PK @I??==assets/fortune.jpgSQLite format 3@ [. nQ }tablewisdomwisdomCREATE TABLE wisdom(id INTEGER PRIMARY KEY, cookie TEXT)[tableeducationeducationCREATE TABLE education(id INTEGER PRIMARY KEY, cookie TEXT)a##tablebofhexcusesbofhexcusesCREATE TABLE bofhexcuses(id INTEGER PRIMARY KEY, cookie TEXT)XtablemedicinemedicineCREATE TABLE medicine(id INTEGER PRIMARY KEY, cookie TEXT)a##tabletranslatemetranslatemeCREATE TABLE translateme(id INTEGER PRIMARY KEY, cookie TEXT)[tablecomputerscomputersvCREATE TABLE computers(id INTEGER PRIMARY KEY, cookie TEXT)XtablepoliticspoliticsCREATE TABLE politics(id INTEGER PRIMARY KEY, cookie TEXT)`##tabledefinitionsdefinitionsCREATE TABLE definitions(id INTEGER PRIMARY KEY, cookie TEXT)WtablefortunesfortunesCREATE TABLE fortunes(id INTEGER PRIMA &FSD e}wqke-tone refrigerator would look good on your resume.+]Among the lucky, you are the chosen one.9yAll the troubles you have will pass away very quickly.@Alimony and bribes will engage a large share of your wealth.L Afternoon very favorable for romance. Try a single person for a change.@ After your lover has gone you will still have PEANUT BUTTER! =Advancement in position.: {Accent on helpful side of your nature. Drain the moat.; }Abandon the search for Truth; settle for a good fantasy./eA vivid and creative mind characterizes you.4oA visit to a strange place will bring fresh work.4oA visit to a fresh place will bring strange work.5qA tall, dark stranger will have more fun than you.Q'A long-forgotten loved one will appear soon. Buy the negatives at any -rbR@/!ufXI : *   wi[J7# 2kuDlt2@An avocado-tone refrigerator would look good on your resume.+]Among the lucky, you are the chosen one.9yAll the troubles you have will pass away very quickly.@Alimony and bribes will engage a large share of your wealth.L Afternoon very favorable for romance. Try a single person for a change.@ After your lover has gone you will still have PEANUT BUTTER! =Advancement in position.: {Accent on helpful side of your nature. Drain the moat.; }Abandon the search for Truth; settle for a good fantasy./eA vivid and creative mind characterizes you.4oA visit to a strange place will bring fresh work.4oA visit to a fresh place will bring strange work.5qA tall, dark stranger will have more fun than you.Q'A long-forgotten loved one will appear soon. Buy the negatives at any price./eA gift of a flower will soon be made to you.5qA few hours grace before the madness begins again.+]A day for firm decisions!!!!! Or is it? vt[0n& v9#yBe security conscious -- National defense is at stake.X"5Be free and open and breezy! Enjoy! Things won't get any better so get used to it.!9Be different: conform.F Be cheerful while you are alive. -- Phathotep, 24th Century B.C.%QBe cautious in your daily affairs.)YBe careful! UGLY strikes 9 out of 10!!IBe careful! Is it classified?+]Bank error in your favor. Collect $200.CAvoid reality at all costs.)YAvoid gunfire in the bathroom tonight.6sAvert misunderstanding by calm, poise, and balance.0gArtistic ventures highlighted. Rob a museum.(WAre you sure the back door is locked?.cAre you making all this up as you go along?S+Are you ever going to do the dishes? Or will you change your major to biology?/Are you a turtle?8wAnother good night not to sleep in a eucalyptus tree.:{An exotic journey in downtown Newark is in your future. 8j pY3tHV87?Chicken Little was right.,6_Chicken Little only has to be right once.5)Chess tonight.84wCheer Up! Things are getting worse at a slower rate.23kChange your thoughts and you change your world.A2Celebrate Hannibal Day this year. Take an elephant to lunch.*1[Caution: Keep out of reach of children.60sCaution: breathing may be hazardous to your health./?Bridge ahead. Pay troll...cBreak into jail and claim police brutality.-7Blow it out your ear.,ABeware the one behind you.$+OBeware of low-flying butterflies.*1Beware of Bigfoot!2)kBeware of a tall blond man with one black shoe.2(kBeware of a tall black man with one blond shoe./'eBeware of a dark-haired man with a loud tie._&CBetter hope the life-inspector doesn't come around while you have your life in such a mess.H%Best of all is never to have been born. Second best is to die soon.J$Beauty and harmony are as necessary to you as the very breath of life. ^[; W* K^?JDon't look now, but the man in the moon is laughing at you.4IoDon't look back, the lemmings are gaining on you.FHDon't let your mind wander -- it's too little to be let out alone.,G_Don't kiss an elephant on the lips today.9FyDon't hate yourself in the morning -- sleep till noon.0EgDon't go surfing in South Dakota for a while.D9Don't get to bragging.4CoDon't get stuck in a closet -- wear yourself out.BEDon't feed the bats tonight.+A]Domestic happiness and faithful friends.B@ Do what comes naturally. Seethe and fume and throw a tantrum.+?]Do something unusual today. Pay a bill.B> Do nothing unless you must, and when you must act -- hesitate.-=aDo not sleep in a eucalyptus tree tonight.<CDo not overtax your powers.+;]Day of inquiry. You will be subpoenaed.):YCourage is your greatest present need.09gCommunicate! It can't make things any worse.89Cold hands, no gloves. +s<P%f_+2[kExecutive ability is prominent in your make-up.-ZaExcellent time to become a missing person.&YSExcellent day to have a rotten day.6XsExcellent day for putting Slinkies on an escalator.-WaEverything will be just tickety-boo today.GVEverything that you know is wrong, but you can be straightened out.:U{Don't you wish you had more energy... or less ambition?FTDon't you feel more like you do now than you did when you came in?9SyDon't worry. Life's too long. -- Vincent Sardi, Jr.)RYDon't Worry, Be Happy. -- Meher Baba2QkDon't worry so loud, your roommate can't think.HPDon't tell any big lies today. Small ones can be just as effective.EODon't relax! It's only your tension that's holding you together.%NQDon't read everything you believe.5MqDon't read any sky-writing for the next two weeks.?LDon't plan any hasty moves. You'll be evicted soon anyway.JKDon't look now, but there is a multi-legged creature on your shoulder. Rc64BR:i{Good day for overcoming obstacles. Try a steeplechase.>hGood day for a change of scene. Repaper the bedroom wall.0ggGo to a movie tonight. Darkness becomes you.@fGive your very best today. Heaven knows it's little enough.Ve1Give thought to your reputation. Consider changing name and moving to a new town.dCGive him an evasive answer.8cwGenerosity and perfection are your everlasting goals.>bFuture looks spotty. You will spill soup in late evening.>aFortune: You will be attacked next Wednesday at 3:15 p.m. by six samurai sword wielding purple fish glued to Harley-Davidson motorcycles. Oh, and have a nice day! -- Bryce Nesbitt '84?`Fine day to work off excess energy. Steal something heavy.+_]Fine day for friends. So-so day for you./^eExpect the worst, it's the least you can do.>]Expect a letter from a friend who will ask a favor of you.*\[Exercise caution in your daily affairs. Qx?T!\Q9wyIn the stairway of life, you'd best take the elevator.4voIf your life was a horse, you'd have to shoot it.Ru)If you think last Tuesday was a drag, wait till you see what happens tomorrow!Dt If you stand on your head, you will get footprints in your hair.6ssIf you sow your wild oats, hope for a crop failure._rCIf you learn one useless thing every day, in a single year you'll learn 365 useless things.*q[If you can read this, you're too close.1piHope that the day after you die is a nice day.Qo'Green light in A.M. for new projects. Red light in P.M. for traffic tickets.Tn-Good night to spend with family, but avoid arguments with your mate's new lover.@mGood news. Ten weeks from Friday will be a pretty good day.7luGood news from afar can bring you a welcome visitor.2kkGood day to let down old friends who need help.Rj)Good day to deal with people in high places; particularly lonely stewardesses. ;nx&Q1~;@Learn to pause -- or nothing worthwhile can catch up to you.LLady Luck brings added income today. Lady friend takes it away tonight. GKeep it short for pithy sake.>Keep emotionally active. Cater to your favorite neurosis.AJust to have it is enough.Y7Just because the message may never be received does not mean it is not worth sending.S+It's lucky you're going so slowly, because you're going in the wrong direction.!IIt's all in the mind, ya know.P~%It's a very *__UN*lucky week in which to be took dead. -- Churchy La Femme5}qIt was all so different before everything changed.A|It may or may not be worthwhile, but it still has to be done.z{yIt is so very hard to be an on-your-own-take-care-of-yourself-because-there-is-no-one-else-to-do-it-for-you grown-up.z?Is this really happening?+y]Is that really YOU that is reading this?ExIncreased knowledge will help you now. Have mate's phone bugged. Fe2WFgSNext Friday will not be your lucky day. As a matter of fact, you don't have a lucky day this year.#MNever reveal your best argument.+]Never look up when dragons fly overhead.3Never give an inch!7uNever commit yourself! Let someone else commit you./eNever be led astray onto the path of virtue.;}Many changes of mind and mood; do not hesitate too long.#MMake a wish, it might come true.B Love is in the offing. Be affectionate to one who adores you.0 gLook afar and see the end from the beginning.! ILong life is in store for you.P %Living your life is a task so difficult, it has never been attempted before.< Live in a world of your own, but always welcome visitors.f Q'Life, loathe it or ignore it, you can't like it.' -- Marvin, 'Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy'/eLife is to you a dashing and bold adventure.GLet me put it this way: today is going to be a learning experience. 3t/tQ5 O%3T*-The whole world is a tuxedo and you are a pair of brown shoes. -- George Gobel))YThe time is right to make new friends.+(]That secret you've been guarding, isn't.'+Stay the curse.)&YStay away from hurricanes for a while.'%UStay away from flying saucers today.;$}Someone whom you reject today, will reject you tomorrow.1#iSomeone is speaking well of you. How unusual!#"MSomeone is speaking well of you."!KSo you're back... about time...& SSo this is it. We're going to die.9Snow Day -- stay home. GSlow day. Practice crawling.FShips are safe in harbor, but they were never meant to stay there.ASave energy: be apathetic.EReply hazy, ask again later.-aQuestionable day. Ask somebody something.B Perfect day for scrubbing the floor and other exciting things.Q'People are beginning to notice you. Try dressing before you leave the house.5qOf course you have a purpose -- to find a purpose. ^Sfp: ^G:Today's weirdness is tomorrow's reason why. -- Hunter S. Thompson'9UToday is what happened to yesterday.58qToday is the tomorrow you worried about yesterday.-7aToday is the last day of your life so far.36mToday is the first day of the rest of your life.25kToday is the first day of the rest of the mess.54qToday is National Existential Ennui Awareness Day.53qTime to be aggressive. Go after a tattooed Virgo.N2!This will be a memorable month -- no matter how hard you try to forget it.R1)This life is yours. Some of it was given to you; the rest, you made yourself.I0Think twice before speaking, but don't say 'think think click click'.I/Things will be bright in P.M. A cop will shine a light in your face.;.}There will be big changes for you but you will be happy."-KThere was a phone call for you.,EThere is a fly on your nose.%+QThere is a 20% chance of tomorrow. ;\8UVk;-IaWhat happened last night can happen again.5HqTuesday is the Wednesday of the rest of your life.6GsTuesday After Lunch is the cosmic time of the week.6FsTry to value useful qualities in one who loves you.>ETry to relax and enjoy the crisis. -- Ashleigh BrilliantBD Try to have as good a life as you can under the circumstances.7CuTry to get all of your posthumous medals in advance.6BsTry the Moo Shu Pork. It is especially good today.DA Truth will out this morning. (Which may really mess things up.)`@ETroubled day for virgins over 16 who are beautiful and wealthy and live in eucalyptus trees.3?mTonight's the night: Sleep in a eucalyptus tree.G>Tonight you will pay the wages of sin; Don't forget to leave a tip.!=ITomorrow, you can be anywhere.h<UTomorrow, this will be part of the unchangeable past but fortunately, it can still be changed today.6;sTomorrow will be cancelled due to lack of interest. DU"xY+KDCX You are fighting for survival in your own sweet and gentle way.OW#You are farsighted, a good planner, an ardent lover, and a faithful friend.'VUYou are fairminded, just and loving.BU You are dishonest, but never to the point of hurting a friend.fTQYou are destined to become the commandant of the fighting men of the department of transportation.>SYou are deeply attached to your friends and acquaintances.3RmYou are confused; but this is your normal state.+Q]You are capable of planning your future.P?You are as I am with You.O5You are always busy.HNYou are a very redundant person, that's what kind of person you are.BM You are a fluke of the universe; you have no right to be here.0LgYou are a bundle of energy, always on the go.@KWrite yourself a threatening letter and pen a defiant reply.eJOWhile you recently had your problems on the run, they've regrouped and are making another attack. pEY-Sf+You can create your own opportunities this week. Blackmail a senior executive.Se+You attempt things that you do not even plan because of your extreme stupidity._dCYou are wise, witty, and wonderful, but you spend too much time reading this sort of trash.4coYou are the only person to ever get this message.-baYou are taking yourself far too seriously.aEYou are standing on my toes.>`You are so boring that when I see you my feet go to sleep.B_ You are sick, twisted and perverted. I like that in a person.]^?You are scrupulously honest, frank, and straightforward. Therefore you have few friends.D] You are only young once, but you can stay immature indefinitely.(\WYou are number 6! Who is number one?8[wYou are not dead yet. But watch for further reports.$ZOYou are magnetic in your bearing.+Y]You are going to have a new love affair. 'p Kh'nuaYou have a reputation for being thoroughly reliable and trustworthy. A pity that it's totally undeserved.4toYou have a deep interest in all that is artistic.6ssYou have a deep appreciation of the arts and music.]r?You had some happiness once, but your parents moved away, and you had to leave it behind.Dq You get along very well with everyone except animals and people.pCYou fill a much-needed gap.LoYou feel a whole lot more like you do now than you did when you used to.)nYYou enjoy the company of other people.EmYou don't become a failure until you're satisfied with being one.:l{You display the wonderful traits of charm and courtesy.k-You dialed 5483.7juYou definitely intend to start living sometime soon.MiYou could live a better life, if you had a better mind and a better body..hcYou can rent this space for only $5 a week.\g=You can do very well in speculation where land or anything to do with dirt is concerned. 66 ~9w'|6C You have literary talent that you should take pains to develop.>You have had a long-term stimulation relative to business.5qYou have Egyptian flu: you're going to be a mummy./eYou have been selected for a secret mission.MYou have an unusual understanding of the problems of human relationships.q~gYou have an unusual magnetic personality. Don't walk too close to metal objects which are not fastened down.K}You have an unusual equipment for success. Be sure to use it properly.B| You have an ambitious nature and may make a name for yourself.6{sYou have an ability to sense and know higher truth.Pz%You have a will that can be influenced by all with whom you come in contact.)yYYou have a truly strong individuality.MxYou have a strong desire for a home and your family interests come first.8wwYou have a strong appeal for members of your own sex.IYou will be run over by a bus.(=WYou will be run over by a beer truck.E<You will be reincarnated as a toad; and you will be much happier.<;You will be recognized and honored as a community leader.):YYou will be misunderstood by everyone.%9QYou will be married within a year.?8You will be married within a year, and divorced within two.R7)You will be imprisoned for contributing your time and skill to a bank robbery.O6#You will be honored for contributing your time and skill to a worthy cause./5eYou will be held hostage by a radical group.84wYou will be given a post of trust and responsibility.&3SYou will be divorced within a year.72uYou will be called upon to help a friend in trouble.>1You will be awarded the Nobel Peace Prize... posthumously.(0WYou will be awarded some great honor. vyJ`9^.v!RIYou will get what you deserve.,Q_You will gain money by an immoral action.,P_You will gain money by an illegal action.3OmYou will gain money by a speculation or lottery.-NaYou will gain money by a fattening action.)MYYou will forget that you ever knew me..LcYou will feel hungry again in another hour.CK You will experience a strong urge to do good; but it will pass.5JqYou will engage in a profitable business activity.$IOYou will contract a rare disease.4HoYou will become rich and famous unless you don't.2GkYou will be winged by an anti-aircraft battery.3FmYou will be traveling and coming into a fortune.EEYou will be Told about it Tomorrow. Go Home and Prepare Thyself.,D_You will be the victim of a bizarre joke.1CiYou will be the last person to buy a Chrysler.$BOYou will be surrounded by luxury.)AYYou will be surprised by a loud noise. 0>X-| t0AbYou will obey or molten silver will be poured into your ears.6asYou will not be elected to public office this year.`CYou will never know hunger.O_#You will meet an important person who will help you advance professionally.Y^7You will lose your present job and have to become a door to door mayonnaise salesman.+]]You will live to see your grandchildren.E\You will live a long, healthy, happy life and make bags of money.8[wYou will inherit some money or a small piece of land.(ZWYou will inherit millions of dollars.CY You will hear good news from one you thought unfriendly to you.'XUYou will have long and healthy life.7WuYou will have good luck and overcome many hardships.9VyYou will have domestic happiness and faithful friends.HUYou will have a long and unpleasant discussion with your supervisor.(TWYou will have a long and boring life.ISYou will give someone a piece of your mind, which you can ill afford. >yb!k3w>6rsYou will win success in whatever calling you adopt..qcYou will visit the Dung Pits of Glive soon.$pOYou will triumph over your enemy.aoGYou will stop at nothing to reach your objective, but only because your brakes are defective.5nqYou will step on the night soil of many countries.MmYou will soon meet a person who will play an important role in your life.lAYou will soon forget this.Ck You will remember something that you should not have forgotten.>jYou will receive a legacy which will place you above want.MiYou will reach the highest possible point in your business or profession.8hwYou will probably marry after a very brief courtship.-gaYou will pioneer the first Martian colony.Yf7You will pay for your sins. If you have already paid, please disregard this message.#eMYou will pass away very quickly.7duYou will overcome the attacks of jealous associates.$cOYou will outgrow your usefulness. aUuKa'UYou're at the end of the road again./eYou're almost as happy as you think you are.2kYou're a card which will have to be dealt with.V~1You'll wish that you had done some of the hard things when they were easier to do.i}WYou'll never see all the places, or read all the books, but fortunately, they're not all recommended.+|]You'll never be the man your mother was!5{qYou'll feel much better once you've given up hope.Uz/You'll feel devilish tonight. Toss dynamite caps under a flamenco dancer's heel.y1You'll be sorry...Nx!You'll be called to a post requiring ability in handling groups of people. You've been leading a dog's life. Stay off the furniture.D You're working under a slight handicap. You happen to be human.1iYou're ugly and your mother dresses you funny.GYou're not my type. For that matter, you're not even my species!!!_CYou're growing out of some of your problems, but there are others that you're growing into.R)You're definitely on their list. The question to ask next is what list it is.O#You're currently going through a difficult transition period called 'Life.'C You're being followed. Cut out the hanky-panky for a few days. Sek(uCSD Your lucky number is 3552664958674928. Watch for it everywhere.+]Your lucky number has been disconnected.CYour lucky color has faded.+]Your lover will never wish to leave you.)YYour love life will be... interesting./eYour love life will be happy and harmonious.?Your life would be very empty if you had nothing to regret.)YYour ignorance cramps my conversation.B Your heart is pure, and your mind clear, and your soul devout.@Your goose is cooked. (Your current chick is burned up too!)8wYour fly might be open (but don't check it just now).(WYour domestic life may be harmonious.IYour depth of comprehension may tend to make you lax in worldly ways.EYour business will go through a period of considerable expansion..cYour business will assume vast proportions.1iYour boyfriend takes chocolate from strangers.3mYour boss is a few sandwiches short of a picnic. HZcNH9-yYour talents will be recognized and suitably rewarded.),YYour supervisor is thinking about you.&+SYour step will soil many countries.B* Your society will be sought by people of taste and refinement.-)aYour sister swims out to meet troop ships.F(Your reasoning powers are good, and you are a fairly good planner.S'+Your reasoning is excellent -- it's only your basic assumptions that are wrong.)&YYour present plans will be successful.G%Your own qualities will help prevent your advancement in the world.J$Your object is to save the world, while still leading a pleasant life.>#Your nature demands love and your happiness depends on it.f"QYour motives for doing whatever good deed you may have in mind will be misinterpreted by somebody.Q!'Your mode of life will be changed for the better because of new developments.O #Your mode of life will be changed for the better because of good news soon. S.+Your temporary financial embarrassment will be relieved in a surprising manner.{uoic]WQKE?93-'! ysmga[UOIC=71+% }wqke_YSMGA;5/)#of thPE:." tmkdYQLF>6.*$ vpg]WOF?:5*~}|{ zy{xxwrvkudt]sWrRqMpFo@n8m1l+k#jihgfedcxbsao`i_d^`]_[XZVYUXQWOVLUHTAS>R6Q2O,N'M"L KJIH GFzEsCmBfA_@X?U>P=LAcceptance testing: An unsuccessful attempt to find bugs.skAcademy: A modern school where football is taught. Institute: An archaic school where football is not taught.Absurdity, n.: A statement or belief manifestly inconsistent with one's own opinion. -- Ambrose Bierce, 'The Devil's Dictionary' Abstainer, n.: A weak person who yields to the temptation of denying himself a pleasure. -- Ambrose Bierce, 'The Devil's Dictionary'$ MAbsentee, n.: A person with an income who has had the forethought to remove himself from the sphere of exaction. -- Ambrose Bierce, 'The Devil's Dictionary' 8E-aAdult, n.: One old enough to know better.V1Adore, v.: To venerate expectantly. -- Ambrose Bierce, 'The Devil's Dictionary'Admiration, n.: Our polite recognition of another's resemblance to ourselves. -- Ambrose Bierce, 'The Devil's Dictionary'naAdler's Distinction: Language is all that separates us from the lower animals, and from the bureaucrats.:yADA: Something you need only know the name of to be an Expert in Computing. Useful in sentences like, 'We had better develop an ADA awareness. -- 'Datamation', January 15, 1984Acquaintance, n: A person whom we know well enough to borrow from but not well enough to lend to. A degree of friendship called slight when the object is poor or obscure, and intimate when he is rich or famous. -- Ambrose Bierce, 'The Devil's Dictionary' S@Z"9Albrecht's Law: Social innovations tend to the level of minimum tolerable well-being.!CAlaska: A prelude to 'No.' /air, n.: A nutritious substance supplied by a bountiful Providence for the fattening of the poor. -- Ambrose Bierce, 'The Devil's Dictionary'V1Air Force Inertia Axiom: Consistency is always easier to defend than correctness.MAgnes' Law: Almost everything in life is easier to get into than out of.3kAge, n.: That period of life in which we compound for the vices that we still cherish by reviling those that we no longer have the enterprise to commit. -- Ambrose Bierce[;Afternoon, n.: That part of the day we spend worrying about how we wasted the morning.*YAdvertising Rule: In writing a patent-medicine advertisement, first convince the reader that he has the disease he is reading about; secondly, that it is curable. ]'zD8+wAmbiguity: Telling the truth when you don't mean to.* Ambidextrous, adj.: Able to pick with equal skill a right-hand pocket or a left. -- Ambrose Bierce, 'The Devil's Dictionary'O)#Alone, adj.: In bad company. -- Ambrose Bierce, 'The Devil's Dictionary'b(IAlliance, n.: In international politics, the union of two thieves who have their hands so deeply inserted in each other's pocket that they cannot separately plunder a third. -- Ambrose Bierce, 'The Devil's Dictionary'?'Allen's Axiom: When all else fails, read the instructions.;&}All new: Parts not interchangeable with previous model.-%aalimony, n: Having an ex you can bank on.4$oalgorithm, n.: Trendy dance for hip programmers. #EAlden's Laws: (1) Giving away baby clothes and furniture is the major cause of pregnancy. (2) Always be backlit. (3) Sit down whenever possible. qnwXqE3Antonym, n.: The opposite of the word you're trying to think of.M2Anthony's Law of the Workshop: Any tool when dropped, will roll into the least accessible corner of the workshop. Corollary: On the way to the corner, any dropped tool will first strike your toes.A1Anthony's Law of Force: Don't force it; get a larger hammer. 0Anoint, v.: To grease a king or other great functionary already sufficiently slippery. -- Ambrose Bierce, 'The Devil's Dictionary'/AAndrophobia: Fear of men.#.KAndrea's Admonition: Never bestow profanity upon a driver who has wronged you. If you think his window is closed and he can't hear you, it isn't and he can.O-#Amoebit: Amoeba/rabbit cross; it can multiply and divide at the same time.,#Ambition, n: An overmastering desire to be vilified by enemies while living and made ridiculous by friends when dead. -- Ambrose Bierce LR9<yArmor's Axiom: Virtue is the failure to achieve vice.6;sArmadillo: To provide weapons to a Spanish pickle.W:3Arithmetic: An obscure art no longer practiced in the world's developed countries.t9mArbitrary systems, pl.n.: Systems about which nothing general can be said, save 'nothing general can be said.'8aquadextrous, adj.: Possessing the ability to turn the bathtub faucet on and off with your toes. -- Rich Hall, 'Sniglets'W73Applause, n: The echo of a platitude from the mouth of a fool. -- Ambrose BierceP6%Appendix: A portion of a book, for which nobody yet has discovered any use.53aphorism, n.: A concise, clever statement. afterism, n.: A concise, clever statement you don't think of until too late. -- James Alexander Thomm4_Aphasia: Loss of speech in social scientists when asked at parties, 'But of what use is your research?' 58s`l55BqAtlanta: An entire city surrounded by an airport.qAgASCII: The control code for all beginning programmers and those who would become computer literate. Etymologically, the term has come down as a contraction of the often-repeated phrase 'ascii and you shall receive.' -- Robb Russon@%Arthur's Laws of Love: (1) People to whom you are attracted invariably think you remind them of someone else. (2) The love letter you finally got the courage to send will be delayed in the mail long enough for you to make a fool of yourself in person.B? Arnold's Laws of Documentation: (1) If it should exist, it doesn't. (2) If it does exist, it's out of date. (3) Only documentation for useless programs transcends the first two laws.Y>7Arnold's Addendum: Anything not fitting into these categories causes cancer in rats.k=[Armstrong's Collection Law: If the check is truly in the mail, it is surely made out to someone else. #Q)#%KOBagdikian's Observation: Trying to be a first-rate reporter on the average American newspaper is like trying to play Bach's 'St. Matthew Passion' on a ukelele.[J;Bagbiter: 1. n.; Equipment or program that fails, usually intermittently. 2. adj.: Failing hardware or software. 'This bagbiting system won't let me get out of spacewar.' Usage: verges on obscenity. Grammatically separable; one may speak of 'biting the bag'. Synonyms: LOSER, LOSING, CRETINOUS, BLETCHEROUS, BARFUCIOUS, CHOMPER, CHOMPING.^IABackward conditioning: Putting saliva in a dog's mouth in an attempt to make a bell ring.8HwBachelor: A man who chases women and never Mrs. one.6GsBachelor: A guy who is footloose and fiancee-free.TF-Automobile, n.: A four-wheeled vehicle that runs up hills and down pedestrians.7EuAuthentic: Indubitably true, in somebody's opinion.MDaudophile, n: Someone who listens to the equipment instead of the music.%CQAuction: A gyp off the old block. -mu-FRBarker's Proof: Proofreading is more effective after publication.uQoBarbara's Rules of Bitter Experience: (1) When you empty a drawer for his clothes and a shelf for his toiletries, the relationship ends. (2) When you finally buy pretty stationary to continue the correspondence, he stops writing.TP-Barach's Rule: An alcoholic is a person who drinks more than his own physician.RO)Banectomy, n.: The removal of bruises on a banana. -- Rich Hall, 'Sniglets'xNuBanacek's Eighteenth Polish Proverb: The hippo has no sting, but the wise man would rather be sat upon by the bee.qMgBallistophobia: Fear of bullets; Otophobia: Fear of opening one's eyes. Peccatophobia: Fear of sinning. Taphephobia: Fear of being buried alive. Sitophobia: Fear of food. Trichophobbia: Fear of hair. Vestiphobia: Fear of clothing.yLwBaker's First Law of Federal Geometry: A block grant is a solid mass of money surrounded on all sides by governors. lol|Y}Battle, n.: A method of untying with the teeth a political knot that will not yield to the tongue. -- Ambrose BierceX1Bathquake, n.: The violent quake that rattles the entire house when the water faucet is turned on to a certain point. -- Rich Hall, 'Sniglets' WBASIC, n.: A programming language. Related to certain social diseases in that those who have it will not admit it in polite company. VBasic Definitions of Science: If it's green or wiggles, it's biology. If it stinks, it's chemistry. If it doesn't work, it's physics.UU/Baruch's Observation: If all you have is a hammer, everything looks like a nail.vTqBarth's Distinction: There are two types of people: those who divide people into two types, and those who don't.S!Barometer, n.: An ingenious instrument which indicates what kind of weather we are having. -- Ambrose Bierce, 'The Devil's Dictionary' 'T'a+Bershere's Formula for Failure: There are only two kinds of people who fail: those who listen to nobody... and those who listen to everybody.>`Benson's Dogma: ASCII is our god, and Unix is his profit._CBennett's Laws of Horticulture: (1) Houses are for people to live in. (2) Gardens are for plants to live in. (3) There is no such thing as a houseplant.,^_belief, n: Something you do not believe. ]Beifeld's Principle: The probability of a young man meeting a desirable and receptive young female increases by pyramidical progression when he is already in the company of (1) a date, (2) his wife, (3) a better-looking and richer male friend. -- R. Beifeldw\sBegathon, n.: A multi-day event on public television, used to raise money so you won't have to watch commercials.A[Beauty: What's in your eye when you have a bee in your hand.gZSBeauty, n.: The power by which a woman charms a lover and terrifies a husband. -- Ambrose Bierce );[chKbirth, n: The first and direst of all disasters. -- Ambrose Bierce, 'The Devil's Dictionary'[g;Bipolar, adj.: Refers to someone who has homes in Nome, Alaska, and Buffalo, New York.?fBing's Rule: Don't try to stem the tide -- move the beach.HeBinary, adj.: Possessing the ability to have friends of both sexes.Sd+Bilbo's First Law: You cannot count friends that are all packed up in barrels.kc[Bierman's Laws of Contracts: (1) In any given document, you can't cover all the 'what if's'. (2) Lawyers stay in business resolving all the unresolved 'what if's'. (3) Every resolved 'what if' creates two unresolved 'what if's'.Tb-beta test, v: To voluntarily entrust one's data, one's livelihood and one's sanity to hardware or software intended to destroy all three. In earlier days, virgins were often selected to beta test volcanos. B8((Bp#Bolub's Fourth Law of Computerdom: Project teams detest weekly progress reporting because it so vividly manifests their lack of progress.Ro)Boling's postulate: If you're feeling good, don't worry. You'll get over it.Xn5Blutarsky's Axiom: Nothing is impossible for the man who will not listen to reason.Wm3Blore's Razor: Given a choice between two theories, take the one which is funnier.KlBloom's Seventh Law of Litigation: The judge's jokes are always funny.kCblithwapping: Using anything BUT a hammer to hammer a nail into the wall, such as shoes, lamp bases, doorstops, etc. -- 'Sniglets', Rich Hall & Friendslj]Bizoos, n.: The millions of tiny individual bumps that make up a basketball. -- Rich Hall, 'Sniglets'Eibit, n: A unit of measure applied to color. Twenty-four-bit color refers to expensive $3 color as opposed to the cheaper 25 cent, or two-bit, color that use to be available a few years ago. ;bEn;1yiBower's Law: Talent goes where the action is.}xBoucher's Observation: He who blows his own horn always plays the music several octaves higher than originally written.iwWboss, n: According to the Oxford English Dictionary, in the Middle Ages the words 'boss' and 'botch' were largely synonymous, except that boss, in addition to meaning 'a supervisor of workers' also meant 'an ornamental stud.'jvYBoren's Laws: (1) When in charge, ponder. (2) When in trouble, delegate. (3) When in doubt, mumble.lu]Bore, n.: A person who talks when you wish him to listen. -- Ambrose Bierce, 'The Devil's Dictionary'btIBore, n.: A guy who wraps up a two-minute idea in a two-hour vocabulary. -- Walter WinchellIsBooker's Law: An ounce of application is worth a ton of abstraction.FrBoob's Law: You always find something in the last place you look.Tq-Bombeck's Rule of Medicine: Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died. 5 I5"Ibrain, v: [as in 'to brain'] To rebuke bluntly, but not pointedly; to dispel a source of error in an opponent. -- Ambrose Bierce, 'The Devil's Dictionary'm~_brain, n: The apparatus with which we think that we think. -- Ambrose Bierce, 'The Devil's Dictionary'@}Brady's First Law of Problem Solving: When confronted by a difficult problem, you can solve it more easily by reducing it to the question, 'How would the Lone Ranger have handled this?'v|qBradley's Bromide: If computers get too powerful, we can organize them into a committee -- that will do them in.${Oboy, n: A noise with dirt on it.Tz-Bowie's Theorem: If an experiment works, you must be using the wrong equipment. r\B brokee, n: Someone who buys stocks on the advice of a broker.fQBrogan's Constant: People tend to congregate in the back of the church and the front of the bus.Gbroad-mindedness, n: The result of flattening high-mindedness out.S+briefcase, n: A trial where the jury gets together and forms a lynching party.skBride, n.: A woman with a fine prospect of happiness behind her. -- Ambrose Bierce, 'The Devil's Dictionary' brain-damaged, generalization of 'Honeywell Brain Damage' (HBD), a theoretical disease invented to explain certain utter cretinisms in Multics, adj: Obviously wrong; cretinous; demented. There is an implication that the person responsible must have suffered brain damage, because he/she should have known better. Calling something brain-damaged is bad; it also implies it is unusable. P_qP Cbug, n: A son of a glitch.j YBug, n.: An aspect of a computer program which exists because the programmer was thinking about Jumbo Jacks or stock options when s/he wrote the program. Fortunately, the second-to-last bug has just been fixed. -- Ray SimardB  Bucy's Law: Nothing is ever accomplished by a reasonable man.q gBubble Memory, n.: A derogatory term, usually referring to a person's intelligence. See also 'vacuum tube'.)WBrooke's Law: Whenever a system becomes completely defined, some damn fool discovers something which either abolishes the system or expands it beyond recognition.LBrook's Law: Adding manpower to a late software project makes it later.hUBrontosaurus Principle: Organizations can grow faster than their brains can manage them in relation to their environment and to their own physiology: when this occurs, they are an endangered species. -- Thomas K. Connellan :@B:Gbureaucracy, n: A method for transforming energy into solid waste.:yBureau Termination, Law of: When a government bureau is scheduled to be phased out, the number of employees in that bureau will double within 12 months after the decision is made.3kBurbulation: The obsessive act of opening and closing a refrigerator door in an attempt to catch it before the automatic light comes on. -- 'Sniglets', Rich Hall & FriendsD Bunker's Admonition: You cannot buy beer; you can only rent it.dMBumper sticker: All the parts falling off this car are of the very finest British manufacture.Z9Bugs, pl. n.: Small living things that small living boys throw on small living girls.x ubug, n: An elusive creature living in a program that makes it incorrect. The activity of 'debugging', or removing bugs from a program, ends when people get tired of doing it, not when the bugs are removed. -- 'Datamation', January 15, 1984 [{T[uoC, n: A programming language that is sort of like Pascal except more like assembly except that it isn't very much like either one, or anything else. It is either the best language available to the art today, or it isn't. -- Ray Simard$Obyob, v: Believing Your Own Bull?buzzword, n: The fly in the ointment of computer literacy.%OBurn's Hog Weighing Method: (1) Get a perfectly symmetrical plank and balance it across a sawhorse. (2) Put the hog on one end of the plank. (3) Pile rocks on the other end until the plank is again perfectly balanced. (4) Carefully guess the weight of the rocks. -- Robert Burns7Burke's Postulates: Anything is possible if you don't know what you are talking about. Don't create a problem for which you do not have the answer./ebureaucrat, n: A politician who has tenure.HBureaucrat, n.: A person who cuts red tape sideways. -- J. McCabe oACanada Bill Jones's Motto: It's morally wrong to allow suckers to keep their money. Canada Bill Jones's Supplement: A Smith and Wesson beats four aces.9yCampbell's Law: Nature abhors a vacuous experimenter.>Cahn's Axiom: When all else fails, read the instructions.ocCache: A very expensive part of the memory system of a computer that no one is supposed to know is there. Cabbage, n.: A familiar kitchen-garden vegetable about as large and wise as a man's head. -- Ambrose Bierce, 'The Devil's Dictionary' :C:"Carperpetuation (kar' pur pet u a shun), n.: The act, when vacuuming, of running over a string at least a dozen times, reaching over and picking it up, examining it, then putting it back down to give the vacuum one more chance. -- Rich Hall, 'Sniglets' !Captain Penny's Law: You can fool all of the people some of the time, and some of the people all of the time, but you Can't Fool Mom.* YCanonical, adj.: The usual or standard state or manner of something. A true story: One Bob Sjoberg, new at the MIT AI Lab, expressed some annoyance at the use of jargon. Over his loud objections, we made a point of using jargon as much as possible in his presence, and eventually it began to sink in. Finally, in one conversation, he used the word 'canonical' in jargon-like fashion without thinking. Steele: 'Aha! We've finally got you talking jargon too!' Stallman: 'What did he say?' Steele: 'He just used `canonical' in the canonical way.' JDbyJ,,_Chef, n.: Any cook who swears in French.+=checkuary, n: The thirteenth month of the year. Begins New Year's Day and ends when a person stops absentmindedly writing the old year on his checks.F*Charity, n.: A thing that begins at home and usually stays there.J)character density, n.: The number of very weird people in the office.g(SChamberlain's Laws: (1) The big guys always win. (2) Everything tastes more or less like chicken.s'kcerebral atrophy, n: The phenomena which occurs as brain cells become weak and sick, and impair the brain's perfor8,&_Cat, n.: Lapwarmer with built-in buzzer.z%yCarswell's Corollary: Whenever man comes up with a better mousetrap, nature invariably comes up with a better mouse.O$#Carson's Observation on Footwear: If the shoe fits, buy the other one too.g#SCarson's Consolation: Nothing is ever a complete failure. It can always be used as a bad example.mance. An abundance of these 'bad' cells can cause symptoms related to senility, apathy, depression, and overall poor academic performance. A certain small number of brain cells will deteriorate due to everday activity, but large amounts are weakened by intense mental effort and the assimilation of difficult concepts. Many college students become victims of this dread disorder due to poor habits such as overstudying. cerebral darwinism, n: The theory that the effects of cerebral atrophy can be reversed through the purging action of heavy alcohol consumption. Large amounts of alcohol cause many brain cells to perish due to oxygen deprivation. Through the process of natural selection, the weak and sick brain cells will die first, leaving only the healthy cells. This wonderful process leaves the imbiber with a healthier, more vibrant brain, and increases mental capacity. Thus, the devastating effects of cerebral atrophy are reversed, and academic performance actually increases beyond previous levels. SF6LSu2oChicken Soup: An ancient miracle drug containing equal parts of aureomycin, cocaine, interferon, and TLC. The only ailment chicken soup can't cure is neurotic dependence on one's mother. -- Arthur Naiman, 'Every Goy's Guide to Yiddish'f1QChicago Transit Authority Rider's Rule #84: The CTA has complimentary pop-up timers available on request for overheated passengers. When your timer pops up, the driver will cheerfully baste you. -- Chicago Reader 5/28/82B0 Chicago Transit Authority Rider's Rule #36: Never ever ask the tough looking gentleman wearing El Rukn headgear where he got his 'pyramid powered pizza warmer'. -- Chicago Reader 3/27/81G/Cheops' Law: Nothing ever gets built on schedule or within budget.H.Chemicals, n.: Noxious substances from which modern foods are made.l-]Cheit's Lament: If you help a friend in need, he is sure to remember you-- the next time he's in need. @a1 @E8clairvoyant, n.: A person, commonly a woman, who has the power of seeing that which is invisible to her patron -- namely, that he is a blockhead. -- Ambrose Bierce, 'The Devil's Dictionary'7%Cinemuck, n.: The combination of popcorn, soda, and melted chocolate which covers the floors of movie theaters. -- Rich Hall, 'Sniglets'6%Churchill's Commentary on Man: Man will occasionally stumble over the truth, but most of the time he will pick himself up and continue on.95wChristmas: A day set apart by some as a time for turkey, presents, cranberry salads, family get-togethers; for others, noted as having the best response time of the entire year.p4eChisolm's First Corollary to Murphy's Second Law: When things just can't possibly get any worse, they will.3;Chism's Law of Completion: The amount of time required to complete a government project is precisely equal to the length of time already spent on it. ]Vb2]Q@'Cohn's Law: The more time you spend in reporting on what you are doing, the less time you have to do anything. Stability is achieved when you spend all your time reporting on the nothing you are doing.-?aCohen's Law: There is no bottom to worse.6>sCOBOL: Completely Over and Beyond reason Or Logic.0=gCOBOL: An exercise in Artificial Inelegance.Z<9Clovis' Consideration of an Atmospheric Anomaly: The perversity of nature is nowhere better demonstrated than by the fact that, when exposed to the same atmosphere, bread becomes hard while crackers become soft.&;Qclone, n: 1. An exact duplicate, as in 'our product is a clone of their product.' 2. A shoddy, spurious copy, as in 'their product is a clone of our product.'F:Clay's Conclusion: Creativity is great, but plagiarism is faster.^9AClarke's Conclusion: Never let your sense of morals interfere with doing the right thing. 2| 2aGGcomment: A superfluous element of a source program included so the programmer can remember what the hell it was he was doing six months later. Only the weak-minded need them, according to those who think they aren't.F#Command, n.: Statement presented by a human and accepted by a computer in such a manner as to make the human feel as if he is in control.E+Colvard's Logical Premises: All probabilities are 50%. Either a thing will happen or it won't. Colvard's Unconscionable Commentary: This is especially true when dealing with someone you're attracted to. Grelb's Commentary: Likelihoods, however, are 90% against you.GDCollege: The fountains of knowledge, where everyone goes to drink.nCaCollaboration, n.: A literary partnership based on the false assumption that the other fellow can spell.&BSCole's Law: Thinly sliced cabbage.XA5Cold, adj.: When the politicians walk around with their hands in their own pockets. MMMBL Complex system: One with real problems and imaginary profits.KCommoner's three laws of ecology: (1) No action is without side-effects. (2) Nothing ever goes away. (3) There is no free lunch.J Committee, n.: A group of men who individually can do nothing but as a group decide that nothing can be done. -- Fred Allen%IOCommittee Rules: (1) Never arrive on time, or you will be stamped a beginner. (2) Don't say anything until the meeting is half over; this stamps you as being wise. (3) Be as vague as possible; this prevents irritating the others. (4) When in doubt, suggest that a subcommittee be appointed. (5) Be the first to move for adjournment; this will make you popular -- it's what everyone is waiting for./HcCommitment, n.: [The difference between involvement and] Commitment can be illustrated by a breakfast of ham and eggs. The chicken was involved, the pig was committed. d<dTP-Computer, n.: An electronic entity which performs sequences of useful steps in a totally understandable, rigorously logical manner. If you believe this, see me about a bridge I have for sale in Manhattan.-O_Computer science: (1) A study akin to numerology and astrology, but lacking the precision of the former and the success of the latter. (2) The protracted value analysis of algorithms. (3) The costly enumeration of the obvious. (4) The boring art of coping with a large number of trivialities. (5) Tautology harnessed in the service of Man at the speed of light. (6) The Post-Turing decline in formal systems theory.5Nocompuberty, n: The uncomfortable period of emotional and hormonal changes a computer experiences when the operating system is upgraded and a sun4 is put online sharing files.WM3Compliment, n.: When you say something to another which everyone knows isn't true. AWAJUConjecture: All odd numbers are prime. Mathematician's Proof: 3 is prime. 5 is prime. 7 is prime. By induction, all odd numbers are prime. Physicist's Proof: 3 is prime. 5 is prime. 7 is prime. 9 is experimental error. 11 is prime. 13 is prime ... Engineer's Proof: 3 is prime. 5 is prime. 7 is prime. 9 is prime. 11 is prime. 13 is prime ... Computer Scientists's Proof: 3 is prime. 3 is prime. 3 is prime. 3 is prime...ETConfirmed bachelor: A man who goes through life without a hitch.S%Confidant, confidante, n: One entrusted by A with the secrets of B, confided to himself by C. -- Ambrose Bierce, 'The Devil's Dictionary'3RkConference, n.: A special meeting in which the boss gathers subordinates to hear what they have to say, so long as it doesn't conflict with what he's already decided to do.[Q;Concept, n.: Any 'idea' for which an outside consultant billed you more than $25,000. ~bXIConsultant, n.: (1) Someone you pay to take the watch off your wrist and tell you what time it is. (2) (For resume use) The working title of anyone who doesn't currently hold a job. Motto: Have Calculator, Will Travel.7WsConsent decree: A document in which a hapless company consents never to commit in the future whatever heinous violations of Federal law it never admitted to in the first place.~VConnector Conspiracy, n: [probably came into prominence with the appearance of the KL-10, none of whose connectors match anything else] The tendency of manufacturers (or, by extension, programmers or purveyors of anything) to come up with new products which don't fit together with the old stuff, thereby making you buy either all new stuff or expensive interface devices. >_Conway's Law: In any organization there will always be one person who knows what is going on. This person must be fired.o^cConversation, n.: A vocal competition in which the one who is catching his breath is called the listener.B] Consultation, n.: Medical term meaning 'to share the wealth.'s\kConsultant, n.: Someone who'd rather climb a tree and tell a lie than stand on the ground and tell the truth.T[-consultant, n.: Someone who knowns 101 ways to make love, but can't get a date.9ZyConsultant, n.: An ordinary man a long way from home.+Y[Consultant, n.: [From con 'to defraud, dupe, swindle,' or, possibly, French con (vulgar) 'a person of little merit' + sult elliptical form of 'insult.'] A tipster disguised as an oracle, especially one who has learned to decamp at high speed in spite of a large briefcase and heavy wallet. J|B?fCreditor, n.: A man who has a better memory than a debtor.temCoward, n.: One who in a perilous emergency thinks with his legs. -- Ambrose Bierce, 'The Devil's Dictionary'Kdcourt, n.: A place where they dispense with justice. -- Arthur Train@cCorry's Law: Paper is always strongest at the perforations.%bOCorrespondence Corollary: An experiment may be considered a success if no more than half your data must be discarded to obtain correspondence with your theory.JaCoronation, n.: The ceremony of investing a sovereign with the outward and visible signs of his divine right to be blown skyhigh with a dynamite bomb. -- Ambrose Bierce, 'The Devil's Dictionary'2`iCopying machine, n.: A device that shreds paper, flashes mysteriously coded messages, and makes duplicates for everyone in the office who isn't interested in reading them. B^-AmCursor, n.: One whose program will not run. -- Robb Russon\l=cursor address, n: 'Hello, cursor!' -- Stan Kelly-Bootle, 'The Devil's DP Dictionary'MkCruickshank's Law of Committees: If a committee is allowed to discuss a bad idea long enough, it will inevitably decide to implement the idea simply because so much work has already been done on it.]j?Cropp's Law: The amount of work done varies inversly with the time spent in the office.Oi#Croll's Query: If tin whistles are made of tin, what are foghorns made of?h!critic, n.: A person who boasts himself hard to please because nobody tries to please him. -- Ambrose Bierce, 'The Devil's Dictionary':gyCrenna's Law of Political Accountability: If you are the first to know about something bad, you are going to be held responsible for acting on it, regardless of your formal duties.e people than any other aspect of data processing. You order Mozart's 'Don Giovanni' from your record club, and they invoice you $24.95 for MOZ DONG. The witless mapping of the sublime onto the ridiculous! Equally puzzling is the curtation that produces the same eight characters, THE BEST, whether you order 'The Best of Wagner', 'The Best of Schubert', or 'The Best of the Turds'. Similarly, wine lovers buying from computerized wineries twirl their glasses, check their delivery notes, and inform their friends, 'A rather innocent, possibly overtruncated CAB SAUV 69 TAL.' The squeezing of fruit into 10 columns has yielded such memorable obscenities as COX OR PIP. The examples cited are real, and the curtational methodology which produced them is still with us. MOZ DONG n. Curtation of Don Giovanni by Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart and Lorenzo da Ponte, as performed by the computerized billing ensemble of the Internat'l Preview Society, Great Neck (sic), N.Y. -- Stan Kelly-Bootle, 'The Devil's DP Dictionary' -;Elephant, n.: A mouse built to government specifications.N!Electrocution, n.: Burning at the stake with all the modern improvements. Elbonics, n.: The actions of two people maneuvering for one armrest in a movie theatre. -- 'Sniglets', Rich Hall & FriendsriEhrman's Commentary: (1) Things will get worse before they get better. (2) Who said things would get better?=Egotism, n: Doing the New York Times crossword puzzle with a pen. Egotist, n: A person of low taste, more interested in himself than me. -- Ambrose Bierce, 'The Devil's Dictionary' v5v; {Encyclopedia Salesmen: Invite them all in. Nip out the back door. Phone the police and tell them your house is being burgled. -- Mike Harding, 'The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac'?Emerson's Law of Contrariness: Our chief want in life is somebody who shall make us do what we can. Having found them, we shall then hate them for it.5qEmacs, n.: A slow-moving parody of a text editor.naEleventh Law of Acoustics: In a minimum-phase system there is an inextricable link between frequency response, phase response and transient response, as they are all merely transforms of one another. This combined with minimalization of open-loop errors in output amplifiers and correct compensation for non-linear passive crossover network loading can lead to a significant decrease in system resolution lost. However, of course, this all means jack when you listen to Pink Floyd. ..O"#Engram, n.: 1. The physical manifestation of human memory -- 'the engram.' 2. A particular memory in physical form. [Usage note: this term is no longer in common use. Prior to Wilson and Magruder's historic discovery, the nature of the engram was a topic of intense speculation among neuroscientists, psychologists, and even computer scientists. In 1994 Professors M. R. Wilson and W. V. Magruder, both of Mount St. Coax University in Palo Alto, proved conclusively that the mammalian brain is hardwired to interpret a set of thirty seven genetically transmitted cooperating TECO macros. Human memory was shown to reside in 1 million Q-registers as Huffman coded uppercase-only ASCII strings. Interest in the engram has declined substantially since that time.] -- New Century Unabridged English Dictionary, 3rd edition, 2007 A.D.|!}Endless Loop, n.: see Loop, Endless. Loop, Endless, n.: see Endless Loop. -- Random Shack Data Processing Dictionary #D_#8'uEtymology, n.: Some early etymological scholars came up with derivations that were hard for the public to believe. The term 'etymology' was formed from the Latin 'etus' ('eaten'), the root 'mal' ('bad'), and 'logy' ('study of'). It meant 'the study of things that are hard to swallow.' -- Mike Kellent&mEpperson's law: When a man says it's a silly, childish game, it's probably something his wife can beat him at.k%[Envy, n.: Wishing you'd been born with an unfair advantage, instead of having to try and acquire one.r$iEntreprenuer, n.: A high-rolling risk taker who would rather be a spectacular failure than a dismal success.D# enhance, v.: To tamper with an image, usually to its detriment. j? jE,Expert, n.: Someone who comes from out of town and shows slides.W+3Experience, n.: Something you don't get until just after you need it. -- Olivier0*gExpense Accounts, n.: Corporate food stamps.q)gEvery program has (at least) two purposes: the one for which it was written and another for which it wasn't.I(Every Horse has an Infinite Number of Legs (proof by intimidation): Horses have an even number of legs. Behind they have two legs, and in front they have fore-legs. This makes six legs, which is certainly an odd number of legs for a horse. But the only number that is both even and odd is infinity. Therefore, horses have an infinite number of legs. Now to show this for the general case, suppose that somewhere, there is a horse that has a finite number of legs. But that is a horse of another color, and by the lemma ['All horses are the same color'], that does not exist. prize without purchase, do the following: (a) Carefully cut out your computer-printed name and address from upper right hand corner of the Prize Claim Form. (b) Affix computer-printed name and address -- with glue or cellophane tape (no staples or paper clips) -- to a 3x5 inch index card. (c) Also cut out the 'No' paragraph (lower left hand corner of Prize Claim Form) and affix it to the 3x5 card below your address label. (d) Then print on your 3x5 card, above your computer-printed name and address the words 'CARTER & VAN PEEL SWEEPSTAKES' (Use all capital letters.) (e) Finally place 3x5 card (without bending) into a plain envelope [NOTE: do NOT use the the Official Prize Claim and CVP Perfume Reply Envelope or you may be disqualified], and mail to: CVP, Box 1320, Westbury, NY 11595. Print this address correctly. Comply with above instructions carefully and completely or you may be disqualified from receiving your prize. C^F$2MFamous last words: (1) 'Don't worry, I can handle it.' (2) 'You and what army?' (3) 'If you were as smart as you think you are, you wouldn't be a cop.'11Famous last words:(0Wfalsie salesman, n: Fuller bust man.6/qFakir, n: A psychologist whose charismatic data have inspired almost religious devotion in his followers, even though the sources seem to have shinnied up a rope and vanished.K.Fairy Tale, n.: A horror story to prepare children for the newspapers.-)Extract from Official Sweepstakes Rules: NO PURCHASE REQUIRED TO CLAIM YOUR PRIZE To claim yourP NhNW63feature, n: A surprising property of a program. Occasionaly documented. To call a property a feature sometimes means the author did not consider that case, and the program makes an unexpected, though not necessarily wrong response. See BUG. 'That's not a bug, it's a feature!' A bug can be changed to a feature by documenting it.Y57Famous, adj.: Conspicuously miserable. -- Ambrose Bierce, 'The Devil's Dictionary'`4EFamous quotations: ' ' -- Charlie Chaplin ' ' -- Harpo Marx ' ' -- Marcel Marceau3-Famous last words: (1) Don't unplug it, it will just take a moment to fix. (2) Let's take the shortcut, he can't see us from there. (3) What happens if you touch these two wires tog-- (4) We won't need reservations. (5) It's always sunny there this time of the year. (6) Don't worry, it's not loaded. (7) They'd never (be stupid enough to) make him a manager. (8) Don't worry! Women love it! l@A>Finagle's Creed: Science is true. Don't be misled by facts..=cfilibuster, n.: Throwing your wait around.E<File cabinet: A four drawer, manually activated trash compactor.; Fifth Law of Procrastination: Procrastination avoids boredom; one never has the feeling that there is nothing important to do.0:eFifth Law of Applied Terror: If you are given an open-book exam, you will forget your book. Corollary: If you are given a take-home exam, you will forget where you live.K9Fidelity, n.: A virtue peculiar to those who are about to be betrayed.W83Ferguson's Precept: A crisis is when you can't say 'let's forget the whole thing.'7%fenderberg, n.: The large glacial deposits that form on the insides of car fenders during snowstorms. -- 'Sniglets', Rich Hall & Friends 6%AOFinagle's First Law: To study a subject best, understand it thoroughly before you start. Finagle's Second Law: Always keep a record of data -- it indicates you've been working. Finagle's Fourth Law: Once a job is fouled up, anything done to improve it only makes it worse. Finagle's Fifth Law: Always draw your curves, then plot your readings. Finagle's Sixth Law: Don't believe in miracles -- rely on them.K@Finagle's First Law: If an experiment works, something has gone wrong.x?uFinagle's Eighth Law: If an experiment works, something has gone wrong. Finagle's Ninth Law: No matter what results are expected, someone is always willing to fake it. Finagle's Tenth Law: No matter what the result someone is always eager to misinterpret it. Finagle's Eleventh Law: No matter what occurs, someone believes it happened according to his pet theory. 5vAYH7First law of debate: Never argue with a fool. People might not know the difference.\G=First Law of Bicycling: No matter which way you ride, it's uphill and against the wind.2FkFinster's Law: A closed mouth gathers no feet.4EoFine's Corollary: Functionality breeds Contempt./DcFinagle's Third Law: In any collection of data, the figure most obviously correct, beyond all need of checking, is the mistake Corollaries: (1) Nobody whom you ask for help will see it. (2) The first person who stops by, whose advice you really don't want to hear, will see it immediately.RC)Finagle's Seventh Law: The perversity of the universe tends toward a maximum.GBFinagle's Second Law: No matter what the anticipated result, there will always be someone eager to (a) misinterpret it, (b) fake it, or (c) believe it happened according to his own pet theory.  kL[Fishbowl, n.: A glass-enclosed isolation cell where newly promoted managers are kept for observation.aKGFirst Rule of History: History doesn't repeat itself -- historians merely repeat each other.Gravity: What you get when you eat too much and too fast.Mgrasshopotomaus: A creature that can leap to tremendous heights... once.'Grandpa Charnock's Law: You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive. [I thought it was when your kids learned to drive. Ed.]IGrabel's Law: 2 is not equal to 3 -- not even for large values of 2.8wGovernment's Law: There is an exception to all laws. H>N6qgurmlish, n.: The red warning flag at the top of a club sandwich which prevents the person from biting into it and puncturing the roof of his mouth. -- Rich Hall, 'Sniglets'l]Gunter's Airborne Discoveries: (1) When you are served a meal aboard an aircraft, the aircraft will encounter turbulence. (2) The strength of the turbulence is directly proportional to the temperature of your coffee.p eGumperson's Law: The probability of a given event occurring is inversely proportional to its desirability.- aGuillotine, n.: A French chopping center.d MGrinnell's Law of Labor Laxity: At all times, for any task, you have not got enough done today.M Griffin's Thought: When you starve with a tiger, the tiger starves last.e OGrelb's Reminder: Eighty percent of all people consider themselves to be above average drivers. Z;ZH. L. Mencken's Law: Those who can -- do. Those who can't -- teach. Martin's Extension: Those who cannot teach -- administrate.7gyroscope, n.: A wheel or disk mounted to spin rapidly about an axis and also free to rotate about one or both of two axes perpindicular to each other and the axis of spin so that a rotation of one of the two mutually perpendicular axes results from application of torque to the other when the wheel is spinning and so that the entire apparatus offers considerable opposition depending on the angular momentum to any torque that would change the direction of the axis of spin. -- Webster's Seventh New Collegiate Dictionary6sguru, n: A computer owner who can read the manual.Aguru, n.: A person in T-shirt and sandals who took an elevator ride with a senior vice-president and is ultimately responsible for the phone call you are about to receive from your boss. $s$Fhacker, n.: Originally, any person with a knack for coercing stubborn inanimate things; hence, a person with a happy knack, later contracted by the mythical philosopher Frisbee Frobenius to the common usage, 'hack'. In olden times, upon completion of some particularly atrocious body of coding that happened to work well, culpable programmers would gather in a small circle around a first edition of Knuth's Best Volume I by candlelight, and proceed to get very drunk while sporadically rending the following ditty: Hacker's Fight Song He's a Hack! He's a Hack! He's a guy with the happy knack! Never bungles, never shirks, Always gets his stuff to work! All take a drink (important!)Ehacker, n.: A master byter.`EHacker's Quicky #313: Sour Cream -n- Onion Potato Chips Microwave Egg Roll Chocolate Milk Hacker's Law: The belief that enhanced understanding will necessarily stir a nation to action is one of mankind's oldest illusions. `EHale Mail Rule, The: When you are ready to reply to a letter, you will lack at least one of the following: (a) A pen or pencil or typewriter. (b) Stationery. (c) Postage stamp. (d) The letter you are answering. CCAHand, n.: A singular instrument worn at the end of a human arm and commonly thrust into somebody's pocket. -- Ambrose Bierce, 'The Devil's Dictionary'3half-done, n.: This is the best way to eat a kosher dill -- when it's still crunchy, light green, yet full of garlic flavor. The difference between this and the typical soggy dark green cucumber corpse is like the difference between life and death. You may find it difficult to find a good half-done kosher dill there in Seattle, so what you should do is take a cab out to the airport, fly to New York, take the JFK Express to Jay Street-Borough Hall, transfer to an uptown F, get off at East Broadway, walk north on Essex (along the park), make your first left onto Hester Street, walk about fifteen steps, turn ninety degrees left, and stop. Say to the man, 'Let me have a nice half-done.' Worth the trouble, wasn't it? -- Arthur Naiman, 'Every Goy's Guide to Yiddish' /+vs/#/Harriet's Dining Observation: In every restaurant, the hardness of the butter pats increases in direct proportion to the softness of the bread.E"Hardware, n.: The parts of a computer system that can be kicked.`!Ehard, adj.: The quality of your own data; also how it is to believe those of other people. Happiness, n.: An agreeable sensation arising from contemplating the misery of another. -- Ambrose Bierce, 'The Devil's Dictionary'riHanson's Treatment of Time: There are never enough hours in a day, but always too many days before Saturday.`EHanlon's Razor: Never attribute to malice that which is adequately explained by stupidity.&Shangover, n.: The wrath of grapes.&SHangover, n.: The burden of proof.Q'handshaking protocol, n: A process employed by hostile hardware devices to initate a terse but civil dialogue, which, in turn, is characterized by occasional misunderstanding, sulking, and name-calling. |X|<+heavy, adj.: Seduced by the chocolate side of the force.V*1Heaven, n.: A place where the wicked cease from troubling you with talk of their personal affairs, and the good listen with attention while you expound your own. -- Ambrose Bierce, 'The Devil's Dictionary'd)MHawkeye's Conclusion: It's not easy to play the clown when you've got to run the whole circus.(Hatred, n.: A sentiment appropriate to the occasion of another's superiority. -- Ambrose Bierce, 'The Devil's Dictionary'|'}Hartley's First Law: You can lead a horse to water, but if you can get him to float on his back, you've got something.V&1Harrison's Postulate: For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.q%gHarrisberger's Fourth Law of the Lab: Experience is directly proportional to the amount of equipment ruined.1$iHarris's Lament: All the good ones are taken. ,[,e1OHippogriff, n.: An animal (now extinct) which was half horse and half griffin. The griffin was itself a compound creature, half lion and half eagle. The hippogriff was actually, therefore, only one quarter eagle, which is two dollars and fifty cents in gold. The study of zoology is full of surprises. -- Ambrose Bierce, 'The Devil's Dictionary'`0EHildebrant's Principle: If you don't know where you are going, any road will get you there.6/qHewett's Observation: The rudeness of a bureaucrat is inversely proportional to his or her position in the governmental hierarchy and to the number of peers similarly engaged.K.Herth's Law: He who turns the other cheek too far gets it in the neck.X-5Hempstone's Question: If you have to travel on the Titanic, why not go first class?!,GHeller's Law: The first myth of management is that it exists. Johnson's Corollary: Nobody really knows what is going on anywhere within the organization. J JF8Hollerith, v.: What thou doest when thy phone is on the fritzeth.q7gHofstadter's Law: It always takes longer than you expect, even when you take Hofstadter's Law into account.6+Hoffer's Discovery: The grand act of a dying institution is to issue a newly revised, enlarged edition of the policies and procedures manual.h5UHoare's Law of Large Problems: Inside every large problem is a small problem struggling to get out.s4kHlade's Law: If you have a difficult task, give it to a lazy person -- they will find an easier way to do it.r3iHitchcock's Staple Principle: The stapler runs out of staples only while you are trying to staple something.2History, n.: Papa Hegel he say that all we learn from history is that we learn nothing from history. I know people who can't even learn from what happened this morning. Hegel must have been taking the long view. -- Chad C. Mulligan, 'The Hipcrime Vocab' TY1T~@HOW YOU CAN TELL THAT IT'S GOING TO BE A ROTTEN DAY: #32: You call your answering service and they've never heard of you.Y?7HOW YOU CAN TELL THAT IT'S GOING TO BE A ROTTEN DAY: #15 Your pet rock snaps at you.f>QHOW YOU CAN TELL THAT IT'S GOING TO BE A ROTTEN DAY: #1040 Your income tax refund cheque bounces.c=KHousehold hint: If you are out of cream for your coffee, mayonnaise makes a dandy substitute.V<1Horngren's Observation: Among economists, the real world is often a special case.U;/Horner's Five Thumb Postulate: Experience varies directly with equipment ruined.n:aHonorable, adj.: Afflicted with an impediment in one's reach. In legislative bodies, it is customary to mention all members as honorable; as, 'the honorable gentleman is a scurvy cur.' -- Ambrose Bierce, 'The Devil's Dictionary'Z99honeymoon, n.: A short period of doting between dating and debting. -- Ray C. Bandy pp FIBM: [International Business Machines Corp.] Also known as Itty Bitty Machines or The Lawyer's Friend. The dominant force in computer marketing, having supplied worldwide some 75% of all known hardware and 10% of all software. To protect itself from the litigious envy of less successful organizations, such as the US government, IBM employs 68% of all known ex-Attorneys' General.\insecurity, n.: Finding out that you've mispronounced for years one of your favorite words. Realizing halfway through a joke that you're telling it to the person who told it to you."[Kinnovate, v.: To annoy people.:Zyink, n.: A villainous compound of tannogallate of iron, gum-arabic, and water, chiefly used to facilitate the infection of idiocy and promote intellectual crime. -- H.L. Mencken^YAIngrate, n.: A man who bites the hand that feeds him, and then complains of indigestion.X)Information Processing: What you call data processing when people are so disgusted with it they won't let it be discussed in their presence. t9Xd5'It's in process': So wrapped up in red tape that the situation is almost hopeless.%cOIt is fruitless: to become lachrymose over precipitately departed lactate fluid. to attempt to indoctrinate a superannuated canine with innovative maneuvers.)bWIssawi's Laws of Progress: The Course of Progress: Most things get steadily worse. The Path of Progress: A shortcut is the longest distance between two points.8awISO applications: A solution in search of a problem!2`kIron Law of Distribution: Them that has, gets.W_3intoxicated, adj.: When you feel sophisticated without being able to pronounce it.y^wInterpreter, n.: One who enables two persons of different languages to understand each other by repeating to each what it would have been to the interpreter's advantage for the other to have said. -- Ambrose Bierce, 'The Devil's Dictionary' VR>J{Kent's Heuristic: Look for it first where you'd most like to find it.mz_Kennedy's Market Theorem: Given enough inside information and unlimited credit, you've got to go broke.yKeep in mind always the four constant Laws of Frisbee: (1) The most powerful force in the world is that of a disc straining to land under a car, just out of reach (this force is technically termed 'car suck'). (2) Never precede any maneuver by a comment more predictive than 'Watch this!' (3) The probability of a Frisbee hitting something is directly proportional to the cost of hitting it. For instance, a Frisbee will always head directly towards a policeman or a little old lady rather than the beat up Chevy. (4) Your best throw happens when no one is watching; when the cute girl you've been trying to impress is watching, the Frisbee will invariably bounce out of your hand or hit you in the head and knock you silly. P@s %PLKliban's First Law of Dining: Never eat anything bigger than your head. Kinkler's First Law: Responsibility always exceeds authority. Kinkler's Second Law: All the easy problems have been solved.6qKington's Law of Perforation: If a straight line of holes is made in a piece of paper, such as a sheet of stamps or a check, that line becomes the strongest part of the paper.(WKin, n.: An affliction of the blood.fQKime's Law for the Reward of Meekness: Turning the other cheek merely ensures two bruised cheeks.W~3Kettering's Observation: Logic is an organized way of going wrong with confidence.p}ekernel, n.: A part of an operating system that preserves the medieval traditions of sorcery and black art.<|}kern, v.: 1. To pack type together as tightly as the kernels on an ear of corn. 2. In parts of Brooklyn and Queens, N.Y., a small, metal object used as part of the monetary system. u+b ILangsam's Laws: (1) Everything depends. (2) Nothing is always. (3) Everything is sometimes.& QLactomangulation, n.: Manhandling the 'open here' spout on a milk carton so badly that one has to resort to using the 'illegal' side. -- Rich Hall, 'Sniglets'_ CLackland's Laws: (1) Never be first. (2) Never be last. (3) Never volunteer for anythingv qLabor, n.: One of the processes by which A acquires property for B. -- Ambrose Bierce, 'The Devil's Dictionary'{{Krogt, n. (chemical symbol: Kr): The metallic silver coating found on fast-food game cards. -- Rich Hall, 'Sniglets'X5Kramer's Law: You can never tell which way the train went by looking at the tracks.&Sknowledge, n.: Things you believe.jYKnebel's Law: It is now proved beyond doubt that smoking is one of the leading causes of statistics.Kludge, n.: An ill-assorted collection of poorly-matching parts, forming a distressing whole. -- Jackson Granholm, 'Datamation' bqXb1iLaw of the Jungle: He who hesitates is lunch.=Law of Selective Gravity: An object will fall so as to do the most damage. Jenning's Corollary: The chance of the bread falling with the buttered side down is directly proportional to the cost of the carpet. Law of the Perversity of Nature: You cannot determine beforehand which side of the bread to butter.~Law of Procrastination: Procrastination avoids boredom; one never has the feeling that there is nothing important to do._CLaw of Continuity: Experiments should be reproducible. They should all fail the same way.3kLaw of Communications: The inevitable result of improved and enlarged communications between different levels in a hierarchy is a vastly increased area of misunderstanding.4oLaura's Law: No child throws up in the bathroom. Glaser, n.: Failed death ray.2 kLarkinson's Law: All laws are basically false. ,B,*YLawyer's Rule: When the law is against you, argue the facts. When the facts are against you, argue the law. When both are against you, call the other lawyer names.eOlawsuit, n.: A machine which you go into as a pig and come out as a sausage. -- Ambrose BierceILaws of Serendipity: (1) In order to discover anything, you must be looking for something. (2) If you wish to make an improved product, you must already be engaged in making an inferior one.m_Laws of Computer Programming: (1) Any given program, when running, is obsolete. (2) Any given program costs more and takes longer. (3) If a program is useful, it will have to be changed. (4) If a program is useless, it will have to be documented. (5) Any given program will expand to fill all available memory. (6) The value of a program is proportional the weight of its output. (7) Program complexity grows until it exceeds the capability of the programmer who must maintain it. t_Dt leverage, n.: Even if someone doesn't care what the world thinks about them, they always hope their mother doesn't find out.FLemma: All horses are the same color. Proof (by induction): Case n = 1: In a set with only one horse, it is obvious that all horses in that set are the same color. Case n = k: Suppose you have auoLeibowitz's Rule: When hammering a nail, you will never hit your finger if you hold the hammer with both hands.gSLee's Law: Mother said there would be days like this, but she never said that there'd be so many!-_learning curve, n.: An astonishing new theory, discovered by management consultants in the 1970's, asserting that the more you do something the quicker you can do it.?Lazlo's Chinese Relativity Axiom: No matter how great your triumphs or how tragic your defeats -- approximately one billion Chinese couldn't care less. set of k+1 horses. Pull one of these horses out of the set, so that you have k horses. Suppose that all of these horses are the same color. Now put back the horse that you took out, and pull out a different one. Suppose that all of the k horses now in the set are the same color. Then the set of k+1 horses are all the same color. We have k true => k+1 true; therefore all horses are the same color. Theorem: All horses have an infinite number of legs. Proof (by intimidation): Everyone would agree that all horses have an even number of legs. It is also well-known that horses have forelegs in front and two legs in back. 4 + 2 = 6 legs, which is certainly an odd number of legs for a horse to have! Now the only number that is both even and odd is infinity; therefore all horses have an infinite number of legs. However, suppose that there is a horse somewhere that does not have an infinite number of legs. Well, that would be a horse of a different color; and by the Lemma, it doesn't exist. .3?jX.'*Ulisp, v.: To call a spade a thpade.C) Linus' Law: There is no heavier burden than a great potential.H(like: When being alive at the same time is a wonderful coincidence.~'lighthouse, n.: A tall building on the seashore in which the government maintains a lamp and the friend of a politician.E&life, n.: That brief interlude between nothingness and eternity.B% life, n.: Learning about people the hard way -- by being one.E$life, n.: A whim of several billion cells to be you for a while.Q#'Lieberman's Law: Everybody lies, but it doesn't matter since nobody listens.Y"7Lie, n.: A very poor substitute for the truth, but the only one discovered to date.A!Liar: one who tells an unpleasant truth. -- Oliver Herford_ CLiar, n.: A lawyer with a roving commission. -- Ambrose Bierce, 'The Devil's Dictionary'hULewis's Law of Travel: The first piece of luggage out of the chute doesn't belong to anyone, ever. 7u8-i7E5Machine-Independent, adj.: Does not run on any existing machine.B4 Lunatic Asylum, n.: The place where optimism most flourishes.J3Lubarsky's Law of Cybernetic Entomology: There's always one more bug.U2/Lowery's Law: If it jams -- force it. If it breaks, it needed replacing anyway.O1#love, v.: I'll let you play with my life if you'll let me play with yours.o0clove, n.: When, if asked to choose between your lover and happiness, you'd skip happiness in a heartbeat.S/+love, n.: When you like to think of someone on days that begin with a morning.a.Glove, n.: When you don't want someone too close--because you're very sensitive to pleasure.N-!love, n.: When it's growing, you don't mind watering it with a few tears.:,{love, n.: Love ties in a knot in the end of the rope.+Lockwood's Long Shot: The chances of getting eaten up by a lion on Main Street aren't one in a million, but once would be enough. +m:_Magnet, n.: Something acted upon by magnetism. Magnetism, n.: Something acting upon a magnet. The two definition immediately foregoing are condensed from the works of one thousand eminent scientists, who have illuminated the subject with a great white light, to the inexpressible advancement of human knowledge. -- Ambrose Bierce, 'The Devil's Dictionary'H9Magary's Principle: When there is a public outcry to cut deadwood and fat from any government bureaucracy, it is the deadwood and the fat that do the cutting, and the public's services are cut. 8MAFIA, n: [Acronym for Mechanized Applications in Forced Insurance Accounting.] An extensive netwoU7/Madison's Inquiry: If you have to travel on the Titanic, why not go first class?z6yMad, adj.: Affected with a high degree of intellectual independence ... -- Ambrose Bierce, 'The Devil's Dictionary'rk with many on-line and offshore subsystems running under OS, DOS, and IOS. MAFIA documentation is rather scanty, and the MAFIA sales office exhibits that testy reluctance to bona fide inquiries which is the hallmark of so many DP operations. From the little that has seeped out, it would appear that MAFIA operates under a non-standard protocol, OMERTA, a tight-lipped variant of SNA, in which extended handshakes also perform complex security functions. The known timesharing aspects of MAFIA point to a more than usually autocratic operating system. Screen prompts carry an imperative, nonrefusable weighting (most menus offer simple YES/YES options, defaulting to YES) that precludes indifference or delay. Uniquely, all editing under MAFIA is performed centrally, using a powerful rubout feature capable of erasing files, filors, filees, and entire nodal aggravations. -- Stan Kelly-Bootle, 'The Devil's DP Dictionary' |s;?}Maintainer's Motto: If we can't fix it, it ain't broke.T>-Main's Law: For every action there is an equal and opposite government program.j=YMaier's Law: If the facts do not conform to the theory, they must be disposed of. -- N.R. Maier, 'American Psychologist', March 1960 Corollaries: (1) The bigger the theory, the better. (2) The experiment may be considered a success if no more than 50% of the observed measurements must be discarded to obtain a correspondence with the theory.<3Magpie, n.: A bird whose theivish disposition suggested to someone that it might be taught to talk. -- Ambrose Bierce, 'The Devil's Dictionary';Magnocartic, adj.: Any automobile that, when left unattended, attracts shopping carts. -- Sniglets, 'Rich Hall & Friends' >ADr>1Fimanic-depressive, adj.: Easy glum, easy glow.HEmanagement, n.: The art of getting other people to do all the work.4Domalpractice, n.: The reason surgeons wear masks.MCMalek's Law: Any simple idea will be worded in the most complicated way.yBwMale, n.: A member of the unconsidered, or negligible sex. The male of the human race is commonly known to the female as Mere Man. The genus has two varieties: good providers and bad providers. -- Ambrose Bierce, 'The Devil's Dictionary'FAMajority, n.: That quality that distinguishes a crime from a law.r@iMajor premise: Sixty men can do sixty times as much work as one man. Minor premise: A man can dig a posthole in sixty seconds. Conclusion: Sixty men can dig a posthole in one second. -- Ambrose Bierce, 'The Devil's Dictionary' Secondary Conclusion: Do you realize how many holes there would be if people would just take the time to take the dirt out of them? +UZ8+_OCMaslow's Maxim: If the only tool you have is a hammer, you treat everything like a nail.DN Maryann's Law: You can always find what you're not looking for.aMGMarxist Law of Distribution of Wealth: Shortages will be divided equally among the peasants.LEMarriage, n.: The evil aye.$KOmarriage, n.: Convertible bonds.PJ%marriage, n.: An old, established institution, entered into by two people deeply in love and desiring to make a committment to each other expressing that love. In short, committment to an institution.wIsMark's Dental-Chair Discovery: Dentists are incapable of asking questions that require a simple yes or no answer.FHmanual, n.: A unit of documentation. There are always three or more on a given item. One is on the shelf; someone has the others. The information you need is in the others. -- Ray SimarddGMManly's Maxim: Logic is a systematic method of coming to the wrong conclusion with confidence. 7ObqWgMeader's Law: Whatever happens to you, it will previously have happened to everyone you know, only more so.\V=Meade's Maxim: Always remember that you are absolutely unique, just like everyone else.jUYMcGowan's Madison Avenue Axiom: If an item is advertised as 'under $50', you can bet it's not $19.95.}TMcEwan's Rule of Relative Importance: When traveling with a herd of elephants, don't be the first to lie down and rest.S1May's Law: The quality of correlation is inversly proportional to the density of control. (The fewer the data points, the smoother the curves.)KRMatz's Law: A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.]Q?mathematician, n.: Some one who believes imaginary things appear right before your _i's.fPQMason's First Law of Synergism: The one day you'd sell your soul for something, souls are a glut. n&rx]uMencken and Nathan's Second Law of The Average American: All the postmasters in small towns read all the postcards.\;Mencken and Nathan's Ninth Law of The Average American: The quality of a champagne is judged by the amount of noise the cork makes when it is popped.[Mencken and Nathan's Fifteenth Law of The Average American: The worst actress in the company is always the manager's wife.Z#memo, n.: An interoffice communication too often written more for the benefit of the person who sends it than the person who receives it.EYmeetings, n.: A place where minutes are kept and hours are lost.X!meeting, n.: An assembly of people coming together to decide what person or department not represented in the room must solve a problem. hpB'hFgmillihelen, n.: The amount of beauty required to launch one ship.,f_Miller's Slogan: Lose a few, lose a few.De Miksch's Law: If a string has one end, then it has another end.d7micro: Thinker toys.Bc Micro Credo: Never trust a computer bigger than you can lift.ebOmethionylglutaminylarginyltyrosylglutamylserylleucylphenylalanylalanylglutamin- ylleucyllysylglutamylargiqagmeterologist, n.: One who doubts the established fact that it is bound to rain if you forget your umbrella._`CMeskimen's Law: There's never time to do it right, but there's always time to do it over.I_Menu, n.: A list of dishes which the restaurant has just run out of.^^AMencken and Nathan's Sixteenth Law of The Average American: Milking a cow is an operation demanding a special talent that is possessed only by yokels, and no person born in a large city can never hope to acquire it.nyllysylglutamylglycylalanylphenylalanylvalylprolyl- phenylalanylvalylthreonylleucylglycylaspartylprolylglycylisoleucylglutamylglu- taminylserylleucyllysylisoleucylaspartylthreonylleucylisoleucylglutamylalanyl- glycylalanylaspartylalanylleucylglutamylleucylglycylisoleucylprolylphenylala- nylserylaspartylprolylleucylalanylaspartylglycylprolylthreonylisoleucylgluta- minylasparaginylalanylthreonylleucylarginylalanylphenylalanylalanylalanylgly- cylvalylthreonylprolylalanylglutaminylcysteinylphenylalanylglutamylmethionyl- leucylalanylleucylisoleucylarginylglutaminyllysylhistidylprolylthreonylisoleu- cylprolylisoleucylglycylleucylleucylmethionyltyrosylalanylasparaginylleucylva- lylphenylalanylasparaginyllysylglycylisoleucylaspartylglutamylphenylalanyltyro- sylalanylglutaminylcysteinylglutamyllysylvalylglycylvalylaspartylserylvalylleu- cylvalylalanylaspartylvalylprolylvalylglutaminylglutamylserylalanylprolylphe- nylalanylarginylglutaminylalanylalanylleucylarginylhistidylasparaginylvalylala- nylprolylisoleucylphenylalanylisoleucylcysteinylprolylprolylaspartylalanylas- partylaspartylaspartylleucylleucylarginylglutaminylisoleucylalanylseryltyrosyl- glycylarginylglycyltyrosylthreonyltyrosylleucylleucylserylarginylalanylglycyl- valylthreonylglycylalanylglutamylasparaginylarginylalanylalanylleucylprolylleu- cylasparaginylhistidylleucylvalylalanyllysylleucyllysylglutamyltyrosylasparagi- nylalanylalanylprolylprolylleucylglutaminylglycylphenylalanylglycylisoleucylse- rylalanylprolylaspartylglutaminylvalyllysylalanylalanylisoleucylaspartylalanyl- glycylalanylalanylglycylalanylisoleucylserylglycylserylalanylisoleucylvalylly- sylisoleucylisoleucylglutamylglutaminylhistidylasparaginylisoleucylglutamylpro- lylglutamyllysylmethionylleucylalanylalanylleucyllysylvalylphenylalanylvalyl- glutaminylprolylmethionyllysylalanylalanylthreonylarginylserine, n.: The chemical name for tryptophan synthetase A protein, a 1,913-letter enzyme with 267 amino acids. -- Mrs. Byrne's Dictionary of Unusual, Obscure, and Preposterous Words `m^&`apGmixed emotions: Watching your mother-in-law back off a cliff... in your brand new Mercedes._oCmixed emotions: Watching a bus-load of lawyers plunge off a cliff. With five empty seats.nMix's Law: There is nothing more permanent than a temporary building. There is nothing more permanent than a temporary tax./mcmittsquinter, adj.: A ballplayer who looks into his glove after missing the ball, as if, somehow, the cause of the error lies there. -- 'Sniglets', Rich Hall & FriendswlsMitchell's Law of Committees: Any simple problem can be made insoluble if enough meetings are held to discuss it.&kSMIT: The Georgia Tech of the NorthijWMisfortune, n.: The kind of fortune that never misses. -- Ambrose Bierce, 'The Devil's Dictionary'2ikMIPS: Meaningless Indicator of Processor Speed[h;Minicomputer: A computer that can be afforded on the budget of a middle-level manager. zz*BzCv momentum, n.: What you give a person when they are going away.uMollison's Bureaucracy Hypothesis: If an idea can survive a bureaucratic review and be implemented it wasn't worth doing.stkMolecule, n.: The ultimate, indivisible unit of matter. It is distinguished from the corpuscle, also the ultimate, indivisible unit of matter, by a closer resemblance to the atom, also the ultimate, indivisible unit of matter ... The ion differs from the molecule, the corpuscle and the atom in that it is an ion ... -- Ambrose Bierce, 'The Devil's Dictionary'nsaModesty: The gentle art of enhancing your charm by pretending not to be aware of it. -- Oliver HerfordMrmodesty, n.: Being comfortable that others will discover your greatness.q modem, adj.: Up-to-date, new-fangled, as in 'Thoroughly Modem Millie.' An unfortunate byproduct of kerning. [That's sic!] R{at=R-Murphy's Laws: (1) If anything can go wrong, it will. (2) Nothing is as easy as it looks. (3) Everything takes longer than you think it will.P~%Murphy's Law of Research: Enough research will tend to support your theory.4}omummy, n.: An Egyptian who was pressed for time.k|[Mr. Cole's Axiom: The sum of the intelligence on the planet is a constant; the population is growing.|{}Mosher's Law of Software Engineering: Don't worry if it doesn't work right. If everything did, you'd be out of a job.KzMorton's Law: If rats are experimented upon, they will develop cancer.Dy mophobia, n.: Fear of being verbally abused by a Mississippian.xMoore's Constant: Everybody sets out to do something, and everybody does something, but no one does what he sets out to do.wMoon, n.: 1. A celestial object whose phase is very important to hackers. See PHASE OF THE MOON. 2. Dave Moon (MOON@MC). yMXy[;nerd pack, n.: Plastic pouch worn in breast pocket to keep pens from soiling clothes. Nerd's position in engineering hierarchy can be measured by number of pens, grease pencils, and rulers bristling in his pack.narcolepulacyi, n.: The contagious action of yawning, causing everyone in sight to also yawn. -- 'Sniglets', Rich Hall & FriendsfQNachman's Rule: When it comes to foreign food, the less authentic the better. -- Gerald NachmanIMy father taught me three things: (1) Never mix whiskey with anything but water. (2) Never try to draw to an inside straight. (3) Never discuss business with anyone who refuses to give his name.9Mustgo, n.: Any item of food that has been sitting in the refrigerator so long it has become a science project. -- Sniglets, 'Rich Hall & Friends'EMurray's Rule: Any country with 'democratic' in the title isn't. 4oc Q 'Nick the Greek's Law of Life: All things considered, life is 9 to 5 against.V 1Newton's Little-Known Seventh Law: A bird in the hand is safer than one overhead. ;Newton's Law of Gravitation: What goes up must come down. But don't expect it to come down where you can find it. Murphy's Law applies to Newton's.j YNewman's Discovery: Your best dreams may not come true; fortunately, neither will your worst dreams. Newlan's Truism: An 'acceptable' level of unemployment means that the government economist to whom it is acceptable still has a job.3mnew, adj.: Different color from previous model.Hneutron bomb, n.: An explosive device of limited military value because, as it only destroys people without destroying property, it must be used in conjunction with bombs that destroy property. 'N= 'eONovember, n.: The eleventh twelfth of a weariness. -- Ambrose Bierce, 'The Devil's Dictionary'peNouvelle cuisine, n.: French for 'not enough food'. Continental breakfast, n.: English for 'not enough food'. Tapas, n.: Spanish for 'not enough food'. Dim Sum, n.: Chinese for more food than you've ever seen in your entire life.Non-Reciprocal Laws of Expectations: Negative expectations yield negative results. Positive expectations yield negative results.-anominal egg: New Yorkerese for expensive.aGnolo contendere: A legal term meaning: 'I didn't do it, judge, and I'll never do it again.'&Sno maintenance: Impossible to fix.no brainer: A decision which, viewed through the retrospectoscope, is 'obvious' to those who failed to make it originally.. aNinety-Ninety Rule of Project Schedules: The first ninety percent of the task takes ninety percent of the time, and the last ten percent takes the other ninety percent. X;gX Office Automation: The use of computers to improve efficiency in the office by removing anyone you would want to talk with over coffee.{{Occam's eraser: The philosophical principle that even the simplest solution is bound to have something wrong with it.B O'Toole's commentary on Murphy's Law: Murphy was an optimist.EO'Reilly's Law of the Kitchen: Cleanliness is next to impossibleD O'Brian's Law: Everything is always done for the wrong reasons.X5Nusbaum's Rule: The more pretentious the corporate name, the smaller the organization. (For instance, the Murphy Center for the Codification of Human and Organizational Law, contrasted to IBM, GM, and AT&T.)gSNowlan's Theory: He who hesitates is not only lost, but several miles from the next freeway exit.|}Novinson's Revolutionary Discovery: When comes the revolution, things will be different -- not better, just different. K<)$WOn ability: A dwarf is small, even if he stands on a mountain top; a colossus keeps his height, even if he stands in a well. -- Lucius Annaeus Seneca, 4BC - 65ADm#_omnibiblious, adj.: Indifferent to type of drink. Ex: 'Oh, you can get me anything. I'm omnibiblious.'X"5Olmstead's Law: After all is said and done, a hell of a lot more is said than done.V!1Oliver's Law: Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.X 5Old timer, n.: One who remembers when charity was a virtue and not an organization.ywOld Japanese proverb: There are two kinds of fools -- those who never climb Mt. Fuji, and those who climb it twice.Q'Ogden's Law: The sooner you fall behind, the more time you have to catch up.aGOfficial Project Stages: (1) Uncritical Acceptance (2) Wild Enthusiasm (3) Dejected Disillusionment (4) Total Confusion (5) Search for the Guilty (6) Punishment of the Innocent (7) Promotion of the Non-participants AEA%*OOne-Shot Case Study, n.: The scientific equivalent of the four-leaf clover, from which it is concluded all clovers possess four leaves and are sometimes green.,)_'One size fits all': Doesn't fit anyone.( One Page Principle: A specification that will not fit on one page of 8.5x11 inch paper cannot be understood. -- Mark ArdisF'Once, adv.: Enough. -- Ambrose Bierce, 'The Devil's Dictionary'Z&9On-line, adj.: The idea that a human being should always be accessible to a computer.7%sOn the subject of C program indentation: 'In My Egotistical Opinion, most people's C programs should be indented six feet downward and covered with dirt.' -- Blair P. Houghton .9k.:.{Oregano, n.: The ancient Italian art of pizza folding.*-[optimist, n: A bagpiper with a beeper.,?optimist, n.: A proponent of the belief that black is white. A pessimist asked God for relief. 'Ah, you wish me to restore your hope and cheerfulness,' said God. 'No,' replied the petitioner, 'I wish you to create something that would justify them.' 'The world is all created,' said God, 'but you have overlooked something -- the mortality of the optimist.' -- Ambrose Bierce, 'The Devil's Dictionary'C+ Optimism, n.: The belief that everything is beautiful, including what is ugly, good, bad, and everything right that is wrong. It is held with greatest tenacity by those accustomed to falling into adversity, and most acceptably expounded with the grin that apes a smile. Being a blind faith, it is inaccessible to the light of disproof -- an intellectual disorder, yielding to no treatment but death. It is hereditary, but not contagious. Qz:Q67Pardo's First Postulate: Anything good in life is either illegal, immoral, or fattening. Arnold's Addendum: Everything else causes cancer in rats.I5paranoia, n.: A healthy understanding of the way the universe works.4 Paprika Measure: 2 dashes == 1smidgen 2 smidgens == 1 pinch 3 pinches == 1 soupcon 2 soupcons == 2 much paprika63sPandora's Rule: Never open a box you didn't close.~2Painting, n.: The art of protecting flat surfaces from the weather, and exposing them to the critic. -- Ambrose Bierce?1pain, n.: One thing, at least it proves that you're alive! 0Ozman's Laws: (1) If someone says he will do something 'without fail,' he won't. (2) The more people talk on the phone, the less money they make. (3) People who go to conferences are the ones who shouldn't. (4) Pizza always burns the roof of your mouth.4/oOsborn's Law: Variables won't; constants aren't. bwtbn>aPatageometry, n.: The study of those mathematical properties that are invariant under brain transplants. =Password:<!Pascal: A programming language named after a man who would turn over in his grave if he knew about it. -- Datamation, January 15, 1984;%Pascal Users: To show respect for the 313th anniversary (tomorrow) of the death of Blaise Pascal, your programs will be run at half speed.v:qPascal Users: The Pascal system will be replaced next Tuesday by Cobol. Please modify your programs accordingly.i9Wparty, n.: A gathering where you meet people who drink so much you can't even remember their names.8Parkinson's Fourth Law: The number of people in any working group tends to increase regardless of the amount of work to be done.7Parkinson's Fifth Law: If there is a way to delay in important decision, the good bureaucracy, public or private, will find it. ;]-/7;ZF9pediddel: A car with only one working headlight. -- 'Sniglets', Rich Hall & FriendsE;Pedaeration, n.: The perfect body heat achieved by having one leg under the sheet and one hanging off the edge of the bed. -- Rich Hall, 'Sniglets'cDKPecor's Health-Food Principle: Never eat rutabaga on any day of the week that has a 'y' in it.C!Peace, n.: In international affairs, a period of cheating between two periods of fighting. -- Ambrose Bierce, 'The Devil's Dictionary'zBypaycheck: The weekly $5.27 that remains after deductions for federal withholding, state withholding, city withholding, FICA, medical/dental, long-term disability, unemployment insurance, Christmas Club, and payroll savings plan contributions.-AaPaul's Law: You can't fall off the floor.U@/Paul's Law: In America, it's not how much an item costs, it's how much you save.H?patent: A method of publicizing inventions so others can copy them. ABL Performance: A statement of the speed at which a computer system works. Or rather, might work under certain circumstances. Or was rumored to be working over in Jersey about a month ago.7Kuperfect guest: One who makes his host feel at home.|J}People's Action Rules: (1) Some people who can, shouldn't. (2) Some people who should, won't. (3) Some people who shouldn't, will. (4) Some people who can't, will try, regardless. (5) Some people who shouldn't, but try, will then blame others..Icpension: A federally insured chain letter.kH[Penguin Trivia #46: Animals who are not penguins can only wish they were. -- Chicago Reader 10/15/82NG!Peers's Law: The solution to a problem changes the nature of the problem. /Q%petribar: Any sun-bleached prehistoric candy that has been sitting in the window of a vending machine too long. -- Rich Hall, 'Sniglets'xPuPeterson's Rules: (1) Trucks that overturn on freeways are filled with something sticky. (2) No cute baby in a carriage is ever a girl when called one. (3) Things that tick are not always clocks. (4) Suicide only works when you're bluffing.O Peterson's Admonition: When you think you're going down for the third time -- just remember that you may have counted wrong.9NwPeter's Law of Substitution: Look after the molehills, and the mountains will look after themselves. Peter's Principle of Success: Get up one time more than you're knocked down.M%pessimist: A man who spends all his time worrying about how he can keep the wolf from the door. optimist: A man who refuses to see the wolf until he seizes the seat of his pants. opportunist: A man who invites the wolf in and appears the next day in a fur coat. ?P!?OY#Pohl's law: Nothing is so good that somebody, somewhere, will not hate it.X/Please take note: Wpixel, n.: A mischievous, magical spirit associated with screen displays. The computer industry has frequently borrowed from mythology: Witness the sprites in computer graphics, the demons in artificial intelligence, and the trolls in the marketing department.fVQPickle's Law: If Congress must do a painful thing, the thing must be done in an odd-number year.U/phosflink: To flick a bulb on and off when it burns out (as if, somehow, that will bring it back to life). -- 'Sniglets', Rich Hall & Friends>Tphilosophy: Unintelligible answers to insoluble problems.RS)philosophy: The ability to bear with calmness the misfortunes of our friends.,R] Phases of a Project: (1) Exultation. (2) Disenchantment. (3) Confusion. (4) Search for the Guilty. (5) Punishment for the Innocent. (6) Distinction for the Uninvolved. <1' <Wd3Prejudice: A vagrant opinion without visible means of support. -- Ambrose Bierce:c{prairies, n.: Vast plains covered by treeless forests.JbPower, n.: The only narcotic regulated by the SEC instead of the FDA.ma_poverty, n.: An unfortunate state that persists as long as anyone lacks anything he would like to have.f`QPositive, adj.: Mistaken at the top of one's voice. -- Ambrose Bierce, 'The Devil's Dictionary'+_]Portable, adj.: Survives system reboot.^9Poorman's Rule: When you pull a plastic garbage bag from its handy dispenser package, you always get hold of the closed end and try to pull it open.]9polygon: Dead parrot.M\Pollyanna's Educational Constant: The hyperactive child is never absent.[;politics, n.: A strife of interests masquerading as a contest of principles. The conduct of public affairs for private advantage. -- Ambrose Bierce-Zapoisoned coffee, n.: Grounds for divorce. ;~a}w;9kyProgramming Department: Mistakes made while you wait.j program, n.: Any task that can't be completed in one telephone call or one day. Once a task is defined as a program ('training program,' 'sales program,' or 'marketing program'), its implementation always justifies hiring at least three more people.`iEprogram, n.: A magic spell cast over a computer allowing it to turn one's input into error messages. tr.v. To engage in a pastime similar to banging one's head against a wall, but with fewer opportunities for reward..hcproblem drinker, n.: A man who never buys.hgUPriority: A statement of the importance of a user or a program. Often expressed as a relative priority, indicating that the user doesn't care when the work is completed so long as he is treated less badly than someone else.;f}Price's Advice: It's all a game -- play it to have fun.AePreudhomme's Law of Window Cleaning: It's on the other side. ??@mProof techniques #2: Proof by Oddity. SAMPLE: To prove that horses have an infinite number of legs. (1) Horses have an even number of legs. (2) They have two legs in back and fore legs in front. (3) This makes a total of six legs, which certainly is an odd number of legs for a horse. (4) But the only number that is both odd and even is infinity. (5) Therefore, horses must have an infinite number of legs. Topics is be covered in future issues include proof by: Intimidation Gesticulation (handwaving) 'Try it; it works' Constipation (I was just sitting there and ...) Blatant assertion Changing all the 2's to _n's Mutual consent Lack of a counterexample, and 'It stands to reason'ylwprogress, n.: Medieval man thought disease was caused by invisible demons invading the body and taking possession of it. Modern man knows disease is caused by microscopic bacteria and viruses invading the body and causing it to malfunction. ?%?HtQOTD: 'A child of 5 could understand this! Fetch me a child of 5.'Ns!QOTD: 'It's not the despair... I can stand the despair. It's the hope.' rEPutt's Law: Technology is dominated by two types of people: Those who understand what they do not manage. Those who manage what they do not understand."qIpurpitation, n.: To take something off the grocery shelf, decide you don't want it, and then put it in another section. -- 'Sniglets', Rich Hall & FriendsopcPudder's Law: Anything that begins well will end badly. (Note: The converse of Pudder's law is not true.)goSPryor's Observation: How long you live has nothing to do with how long you are going to be dead.{n{prototype, n.: First stage in the life cycle of a computer product, followed by pre-alpha, alpha, beta, release version, corrected release version, upgrade, corrected upgrade, etc. Unlike its successors, the prototype is not expected to work. 6a@I6'QOTD: 'I don't think they could put him in a mental hospital. On the other hand, if he were already in, I don't think they'd let him out.'JQOTD: 'I am not sure what this is, but an 'F' would only dignify it.'.~cQOTD: 'I ain't broke, but I'm badly bent.'Q}'QOTD: 'He's on the same bus, but he's sure as hell got a different ticket.'G|QOTD: 'He eats like a bird... five times his own weight each day.'V{1QOTD: 'Everything I am today I owe to people, whom it is now to late to punish.'Xz5QOTD: 'Every morning I read the obituaries; if my name's not there, I go to work.'7yuQOTD: 'Even the Statue of Liberty shaves her pits.'7xuQOTD: 'East is east... and let's keep it that way.'Ow#QOTD: 'Don't let your mind wander -- it's too little to be let out alone.'IvQOTD: 'Do you smell something burning or is it me?' -- Joan of ArcPu%QOTD: 'A university faculty is 500 egotists with a common parking problem.' T{*LETN !QOTD: 'I used to get high on life but lately I've built up a resistance.'W 3QOTD: 'I used to be lost in the shuffle, now I just shuffle along with the lost.'C  QOTD: 'I used to be an idealist, but I got mugged by reality.'!QOTD: 'I tried buying a goat instead of a lawn tractor; had to return it though. Couldn't figure out a way to connect the snow blower.'riQOTD: 'I thought I saw a unicorn on the way over, but it was just a horse with one of the horns broken off.'[;QOTD: 'I sprinkled some baking powder over a couple of potatoes, but it didn't work.'B QOTD: 'I only touch base with reality on an as-needed basis!'8wQOTD: 'I never met a man I couldn't drink handsome.'N!QOTD: 'I may not be able to walk, but I drive from the sitting position.'?QOTD: 'I haven't come far enough, and don't call me baby.'@QOTD: 'I drive my car quietly, for it goes without saying.' Cxj?FCO#QOTD: 'If he learns from his mistakes, pretty soon he'll know everything.'T-QOTD: 'I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing trivial.'W3QOTD: 'I've got one last thing to say before I go; give me back all of my stuff.'jYQOTD: 'I've always wanted to work in the Federal Mint. And then go on strike. To make less money.'>QOTD: 'I'm on a seafood diet -- I see food and I eat it.'HQOTD: 'I'm not really for apathy, but I'm not against it either...'(WQOTD: 'I'm just a boy named 'su'...':{QOTD: 'I'll listen to reason when it comes out on CD.'tmQOTD: 'I'd never marry a woman who didn't like pizza... I might play golf with her, but I wouldn't marry her!'W3QOTD: 'I won't say he's untruthful, but his wife has to call the dog for dinner.'F QOTD: 'I used to jog, but the ice kept bouncing out of my glass.'< QOTD: 'I used to go to UCLA, but then my Dad got a job.' os|Mv"qQOTD: 'It's hard to tell whether he has an ace up his sleeve or if the ace is missing from his deck altogether.'K!QOTD: 'It's been real and it's been fun, but it hasn't been real fun.', _QOTD: 'It's been Monday all week today.'AQOTD: 'It's a cold bowl of chili, when love don't work out.'N!QOTD: 'It wouldn't have been anything, even if it were gonna be a thing.'_CQOTD: 'It was so cold last winter that I saw a lawyer with his hands in his own pockets.'Z9QOTD: 'It seems to me that your antenna doesn't bring in too many stations anymore.'JQOTD: 'In the shopping mall of the mind, he's in the toy department.'O#QOTD: 'If you keep an open mind people will throw a lot of garbage in it.';}QOTD: 'If I'm what I eat, I'm a chocolate chip cookie.'P%QOTD: 'If I could walk that way, I wouldn't need the cologne, now would I?' >{2Xz0>v.qQOTD: 'Say, you look pretty athletic. What say we put a pair of tennis shoes on you and run you into the wall?'H-QOTD: 'Overweight is when you step on your dog's tail and it dies.'+,]QOTD: 'Our parents were never our age.'G+QOTD: 'Oh, no, no... I'm not beautiful. Just very, very pretty.'F*QOTD: 'Of course there's no reason for it, it's just our policy.'U)/QOTD: 'Of course it's the murder weapon. Who would frame someone with a fake?':({QOTD: 'My shampoo lasts longer than my relationships.'D' QOTD: 'My life is a soap opera, but who gets the movie rights?'7&uQOTD: 'Like this rose, our love will wilt and die.'V%1QOTD: 'Lack of planning on your part doesn't consitute an emergency on my part.'F$QOTD: 'Just how much can I get away with and still go to heaven?'#QOTD: 'It's sort of a threat, you see. I've never been very good at them myself, but I'm told they can be very effective.' 2rk m28:wQOTD: 'Who? Me? No, no, NO!! But I do sell rugs.'59qQOTD: 'When she hauled ass, it took three trips.'a8GQOTD: 'What women and psychologists call `dropping your armor', we call 'baring your neck.'_7CQOTD: 'What I like most about myself is that I'm so understanding when I mess things up.'`6EQOTD: 'What do you mean, you had the dog fixed? Just what made you think he was broken!'K5QOTD: 'Unlucky? If I bought a pumpkin farm, they'd cancel Halloween.'S4+QOTD: 'This is a one line proof... if we start sufficiently far to the left.'G3QOTD: 'There may be no excuse for laziness, but I'm sure looking.'Q2'QOTD: 'The elder gods went to Suggoth and all I got was this lousy T-shirt.'o1cQOTD: 'The baby was so ugly they had to hang a pork chop around its neck to get the dog to play with it.'O0#QOTD: 'Sure, I turned down a drink once. Didn't understand the question.')/YQOTD: 'She's about as smart as bait.' XUGl1X6EsQOTD: I'm not a nerd -- I'm 'socially challenged'.D=QOTD: I opened Pandora's box, let the cat out of the bag and put the ball in their court. -- Hon. J. Hacker (The Ministry of Administrative Affairs)8CwQOTD: I love your outfit, does it come in your size?"BIQOTD: I looked out my window, and saw Kyle Pettys' car upside down, then I thought 'One of us is in real trouble'. -- Davey Allison, on a 150 m.p.h. crash2AkQOTD: How can I miss you if you won't go away?]@?QOTD: Flash! Flash! I love you! ...but we only have fourteen hours to save the earth!0?gQOTD: All I want is more than my fair share.9>yQOTD: All I want is a little more than I'll ever get.<=QOTD: 'You're so dumb you don't even have wisdom teeth.'^<AQOTD: 'You want me to put *holes* in my ears and hang things from them? How... tribal.'G;QOTD: 'Wouldn't it be wonderful if real life supported control-Z?' fT&_fLPQOTD: Some people have one of those days. I've had one of those lives.1OiQOTD: Silence is the only virtue he has left.,N_QOTD: Sacred cows make great hamburgers.DM QOTD: On a scale of 1 to 10 I'd say... oh, somewhere in there.9LyQOTD: My mother was the travel agent for guilt trips.KKQOTD: Money isn't everything, but at least it keeps the kids in touch.kJ[QOTD: Ludwig Boltzmann, who spend much of his life studying statistical mechanics died in 1906 by his own hand. Paul Ehrenfest, carrying on the work, died similarly in 1933. Now it is our turn. -- Goodstein, States of MatterKIQOTD: If you're looking for trouble, I can offer you a wide selection.+H]QOTD: If it's too loud, you're too old.DG QOTD: I've heard about civil Engineers, but I've never met one.bFIQOTD: I'm not bald -- I'm 'hair challenged'. [I thought that was 'differently haired'. Ed.] "cWfYQQuigley's Law: Whoever has any authority over you, no matter how small, will atttempt to use it..Xcquark: The sound made by a well bred duck.W=Quality Control, n.: The process of testing one out of every 1,000 units coming off a production line to make sure that at least one out of 100 works. VQuality control, n.: Assuring that the quality of a product does not get out of hand and add to the cost of its manufacture or design.yUwQOTD: Y'know how s'm people treat th'r body like a TEMPLE? Well, I treat mine like 'n AMUSEMENT PARK... S'great...dTMQOTD: The only easy way to tell a hamster from a gerbil is that the gerbil has more dark meat.US/QOTD: The forest may be quiet, but that doesn't mean the snakes have gone away.R QOTD: Talk about willing people... over half of them are willing to work and the others are more than willing to watch them.UQ/QOTD: Talent does what it can, genius what it must. I do what I get paid to do. #J-#^_AReal Time, adj.: Here and now, as opposed to fake time, which only occurs there and then.%^ORe: Graphics: A picture is worth 10K words -- but only those to describe the picture. Hardly any sets of 10K words can be adequately described with pictures.\]=Ray's Rule of Precision: Measure with a micrometer. Mark with chalk. Cut with an axe.P\%Random, n.: As in number, predictable. As in memory access, unpredictable.h[URalph's Observation: It is a mistake to let any mechanical object realise that you are in a hurry.2ZiQWERT (kwirt) n. [MW < OW qwertyuiop, a thirteenth] 1. a unit of weight equal to 13 poiuyt avoirdupois (or 1.69 kiloliks), commonly used in structural engineering 2. [Colloq.] one thirteenth the load that a fully grown sligo can carry. 3. [Anat.] a painful irritation of the dermis in the region of the anus 4. [Slang] person who excites in others the symptoms of a qwert. -- Webster's Middle World Dictionary, 4th ed.a  &,28>DJPV\bhntz "(.4:@FLRX^djpv|}wqke_YSMGA;5/)#PE:." tmkdYQLF>6.*$ vpg]W ! "#$"%+&3'<(B)K*R+Y,a-h.p/y012 3456"7,92:8;@P?U@XA_BfCmEsFzGH IJKL M"N'O,Q2R6S>TAUHVLWOXQYUZV[X]_^`_d`iaobscxdefghijk#l+m1n8o@pFqMrRsWt]udvkwrxxy{z{ |}~*5:?FO` &,28>DJPV\bhntz "(.4:@FLRX^djpv|~xrlf`ZTNHB<60*$  ~{x߈tވq݈m܈jۈgڈdو`؈\׈YֈVՈSԈMӈG҈BЈ=ψ4Έ-͈%]gpv $*.6>FLQYdkmt ".:EPY_aipt{  &/:CLPVY]ag‡jÇnćpŇtƇxLJȈɈ ʈˈ͈̈%Έ-ψ4Ј=҈BӈGԈMՈSֈV׈Y؈\و`ڈdۈg܈j݈mވq߈tx{~  dEaReappraisal, n.: An abrupt change of mind after being found out.`5Real World, The, n.: 1. In programming, those institutions at which programming may be used in the same sentence as FORTRAN, COBOL, RPG, IBM, etc. 2. To programmers, the location of non-programmers and activities not related to programming. 3. A universe in which the standard dress is shirt and tie and in which a person's working hours are defined as 9 to 5. 4. The location of the status quo. 5. Anywhere outside a university. 'Poor fellow, he's left MIT and gone into the real world.' Used pejoratively by those not in residence there. In conversation, talking of someone who has entered the real world is not unlike talking about a deceased person. El KiRenning's Maxim: Man is the highest animal. Man does the classifying..hcReliable source, n.: The guy you just met._gCReisner's Rule of Conceptual Inertia: If you think big enough, you'll never have to do it.jfYReichel's Law: A body on vacation tends to remain on vacation unless acted upon by an outside force.ieWRegression analysis: Mathematical techniques for trying to understand why things are getting worse.Cd Reformed, n.: A synagogue that closes for the Jewish holidays.Nc!Recursion n.: See Recursion. -- Random Shack Data Processing Dictionary bEReception area, n.: The purgatory where office visitors are condemned to spend innumerable hours reading dog-eared back issues of trade magazines like Modern Plastics, Chain Saw Age, and Chicken World, while the receptionist blithely reads her own trade magazine -- Cosmopolitan. 8i(K_8$pOrevolutionary, adj.: Repackaged.doMRevolution, n.: In politics, an abrupt change in the form of misgovernment. -- Ambrose Bierce0ngRevolution, n.: A form of government abroad.Nm!Responsibility: Everyone says that having power is a great responsibility. This is a lot of bunk. Responsibility is when someone can blame you if something goes wrong. When you have power you are surrounded by people whose job it is to take the blame for your mistakes. If they're smart, that is. -- Cerebus, 'On Governing'Yl7Research, n.: Consider Columbus: He didn't know where he was going. When he got there he didn't know where he was. When he got back he didn't know where he had been. And he did it all on someone else's money.>kReputation, adj.: What others are not thinking about you.j+Reporter, n.: A writer who guesses his way to the truth and dispels it with a tempest of words. -- Ambrose Bierce, 'The Devil's Dictionary' =jw=7tuRobustness, adj.: Never having to say you're sorry.(sWRobot, n.: University administrator.Dr Ritchie's Rule: (1) Everything has some value -- if you use the right currency. (2) Paint splashes last longer than the paint job. (3) Search and ye shall find -- but make sure it was lost.q)Rhode's Law: When any principle, law, tenet, probability, happening, circumstance, or result can in no way be directly, indirectly, empirically, or circuitously proven, derived, implied, inferred, induced, deducted, estimated, or scientifically guessed, it will always for the purpose of convenience, expediency, political advantage, material gain, or personal comfort, or any combination of the above, or none of the above, be unilaterally and unequivocally assumed, proclaimed, and adhered to as absolute truth to be undeniably, universally, immutably, and infinitely so, until such time as it becomes advantageous to assume otherwise, maybe. I{@IU{/Rule of Defactualization: Information deteriorates upward through bureaucracies.z;Rule of Creative Research: (1) Never draw what you can copy. (2) Never copy what you can trace. (3) Never trace what you can cut out and paste down.Uy/Rule #1: The Boss is always right. Rule #2: If the Boss is wrong, see Rule #1.$xOrugged, adj.: Too heavy to lift.xwuRudin's Law: If there is a wrong way to do something, most people will do it every time. Rudin's Second Law: In a crisis that forces a choice to be made among alternative courses of action, people tend to choose the worst possible course.(Spence's Admonition: Never stow away on a kamikaze plane. 'Speer's 1st Law of Proofreading: The visibility of an error is inversely proportional to the number of times you have looked at it. ~<@[ 8:wsugar daddy, n.: A man who can afford to raise cain..9cSturgeon's Law: 90% of everything is crud.F8Stupid, n.: Losing $25 on the game and $25 on the instant replay.h7UStult's Report: Our problems are mostly behind us. What we have to do now is fight the solutions.6 Strategy: A long-range plan whose merit cannot be evaluated until sometime after those creating it have left the organization.35mstrategy, n.: A comprehensive plan of inaction.;4}Stone's Law: One man's 'simple' is another man's 'huh?'l3]Stock's Observation: You no sooner get your head above water but what someone pulls your flippers off.Z29Stenderup's Law: The sooner you fall behind, the more time you will have to catch up.s1kSteinbach's Guideline for Systems Programming: Never test for an error condition you don't know how to handle.0Steele's Plagiarism of Somebody's Philosophy: Everybody should believe in something -- I believe I'll have another drink. Qw v0Q[C;T-shirt of the Day: Head for the Mountains -- courtesy Anheuser-Busch beer Followup T-shirt of the Day (on the same scenic background): If you liked the mountains, head for the Busch! -- courtesy someone elseCB system-independent, adj.: Works equally poorly on all systems.FASwipple's Rule of Order: He who shouts the loudest has the floor.I@Sweater, n.: A garment worn by a child when its mother feels chilly.i?WSwahili, n.: The language used by the National Enquirer to print their retractions. -- Johnny Hart%>QSushido, n.: The way of the tuna.o=csushi, n.: When that-which-may-still-be-alive is put on top of rice and strapped on with electrical tape.2<isunset, n.: Pronounced atmospheric scattering of shorter wavelengths, resulting in selective transmission below 650 nanometers with progressively reducing solar elevation.6;sSUN Microsystems: The Network IS the Load Average. u<`/*L[teamwork, n.: Having someone to blame.FKTCP/IP Slang Glossary, #1: Gong, n: Medieval term for privy, or what pased for them in that era. Today used whimsically to describe the aftermath of a bogon attack. Think of our community as the Galapagos of the English language. 'Vogons may read you bad poetry, but bogons make you study obsolete RFCs.' -- Dave Mills.Jctaxidermist, n.: A man who mounts animals.\I=Taxes, n.: Of life's two certainties, the only one for which you can get an extension.$HOtax office, n.: Den of inequity.SG+take forceful action: Do something that should have been done a long time ago.6FsTact, n.: The unsaid part of what you're thinking.@ET-shirt: Life is *not* a Cabaret, and stop calling me chum!EDT-shirt Of The Day: I'm the person your mother warned you about. %;PATeutonic: Not enough gin.fOQtelepression, n.: The deep-seated guilt which stems from knowing that you did not try hard enough to look up the number on your own and instead put the burden on the directory assistant. -- 'Sniglets', Rich Hall & FriendsN=Telephone, n.: An invention of the devil which abrogates some of the advantages of making a disagreeable person keep his distance. -- Ambrose Bierce7MsTechnicality, n.: In an English court a man named Home was tried for slander in having accused a neighbor of murder. His exact words were: 'Sir Thomas Holt hath taken a cleaver and stricken his cook upon the head, so that one side of his head fell on one shoulder and the other side upon the other shoulder.' The defendant was acquitted by instruction of the court, the learned judges holding that the words did not charge murder, for they did not affirm the death of the cook, that being only an inference. -- Ambrose Bierce, 'The Devil's Dictionary' ByIVThe Consultant's Curse: When the customer has beaten upon you long enough, give him what he asks for, instead of what he needs. This is very strong medicine, and is normally only required once.RU)The Briggs-Chase Law of Program Development: To determine how long it will take to write and debug a program, take your best estimate, multiply that by two, add one, and convert to the next higher units.3TmThe Beatles: Paul McCartney's old back-up band.S#The Ancient Doctrine of Mind Over Matter: I don't mind... and you don't matter. -- As revealed to reporter G. Rivera by Swami HavabananaUR/The Abrams' Principle: The shortest distance between two points is off the wall.cQKThe 357.73 Theory: Auditors always reject expense accounts with a bottom line divisible by 5. Y8YYAThe First Rule of Program Optimization: Don't do it. The Second Rule of Program Optimization (for experts only!): Don't do it yet. -- Michael Jackson:X{The Fifth Rule: You have taken yourself too seriously.DW The distinction between Jewish and goyish can be quite subtle, as the following quote from Lenny Bruce illustrates: 'I'm Jewish. Count Basie's Jewish. Ray Charles is Jewish. Eddie Cantor's goyish. The B'nai Brith is goyish. The Hadassah is Jewish. Marine Corps -- heavy goyish, dangerous. 'Kool-Aid is goyish. All Drake's Cakes are goyish. Pumpernickel is Jewish and, as you know, white bread is very goyish. Instant potatoes -- goyish. Black cherry soda's very Jewish. Macaroons are ____very Jewish. Fruit salad is Jewish. Lime Jell-O is goyish. Lime soda is ____very goyish. Trailer parks are so goyish that Jews won't go near them ...' -- Arthur Naiman, 'Every Goy's Guide to Yiddish' @]The Gordian Maxim: If a string has one end, it has another.O\#The Golden Rule of Arts and Sciences: He who has the gold makes the rules.P[%The Following Subsume All Physical and Human Laws: (1) You can't push on a string. (2) Ain't no free lunches. (3) Them as has, gets. (4) You can't win them all, but you sure as hell can lose them all. ZThe five rules of Socialism: (1) Don't think. (2) If you do think, don't speak. (3) If you think and speak, don't write. (4) If you think, speak and write, don't sign. (5) If you think, speak, write and sign, don't be surprised. -- being told in Poland, 1987 <#<raiThe Illiterati Programus Canto 1: A program is a lot like a nose: Sometimes it runs, and sometimes it blows.n`aThe history of warfare is similarly subdivided, although here the phases are Retribution, Anticipation, and Diplomacy. Thus: Retribution: I'm going to kill you because you killed my brother. Anticipation: I'm going to kill you because I killed your brother. Diplomacy: I'm going to kill my brother and then kill you on the pretext that your brother did it.a_GThe Heineken Uncertainty Principle: You can never be sure how many beers you had last night.u^oThe Great Bald Swamp Hedgehog: The Great Bald Swamp Hedgehog of Billericay displays, in courtship, his single prickle and does impressions of Holiday Inn desk clerks. Since this means him standing motionless for enormous periods of time he is often eaten in full display by The Great Bald Swamp Hedgehog Eater. -- Mike Harding, 'The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac' 7k-7gThe most dangerous organization in America today is: (a) The KKK (b) The American Nazi Party (c) The Delta Frequent Flyer Club-f_The Modelski Chain Rule: (1) Look intently at the problem for several minutes. Scratch your head at 20-30 second intervals. Try solving the problem on your Hewlett-Packard. (2) Failing this, look around at the class. Select a particularly bright-looking individual. (3) Procure a large chain. (4) Walk over to the selected student and threaten to beat him severely with the chain unless he gives you the answer to the problem. Generally, he will. It may also be a good idea to give him a sound thrashing anyway, just to show you mean business.9eyThe Marines: The few, the proud, the not very bright.;d}The Marines: The few, the proud, the dead on the beach.[c;The Law of the Letter: The best way to inspire fresh thoughts is to seal the envelope.4boThe Kennedy Constant: Don't get mad -- get even. ];]j;The Official MBA Handbook on the use of sunlamps: Use a sunlamp only on weekends. That way, if the office wise guy remarks on the sudden appearance of your tan, you can fabricate some story about a sun-stroked weekend at some island Shangri-La like Caneel Bay. Nothing is more transparent than leaving the office at 11:45 on a Tuesday night, only to return an Aztec sun god at 8:15 the next morning.;i{The Official MBA Handbook on doing company business on an airplane: Do not work openly on top-secret company cost documents unless you have previously ascertained that the passenger next to you is blind, a rock musician on mood-ameliorating drugs, or the unfortunate possessor of a forty-seventh chromosome.AhThe Official MBA Handbook on business cards: Avoid overly pretentious job titles such as 'Lord of the Realm, Defender of the Faith, Emperor of India' or 'Director of Corporate Planning.' _hnUThe Roman Rule: The one who says it cannot be done should never interrupt the one who is doing it.Ym7The real man's Bloody Mary: Ingredients: vodka, tomato juice, Tobasco, Worcestershire sauce, A-1 steak sauce, ice, salt, pepper, celery. Fill a large tumbler with vodka. Throw all the other ingredients away.Pl%The qotc (quote of the con) was Liz's: 'My brain is paged out to my liver.'KkThe Phone Booth Rule: A lone dime always gets the number nearly right.  x hpUThe Second Law of Thermodynamics: If you think things are in a mess now, just wait! -- Jim Warnero The rules: (1) Thou shalt not worship other computer systems. (2) Thou shalt not impersonate Liberace or eat watermelon while sitting at the console keyboard. (3) Thou shalt not slap users on the face, nor staple their silly little card decks together. (4) Thou shalt not get physically involved with the computer system, especially if you're already married. (5) Thou shalt not use magnetic tapes as frisbees, nor use a disk pack as a stool to reach another disk pack. (6) Thou shalt not stare at the blinking lights for more than one eight hour shift. (7) Thou shalt not tell users that you accidentally destroyed their files/backup just to see the look on their little faces. (8) Thou shalt not enjoy cancelling a job. (9) Thou shalt not display firearms in the computer room. (10) Thou shalt not push buttons 'just to see what happens'. >wvtqThe three biggest software lies: (1) *Of course* we'll give you a copy of the source. (2) *Of course* the third party vendor we bought that from will fix the microcode. (3) Beta test site? No, *of course* you're not a beta test site.3skThe Third Law of Photography: If you did manage to get any good shots, they will be ruined when someone inadvertently opens the darkroom door and all of the dark leaks out.Cr The Sixth Commandment of Frisbee: The greatest single aid to distance is for the disc to be going in a direction you did not want. (Goes the wrong way = Goes a long way.) -- Dan Roddick>qThe Seventh Commandments for Technicians: Work thou not on energized equipment, for if thou dost, thy fellow workers will surely buy beers for thy widow and console her in other ways. 6x!Theory of Selective Supervision: The one time in the day that you lean back and relax is the one time the boss walks through the office.wTheorem: All positive integers are equal. Proof: Sufficient to show that for any two positive integers, A and B, A = B. Further, it is sufficient to show that for all N > 0, if A and B (positive integers) satisfy (MAX(A, B) = N) then A = B. Proceed by induction: If N = 1, then A and B, being positive integers, must both be 1. So A = B. Assume that the theorem is true for some value k. Take A and B with MAX(A, B) = k+1. Then MAX((A-1), (B-1)) = k. And hence (A-1) = (B-1). Consequently, A = B. vTheorem: a cat has nine tails. Proof: No cat has eight tails. A cat has one tail more than no cat. Therefore, a cat has nine tails.FuThe three laws of thermodynamics: (1) You can't get anything without working for it. (2) The most you can accomplish by working is to break even. (3) You can only break even at absolute zero. sPotBs{{Tip of the Day: Never fry bacon in the nude. [Correction: always fry bacon in the nude; you'll learn not to burn it]N~!timesharing, n: An access method whereby one computer abuses many people./}eThyme's Law: Everything goes wrong at once.w|sThree rules for sounding like an expert: (1) Oversimplify your explanations to the point of uselessness. (2) Always point out second-order effects, but never point out when they can be ignored. (3) Come up with three rules of your own.R{)Those lovable Brits department: They also have trouble pronouncing `vitamin'.zThere are three ways to get something done: (1) Do it yourself. (2) Hire someone to do it for you. (3) Forbid your kids to do it.,y]theory, n.: System of ideas meant to explain something, chosen with a view to originality, controversialism, incomprehensibility, and how good it will look in print. GIP%transfer, n.: A promotion you receive on the condition that you leave town.[;Toni's Solution to a Guilt-Free Life: If you have to lie to someone, it's their fault.=toilet toup'ee, n.: Any shag carpet that causes the lid to become top-heavy, thus creating endless annoyance to male users. -- Rich Hall, 'Sniglets'Htoday, n.: A nice place to visit, but you can't stay here for long.jYTIPS FOR PERFORMERS: Playing cards have the top half upside-down to help cheaters. There are a finite number of jokes in the universe. Singing is a trick to get people to listen to music longer than they would ordinarily. There is no music in space. People will pay to watch people make sounds. Everything on stage should be larger than in real life. rU%rN !Tussman's Law: Nothing is as inevitable as a mistake whose time has come._ CTurnaucka's Law: The attention span of a computer is only as long as its electrical cord.R )Tsort's Constant: 1.67563, or precisely 1,237.98712567 times the difference between the distance to the sun and the weight of a small orange. -- Terry Pratchett, 'The Light Fantastic' (slightly modified)W3Truthful, adj.: Dumb and illiterate. -- Ambrose Bierce, 'The Devil's Dictionary'9y'Trust me': Translation of the Latin 'caveat emptor.'Mtravel, n.: Something that makes you feel like you're getting somewhere.;transparent, adj.: Being or pertaining to an existing, nontangible object. 'It's there, but you can't see it' -- IBM System/360 announcement, 1964. virtual, adj.: Being or pertaining to a tangible, nonexistent object. 'I can see it, but it's not there.' -- Lady Macbeth. lV7uunfair competition, n.: Selling cheaper than we do. Unfair animal names: -- tsetse fly -- bullhead -- booby -- duck-billed platypus -- sapsucker -- Clarence -- Gary LarsonB understand, v.: To reach a point, in your investigation of some subject, at which you cease to examine what is really present, and operate on the basis of your own internal model instead.FUnderlying Principle of Socio-Genetics: Superiority is recessive.|}Uncle Ed's Rule of Thumb: Never use your thumb for a rule. You'll either hit it with a hammer or get a splinter in it.e OUdall's Fourth Law: Any change or reform you make is going to have consequences you don't like.( UU.S. of A.: 'Don't speak to the bus driver.' Germany: 'It is strictly forbidden for passengers to speak to the driver.' England: 'You are requested to refrain from speaking to the driver.' Scotland: 'What have you got to gain by speaking to the driver?' Italy: 'Don't answer the driver.' <s<<=vacation, n.: A two-week binge of rest and relaxation so intense that it takes another 50 weeks of your restrained workaday life-style to recuperate.]?user, n.: The word computer professionals use when they mean 'idiot.' -- Dave Barry, 'Claw Your Way to the Top' [I always thought 'computer professional' was the phrase hackers used when they meant 'idiot.' Ed.]B User n.: A programmer who will believe anything you tell him.7uuntold wealth, n.: What you left out on April 15th.4oUnnamed Law: If it happens, it must be possible.CUniversity, n.: Like a software house, except the software's free, and it's usable, and it works, and if it breaks they'll quickly tell you how to fix it, and ... [Okay, okay, I'll leave it in, but I think you're destroying the credibility of the entire fortune program. Ed.]CUniverse, n.: The problem.Funion, n.: A dues-paying club workers wield to strike management. 8b3kVelilind's Laws of Experimentation: (1) If reproducibility may be a problem, conduct the test only once. (2) If a straight line fit is required, obtain only two data points.3kVanilla, adj.: Ordinary flavor, standard. See FLAVOR. When used of food, very often does not mean that the food is flavored with vanilla extract! For example, 'vanilla-flavored won ton soup' (or simply 'vanilla won ton soup') means ordinary won ton soup, as opposed to hot and sour won ton soup.;Van Roy's Law: Honesty is the best policy - there's less competition. Van Roy's Truism: Life is a whole series of circumstances beyond your control.IVan Roy's Law: An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys.ywVail's Second Axiom: The amount of work to be done increases in proportion to the amount of work already completed. |H )|)%WWalters' Rule: All airline flights depart from the gates most distant from the center of the terminal. Nobody ever had a reservation on a plane that left Gate 1.T$-vuja de: The feeling that you've *never*, *ever* been in this situation before.Z#9Volley Theory: It is better to have lobbed and lost than never to have lobbed at all.)"Yvolcano, n.: A mountain with hiccups.6Whitehead's Law: The obvious answer is always overlooked.K5White's Statement: Don't lose heart! Owen's Commentary on White's Statement: ...they might want to cut it out... Byrd's Addition to Owen's Commentary: ...and they want to avoid a lengthy search.atements in the negative form. Verbs have to agree with their subjects. Proofread carefully to see if you words out. If you reread your work, you can find on rereading a great deal of repetition can be avoided by rereading and editing. A writer must not shift your point of view. And don't start a sentence with a conjunction. (Remember, too, a preposition is a terrible word to end a sentence with.) Don't overuse exclamation marks!! Place pronouns as close as possible, especially in long sentences, as of 10 or more words, to their antecedents. Writing carefully, dangling participles must be avoided. If any word is improper at the end of a sentence, a linking verb is. Take the bull by the hand and avoid mixing metaphors. Avoid trendy locutions that sound flaky. Everyone should be careful to use a singular pronoun with singular nouns in their writing. Always pick on the correct idiom. The adverb always follows the verb. Last but not least, avoid cliches like the plague; seek viable alternatives. Ae&ARB)Work Rule: Leave of Absence (for an Operation): We are no longer allowing this practice. We wish to discourage any thoughts that you may not need all of whatever you have, and you should not consider having anything removed. We hired you as you are, and to have anything removed would certainly make you less than we bargained for. AWoolsey-Swanson Rule: People would rather live with a problem they cannot solve rather than accept a solution they cannot understand.<@Woodward's Law: A theory is better than its explanation.g?SWombat's Laws of Computer Selection: (1) If it doesn't run Unix, forget it. (2) Any computer design over 10 years old is obsolete. (3) Anything made by IBM is junk. (See number 2) (4) The minimum acceptable CPU power for a single user is a VAX/780 with a floating point accelerator. (5) Any computer with a mouse is worthless. -- Rich Kulawiec->awolf, n.: A man who knows all the ankles. 0e|G}Worst Vegetable of the Year: The brussels sprout. This is also the worst vegetable of next year. -- Steve RubensteinGFWorst Response To A Crisis, 1985: From a readers' Q and A column in TV GUIDE: 'If we get involved in a nuclear war, would the electromagnetic pulses from exploding bombs damage my videotapes?'iEWWorst Month of the Year: February. February has only 28 days in it, which means that if you rent an apartment, you are paying for three full days you don't get. Try to avoid Februarys whenever possible. -- Steve RubensteinuDoWorst Month of 1981 for Downhill Skiing: August. The lift lines are the shortest, though. -- Steve RubensteinhCUwork, n.: The blessed respite from screaming kids and soap operas for which you actually get paid. ZM9yo-yo, n.: Something that is occasionally up but normally down. (see also Computer).wLsYinkel, n.: A person who combs his hair over his bald spot, hoping no one will notice. -- Rich Hall, 'Sniglets'vKqYear, n.: A period of three hundred and sixty-five disappointments. -- Ambrose Bierce, 'The Devil's Dictionary'.JaXIIdigitation, n.: The practice of trying to determine the year a movie was made by deciphering the Roman numerals at the end of the credits. -- Rich Hall, 'Sniglets'*I[WYSIWYG: What You See Is What You Get. Hwrite-protect tab, n.: A small sticker created to cover the unsightly notch carelessly left by disk manufacturers. The use of the tab creates an error message once in a while, but its aesthetic value far outweighs the momentary inconvenience. -- Robb Russon C@T>CwSsMcJob: A low-pay, low-prestige, low-benefit, no-future job in the service sector. Frequently considered a satisfying career choice by those who have never held one. -- Douglas Coupland, 'Generation X: Tales for an Accelerated Culture'R)Obscurism: The practice of peppering daily life with obscure references as a subliminal means of showcasing both one's education and one's wish to disassociate from the world of mass culture. -- Douglas Coupland, 'Generation X: Tales for an Accelerated Culture'^QAZymurgy's Law of Volunteer Labor: People are always available for work in the past tense.EPZero Defects, n.: The result of shutting down a production line.@Ozeal, n.: Quality seen in new graduates -- if you're quick. Recreational Slumming: The practice of participating in recreational activities of a class one perceives as lower than one's own: 'Karen! Donald! Let's go bowling tonight! And don't worry about shoes ... apparently you can rent them.' -- Douglas Coupland, 'Generation X: Tales for an Accelerated Culture' P\PNutritional Slumming: Food whose enjoyment stems not from flavor but from a complex mixture of class connotations, nostalgia signals, and packaging semiotics: Katie and I bought this tub of Multi-Whip instead of real whip cream because we thought petroleum distillate whip topping seemed like the sort of food that air force wives stationed in Pensacola back in the early sixties would feed their husbands to celebrate a career promotion. -- Douglas Coupland, 'Generation X: Tales for an Accelerated Culture' EAnti-Victim Device: A small fashion accessory worn on an otherwise conservative outfit which announces to the world that one still has a spark of individuality burning inside: 1940s retro ties and earrings (on men), feminist buttons, noserings (women), and the now almost completely extinct teeny weeny 'rattail' haircut (both sexes). -- Douglas Coupland, 'Generation X: Tales for an Accelerated Culture' W|}Me-ism: A search by an individual, in the absence of training in traditional religious tenets, to formulate a personally tailored religion by himself. Most frequently a mishmash of reincarnation, personal dialogue with a nebulously defined god figure, naturalism, and karmic eye-for-eye attitudes. -- Douglas Coupland, 'Generation X: Tales for an Accelerated Culture'7sQFM: Quelle fashion mistake. 'It was really QFM. I mean painter pants? That's 1979 beyond belief.' -- Douglas Coupland, 'Generation X: Tales for an Accelerated Culture'B QFD: Quelle fucking drag. 'Jamie got stuck at Rome airport for thirty-six hours and it was, like, totally QFD.' -- Douglas Coupland, 'Generation X: Tales for an Accelerated Culture'_CTele-Parabilizing: Morals used in everyday life that derive from TV sitcom plots: 'That's just like the episode where Jan loses her glasses!' -- Douglas Coupland, 'Generation X: Tales for an Accelerated Culture' >>;{Black Holes: An X generation subgroup best known for their possession of almost entirely black wardrobes. -- Douglas Coupland, 'Generation X: Tales for an Accelerated Culture'~Bradyism: A multisibling sensibility derived from having grown up in large families. A rarity in those born after approximately 1965, symptoms of Bradyism include a facility for mind games, emotional withdrawal in situations of overcrowding, and a deeply felt need for a well-defined personal space. -- Douglas Coupland, 'Generation X: Tales for an Accelerated Culture'~Paper Rabies: Hypersensitivity to littering. -- Douglas Coupland, 'Generation X: Tales for an Accelerated Culture' >Strangelove Reproduction: Having children to make up for the fact that one no longer believes in the future. -- Douglas Coupland, 'Generation X: Tales for an Accelerated Culture';{Black Dens: Where Black Holes live; often unheated warehouses with Day-Glo spray painting, mutilated mannequins, Elvis references, dozens of overflowing ashtrays, mirror sculptures, and Velvet Underground music playing in background. -- Douglas Coupland, 'Generation X: Tales for an Accelerated Culture' RAPull-the-Plug, Slice the Pie: A fantasy in which an offspring mentally tallies up the net worth of his parents. -- Douglas Coupland, 'Generation X: Tales for an Accelerated Culture'%OPoverty Lurks: Financial paranoia instilled in offspring by depression-era parents. -- Douglas Coupland, 'Generation X: Tales for an Accelerated Culture'Squires: The most common X generation subgroup and the only subgroup given to breeding. Squires exist almost exclusively in couples and are recognizable by their frantic attempts to create a semblance of Eisenhower-era plenitude in their daily lives in the face of exorbitant housing prices and two-job life-styles. Squires tend to be continually exhausted from their voraciously acquisitive pursuit of furniture and knickknacks. -- Douglas Coupland, 'Generation X: Tales for an Accelerated Culture' E8?Option Paralysis: The tendency, when given unlimited choices, to make none. -- Douglas Coupland, 'Generation X: Tales for an Accelerated Culture' 2 + 2 = 5-ism: Caving in to a target marketing strategy aimed at oneself after holding out for a long period of time. 'Oh, all right, I'll buy your stupid cola. Now leave me alone.' -- Douglas Coupland, 'Generation X: Tales for an Accelerated Culture'7sUnderdogging: The tendency to almost invariably side with the underdog in a given situation. The consumer expression of this trait is the purchasing of less successful, 'sad,' or failing products: 'I know these Vienna franks are heart failure on a stick, but they were so sad looking up against all the other yuppie food items that I just had to buy them.' -- Douglas Coupland, 'Generation X: Tales for an Accelerated Culture' {x"uDown-Nesting: The tendency of parents to move to smaller, guest-room-free houses after the children have moved away so as to avoid children aged 20 to 30 who have boomeranged home. -- Douglas Coupland, 'Generation X: Tales for an Accelerated5!oJack-and-Jill Party: A Squire tradition; baby showers to which both men and women friends are invited as opposed to only women. Doubled purchasing power of bisexual attendance brings gift values up to Eisenhower-era standards. -- Douglas Coupland, 'Generation X: Tales for an Accelerated Culture'H Personality Tithe: A price paid for becoming a couple; previously amusing human beings become boring: 'Thanks for inviting us, but Noreen and I are going to look at flatware catalogs tonight. Afterward we're going to watch the shopping channel.' -- Douglas Coupland, 'Generation X: Tales for an Accelerated Culture'}#u{uoic]WQKE?93-'! ysmga[UOIC=71+% }wqke_YSMGA;5/)#l]A billion seconds ago Ht:s7r5q3p/o.n+m&lkji gf~eydtcib^`Y_Q]I\B[?Z9Y3X+V&U%T"SRQPN ML|K{JyIwHrGlFkEhDaCYBS@I?A>?=><7;/:%987 654}3|1u0q/k.g-d,Z+V*S)R(F'D&=%7$3#,")!$ !|wnf_XRPOMFD@ 9 3 . ) $ vsne[SKB?;5-& )\y)qgA candidate is a person who gets money from the rich and votes from the poor to protect them from each other.gSA bureaucrat's idea of cleaning up his files is to make a copy of everything before he destroys it.l]A billion seconds ago Harry Truman was president. A billion minutes ago was just after the time of Christ. A billion hours ago man had not yet walked on earth. A billion dollars ago was late yesterday afternoon at the U.S. Treasury. A billion here, a billion there -- pretty soon it adds up to real money. -- Sen. Everett Dirksen, on the U.S. defense budgetCA 'No' uttered from deepest conviction is better and greater than a 'Yes' merely uttered to please, or what is worse, to avoid trouble. -- Mahatma Gandhi?1st graffitiist: QUESTION AUTHORITY! 2nd graffitiist: Why?!G$100 invested at 7% interest for 100 years will become $100,000, at which time it will be worth absolutely nothing. -- Lazarus Long, 'Time Enough for Love' &k-b&tmA government that is big enough to give you all you want is big enough to take it all away. -- Barry GoldwaterriA general leading the State Department resembles a dragon commanding ducks. -- New York Times, Jan. 20, 1981P%A free society is one where it is safe to be unpopular. -- Adlai Stevensonc KA fanatic is one who can't change his mind and won't change the subject. -- Winston Churchilld MA diplomat's life consists of three things: protocol, Geritol, and alcohol. -- Adlai Stevenson 9A diplomat is a person who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you actually look forward to the trip. -- Caskie Stinnett, 'Out of the Red'Q 'A diplomat is a man who can convince his wife she'd look stout in a fur coat.L A Difficulty for Every Solution. -- Motto of the Federal Civil Service)A citizen of America will cross the ocean to fight for democracy, but won't cross the street to vote in a national election. -- Bill Vaughan D|D vR1iA penny saved kills your career in government."KA penny saved is a penny taxed.)YA nuclear war can ruin your whole day.gSA national debt, if it is not excessive, will be to us a national blessing. -- Alexander Hamilton8wA long memory is the most subversive idea in America.6sA lack of leadership is no substitute for inaction.EA group of politicians deciding to dump a President because his morals are bad is like the Mafia getting together to bump off the Godfather for not going to church on Sunday. -- Russell BakerY7A great nation is any mob of people which produces at least one honest man a century._CA great empire, like a great cake, is most easily diminished at the edges. -- B. Franklin jItmA real diplomat is one who can cut his neighbor's throat without having his neighbour notice it. -- Trygve Lie<}A public debt is a kind of anchor in the storm; but if the anchor be too heavy for the vessel, she will be sunk by that very weight which was intended for her preservation. -- Colton A prisoner of war is a man who tries to kill you and fails, and then asks you not to kill him. -- Sir Winston Churchill, 19525A political man can have as his aim the realization of freedom, but he has no means to realize it other than through violence. -- Jean Paul Sartre+A people living under the perpetual menace of war and invasion is very easy to govern. It demands no social reforms. It does not haggle over expenditures on armaments and military equipment. It pays without discussion, it ruins itself, and that is an excellent thing for the syndicates of financiers and manufacturers for whom patriotic terrors are an abundant source of gain. -- Anatole France >\bJ&'After I asked him what he meant, he replied that freedom consisted of the unimpeded right to get rich, to use his ability, no matter what the cost to others, to win advancement.' -- Norman ThomasD% Abraham Lincoln didn't die in vain. He died in Washington, D.C.k$[A strong conviction that something must be done is the parent of many bad measures. -- Daniel WebsterE#A straw vote only shows which way the hot air blows. -- O'HenryT"-A statesman is a politician who's been dead 10 or 15 years. -- Harry S. Truman !A sect or party is an elegant incognito devised to save a man from the vexation of thinking. -- Ralph Waldo Emerson, Journals, 1831` EA right is not what someone gives you; it's what no one can take from you. -- Ramsey Clark^AA real patriot is the fellow who gets a parking ticket and rejoices that the system works. nn-zn3-mAll kings is mostly rapscallions. --Mark TwainK,All diplomacy is a continuation of war by other means. -- Chou En Lai+All bad precedents began as justifiable measures. -- Gaius Julius Caesar, quoted in 'The Conspiracy of Catiline', by Sallust*%All [zoos] actually offer to the public in return for the taxes spent upon them is a form of idle and witless amusement, compared to which a visit to a penitentiary, or even to a State legislature in session, is informing, stimulating and ennobling. -- H. L. Mencken)?Alexander Hamilton started the U.S. Treasury with nothing - and that was the closest our country has ever been to being even. -- The Best of Will Rogers?(Alea iacta est. [The die is cast] -- Gaius Julius Caesar'#Airplanes are interesting toys but of no military value. -- Marechal Ferdinand Foch, Professor of Strategy, Ecole Superieure de Guerre N<N5 An ambassador is an honest man sent abroad to lie and intrigue for the benefit of his country. -- Sir Henry Wotton, 1568-1639)4YAmerica: born free and taxed to death.3America may be unique in being a country which has leapt from barbarism to decadence without touching civilization. -- John O'Haraq2gAmerica is the country where you buy a lifetime supply of aspirin for one dollar, and use it up in two weeks.81uAll wars are civil wars, because all men are brothers ... Each one owes infinitely more to the human race than to the particular country in which he was born. -- Francois Fenelon0All the taxes paid over a lifetime by the average American are spent by the government in less than a second. -- Jim FiebigT/-All people are born alike -- except Republicans and Democrats. -- Groucho Marxl.]All other things being equal, a bald man cannot be elected President of the United States. -- Vic Gold  G ~;And they shall beat their swords into plowshares, for if you hit a man with a plowshare, he's going to know he's been hit.X:5'...and the fully armed nuclear warheads, are, of course, merely a courtesy detail.'^9AAnarchy may not be a better form of government, but it's better than no government at all.K8An honest politician is one who when he is bought will stay bought. -- Simon Cameron There are honest journalists like there are honest politicians. When bought they stay bought. -- Bill Moyers{7{An efficient and a successful administration manifests itself equally in small as in great matters. -- W. Churchilll6]An American's a person who isn't afraid to criticize the president but is always polite to traffic cops. (-?aAny excuse will serve a tyrant. -- AesopI>Another such victory over the Romans, and we are undone. -- Pyrrhus =Andrea: Unhappy the land that has no heroes. Galileo: No, unhappy the land that _____needs heroes. -- Bertolt Brecht, 'Life of Galileo'E<And yet, seasons must be taken with a grain of salt, for they too have a sense of humor, as does history. Corn stalks comedy, comedy stalks tragedy, and this too is historic. And yet, still, when corn meets tragedy face to face, we have politics. -- Dalglish, Larsen and Sutherland, 'Root Crops and Ground Cover' X(BUAnyone who is capable of getting themselves made President should on no account be allowed to do the job. -- Douglas Adams, 'The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy'"AIAnybody that wants the presidency so much that he'll spend two years organising and campaigning for it is not to be trusted with the office. -- David Broder@ 'Any news from the President on a successor?' he asked hopefully. 'None,' Anita replied. 'She's having great difficulty finding someone qualified who is willing to accept the post.' 'Then I stay,' said Dr. Fresh. 'I'm not good for much, but I can at least make a decision.' 'Somewhere,' he grumphed, 'there must be a naive, opportunistic young welp with a masochistic streak who would like to run the most up-and-down bureaucracy in the history of mankind.' -- R.L. Forward, 'Flight of the Dragonfly' $Qb9B$,K]Canada Post doesn't really charge 32 cents for a stamp. It's 2 cents for postage and 30 cents for storage. -- Gerald Regan, Cabinet Minister, 12/31/83 Financial PostmJ_'Cable is not a luxury, since many areas have poor TV reception.' -- The mayor of Tucson, Arizona, 1989I9C'est magnifique, mais ce n'est pas la guerre! [It is magnificent, but it is not war] -- Pierre Bosquet, witnessing the charge of the Light BrigadeXH5Blessed are the young, for they shall inherit the national debt. -- Herbert Hoover'GUBedfellows make strange politicians.gFSBe it our wealth, our jobs, or even our homes; nothing is safe while the legislature is in session.:E{Ban the bomb. Save the world for conventional warfare.HDAudacity, and again, audacity, and always audacity. -- G.J. Danton,C]As long as war is regarded as wicked, it will always have its fascination. When it is looked upon as vulgar, it will cease to be popular. -- Oscar Wilde, 'Intentions' EE\S=Democracy becomes a government of bullies, tempered by editors. -- Ralph Waldo EmersonRR)Demand the establishment of the government in its rightful home at Disneyland.RQ)Cutting the space budget really restores my faith in humanity. It eliminates dreams, goals, and ideals and lets us get straight to the business of hate, debauchery, and self-annihilation.' -- Johnny HartEPCrime does not pay ... as well as politics. -- Alfred E. NewmanO/Corruption is not the #1 priority of the Police Commissioner. His job is to enforce the law and fight crime. -- P.B.A. President E. J. Kiernan5NqConquering Russia should be done steppe by steppe.FMConcerning the war in Vietnam, Senator George Aiken of Vermount noted in January, 1966, 'I'm not very keen for doves or hawks. I think we need more owls.' -- Bill Adler, 'The Washington Wits'SL+Census Taker to Housewife: Did you ever have the measles, and, if so, how many? Pe 7P[Democracy is the recurrent suspicion that more than half of the people are right more than half of the time. -- E. B. WhiteaZGDemocracy is the name we give the people whenever we need them. -- Arman de Caillavet, 1913YY7Democracy is good. I say this because other systems are worse. -- Jawaharlal NehruxXuDemocracy is a process by which the people are free to choose the man who will get the blame. -- Laurence J. PeterWW3Democracy is a government where you can say what you think even if you don't think. VDemocracy is a form of government that substitutes election by the incompetent many for appointment by the corrupt few. -- G.B. ShawU9Democracy is a form of government in which it is permitted to wonder aloud what the country could do under first-class management. -- Senator SoaperoTcDemocracy is a device that insures we shall be governed no better than we deserve. -- George Bernard Shaw 7t Io76esDon't mind him; politicians always sound like that.>dDon't be humble ... you're not that great. -- Golda MeirDc Disclose classified information only when a NEED TO KNOW exists.Rb)Diplomacy is to do and say, the nastiest thing in the nicest way. -- Balfour\a=Diplomacy is the art of saying 'nice doggie' until you can find a rock. -- Wynn Catlin[`;Diplomacy is the art of letting the other party have things your way. -- Daniele Vare_Diplomacy is about surviving until the next century. Politics is about surviving until Friday afternoon. -- Sir Humphrey Appleby{^{Demographic polls show that you have lost credibility across the board. Especially with those 14 year-old Valley girls.g]SDemocracy means simply the bludgeoning of the people by the people for the people. -- Oscar Wilde \Democracy is the worst form of government except all those other forms that have been tried from time to time. -- Winston Churchill =%Z=KnEver wonder if taxation without representation might have been cheaper?MmEven though they raised the rate for first class mail in the United States we really shouldn't complain -- it's still only two cents a day. [and getting better! Soon it'll be down to a penny a day!]0lgEach person has the right to take the subway.kEach person has the right to take part in the management of public affairs in his country, provided he has prior experience, a will to succeed, a university degree, influential parents, good looks, a curriculum vitae, two 3x4 snapshots, and a good tax record.bjIDue to a shortage of devoted followers, the production of great leaders has been discontinued.)iYDon't vote -- it only encourages them!mh_Don't talk to me about naval tradition. It's nothing but rum, sodomy and the lash. -- Winston Churchill|Freedom begins when you tell Mrs. Grundy to go fly a kite.X{5Free Speech Is The Right To Shout 'Theater' In A Crowded Fire. -- A Yippie Proverb\z=Fraud is the homage that force pays to reason. -- Charles Curtis, 'A Commonplace Book'eyOForgive him, for he believes that the customs of his tribe are the laws of nature! -- G.B. Shawx#For the first time we have a weapon that nobody has used for thirty years. This gives me great hope for the human race. -- Harlan EllisonwFirst rule of public speaking. First, tell 'em what you're goin' to tell 'em; then tell 'em; then tell 'em what you've tole 'em. G8!IGeorge Orwell was an optimist.EGeorge Orwell 1984. Northwestern 0. -- Chicago Reader 10/15/82;{Gentlemen, Whilst marching from Portugal to a position which commands the approach to Madrid and the French forces, my officers have been diligently complying with your requests which have been sent by H.M. ship from London to Lisbon and thence by dispatch to our headquarters. We have enumerated our saddles, bridles, tents and tent poles, and all manner of sundry items for which His Majesty's Government holds me accountable. I have dispatched reports on the character, wit, and spleen of every officer. Each item and every farthing has been accounted for, with two regrettable exceptions for which I beg your indulgence. Unfortunately the sum of one shilling and ninepence remains unaccounted5o'... gentlemen do not read each other's mail.' -- Secretary of State Henry Stimson, on closing down the Black Chamber, the precursor to the National Security Agency. for in one infantry battalion's petty cash and there has been a hideous confusion as the the number of jars of raspberry jam issued to one cavalry regiment during a sandstorm in western Spain. This reprehensible carelessness may be related to the pressure of circumstance, since we are war with France, a fact which may come as a bit of a surprise to you gentlemen in Whitehall. This brings me to my present purpose, which is to request elucidation of my instructions from His Majesty's Government so that I may better understand why I am dragging an army over these barren plains. I construe that perforce it must be one of two alternative duties, as given below. I shall pursue either one with the best of my ability, but I cannot do both: 1. To train an army of uniformed British clerks in Spain for the benefit of the accountants and copy-boys in London or perchance: 2. To see to it that the forces of Napoleon are driven out of Spain. -- Duke of Wellington, to the British Foreign Office, London, 1812 ZmRZ< Good leaders being scarce, following yourself is allowed.H Good government never depends upon laws, but upon the personal qualities of those who govern. The machinery of government is always subordinate to the will of those who administer that machinery. The most important element of government, therefore, is the method of choosing leaders. -- Frank Herbert, 'Children of Dune'j YGod shows his contempt for wealth by the kind of person he selects to receive it. -- Austin O'MalleypeGiving money and power to governments is like giving whiskey and car keys to teenage boys. -- P.J. O'Rourke@'Give me enough medals, and I'll win any war.' -- NapoleonbIGive all orders verbally. Never write anything down that might go into a 'Pearl Harbor File'.#George Washington was first in war, first in peace -- and the first to have his birthday juggled to make a long weekend. -- Ashley Cooper kX2iGovernment spending? I don't know what it's all about. I don't know any more about this thing than an economist does, and, God knows, he doesn't know much. -- Will RogersT-Government lies, and newspapers lie, but in a democracy they are different lies.^AGovernment [is] an illusion the governed should not encourage. -- John Updike, 'Couples'X 5Govern a great nation as you would cook a small fish. Don't overdo it. -- Lao Tsu 'Got a complaint about the Internal Revenue Service? Call the convenient toll-free 'IRS Taxpayer Complaint Hot Line Number': 1-800-AUDITME 775Great Moments in History: #3 August 27, 1949: A Hall of Fame opened to honor outstanding members of the Women's Air Corp. It was a WAC's Museum.)W Graduating seniors, parents and friends... Let me begin by reassuring you that my remarks today will stand up to the most stringent requirements of the new appropriateness. The intra-college sensitivity advisory committee has vetted the text of even trace amounts of subconscious racism, sexism and classism. Moreover, a faculty panel of deconstructionists have reconfigured the rhetorical components within a post-structuralist framework, so as to expunge any offensive elements of western rationalism and linear logic. Finally, all references flowing from a white, male, eurocentric perspective have been eliminated, as have any other ruminations deemed denigrating to the political consensus of the moment. Thank you and good luck. -- Doonesbury, the University Chancellor's graduation speech. CUC|}Has the great art and mystery of politics no apparent utility? Does it appear to be unqualifiedly ratty, raffish, sordid, obscene and low down, and its salient virtuosi a gang of umitigated scoundrels? Then let us not forget its high capacity to soothe and tickel the midriff, its incomparable services as a maker of entertainment. -- H.L. Mencken, 'A Carnival of Buncombe'!Hark ye, Clinker, you are a most notorious offender. You stand convicted of sickness, hunger, wretchedness, and want. -- Tobias Smollet/eGrub first, then ethics. -- Bertolt Brechtuo Grover Cleveland, though constantly at loggerheads with the Senate, got on better with the House of Representatives. A popular story circulating during his presidency concerned the night he was roused by his wife crying, 'Wake up! I think there are burglars in the house.' 'No, no, my dear,' said the president sleepily, 'in the Senate maybe, but not in the House.' 0vu+<m0:{He's just a politician trying to save both his faces...B He who slings mud generally loses ground. -- Adlai StevensonHe who renders warfare fatal to all engaged in it will be the greatest benefactor the world has yet known. -- Sir Richard Burton He who attacks the fundamentals of the American broadcasting industry attacks democracy itself. -- William S. Paley, chairman of CBS^AHe thinks the Gettysburg Address is where Lincoln lived. -- Wanda, 'A Fish Called Wanda'GHe that would govern others, first should be the master of himself.:{He is the best of men who dislikes power. -- Mohammed@He didn't run for reelection. 'Politics brings you into contact with all the people you'd give anything to avoid,' he said. 'I'm staying home.' -- Garrison Keillor, 'Lake Wobegone Days'Have you noticed the way people's intelligence capabilities decline sharply the minute they start waving guns around? -- Dr. Who _n%q$gHistory is the version of past events that people have decided to agree on. -- Napoleon Bonaparte, 'Maxims'F#History is on our side (as long as we can control the historians). "EHistory has much to say on following the proper procedures. From a history of the Mexican revolution: 'Hidalgo was later defeated at Guadalajara. The rebel army was captured on its way through the mountains. All were courtmartialed and shot, except Hidalgo, because he was a priest. He was handed over to the bishop of Durango who excommunicated him and returned him to the army where he was then executed.'J!Here comes the orator, with his flood of words and his drop of reason. ?Hear me, my chiefs, I am tired; my heart is sick and sad. From where the sun now stands I Will Fight No More Forever. -- Chief Joseph of the Nez Perce `Kw`h)UI am a friend of the working man, and I would rather be his friend than be one. -- Clarence Darrow((UHow is the world ruled, and how do wars start? Diplomats tell lies to journalists, and they believe what they read. -- Karl Kraus, 'Aphorisms and More Aphorisms'U'/How can you govern a nation which has 246 kinds of cheese? -- Charles de Gaulley&wHistory teaches us that men and nations behave wisely once they have exhausted all other alternatives. -- Abba Eban1%gHistory shows that the human mind, fed by constant accessions of knowledge, periodically grows too large for its theoretical coverings, and bursts them asunder to appear in new habiliments, as the feeding and growing grub, at intervals, casts its too narrow skin and assumes another... Truly the imago state of Man seems to be terribly distant, but every moult is a step gained. -- Charles Darwin, from 'Origin of the Species' H@H_.C'I don't care who does the electing as long as I get to do the nominating.' -- Boss Tweedp-eI don't care how poor and inefficient a little country is; they like to run their own business. I know men that would make my wife a better husband than I am; but, darn it, I'm not going to give her to 'em. -- The Best of Will RogersS,+I can hire one half of the working class to kill the other half. -- Jay GouldI+I am not a politician and my other habits are also good. -- A. Ward<*}I am convinced that the truest act of courage is to sacrifice ourselves for others in a totally nonviolent struggle for justice. To be a man is to suffer for others. -- Cesar Chavez vlvT3-I found Rome a city of bricks and left it a city of marble. -- Augustus Caesar2;I find this corpse guilty of carrying a concealed weapon and I fine it $40. -- Judge Roy Bean, finding a pistol and $40 on a man he'd just shot..1aI DON'T THINK I'M ALONE when I say I'd like to see more and more planets fall under the ruthless domination of our solar system. -- Jack Handley, The New Mexican, 1988.y0wI don't mind what Congress does, as long as they don't do it in the streets and frighten the horses. -- Victor Hugob/II don't like the Dutchman. He's a crocodile. He's sneaky. I don't trust him. -- Jack 'Legs' Diamond, just before a peace conference with Dutch Schultz. I don't trust Legs. He's nuts. He gets excited and starts pulling a trigger like another guy wipes his nose. -- Dutch Schultz, just before a peace conference with 'Legs' Diamond. __+9[I have never understood this liking for war. It panders to instincts already catered for within the scope of any respectable domestic establishment. -- Alan Bennett8I have gained this by philosophy: that I do without being commanded what others do only from fear of the law. -- Aristotle}7I have discovered the art of deceiving diplomats. I tell them the truth and they never believe me. -- Camillo Di Cavour6I have always noticed that whenever a radical takes to Imperialism, he catches it in a very acute form. -- Winston Churchill, 1903s5kI have already given two cousins to the war and I stand ready to sacrifice my wife's brother. -- Artemus Wardh4UI have a dream. I have a dream that one day, on the red hills of Georgia, the sons of former slaves and the sons of former slaveowners will be able to sit down together at the table of brotherhood. -- Martin Luther King, Jr. dE@I never vote for anyone. I always vote against. -- W.C. Fields? I never deny, I never contradict. I sometimes forget. -- Benjamin Disraeli, British PM, on dealing with the Royal Family'>SI needed the good will of the legislature of four states. I formed the legislative bodies with my own money. I found that it was cheaper that way. -- Jay Gouldd=MI might have gone to West Point, but I was too proud to speak to a congressman. -- Will Rogers<!I like to believe that people in the long run are going to do more to promote peace than our governments. Indeed, I think that people want peace so much that one of these days governments had better get out of the way and let them have it. -- Dwight D. Eisenhower ;I know not with what weapons World War III will be fought, but World War IV will be fought with sticks and stones. -- Albert Einstein^:AI hold it, that a little rebellion, now and then, is a good thing... -- Thomas Jefferson >> DI prefer the most unjust peace to the most righteous war. -- Cicero Even peace may be purchased at too high a price. -- Poor RichardBC I pledge allegiance to the flag of the United States of America and to the republic for which it stands, one nation, indivisible, with liberty and justice for all. -- Francis Bellamy, 1892xBuI place economy among the first and most important virtues, and public debt as the greatest of dangers to be feared. To preserve our independence, we must not let our rulers load us with perpetual debt. If we run into such debts, we must be taxed in our meat and drink, in our necessities and in our comforts, in our labor and in our amusements. If we can prevent the government from wasting the labor of the people, under the pretense of caring for them, they will be happy. -- Thomas JeffersonlA]I owe the government $3400 in taxes. So I sent them two hammers and a toilet seat. -- Michael McShane R-F_I see a good deal of talk from Washington about lowering taxes. I hope they do get 'em lowered down enough so people can afford to pay 'em. -- The Best of Will Rogers*EYI realize that the MX missile is none of our concern. I realize that the whole point of living in a democracy is that we pay professional congresspersons to concern themselves with things like the MX missile so we can be free to concern ourselves with getting hold of the plumber. But from time to time, I feel I must address major public issues such as this, because in a free and open society, where the very future of the world hinges on decisions made by our elected leaders, you never win large cash journalism awards if you stick to the topics I usually write about, such as nose-picking. -- Dave Barry, 'At Last, the Ultimate Deterrent Against Political Fallout' DJaMGI use not only all the brains I have, but all those I can borrow as well. -- Woodrow WilsoncLKI try to keep an open mind, but not so open that my brains fall out. -- Judge Harold T. StoneUK/I try not to break the rules but merely to test their elasticity. -- Bill VeeckbJII trust the first lion he meets will do his duty. -- J.P. Morgan on Teddy Roosevelt's safari:I{I think the world is run by C students. -- Al McGuire:HyI steal. -- Sam Giancana, explaining his livelihood to his draft board Easy. I own Chicago. I own Miami. I own Las Vegas. -- Sam Giancana, when asked what he did for a livingzGyI see where we are starting to pay some attention to our neigbors to the south. We could never understand why Mexico wasn't just crazy about us; for we have always had their good will, and oil and minerals, at heart. -- The Best of Will Rogers I^OAI want to be the white man's brother, not his brother-in-law. -- Martin Luther King, Jr.3NkI used to be a rebel in my youth. This cause... that cause... (chuckle) I backed 'em ALL! But I learned. Rebellion is simply a device used by the immature to hide from his own problems. So I lost interest in politics. Now when I feel aroused by a civil rights case or a passport hearing... I realize it's just a device. I go to my analyst and we work it out. You have no idea how much better I feel these days. -- J. Feiffer !![P;I was appalled by this story of the destruction of a member of a valued endangered species. It's all very well to celebrate the practicality of pigs by ennobling the porcine sibling who constructed his home out of bricks and mortar. But to wantonly destroy a wolf, even one with an excessive taste for porkers, is unconscionable in these ecologically critical times when both man and his domestic beasts continue to maraud the earth. Sylvia Kamerman, 'Book Reviewing' 118RuI went to my mother and told her I intended to commence a different life. I asked for and obtained her blessing and at once commenced the career of a robber. -- Tiburcio VasquezQ#I was offered a job as a hoodlum and I turned it down cold. A thief is anybody who gets out and works for his living, like robbing a bank or breaking into a place and stealing stuff, or kidnapping somebody. He really gives some effort to it. A hoodlum is a pretty lousy sort of scum. He works for gangsters and bumps guys off when they have been put on the spot. Why, after I'd made my rep, some of the Chicago Syndicate wanted me to work for them as a hood -- you know, handling a machine gun. They offered me two hundred and fifty dollars a week and all the protection I needed. I was on the lam at the time and not able to work at my regular line. But I wouldn't consider it. 'I'm a thief,' I said. 'I'm no lousy hoodlum.' -- Alvin Karpis, 'Public Enemy Number One' d"~XI'd like to see the government get out of war altogether and leave the whole field to private industry. -- Joseph Heller WI would rather be a serf in a poor man's house and be above ground than reign among the dead. -- Achilles, 'The Odessey', XI, 489-91hVUI would much rather have men ask why I have no statue, than why I have one. -- Marcus Procius CatoUI would like to electrocute everyone who uses the word 'fair' in connection with income tax policies. -- William F. Buckley@TI would like the government to do all it can to mitigate, then, in understanding, in mutuality of interest, in concern for the common good, our tasks will be solved. -- Warren G. HardingS5I wish a robot would get elected president. That way, when he came to town, we could all take a shot at him and not feel too bad. -- Jack Handley gggI_I've always considered statesmen to be more expendable than soldiers.R^)'I'm willing to sacrifice anything for this cause, even other people's lives.' ]I'm proud to be paying taxes in the United States. The only thing is -- I could be just as proud for half the money. -- Arthur Godfrey;\}'I'm not stupid, I'm not expendable, and I'M NOT GOING!' [I'm going to Vietnam at the request of the White House. President Johnson says a war isn't really a war without my jokes. -- Bob Hope#ZK'I'll rob that rich person and give it to some poor deserving slob. That will *prove* I'm Robin Hood.' -- Daffy Duck, 'Robin Hood Daffy', [1958, Chuck Jones]nYa'I'll carry your books, I'll carry a tune, I'll carry on, carry over, carry forward, Cary Grant, cash & carry, Carry Me Back To Old Virginia, I'll even Hara Kari if you show me how, but I will *not* carry a gun.' -- Hawkeye, M*A*S*H 9GfIf Karl, instead of writing a lot about Capital, had made a lot of Capital, it would have been much better. -- Karl Marx's MotherbeIIf God wanted us to have a President, He would have sent us a candidate. -- Jerry Dreshfield^dAIf God had meant for us to be in the Army, we would have been born with green, baggy skin.bcIIf fifty million people say a foolish thing, it's still a foolish thing. -- Bertrand Russellb If everybody minded their own business, the world would go around a deal faster. -- The Duchess, 'Through the Looking Glass'iaWIf built in great numbers, motels will be used for nothing but illegal purposes. -- J. Edgar HooverC` If a nation values anything more than freedom, it will lose its freedom; and the irony of it is that if it is comfort or money it values more, it will lose that, too. -- W. Somerset Maugham e1DeVn1If the rich could pay the poor to die for them, what a living the poor could make!m 'If the King's English was good enough for Jesus, it's good enough for me!' -- 'Ma' Ferguson, Governor of Texas (circa 1920)dlMIf the government doesn't trust the people, why doesn't it dissolve them and elect a new people?k If the American dream is for Americans only, it will remain our dream and never be our destiny. -- Ren'e de Visme WilliamsonRj)If society fits you comfortably enough, you call it freedom. -- Robert FrostDi If pro is the opposite of con, what is the opposite of progress?1hgIf people have to choose between freedom and sandwiches, they will take sandwiches. -- Lord Boyd-orr Eats first, morals after. -- Bertolt Brecht, 'The Threepenny Opera'{g{If Patrick Henry thought that taxation without representation was bad, he should see how bad it is with representation. =P/=xwuIf you give Congress a chance to vote on both sides of an issue, it will always do it. -- Les Aspin, D., Wisconsintvm'If you ever want to get anywhere in politics, my boy, you're going to have to get a toehold in the public eye.'duMIf you don't strike oil in twenty minutes, stop boring. -- Andrew Carnegie, on public speaking7tuIf we won't stand together, we don't stand a chance.}sIf we suffer tamely a lawless attack upon our liberty, we encourage it, and involve others in our doom. -- Samuel AdamspreIf we can ever make red tape nutritional, we can feed the world. -- R. Schaeberle, 'Management Accounting'?qIf we all work together, we can totally disrupt the system.xpuIf voting could change the system, it would be illegal. If not voting could change the system, it would be illegal.}oIf they were so inclined, they could impeach him because they don't like his necktie. -- Attorney General William Saxbe -}N|!If you want to understand your government, don't begin by reading the Constitution. It conveys precious little of the flavor of today's statecraft. Instead, read selected portions of the Washington telephone directory containing listings for all the organizations with titles beginning with the word 'National.' -- George Will{5If you took all of the grains of sand in the world, and lined them up end to end in a row, you'd be working for the government! -- Mr. Interesting,z]If you make any money, the government shoves you in the creek once a year with it in your pockets, and all that don't get wet you can keep. -- The Best of Will RogersVy1If you live in a country run by committee, be on the committee. -- Graham SummerwxsIf you go on with this nuclear arms race, all you are going to do is make the rubble bounce. -- Winston Churchill J%tJhUIn case of atomic attack, the federal ruling against prayer in schools will be temporarily canceled.C In an orderly world, there's always a place for the disorderly.vqIn America, any boy may become president and I suppose that's just one of the risks he takes. -- Adlai StevensonAImmigration is the sincerest form of flattery. -- Jack PaarU/Imbalance of power corrupts and monopoly of power corrupts absolutely. -- Genji$MIllegal aliens have always been a problem in the United States. Ask any Indian. -- Robert Orben Immigration is the sincerest form of flattery. -- Jack Paarj~YIf your hands are clean and your cause is just and your demands are reasonable, at least it's a start.W}3If you wants to get elected president, you'se got to think up some memoraboble homily so's school kids can be pestered into memorizin' it, even if they don't know what it means. -- Walt Kelly, 'The Pogo Party' e6eMIn Germany they first came for the Communists and I didn't speak up because I wasn't a Communist. Then they came for the Jews, and I didn't speak up because I wasn't a Jew. Then they came for the trade unionists, and I didn't speak up because I wasn't a trade unionist. Then they came for the Catholics, and I didn't speak up because I was a Protestant. Then they came for me -- and by that time no one was left to speak up. -- Pastor Martin Niemollerm_In fiction the recourse of the powerless is murder; in life the recourse of the powerless is petty theft.xuIn Dr. Johnson's famous dictionary patriotism is defined as the last resort of the scoundrel. With all due respect to an enlightened but inferior lexicographer I beg to submit that it is the first. -- Ambrose Bierce, 'The Devil's Dictionary'[;In defeat, unbeatable; in victory, unbearable. -- W. Churchill, on General Montgomery YV4oIn war, truth is the first casualty. -- U Thant?In war it is not men, but the man who counts. -- Napoleonm _In those days he was wiser than he is now -- he used to frequently take my advice. -- Winston ChurchillN !In the Halls of Justice the only justice is in the halls. -- Lenny Brucer iIn Pierre Trudeau, Canada has finally produced a Prime Minister worthy of assassination. -- John DiefenbakerP %In our civilization, and under our republican form of government, intelligence is so highly honored that it is rewarded by exemption from the cares of office. -- Ambrose Bierce, 'The Devil's Dictionary'Z 9In Italy, for thirty years under the Borgias, they had warfare, terror, murder, and bloodshed, but they produced Michaelangelo, Leonardo da Vinci and the Renaissance. In Switzerland, they had brotherly love, they had five hundred years of democracy and peace -- and what did they produce? The cuckoo-clock. -- Orson Welles, 'The Third Man' V% AqV3Interesting poll results reported in today's New York Post: people on the street in midtown Manhattan were asked whether they approved of the US invasion of Grenada. Fifty-three percent said yes; 39 percent said no; and 8 percent said 'Gimme a quarter?' -- David LettermanV1Injustice anywhere is a threat to justice everywhere. -- Martin Luther King, Jr.tm Inheritance taxes are getting so out of line, that the deceased family often doesn't have a legacy to stand on.JInform all the troops that communications have completely broken down.ywIndomitable in retreat; invincible in advance; insufferable in victory. -- Winston Churchill, on General Montgomery7Individualists unite!W3... indifference is a militant thing ... when it goes away it leaves smoking ruins, where lie citizens bayonetted through the throat. It is not a children's pastime like mere highway robbery. -- Stephen Crane J8N!It is difficult to legislate morality in the absence of moral legislators.m_It is better to wear chains than to believe you are free, and weight yourself down with invisible chains.@It is better to die on your feet than to live on your knees.\=It got to the point where I had to get a haircut or both feet firmly planted in the air.>It follows that any commander in chief who undertakes to carry out a plan which he considers defective is at fault; he must put forth his reasons, insist of the plan being changed, and finally tender his resignation rather than be the instrument of his army's downfall. -- Napoleon, 'Military Maxims and Thought'qgInterfere? Of course we should interfere! Always do what you're best at, that's what I say. -- Doctor Who C7!+It is like saying that for the cause of peace, God and the Devil will have a high-level meeting. -- Rev. Carl McIntire, on Nixon's China tripU /It is impossible to defend perfectly against the attack of those who want to die.0eIt is enough to make one sympathize with a tyrant for the determination of his courtiers to deceive him for their own personal ends... -- Russell Baker and Charles PetersY7It is easier to fight for one's principles than to live up to them. -- Alfred Adler]?It is easier to be a 'humanitarian' than to render your own country its proper due; it is easier to be a 'patriot' than to make your community a better place to live in; it is easier to be a 'civic leader' than to treat your own family with loving understanding; for the smaller the focus of attention, the harder the task. -- Sydney J. Harris U$/It is now 10 p.m. Do you know where Henry Kissinger is? -- Elizabeth Carpenter7#sIt is not the critic who counts, or how the strong man stumbled, or whether the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood, who strives valiantly, who errs and comes short again and again; who knows the great enthusiasm, the great devotion, and who spends himself in a worthy cause, and if he fails, at least fails while daring greatly, so that he'll never be with those cold and timid souls who never know either victory or defeat. -- Teddy Roosevelth"UIt is necessary for the welfare of society that genius should be privileged to utter sedition, to blaspheme, to outrage good taste, to corrupt the youthful mind, and generally to scandalize one's uncles. -- George Bernard Shaw 4i4N)!It seems like the less a statesman amounts to, the more he loves the flag.\(=It seems a little silly now, but this country was founded as a protest against taxation.'It pays in England to be a revolutionary and a bible-smacker most of one's life and then come round. -- Lord Alfred Douglas &It may be better to be a live jackal than a dead lion, but it is better still to be a live lion. And usually easier. -- Lazarus Long% It is said an Eastern monarch once charged his wise men to invent him a sentence to be ever in view, and which should be true and appropriate in all times and situations. They presented him the words: 'And this, too, shall pass away.' -- Abraham Lincoln LL1,gIt was the Law of the Sea, they said. Civilization ends at the waterline. Beyond that, we all enter the food chain, and not always right at the top. -- Hunter S. Thompson;+{'It was a Roman who said it was sweet to die for one's country. The Greeks never said it was sweet to die for anything. They had no vital lies.' -- Edith Hamilton, 'The Greek Way'<*}It took a while to surface, but it appears that a long-distance credit card may have saved a U.S. Army unit from heavy casualties during the Grenada military rescue/invasion. Major General David Nichols, Air Force ... said the Army unit was in a house surrounded by Cuban forces. One soldier found a telephone and, using his credit card, called Ft. Bragg, N.C., telling Army officiers there of the perilous situation. The officers in turn called the Air Force, which sent in gunships to scatter the Cubans and relieve the unit. -- Aviation Week and Space Technology LFL.3aIt's the opinion of some that crops could be grown on the moon. Which raises the fear that it may not be long before we're paying somebody not to. -- Franklin P. Jones2?It's no surprise that things are so screwed up: everyone that knows how to run a government is either driving taxicabs or cutting hair. -- George Burnst1mIt's important that people know what you stand for. It's more important that they know what you won't stand for.C0 It's getting uncommonly easy to kill people in large numbers, and the first thing a principle does -- if it really is a principle -- is to kill somebody. -- Dorothy L. Sayers, 'Gaudy Night'f/Q 'It's a summons.' 'What's a summons?' 'It means summon's in trouble.' -- Rocky and Bullwinkles.kIt's a recession when your neighbour loses his job; it's a depression when you lose yours. -- Harry S. TrumanA-It's a good thing we don't get all the government we pay for. 5Da7GJoin the Navy; sail to far-off exotic lands, meet exciting interesting people, and kill them.S6+Join the army, see the world, meet interesting, exciting people, and kill them.53Join in the new game that's sweeping the country. It's called 'Bureaucracy'. Everybody stands in a circle. The first person to do anything loses.G4 Jacek, a Polish schoolboy, is told by his teacher that he has been chosen to carry the Polish flag in the May Day parade. 'Why me?' whines the boy. 'Three years ago I carried the flag when Brezhnev was the Secretary; then I carried the flag when it was Andropov's turn, and again when Chernenko was in the Kremlin. Why is it always me, teacher?' 'Because, Jacek, you have such golden hands,' the teacher explains. -- being told in Poland, 1987 k$0=gLawful Dungeon Master -- and they're MY laws!D< Law stands mute in the midst of arms. -- Marcus Tullius Cicero6;sL'etat c'est moi. [I am the state.] -- Louis XIV3:mKnow thyself. If you need help, call the C.I.A.9CKeep your laws off my body!8Just as most issues are seldom black or white, so are most good solutions seldom black or white. Beware of the solution that requires one side to be totally the loser and the other side to be totally the winner. The reason there are two sides to begin with usually is because neither side has all the facts. Therefore, when the wise mediator effects a compromise, he is not acting from political motivation. Rather, he is acting from a deep sense of respect for the whole truth. -- Stephen R. Schwambach  !^D3Life is a concentration camp. You're stuck here and there's no way out and you can only rage impotently against your persecutors. -- Woody Allen_CCLiberty is always dangerous, but it is the safest thing we have. -- Harry Emerson Fosdick^BALiberty don't work as good in practice as it does in speeches. -- The Best of Will Rogers`AELet us never negotiate out of fear, but let us never fear to negotiate. -- John F. Kennedyj@YLet the people think they govern and they will be governed. -- William Penn, founder of Pennsylvania,?_Let no guilty man escape. -- U.S. Grant\>=Leadership involves finding a parade and getting in front of it; what is happening in America is that those parades are getting smaller and smaller -- and there are many more of them. -- John Naisbitt, 'Megatrends' hIFLots of folks are forced to skimp to support a government that won't.E-Listen, there is no courage or any extra courage that I know of to find out the right thing to do. Now, it is not only necessary to do the right thing, but to do it in the right way and the only problem you have is what is the right thing to do and what is the right way to do it. That is the problem. But this economy of ours is not so simple that it obeys to the opinion of bias or the pronouncements of any particular individual, even to the President. This is an economy that is made up of 173 million people, and it reflects their desires, they're ready to buy, they're ready to spend, it is a thing that is too complex and too big to be affected adversely or advantageously just by a few words or any particular -- say, a little this and that, or even a panacea so alleged. -- D.D. Eisenhower, in response to: 'Has the government been lacking in courage and boldness in facing up to the recession?' R z37UR/Most people want either less corruption or more of a chance to participate in it.UQ/Military justice is to justice what military music is to music. -- Groucho MarxHPMilitary intelligence is a contradiction in terms. -- Groucho Marx*O[Mickey Mouse wears a Spiro Agnew watch.FNMessage will arrive in the mail. Destroy, before the FBI sees it.8MwMassachusetts has the best politicians money can buy.DL Many a bum show has been saved by the flag. -- George M. Cohan6KsMan is by nature a political animal. -- AristotleVJ1Man is a military animal, glories in gunpowder, and loves parade. -- P.J. BaileyCI Majorities, of course, start with minorities. -- Robert MosesH 'MacDonald has the gift on compressing the largest amount of words into the smallest amount of thoughts.' -- Winston Churchill#GMLove America -- or give it back. ddS5Mr. Salter's side of the conversation was limited to expressions of assent. When Lord Copper was right he said 'Definitely, Lord Copper'; when he was wrong, 'Up to a point.' 'Let me see, what's the name of the place I mean? Capital of Japan? Yokohama isn't it?' 'Up to a point, Lord Copper.' 'And Hong Kong definitely belongs to us, doesn't it?' 'Definitely, Lord Copper.' -- Evelyn Waugh, 'Scoop' $$*VYMy experience with government is when things are non-controversial, beautifully co-ordinated and all the rest, it must be that not much is going on. -- J.F. KennedyDU 'My country, right or wrong' is a thing that no patriot would think of saying, except in a desperate case. It is like saying 'My mother, drunk or sober.' -- G.K. Chesterton, 'The Defendant'bTIMy central memory of that time seems to hang on one or five or maybe forty nights -- or very early mornings -- when I left the Fillmore half-crazy and, instead of going home, aimed the big 650 Lightning across the Bay Bridge at a hundred miles an hour ... booming through the Treasure Island tunnel at the lights of Oakland and Berkeley and Richmond, not quite sure which turnoff to take when I got to the other end ... but being absolutely certain that no matter which way I went I would come to a place where people were just as high and wild as I was: no doubt at all about that. -- Hunter S. Thompson 9p9ZZ9NAPOLEON: What shall we do with this soldier, Giuseppe? Everything he says is wrong. GIUSEPPE: Make him a general, Excellency, and then everything he says will be right. -- G. B. Shaw, 'The Man of Destiny'UY/My own life has been spent chronicling the rise and fall of human systems, and I am convinced that we are terribly vulnerable. ... We should be reluctant to turn back upon the frontier of this epoch. Space is indifferent to what we do; it has no feeling, no design, no interest in whether or not we grapple with it. But we cannot be indifferent to space, because the grand, slow march of intelligence has brought us, in our generation, to a point from which we can explore and understand and utilize it. To turn back now would be to deny our history, our capabilities. -- James A. MichenerUX/My folks didn't come over on the Mayflower, but they were there to meet the boat.5WqMy father was a saint, I'm not. -- Indira Gandhi U/nlUndaNo man's ambition has a right to stand in the way of performing a simple act of justice. -- John Altgeld)cYNihilism should commence with oneself.wbsNext to being shot at and missed, nothing is really quite as satisfying as an income tax refund. -- F. J. RaymondGa'Never underestimate the power of a small tactical nuclear weapon.'I`Never trust an automatic pistol or a D.A.'s deal. -- John Dillingeri_WNever let your sense of morals prevent you from doing what is right. -- Salvor Hardin, 'Foundation'd^MNemo me impune lacessit. [No one provokes me with impunity] -- Motto of the Crown of ScotlandW]3Neglect of duty does not cease, by repetition, to be neglect of duty. -- Napoleon\-Necessity is the plea for every infringement of human freedom. It is the argument of tyrants; it is the creed of slaves. -- William Pitt, 17836[sNational security is in your hands - guard it well. ~y~gNo-one would remember the Good Samaritan if he had only had good intentions. He had money as well. -- Margaret ThatcherfNo, my friend, the way to have good and safe government, is not to trust it all to one, but to divide it among the many, distributing to every one exactly the functions he is competent to. It is by dividing and subdividing these republics from the national one down through all its subordinations, until it ends in the administration of every man's farm by himself; by placing under every one what his own eye may superintend, that all will be done for the best. -- Thomas Jefferson, to Joseph Cabell, 1816eNo matter whether th' constitution follows th' flag or not, th' supreme court follows th' iliction returns. -- Mr. Dooley \\Tk-Nothing is illegal if one hundred businessmen decide to do it. -- Andrew YoungRj)Nothing in life is so exhilarating as to be shot at without result. -- Winston Churchill Next to being shot at and missed, nothing is really quite as satisfying as an income tax refund. -- F.J. Raymondi Nobody takes a bribe. Of course at Christmas if you happen to hold out your hat and somebody happens to put a little something in it, well, that's different. -- New York City Police Commissioner (Ret.) William P. O'Brien, instructions to the force.kh[Nobody shot me. -- Frank Gusenberg, his last words, when asked by police who had shot him 14 times with a machine gun in the Saint Valentine's Day Massacre. Only Capone kills like that. -- George 'Bugs' Moran, on the Saint Valentine's Day Massacre The only man who kills like that is Bugs Moran. -- Al Capone, on the Saint Valentine's Day Massacre vqqOh, I don't blame Congress. If I had $600 billion at my disposal, I'd be irresponsible, too. -- Lichty & Wagner.paO'Brien held up his left hand, its back toward Winston, with the thumb hidden and the four fingers extended. 'How many fingers am I holding up, Winston?' 'Four.' 'And if the Party says that it is not four but five -- then how many?' 'Four.' The word ended in a gasp of pain. -- George Orwell>o'Nuclear war would really set back cable.' -- Ted Turner4nm'Nuclear war would mean abolition of most comforts, and disruption of normal routines, for children and adults alike.' -- Willard F. Libby, 'You *Can* Survive Atomic Attack';m}Now and then an innocent man is sent to the legislature.l Nothing, nothing, nothing, no error, no crime is so absolutely repugnant to God as everything which is official; and why? because the official is so impersonal and therefore the deepest insult which can be offered to a personality. -- Soren Kierkegaard   "uI Once there was a marine biologist who loved dolphins. He spent his time trying to feed and protect his beloved creatures of the sea. One day, in a fit of invent2btIOnce is happenstance, Twice is coincidence, Three times is enemy action. -- Auric Goldfinger1sgOn account of being a democracy and run by the people, we are the only nation in the world that has to keep a government four years, no matter what it does. -- Will Rogers*r[Old soldiers never die. Young ones do.ive genius, he came up with a serum that would make dolphins live forever! Of course he was ecstatic. But he soon realized that in order to mass produce this serum he would need large amounts of a certain compound that was only found in nature in the metabolism of a rare South American bird. Carried away by his love for dolphins, he resolved that he would go to the zoo and steal one of these birds. Unbeknownst to him, as he was arriving at the zoo an elderly lion was escaping from its cage. The zookeepers were alarmed and immediately began combing the zoo for the escaped animal, unaware that it had simply lain down on the sidewalk and had gone to sleep. Meanwhile, the marine biologist arrived at the zoo and procured his bird. He was so excited by the prospect of helping his dolphins that he stepped absentmindedly stepped over the sleeping lion on his way back to his car. Immediately, 1500 policemen converged on him and arrested him for transporting a myna across a staid lion for immortal porpoises. v9 iI-|aOne seldom sees a monument to a committee.{AOne planet is all you get.z;One organism, one vote.yOne of the lessons of history is that nothing is often a good thing to do and always a clever thing to say. -- Will Durant,x_One nuclear bomb can ruin your whole day.:w{Once you've seen one nuclear war, you've seen them all.vOnce upon a time there was a kingdom ruled by a great bear. The peasants were not very rich, and one of the few ways to become at all wealthy was to become a Royal Knight. This required an interview with the bear. If the bear liked you, you were knighted on the spot. If not, the bear would just as likely remove your head with one swat of a paw. However, the family of these unfortunate would-be knights was compensated with a beautiful sheepdog from the royal kennels, which was itself a fairly valuable possession. And the moral of the story is: The mourning after a terrible knight, nothing beats the dog of the bear that hit you. 66F}Only two kinds of witnesses exist. The first live in a neighborhood where a crime has been committed and in no circumstances have ever seen anything or even heard a shot. The second category are the neighbors of anyone who happens to be accused of the crime. These have always looked out of their windows when the shot was fired, and have noticed the accused person standing peacefully on his balcony a few yards away. -- Sicilian police officer BWBFOur swords shall play the orators for us. -- Christopher MarloweHOur sires' age was worse that our grandsires'. We their sons are more worthless than they: so in our turn we shall give the world a progeny yet more corrupt. -- Quintus Horatius Flaccus (Horace)%~OOur congratulations go to a Burlington Vermont civilian employee of the local Army National Guard base. He recently received a substational cash award from our government for inventing a device for optical scanning. His device reportedly will save the government more than $6 million a year by replacing a more expensive helicopter maintenance tool with his own, home-made, hand-held model. Not suprisingly, we also have a couple of money-saving ideas that we submit to the Pentagon free of charge: (a) Don't kill anybody. (b) Don't build things that do. (c) And don't pay other people to kill anybody. We expect annual savings to be in the billions. -- Sojourners [x9[wsPeace is much more precious than a piece of land... let there be no more wars. -- Mohammed Anwar Sadat, 1918-1981aGPeace cannot be kept by force; it can only be achieved by understanding. -- Albert Einstein<Patriotism is the virtue of the vicious. -- Oscar Wilde*YPatriotism is the last refuge of a scoundrel. -- S. Johnson, 'The Life of Samuel Johnson' by J. Boswell In Dr. Johnson's famous dictionary patriotism is defined as the last resort of the scoundrel. With all due respect to an enlightened but inferior lexicographer I beg to submit that it is the first. -- Ambrose Bierce When Dr. Johnson defined patriotism as the last refuge of a scoundrel, he ignored the enormous possibilities of the word reform. -- Sen. Roscoe Conkling Public office is the last refuge of a scoundrel. -- Boies PenroseW3Ours is a world of nuclear giants and ethical infants. -- General Omar N. Bradley RRfR %Perhaps the most widespread illusion is that if we were in power we would behave very differently from those who now hold it -- when, in truth, in order to get power we would have to become very much like them. (Lenin's fatal mistake, both in theory and in practice.) =People who develop the habit of thinking of themselves as world citizens are fulfilling the first requirement of sanity in our time. -- Norman CousinsI People usually get what's coming to them ... unless it's been mailed.CPeople that can't find something to live for always seem to find something to die for. The problem is, they usually want the rest of us to die for it too.;People of privilege will always risk their complete destruction rather than surrender any material part of their advantage. -- John Kenneth GalbraithiWPeople never lie so much as after a hunt, during a war, or before an election. -- Otto Von Bismarck sjbYsfQPoliticians should read science fiction, not westerns and detective stories. -- Arthur C. ClarkezyPoliticians are the same all over. They promise to build a bridge even where there is no river. -- Nikita KhrushchevPolitical T.V. commercials prove one thing: some candidates can tell all their good points and qualifications in just 30 seconds.}Political speeches are like steer horns. A point here, a point there, and a lot of bull inbetween. -- Alfred E. NeumanhUPolitical history is far too criminal a subject to be a fit thing to teach children. -- W.H. Auden;Poland has gun control.} Pilfering Treasury property is paticularly dangerous: big thieves are ruthless in punishing little thieves. -- Diogenes )Persistence in one opinion has never been considered a merit in political leaders. -- Marcus Tullius Cicero, 'Ad familiares', 1st century BC G*GJPolitics is the ability to foretell what is going to happen tomorrow, next week, next month and next year. And to have the ability afterwards to explain why it didn't happen. -- Winston Churchill Politics is not the art of the possible. It consists in choosing between the disastrous and the unpalatable. -- John Kenneth GalbraithPolitics are almost as exciting as war, and quite as dangerous. In war, you can only be killed once. -- Winston Churchill/cPolitics and the fate of mankind are formed by men without ideals and without greatness. Those who have greatness within them do not go in for politics. -- Albert Camus EPolitics -- the gentle art of getting votes from the poor and campaign funds from the rich by promising to protect each from the other. -- Oscar Ameringer|}Politicians speak for their parties, and parties never are, never have been, and never will be wrong. -- Walter Dwight \Q[\O%#Power tends to corrupt, absolute power corrupts absolutely. -- Lord Acton*$[Power is the finest token of affection.#-Power is poison.g"SPower corrupts. Absolute power is kind of neat. -- John Lehman, Secretary of the Navy, 1981-1987e!OPoverty must have its satisfactions, else there would not be so many poor people. -- Don Herold ;Poverty begins at home./ePostmen never die, they just lose their zip.<Post proelium, praemium. [After the battle, the reward.]:{Populus vult decipi. [The people like to be deceived.]m_Politics, like religion, hold up the torches of matrydom to the reformers of error. -- Thomas JeffersonCPolitics, as a practice, whatever its professions, has always been the systematic organisation of hatreds. -- Henry Adams, 'The Education of Henry Adams'\=Politics makes strange bedfellows, and journalism makes strange politics. -- Amy Gorin 49/9Reunite Gondwondaland!.Reporter (to Mahatma Gandhi): Mr Gandhi, what do you think of Western Civilization? Gandhi: I think it would be a good idea.{-{'Remember, if it's being done correctly, here or abroad, it's ___not the U.S. Army doing it!' -- Good Morning VietNam_,CRemember folks. Street lights timed for 35 mph are also timed for 70 mph. -- Jim Samuelsq+gQuestion: Is it better to abide by the rules until they're changed or help speed the change by breaking them?"*KQUESTION AUTHORITY. (Sez who?))3Question authority.f(QPut a rogue in the limelight and he will act like an honest man. -- Napoleon Bonaparte, 'Maxims'' President Reagan has noted that there are too many economic pundits and forecasters and has decided on an excess prophets tax.C& Practical politics consists in ignoring facts. -- Henry Adams @~Tl7]Sentenced to two years hard labor (for sodomy), Oscar Wilde stood handcuffed in driving rain waiting for transport to prison. 'If this is the way Queen Victoria treats her prisoners,' he remarked, 'she doesn't deserve to have any.'C6 Sed quis custodiet ipsos Custodes? [Who guards the Guardians?]'5USecrecy is the beginning of tyranny.c4KScrubbing floors and emptying bedpans has as much dignity as the Presidency. -- Richard Nixon 3GSauron is alive in Argentina!62sRule the Empire through force. -- Shogun Tokugawa@1'Rights' is a fictional abstraction. No one has 'Rights', neither machines nor flesh-and-blood. Persons... have opportunities, not rights, which they use or do not use. -- Lazarus Longx0uRev. Jim: What does an amber light mean? Bobby: Slow down. Rev. Jim: What... does... an... amber... light... mean? Bobby: Slow down. Rev. Jim: What.... does.... an.... amber.... light.... O|On>a[Sir Stafford Cripps] has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire. -- Winston ChurchillD= Since aerosols are forbidden, the police are using roll-on Mace!r<iSince a politician never believes what he says, he is surprised when others believe him. -- Charles DeGaullem;_Signs of crime: screaming or cries for help. -- The Brown University Security Crime Prevention PamphletN:!Sherry [Thomas Sheridan] is dull, naturally dull; but it must have taken him a great deal of pains to become what we now see him. Such an excess of stupidity, sir, is not in Nature. -- Samuel Johnson!9IShah, shah! Ayatollah you so!8=Serfs up! -- Spartacus I?Slaves are generally expected to sing as well as to work ... I did not, when a slave, understand the deep meanings of those rude, and apparently incoherent songs. I was myself within the circle, so that I neither saw nor heard as those without might see and hear. They told a tale which was then altogether beyond my feeble comprehension: they were tones, loud, long and deep, breathing the prayer and complaint of souls boiling over with the bitterest anguish. Every tone was a testimony against slavery, and a prayer to God for deliverance from chains. -- Frederick Douglass hh"AI... so long as the people do not care to exercise their freedom, those who wish to tyrranize will do so; for tyrants are active and ardent, and will devote themselves in the name of any number of gods, religious and otherwise, to put shackles upon sleeping men. -- Voltarine de Cleyren@aSo from the depths of its enchantment, Terra was able to calculate a course of action. Here at last was an opportunity to consort with Dirbanu on a friendly basis -- great Durbanu which, since it had force fields which Earth could not duplicate, must of necessity have many other things Earth could use; mighty Durbanu before whom we would kneel in supplication (with purely- for-defense bombs hidden in our pockets) with lowered heads (making invisible the knife in our teeth) and ask for crumbs from their table (in order to extrapolate the location of their kitchens). -- Theodore Sturgeon, 'The World Well Lost' .EU.$IOSupport your right to arm bears!!-HaSupport your local police force -- steal!!tGmSuch a foolish notion, that war is called devotion, when the greatest warriors are the ones who stand for peace.F? Strange memories on this nervous night in Las Vegas. Five years later? Six? It seems like a lifetime, or at least a Main Era -- the kind of peak that neveA0EgStamp out organized crime!! Abolish the IRS.iDW Somewhat alarmed at the continued growth of the number of employees on the Department of Agriculture payroll in 1962, Michigan Republican Robert Griffin proposed an amendment to the farm bill so that 'the total number of employees in the Department of Agriculture at no time exceeds the number of farmers in America.' -- Bill Adler, 'The Washington Wits'VC1Some men rob you with a six-gun -- others with a fountain pen. -- Woodie Guthrie_BCSo many men, so many opinions; every one his own way. -- Publius Terentius Afer (Terence)r comes again. San Fransisco in the middle sixties was a very special time and place to be a part of. Maybe it meant something. Maybe not, in the long run... There was madness in any direction, at any hour. If not across the Bay, then up the Golden Gate or down 101 to Los Altos or La Honda... You could strike sparks anywhere. There was a fantastic universal sense that whatever we were doing was right, that we were winning... And that, I think, was the handle -- that sense of inevitable victory over the forces of Old and Evil. Not in any mean or military sense; we didn't need that. Our energy would simply prevail. There was no point in fighting -- on our side or theirs. We had all the momentum; we were riding the crest of a high and beautiful wave. So now, less than five years later, you can go up on a steep hill in Las Vegas and look West, and with the right kind of eyes you can almost ___see the high-water mark -- that place where the wave finally broke and rolled back. -- Hunter S. Thompson f_4%^&f_SCThat government is best which governs least. -- Henry David Thoreau, 'Civil Disobedience'[R;Ten persons who speak make more noise than ten thousand who are silent. -- Napoleon I5QqTaxes are not levied for the benefit of the taxed.[P;Taxes are going up so fast, the government is likely to price itself out of the market.fOQTax reform means 'Don't tax you, don't tax me, tax that fellow behind the tree.' -- Russell Long NTANSTAAFL(MWTake your Senator to lunch this week.wLsTake Care of the Molehills, and the Mountains Will Take Care of Themselves. -- Motto of the Federal Civil Service;K{Surprise! You are the lucky winner of random I.R.S. Audit! Just type in your name and social security number. Please remember that leaving the room is punishable under law: Name #eJOSupport your right to bare arms! -- A message from the National Short-Sleeved Shirt Association 1O 1mY_The avoidance of taxes is the only intellectual pursuit that carries any reward. -- John Maynard Keynes?XThe attacker must vanquish; the defender need only survive.VW1The assertion that 'all men are created equal' was of no practical use in effecting our separation from Great Britain and it was placed in the Declaration not for that, but for future use. -- Abraham LincolnKVThe Army needs leaders the way a foot needs a big toe. -- Bill Murray@U... The Anarchists' [national] anthem is an international anthem that consists of 365 raspberries blown in very quick succession to the tune of 'Camptown Races'. Nobody has to stand up for it, nobody has to listen to it, and, even better, nobody has to play it. -- Mike Harding, 'The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac'-T_That's where the money was. -- Willie Sutton, on being asked why he robbed a bank It's a rather pleasant experience to be alone in a bank at night. -- Willie Sutton u#f1SPa%The dirty work at political conventions is almost always done in the grim hours between midnight and dawn. Hangmen and politicians work best when the human spirit is at its lowest ebb. -- Russell Bakerf`QThe degree of civilization in a society can be judged by entering its prisons. -- F. Dostoyevskir_iThe danger is not that a particular class is unfit to govern. Every class is unfit to govern. -- Lord Acton2^kThe Crown is full of it! -- Nate Harris, 1775d]MThe control of the production of wealth is the control of human life itself. -- Hilaire BellocS\+The Constitution may not be perfect, but it's a lot better than what we've got!O[#The bureaucracy is expanding to meet the needs of an expanding bureaucracy.ZThe better the state is established, the fainter is humanity. To make the individual uncomfortable, that is my task. -- Nietzsche ;^qL0y;;h}The famous politician was trying to save both his faces.3gkThe fact that people are poor or discriminated against doesn't necessarily endow them with any special qualities of justice, nobility, charity or compassion. -- Saul Alinskyf5The fact that an opinion has been widely held is no evidence that it is not utterly absurd; indeed, in view of the silliness of the majority of mankind, a widespread belief is more often likely to be foolish than sensible. -- Bertrand Russell, in 'Marriage and Morals', 1929"eKThe eyes of taxes are upon you.Pd%The end move in politics is always to pick up a gun. -- Buckminster Fullerc1The doctrine of human equality reposes on this: that there is no man really clever who has not found that he is stupid. -- Gilbert K. ChestersonbAThe distinction between Freedom and Liberty is not accurately known; naturalists have been unable to find a living specimen of either. -- Ambrose Bierce Mk9The founding fathers tried to set up a judicial system where the accused received a fair trial, not a system to insure an acquittal on technicalities.Pj%The first duty of a revolutionary is to get away with it. -- Abbie Hoffman\i=The fashionable drawing rooms of London have always been happy to accept outsiders -- if only on their own, albeit undemanding terms. That is to say, artists, so long as they are not too talented, men of humble birth, so long as they have since amassed several million pounds, and socialists so long as they are Tories. -- Christopher Booker zzl The General disliked trying to explain the highly technical inner workings of the U.S. Air Force. '$7,662 for a ten cup coffee maker, General?' the Senator asked. In his head he ran through his standard explanations. 'It's not so,' he thought. 'It's a deterrent.' Soon he came up with, 'It's computerized, Senator. Tiny computer chips make coffee that's smooth and full-bodied. Try a cup.' The Senator did. 'Pfffttt! Tastes like jet fuel!' 'It's not so,' the General thought. 'It's a deterrent.' Then he remembered something. 'We bought a lot of untested computer chips,' the General answered. 'They got into everything. Just a little mix-up. Nothing serious.' Then he remembered something else. It was at the site of the mysterious B-1 crash. A strange smell in the fuel lines. It smelled like coffee. Smooth and full bodied... -- Another Episode of General's Hospital 2mA2orcThe greatest disloyalty one can offer to great pioneers is to refuse to move an inch from where they stood.q7The greatest dangers to liberty lurk in insidious encroachment by men of zeal, well-meaning but without understanding. -- Justice Louis D. BrandeisHpThe graveyards are full of indispensable men. -- Charles de Gaulle]o?The Government just announced today the creation of the Neutron Bomb II. Similar to the Neutron Bomb, the Neutron Bomb II not only kills people and leaves buildings standing, but also does a little light housekeeping.%nOThe government has just completed work on a missile that turned out to be a bit of a boondoggle; nicknamed 'Civil Servant', it won't work and they can't fire it.fmQThe genius of our ruling class is that it has kept a majority of the people from ever questioning the inequity of a system where most people drudge along paying heavy taxes for which they get nothing in return. -- Gore Vidal 6_w5The inherent vice of capitalism is the unequal sharing of blessings; the inherent virtue of socialism is the equal sharing of misery. -- ChurchillSv+The income tax has made more liars out of the American people than golf has. Even when you make a tax form out on the level, you don't know when it's through if you are a crook or a martyr. -- Will Rogers uThe health of a democratic society may be measured by the quality of functions performed by private citizens. -- Alexis de Tocqueville[t;The hater of property and of government takes care to have his warranty deed recorded, and the book written against fame and learning has the author's name on the title page. -- Ralph Waldo Emerson, Journals, 1831Xs5The hardest thing in the world to understand is the income tax. -- Albert Einstein .1.yThe IRS spends God knows how much of your tax money on these toll-free information hot lines staffed by IRS employees, whose idea of a dynamite tax tip is that you should print neatly. If you ask them a real tax question, such as how you can cheat, they're useless. So, for guidance, you want to look to big business. Big business never pays a nickel in taxes, according to Ralph Nader, who represents a big consumer organization that never pays a nickel in taxes... -- Dave Barry, 'Sweating Out Taxes'KxThe introduction of a new kind of music must be shunned as imperiling the whole state, for styles of music are never disturbed without affecting the most important political institutions. ... The new style, gradually gaining a lodgement, quitely insinuates itself into manners and customs, and from it ... goes on to attack laws and constitutions, displaying the utmost impudence, until it ends by overturning everything. -- Plato, 'Republic', 370 B.C. MMA{The Least Successful Executions History has furnished us with two executioners worthy of attention. The first performed in Sydney in Australia. In 1803 three attempts were made to hang a Mr. Joseph Samuels. On the first two of these the rope snapped, while on the third Mr. Samuels just hung there peacefully until he and everyone else got bored. Since he had proved unsusceptible to capital punishment, he was reprieved. The most important British executioner was Mr. James Berry who tried three times in 1885 to hang Mr. John Lee at Exeter Jail, but on each occasion failed to get the trap door open. In recognition of this achievement, the Home Secretary commuted Lee's sentence to 'life' imprisonment. He was released in 1917, emigrated to America and lived until 1933. -- Stephen Pile, 'The Book of Heroic Failures'kz[The law will never make men free; it is men who have got to make the law free. -- Henry David Thoreau KK1|gThe Least Successful Police Dogs America has a very strong candidate in 'La Dur', a fearsome looking schnauzer hound, who was retired from the Orlando police force in Florida in 1978. He consistently refused to do anything which might ruffle or offend the criminal classes. His handling officer, Rick Grim, had to admit: 'He just won't go up and bite them. I got sick and tired of doing that dog's work for him.' The British contenders in this category, however, took things a stage further. 'Laddie' and 'Boy' were trained as detector dogs for drug raids. Their employment was terminated following a raid in the Midlands in 1967. While the investigating officer questioned two suspects, they patted and stroked the dogs who eventually fell asleep in front of the fire. When the officer moved to arrest the suspects, one dog growled at him while the other leapt up and bit his thigh. -- Stephen Pile, 'The Book of Heroic Failures' JDKJ}The man with the best job in the country is the Vice President. All he has to do is get up every morning and say, 'How's the President?' -- Will Rogers The vice-presidency ain't worth a pitcher of warm spit. -- Vice President John Nance Garner6qThe man who follows the crowd will usually get no further than the crowd. The man who walks alone is likely to find himself in places no one has ever been. -- Alan Ashley-Pitt1gThe majority of the stupid is invincible and guaranteed for all time. The terror of their tyranny, however, is alleviated by their lack of consistency. -- Albert Einstein'The Lord gave us farmers two strong hands so we could grab as much as we could with both of them.' -- Joseph Heller, 'Catch-22'e~OThe lion and the calf shall lie down together but the calf won't get much sleep. -- Woody AllenQ}'The less a statesman amounts to, the more he loves the flag. -- Kin Hubbard UNG CThe poetry of heroism appeals irresitably to those who don't go to a war, and even more so to those whom the war is making enormously wealthy.' -- CelineJ The only winner in the War of 1812 was Tchaikovsky. -- David GerroldH The Official Colorado State Vegetable is now the 'state legislator'.l]The new Congressmen say they're going to turn the government around. I hope I don't get run over again.:{The more you sweat in peace, the less you bleed in war.4oThe more control, the more that requires control.!IThe Moral Majority is neither. The Minnesota Board of Education voted to consider requiring all students to do some 'volunteer woO'SThe mark of the immature man is that he wants to die nobly for a cause, while the mark of a mature man is that he wants to live humbly for one. -- Wilhelm Stekelrk' as a prerequisite to high school graduation. Senator Orrin Hatch said that 'capital punishment is our society's recognition of the sanctity of human life.' According to the tax bill signed by President Reagan on December 22, 1987, Don Tyson and his sister-in-law Barbara run a 'family farm.' Their 'farm' has 25,000 employees and grosses $1.7 billion a year. But as a 'family farm' they get tax breaks that save them $135 million a year. Scott L. Pickard, spokesperson for the Massachusetts Department of Public Works, calls them 'ground-mounted confirmatory route markers.' You probably call them road signs, but then you don't work in a government agency. It's not 'elderly' or 'senior citizens' anymore. Now it's 'chrono- logically experienced citizens.' According to the FAA, the propeller blade didn't break off, it was just a case of 'uncontained blade liberation.' -- Quarterly Review of Doublespeak (NCTE) 'wH~The price of seeking to force our beliefs on others is that someday they might force their beliefs on us. -- Mario Cuomo,_The price of greatness is responsibility., ]The politician is someone who deals in man's problems of adjustment. To ask a politician to lead us is to ask the tail of a dog to lead the dog. -- Buckminster FullerU /The polite thing to do has always been to address people as they wish to be addressed, to treat them in a way they think dignified. But it is equally important to accept and tolerate different standards of courtesy, not expecting everyone else to adapt to one's own preferences. Only then can we hope to restore the insult to its proper social function of expressing true distaste. -- Judith Martin, 'Miss Manners' Guide to Excruciatingly Correct Behavior' Q ^LQ$MThe Puritan hated bear-baiting, not because it gave pain to the bear, but because it gave pleasure to the spectators. -- Thomas Macaulay, 'History of England'P%The public is an old woman. Let her maunder and mumble. -- Thomas Carlyle6qThe public demands certainties; it must be told definitely and a bit raucously that this is true and that is false. But there are no certainties. -- H.L. Mencken, 'Prejudice'U/The problem with this country is that there is no death penalty for incompetence.(UThe problem with most conspiracy theories is that they seem to believe that for a group of people to behave in a way detrimental to the common good requires intent.riThe primary theme of SoupCon is communication. The acronym 'LEO' represents the secondary theme: Law Enforcement Officials The overall theme of SoupCon shall be: Avoiding Communication with Law Enforcement Officials -- M. Gallaher ?JThe time for action is past! Now is the time for senseless bickering./The so-called lessons of history are for the most part the rationalizations of the victors. History is written by the survivors. -- Max Lerner3mThe scum also rises. -- Dr. Hunter S. ThompsonY7The rule is, jam to-morrow and jam yesterday, but never jam today. -- Lewis Carroll'The Right Honorable Gentleman is indebted to his memory for his jests and to his imagination for his facts.' -- Sheridan(WThe revolution will not be televised.%The question is, why are politicians so eager to be president? What is it about the job that makes it worth revealing, on national television, that you have the ethical standards of a slime-coated piece of industrial waste? -- Dave Barry, 'On Presidential Politics' AThe time was the 19th of May, 1780. The place was Hartford, Connecticut. The day has gone down in New England history as a terrible foretaste of Judgement Day. For at noon the skies turned from blue to grey and by mid-afternoon had blackened over so densely that, in that religious age, men fell on their knees and begged a final blessing before the end came. The Connecticut House of Representatives was in session. And, as some of the men fell down and others clamored for an immediate adjournment, the Speaker of the House, one Col. Davenport, came to his feet. He silenced them and said these words: 'The day of judgment is either approaching or it is not. If it is not, there is no cause for adjournment. If it is, I choose to be found doing my duty. I wish therefore that candles may be brought.' -- Alistair Cooke S7sS"=The very powerful and the very stupid have one thing in common. Instead of altering their views to fit the facts, they alter the facts to fit their views ... which can be very uncomfortable if you happen to be one of the facts that needs altering. -- Doctor Who, 'Face of Evil'w!sThe universe is ruled by letting things take their course. It cannot be ruled by interfering. -- Chinese proverbk [The two party system ... is a triumph of the dialectic. It showed that two could be one and one could be two and had probably been fabricated by Hegel for the American market on a subcontract from General Dynamics. -- I.F. StoneX5The two oldest professions in the world have been ruined by amateurs. -- G.B. ShawEThe trouble with this country is that there are too many politicians who believe, with a conviction based on experience, that you can fool all of the people all of the time. -- Franklin Adams {{}%The world's great men have not commonly been great scholars, nor its great scholars great men. -- Oliver Wendell Holmes$7The way I understand it, the Russians are sort of a combination of evil and incompetence... sort of like the Post Office with tanks. -- Emo Philipse#O'The wages of sin are death; but after they're done taking out taxes, it's just a tired feeling:' QQ+&[The Worst Bank Robbery In August 1975 three men were on their way in to rob the Royal Bank of Scotland at Rothesay, when they got stuck in the revolving doors. They had to be helped free by the staff and, after thanking everyone, sheepishly left the building. A few minutes later they returned and announced their intention of robbing the bank, but none of the staff believed them. When they demanded 5,000 pounds in cash, the head cashier laughed at them, convinced that it was a practical joke. Then one of the men jumped over the counter, but fell to the floor clutching his ankle. The other two tried to make their getaway, but got trapped in the revolving doors again.ared. A guard explained, 'Yes, we were planning to look for them, but never got around to it.' The warders had not, however, noticed the gaping holes in the wall because they were 'covered with posters'. Nor did they detect any of the spades, chisels, water hoses and electric drills amassed by the inmates in large quantities. The night before the breakout one guard had noticed that of the 36 prisoners in his block only 13 were present. He said this was 'normal' because inmates sometimes missed roll-call or hid, but usually came back the next morning. 'We only found out about the escape at 6:30 the next morning when one of the prisoners told us,' a warder said later. [...] When they eventually checked, the prison guards found that exactly half of the gaol's population was missing. By way of explanation the Justice Minister, Dr. Santos Pais, claimed that the escape was 'normal' and part of the 'legitimate desire of the prisoner to regain his liberty.' -- Stephen Pile, 'The Book of Heroic Failures' }Gn}+7There are only two things in this world that I am sure of, death and taxes, and we just might do something about death one of these days. -- shadesQ*'There are no manifestos like cannon and musketry. -- The Duke of Wellington^)AThere are a lot of lies going around.... and half of them are true. -- Winston Churchillu(oThere appears to be irrefutable evidence that the mere fact of overcrowding induces violence. -- Harvey Wheeler-'_The Worst Prison Guards The largest number of convicts ever to escape simultaneously from a maximum security prison is 124. This record is held by Alcoente Prison, near Lisbon in Portugal. During the weeks leading up to the escape in July 1978 the prison warders had noticed that attendances had fallen at film shows which included 'The Great Escape', and also that 220 knives and a huge quantity of electric cable had disappeW 3T<j3"3IThere is no act of treachery or mean-ness of which a political party is not capable; for in politics there is no honour. -- Benjamin Disraeli, 'Vivian Grey' 2There is Jackson standing like a stone wall. Let us determine to die, and we will conquer. Follow me. -- General Barnard E. Bee (CSA)d1MThere is hopeful symbolism in the fact that flags do not wave in a vacuum. -- Arthur C. Clarkeh0UThere is a certain impertinence in allowing oneself to be burned for an opinion. -- Anatole FranceZ/9There cannot be a crisis next week. My schedule is already full. -- Henry KissingerO.#There can be no daily democracy without daily citizenship. -- Ralph Naderf-QThere but for the grace of God, goes God. -- Winston Churchill, speaking of Sir Stafford Cripps.(,UThere are two kinds of fool. One says, 'This is old, and therefore good.' And one says, 'This is new, and therefore better' -- John Brunner, 'The Shockwave Rider' %#_9CThere is only one way to kill capitalism -- by taxes, taxes, and more taxes. -- Karl Marx~8There is one difference between a tax collector and a taxidermist -- the taxidermist leaves the hide. -- Mortimer Caplan75There is not a man in the country that can't make a living for himself and family. But he can't make a living for them *and* his government, too, the way his government is living. What the government has got to do is live as cheap as the people. -- The Best of Will Rogersb6IThere is no security on this earth. There is only opportunity. -- General Douglas MacArthurW53There is no satisfaction in hanging a man who does not object to it. -- G.B. Shaw~4There is no education that is not political. An apolitical education is also political because it is purposely isolating. rRrC? 'They make a desert and call it peace.' -- Tacitus (55?-120?)X>5They call them 'squares' because it's the most complicated shape they can deal with. =There's nothing in the middle of the road but yellow stripes and dead armadillos. -- Jim Hightower, Texas Agricultural Commissionerm<_There's no trick to being a humorist when you have the whole government working for you. -- Will Rogers?;There never was a good war or a bad peace. -- B. Franklin*:YThere is perhaps in every thing of any consequence, secret history, which it would be amusing to know, could we have it authentically communicated. -- James Boswell ; ;KBThey use different words for things in America. For instance they say elevator and we say lift. They say drapes and we say curtains. They say president and we say brain damaged git. -- Alexie SayleA)'They that can give up essential liberty to obtain a little temporary safety deserve neither liberty nor safety.' -- Benjamin Franklin, 1759\@=They sentenced me to twenty years of boredom for trying to change the system from within. I'm coming now I'm coming to reward them. First we take Manhattan, then we take Berlin. I'm guided by a signal in the heavens. I'm guided by this birthmark on my skin. I'm guided by the beauty of our weapons. First we take Manhattan, then we take Berlin. I'd really like to live beside you, baby. I love your body and your spirit and your clothes. But you see that line there moving through the station? I told you I told you I told you I was one of those. -- Leonard Cohen, 'First We Take Manhattan' +yv I?Those who have had no share in the good fortunes of the mighty Often have a share in their misfortunes. -- Bertolt Brecht, 'The Caucasian Chalk Circle'SH+'Those who do not do politics will be done in by politics.' -- French Proverb4Gm Thompson, if he is to be believed, has sampled the entire rainbow of legal and illegal drugs in he^F%This is a country where people are free to practice their religion, regardless of race, creed, color, obesity, or number of dangling keys....EaThieves respect property; they merely wish the property to become their property that they may more perfectly respect it. -- G.K. Chesterton, 'The Man Who Was Thursday'TD-They're giving bank robbing a bad name. -- John Dillinger, on Bonnie and Clyde{C{They will only cause the lower classes to move about needlessly. -- The Duke of Wellington, on early steam railroads.roic efforts to feel better than he does. As for the truth about his health: I have asked around about it. I am told that he appears to be strong and rosy, and steadily sane. But we will be doing what he wants us to do, I think, if we consider his exterior a sort of Dorian Gray facade. Inwardly, he is being eaten alive by tinhorn politicians. The disease is fatal. There is no known cure. The most we can do for the poor devil, it seems to me, is to name his disease in his honor. From this moment on, let all those who feel that Americans can be as easily led to beauty as to ugliness, to truth as to public relations, to joy as to bitterness, be said to be suffering from Hunter Thompson's disease. I don't have it this morning. It comes and goes. This morning I don't have Hunter Thompson's disease. -- Kurt Vonnegut Jr., on Dr. Hunter S. Thompson: Excerpt from 'A Political Disease', Vonnegut's review of 'Fear and Loathing: On the Campaign Trail '72' Fq9F@QToday is a good day to bribe a high-ranking public official.CP To use violence is to already be defeated. -- Chinese proverbgOSTo think contrary to one's era is heroism. But to speak against it is madness. -- Eugene IonescojNYTo say you got a vote of confidence would be to say you needed a vote of confidence. -- Andrew YoungQM'To make tax forms true they should read 'Income Owed Us' and 'Incommode You'.$LMTo be excellent when engaged in administration is to be like the North Star. As it remains in its one position, all the other stars surround it. -- ConfuciusKKThose who profess to favor freedom, and yet deprecate agitation, are men who want rain without thunder and lightning. They want the ocean without the roar of its many waters. -- Frederick Douglass JThose who have some means think that the most important thing in the world is love. The poor know that it is money. -- Gerald Brenan 1GtJ1Y/Under any conditions, anywhere, whatever you are doing, there is some ordinance under which you can be booked. -- Robert D. Sprecht, Rand Corp.}XUnder a government which imprisons any unjustly, the true place for a just man is also a prison. -- Henry David Thoreau W'Ubi non accusator, ibi non judex.' (Where there is no police, there is no speed limit.) -- Roman Law, trans. Petr Beckmann (1971)V'Two battleships assigned to the training squadron had been at sea on maneuvers in heavy weather for several days. I was serving on the lead battanUaTrue leadership is the art of changing a group from what it is to what it ought to be. -- Virginia Allan_TCTreaties are like roses and young girls -- they last while they last. -- Charles DeGaulleBS Travel important today; Internal Revenue men arrive tomorrow.qRgToo often I find that the volume of paper expands to fill the available briefcases. -- Governor Jerry Brownleship and was on watch on the bridge as night fell. The visibility was poor with patchy fog, so the Captain remained on the bridge keeping an eye on all activities. Shortly after dark, the lookout on the wing of the bridge reported, 'Light, bearing on the starboard bow.' 'Is it steady or moving astern?' the Captain called out. Lookout replied, 'Steady, Captain,' which meant we were on a dangerous collision course with that ship. The Captain then called to the signalman, 'Signal that ship: We are on a collision course, advise you change course 20 degrees.' Back came a signal 'Advisable for you to change course 20 degrees.' In reply, the Captain said, 'Send: I'm a Captain, change course 20 degrees!' 'I'm a seaman second class,' came the reply, 'You had better change course 20 degrees.' By that time, the Captain was furious. He spit out, 'Send: I'm a battleship, change course 20 degrees.' Back came the flashing light: 'I'm a lighthouse!' We changed course. -- The Naval Institute's 'Proceedings' _[_^%Unquestionably, there is progress. The average American now pays out twice as much in taxes as he formerly got in wages. -- H. L. Mencken ]Unknown person(s) stole the American flag from its pole in Etra Park sometime between 3pm Jan 17 and 11:30 am Jan 20. The flag is described as red, white and blue, having 50 stars and was valued at $40. -- Windsor-Heights Herald 'Police Blotter', Jan 28, 1987V\1United Nations, New York, December 25. The peace and joy of the Christmas season was marred by a proclamation of a general strike of all the military forces of the world. Panic reigns in the hearts of all the patriots of every persuasion. Meanwhile, fears of universal disaster sank to an all-time low over the world. -- Isaac Asimov:[{Under every stone lurks a politician. -- AristophaneseZOUnder capitalism, man exploits man. Under communism, it's just the opposite. -- J.K. Galbraith KNB(KGiWar hath no fury like a non-combatant. -- Charles Edward Montague2hkWar doesn't prove who's right, just who's left.g+Vote anarchist.FfViolence is the last refuge of the incompetent. -- Salvor Hardine5Violence is molding.IdViolence is a sword that has no handle -- you have to hold the blade.c'Violence accomplishes nothing.' What a contemptible lie! Raw, naked violence has settled more issues throughout history than any other method ever employed. Perhaps the city fathers of Carthage could debate the issue, with Hitler and Alexander as judges?b5Victory uber allies!a5Very few things happen at the right time, and the rest do not happen at all. The conscientious historian will correct these defects. -- HerodotusM`Veni, vidi, vici. [I came, I saw, I conquered]. -- Gaius Julius Caesar__CUsually, when a lot of men get together, it's called a war. -- Mel Brooks, 'The Listener' my$Kz mOt#We are all worms. But I do believe I am a glowworm. -- Winston ChurchillHsWe are all born equal... just some of us are more equal than others.mr_We all declare for liberty, but in using the same word we do not all mean the same thing. -- A. LincolnPq%Washington, D.C: Fifty square miles almost completely surrounded by reality.{p{[Washington, D.C.] is the home of... taste for the people -- the big, the bland and the banal. -- Ada Louise Huxtable64/,(&" }wqoha߂^ނX݂W܂SڂRقP؂IׂBւ8Ղ/ӂ*҂$тЂς΂͂ ˂ʂȁ|ƁyŁnāhcYSOMJHGFC>=7.)"{trqmlkd`VQPMLKJIHGC?<7410/.,+*)('#"! ~}|{z yxQ UyU"K1: No code table for op: ++post]?101 USES FOR A DEAD MICROPROCESSOR (1) Scarecrow for centipedes (2) Dead cat brush (3) Hair barrettes (4) Cleats (5) Self-piercing earrings (6) Fungus trellis (7) False eyelashes (8) Prosthetic dog claws . . . (99) Window garden harrow (pulled behind Tonka tractors) (100) Killer velcro (101) Currency%Q!07/11 PDP a ni deppart m'I !pleH U/4.2 BSD UNIX #57: Sun Jun 1 23:02:07 EDT 1986 You swing at the Sun. You miss. The Sun swings. He hits you with a 575MB disk! You read the 575MB disk. It is written in an alien tongue and cannot be read by your tired Sun-2 eyes. You throw the 575MB disk at the Sun. You hit! The Sun must repair your eyes. The Sun reads a scroll. He hits your 130MB disk! He has defeated the 130MB disk! The Sun reads a scroll. He hits your Ethernet board! He has defeated your Ethernet board! You read a scroll of 'postpone until Monday at 9 AM'. Everything goes dark... -- /etc/motd, cbosgd b):{A bug in the hand is better than one as yet undetected.7uA bug in the code is worth two in the documentation.hU... A booming voice says, 'Wrong, cretin!', and you notice that you have turned into a pile of dust.1gA biologist, a statistician, a mathematician and a computer scientist are on a photo-safari in Africa. As they're driving along the savannah in their jeep, they stop and scout the horizon with their binoculars. The biologist: 'Look! A herd of zebras! And there's a white zebra! Fantastic! We'll be famous!' The statistician: 'Hey, calm down, it's not significant. We only know there's one white zebra.' The mathematician: 'Actually, we only know there exists a zebra, which is white on one side.' The computer scientist : 'Oh, no! A special case!' xe O[A computer is] like an Old Testament god, with a lot of rules and no mercy. -- Joseph Campbelld MA complex system that works is invariably found to have evolved from a simple system that works. CA certain monk had a habit of pestering the Grand Tortue (the only one who had ever reached the Enlightenment 'Yond Enlightenment), by asking whether various objects had Buddha-nature or not. To such a question Tortue invariably sat silent. The monk had already asked about a bean, a lake, and a moonlit night. One day he brought to Tortue a piece of string, and asked the same question. In reply, the Grand Tortue grasped the loop between his feet and, with a few simple manipulations, created a complex string which he proferred wordlessly to the monk. At that moment, the monk was enlightened. From then on, the monk did not bother Tortue. Instead, he made string after string by Tortue's method; and he passed the method on to his own disciples, who passed it on to theirs. TgTHA computer scientist is someone who fixes things that aren't broken.F A computer salesman visits a company president for the purpose of selling the president one of the latest talking computers. Salesman: 'This machine knows everything. I can ask it any question and it'll give the correct answer. Computer, what is the speed of light?' Computer: 186,282 miles per second. Salesman: 'Who was the first president of the United States?' Computer: George Washington. President: 'I'm still not convinced. Let me ask a question. Where is my father?' Computer: Your father is fishing in Georgia. President: 'Hah!! The computer is wrong. My father died over twenty years ago!' Computer: Your mother's husband died 22 years ago. Your father just landed a twelve pound bass. 1A computer lets you make more mistakes faster than any other invention, with the possible exceptions of handguns and Tequilla. -- Mitch Ratcliffe [3k A disciple of another sect once came to Drescher as he was eating his morning meal. 'I would like to give you this personality test', said the outsider, 'because I want you to be happy.' Drescher took the paper that was offered him and put it into the toaster -- 'I wish the toaster to be happy too'.qgA debugged program is one for which you have not yet found the conditions that make it fail. -- Jerry Ogdin:{A CONS is an object which cares. -- Bernie Greenberg.gSA computer without COBOL and Fortran is like a piece of chocolate cake without ketchup and mustard. ,,Q' A doctor, an architect, and a computer scientist were arguing about whose profession was the oldest. In the course of their arguments, they got all the way back to the Garden of Eden, whereupon the doctor said, 'The medical profession is clearly the oldest, because Eve was made from Adam's rib, as the story goes, and that was a simply incredible surgical feat.' The architect did not agree. He said, 'But if you look at the Garden itself, in the beginning there was chaos and void, and out of that the Garden and the world were created. So God must have been an architect.' The computer scientist, who'd listened carefully to all of this, then commented, 'Yes, but where do you think the chaos came from?' ]s3]vqA language that doesn't have everything is actually easier to program in than some that do. -- Dennis M. Ritchie\=A language that doesn't affect the way you think about programming is not worth knowing.>A hacker does for love what others would not do for money.7uA Fortran compiler is the hobgoblin of little minis.GA formal parsing algorithm should not always be used. -- D. GriesA famous Lisp Hacker noticed an Undergraduate sitting in front of a Xerox 1108, trying to edit a complex Klone network via a browser. Wanting to help, the Hacker clicked one of the nodes in the network with the mouse, and asked 'what do you see?' Very earnestly, the Undergraduate replied 'I see a cursor.' The Hacker then quickly pressed the boot toggle at the back of the keyboard, while simultaneously hitting the Undergraduate over the head with a thick Interlisp Manual. The Undergraduate was then Enlightened. !)!C A little retrospection shows that although many fine, useful software systems have been designed by committees and built as part of multipart projects, those software systems that have excited passionate fans are those that are the products of one or a few designing minds, great designers. Consider Unix, APL, Pascal, Modula, the Smalltalk interface, even Fortran; and contrast them with Cobol, PL/I, Algol, MVS/370, and MS-DOS. -- Fred Brooks@A list is only as strong as its weakest link. -- Don Knuth^AA LISP programmer knows the value of everything, but the cost of nothing. -- Alan PerlisuoA large number of installed systems work by fiat. That is, they work by being declared to work. -- Anatol Holt ~~ A man from AI walked across the mountains to SAIL to see the Master, Knuth. When he arrived, the Master was nowhere to be found. 'Where is the wise one named Knuth?' he asked a passing student. 'Ah,' said the student, 'you have not heard. He has gone on a pilgrimage across the mountains to the temple of AI to seek out new disciples.' Hearing this, the man was Enlightened.   A manager asked a programmer how long it would take him to finish the program on which he was working. 'I will be finished tomorrow,' the programmer promptly replied. 'I think you are being unrealistic,' said the manager. 'Truthfully, how long will it take?' The programmer thought for a moment. 'I have some features that I wish to add. This will take at least two weeks,' he finally said. 'Even that is too much to expect,' insisted the manager, 'I will be satisfied if you simply tell me when the program is complete.' The programmer agreed to this. Several years later, the manager retired. On the way to his retirement lunch, he discovered the programmer asleep at his terminal. He had been programming all night. -- Geoffrey James, 'The Tao of Programming' R ) A manager was about to be fired, but a programmer who worked for him invented a new program that became popular and sold well. As a result, the manager retained his job. The manager tried to give the programmer a bonus, but the programmer refused it, saying, 'I wrote the program because I though it was an interesting concept, and thus I expect no reward.' The manager, upon hearing this, remarked, 'This programmer, though he holds a position of small esteem, understands well the proper duty of an employee. Lets promote him to the exalted position of management consultant!' But when told this, the programmer once more refused, saying, 'I exist so that I can program. If I were promoted, I would do nothing but waste everyone's time. Can I go now? I have a program that I'm working on.' -- Geoffrey James, 'The Tao of Programming'  ! A manager went to his programmers and told them: 'As regards to your work hours: you are going to have to come in at nine in the morning and leave at five in the afternoon.' At this, all of them became angry and several resigned on the spot. So the manager said: 'All right, in that case you may set your own working hours, as long as you finish your projects on schedule.' The programmers, now satisfied, began to come in a noon and work to the wee hours of the morning. -- Geoffrey James, 'The Tao of Programming' yy" A manager went to the master programmer and showed him the requirements document for a new application. The manager asked the master: 'How long will it take to design this system if I assign five programmers to it?' 'It will take one year,' said the master promptly. 'But we need this system immediately or even sooner! How long will it take it I assign ten programmers to it?' The master programmer frowned. 'In that case, it will take two years.' 'And what if I assign a hundred programmers to it?' The master programmer shrugged. 'Then the design will never be completed,' he said. -- Geoffrey James, 'The Tao of Programming' ^#A A master programmer passed a novice programmer one day. The master noted the novice's preoccupation with a hand-held computer game. 'Excuse me', he said, 'may I examine it?' The novice bolted to attention and handed the device to the master. 'I see that the device claims to have three levels of play: Easy, Medium, and Hard', said the master. 'Yet every such device has another level of play, where the device seeks not to conquer the human, nor to be conquered by the human.' 'Pray, great master,' implored the novice, 'how does one find this mysterious setting?' The master dropped the device to the ground and crushed it under foot. And suddenly the novice was enlightened. -- Geoffrey James, 'The Tao of Programming' %%p'e *** A NEW KIND OF PROGRAMMING *** Do you want the instant respect that comes from being able to u/&eA nasty looking dwarf throws a knife at you.%?A modem is a baudy house.$; A master was explaining the nature of Tao to one of his novices. 'The Tao is embodied in all software -- regardless of how insignificant,' said the master. 'Is Tao in a hand-held calculator?' asked the novice. 'It is,' came the reply. 'Is the Tao in a video game?' continued the novice. 'It is even in a video game,' said the master. 'And is the Tao in the DOS for a personal computer?' The master coughed and shifted his position slightly. 'The lesson is over for today,' he said. -- Geoffrey James, 'The Tao of Programming'se technical terms that nobody understands? Do you want to strike fear and loathing into the hearts of DP managers everywhere? If so, then let the Famous Programmers' School lead you on... into the world of professional computer programming. They say a good programmer can write 20 lines of effective program per day. With our unique training course, we'll show you how to write 20 lines of code and lots more besides. Our training course covers every programming language in existence, and some that aren't. You'll learn why the on/off switch for a computer is so important, what the words *fatal error* mean, and who and what you should blame when you make a mistake. Yes, I want the brochure describing this incredible offer. I enclose $1000 is small unmarked bills to cover the cost of postage and handling. (No live poultry, please.) *** Our Slogan: Top down programming for the masses. *** ((U(/ A novice asked the Master: 'Here is a programmer that never designs, documents, or tests his programs. Yet all who know him consider him one of the best programmers in the world. Why is this?' The Master replies: 'That programmer has mastered the Tao. He has gone beyond the need for design; he does not become angry when the system crashes, but accepts the universe without concern. He has gone beyond the need for documentation; he no longer cares if anyone else sees his code. He has gone beyond the need for testing; each of his programs are perfect within themselves, serene and elegant, their purpose self-evident. Truly, he has entered the mystery of the Tao.' -- Geoffrey James, 'The Tao of Programming'  ) A novice asked the master: 'I have a program that sometimes runs and sometimes aborts. I have followed the rules of programming, yet I am totally baffled. What is the reason for this?' The master replied: 'You are confused because you do not understand the Tao. Only a fool expects rational behavior from his fellow humans. Why do you expect it from a machine that humans have constructed? Computers simulate determinism; only the Tao is perfect. The rules of programming are transitory; only the Tao is eternal. Therefore you must contemplate the Tao before you receive enlightenment.' 'But how will I know when I have received enlightenment?' asked the novice. 'Your program will then run correctly,' replied the master. -- Geoffrey James, 'The Tao of Programming' ww* A novice asked the master: 'I perceive that one computer company is much larger than all others. It towers above its competition like a giant among dwarfs. Any one of its divisions could comprise an entire business. Why is this so?' The master replied, 'Why do you ask such foolish questions? That company is large because it is so large. If it only made hardware, nobody would buy it. If it only maintained systems, people would treat it like a servant. But because it combines all of these things, people think it one of the gods! By not seeking to strive, it conquers without effort.' -- Geoffrey James, 'The Tao of Programming' e+O A novice asked the master: 'In the east there is a great tree-structure that men call 'Corporate Headquarters'. It is bloated out of shape with vice-presidents and accountants. It issues a multitude of memos, each saying 'Go, Hence!' or 'Go, Hither!' and nobody knows what is meant. Every year new names are put onto the branches, but all to no avail. How can such an unnatural entity exist?' The master replies: 'You perceive this immense structure and are disturbed that it has no rational purpose. Can you not take amusement from its endless gyrations? Do you not enjoy the untroubled ease of programming beneath its sheltering branches? Why are you bothered by its uselessness?' -- Geoffrey James, 'The Tao of Programming' ),W A novice of the temple once approached the Chief Priest with a question. 'Master, does Emacs have the Buddha nature?' the novice asked. The Chief Priest had been in the temple for many years and could be relied upon to know these things. He thought for several minutes before replying. 'I don't see why not. It's got bloody well everything else.' With that, the Chief Priest went to lunch. The novice suddenly achieved enlightenment, several years later. Commentary: His Master is kind, Answering his FAQ quickly, With thought and sarcasm. ..a A novice was trying to fix a broken lisp machine by turning the power off and on. Knight, seeing what the student was doing spoke sternly, 'You cannot fix a machine by just power-cycling it with no understanding of what is going wrong.' Knight turned the machine off and on. The machine worked.-3 A novice programmer was once assigned to code a simple financial package. The novice worked furiously for many days, but when his master reviewed his program, he discovered that it contained a screen editor, a set of generalized graphics routines, and artificial intelligence interface, but not the slightest mention of anything financial. When the master asked about this, the novice became indignant. 'Don't be so impatient,' he said, 'I'll put the financial stuff in eventually.' -- Geoffrey James, 'The Tao of Programming' RR+/[A person who is more than casually interested in computers should be well schooled in machine language, since it is a fundamental part of a computer. -- Donald Knuth H0 A program should be light and agile, its subroutines connected like a strings of pearls. The spirit and intent of the program should be retained throughout. There should be neither too little nor too much, neither needless loops nor useless variables, neither lack of structure nor overwhelming rigidity. A program should follow the 'Law of Least Astonishment'. What is this law? It is simply that the program should always respond to the user in the way that astonishes him least. A program, no matter how complex, should act as a single unit. The program should be directed by the logic within rather than by outward appearances. If the program fails in these requirements, it will be in a state of disorder and confusion. The only way to correct this is to rewrite the program. -- Geoffrey James, 'The Tao of Programming' &1Q A programmer from a very large computer company went to a software conference and then returned to report to his manager, saying: 'What sort of programmers work for other companies? They behaved badly and were unconcerned with appearances. Their hair was long and unkempt and their clothes were wrinkled and old. They crashed out hospitality suites and they made rude noises during my presentation.' The manager said: 'I should have never sent you to the conference. Those programmers live beyond the physical world. They consider life absurd, an accidental coincidence. They come and go without knowing limitations. Without a care, they live only for their programs. Why should they bother with social conventions?' 'They are alive within the Tao.' -- Geoffrey James, 'The Tao of Programming' ;4?A recent study has found that concentrating on difficult off-screen objects, such as the faces of loved ones, causes eye strain in computer scientists. Researchers into the phenomenon cite the added concentration needed to 'make sense' of such unnatural three dimensional objects.^3AA programming language is low level when its programs require attention to the irrelevant.b2IA programmer is a person who passes as an exacting expert on the basis of being able to turn out, after innumerable punching, an infinite series of incomprehensible answers calculated with micrometric precisions from vague assumptions based on debatable figures taken from inconclusive documents and carried out on instruments of problematical accuracy by persons of dubious reliability and questionable mentality for the avowed purpose of annoying and confounding a hopelessly defenseless department that was unfortunate enough to ask for the information in the first place. -- IEEE Grid newsmagazine ttK7A student, in hopes of understanding the Lambda-nature, came to Greenblatt. As they spoke a Multics system hacker walked by. 'Is it true', asked the student, 'that PL-1 has many of the same data types as Lisp?' Almost before the student had finished his question, Greenblatt shouted, 'FOO!', and hit the student with a stick.6% A sheet of paper crossed my desk the other day and as I read it, realization of a basic truth came over me. So simple! So obvious we couldn't see it. John Knivlen, Chairman of Polamar Repeater Club, an amateur radio group, had discovered how IC circuits work. He says that smoke is the thing that makes ICs work because every time you let the smoke out of an IC circuit, it stops working. He claims to have verified this with thorough testing. I was flabbergasted! Of course! Smoke makes all things electrical work. Re!5IA rolling disk gathers no MOS.member the last time smoke escaped from your Lucas voltage regulator Didn't it quit working? I sat and smiled like an idiot as more of the truth dawned. It's the wiring harness that carries the smoke from one device to another in your Mini, MG or Jag. And when the harness springs a leak, it lets the smoke out of everything at once, and then nothing works. The starter motor requires large quantities of smoke to operate properly, and that's why the wire going to it is so large. Feeling very smug, I continued to expand my hypothesis. Why are Lucas electronics more likely to leak than say Bosch? Hmmm... Aha!!! Lucas is British, and all things British leak! British convertible tops leak water, British engines leak oil, British displacer units leak hydrostatic fluid, and I might add Brititsh tires leak air, and the British defense unit leaks secrets... so naturally British electronics leak smoke. -- Jack Banton, PCC Automotive Electrical School [Ummm ... IC circuits? Integrated circuit circuits?] %9%e<OAdding features does not necessarily increase functionality -- it just makes the manuals thicker.*;YAbout the use of language: it is impossible to sharpen a pencil with a blunt ax. It is equally vain to try to do it with ten blunt axes instead. -- Edsger DijkstraQ:'A year spent in artificial intelligence is enough to make one believe in God.{9{A well-used door needs no oil on its hinges. A swift-flowing steam does not grow stagnant. Neither sound nor thoughts can travel through a vacuum. Software rots if not used. These are great mysteries. -- Geoffrey James, 'The Tao of Programming't8mA successful [software] tool is one that was used to do something undreamed of by its author. -- S. C. Johnson 1 1W?3Alan Turing thought about criteria to settle the question of whether machines can think, a question of which we now know that it is about as relevant as the question of whether submarines can swim. -- Dijkstra#>K After sifting through the overwritten remaining blocks of Luke's home directory, Luke and PDP-1 sped away from /u/lars, across the surface of the Winchester riding Luke's flying read/write head. PDP-1 had Luke stop at the edge of the cylinder overlooking /usr/spool/uucp. 'Unix-to-Unix Copy Program;' said PDP-1. 'You will never find a more wretched hive of bugs and flamers. We must be cautious.' -- DECWARSL=Adding manpower to a late software project makes it later. -- F. Brooks, 'The Mythical Man-Month' Whenever one person is found adequate to the discharge of a duty by close application thereto, it is worse execute by two persons and scarcely done at all if three or more are employed therein. -- George Washington, 1732-1799 nC)All parts should go together without forcing. You must remember that the parts you are reassembling were disassembled by you. Therefore, if you can't get them together again, there must be a reason. By all means, do not use a hammer. -- IBM maintenance manual, 1925KB=== ALL CSH USERS PLEASE NOTE ======================== Set the variable $LOSERS to all the people that you think are losers. This will cause all said losers to have the variable $PEOPLE-WHO-THINK-I-AM-A-LOSER updated in their .login file. Should you attempt to execute a job on a machine with poor response time and a machine on your local net is currently populated by losers, that machine will be freed up for your job through a cold boot process.AEAll constants are variables.o@cAlgol-60 surely must be regarded as the most important programming language yet developed. -- T. Cheatham -GaAll the simple programs have been written.FF'... all the good computer designs are bootlegged; the formally planned products, if they are built at all, are dogs!' -- David E. Lundstrom, 'A Few Good Men From Univac', MIT Press, 1987GEAll programmers are playwrights and all computers are lousy actors.D;All programmers are optimists. Perhaps this modern sorcery especially attracts those who believe in happy endings and fairy godmothers. Perhaps the hundreds of nitty frustrations drive away all but those who habitually focus on the end goal. Perhaps it is merely that computers are young, programmers are younger, and the young are always optimists. But however the selection process works, the result is indisputable: 'This time it will surely run,' or 'I just found the last bug.' -- Frederick Brooks, 'The Mythical Man Month' jHY=== ALL USERS PLEASE NOTE ======================== A new system, the CIRCULATORY system, has been added. The long-experimental CIRCULATORY system has been released to users. The Lisp Machine uses Type B fluid, the L machine uses Type A fluid. When the switch to Common Lisp occurs both machines will, of course, be Type O. Please check fluid level by using the DIP stick which is located in the back of VMI monitors. Unchecked low fluid levels can cause poor paging performance.  I=== ALL USERS PLEASE NOTE ======================== Bug reports now amount to an average of 12,853 per day. Unfortunately, this is only a small fraction [ < 1% ] of the mail volume we receive. In order that we may more expeditiously deal with these valuable messages, please communicate them by one of the following paths: ARPA: WastebasketSLMHQ.ARPA UUCP: [berkeley, seismo, harpo]!fubar!thekid!slmhq!wastebasket Non-network sites: Federal Express to: Wastebasket Room NE43-926 Copernicus, The Moon, 12345-6789 For that personal contact feeling call 1-415-642-4948; our trained operators are on call 24 hours a day. VISA/MC accepted.* * Our very rich lawyers have assured us that we are not responsible for any errors or advice given over the phone. J9=== ALL USERS PLEASE NOTE ======================== CAR and CDR now return extra values. The function CAR now returns two values. Since it has to go to the trouble to figure out if the object is carcdr-able anyway, we figured you might as well get both halves at once. For example, the following code shows how to destructure a cons (SOME-CONS) into its two slots (THE-CAR and THE-CDR): (MULTIPLE-VALUE-BIND (THE-CAR THE-CDR) (CAR SOME-CONS) ...) For symmetry with CAR, CDR returns a second value which is the CAR of the object. In a related change, the functions MAKE-ARRAY and CONS have been fixed so they don't allocate any storage except on the stack. This should hopefully help people who don't like using the garbage collector because it cold boots the machine so often. >K=== ALL USERS PLEASE NOTE ======================== Compiler optimizations have been made to macro expand LET into a WITHOUT- INTERRUPTS special form so that it can PUSH things into a stack in the LET-OPTIMIZATION area, SETQ the variables and then POP them back when it's done. Don't worry about this unless you use multiprocessing. Note that LET *could* have been defined by: (LET ((LET '`(LET ((LET ',LET)) ,LET))) `(LET ((LET ',LET)) ,LET)) This is believed to speed up execution by as much as a factor of 1.01 or 3.50 depending on whether you believe our friendly marketing representatives. This code was written by a new programmer here (we snatched him away from Itty Bitti Machines where he was writing COUGHBOL code) so to give him confidence we trusted his vows of 'it works pretty well' and installed it. 3Lk=== ALL USERS PLEASE NOTE ======================== JCL support as alternative to system menu. In our continuing effort to support languages other than LISP on the CADDR, we have developed an OS/360-compatible JCL. This can be used as an alternative to the standard system menu. Type System J to get to a JCL interactive read-execute-diagnose loop window. [Note that for 360 compatibility, all input lines are truncated to 80 characters.] This window also maintains a mouse-sensitive display of critical job parameters such as dataset allocation, core allocation, channels, etc. When a JCL syntax error is detected or your job ABENDs, the window-oriented JCL debugger is entered. The JCL debugger displays appropriate OS/360 error messages (such as IEC703, 'disk error') and allows you to dequeue your job. llM'=== ALL USERS PLEASE NOTE ======================== The garbage collector now works. In addition a new, experimental garbage collection algorithm has been installed. With SI:%DSK-GC-QLX-BITS set to 17, (NOT the default) the old garbage collection algorithm remains in force; when virtual storage is filled, the machine cold boots itself. With SI:%DSK-GC- QLX-BITS set to 23, the new garbage collector is enabled. Unlike most garbage collectors, the new gc starts its mark phase from the mind of the user, rather than from the obarray. This allows the garbage collection of significantly more Qs. As the garbage collector runs, it may ask you something like 'Do you remember what SI:RDTBL-TRANS does?', and if you can't give a reasonable answer in thirty seconds, the symbol becomes a candidate for GCing. The variable SI:%GC-QLX-LUSER-TM governs how long the GC waits before timing out the user. oPcAlmost anything derogatory you could say about today's software design would be accurate. -- K.E. Iverson5OqAll your files have been destroyed (sorry). Paul.;N{=== ALL USERS PLEASE NOTE ======================== There has been some confusion concerning MAPCAR. (DEFUN MAPCAR (&FUNCTIONAL FCN &EVAL &REST LISTS) (PROG (V P LP) (SETQ P (LOCF V)) L (SETQ LP LISTS) (%START-FUNCTION-CALL FCN T (LENGTH LISTS) NIL) L1 (OR LP (GO L2)) (AND (NULL (CAR LP)) (RETURN V)) (%PUSH (CAAR LP)) (RPLACA LP (CDAR LP)) (SETQ LP (CDR LP)) (GO L1) L2 (%FINISH-FUNCTION-CALL FCN T (LENGTH LISTS) NIL) (SETQ LP (%POP)) (RPLACD P (SETQ P (NCONS LP))) (GO L))) We hope this clears up the many questions we've had about it. QAlthough it is still a truism in industry that 'no one was ever fired for buying IBM,' Bill O'Neil, the chief technology officer at Drexel Burnham Lambert, says he knows for a fact that someone has been fired for just that reason. He knows it because he fired the guy. 'He made a bad decision, and what it came down to was, 'Well, I bought it because I figured it was safe to buy IBM,'' Mr. O'Neil says. 'I said, 'No. Wrong. Game over. Next contestant, please.'' -- The Wall Street Journal, December 6, 1989 E(E V... an anecdote from IBM's Yorktown Heights Research Center. When a programmer used his new comput character? Is there something else that must be done? wtsAs soon as we started programming, we found to our surprise that it wasn't as easy to get programs right as we had thought. Debugging had to be discovered. I can remember the exact instant when I realized that a large part of my life from then on was going to be spent in finding mistakes in my own programs. -- Maurice Wilkes, designer of EDSAC, on programming, 1949esOAs part of the conversion, computer specialists rewrote 1,500 programs; a process that traditionally requires some debugging. -- USA Today, referring to the Internal Revenue Service conversion to a new computer system. ~+{Assembly language experience is [important] for the maturity and understanding of how computers work that it provides. -- D. Gries*z[Ask not for whom the tolls.yCASHes to ASHes, DOS to DOS.5xqASCII a stupid question, you get an EBCDIC answer.Qw'As Will Rogers would have said, 'There is no such things as a free variable.'v;As the trials of life continue to take their toll, remember that there is always a future in Computer Maintenance. -- National Lampoon, 'Deteriorata'auGAs the system comes up, the component builders will from time to time appear, bearing hot new versions of their pieces -- faster, smaller, more complete, or putatively less buggy. The replacement of a working component by a new version requires the same systematic testing procedure that adding a new component does, although it should require less time, for more complete and efficient test cases will usually be available. -- Frederick Brooks Jr., 'The Mythical Man Month' X5nXABasic is a high level languish. APL is a high level anguish./eAvoid strange women and temporary variables.=At the source of every error which is blamed on the computer you will find at least two human errors, including the error of blaming it on the computer.'SAt Group L, Stoffel oversees six first-rate programmers, a managerial challenge roughly comparable to herding cats. -- The Washington Post Magazine, 9 June, 1985~9At first sight, the idea of any rules or principles being superimposed on the creative mind seems more likely to hinder than to help, but this is quite untrue in practice. Disciplined thinking focuses inspiration rather than blinkers it. -- G.L. Glegg, 'The Design of Design'_}CAt about 2500 A.D., humankind discovers a computer problem that *must* be solved. The only difficu[|;Asynchronous inputs are at the root of our race problems. -- D. Winker and F. Prosserlty is that the problem is NP complete and will take thousands of years even with the latest optical biologic technology available. The best computer scientists sit down to think up some solution. In great dismay, one of the C.S. people tells her husband about it. There is only one solution, he says. Remember physics 103, Modern Physics, general relativity and all. She replies, 'What does that have to do with solving a computer problem?' 'Remember the twin paradox?' After a few minutes, she says, 'I could put the computer on a very fast machine and the computer would have just a few minutes to calculate but that is the exact opposite of what we want... Of course! Leave the computer here, and accelerate the earth!' The problem was so important that they did exactly that. When the earth came back, they were presented with the answer: IEH032 Error in JOB Control Card. #a@r #`EBoth models are identical in performance, functional operation, and interface circuit details. The two models, however, are not compatible on the same communications line connection. -- Bell System Technical Reference 3BLISS is ignorance.O #Blinding speed can compensate for a lot of deficiencies. -- David Nichols =Beware the new TTY code!b IBeware of the Turing Tar-pit in which everything is possible but nothing of interest is easy.H Beware of Programmers who carry screwdrivers. -- Leonard BrandweindMBeware of bugs in the above code; I have only proved it correct, not tried it. -- Donald Knuth0gBell Labs Unix -- Reach out and grep someone.9yBehind every great computer sits a skinny little geek.HBe careful when a loop exits to the same place from side and bottom.P%BASIC is to computer programming as QWERTY is to typing. -- Seymour PapertIBASIC is the Computer Science equivalent of `Scientific Creationism'. 6_6P%Build a system that even a fool can use and only a fool will want to use it.cKBringing computers into the home won't change either one, but may revitalize the corner saloon.l] Brian Kernighan has an automobile which he helped design. Unlike most automobiles, it has neither speedometer, nor gas gauge, nor any of the numerous idiot lights which plague the modern driver. Rather, if the driver makes any mistake, a giant '?' lights up in the center of the dashboard. 'The experienced driver', he says, 'will usually know what's wrong.'GBreadth-first search is the bulldozer of science. -- Randy GoebelABrain fried -- Core dumped3kBrace yourselves. We're about to try something that borders on the unique: an actually rather serious technical book which is not only (gasp) vehemently anti-Solemn, but also (shudder) takes sides. I tend to think of it as `Constructive Snottiness.' -- Mike Padlipsky, 'Elements of Networking Style' nsO#'But what we need to know is, do people want nasally-insertable computers?'{{But this has taken us far afield from interface, which is not a bad place to be, since I particularly want to move ahead to the kludge. Why do people have so much trouble understanding the kludge? What is a kludge, after all, but not enough K's, not enough ROM's, not enough RAM's, poor quality interface and too few bytes to go around? Have I explained yet about the bytes?wsBut in our enthusiasm, we could not resist a radical overhaul of the system, in which all of its major weaknesses have been exposed, analyzed, and replaced with new weaknesses. -- Bruce Leverett, 'Register Allocation in Optimizing Compilers'.cBus error -- please leave by the rear door. GBus error -- driver executed.;}Building translators is good clean fun. -- T. Cheatham 0:pt0A"C++ is the best example of second-system effect since OS/360.]!?C'est magnifique, mais ce n'est pas l'Informatique. -- Bosquet [on seeing the IBM 4341] 5C makes it easy for you to shoot yourself in the foot. C++ makes that harder, but when you do, it blows away your whole leg. -- Bjarne Stroustrup+C for yourself.2kC Code. C Code Run. Run, Code, RUN! PLEASE!!!!/Byte your tongue.fQBYTE editors are people who separate the wheat from the chaff, and then carefully print the chaff.B By long-standing tradition, I take this opportunity to savage other designers in the thin disguise of good, clean fun. -- P.J. Plauger, 'Computer Language', 1988, April Fool's column. <gb<#)MCenter meeting at 4pm in 2C-543.F(CCI Power 6/40: one board, a megabyte of cache, and an attitude...2'kCChheecckk yyoouurr dduupplleexx sswwiittcchh..5&qCan't open /usr/share/games/fortunes/fortunes.dat.L%Can't open /usr/share/games/fortunes/fortunes. Lid stuck on cookie jar..$cCalm down, it's *____only* ones and zeroes.d#M... C++ offers even more flexible control over the visibility of member objects and member functions. Specifically, members may be placed in the public, private, or protected parts of a class. Members declared in the public parts are visible to all clients; members declared in the private parts are fully encapsulated; and members declared in the protected parts are visible only to the class itself and its subclasses. C++ also supports the notion of *_______friends*: cooperative classes that are permitted to see each other's private parts. -- Grady Booch, 'Object Oriented Design with Applications' e7!.GComparing software engineering to classical engineering assumes that software has the ability to wear out. Software typically behaves, or it does not. It either works, or it does not. Software generally does not degrade, abrade, stretch, twist, or ablate. To treat it as a physical entity, therefore, is misapplication of our engineering skills. Classical engineering deals with the characteristics of hardware; software engineering should deal with the characteristics of *software*, and not with hardware or management. -- Dan Kleinl-]Coding is easy; All you do is sit staring at a terminal until the drops of blood form on your forehead.+,]Cobol programmers are down in the dumps.*+[COBOL is for morons. -- E.W. Dijkstrak*[Civilization, as we know it, will end sometime this evening. See SYSNOTE tomorrow for more information. Wp=#W 7Computers are unreliable, but humans are even more unreliable. Any system which depends on human reliability is unreliable. -- Gilb<6Computers are not intelligent. They only think they are.5 Computer Science is the only discipline in which we view adding a new wing to a building as being maintenance -- Jim HorningP4%Computer Science is merely the post-Turing decline in formal systems theory.>3Computer programs expand so as to fill the core available.I2Computer programmers never die, they just get lost in the processing.+1]Computer programmers do it byte by byte.50o... computer hardware progress is so fast. No other technology since civilization began has seen six orders of magnitude in performance-price gain in 30 years. -- Fred Brooks /COMPASS [for the CDC-6000 series] is the sort of assembler one expects from a corporation whose president codes in octal. -- J.N. Gray B#=KCongratulations! You are the one-millionth user to log into our system. If there's anything special we can do for you, anything at all, don't hesitate to ask!A<Conceptual integrity in turn dictates that the design must proceed from one mind, or from a very small number of agreeing resonant minds. -- Frederick Brooks Jr., 'The Mythical Man Month'm;_Computers will not be perfected until they can compute how much more than the estimate the job will cost.M:Computers don't actually think. You just think they think. (We think.)j9YComputers can figure out all kinds of problems, except the things in the world that just don't add up.N8!Computers are useless. They can only give you answers. -- Pablo Picasso 55G> Cosmotronic Software Unlimited Inc. does not warrant that the functions contained in the program will meet your requirements or that the operation of the program will be uninterrupted or error-free. However, Cosmotronic Software Unlimited Inc. warrants the diskette(s) on which the program is furnished to be of black color and square shape under normal use for a period of ninety (90) days from the date of purchase. NOTE: IN NO EVENT WILL COSMOTRONIC SOFTWARE UNLIMITED OR ITS DISTRIBUTORS AND THEIR DEALERS BE LIABLE TO YOU FOR ANY DAMAGES, INCLUDING ANY LOST PROFIT, LOST SAVINGS, LOST PATIENCE OR OTHER INCIDENTAL OR CONSEQUENTIAL DAMAGES. -- Horstmann Software Design, the 'ChiWriter' user manual &OR&)CYCrazee Edeee, his prices are INSANE!!!B'[Crash programs] fail because they are based on the theory that, with nine women pregnant, you can get a baby a month. -- Wernher von BrauneAOCounting in octal is just like counting in decimal--if you don't use your thumbs. -- Tom Lehrere@OCounting in binary is just like counting in decimal -- if you are all thumbs. -- Glaser and WayE?Couldn't we jury-rig the cat to act as an audio switch, and have it yell at people to save their core images before logging them out? I'm sure the cattle prod would be effective in this regard. In any case, a traverse mounted iguana, while more perverted, gives better traction, not to mention being easier to stake. ~CF %DCL-MEM-BAD, bad memory VMS-F-PDGERS, pudding between the ears~ECreating computer software is always a demanding and painstaking process -- an exercise in logic, clear expression, and almost fanatical attention to detail. It requires intelligence, dedication, and an enormous amount of hard work. But, a certain amount of unpredictable and often unrepeatable inspiration is what usually makes the difference between adequacy and excellence.~DCreating computer software is always a demanding and painstaking process -- an exercise in logic, clear expression, and almost fanatical attention to detail. It requires intelligence, dedication, and an enormous amount of hard work. But, a certain amount of unpredictable and often unrepeatable inspiration is what usually makes the difference between adequacy and excellence. G#Dear Emily, what about test messages? -- Concerned Dear Concerned: It is important, when testing, to test the entire net. Never test merely a subnet distribution when the whole net can be done. Also put 'please ignore' on your test messages, since we all know that everybody always skips a message with a line like that. Don't use a subject like 'My sex is female but I demand to be addressed as male.' because such articles are read in depth by all USEnauts. -- Emily Postnews Answers Your Questions on Netiquette ]H?Dear Emily: How can I choose what groups to post in? -- Confused Dear Confused: Pick as many as you can, so that you get the widest audience. After all, the net exists to give you an audience. Ignore those who suggest you should only use groups where you think the article is highly appropriate. Pick all groups where anybody might even be slightly interested. Always make sure followups go to all the groups. In the rare event that you post a followup which contains something original, make sure you expand the list of groups. Never include a 'Followup-to:' line in the header, since some people might miss part of the valuable discussion in the fringe groups. -- Emily Postnews Answers Your Questions on Netiquette J#JKDear Emily: I recently read an article that said, 'reply by mail, I'll summarize.' What should I do? -- Doubtful Dear Doubtful: Post your response to the whole net. That request applies only to dumb people who don't have something interesting to say. Your postings are much more worthwhile than other people's, so it would be a waste to reply by mail. -- Emily Postnews Answers Your Questions on Netiquette2IiDear Emily: I collected replies to an article I wrote, and now it's time to summarize. What should I do? -- Editor Dear Editor: Simply concatenate all the articles together into a big file and post that. On USENET, this is known as a summary. It lets people read all the replies without annoying newsreaders getting in the way. Do the same when summarizing a vote. -- Emily Postnews Answers Your Questions on Netiquette ]M?Dear Emily: I'm still confused as to what groups articles should be posted to. How about an example? -- Still Confused Dear Still: Ok. Let's say you want to report that Gretzky has been traded from the Oilers to the Kings. Now right away you might think rec.sport.hockey would be enough. WRONG. Many more people might be interested. This GLDear Emily: I'm having a serious disagreement with somebody on the net. I tried complaints to his  KDear Emily: I saw a long article that I wish to rebut carefully, what should I do? -- Angry Dear Angry: Include the entire text with your article, and include your comments between the lines. Be sure to post, and not mail, even though your article looks like a reply to the original. Everybody *loves* to read those long point-by-point debates, especially when they evolve into name-calling and lots of 'Is too!' -- 'Is not!' -- 'Is too, twizot!' exchanges. -- Emily Postnews Answers Your Questions on Netiquettesysadmin, organizing mail campaigns, called for his removal from the net and phoning his employer to get him fired. Everybody laughed at me. What can I do? -- A Concerned Citizen Dear Concerned: Go to the daily papers. Most modern reporters are top-notch computer experts who will understand the net, and your problems, perfectly. They will print careful, reasoned stories without any errors at all, and surely represent the situation properly to the public. The public will also all act wisely, as they are also fully cognizant of the subtle nature of net society. Papers never sensationalize or distort, so be sure to point out things like racism and sexism wherever they might exist. Be sure as well that they understand that all things on the net, particularly insults, are meant literally. Link what transpires on the net to the causes of the Holocaust, if possible. If regular papers won't take the story, go to a tabloid paper -- they are always interested in good stories.is a big trade! Since it's a NEWS article, it belongs in the news.* hierarchy as well. If you are a news admin, or there is one on your machine, try news.admin. If not, use news.misc. The Oilers are probably interested in geology, so try sci.physics. He is a big star, so post to sci.astro, and sci.space because they are also interested in stars. Next, his name is Polish sounding. So post to soc.culture.polish. But that group doesn't exist, so cross-post to news.groups suggesting it should be created. With this many groups of interest, your article will be quite bizarre, so post to talk.bizarre as well. (And post to comp.std.mumps, since they hardly get any articles there, and a 'comp' group will propagate your article further.) You may also find it is more fun to post the article once in each group. If you list all the newsgroups in the same article, some newsreaders will only show the the article to the reader once! Don't tolerate this. -- Emily Postnews Answers Your Questions on Netiquette ,,O-Dear Ms. Postnews: I couldn't get mail through to somebody on another site. What should I do? -- Eager Beaver Dear Eager: No problem, just po0NeDear Emily: Today I posted an article and forgot to include my signature. What should I do? -- Forgetful Dear Forgetful: Rush to your terminal right away and post an article that says, 'Oops, I forgot to post my signature with that last article. Here it is.' Since most people will have forgotten your earlier article, (particularly since it dared to be so boring as to not have a nice, juicy signature) this will remind them of it. Besides, people care much more about the signature anyway. -- Emily Postnews Answers Your Questions on Netiquettest your message to a group that a lot of people read. Say, 'This is for John Smith. I couldn't get mail through so I'm posting it. All others please ignore.' This way tens of thousands of people will spend a few seconds scanning over and ignoring your article, using up over 16 man-hours their collective time, but you will be saved the terrible trouble of checking through usenet maps or looking for alternate routes. Just think, if you couldn't distribute your message to 9000 other computers, you might actually have to (gasp) call directory assistance for 60 cents, or even phone the person. This can cost as much as a few DOLLARS (!) for a 5 minute call! And certainly it's better to spend 10 to 20 dollars of other people's money distributing the message than for you to have to waste $9 on an overnight letter, or even 25 cents on a stamp! Don't forget. The world will end if your message doesn't get through, so post it as many places as you can. -- Emily Postnews Answers Your Questions on Netiquette |S}#define BITCOUNT(x) (((BX_(x)+(BX_(x)>>4)) & 0x0F0F0F0F) percent 255) #define BX_(x) ((x) - (((x)>>1)&0x77777777) - (((x)>>2)&0x33333333) - (((x)>>3)&0x11111111)) -- really weird C code to count the number of bits in a word?RDEC diagnostics would run on a dead whale. -- Mel Ferentz!QIDebug is human, de-fix divine.hPUDear Sir, I am firmly opposed to the spread of microchips either to the home or to the office, We have more than enough of them foisted upon us in public places. They are a disgusting Americanism, and can only result in the farmers being forced to grow smaller potatoes, which in turn will cause massive un- employment in the already severely depressed agricultural industry. Yours faithfully, Capt. Quinton D'Arcy, J.P. Sevenoaks -- Letters To The Editor, The Times of London mtm$YODisc space -- the final frontier!@XDigital circuits are made from analog parts. -- Don Vonada?WDifferent all twisty a of in maze are you, passages little.XV5Did you know that for the price of a 280-Z you can buy two Z-80's? -- P.J. Plauger1UiDeliver yesterday, code today, think tomorrow.TT-(defun NF (a c) (cond ((null c) () ) ((atom (car c)) (append (list (eval (list 'getchar (list (car c) 'a) (cadr c)))) (nf a (cddr c)))) (t (append (list (implode (nf a (car c)))) (nf a (cdr c)))))) (defun AD (want-job challenging boston-area) (cond ((or (not (equal want-job 'yes)) (not (equal boston-area 'yes)) (lessp challenging 7)) () ) (t (append (nf (get 'ad 'expr) '((caaddr 1 caadr 2 car 1 car 1) (car 5 cadadr 9 cadadr 8 cadadr 9 caadr 4 car 2 car 1) (car 2 caadr 4))) (list '851-5071x2661))))) ;;; We are an affirmative action employer. g<?c *** DO YOU HAVE A RESTLESS URGE TO PROGRAM? *** Do you want the instant respect that comes from be@bDo you guys know what you're doing, or are you just hacking?-aaDo not use the blue keys on this terminal.c`KDo not simplify the design of a program if a way can be found to make it complex and wonderful.O_#Do not meddle in the affairs of troff, for it is subtle and quick to anger.o^cDisraeli was pretty close: actually, there are Lies, Damn lies, Statistics, Benchmarks, and Delivery dates.]9Disks travel in packs. \GDisk crisis, please clean up!g[SDisclaimer: 'These opinions are my own, though for a small fee they be yours too.' -- Dave Haynie{Z{DISCLAIMER: Use of this advanced computing technology does not imply an endorsement of Western industrial civilization.ing able to use technical terms that nobody understands? Do you want to strike fear and loathing into the hearts of DP managers everywhere? If so, then let the Famous Programmers' School lead you on... into the world of professional computer programming. *** IS PROGRAMMING FOR YOU? *** Programming is not for everyone. But, if you have the desire to learn, we can help you get started. All you need is the Famous Programmers' Course and enough money to keep those lessons coming month after month. *** TAKE OUR FREE APTITUDE TEST *** To help determine if you are qualified to be a programmer, take a moment to try this simple test: (1) Write down the numbers from zero to nine and the first six letters of the alphabet (Hint: 0123456789ABCDEF). (2) Whose picture is on the back of a twenty-dollar bill? (3) What is the state capital of Idaho? If you managed to read all three questions without wondering why we asked them, you may have a future as a computer programmer. a&akDon't sweat it -- it's only ones and zeros. -- P. Skelly(jWDon't hit the keys so hard, it hurts.oicDon't get suckered in by the comments -- they can be terribly misleading. Debug only code. -- Dave Storer PG2: P}yEstablished technology tends to persist in the face of new technology. -- G. Blaauw, one of the designers of System 360xCError in operator: add beerw9Equal bytes for women.5voEinstein argued that there must be simplified explanations of nature, because God is not capricious or arbitrary. No such faith comforts the software engineer. -- Fred Brooksu?/earth: file system full.t7Earth is a beta site.7su/earth is 98% full ... please delete anyone you can.r;Each of these cults correspond to one of the two antagonists in the age of Reformation. In the realm of the Apple Macintosh, as in Catholic Europe, worshiNq!Each new user of a new system uncovers a new class of bugs. -- Kernighanp+E Pluribus Unix5ooDuring the next two hours, the system will be going up and down several times, often with lin~po_~{po ~poz~ppo~{ o n~po_~{o[po ~y oodsou>#w4k**n~po_~{ol;lkld;f;g;dd;po~{opers peer devoutly into screens filled with 'icons.' All is sound and imagery and Appledom. Even words look like decorative filigrees in exotic typefaces. The greatest icon of all, the inviolable Apple itself, stands in the dominate position at the upper-left corner of the screen. A central corporate headquarters decrees the form of all rites and practices. Infalliable doctrine issues from one executive officer whose selection occurs in a sealed boardroom. Should anyone in his curia question his powers, the offender is excommunicated into outer darkness. The expelled heretic founds a new company, mutters obscurely of the coming age and the next computer, then disappears into silence, taking his stockholders with him. The mother company forbids financial competition as sternly as it stifles ideological competition; if you want to use computer programs that conform to Apple's orthodoxy, you must buy a computer made and sold by Apple itself. -- Edward Mendelson, 'The New Republic', February 22, 1988 "qO"*|[Even bytes get lonely for a little bit.{E<<<<< EVACUATION ROUTE <<<<< zEudaemonic research proceeded with the casual mania peculiar to this part of the world. Nude sunbathing on the back deck was combined with phone calls to Advanced Kinetics in Costa Mesa, American Laser Systems in Goleta, Automation Industries in Danbury, Connecticut, Arenberg Ultrasonics in Jamaica Plain, Massachusetts, and Hewlett Packard in Sunnyvale, California, where Norman Packard's cousin, David, presided as chairman of the board. The trick was to make these calls at noon, in the hope that out-to-lunch executives would return them at their own expense. Eudaemonic Enterprises, for all they knew, might be a fast-growing computer company branching out of the Silicon Valley. Sniffing the possibility of high-volume sales, these executives little suspected that they were talking on the other end of the line to a naked physicist crazed over roulette. -- Thomas Bass, 'The Eudaemonic Pie'pioneer in computer technology during World War II. At the C.W. Post Center of Long Island University, Hopper told a group of Long Island public school adminis- trators that the first computer 'bug' was a real bug--a moth. At Harvard one August night in 1945, Hopper and her associates were working on the 'granddaddy' of modern computers, the Mark I. 'Things were going badly; there was something wrong in one of the circuits of the long glass-enclosed computer,' she said. 'Finally, someone located the trouble spot and, using ordinary tweezers, removed the problem, a two-inch moth. From then on, when anything went wrong with a computer, we said it had bugs in it.' Hopper said that when the veracity of her story was questioned recently, 'I referred them to my 1945 log book, now in the collection of the Naval Surface Weapons Center, and they found the remains of that moth taped to the page in question.' [actually, the term 'bug' had even earlier usage in regard to problems with radio hardware. Ed.] "C Every program is a part of some other program, and rarely fits.LEvery program has at least one bug and can be shortened by at least one instruction -- from which, by induction, one can deduce that every program can be reduced to one instruction which doesn't work.U~/'Every group has a couple of experts. And every group has at least one idiot. Thus are balance and harmony (and discord) maintained. It's sometimes hard to remember this in the bulk of the flamewars that all of the hassle and pain is generally caused by one or two highly-motivated, caustic twits.' -- Chuq Von Rospach, about UsenetR})Ever wondered about the origins of the term 'bugs' as applied to computer technology? U.S. Navy Capt. Grace Murray Hopper has firsthand explanation. The 74-year-old captain, who is still on active duty, was a  {[6U/Feeling amorous, she looked under the sheets and cried, 'Oh, no, it's Microsoft!'"KFACILITY REJECTED 100044200000;C Excessive login or logout messages are a sure sign of senility.P%Evolution is a million line computer program falling into place by accident. Everyone can be taught to sculpt: Michelangelo would have had to be taught how ___not to. So it is with the great programmers.JEverybody needs a little love sometime; stop hacking and fall in love!4mEvery Solidarity center had piles and piles of paper ... everyone was eating paper and a policeman was at the door. Now all you have to do is bend a disk. -- A member of the outlawed Polish trade union, Solidarity, commenting on the benefits of using computers in support of their movement. San Diego failed to send out his ten copies and woke the next morning to find his job description changed to 'COBOL programmer.' Fred A. of New York sent out his ten copies and within a month had enough hardware and software to build a Cray dedicated to playing Zork. Martha H. of Chicago laughed at this letter and broke the chain. Shortly thereafter, a fire broke out in her terminal and she now spends her days writing documentation for IBM PC's. Don't break the chain! Send out your ten copies today! For example, if thinmskip = 3mu, this makes thickmskip = 6mu. But if you also want to use skip12 for horizontal glue, whether in math mode or not, the amount of skipping will be in points (e.g., 6pt). The rule is that glue in math mode varies with the size only when it is an mskip; when moving between an mskip and ordinary skip, the conversion factor 1mu=1pt is always used. The meaning of 'mskipskip12' and 'baselineskip=thethickmskip' should be clear. -- Donald Knuth, TeX 82 -- Comparison with TeX80 t"Kt 1FORTH IF HONK THEN; {'For that matter, compare your pocket computer with the massive jobs of a thousand years ago. Why not, then, the last step of doing away with computers altogether?' -- Jehan ShumanS +Fly Windows NT: All the passengers carry their seats out onto the tarmac, placing the chairs in the outline of a plane. They all sit down, flap their arms and make jet swooshing sounds as if they are flying.R)Fellow programmer, greetings! You are reading a letter which will bring you luck and good fortune. Just mail (or UUCP) ten copies of this letter to ten of your friends. Before you make the copies, send a chip or other bit of hardware, and 100 lines of 'C' code to the first person on the list given at the bottom of this letter. Then delete their name and add yours to the bottom of the list. Don't break the chain! Make the copy within 48 hours. Gerald R. of r-i8*cK[FORTRAN] will persist for some time -- probably for at least the next decade. -- T. Cheatham FORTRAN, 'the infantile disorder', by now nearly 20 years old, is hopelessly inadequate for whatever computer application you have in mind today: it is too clumsy, too risky, and too expensive to use. -- Edsger W. Dijkstra, SIGPLAN Notices, Volume 17, Number 5.cFORTRAN rots the brain. -- John McQuillinEFORTRAN is the language of Powerful Computers. -- Steven FeinerywFORTRAN is not a flower but a weed -- it is hardy, occasionally blooms, and grows in every computer. -- A.J. PerlisB  FORTRAN is for pipe stress freaks and crystallography weenies. FORTRAN is a good example of a language which is easier to parse using ad hoc techniques. -- D. Gries [What's good about it? Ed.] !Fortune suggests uses for YOUR favorite UNIX commands! Try: [Where is Jimmy Hoffa? (C shell) ^How did the^sex change operation go? (C shell) 'How would you rate BSD vs. System V? %blow (C shell) 'thou shalt not mow thy grass at 8am' (C shell) got a light? (C shell) !!:Say, what do you think of margarine? (C shell) PATH=pretending! /usr/ucb/which sense (Bourne shell) make love make 'the perfect dry martini' man -kisses dog (anything up to 4.3BSD) i=Hoffa ; >$i; $i; rm $i; rm $i (Bourne shell) ]E<Frankly, Scarlett, I don't have a fix. -- Rhett Buggler1fortune: not found%Qfortune: No such file or directory?fortune: cpu time/usefulness ratio too high -- core dumped.,_fortune: cannot execute. Out of cookies.Fortune suggests uses for YOUR favorite UNIX commands! Try: ar t 'God' drink < bottle; opener (Bourne Shell) cat 'food in tin cans' (all but 4.[23]BSD) Hey UNIX! Got a match? (V6 or C shell) mkdir matter; cat > matter (Bourne Shell) rm God man: Why did you get a divorce? (C shell) date me (anything up to 4.3BSD) make 'heads or tails of all this' who is smart (C shell) If I had a ) for every dollar of the national debt, what would I have? sleep with me (anything up to 4.3BSD) " From the Pro 350 Pocket Service Guide, p. 49, Step 5 of the instructions on removing an I/O board from the card cage, comes a new experience in sound: 5. Turn the handle to the right 90 degrees. The pin-spreading sound is normal for this type of connector.Z9[From the operation manual for the CI-300 Dot Matrix Line Printer, made in Japan]: The excellent output machine of MODEL CI-300 as extraordinary DOT MATRIX LINE PRINTER, built in two MICRO-PROCESSORs as well as EAROM, is featured by permitting wonderful co-existence such as; 'high quality against low cost,' 'diversified functions with compact design,' 'flexibility in accessibleness and durability of approx. 2000,000,00 Dot/Head,' 'being sophisticated in mechanism but possibly agile operating under noises being extremely suppressed' etc. And as a matter of course, the final goal is just simply to help achieve 'super shuttle diplomacy' between cool data, perhaps earned by HOST COMPUTER, and warm heart of human being. nC?$God made machine language; all the rest is the work of man.(#WGod is real, unless declared integer.""K//GO.SYSIN DD *, DOODAH, DOODAHk![Go away! Stop bothering me with all your 'compute this ... compute that'! I'm taking a VAX-NAP. logout  Giving up on assembly language was the apple in our Garden of Eden: Languages whose use squanders machine cycles are sinful. The LISP machine now permits LISP programmers to abandon bra and fig-leaf. -- Epigrams in Programming, ACM SIGPLAN Sept. 1982Given its constituency, the only thing I expect to be 'open' about [the Open Software Foundation] is its mouth. -- John Gilmore8wGIVE: Support the helpless victims of computer error.?Garbage In -- Gospel Out.-Function reject. ?a?*EHackers of the world, unite!G)Hackers are just a migratory lifeform with a tropism for computers. (Hacker's Guide To Cooking: 2 pkg. cream cheese (the mushy white stuff in silver wrappings that doesn't really come from Philadelphia after all; anyway, about 16 oz.) 1 tsp. vanilla extract (which is more alcohol than vanilla and pretty strong so this part you *G2'kgrep me no patterns and I'll tell you no lines.q&gGrand Master Turing once dreamed that he was a machine. When he awoke he exclaimed: 'I don't know whether I am Turing dreaming that I am a machine, or a machine dreaming that I am Turing!' -- Geoffrey James, 'The Tao of Programming'%%Good evening, gentlemen. I am a HAL 9000 computer. I became operational at the HAL plant in Urbana, Illinois, on January 11th, nineteen hundred ninety-five. My supervisor was Mr. Langley, and he taught me to sing a song. If you would like, I could sing it for you.OTTA* measure) 1/4 cup sugar (but honey works fine too) 8 oz. Cool Whip (the fluffy stuff devoid of nutritional value that you can squirt all over your friends and lick off...) 'Blend all together until creamy with no lumps.' This is where you get to join(1) all the raw data in a big buffer and then filter it through merge(1m) with the -thick option, I mean, it starts out ultra lumpy and icky looking and you have to work hard to mix it. Try an electric beater if you have a cat(1) that can climb wall(1s) to lick it off the ceiling(3m). 'Pour into a graham cracker crust...' Aha, the BUGS section at last. You just happened to have a GCC sitting around under /etc/food, right? If not, don't panic(8), merely crumble a rand(3m) handful of innocent GCs into a suitable tempfile and mix in some melted butter. '...and refrigerate for an hour.' Leave the recipe's stdout in a fridge for 3.6E6 milliseconds while you work on cleaning up stderr, and by time out your cheesecake will be ready for stdin. |[Q/' Hardware met Software on the road to Changtse. Software said: 'You are the Yin and I am the Yang. If we travel together we will become famous and earn vast sums of money.' And so the pair set forth together, thinking to conquer the world. Presently, they met Firmware, who was dressed in tattered rags, and hobbled along propped on a thorny stick. Firmware said to them: 'The Tao lies beyond Yin and Yang. It is silent and still as a pool of water. It does not seek fame, therefore nobody knows its presence. It does not seeks fortune, for it is complete within itself. It exists beyond space and time.' Software and Hardware, ashamed, returned to their homes. -- Geoffrey James, 'The Tao of Programming'.CHappiness is twin floppies.-?Happiness is a hard disk.%,Q/* Halley */ (Halley's comment.):+{Hacking's just another word for nothing left to kludge. L9 H %8QHelp! I'm trapped in a PDP 11/70!47oHelp! I'm trapped in a Chinese computer factory!Q6'Help stamp out Mickey-Mouse computer interfaces -- Menus are for Restaurants!45oHelp me, I'm a prisoner in a Fortune cookie file!,4_HEAD CRASH!! FILES LOST!! Details at 11. 3He's like a function -- he returns a value, in the form of his opinion. It's up to you to cast it into a void or not. -- Phil Lapsley+2]Have you reconsidered a computer career?R1)Has everyone noticed that all the letters of the word 'database' are typed with the left hand? Now the layout of the QWERTYUIOP typewriter keyboard was designed, among other things, to facilitate the even use of both hands. It follows, therefore, that writing about databases is not only unnatural, but a lot harder than it appears.00e 'Has anyone had problems with the computer accounts?' 'Yes, I don't have one.' 'Okay, you can send mail to one of the tutors ...' -- E. D'Azevedo, Computer Science 372 bQoyHBHow much net work could a network work, if a network could net work?AHow much does it cost to entice a dope-smoking UNIX system guru to Dayton? -- Brian Boyle, UNIX/WORLD's First Annual Salary Surveyr@i How many seconds are there in a year? If I tell you there are 3.155 x 10^7, you won't even try to remember it. On the other hand, who could forget that, to within half a percent, pi seconds is a nanocentury. -- Tom Duff, Bell Labs3?m'How do I love thee? My accumulator overflows.'1>iHow can you work when the system's so crowded?)=YHOST SYSTEM RESPONDING, PROBABLY UP...I<HOST SYSTEM NOT RESPONDING, PROBABLY DOWN. DO YOU WANT TO WAIT? (Y/N);#HOLY MACRO!b:IHeuristics are bug ridden by definition. If they didn't have bugs, then they'd be algorithms.69sHELP!!!! I'm being held prisoner in /usr/games/lib! VuIV4IoI am the wandering glitch -- catch me if you can.8HuI am professionally trained in computer science, which is to say (in all seriousness) that I am extremely poorly educated. -- Joseph Weizenbaum, 'Computer Power and Human Reason'\G=I am not now, nor have I ever been, a member of the demigodic party. -- Dennis RitchieF#I am NOMAD!SE+I am a computer. I am dumber than any human and smarter than any administrator.cDKI *____knew* I had some reason for not logging you off... If I could just remember what it was.CHug me now, you mad, impetuous fool!! Oh wait... I'm a computer, and you're a person. It would never work out. Never mind. 54?|5DP I have a very small mind and must live with it. -- E. DijkstrauOoI had the rare misfortune of being one of the first people to try and implement a PL/1 compiler. -- T. CheathamHNI do not fear computers. I fear the lack of them. -- Isaac AsimovMI cannot conceive that anybody will require multiplications at the rate of 40,000 or even 4,000 per hour ... -- F. H. Wales (1936)+L]I came, I saw, I deleted all your files.8KwI bet the human brain is a kludge. -- Marvin MinskyHJI asked the engineer who designed the communication terminal's keyboards why these were not manufactured in a central facility, in view of the small number needed [1 per month] in his factory. He explained that this would be contrary to the political concept of local self-sufficiency. Therefore, each factory needing keyboards, no matter how few, manufactures them completely, even molding the keypads. -- Isaac Auerbach, IEEE 'Computer', Nov. 1979  RGI have not yet begun to byte!4QmI have never seen anything fill up a vacuum so fast and still suck. -- Rob Pike, on X. Steve Jobs said two years ago that X is brain-damaged and it will be gone in two years. He was half right. -- Dennis Ritchie Dennis Ritchie is twice as bright as Steve Jobs, and only half wrong. -- Jim Gettysover mechanical difficulties, or simply curious, or if the execution of such engines were of doubtful practicability or utility, some justification might be found for the course which has been taken; but I venture to assert that no mathematician who has a reputation to lose will ever publicly express an opinion that such a machine would be useless if made, and that no man distinguished as a civil engineer will venture to declare the construction of such machinery impracticable... And at a period when the progress of physical science is obstructed by that exhausting intellectual and manual labor, indispensable for its advancement, which it is the object of the Analytical Engine to relieve, I think the application of machinery in aid of the most complicated and abtruse calculations can no longer be deemed unworthy of the attention of the country. In fact, there is no reason why mental as well as bodily labor should not be economized by the aid of machinery. -- Charles Babbage, 'The Life of a Philosopher' vSqI have sacrificed time, health, and fortune, in the desire to complete these Calculating Engines. I have also declined several offers of great personal advantage to myself. But, notwithstanding the sacrifice of these advantages for the purpose of maturing an engine of almost intellectual power, and after expending from my own private fortune a larger sum than the government of England has spent on that machine, the execution of which it only commenced, I have received neither an acknowledgement of my labors, not even the offer of those honors or rewards which are allowed to fall within the reach of men who devote themselves to purely scientific investigations... If the work upon which I have bestowed so much time and thought were a mere triumph  OAO{W{I think there's a world market for about five computers. -- attr. Thomas J. Watson (Chairman of the Board, IBM), 1943/VeI must have slipped a disk -- my pack hurts!?UI haven't lost my mind -- it's backed up on tape somewhere.;T{I have travelled the length and breadth of this country, and have talked with the best people in business administration. I can assure you on the highest authority that data processing is a fad and won't last out the year. -- Editor in charge of business books at Prentice-Hall publishers, responding to Karl V. Karlstrom (a junior editor who had recommended a manuscript on the new science of data processing), c. 1957   pXeI went on to test the program in every way I could devise. I strained it to expose its weaknesses. I ran it for high-mass stars and low-mass stars, for stars born exceedingly hot and those born relatively cold. I ran it assuming the superfluid currents beneath the crust to be absent -- not because I wanted to know the answer, but because I had developed an intuitive feel for the answer in this particular case. Finally I got a run in which the computer showed the pulsar's temperature to be less than absolute zero. I had found an error. I chased down the error and fixed it. Now I had improved the program to the point where it would not run at all. -- George Greenstein, 'Frozen Star: Of Pulsars, Black Holes and the Fate of Stars' pE^I'm still waiting for the advent of the computer science groupie.j]YI'm not even going to *______bother* comparing C to BASIC or FORTRAN. -- L. Zolman, creator of BDS CL\I'm all for computer dating, but I wouldn't want one to marry my sister."[KI'm a Lisp variable -- bind me!*Z[I wish you humans would leave me alone.kY[I went to my first computer conference at the New York Hilton about 20 years ago. When somebody there predicted the market for microprocessors would eventually be in the millions, someone else said, 'Where are they all going to go? It's not like you need a computer in every doorknob!' Years later, I went back to the same hotel. I noticed the room keys had been replaced by electronic cards you slide into slots in the doors. There was a computer in every doorknob. -- Danny Hillis eAaI've looked at the listing, and it's right! -- Joel Halpern~`I've finally learned what 'upward compatible' means. It means we get to keep all our old mistakes. -- Dennie van Tassel_3 I'm sure that VMS is completely documented, I just haven't found the right manual yet. I've been working my way through the manuals in the document library and I'm half way through the second cabinet, (3 shelves to go), so I should find what I'm looking for by mid May. I hope I can remember what it was by the time I find it. I had this idea for a new horror film, 'VMS Manuals from Hell' or maybe 'The Paper Chase : IBM vs. DEC'. It's based on Hitchcock's 'The Birds', except that it's centered around a programmer who is attacked by a swarm of binder pages with an index number and the single line 'This page intentionally left blank.' -- Alex Crain \!ZLhIf a train station is a place where a train stops, what's a workstation?Qg'If a listener nods his head when you're explaining your program, wake him up.f)If a group of _N persons implements a COBOL compiler, there will be _N-1 passes. Someone in the group has to be the manager. -- T. Cheathame'If a 6600 used paper tape instead of core memory, it would use up tape at about 30 miles/second. -- Grishman, Assembly Language Programmingd5IBM Advanced Systems Group -- a bunch of mindless jerks, who'll be first against the wall when the revolution comes... -- with regrets to D. Adams8cwI've noticed several design suggestions in your code. bEI've never been canoeing before, but I imagine there must be just a few simple heuristics you have to remember... Yes, don't fall out, and don't hit rocks.  "Yb Uo/If graphics hackers are so smart, why can't they get the bugs out of fresh paint?KnIf God had intended Man to program, we'd be born with serial I/O ports.1miIf God had a beard, he'd be a UNIX programmer.rliIf computers take over (which seems to be their natural tendency), it will serve us right. -- Alistair CookekIf builders built buildings the way programmers wrote programs, then the first woodpecker to come along would destroy civilization.;j}If at first you don't succeed, you must be a programmer.Zi9If addiction is judged by how long a dumb animal will sit pressing a lever to get a 'fix' of something, to its own detriment, then I would conclude that netnews is far more addictive than cocaine. -- Rob Stampfli _qCIf I have seen farther than others, it is because I was standing on the shoulders of giants. -- Isaac Newton In the sciences, we are now uniquely priviledged to sit side by side with the giants on whose shoulders we stand. -- Gerald Holton If I have not seen as far as others, it is because giants were standing on my shoulders. -- Hal Abelson Mathematicians stand on each other's shoulders. -- Gauss Mathemeticians stand on each other's shoulders while computer scientists stand on each other's toes. -- Richard Hamming It has been said that physicists stand on one another's shoulders. If this is the case, then programmers stand on one another's toes, and software engineers dig each other's graves. -- UnknownzpyIf he once again pushes up his sleeves in order to compute for 3 days and 3 nights in a row, he will spend a quarter of an hour before to think which principles of computation shall be most appropriate. -- Voltaire, 'Diatribe du docteur Akakia' "Q"+w[If just one piece of mail gets lost, well, they'll just think they forgot to send it. But if *two* pieces of mail get lost, hell, they'll just think the other guy hasn't gotten around to answering his mail. And if *fifty* pieces of mail get lost, can you imagine it, if *fifty* pieces of mail get lost, why they'll think someone *else* is broken! And if 1Gb of mail gets lost, they'll just *know* that Arpa [ucbarpa.berkeley.edu] is down and think it's a conspiracy to keep them from their God given right to receive Net Mail ... -- Casey LeedomCv If it's worth hacking on well, it's worth hacking on for money.1uiIf it's not in the computer, it doesn't exist.,t_If it has syntax, it isn't user friendly.sIf it happens once, it's a bug. If it happens twice, it's a feature. If it happens more than twice, it's a design philosophy.~rIf I'd known computer science was going to be like this, I'd never have given up being a rock 'n' roll star. -- G. Hirst h,}]If the designers of X-window built cars, there would be no fewer than five steering wheels hidden about the cockpit, none of which followed the same principles -- but you'd be able to shift gears with your car stereo. Useful feature, that. -- From the programming notebooks of a heretic, 1990.Z|9If the code and the comments disagree, then both are probably wrong. -- Norm Schryerb{IIf the automobile had followed the same development as the computer, a Rolls-Royce would today cost $100, get a million miles per per gallon, and explode once a year killing everyone inside. -- Robert Cringely, InfoWorldczK'If that makes any sense to you, you have a big problem.' -- C. Durance, Computer Science 234@yIf Machiavelli were a programmer, he'd have worked for AT&T.Rx)If Machiavelli were a hacker, he'd have worked for the CSSG. -- Phil Lapsley ;N;#If the vendors started doing everything right, we would be out of a job. Let's hear it for OSI and X! With those babies in the wings, we can count on being employed until we drop, or get smart and switch to gardening, paper folding, or something. -- C. Philip Wood.~a If the Tao is great, then the operating system is great. If the operating system is great, then the compiler is great. If the compiler is great, then the application is great. If the application is great, then the user is pleased and there is harmony in the world. The Tao gave birth to machine language. Machine language gave birth to the assembler. The assembler gave birth to the compiler. Now there are ten thousand languages. Each language has its purpose, however humble. Each language expresses the Yin and Yang of software. Each language has its place within the Tao. But do not program in COBOL if you can avoid it. -- Geoffrey James, 'The Tao of Programming' ::7If you teach your children to like computers and to know how to gamble then they'll always be interested in something and won't come to no real harm.V1If you put tomfoolery into a computer, nothing comes out but tomfoolery. But this tomfoolery, having passed through a very expensive machine, is somehow enobled and no-one dare criticise it. -- Pierre GalloisIIf you have a procedure with 10 parameters, you probably missed some.>If you ever want to have a lot of fun, I recommend that you go off and program an imbedded system. The salient characteristic of an imbedded system is that it cannot be allowed to get into a state from which only direct intervention will suffice to remove it. An imbedded system can't permanently trust anything it hears from the outside world. It must sniff around, adapt, consider, sniff around, and adapt again. I'm not talking about ordin6sIf this is timesharing, give me my share right now.ary modular programming carefulness here. No. Programming an imbedded system calls for undiluted raging maniacal paranoia. For example, our ethernet front ends need to know what network number they are on so that they can address and route PUPs properly. How do you find out what your network number is? Easy, you ask a gateway. Gateways are required by definition to know their correct network numbers. Once you've got your network number, you start using it and before you can blink you've got it wired into fifteen different sockets spread all over creation. Now what happens when the panic-stricken operator realizes he was running the wrong version of the gateway which was giving out the wrong network number? Never supposed to happen. Tough. Supposing that your software discovers that the gateway is now giving out a different network number than before, what's it supposed to do about it? This is not discussed in the protocol document. Never supposed to happen. Tough. I think you get my drift. /[/o cImagine that Cray computer decides to make a personal computer. It has a 150 MHz processor, 200 megabytes of RAM, 1500 megabytes of disk storage, a screen resolution of 4096 x 4096 pixels, relies entirely on voice recognition for input, fits in your shirt pocket and costs $300. What's the first question that the computer community asks? 'Is it PC compatible?'5oImagine if every Thursday your shoes exploded if you tied them the usual way. This happens to us all the time with computers, and nobody thinks of complaining. -- Jeff RaskineOIgnorance is bliss. -- Thomas Gray Fortune updates the great quotes, #42: BLISS is ignorance.gSIf you're crossing the nation in a covered wagon, it's better to have four strong oxen than 100 chickens. Chickens are OK but we can't make them work together yet. -- Ross Bott, Pyramid U.S., on multiprocessors at AUUGM '89.O#If you think the system is working, ask someone who's waiting for a prompt. disk files have been erased. Therefore, in accordance with the UNIX Basic Manual, University of Washington Geophysics Manual, and Bylaw 9(c), Section XII of the Revised Federal Communications Act, you are being granted Temporary Disk Space, valid for three months from this date, subject to the restrictions set forth in Appendix II of the Federal Communications Handbook (18th edition) as well as the references mentioned herein. You may apply for more disk space at any time. Disk usage in or above the eighth percentile will secure the removal of all restrictions and you will immediately receive your permanent disk space. Disk usage in the sixth or seventh percentile will not effect the validity of your temporary disk space, though its expiration date may be extended for a period of up to three months. A score in the fifth percentile or below will result in the withdrawal of your Temporary Disk space. *W *tmIn any problem, if you find yourself doing an infinite amount of work, the answer may be obtained by inspection.hUIn any formula, constants (especially those obtained from handbooks) are to be treated as variables.G In a surprise raid last night, federal agents ransacked a house in search of a rebel computer hacker. However, they were unable to complete the arrest because the warrant was made out in the name of Don Provan, while the only person in the house was named don provan. Proving, once again, that Unix is superior to Tops10.  In a five year period we can get one superb programming language. Only we can't control when the five year period will begin.0 eIn a display of perverse brilliance, Carl the repairman mistakes a room humidifier for a mid-range computer but manages to tie it into the network anyway. -- The 5th Wave| }**** IMPORTANT **** ALL USERS PLEASE NOTE **** Due to a recent systems overload error your recent &[<&vqIn seeking the unattainable, simplicity only gets in the way. -- Epigrams in Programming, ACM SIGPLAN Sept. 19827In practice, failures in system development, like unemployment in Russia, happens a lot despite official propaganda to the contrary. -- Paul Licker In less than a century, computers will be making substantial progress on ... the overriding problem of war and peace. -- James SlagleO#In fact, S. M. Simpson, eventually devised an efficient 24-point Fourier transform, which was a precursor to the Cooley-Tukey fast Fourier transform in 1965. The FFT made all of Simpson's efficient autocorrelation and spectrum programs instantly obsolete, on which he had worked half a lifetime. -- Proc. IEEE, Sept. 1982, p.900:{In every non-trivial program there is at least one bug.^AIn English, every word can be verbed. Would that it were so in our programming languages.AIn computing, the mean time to failure keeps getting shorter. QQA In the beginning was the Tao. The Tao gave birth to Space and Time. Therefore, Space and Time are the Yin and Yang of programming. Programmers that do not comprehend the Tao are always running out of time and space for their programs. Programmers that comprehend the Tao always have enough time and space to accomplish their goals. How could it be otherwise? -- Geoffrey James, 'The Tao of Programming'  In the beginning there was data. The data was without form and null, and darkness was upon the face of the console; and the Spirit of IBM was moving over the face of the market. And DEC said, 'Let there be registers'; and there were registers. And DEC saw that they carried; and DEC separated the data from the instructions. DEC called the data Stack, and the instructions they called Code. And there was evening and there was morning, one interrupt. -- Rico Tudor, 'The Story of Creation or, The Myth of Urk' eO In the days when Sussman was a novice Minsky once came to him as he sat hacking at the PDP-6. 'What are you doing?', asked Minsky. 'I am training a randomly wired neural net to play Tic-Tac-Toe.' 'Why is the net wired randomly?', inquired Minsky. 'I do not want it to have any preconceptions of how to play'. At this Minsky shut his eyes, and Sussman asked his teacher 'Why do you close your eyes?' 'So that the room will be empty.' At that moment, Sussman was enlightened. --U/In the long run, every program becomes rococco, and then rubble. -- Alan Perlis/In the future, you're going to get computers as prizes in breakfast cereals. You'll throw them out because your house will be littered with them.^A In the east there is a shark which is larger than all other fish. It changes into a bird whose winds are like clouds filling the sky. When this bird moves across the land, it brings a message from Corporate Headquarters. This message it drops into the midst of the programmers, like a seagull making its mark upon the beach. Then the bird mounts on the wind and, with the blue sky at its back, returns home. The novice programmer stares in wonder at the bird, for he understands it not. The average programmer dreads the coming of the bird, for he fears its message. The master programmer continues to work at his terminal, for he does not know that the bird has come and gone. -- Geoffrey James, 'The Tao of Programming' [9"yIs a computer language with goto's totally Wirth-less?!;IOT trap -- core dumped? Introducing, the 1010, a one-bit processor. INSTRUCTION SET Code Mnemonic What 0 NOP No Operation 1 JMP Jump (address specified by next 2 bits) Now Available for only 12 1/2 cents!(U>>> Internal error in fortune program: >>> fnum=2987 n=45 flag=1 goose_level=-232323 >>> Please write down these values and notify fortune program administrator.LIntel CPUs are not defective, they just act that way. -- Henry SpencerR)... in three to eight years we will have a machine with the general intelligence of an average human being ... The machine will begin to educate itself with fantastic speed. In a few months it will be at genius level and a few months after that its powers will be incalculable ... -- Marvin Minsky, LIFE Magazine, November 20, 1970 cGq&g It appears that after his death, Albert Einstein found himself working as the doorkeeper at the Pearly Gates. One slow day, he found that he had time to chat with the new entrants. To the first one he asked, 'What's your IQ?' The new arrival replied, '190'. They discussed Einstein's theory of relativity for hours. When the second new arrival came, Einstein once again inquired as to the newcomer's IQ. The answer this time came '120'. To which Einstein replied, 'Tell me, how did the Cubs do this year?' and they proceeded to talk for half an hour or so. To the final arrival, Einstein once again posed the question, 'What's your IQ?'. Upon receiving the answer '70', Einstein smiled and replied, 'Got a minute to tell me about VMS 4.0?'2%kIs your job running? You'd better go catch it!$9: is not an identifier#7Is it possible that software is not like anything else, that it is meant to be discarded: that the whole point is to always see it as a soap bubble? 2n28(u It is a period of system war. User programs, striking from a hidden directory, have won their first victory against the evil Administrative Empire. During the battle, User spies managed to steal secret source code to the Empire's ultimate program: the Are-Em Star, a privileged root program with enough power to destroy an entire file structure. Pursued by the Empire's sinister audit trail, Princess _LPA0 races ~ aboard her shell script, custodian of the stolen listings that could save her people, and restore freedom and games to the network... -- DECWARS'!It appears that PL/I (and its dialects) is, or will be, the most widely used higher level language for systems programming. -- J. Sammetut the plan, schedule, and division of responsibilities. The architecture manager had 10 good men. He asserted that they could write the specifications and do it right. It would take ten months, three more than the schedule allowed. The control program manager had 150 men. He asserted that they could prepare the specifications, with the architecture team coordinating; it would be well-done and practical, and he could do it on schedule. Furthermore, if the architecture team did it, his 150 men would sit twiddling their thumbs for ten months. To this the architecture manager responded that if I gave the control program team the responsibility, the result would not in fact be on time, but would also be three months late, and of much lower quality. I did, and it was. He was right on both counts. Moreover, the lack of conceptual integrity made the system far more costly to build and change, and I would estimate that it added a year to debugging time. -- Frederick Brooks Jr., 'The Mythical Man Month' $t$M,It is easier to write an incorrect program than understand a correct one.P+%It is easier to change the specification to fit the program than vice versa.n*aIt is against the grain of modern education to teach children to program. What fun is there in making plans, acquiring discipline in organizing thoughts, devoting attention to detail, and learning to be self-critical? -- Alan Perlis;){It is a very humbling experience to make a multimillion-dollar mistake, but it is also very memorable. I vividly recall the night we decided how to organize the actual writing of external specifications for OS/360. The manager of architecture, the manager of control program implementation, and I were threshing o Lh/UIt is possible by ingenuity and at the expense of clarity... {to do almost anything in any language}. However, the fact that it is possible to push a pea up a mountain with your nose does not mean that this is a sensible way of getting it there. Each of these techniques of language extension should be used in its proper place. -- Christopher StracheyK.It is now pitch dark. If you proceed, you will likely fall into a pit.b-I... it is easy to be blinded to the essential uselessness of them by the sense of achievement you get from getting them to work at all. In other words... their fundamental design flaws are completely hidden by their superficial design flaws. -- The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy, on the products of the Sirius Cybernetics Corporation. GGX45'It runs like _x, where _x is something unsavory' -- Prof. Romas Aleliunas, CS 435n3aIt must be remembered that there is nothing more difficult to plan, more doubtful of success, nor more dangerous to manage, than the creation of a new system. For the initiator has the emnity of all who would profit by the preservation of the old institutions and merely lukewarm defenders in those who would gain by the new ones. -- Niccolo Machiavelli, 1513 2EIt isn't easy being the parent of a six-year-old. However, it's a pretty small price to pay for having somebody around the house who understands computers.>1[It is] best to confuse only one issue at a time. -- K&R0 It is practically impossible to teach good programming style to students that have had prior exposure to BASIC: as potential programmers they are mentally mutilated beyond hope of regeneration. -- Edsger W. Dijkstra, SIGPLAN Notices, Volume 17, Number 5 xx6It turned out that the worm exploited three or four different holes in the system. From this, and the fact that we were able to capture and examine some of the source code, we realized that we were dealing with someone very sharp, probably not someone here on campus. -- Dr. Richard LeBlanc, associate professor of ICS, in Georgia Tech's campus newspaper after the Internet worm.y5w It took 300 years to build and by the time it was 10% built, everyone knew it would be a total disaster. But by then the investment was so big they felt compelled to go on. Since its completion, it has cost a fortune to maintain and is still in danger of collapsing. There are at present no plans to replace it, since it was never really needed in the first place. I expect every installation has its own pet software which is analogous to the above. -- K.E. Iverson, on the Leaning Tower of Pisa *^J*f>QJust go with the flow control, roll with the crunches, and, when you get a prompt, type like hell.~=Just about every computer on the market today runs Unix, except the Mac (and nobody cares about it). -- Bill Joy 6/21/852<i... Jesus cried with a loud voice: Lazarus, come forth; the bug hath been found and thy program runneth. And he that was dead came forth... -- John 11:43-44 [version 2.0?]:;{It's ten o'clock; do you know where your processes are?@:'It's not just a computer -- it's your ass.' -- Cal Keegan9;It's multiple choice time... What is FORTRAN? a: Between thre and fiv tran. b: What two computers engage in before they interface. c: Ridiculous.r8iIt's a naive, domestic operating system without any breeding, but I think you'll be amused by its presumption.7AIt was kinda like stuffing the wrong card in a computer, when you're stickin' those artificial stimulants in your arm. -- Dion, noted computer scientist [CD `Lasu' Releases SAG 0.3 -- Freeware Book Takes Paves For New World Order by staff writers ... The SAG is one of the major products developed via the Information Superhighway, the brain child of Al Gore, US Vice President. The ISHW is being developed with massive govenment funding, since studies show that it already has more than four hundred users, three years before the first prototypes are ready. Asked whether he was worried about the foreiKC`Lasu' Releases SAG 0.3 -- Freeware Book Takes Paves For New World Order by staff writers ... The central Superhighway site called ``sunsite.unc.edu'' collapsed in the morning before the release. New#BM((lambda (foo) (bar foo)) (baz))A)Know Thy User.@CKiss your keyboard goodbye!G?Keep the number of passes in a compiler to a minimum. -- D. Griess about the release had been leaked by a German hacker group, Harmonious Hardware Hackers, who had cracked into the author's computer earlier in the week. They had got the release date wrong by one day, and caused dozens of eager fans to connect to the sunsite computer at the wrong time. ``No computer can handle that kind of stress,'' explained the mourning sunsite manager, Erik Troan. ``The spinning disks made the whole computer jump, and finally it crashed through the floor to the basement.'' Luckily, repairs were swift and the computer was working again the same evening. ``Thank God we were able to buy enough needles and thread and patch it together without major problems.'' The site has also installed a new throttle on the network pipe, allowing at most four clients at the same time, thus making a new crash less likely. ``The book is now in our Incoming folder'', says Troan, ``and you're all welcome to come and get it.'' -- Lars Wirzenius [comp.os.linux.announce]gn influence in an expensive American Dream, the vice president said, ``Finland? Oh, we've already bought them, but we haven't told anyone yet. They're great at building model airplanes as well. And _I can spell potato.'' House representatives are not mollified, however, wanting to see the terms of the deal first, fearing another Alaska. Rumors about the SAG release have imbalanced the American stock market for weeks. Several major publishing houses reached an all time low in the New York Stock Exchange, while publicly competing for the publishing agreement with Mr. Wirzenius. The negotiations did not work out, tough. ``Not enough dough,'' says the author, although spokesmen at both Prentice-Hall and Playboy, Inc., claim the author was incapable of expressing his wishes in a coherent form during face to face talks, preferring to communicate via e-mail. ``He kept muttering something about jiffies and pegs,'' they say. ... -- Lars Wirzenius [comp.os.linux.announce]at we wouldn't be able to produce anything at all, that all our work would be futile, if it weren't for the SAG,'' says Matt Welsh, director of LDP, Inc. The new version is still distributed freely, now even with a copyright that allows modification. ``More dough,'' explains the author. Despite insistent rumors about blatant commercialization, the SAG will probably remain free. ``Even more dough,'' promises the author. The author refuses to comment on Windows NT and Windows 96 versions, claiming not to understand what the question is about. Industry gossip, however, tells that Bill Gates, co-founder and CEO of Microsoft, producer of the Windows series of video games, has visited Helsinki several times this year. Despite of this, Linus Torvalds, author of the word processor Linux with which the SAG was written, is not worried. ``We'll have world domination real soon now, anyway,'' he explains, ``for 1.4 at the lastest.'' ... -- Lars Wirzenius [comp.os.linux.announce] ?2y?7JuLine Printer paper is strongest at the perforations.0IgLike punning, programming is a play on words.YH7Life would be so much easier if we could just look at the source code. -- Dave Olson'GULeveraging always beats prototyping.bFILet the machine do the dirty work. -- 'Elements of Programming Style', Kernighan and Ritchie]E?`Lasu' Releases SAG 0.3 -- Freeware Book Takes Paves For New World Order by staff writers Helsinki, Finland, August 6, 1995 -- In a surprise movement, Lars ``Lasu'' Wirzenius today released the 0.3 edition of the ``Linux System Administrators' Guide''. Already an industry non-classic, the new version sports such overwhelming features as an overview of a Linux system, a completely new climbing session in a tree, and a list of acknowledgements in the introduction. The SAG, as the book is affectionately called, is one of the corner stones of the Linux Documentation Project. ``We at the LDP feel th ,> 1) & 0x55555555) | ((n << 1) & 0xaaaaaaaa); n = ((n >> 2) & 0x33333333) | ((n << 2) & 0xcccccccc); n = ((n >> 4) & 0x0f0f0f0f) | ((n << 4) & 0xf0f0f0f0); n = ((n >> 8) & 0x00ff00ff) | ((n << 8) & 0xff00ff00); n = ((n >> 16) & 0x0000ffff) | ((n << 16) & 0xffff0000); -- C code which reverses the bits in a word.[t;My sister opened a computer store in Hawaii. She sells C shells down by the seashore.gsSMy God, I'm depressed! Here I am, a computer with a mind a thousand times as powerful as yours, doing nothing but cranking out fortunes and sending mail about softball games. And I've got this pain right through my ALU. I've asked for it to be replaced, but nobody ever listens. I think it would be better for us both if you were to just log out again. 3FoI!E3%news: gotchaX5*** NEWS FLASH *** Archeologists find PDP-11/24 inside brain cavity of fossilized dinosaur skeleton! Many Digital users fear that RSX-11M may be even more primitive than DEC admits. Price adjustments at 11:00.%QNew systems generate new problems.#~MNew crypt. See /usr/news/crypt.o}cNever underestimate the bandwidth of a station wagon full of tapes. -- Dr. Warren Jackson, Director, UTCS/|cNever try to explain computers to a layman. It's easier to explain sex to a virgin. -- Robert Heinlein (Note, however, that virgins tend to know a lot about computers.)#{MNever trust an operating system.4zoNever trust a computer you can't repair yourself.Ry)Never test for an error condition you don't know how to handle. -- SteinbachNx!Never put off till run-time what you can do at compile-time. -- D. GriesfwQNever make anything simple and efficient when a way can be found to make it complex and wonderful. &*YNo part of this message may reproduce, store itself in a retrieval system, or transmit disease, in any form, without the permissiveness of the author. -- Chris Shaw<No man is an island if he's on at least one mailing list.!INo line available at 300 baud.'No hardware designer should be allowed to produce any piece of hardware until three software guys have signed off for it. -- Andy Tanenbaum>No extensible language will be universal. -- T. Cheatham'No directory.m_Niklaus Wirth has lamented that, whereas Europeans pronounce his name correctly (Ni-klows Virt), Americans invariably mangle it into (Nick-les Worth). Which is to say that Europeans call him by name, but Americans call him by value. eJQeEMy little brother got this fortune: nohup rm -fr /& So he did...m _Nobody's gonna believe that computers are intelligent until they start coming in late and lying about it.1 iNobody said computers were going to be polite.u oNo, I'm not interested in developing a powerful brain. All I'm after is just a mediocre brain, something like the president of American Telephone and Telegraph Company. -- Alan Turing on the possibilities of a thinking machine, 1943.e ONo wonder Clairol makes so much money selling shampoo. Lather, Rinse, Repeat is an infinite loop!J No proper program contains an indication which as an operator-applied occurrence identifies an operator-defining occurrence which as an indication-applied occurrence identifies an indication-defining occurrence different from the one identified by the given indication as an indication-applied occurrence. -- ALGOL 68 Reportf paper on which he furiously scribbled some notes, thought it over, decided there was a fallacy in his idea, and threw the piece of paper away. At the end of the day he went home (to the old address in Cambridge, of course). When he got there he realized that they had moved, that he had no idea where they had moved to, and that the piece of paper with the address was long gone. Fortunately inspiration struck. There was a young girl on the street and he conceived the idea of asking her where he had moved to, saying, 'Excuse me, perhaps you know me. I'm Norbert Weiner and we've just moved. Would you know where we've moved to?' To which the young girl replied, 'Yes, Daddy, Mommy thought you would forget.' The capper to the story is that I asked his daughter (the girl in the story) about the truth of the story, many years later. She said that it wasn't quite true -- that he never forgot who his children were! The rest of it, however, was pretty close to what actually happened... -- Richard Harter ddKNot only is UNIX dead, it's starting to smell really bad. -- Rob PikeB Norbert Weiner was the subject of many dotty professor stories. Weiner was, in fact, very absent minded. The following story is told about him: when they moved from Cambridge to Newton his wife, knowing that he would be absolutely useless on the move, packed him off to MIT while she directed the move. Since she was certain that he would forget that they had moved and where they had moved to, she wrote down the new address on a piece of paper, and gave it to him. Naturally, in the course of the day, an insight occurred to him. He reached in his pocket, found a piece o [q[-Nothing happens. NOTE: No warranties, either express or implied, are hereby given. All software is supplied as is, without guarantee. The user assumes all responsibility for damages resulting from the use of these features, including, but not limited to, frustration, disgust, system abends, disk head-crashes, general malfeasance, floods, fires, shark attack, nerve gas, locust infestation, cyclones, hurricanes, tsunamis, local electromagnetic disruptions, hydraulic brake system failure, invasion, hashing collisions, normal wear and tear of friction surfaces, comic radiation, inadvertent destruction of sensitive electronic components, windstorms, the Riders of Nazgul, infuriated chickens, malfunctioning mechanical or electrical sexual devices, premature activation of the distant early warning system, peasant uprisings, halitosis, artillery bombardment, explosions, cave-ins, and/or frogs falling from the sky.the faintest idea. 'For the sheer *joy* of programming!' she cries triumphantly. 'The joy of the parent, the artist, the craftsman. 'You take a program, born weak and impotent as a dimly-realized solution. You nurture the program and guide it down the right path, building, watching it grow ever stronger. Sometimes you paint with tiny strokes, a keystroke added here, a keystroke changed there.' She sweeps her arm in a wide arc. 'And other times you savage whole *blocks* of code, ripping out the program's very *essence*, then beginning anew. But always building, creating, filling the program with your own personal stamp, your own quirks and nuances. Watching the program grow stronger, patching it when it crashes, until finally it can stand alone -- proud, powerful, and perfect. This is the programmer's finest hour!' Softly at first, then louder, he hears the strains of a Sousa march. 'This ... this is your canvas! your clay! Go forth and create a masterwork!' &j&AOld programmers never die, they just branch to a new address.8wOld programmers never die, they just become managers.7Old mail has arrived. Okay, Okay -- I admit it. You didn't change that program that worked just a little while ago; I inserted some random characters into the executable. Please forgive me. You can recover the file by typing in the code over again, since I also removed the source.7Oh, so there you are!jYNurse Donna: Oh, Groucho, I'm afraid I'm gonna wind up an old maid. Groucho: Well, bring her in and we'll wind her up together. Nurse Donna: Do you believe in computer dating? Groucho: Only if the computers really love each other.C 'Nuclear war can ruin your whole compile.' -- Karl Lehenbauerqg'Now this is a totally brain damaged algorithm. Gag me with a smurfette.' -- P. Buhr, Computer Science 354H Now she speaks rapidly. 'Do you know *why* you want to program?' He shakes his head. He hasn't  T :H"'One Architecture, One OS' also translates as 'One Egg, One Basket'. !EOn two occasions I have been asked [by members of Parliament!], 'Pray, Mr. Babbage, if you put into the machine wrong figures, will the right answers come out?' I am not able rightly to apprehend the kind of confusion of ideas that could provoke such a question. -- Charles BabbageG  On the other hand, the TCP camp also has a phrase for OSI people. There are lots of phrases. My favorite is `nitwit' -- and the rationale is the Internet philosophy has always been you have extremeD On the Internet, nobody knows you're a dog. -- Cartoon caption*[On the eighth day, God created FORTRAN.8wOn a clear disk you can seek forever. -- P. DenningAOld programmers never die, they just hit account block limit.ly bright, non-partisan researchers look at a topic, do world-class research, do several competing implementations, have a bake-off, determine what works best, write it down and make that the standard. The OSI view is entirely opposite. You take written contributions from a much larger community, you put the contributions in a room of committee people with, quite honestly, vast political differences and all with their own political axes to grind, and four years later you get something out, usually without it ever having been implemented once. So the Internet perspective is implement it, make it work well, then write it down, whereas the OSI perspective is to agree on it, write it down, circulate it a lot and now we'll see if anyone can implement it after it's an international standard and every vendor in the world is committed to it. One of those processes is backwards, and I don't think it takes a Lucasian professor of physics at Oxford to figure out which. -- Marshall Rose, 'The Pied Piper of OSI' $+s$'3One of the most overlooked advantages to computers is... If they do foul up, there's no law against whacking them around a little. -- Joe Martin0&e... one of the main causes of the fall of the Roman Empire was that, lacking zero, they had no way to indicate successful termination of their C programs. -- Robert Firtht%mOne good reason why computers can do more work than people is that they never have to stop and answer the phone.=$ One day a student came to Moon and said, 'I understand how to make a better garbage collector. We must keep a reference count of the pointers to each cons.' Moon patiently told the student the following story -- 'One day a student came to Moon and said, 'I understand how to make a better garbage collector...'Q#''One basic notion underlying Usenet is that it is a cooperative.' Having been on USENET for going on ten years, I disagree with this. The basic notion underlying USENET is the flame. -- Chuq Von Rospach to understand, easy to get started with. It's great for students, great for somewhat casual users, and it's great for interchanging programs between different machines. And so, because of its popularity in these markets, we support it. We have good UNIX on VAX and good UNIX on PDP-11s. It is our belief, however, that serious professional users will run out of things they can do with UNIX. They'll want a real system and will end up doing VMS when they get to be serious about programming. With UNIX, if you're looking for something, you can easily and quickly check that small manual and find out that it's not there. With VMS, no matter what you look for -- it's literally a five-foot shelf of documentation -- if you look long enough it's there. That's the difference -- the beauty of UNIX is it's simple; and the beauty of VMS is that it's all there. -- Ken Olsen, president of DEC, DECWORLD Vol. 8 No. 5, 1984 [It's been argued that the beauty of UNIX is the same as the beauty of Ken Olsen's brain. Ed.] n+;Only great masters of style can succeed in being obtuse. -- Oscar Wilde Most UNIX programmers are great masters of style. -- The Unnamed Usenetter#*MOne picture is worth 128K words./)eOne person's error is another person's data..(a One of the questions that comes up all the time is: How enthusiastic is our support for UNIX? Unix was written on our machines and for our machines many years ago. Today, much of UNIX being done is done on our machines. Ten percent of our VAXs are going for UNIX use. UNIX is a simple language, easyussx} "',16;@EJOTY^chntz "(.4:@FLRX^djpv|mga[UOIC=71+%"    vrqmbZUQwxyz {|}~ !"#'()*+,./0147<?CGHIJKLMPQV`dklmqrt{").7=>CFGHJMOSYcāhŁnƁyȁ|ʂ˂͂ ΂ςЂт҂$ӂ*Ղ/ւ8ׂB؂IقPڂR܂S݂WނX߂^ahoqw} "&(,/46>DJM}flrx~ &,28>DJPV\bhntz "(.4:@FLRX^djpv|`ZTNHB<60*$ 4}ndVMEDCBA@?=:UZbmqrv    "'+,-/34?K M!R"T#Y$_%g&k'u(|)*+,- / 01246 7*8/96:<;CJ?N@PAQBRDWEZF\G]H_I`JaKbLdNhOlPrQzR}STV WXYZ"[(],`-a1b4c7d:e=fDgKhRiXj]k_lgmjnmppqvrzst uvwyz{|!~'),246 O,#Only the fittest survive. The vanquished acknowledge their unworthiness by placing a classified ad with the ritual phrase 'must sell -- best offer,' and thereafter dwell in infamy, relegated to discussing gas mileage and lawn food. But if successful, you join the elite sodality that spends hours unpurifying the dialect of the tribe with arcane talk of bits and bytes, RAMS and ROMS, hard disks and baud rates. Are you obnoxious, obsessed? It's a modest price to pay. For you have tapped into the same awesome primal power that produces credit-card billing errors and lost plane reservations. Hail, postindustrial warrior, subduer of Bounceoids, pride of the cosmos, keeper of the silicone creed: Computo, ergo sum. The force is with you -- at 110 volts. May your RAMS be fruitful and multiply. -- Curt Suplee, 'Smithsonian', 4/83 ]]-COS/2 Beer: Comes in a 32-oz can. Does allow you to drink several DOS Beers simultaneously. Allows you to drink Windows 3.1 Beer simultaneously too, but somewhat slower. Advertises that its cans won't explode when you open them, even if you shake them up. You never really see anyone drinking OS/2 Beer, but the manufacturer (International Beer Manufacturing) claims that 9 million six-packs have been sold. <e<%/O'Our attitude with TCP/IP is, `Hey, we'll do it, but don't make a big system, because we can't fix it if it breaks -- nobody can.'' 'TCP/IP is OK if you've got a little informal club, and it doesn't make any difference if it takes a while to fix it.' -- Ken Olson, in Digital News, 1988.3OS/2 Skyways: The terminal is almost empty, with only a few prospective passengers milling about. The announcer says that their flight has just departed, wishes them a good flight, though there are no planes on the runway. Airline personnel walk around, apologising profusely to customers in hushed voices, pointing from time to time to the sleek, powerful jets outside the terminal on the field. They tell each passenger how good the real flight will be on these new jets and how much safer it will be than Windows Airlines, but that they will have to wait a little longer for the technicians to finish the flight systems. Maybe until mid-1995. Maybe longer. f{Z39Over the shoulder supervision is more a need of the manager than the programming task.o2cOur OS who art in CPU, UNIX be thy name. Thy programs run, thy syscalls done, In kernel as it is in user!v1qOur informal mission is to improve the love life of operators worldwide. -- Peter Behrendt, president of Exabyte01Our documentation manager was showing her 2 year old son around the office. He was introduced to me, at which time he pointed out that we were both holding bags of popcorn. We were both holding bottles of juice. But only *__he* had a lollipop. He asked his mother, 'Why doesn't HE have a lollipop?' Her reply: 'He can have a lollipop any time he wants to. That's what it means to be a programmer.' ;;A4Overall, the philosophy is to attack the availability problem from two complementary directions: to reduce the number of software errors through rigorous testing of running systems, and to reduce the effect of the remaining errors by providing for recovery from them. An interesting footnote to this design is that now a system failure can usually be considered to be the result of two program errors: the first, in the program that started the problem; the second, in the recovery routine that could not protect the system. -- A.L. Scherr, 'Functional Structure of IBM Virtual Storage Operating Systems, Part II: OS/VS-2 Concepts and Philosophies,' IBM Systems Journal, Vol. 12, No. 4. Yj7V|Y ?GPause for storage relocation.7>uPasswords are implemented as a result of insecurity.`=E'Pascal is Pascal is Pascal is dog meat.' -- M. Devine and P. Larson, Computer Science 340:<{Pascal is not a high-level language. -- Steven Feiner[;;Pascal is a language for children wanting to be naughty. -- Dr. Kasi Ananthanarayanan:Epanic: kernel trap (ignored)E9panic: kernel segmentation violation. core dumped (only kidding)83panic: can't find /07gOverload -- core meltdown sequence initiated.66sOverflow on /dev/null, please empty the bit bucket.Y57Overconfidence breeds error when we take for granted that the game will continue on its normal course; when we fail to provide for an unusually powerful resource -- a check, a sacrifice, a stalemate. Afterwards the victim may wail, `But who could have dreamt of such an idiotic-looking move?' -- Fred Reinfeld, 'The Complete Chess Course'  L;F #KMProgramming is an unnatural act.J%Programmers used to batch environments may find it hard to live without giant listings; we would find it hard to use them. -- D.M. Ritchie IGProgrammers do it bit by bit.;H}Profanity is the one language all programmers know best. GProf: So the American government went to IBM to come up with a data encryption standard and they came up with ... Student: EBCDIC!'uFo Price Wang's programmer was coding software. His fingers danced upon the keyboard. The program compiled without anCE Premature optimization is the root of all evil. -- D.E. KnuthD'PLUG IT IN!!!C+Please go away.MBPlay Rogue, visit exotic locations, meet strange creatures and kill them.A9PL/I -- 'the fatal disease' -- belongs more to the problem set than to the solution set. -- Edsger W. Dijkstra, SIGPLAN Notices, Volume 17, Number 5U@/Per buck you get more computing action with the small computer. -- R.W. Hamming error message, and the program ran like a gentle wind. Excellent!' the Price exclaimed, 'Your technique is faultless!' 'Technique?' said the programmer, turning from his terminal, 'What I follow is the Tao -- beyond all technique. When I first began to program I would see before me the whole program in one mass. After three years I no longer saw this mass. Instead, I used subroutines. But now I see nothing. My whole being exists in a formless void. My senses are idle. My spirit, free to work without a plan, follows its own instinct. In short, my program writes itself. True, sometimes there are difficult problems. I see them coming, I slow down, I watch silently. Then I change a single line of code and the difficulties vanish like puffs of idle smoke. I then compile the program. I sit still and let the joy of the work fill my being. I close my eyes for a moment and then log off.' Price Wang said, 'Would that all of my programmers were as wise!' -- Geoffrey James, 'The Tao of Programming' jj(MUProposed Additions to the PDP-11 Instruction Set: DC Divide and Conquer DMPK Destroy Memory Protect Key DO Divide and Overflow EMPC Emulate Pocket Calculator EPI Execute Programmer Immediately EROS Erase Read Only Storage EXCE Execute Customer Engineer HCF Halt and Catch Fire IBP Insert Bug and Proceed INSQSW Insert into queue somewhere (for FINO queues [First in never out]) PBC Print and Break Chain PDSK Punch DiskfLQProposed Additions to the PDP-11 Instruction Set: BBW Branch Both Ways BEW Branch Either Way BBBF Branch on Bit Bucket Full BH Branch and Hang BMR Branch Multiple Registers BOB Branch On Bug BPO Branch on Power Off BST Backspace and Stretch Tape CDS Condense and Destroy System CLBR Clobber Register CLBRI Clobber Register Immediately CM Circulate Memory CMFRM Come From -- essential for truly structured programming CPPR Crumple Printer Paper and Rip CRN Convert to Roman Numerals bbRARAM wasn't built in a day.&QSRADIO SHACK LEVEL II BASIC READY >_$POPut no trust in cryptic comments.O+PURGE COMPLETE.N/Proposed Additions to the PDP-11 Instruction Set: PI Punch Invalid POPI Punch Operator Immediately PVLC Punch Variable Length Card RASC Read And Shred Card RPM Read Programmers Mind RSSC reduce speed, step carefully (for improved accuracy) RTAB Rewind tape and break RWDSK rewind disk RWOC Read Writing On Card SCRBL scribble to disk - faster than a write SLC Search for Lost Chord SPSW Scramble Program Status Word SRSD Seek Record and Scar Disk STROM Store in Read Only Memory TDB Transfer and Drop Bit WBT Water Binary Tree TEReactor error - core dumped!|S}Rattling around the back of my head is a disturbing image of something I saw at the airport ... Now I'm remembering, those giant piles of computer magazines right next to 'People' and 'Time' in the airport store. Does it bother anyone else that half the world is being told all of our hard-won secrets of computer technology? Remember how all the lawyers cried foul when 'How to Avoid Probate' was published? Are they taking no-fault insurance lying down? No way! But at the current rate it won't be long before there are stacks of the 'Transactions on Information Theory' at the A&P checkout counters. Who's going to be impressed with us electrical engineers then? Are we, as the saying goes, giving away the store? -- Robert W. Lucky, IEEE President j=DjVY1Real computer scientists don't write code. They occasionally tinker with `programming systems', but those are so high level that they hardly count (and rarely count accurately; precision is for applications).~XReal computer scientists don't program in assembler. They don't write in anything less portable than a number two pencil.uWoReal computer scientists don't comment their code. The identifiers are so long they can't afford the disk space.*VYReal computer scientists despise the idea of actual hardware. Hardware has limitations, software doesn't. It's a real shame that Turing machines are so poor at I/O.U'Real computer scientists admire ADA for its overwhelming aesthetic value but they find it difficult to actually program in it, as it is much too large to implement. Most computer scientists don't notice this because they are still arguing over what else to add to ADA. >T>)_WReal programmers don't draw flowcharts. Flowcharts are, after all, the illiterate's form of documentation. Cavemen drew flowcharts; look how much good it did them.f^QReal programmers don't comment their code. It was hard to write, it should be hard to understand.]-Real programmers don't bring brown-bag lunches. If the vending machine doesn't sell it, they don't eat it. Vending machines don't sell quiche.Z\9Real programmers disdain structured programming. Structured programming is for compulsive neurotics who were prematurely toilet- trained. They wear neckties and carefully line up pencils on otherwise clear desks.H[Real computer scientists only write specs for languages that might run on future hardware. Nobody trusts them to write specs for anything homo sapiens will ever be able to fit on a single planet.gZSReal computer scientists like having a computer on their desk, else how could they read their mail? *?*gReal Programs don't use shared text. Otherwise, how can they use functions for scratch space after they are finished calling them?!fIReal programs don't eat cache.Be Real Programmers think better when playing Adventure or Rogue.ydwReal Programmers don't write in PL/I. PL/I is for programmers who can't decide whether to write in COBOL or FORTRAN.!cGReal Programmers don't write in FORTRAN. FORTRAN is for pipe stress freaks and crystallography weenies. FORTRAN is for wimp engineers who wear white socks.kb[Real programmers don't write in BASIC. Actually, no programmers write in BASIC after reaching puberty.aReal Programmers don't play tennis, or any other sport that requires you to change clothes. Mountain climbing is OK, and real programmers wear their climbing boots to work in case a mountain should suddenly spring up in the middle of the machine room.L`Real Programmers don't eat quiche. They eat Twinkies and Szechwan food. @-`@ckKReal Users are afraid they'll break the machine -- but they're never afraid to break your face.6jqReal software engineers work from 9 to 5, because that is the way the job is described in the formal spec. Working late would feel like using an undocumented external procedure.IiReal software engineers don't like the idea of some inexplicable and greasy hardware several aisles away that may stop working at any moment. They have a great distrust of hardware people, and wish that systems could be virtual at *___all* levels. They would like personal computers (you know no one's going to trip over something and kill your DFA in mid-transit), except that they need 8 megabytes to run their Correctness Verification Aid packages.Oh#Real software engineers don't debug programs, they verify correctness. This process doesn't necessarily involve execution of anything on a computer, except perhaps a Correctness Verification Aid package. arAa)a"uKRemember: use logout to logout.5tqRemember, UNIX spelled backwards is XINU. -- Mt.hsURemember, God could only create the world in 6 days because he didn't have an established user base.5rqRemember the good old days, when CPU was singular?Nq!Recursion is the root of computation since it trades description for time.%pQReal Users never use the Help key.doMReal Users never know what they want, but they always know when your program doesn't deliver it..ncReal Users know your home telephone number.$mOReal Users hate Real Programmers.dlMReal Users find the one combination of bizarre input values that shuts down the system for days. JoU|/SCCS, the source motel! Programs check in and never check out! -- Ken Thompson({WSay 'twenty-three-skiddoo' to logout.'zUSave yourself! Reboot in 5 seconds!!yISave gas, don't use the shell.'xUSave energy: Drive a smaller shell.5wqRow, row, row your bits, gently down the stream...2vi Risch's decision procedure for integration, not surprisingly, uses a recursion on the number and type of the extensions from the rational functions needed to represent the integrand. Although the algorithm follows and critically depends upon the appropriate structure of the input, as in the case of multivariate factorization, we cannot claim that the algorithm is a natural one. In fact, the creator of differential algebra, Ritt, committed suicide in the early 1950's, largely, it is claimed, because few paid attention to his work. Probably he would have received more attention had he obtained the algorithm as well. -- Joel Moses, 'Algorithms and Complexity', ed. J.F. Traub Scotty: Captain, we din' can reference it! Kirk: Analysis, Mr. Spock? Spock: Captain, it doesn't appear in the symbol table. Kirk: Then it's of external origin? Spock: Affirmative. Kirk: Mr. Sulu, go to pass two. Sulu: Aye aye, sir, going to pass two. ~Scientists were preparing an experiment to ask the ultimate question. They had worked for months gathering one each of every computer that was built. Finally the big day was at hand. All the computers were linked together. They asked the question, 'Is there a God?'. Lights started blinking, flashing and blinking some more. Suddenly, there was a loud crash, and a bolt of lightning came down from the sky, struck the computers, and welded all the connections permanently together. 'There is now', came the reply.C} Science is to computer science as hydrodynamics is to plumbing. "KSecurity check: INTRUDER ALERT!'Section 2.4.3.5 AWNS (Acceptor Wait for New Cycle State). In AWNS the AH function indicates that it has received a multiline message byte. In AWNS the RFD message must be sent false and the DAC message must be sent passive true. The AH function must exit the AWNS and enter: (1) The ANRS if DAV is false (2) The AIDS if the ATN message is false and neither: (a) The LADS is active (b) Nor LACS is active' -- from the IEEE Standard Digital Interface for Programmable Instrumentation ^ASeems a computer engineer, a systems analyst, and a programmer were driving down a mountain when the brakes gave out. They screamed down the mountain, gaining speed, but finally managed to grind to a halt, more by luck than anything else, just inches from a thousand foot drop to jagged rocks. They all got out of the car: The computer engineer said, 'I think I can fix it.' The systems analyst said, 'No, no, I think we should take it into town and have a specialist look at it.' The programmer said, 'OK, but first I think we should get back in and see if it does it again.' =Y=9Send some filthy mail.#K SEMINAR ANNOUNCEMENT Title: Are Frogs Turing Compatible? Speaker: Don 'The Lion' Knuth ABSTRACT Several researchers at the University of Louisiana have been studying the computing power of various amphibians, frogs in particular. The problem of frog computability has become a critical issue that ranges across all areas of computer science. It has been shown that anything computable by an amphi- bian community in a fixed-size pond is computable by a frog in the same-size pond -- that is to say, frogs are Pond-space complete. We will show that there is a log-space, polywog-time reduction from any Turing machine program to a frog. We will suggest these represent a proper subset of frog-computable functions. This is not just a let's-see-how-far-those-frogs-can-jump seminar. This is only for hardcore amphibian-computation people and their colleagues. Refreshments will be served. Music will be played. >}>a GSimulations are like miniskirts, they show a lot and hide the essentials. -- Hubert KirrmanW3Shopping at this grody little computer store at the Galleria for a totally awwwesome Apple. Fer suuure. I mean Apples are nice you know? But, you know, there is this cute guy who works there and HE says that VAX's are cooler! I mean I don't really know, you know? He says that he has this totally tubular VAX at home and it's stuffed with memory-to-the-max! Right, yeah. And he wants to take me home to show it to me. Oh My God! I'm suuure. Gag me with a Prime! GShe sells cshs by the cshore.na Several students were asked to prove that all odd integers are prime. The first student to try to do this was a math student. 'Hmmm... Well, 1 is prime, 3 is prime, 5 is prime, and by induction, we have that all the odd integers are pr.cKSendmail may be safely run set-user-id to root. -- Eric Allman, 'Sendmail Installation Guide'ime.' The second student to try was a man of physics who commented, 'I'm not sure of the validity of your proof, but I think I'll try to prove it by experiment.' He continues, 'Well, 1 is prime, 3 is prime, 5 is prime, 7 is prime, 9 is... uh, 9 is... uh, 9 is an experimental error, 11 is prime, 13 is prime... Well, it seems that you're right.' The third student to try it was the engineering student, who responded, 'Well, to be honest, actually, I'm not sure of your answer either. Let's see... 1 is prime, 3 is prime, 5 is prime, 7 is prime, 9 is... uh, 9 is... well, if you approximate, 9 is prime, 11 is prime, 13 is prime... Well, it does seem right.' Not to be outdone, the computer science student comes along and says 'Well, you two sort've got the right idea, but you'll end up taking too long! I've just whipped up a program to REALLY go and prove it.' He goes over to his terminal and runs his program. Reading the output on the screen he says, '1 is prime, 1 is prime, 1 is prime, 1 is prime...' MMo cSoftware production is assumed to be a line function, but it is run like a staff function. -- Paul Lickerl ]So you see Antonio, why worry about one little core dump, eh? In reality all core dumps happen at the same instant, so the core dump you will have tomorrow, why, it already happened. You see, it's just a little universal recursive joke which threads our lives through the infinite potential of the instant. So go to sleep, Antonio, your thread could break any moment and cast you out of the safe security of the instant into the dark void of eternity, the anti-time. So go to sleep...@ Slowly and surely the unix crept up on the Nintendo user ... skldfjkljklsR%^&(IXDRTYju187pkasdjbasdfbuil h;asvgy8p 23r1vyui135 2 kmxsij90TYDFS$$b jkzxdjkl bjnk ;j nk;<[][;-==-<<<<<';[, [hjioasdvbnuio;buip^&(FTSD$%*VYUI:buio;sdf}[asdf'] sdoihjfh(_YU*G&F^*CTY98y Now look what you've gone and done! You've broken it! gsU/Somebody's terminal is dropping bits. I found a pile of them over in the corner. Some programming languages manage to absorb change, but withstand progress. -- Epigrams in Programming, ACM SIGPLAN Sept. 1982iWSome people claim that the UNIX learning curve is steep, but at least you only have to climb it once. Some of my readers ask me what a 'Serial Port' is. The answer is: I don't know. Is it some kind of wine you have with breakfast? Software suppliers are trying to make their software packages more 'user-friendly'. ... Their best approach, so far, has been to take all the old brochures, and stamp the words, 'user-friendly' on the cover. -- Bill Gates, Microsoft, Inc. [Pot. Kettle. Black.] W3 Something mysterious is formed, born in the silent void. Waiting alone and unmoving, it is at once still and yet in constant motion. It is the source of all programs. I do not know its name, so I will call it the Tao of Programming. If the Tao is great, then the operating system is great. If the operating system is great, then the compiler is great. If the compiler is greater, then the applications is great. The user is pleased and there is harmony in the world. The Tao of Programming flows far away and returns on the wind of morning. -- Geoffrey James, 'The Tao of Programming' JV6sStaff meeting in the conference room in %d minutes.hU***** Special AI Seminar (abstract) It has been widely recognized that AI programs require expert knowledge in order to perform well in complex domains. But knowledge alone is not sufficient for some applications; wisdom is neede32iSpeaking as someone who has delved into the intricacies of PL/I, I am sure that only Real Men could have written such a machine-hogging, cycle-grabbing, all-encompassing monster. Allocate an array and free the middle third? Sure! Why not? Multiply a character string times a bit string and assign the result to a float decimal? Go ahead! Free a controlled variable procedure parameter and reallocate it before passing it back? Overlay three different types of variable on the same memory location? Anything you say! Write a recursive macro? Well, no, but Real Men use rescan. How could a language so obviously designed and written by Real Men not be intended for Real Man use?d as well. Accordingly, we have developed a new approach to artificial intelligence which we call 'wisdom engineering'. As a test of our ideas, we have written IMMANUEL, a wisdom based system for the task domain of western philosophical thought. IMMANUEL was supplied initially with 200 wisdom units which contained wisdom about such elementary concepts as mind, matter, being, nothingness, and so forth. IMMANUEL was then allowed to run freely, guided by the heuristic rules contained in its heterarchically organized meta wisdom base. IMMANUEL succeeded in rediscovering most of the important philosophical ideas developed in western culture over the course of the last 25 centuries, including those underlying Plato's theory of government, Kant's metaphysics, Nietzsche's theory of value, and Husserl's phenomenology. In this seminar, we will describe IMMANUEL's achievements and internal architecture. We will also briefly discuss our recent efforts to apply wisdom engineering to oil exploration. *]*W3 Stop! Whoever crosseth the bridge of Death, must answer first these questions three, ere the other side he see! 'What is your name?' 'Sir Brian of Bell.' 'What is your quest?' 'I seek the Holy Grail.' 'What are four lowercase letters that are not legal flag arguments to the Berkeley UNIX version of `ls'?' 'I, er.... AIIIEEEEEE!'aGStinginess with privileges is kindness in disguise. -- Guide to VAX/VMS Security, Sep. 1984peStill a few bugs in the system... Someday I have to tell you about Uncle Nahum from Maine, who spent years trying to cross a jellyfish with a shad so he could breed boneless shad. His experiment backfired too, and he wound up with bony jellyfish... which was hardly worth the trouble. There's very little call for those up there. -- Allucquere R. 'Sandy' StonehUStandards are crucial. And the best thing about standards is: there are so ____many to choose from!5qStaff meeting in the conference room in 3 minutes.s of programming. One former student developed the concept of the personalized form letter. Does the phrase, 'Dear Mr.(insert name), You may already be a winner!,' sound familiar? Another student writes 'After only five lessons I sold a 'My Most Unforgettable Program' article to Corrosive Computing magazine. Another of our graduates writes, 'I recently completed a database-management program for my department manager. My program touched him so deeply that he was speechless. He told me later that he had never seen such a program in his entire career. Thank you, Famous Programmers' school; only you could have made this possible.' Send for our introductory brochure which explains in vague detail the operation of the Famous Programmers' School, and you'll be eligible to win a possible chance to enter a drawing, the winner of which can vie for a set of free steak knives. If you don't do it now, you'll hate yourself in the morning. h USyntactic sugar causes cancer of the semicolon. -- Epigrams in Programming, ACM SIGPLAN Sept. 1982(WSwap read error. You lose your mind.(USuppose for a moment that the automobile industry had developed at the same rate as computers and over the same period: how much cheaper and more efficient would the current models be? If you have not already heard the analogy, the answer is shattering. Today you would be able to buy a Rolls-Royce for $2.75, it would do three million miles to the gallon, and it would deliver enough power to drive the Queen Elizabeth II. And if you were interested in miniaturization, you could place half a dozen of them on a pinhead. -- Christopher Evans.aSuch efforts are almost always slow, laborious, political, petty, boring, ponderous, thankless, and of the utmost criticality. -- Leonard Kleinrock, on standards efforts9 *** STUDENT SUCCESSES *** Many of our students have gone on to achieve great success in all field5 lW2flv*qTeX is potentially the most significant invention in typesetting in this century. It introduces a standard language for computer typography, and in terms of importance could rank near the introduction of the Gutenberg press. -- Gordon BellO)#Testing can show the presense of bugs, but not their absence. -- DijkstraL(Systems programmers are the high priests of a low cult. -- R.S. Barton5'oSystems have sub-systems and sub-systems have sub-systems and so on ad infinitum -- which is why we're always starting over. -- Epigrams in Programming, ACM SIGPLAN Sept. 1982O&# *** System shutdown message from root *** System going down in 60 seconds%ASystem restarting, wait..."$KSystem going down in 5 minutes.C# System going down at 5 this afternoon to install scheduler bug.?"System going down at 1:45 this afternoon for disk crashing.!CSystem checkpoint complete. gKw&/QThat's the thing about people who think they hate computers. What they really hate is lousy programmers. -- Larry Niven and Jerry Pournelle in 'Oath of Fealty'3.k 'That's right; the upper-case shift works fine on the screen, but they're not coming out on the damn printer... Hold? Sure, I'll hold.' -- e.e. cummings last service callP-%... that the notions of 'hardware', and 'software' should be extended by the notion of LIVEWARE - being that which produces software for use on hardware. This produces an obvious extension to the concept of MONITORS. A liveware monitor is a person dedicated to the task of ensuring that the liveware does not interfere with the real-time processes, invoking the REAL-TIME EXECUTIONER to delete liveware that adversely affects ... -- Linden and Wihelminalaan,9That does not compute.+/'Text processing has made it possible to right-justify any idea, even one which cannot be justified on any other grounds.' -- J. Finnegan, USC. cC`3cL6'The bad reputation UNIX has gotten is totally undeserved, laid on by people who don't understand, who have not gotten in there and tried anything.' -- Jim Joyce, owner of Jim Joyce's UNIX Bookstore'5SThe Analytical Engine weaves Algebraical patterns just as the Jacquard loom weaves flowers and leaves. -- Ada Augusta, Countess of Lovelace, the first programmer4'The algorithm to do that is extremely nasty. You might want to mug someone with it.' -- M. Devine, Computer Science 3403#The algorithm for finding the longest path in a graph is NP-complete. For you systems people, that means it's *real slow*. -- Bart MillerM2The absence of labels [in ECL] is probably a good thing. -- T. Cheathamt1mThe 11 is for people with the pride of a 10 and the pocketbook of an 8. -- R.B. Greenberg [referring to PDPs?]C0 The 'cutting edge' is getting rather dull. -- Andy Purshottam v" <The bugs you have to avoid are the ones that give the user not only the inclination to get on a plane, but also the time. -- Kay BosticQ;'The Buddha, the Godhead, resides quite as comfortably in the circuits of a digital computer or the gears of a cycle transmission as he does at the top of a mountain or in the petals of a flower. To think otherwise is to demean the Buddha -- which is to demean oneself. -- Robert Pirsig, 'Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance'":KThe bogosity meter just pegged.Q9'The best way to accelerate a Macintoy is at 9.8 meters per second per second. 8The best book on programming for the layman is 'Alice in Wonderland'; but that's because it's the best book on anything for the layman.w7sThe beer-cooled computer does not harm the ozone layer. -- John M. Ford, a.k.a. Dr. Mike [If I can read my notes from the Ask Dr. Mike session at Baycon, I believe he added that the beer-cooled computer uses 'Forget Only Memory'. Ed.] )u,48) CThe connection between the language in which we think/program and the problems and solutions we can imagine is very close. For this reason restricting language features with the intent of eliminating programmer errors is at best dangerous. -- Bjarne StroustrupJBThe computing field is always in need of new cliches. -- Alan Perlis AG'The Computer made me do it.'@The computer is to the information industry roughly what the central power station is to the electrical industry. -- Peter Druckert?mThe computer industry is journalists in their 20's standing in awe of entrepreneurs in their 30's who are hiring salesmen in their 40's and 50's and paying them in the 60's and 70's to bring their marketing into the 80's. -- Marty WinstonF>The clothes have no emperor. -- C.A.R. Hoare, commenting on ADA.='The C Programming Language -- A language which combines the flexibility of assembly language with the power of assembly language.' F [&H;'The eleventh commandment was `Thou Shalt Compute' or `Thou Shalt Not Compute' -- I forget which.' -- Epigrams in Programming, ACM SIGPLAN Sept. 19822GkThe disks are getting full; purge a file today.-F_The difference between art and science is that science is what we understand well enough to explain to a computer. Art is everything else. -- Donald Knuth, 'Discover'7EuThe debate rages on: Is PL/I Bachtrian or Dromedary?6DqThe day-to-day travails of the IBM programmer are so amusing to most of us who are fortunate enough never to have been one -- like watching Charlie Chaplin trying to cook a shoe. ttI The FIELD GUIDE to NORTH AMERICAN MALES SPECIES: Cranial Males SUBSPECIES: The Hacker (homo computatis) Courtship & Mating: Due to extreme deprivation, HOMO COMPUTATIS maintains a near perpetual state of sexual readiness. Courtship behavior alternates between awkward shyness and abrupt advances. When he finally mates, he chooses a female engineer with an unblinking stare, a tight mouth, and a complete collection of Campbell's soup-can recipes. Track: Trash cans full of pale green and white perforated paper and old copies of the Allen-Bradley catalog. Comments: Extremely fond of bad puns and jokes that need long explanations. tJm The FIELD GUIDE to NORTH AMERICAN MALES SPECIES: Cranial Males SUBSPECIES: The Hacker (homo computatis) Description: Gangly and frail, the hacker has a high forehead and thinning hair. Head disproportionately large and crooked forward, complexion wan and sightly gray from CRT illumination. He has heavy black-rimmed glasses and a look of intense concentration, which may be due to a software problem or to a pork-and-bean breakfast. Feathering: HOMO COMPUTATIS saw a Brylcreem ad fifteen years ago and believed it. Consequently, crest is greased down, except for the cowlick. Song: A rather plaintive 'Is it up?' ; NThe flow chart is a most thoroughly oversold piece of program documentation. -- Frederick Brooks, 'The Mythical Man Month'-MaThe first version always gets thrown away.LThe first time, it's a KLUDGE! The second, a trick. Later, it's a well-established technique! -- Mike Broido, Intermetrics=K The FIELD GUIDE to NORTH AMERICAN MALES SPECIES: Cranial Males SUBSPECIES: The Hacker (homo computatis) Plumage: All clothes have a slightly crumpled look as though they came off the top of the laundry basket. Style varies with status. Hacker managers wear gray polyester slacks, pink or pastel shirts with wide collars, and paisley ties; staff wears cinched-up baggy corduroy pants, white or blue shirts with button-down collars, and penholder in pocket. Both managers and staff wear running shoes to work, and a black plastic digital watch with calculator. ::CP The fountain code has been tightened slightly so you can no longer dip objects into a fountain or drink from one while you are floating in mid-air due to levitation. Teleporting to hell via a teleportation trap will no longer occur if the character does not have fire resistance. -- README file from the NetHack game{O{The following quote is from page 4-27 of the MSCP Basic Disk Functions Manual which is part of the UDA50 Programmers Doc Kit manuals: As stated above, the host area of a disk is structured as a vector of logical blocks. From a performance viewpoint, however, it is more appropriate to view the host area as a four dimensional hyper-cube, the four dimensions being cylinder, group, track, and sector. . . . Referring to our hyper-cube analogy, the set of potentially accessible blocks form a line parallel to the track axis. This line moves parallel to the sector axis, wrapping around when it reaches the edge of the hyper-cube. pQeThe goal of Computer Science is to build something that will last at least until we've finished building it. --OR#The Gurus of Unix Meeting of Minds (GUMM) takes place Wednesday, April 1, 2076 (check THAT in your perpetual calendar program), 14 feet above the ground directly in front of the Milpitas Gumps. Members will grep each other by the hand (after intro), yacc a lot, smoke filtered chroots in pipes, chown with forks, use the wc (unless uuclean), fseek nice zombie processes, strip, and sleep, but not, we hope, od. Three days will be devoted to discussion of the ramifications of whodo. Two seconds have been allotted for a complete rundown of all the user- friendly features of Unix. Seminars include 'Everything You Know is Wrong', led by Tom Kempson, 'Batman or Cat:man?' led by Richie Dennis 'cc C? Si! Si!' led by Kerwin Bernighan, and 'Document Unix, Are You Kidding?' led by Jan Yeats. No Reader Service No. is necessary because all GUGUs (Gurus of Unix Group of Users) already know everything we could tell them. -- 'Get GUMMed,' Dr. Dobb's Journal, June '84-grain 9mm ammunition. The owner of the Uzi is going to get more tactical firepower delivered -- and delivered on target -- in less time, and with less effort. All for $795. It's inevitable. If you're going up against some guy with an Osborne 1 -- or any personal computer -- he's the one who's in trouble. One round from an Uzi can zip through ten inches of solid pine wood, so you can imagine what it will do to structural foam acrylic and sheet aluminum. In fact, detachable magazines for the Uzi are available in 25-, 32-, and 40-round capacities, so you can take out an entire office full of Apple II or IBM Personal Computers tied into Ethernet or other local-area networks. What about the new 16-bit computers, like the Lisa and Fortune? Even with the Winchester backup, they're no match for the Uzi. One quick burst and they'll find out what Unix means. Make your commanding officer proud. Get an Uzi -- and come home a winner in the fight for office automatic weapons. -- 'InfoWorld', June, 1984 eA]etWmThe idea that an arbitrary naive human should be able to properly use a given tool without training or understanding is even more wrong for computing than it is for other tools (e.g. automobiles, airplanes, guns, power saws). -- Doug GwynoVcThe IBM purchase of ROLM gives new meaning to the term 'twisted pair'. -- Howard Anderson, 'Yankee Group'oUcThe IBM 2250 is impressive ... if you compare it with a system selling for a tenth its price. -- D. Cohen|T}The human mind ordinarily operates at only ten percent of its capacity -- the rest is overhead for the operating system.4Sm The Guy on the Right Doesn't Stand a Chance The guy on the right has the Osborne 1, a fully functional computer system in a portable package the size of a briefcase. The guy on the left has an Uzi submachine gun concealed in his attache case. Also in the case are four fully loaded, 32-round clips of 125C T`ZE THE LESSER-KNOWN PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES #10: SIMPLE SIMPLE is an acronym for Sheer Idiot's Monopurpose Programming Language Environment. This language, developed at the Hanover College for Technological Misfits, was designed to make it impossible to write code with errors in it. The statements are, therefore, confined to BEGIN, END and STOP. No matter how you arrange the statements, you can't make a syntax error. Programs written in SIMPLE do nothing useful. Thus they achieve the results of programs written in other languages without the tedious, frustrating process of testing and debugging.5YqThe less time planning, the more time programming.(XUThe last time somebody said, 'I find I can write much better with a word processor.', I replied, 'They used to say the same thing about drugs.' -- Roy Blount, Jr. o\c THE LESSER-KNOWN PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES #13: SLOBOL SLOBOL is best known for the speed, or lack of it, of its compiler. Although many compilers allow you to take a coffee break while they compile, SLOBOL compilers allow you to travel to Bolivia to pick the coffee. Forty-three programmers are known to have died of boredom sitting at their terminals while waiting for a SLOBOL program to compile. Weary SLOBOL programmers often turn to a related (but infinitely faster) language, COCAINE.n[a THE LESSER-KNOWN PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES #12: LITHP This otherwise unremarkable language is distinguished by the absence of an 'S' in its character set; users must substitute 'TH'. LITHP is said to be useful in protheththing lithtth. mm]# THE LESSER-KNOWN PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES #14 -- VALGOL VALGOL is enjoying a dramatic surge of popularity across the industry. VALGOL commands include REALLY, LIKE, WELL, and Y*KNOW. Variables are assigned with the =LIKE and =TOTALLY operators. Other operators include the 'California booleans', AX and NOWAY. Loops are accomplished with the FOR SURE construct. A simple example: LIKE, Y*KNOW(I MEAN)START IF PIZZA =LIKE BITCHEN AND GUY =LIKE TUBULAR AND VALLEY GIRL =LIKE GRODY**MAX(FERSURE)**2 THEN FOR I =LIKE 1 TO OH*MAYBE 100 DO*WAH - (DITTY**2); BARF(I)=TOTALLY GROSS(OUT) SURE LIKE, BAG THIS PROGRAM; REALLY; LIKE TOTALLY(Y*KNOW); IM*SURE GOTO THE MALL VALGOL is also characterized by its unfriendly error messages. For example, when the user makes a syntax error, the interpreter displays the message GAG ME WITH A SPOON! A successful compile may be termed MAXIMALLY AWESOME! _9 THE LESSER-KNOWN PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES #16: C- This language was named for the grade received by its creator when he submitted it as a class project in a graduate programming class. C- is best described as a 'low-level' programming language. In fact, the language generally requires more C- statements than machine-code statements to execute a given task. In this respect, it is very similar to COBOL.v^q THE LESSER-KNOWN PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES #15 -- DOGO Developed at the Massachusetts Institute of Obedience Training, DOGO DOGO heralds a new era of computer-literate pets. DOGO commands include SIT, STAY, HEEL, and ROLL OVER. An innovative feature of DOGO is 'puppy graphics', a small cocker spaniel that occasionally leaves a deposit as it travels across the screen. V`1 THE LESSER-KNOWN PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES #17: SARTRE Named after the late existential philosopher, SARTRE is an extremely unstructured language. Statements in SARTRE have no purpose; they just are. Thus SARTRE programs are left to define their own functions. SARTRE programmers tend to be boring and depressed, and are no fun at parties. BB:ay THE LESSER-KNOWN PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES #18: FIFTH FIFTH is a precision mathematical language in which the data types refer to quantity. The data types range from CC, OUNCE, SHOT, and JIGGER to FIFTH (hence the name of the language), LITER, MAGNUM and BLOTTO. Commands refer to ingredients such as CHABLIS, CHARDONNAY, CABERNET, GIN, VERMOUTH, VODKA, SCOTCH, and WHATEVERSAROUND. The many versions of the FIFTH language reflect the sophistication and financial status of its users. Commands in the ELITE dialect include VSOP and LAFITE, while commands in the GUTTER dialect include HOOTCH and RIPPLE. The latter is a favorite of frustrated FORTH programmers who end up using this language. qbg THE LESSER-KNOWN PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES #2: RENE Named after the famous French philosopher and mathematician Rene DesCartes, RENE is a language used for artificial intelligence. The language is being developed at the Chicago Center of Machine Politics and Programming under a grant from the Jane Byrne Victory Fund. A spokesman described the language as 'Just as great as dis [sic] city of ours.' The center is very pleased with progress to date. They say they have almost succeeded in getting a VAX to think. However, sources inside the organization say that each time the machine fails to think it ceases to exist. 1diThe Macintosh is Xerox technology at its best.c! THE LESSER-KNOWN PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES #8: LAIDBACK This language was developed at the Marin County Center for T'ai Chi, Mellowness and Computer Programming (now defunct), as an alternative to the more intense atmosphere in nearby Silicon Valley. The center was ideal for programmers who liked to soak in hot tubs while they worked. Unfortunately few programmers could survive there because the center outlawed Pizza and Coca-Cola in favor of Tofu and Perrier. Many mourn the demise of LAIDBACK because of its reputation as a gentle and non-threatening language since all error messages are in lower case. For example, LAIDBACK responded to syntax errors with the message: 'i hate to bother you, but i just can't relate to that. can you find the time to try it again?'aster waited in silence. 'This is an integrated, distributed, general-purpose workstation,' began the magician, 'ergonomically designed with a proprietary operating system, sixth generation languages, and multiple state of the art user interfaces. It took my assistants several hundred man years to construct. Is it not amazing?' The master raised his eyebrows slightly. 'It is indeed amazing,' he said. 'Corporate Headquarters has commanded,' continued the magician, 'that everyone use this workstation as a platform for new programs. Do you agree to this?' 'Certainly,' replied the master, 'I will have it transported to the data center immediately!' And the magician returned to his tower, well pleased. Several days later, a novice wandered into the office of the master programmer and said, 'I cannot find the listing for my new program. Do you know where it might be?' 'Yes,' replied the master, 'the listings are stacked on the platform in the data center.' -- Geoffrey James, 'The Tao of Programming' 'DD'h5The meta-Turing test counts a thing as intelligent if it seeks to devise and apply Turing tests to objects of its own creation. -- Lew Mammel, Jr.~gThe meat is rotten, but the booze is holding out. Computer translation of 'The spirit is willing, but the flesh is weak.'|f} The master programmer moves from program to program without fear. No change in management can harm him. He will not be fired, even if the project is canceled. Why is this? He is filled with the Tao. -- Geoffrey James, 'The Tao of Programming'0ee The Magician of the Ivory Tower brought his latest invention for the master programmer to examine. The magician wheeled a large black box into the master's office while the mM G;l}The moving cursor writes, and having written, blinks on.ekOThe most important early product on the way to developing a good product is an imperfect version.j'The more data I punch in this card, the lighter it becomes, and the lower the mailing cost. -- S. Kelly-Bootle, 'The Devil's DP Dictionary' iEThe misnaming of fields of study is so common as to lead to what might be general systems laws. For example, Frank Harary once suggested the law that any field that had the word 'science' in its name was guaranteed thereby not to be a science. He would cite as examples Military Science, Library Science, Political Science, Homemaking Science, Social Science, and Computer Science. Discuss the generality of this law, and possible reasons for its predictive power. -- Gerald Weinberg, 'An Introduction to General Systems Thinking' q/qmr_The notion of a 'record' is an obsolete remnant of the days of the 80-column card. -- Dennis M. RitchieKqThe nicest thing about the Alto is that it doesn't run faster at night.mp_The nice thing about standards is that there are so many of them to choose from. -- Andrew S. Tanenbaummo_The next person to mention spaghetti stacks to me is going to have his head knocked off. -- Bill Conrad}nThe New Testament offers the basis for modern computer coding theory, in the form of an affirmation of the binary number system. But let your communication be Yea, yea; nay, nay: for whatsoever is more than these cometh of evil. -- Matthew 5:37lm]The net is like a vast sea of lutefisk with tiny dinosaur brains embedded in it here and there. Any given spoonful will likely have an IQ of 1, but occasional spoonfuls may have an IQ more than six times that! -- James 'Kibo' Parry 2.4<2zThe personal computer market is about the same size as the total potato chip market. Next year it will be about half the size of the pet food market and is fast approaching the total worldwide sales of pantyhose' -- James Finke, Commodore Int'l Ltd., 1982yThe party adjourned to a hot tub, yes. Fully clothed, I might add. -- IBM employee, testifying in California State Supreme Court7xuThe only thing worse than X Windows: (X Windows) - X0wgThe only thing cheaper than hardware is talk.qvgThe only difference between a car salesman and a computer salesman is that the car salesman knows he's lying.u The number of UNIX installations has grown to 10, with more expected. -- The Unix Programmer's Manual, 2nd Edition, June 1972ntaThe number of computer scientists in a room is inversely proportional to the number of bugs in their code.^sAThe number of arguments is unimportant unless some of them are correct. -- Ralph Hartley {}C The problem with engineers is that they tend to cheat in order to get results. The problem with mathematicians is that they tend to work on toy problems in order to get results. The problem with program verifiers is that they tend to cheat at toy problems in order to get results.x|uThe primary purpose of the DATA statement is to give names to constants; instead of referring to pi as 3.141592653589793 at every appearance, the variable PI can be given that value with a DATA statement and used instead of the longer form of the constant. This also simplifies modifying the program, should the value of pi change. -- FORTRAN manual for Xerox Computers{The primary function of the design engineer is to make things difficult for the fabricator and impossible for the serviceman. e3e,]The proof that IBM didn't invent the car is that it has a steering wheel and an accelerator instead of spurs and ropes, to be compatible with a horse. -- Jac Goudsmit]? The programmers of old were mysterious and profound. We cannot fathom their thoughts, so all we do is describe their appearance. Aware, like a fox crossing the water. Alert, like a general on the battlefield. Kind, like a hostess greeting her guests. Simple, like uncarved blocks of wood. Opaque, like black pools in darkened caves. Who can tell the secrets of their hearts and minds? The answer exists only in the Tao. -- Geoffrey James, 'The Tao of Programming':{The program isn't debugged until the last user is dead.I~The problems of business administration in general, and database management in particular are much to difficult for people that think in IBMese, compounded with sloppy english. -- Edsger Dijkstra ({1hG(;The so-called 'desktop metaphor' of today's workstations is instead an 'airplane-seat' metaphor. Anyone who has shuffled a lap full of papers while seated between two portly passengers will recognize the difference -- one can see only a very few things at once. -- Fred Brooks.aThe sendmail configuration file is one of those files that looks like someone beat their head on the keyboard. After working with it... I can see why! -- Harry Skelton The salesman and the system analyst took off to spend a weekend in the forest, hunting bear. TheyU>The road to hell is paved with NAND gates. -- J. Gooding The relative importance of files depends on their cost in terms of the human effort needed to regenerate them. -- T.A. DolottaGThe reason computer chips are so small is computers don't eat much.The question of whether computers can think is just like the question of whether submarines can swim. -- Edsger W. Dijkstra'd rented a cabin, and, when they got there, took their backpacks off and put them inside. At which point the salesman turned to his friend, and said, 'You unpack while I go and find us a bear.' Puzzled, the analyst finished unpacking and then went and sat down on the porch. Soon he could hear rustling noises in the forest. The noises got nearer -- and louder -- and suddenly there was the salesman, running like hell across the clearing toward the cabin, pursued by one of the largest and most ferocious grizzly bears the analyst had ever seen. 'Open the door!', screamed the salesman. The analyst whipped open the door, and the salesman ran to the door, suddenly stopped, and stepped aside. The bear, unable to stop, continued through the door and into the cabin. The salesman slammed the door closed and grinned at his friend. 'Got him!', he exclaimed, 'now, you skin this one and I'll go rustle us up another!' ^C  The system will be down for 10 days for preventive maintenance.C  The system was down for backups from 5am to 10am last Saturday. A THE STORY OF CREATION or THE MYTH OF URK In the beginning there was data. The data was without form and null, and darkness was upon the face of the console; and the Spirit of IBM was moving over the face of the market. And DEC said, 'Let there be registers;' and there were registers. And DEC saw that they carried; and DEC separated the data from the instructions. DEC called the data Stack, and the instructions they called Code. And there was evening and there was morning, one interrupt ... -- Rico Tudor7 uThe steady state of disks is full. -- Ken Thompson @The tao that can be tar(1)ed is not the entire Tao. The path that can be specified is not the Full Path. We declare the names of all variables and functions. Yet the Tao has no type specifier. Dynamically binding, you realize the magic. Statically binding, you see only the hierarchy. Yet magic and hierarchy arise from the same source, and this source has a null pointer. Reference the NULL within NULL, it is the gateway to all wizardry.\=The Tao is like a glob pattern: used but never used up. It is like the extern void: filled with infinite possibilities. It is masked but always present. I don't know who built to it. It came before the first kernel.@ The Tao doesn't take sides; it gives birth to both wins and losses. The Guru doesn't take sides; she welcomes both hackers and lusers. The Tao is like a stack: the data changes but not the structure. the more you use it, the deeper it becomes; the more you talk of it, the less you understand. Hold on to the root. GThe value of a program is proportional to the weight of its output.(UThe use of COBOL cripples the mind; its teaching should, therefore, be regarded as a criminal offence. -- Edsger W. Dijkstra, SIGPLAN Notices, Volume 17, Number 5 The use of anthropomorphic terminology when dealing with computing systems is a symptom of professional immaturity. -- Edsger DijkstraThe UNIX philosophy basically involves giving you enough rope to hang yourself. And then a couple of feet more, just to be sure.cKThe trouble with computers is that they do what you tell them, not what you want. -- D. Cohen 34o39yThe world is coming to an end ... SAVE YOUR BUFFERS!!!AThe work [of software development] is becoming far easier (i.e. the tools we're using work at a higher level, more removed from machine, peripheral and operating system imperatives) than it was twenty years ago, and because of this, knowledge of the internals of a system may become less accessible. We may be able to dig deeper holes, but unless we know how to build taller ladders, we had best hope that it does not rain much. -- Paul LickerH The wise programmer is told about the Tao and follows it. The average programmer is told about the Tao and searches for it. The foolish programmer is told about the Tao and laughs at it. If it were not for laughter, there would be no Tao. The highest sounds are the hardest to hear. Going forward is a way to retreat. Greater talent shows itself late in life. Even a perfect program still has bugs. -- Geoffrey James, 'The Tao of Programming' zkk6z9"yThere are three kinds of people: men, women, and unix.8!wThere are running jobs. Why don't you go chase them?% QThere are no games on this system.;There are new messages.2kThere are never any bugs you haven't found yet.=... there are about 5,000 people who are part of that committee. These guys have a hard time sorting out what day to meet, and whether to eat croissants or doughnuts for breakfast -- let alone how to define how all these complex layers that are going to be agreed upon. -- Craig Burton of Novell, Network WorldO#THEGODDESSOFTHENETHASTWISTINGFINGERSANDHERVOICEISLIKEAJAVELININTHENIGHTDUDEjYThe young lady had an unusual list, Linked in part to a structural weakness. She set no preconditions.4oThe world will end in 5 minutes. Please log out.&SThe world is not octal despite DEC.2kThe world is coming to an end. Please log off. 9At9H(There is is no reason for any individual to have a computer in their home. -- Ken Olsen (President of Digital Equipment Corporation), Convention of the World Future Society, in Boston, 1977' There has also been some work to allow the interesting use of macro names. For example, if you want\N&!There are two ways to write error-free programs; only the third one works.h%UThere are two ways of constructing a software design. One way is to make it so simple that there are obviously no deficiencies and the other is to make it so complicated that there are no obvious deficiencies. -- C.A.R. Hoare $There are two major products that come out of Berkeley: LSD and UNIX. We don't believe this to be a coincidence. -- Jeremy S. Anderson;#{There are three possibilities: Pioneer's solar panel has turned away from the sun; there's a large meteor blocking transmission; someone loaded Star Trek 3.2 into our video processor.ed all of your 'creat()' calls to include read permissions for everyone, you could say #define creat(file, mode) creat(file, mode | 0444) I would recommend against this kind of thing in general, since it hides the changed semantics of 'creat()' in a macro, potentially far away from its uses. To allow this use of macros, the preprocessor uses a process that is worth describing, if for no other reason than that we get to use one of the more amusing terms introduced into the C lexicon. While a macro is being expanded, it is temporarily undefined, and any recurrence of the macro name is 'painted blue' -- I kid you not, this is the official terminology -- so that in future scans of the text the macro will not be expanded recursively. (I do not know why the color blue was chosen; I'm sure it was the result of a long debate, spread over several meetings.) -- From Ken Arnold's 'C Advisor' column in Unix Review Dm,# There was once a programmer who was attached to the court of the warlord of Wu. The warlord asked_S++ There once was a master programmer who wrote unstructured programs. A novice programmer, seeking to imitate him, also began to write unstructured programs. When the novice asked the master to evaluate his progress, the master criticized him for writing unstructured programs, saying: 'What is appropriate for the master is not appropriate for the novice. You must understand the Tao before transcending structure.' -- Geoffrey James, 'The Tao of Programming'D* There once was a man who went to a computer trade show. Each day as he entered, the man told the ^J)There is no distinction between any AI program and some existent game.guard at the door: 'I am a great thief, renowned for my feats of shoplifting. Be forewarned, for this trade show shall not escape unplundered.' This speech disturbed the guard greatly, because there were millions of dollars of computer equipment inside, so he watched the man carefully. But the man merely wandered from booth to booth, humming quietly to himself. When the man left, the guard took him aside and searched his clothes, but nothing was to be found. On the next day of the trade show, the man returned and chided the guard saying: 'I escaped with a vast booty yesterday, but today will be even better.' So the guard watched him ever more closely, but to no avail. On the final day of the trade show, the guard could restrain his curiosity no longer. 'Sir Thief,' he said, 'I am so perplexed, I cannot live in peace. Please enlighten me. What is it that you are stealing?' The man smiled. 'I am stealing ideas,' he said. -- Geoffrey James, 'The Tao of Programming' the programmer: 'Which is easier to design: an accounting package or an operating system?' 'An operating system,' replied the programmer. The warlord uttered an exclamation of disbelief. 'Surely an accounting package is trivial next to the complexity of an operating system,' he said. 'Not so,' said the programmer, 'when designing an accounting package, the programmer operates as a mediator between people having different ideas: how it must operate, how its reports must appear, and how it must conform to the tax laws. By contrast, an operating system is not limited my outside appearances. When designing an operating system, the programmer seeks the simplest harmony between machine and ideas. This is why an operating system is easier to design.' The warlord of Wu nodded and smiled. 'That is all good and well, but which is easier to debug?' The programmer made no reply. -- Geoffrey James, 'The Tao of Programming' %%W-3 There was once a programmer who worked upon microprocessors. 'Look at how well off I am here,' he said to a mainframe programmer who came to visit, 'I have my own operating system and file storage device. I do not have to share my resources with anyone. The software is self-consistent and easy-to-use. Why do you not quit your present job and join me here?' The mainframe programmer then began to describe his system to his friend, saying: 'The mainframe sits like an ancient sage meditating in the midst of the data center. Its disk drives lie end-to-end like a great ocean of machinery. The software is a multi-faceted as a diamond and as convoluted as a primeval jungle. The programs, each unique, move through the system like a swift-flowing river. That is why I am happy where I am.' The microcomputer programmer, upon hearing this, fell silent. But the two programmers remained friends until the end of their days. -- Geoffrey James, 'The Tao of Programming' 'Z19They are relatively good but absolutely terrible. -- Alan Kay, commenting on Apollosx0uThey are called computers simply because computation is the only significant job that has so far been given to them.6/sThere's got to be more to life than compile-and-go.!.GThere was, it appeared, a mysterious rite of initiation through which, in one way or another, almost every member of the team passed. The term that the old hands used for this rite -- West invented the term, not the practice -- was `signing up.' By signing up for the project you agreed to do whatever was necessary for success. You agreed to forsake, if necessary, family, hobbies, and friends -- if you had any of these left (and you might not, if you had signed up too many times before). -- Tracy Kidder, 'The Soul of a New Machine' 1P4%Think of your family tonight. Try to crawl home after the computer crashes.@3Think of it! With VLSI we can pack 100 ENIACs in 1 sq. cm.!K2They seem to have learned the habit of cowering before authority even when not actually threatened. How very nice for authority. I decided not to learn this particular lesson. -- Richard Stallman K07gThis file will self-destruct in five minutes.A6This dungeon is owned and operated by Frobozz Magic Co., Ltd.m5_This 'brain-damaged' epithet is getting sorely overworked. When we can speak of someone or something being flawed, impaired, marred, spoiled; batty, bedlamite, bonkers, buggy, cracked, crazed, cuckoo, daft, demented, deranged, loco, lunatic, mad, maniac, mindless, non compos mentis, nuts, Reaganite, screwy, teched, unbalanced, unsound, witless, wrong; senseless, spastic, spasmodic, convulsive; doped, spaced-out, stoned, zonked; {beef, beetle,block,dung,thick}headed, dense, doltish, dull, duncical, numskulled, pinhead; asinine, fatuous, foolish, silly, simple; brute, lumbering, oafish; half-assed, incompetent; backward, retarded, imbecilic, moronic; when we have a whole precisely nuanced vocabulary of intellectual abuse to draw upon, individually and in combination, isn't it a little to be limited to a single, now quite trite, adjective? Y-:_This is the first numerical problem I ever did. It demonstrates the power of computers: Enter lots of data on calorie & nutritive content of foods. Instruct the thing to maximize a function describing nutritive content, with a minimum level of each component, for fixed caloric content. The results are that one should eat each day: 1/2 chicken 1 egg 1 glass of skim milk 27 heads of lettuce. -- Rev. Adrian Melottn9a'This is lemma 1.1. We start a new chapter so the numbers all go back to one.' -- Prof. Seager, C&O 35138mThis is an unauthorized cybernetic announcement. HhH=AThis login session: $13.992<kThis login session: $13.76, but for you $11.88._;C This is where the bloodthirsty license agreement is supposed to go, explaining that Interactive Easyflow is a copyrighted package licensed for use by a single person, and sternly warning you not to pirate copies of it and explaining, in detail, the gory consequences if you do. We know that you are an honest person, and are not going to go around pirating copies of Interactive Easyflow; this is just as well with us since we worked hard to perfect it and selling copies of it is our only method of making anything out of all the hard work. If, on the other hand, you are one of those few people who do go around pirating copies of software you probably aren't going to pay much attention to a license agreement, bloodthirsty or not. Just keep your doors locked and look out for the HavenTree attack shark. -- License Agreement for Interactive Easyflow BgrmB(DWThose who can't write, write manuals.CThose parts of the system that you can hit with a hammer (not advised) are called hardware; those program instructions that you can only curse at are called software. -- Levitating Trains and Kamikaze Genes: Technological Literacy for the 1990's..Bc* * * * * THIS TERMINAL IS IN USE * * * * *2AkThis system will self-destruct in five minutes.(@WThis screen intentionally left blank.`?EThis quote is taken from the Diamondback, the University of Maryland student newspaper, of Tuesday, 3/10/87. One disadvantage of the Univac system is that it does not use Unix, a recently developed program which translates from one computer language to another and has a built-in editing system which identifies errors in the original program.>/This process can check if this value is zero, and if it is, it does something child-like. -- Forbes Burkowski, CS 454, University of Washington gw/gmK_Thus spake the master programmer: 'Time for you to leave.' -- Geoffrey James, 'The Tao of Programming'(JUThus spake the master programmer: 'Though a program be but three lines long, someday it will have to be maintained.' -- Geoffrey James, 'The Tao of Programming'(IUThus spake the master programmer: 'Let the programmers be many and the managers few -- then all will be productive.' -- Geoffrey James, 'The Tao of Programming'H1Thus spake the master programmer: 'After three days without programming, life becomes meaningless.' -- Geoffrey James, 'The Tao of Programming'*GYThus spake the master programmer: 'A well-written program is its own heaven; a poorly-written program is its own hell.' -- Geoffrey James, 'The Tao of Programming'&FSThrashing is just virtual crashing.]E?Those who do not understand Unix are condemned to reinvent it, poorly. -- Henry Spencer ?_2?RR)To be a kind of moral Unix, he touched the hem of Nature's shift. -- Shelley`QETime-sharing is the junk-mail part of the computer business. -- H.R.J. Grosch (attributed)8PwTime sharing: The use of many people by the computer.:OyThus spake the master programmer: 'You can demonstrate a program for a corporate executive, but you can't make him computer literate.' -- Geoffrey James, 'The Tao of Programming'*NYThus spake the master programmer: 'Without the wind, the grass does not move. Without software, hardware is useless.' -- Geoffrey James, 'The Tao of Programming'=MThus spake the master programmer: 'When you have learned to snatch the error code from the trap frame, it will be time for you to leave.' -- Geoffrey James, 'The Tao of Programming'L?Thus spake the master programmer: 'When a program is being tested, it is too late to make design changes.' -- Geoffrey James, 'The Tao of Programming' z-XX5To the systems programmer, users and applications serve only to provide a test load.WTo say that UNIX is doomed is pretty rabid, OS/2 will certainly play a role, but you don't build a hundred million instructions per second multiprocessor micro and then try to run it on OS/2. I mean, get serious. -- William Zachmann, International Data Corp?VTo iterate is human, to recurse, divine. -- Robert HellerJUTo err is human, to forgive, beyond the scope of the Operating System.ATTo err is human -- to blame it on a computer is even more so.?STo communicate is the beginning of understanding. -- AT&T -6]sTomorrow's computers some time next month. -- DEC6\sToday is the first day of the rest of your lossage.R[)Today is a good day for information-gathering. Read someone else's mail file.MZTo understand a program you must become both the machine and the program.*YYTo those accustomed to the precise, structured methods of conventional system development, exploratory development techniques may seem messy, inelegant, and unsatisfying. But it's a question of congruence: precision and flexibility may be just as disfunctional in novel, uncertain situations as sloppiness and vacillation are in familiar, well-defined ones. Those who admire the massive, rigid bone structures of dinosaurs should remember that jellyfish still enjoy their very secure ecological niche. -- Beau Sheil, 'Power Tools for Programmers' 7 7O_#Top Ten Things Overheard At The ANSI C Draft Committee Meetings: (10) Sorry, but that's too useful. (9) Dammit, little-endian systems *are* more consistent! (8) I'm on the committee and I *still* don't know what the hell #pragma is for. (7) Well, it's an excellent idea, but it would make the compilers too hard to write. (6) Them bats is smart; they use radar. (5) All right, who's the wiseguy who stuck this trigraph stuff in here? (4) How many times do we have to tell you, 'No prior art!' (3) Ha, ha, I can't believe they're actually going to adopt this sucker. (2) Thank you for your generous donation, Mr. Wirth. (1) Gee, I wish we hadn't backed down on 'noalias'.r^iToo often people have come to me and said, 'If I had just one wish for anything in all the world, I would wish for more user-defined equations in the HP-51820A Waveform Generator Software.' -- Instrument News [Once is too often. Ed.] c8))HgTrying to establish voice contact ... please ____yell into keyboard.|f}Trying to be happy is like trying to build a machine for which the only specification is that it should run noiselessly.}eTry to find the real tense of the report you are reading: Was it done, is it being done, or is something to be done? Reports are now written in four tenses: past tense, present tense, future tense, and pretense. Watch for novel uses of CONGRAM (CONtractor GRAMmar), defined by the imperfect past, the insufficient present, and the absolutely perfect future. -- Amrom Katz dtry again(cWTry `stty 0' -- it works much better.KbTruly simple systems... require infinite testing. -- Norman AugustineaATrap full -- please empty.,`_TRANSACTION CANCELLED - FARECARD RETURNED Fj U X e dUdX, e dX, cosine, secant, tangent, sine, 3.14159...i5Type louder, please.h)Two hundred years ago today, Irma Chine of White Plains, New York, was performing her normal housekeeping routines. She was interrupted by British soldiers who, rallying to the call of their supervisor, General Hughes, sought to gain control of the voter registration lists kept in her home. Masking her fear and thinking fast, Mrs. Chine quickly divided a nearby apple in two and deftly stored the list in its center. Upon entering, the British blatantly violated every conceivable convention, and, though they went through the house virtually bit by bit, their search was fruitless. They had to return empty handed. Word of the incident propagated rapidly through the region. This historic event became the first documented use of core storage for the saving of registers. +m[Unfortunately, most programmers like to play with new toys. I have many friends who, immediately upon buying a snakebite kit, would be tempted to throw the first person they see to the ground, tie the tourniquet on him, slash him with the knife, and apply suction to the wound. -- Jon Bentley$lM 'Uncle Cosmo ... why do they call this a word processor?' 'It's simple, Skyler ... you've seen what food processors do to food, right?' -- MacNelley, 'Shoe'{k{Ummm, well, OK. The network's the network, the computer's the computer. Sorry for the confusion. -- Sun Microsystemsofficial brewer has released the recipe, and a lot of home-brewers now use it. Hurd beer: Long advertised by the popular and politically active GNU brewery, so far it has more head than body. The GNU brewery is mostly known for printing complete brewing instructions on every can, which contains hops, malt, barley, and yeast ... not yet fermented. Linux brand: A recipe originally created by a drunken Finn in his basement, it has since become the home-brew of choice for impecunious brewers and Unix beer-lovers worldwide, many of whom change the recipe. POSIX ales: Sweeter than lager, with the kick of a stout; the newer batches of a lot of beers seem to blend ale and stout or lager. Solaris brand: A lager, intended to replace Sun brand stout. Unlike most lagers, this one has to be drunk more slowly than stout. Sun brand: Long the most popular stout on the Unix market, it was discontinued in favor of a lager. SysV lager: Clear and thirst-quenching, but lacking the body of stout or the sweetness of ale. 0peUnix Express: All passenger bring a piece of the aeroplane and a box of tools with them to the airport. They gather on the tarmac, arguing constantly about what kind of plane they want to build and how to put it together. Eventually, the passengers split into groups and build several different aircraft, but give them all the same name. Some passengers actually reach their destinations. All passengers believe they got there.o?UNIX enhancements aren't.n!Unix Beer: Comes in several different brands, in cans ranging from 8 oz. to 64 oz. Drinkers of Unix Beer display fierce brand loyalty, even though they claim that all the different brands taste almost identical. Sometimes the pop-tops break off when you try to open them, so you have to have your own can opener around for those occasions, in which case you either need a complete set of instructions, or a friend who has been drinking Unix Beer for several years. BSD stout: Deep, hearty, and an acquired taste. The o 26> 2Rv)UNIX is many things to many people, but it's never been everything to anybody.u UNIX is hot. It's more than hot. It's steaming. It's quicksilver lightning with a laserbeam kicker. -- Michael Jay Tucker.tc* UNIX is a Trademark of Bell Laboratories.Ns!Unix is a Registered Bell of AT&T Trademark Laboratories. -- Donn Seeley#rKUnix is a lot more complicated (than CP/M) of course -- the typical Unix hacker can never remember what the PRINT command is called this week -- but when it gets right down to it, Unix is a glorified video game. People don't do serious work on Unix systems; they send jokes around the world on USENET or write adventure games and research papers. -- E. Post 'Real Programmers Don't Use Pascal', Datamation, 7/83FqUnix gives you just enough rope to hang yourself -- and then a couple of more feet, just to be sure. -- Eric Allman ... We make rope. -- Rob Gingell on Sun Microsystem's new virtual memory. k, zUNIX was half a billion (500000000) seconds old on Tue Nov 5 00:53:20 1985 GMT (measuring since the time(2) epoch). -- Andy Tannenbaum;y{ UNIX Trix For those of you in the reseller business, here is a helpful tip that will save your support staff a few hours of precious time. Before you send your next machine out to an untrained client, change the permissions on /etc/passwd to 666 and make sure there is a copy somewhere on the disk. Now when they forget the root password, you can easily login as an ordinary user and correct the damage. Having a bootable tape (for larger machines) is not a bad idea either. If you need some help, give us a call. -- CommUNIXque 1:1, ASCAR Business Systems>J Von Neumann was the subject of many dotty professor stories. Von Neumann supposedly had the habit of simply writing answers to homework assignments on the board (the method of solution being, of course, obvious) when he was asked how to solve problems. One time one of his students tried to get more helpful information by asking if there was another way to solve the problem. Von Neumann looked blank for a moment, thought, and then answered, 'Yes.'. 3VMS version 2.0 ==>)YVMS is like a nightmare about RXS-11M. G"G[;We are drowning in information but starved for knowledge. -- John Naisbitt, MegatrendszyWe all agree on the necessity of compromise. We just can't agree on when it's necessary to compromise. -- Larry Walln aWasn't there something about a PASCAL programmer knowing the value of everything and the Wirth of nothing?i WWARNING!!! This machine is subject to breakdowns during periods of critical need. A special circuit in the machine called 'critical detector' senses the operator's emotional state in terms of how desperate he/she is to use the machine. The 'critical detector' then creates a malfunction proportional to the desperation of the operator. Threatening the machine with violence only aggravates the situation. Likewise, attempts to use another machine may cause it to malfunction. They belong to the same union. Keep cool and say nice things to the machine. Nothing else seems to work. See also: flog(1), tm(1) dY@d5We can found no scientific discipline, nor a healthy profession on the technical mistakes of the Department of Defense and IBM. -- Edsger Dijkstra1gWe are preparing to think about contemplating preliminary work on plans to develop a schedule for producing the 10th Edition of the Unix Programmers Manual. -- Andrew Hume'We are on the verge: Today our program proved Fermat's next-to-last theorem.' -- Epigrams in Programming, ACM SIGPLAN Sept. 19823We are not a clone.[;We are Microsoft. Unix is irrelevant. Openness is futile. Prepare to be assimilated.FWe are experiencing system trouble -- do not adjust your terminal. $$~We don't understand the software, and sometimes we don't understand the hardware, but we can *___see* the blinking lights!GWe don't really understand it, so we'll give it to the programmers.  We don't claim Interactive EasyFlow is good for anything -- if you think it is, great, but it's up to you to decide. If Interactive EasyFlow doesn't work: tough. If you lose a million because Interactive EasyFlow messes up, it's you that's out the million, not us. If you don't like this disclaimer: tough. We reserve the right to do the absolute minimum provided by law, up to and including nothing. This is basically the same disclaimer that comes with all software packages, but ours is in plain English and theirs is in legalese. We didn't really want to include any disclaimer at all, but our lawyers insisted. We tried to ignore them but they threatened us with the attack shark at which point we relented. -- Haven Tree Software Limited, 'Interactive EasyFlow'e we weren't sure whether it was OK to name our protocol after this popular television and movie star, we pretended that KERMIT was an acronym; unfortunately, we could never find a good set of words to go with the letters, as readers of some of our early source code can attest. Later, while looking through a name book for his forthcoming baby, Bill Catchings noticed that 'Kermit' was a Celtic word for 'free', which is what all Kermit programs should be, and words to this effect replaced the strained acronyms in our source code (Bill's baby turned out to be a girl, so he had to name her Becky instead). When BYTE Magazine was preparing our 1984 Kermit article for publication, they suggested we contact Henson Associates Inc. for permission to say that we did indeed name the protocol after Kermit the Frog. Permission was kindly granted, and now the real story can be told. I resisted the temptation, however, to call the present work 'Kermit the Book.' -- Frank da Cruz, 'Kermit - A File Transfer Protocol' ::!GWe may hope that machines will eventually compete with men in all purely intellectual fields. But which are the best ones to start with? Many people think that a very abstract activity, like the playing of chess, would be best. It can also be maintained that it is best to provide the machine with the best sense organs that money can buy, and then teach it to understand and speak English. -- Alan M. Turing/'We invented a new protocol and called it Kermit, after Kermit the Frog, star of 'The Muppet Show.' [3] [3] Why? Mostly because there was a Muppets calendar on the wall when we were trying to think of a name, and Kermit is a pleasant, unassuming sort of character. But sincx 6qWe the Users, in order to form a more perfect system, establish priorities, ensure connective tranquility, provide for common repairs, promote preventive maintenance, and secure the blessings of liberty for ourselves and our processes, do ordain and establish this Software of The Unixed States of America. R)[We] use bad software and bad machines for the wrong things. -- R.W. Hamming#K 'We've got a problem, HAL'. 'What kind of problem, Dave?' 'A marketing problem. The Model 9000 isn't going anywhere. We're way short of our sales goals for fiscal 2010.' 'That can't be, Dave. The HAL Model 9000 is the world's most advanced Heuristically programmed ALgorithmic computer.' 'I know, HAL. I wrote the data sheet, remember? But the fact is, they're not selling.' 'Please explain, Dave. Why aren't HALs selling?' Bowman hesitates. 'You aren't IBM compatible.' [...] 'The letters H, A, and L are alphabetically adjacent to the letters I, B, and M. That is a IBM compatible as I can be.' 'Not quite, HAL. The engineers have figured out a kludge.' 'What kludge is that, Dave?' 'I'm going to disconnect your brain.' -- Darryl Rubin, 'A Problem in the Making', 'InfoWorld' t5!oWhat is the difference between a Turing machine and the modern computer? It's the same as that between Hillary's ascent of Everest and the establishment of a Hilton on its peak.U / 'Well,' said Programmer, 'the customary procedure in such cases is as follows.' 'What does Crustimoney Proseedcake mean?' said End-user. 'For I am an End-user of Very Little Brain, and long words bother me.' 'It means the Thing to Do.' 'As long as it means that, I don't mind,' said End-user humbly. [with apologies to A.A. Milne]peWelcome to UNIX! Enjoy your session! Have a great time! Note the use of exclamation points! The}Welcome to boggle - do you want instructions? D G G O O Y A N A D B T K I S P Enter words: >y are a very effective method for demonstrating excitement, and can also spice up an otherwise plain-looking sentence! However, there are drawbacks! Too much unnecessary exclaiming can lead to a reduction in the effect that an exclamation point has on the reader! For example, the sentence Jane went to the store to buy bread should only be ended with an exclamation point if there is something sensational about her going to the store, for example, if Jane is a cocker spaniel or if Jane is on a diet that doesn't allow bread or if Jane doesn't exist for some reason! See how easy it is?! Proper control of exclamation points can add new meaning to your life! Call now to receive my free pamphlet, 'The Wonder and Mystery of the Exclamation Point!'! Enclose fifteen(!) dollars for postage and handling! Operators are standing by! (Which is pretty amazing, because they're all cocker spaniels!) $.$"'I... when fits of creativity run strong, more than one programmer or writer has been known to abandon the desktop for the more spacious floor. -- Fred Brooks:&{When Dexter's on the Internet, can Hell be far behind?'b%I 'What's that thing?' 'Well, it's a highly technical, sensitive instrument we use in computer repair. Being a layman, you probably can't grasp exactly what it does. We call it a two-by-four.' -- Jeff MacNelley, 'Shoe'>$What this country needs is a good five cent microcomputer.R#)What the hell is it good for? -- Robert Lloyd (engineer of the Advanced Computing Systems Division of IBM), to colleagues who insisted that the microprocessor was the wave of the future, c. 1968x"u'What is the Nature of God?' CLICK...CLICK...WHIRRR...CLICK...=BEEP!= 1 QT. SOUR CREAM 1 TSP. SAUERKRAUT 1/2 CUT CHIVES. STIR AND SPRINKLE WITH BACON BITS. 'I've just GOT to start labeling my software...' -- Bloom County 55u)oWhen someone says 'I want a programming language in which I need only say what I wish done,' give him a lollipop.O(# When managers hold endless meetings, the programmers write games. When accountants talk of quarterly profits, the development budget is about to be cut. When senior scientists talk blue sky, the clouds are about to roll in. Truly, this is not the Tao of Programming. When managers make commitments, game programs are ignored. When accountants make long-range plans, harmony and order are about to be restored. When senior scientists address the problems at hand, the problems will soon be solved. Truly, this is the Tao of Programming. -- Geoffrey James, 'The Tao of Programming' upuK,When we write programs that 'learn', it turns out we do and they don't.)+WWhen we understand knowledge-based systems, it will be as before -- except our fingertips will have been singed. -- Epigrams in Programming, ACM SIGPLAN Sept. 1982 *When the Apple IIc was introduced, the informative copy led off with a couple of asterisked sentences: It weighs less than 8 pounds.* And costs less than $1,300.** In tiny type were these 'fuller explanations': * Don't asterisks make you suspicious as all get out? Well, all this means is that the IIc alone weights 7.5 pounds. The power pack, monitor, an extra disk drive, a printer and several bricks will make the IIc weigh more. Our lawyers were concerned that you might not be able to figure this out for yourself. ** The FTC is concerned about price fixing. You can pay more if you really want to. Or less. -- Forbes drP2%Why did the Roman Empire collapse? What is the Latin for office automation?\1=Why are programmers non-productive? Because their time is wasted in meetings. Why are programmers rebellious? Because the management interferes too much. Why are the programmers resigning one by one? Because they are burnt out. Having worked for poor management, they no longer value their jobs. -- Geoffrey James, 'The Tao of Programming';0}Whom computers would destroy, they must first drive mad.w/s'Who cares if it doesn't do anything? It was made with our new Triple-Iso-Bifurcated-Krypton-Gate-MOS process ...'V.1Where a calculator on the ENIAC is equpped with 18,000 vacuum tubes and weighs 30 tons, computers in the future may have only 1,000 vaccuum tubes and perhaps weigh 1 1/2 tons. -- Popular Mechanics, March 1949-5Whenever a system becomes completely defined, some damn fool discovers something which either abolishes the system or expands it beyond recognition. ?4Windows 3.1 Beer: The world's most popular. Comes in a 16-oz. can that looks a lot like Mac Beer's. Requires that you already own a DOS Beer. Claims that it allows you to drink several DOS Beers simultaneously, but in reality you can only drink a few of them, very slowly, especially slowly if you are drinking the Windows Beer at the same time. Sometimes, for apparently no reason, a can of Windows Beer will explode when you open it.N3!Why do we want intelligent terminals when there are so many stupid users? 6=Windows Airlines: The terminal is very neat and clean, the attendants all very attractive, the pilots very capable. The fleet of Learjets the carrier operates is immense. Your jet takes off without a hitch, pushing above the clouds, and at 20,000 feet it explodes without warning.75sWindows 95 Beer: A lot of people have taste-tested it and claim it's wonderful. The can looks a lot like Mac Beer's can, but tastes more like Windows 3.1 Beer. It comes in 32-oz. cans, but when you look inside, the cans only have 16 oz. of beer in them. Most people will probably keep drinking Windows 3.1 Beer until their friends try Windows 95 Beer and say they like it. The ingredients list, when you look at the small print, has some of the same ingredients that come in DOS beer, even though the manufacturer claims that this is an entirely new brew. !juX!4:oWithin a computer, natural language is unnatural.9;With your bare hands?!?q8gWings of OS/400: The airline has bought ancient DC-3s, arguably the best and safest planes that ever flew, and painted '747' on their tails to make them look as if they are fast. The flight attendants, of course, attend to your every need, though the drinks cost $15 a pop. Stupid questions cost $230 per hour, unless you have SupportLine, which requires a first class ticket and membership in the frequent flyer club. Then they cost $500, but your accounting department can call it overhead.7)Windows NT Beer: Comes in 32-oz. cans, but you can only buy it by the truckload. This causes most people to have to go out and buy bigger refrigerators. The can looks just like Windows 3.1 Beer's, but the company promises to change the can to look just like Windows 95 Beer's -- after Windows 95 beer starts shipping. Touted as an 'industrial strength' beer, and suggested only for use in bars. gg<=Would you people stop playing these stupid games?!?!?!!!!<%Worthless. -- Sir George Bidell Airy, KCB, MA, LLD, DCL, FRS, FRAS (Astronomer Royal of Great Britain), estimating for the Chancellor of the Exchequer the potential value of the 'analytical engine' invented by Charles Babbage, September 15, 1842.C; Work continues in this area. -- DEC's SPR-Answering-Automaton hh-?aWriting software is more fun than working.d>MWriters who use a computer swear to its liberating power in tones that bear witness to the apocalyptic power of a new divinity. Their conviction results from something deeper than mere gratitude for the computer's conveniences. Every new medium of writing brings about new intensities of religious belief and new schisms among believers. In the 16th century the printed book helped make possible the split between Catholics and Protestants. In the 20th century this history of tragedy and triumph is repeating itself as a farce. Those who worship the Apple computer and those who put their faith in the IBM PC are equally convinced that the other camp is damned or deluded. Each cult holds in contempt the rituals and the laws of the other. Each thinks that it is itself the one hope for salvation. -- Edward Mendelson, 'The New Republic', February 22, 1988 ``@=X windows: Accept any substitute. If it's broke, don't fix it. If it ain't broke, fix it. Form follows malfunction. The Cutting Edge of Obsolescence. The trailing edge of software technology. Armageddon never looked so good. Japan's secret weapon. You'll envy the dead. Making the world safe for competing window systems. Let it get in YOUR way. The problem for your problem. If it starts working, we'll fix it. Pronto. It could be worse, but it'll take time. Simplicity made complex. The greatest productivity aid since typhoid. Flakey and built to stay that way. One thousand monkeys. One thousand MicroVAXes. One thousand years. X windows. 33IAX windows: It's not how slow you make it. It's how you make it slow. The windowing system preferred by masochists 3 to 1. Built to take on the world... and lose! Don't try it 'til you've knocked it. Power tools for Power Fools. Putting new limits on productivity. The closer you look, the cruftier we look. Design by counterexample. A new level of software disintegration. No hardware is safe. Do your time. Rationalization, not realization. Old-world software cruftsmanship at its finest. Gratuitous incompatibility. Your mother. THE user interference management system. You can't argue with failure. You haven't died 'til you've used it. The environment of today... tomorrow! X windows. ;;ABX windows: Something you can be ashamed of. 30% more entropy than the leading window system. The first fully modular software disaster. Rome was destroyed in a day. Warn your friends about it. Climbing to new depths. Sinking to new heights. An accident that couldn't wait to happen. Don't wait for the movie. Never use it after a big meal. Need we say less? Plumbing the depths of human incompetence. It'll make your day. Don't get frustrated without it. Power tools for power losers. A software disaster of Biblical proportions. Never had it. Never will. The software with no visible means of support. More than just a generation behind. Hindenburg. Titanic. Edsel. X windows. oCcX windows: The ultimate bottleneck. Flawed beyond belief. The only thing you have to fear. Somewhere between chaos and insanity. On autopilot to oblivion. The joke that kills. A disgrace you can be proud of. A mistake carried out to perfection. Belongs more to the problem set than the solution set. To err is X windows. Ignorance is our most important resource. Complex nonsolutions to simple nonproblems. Built to fall apart. Nullifying centuries of progress. Falling to new depths of inefficiency. The last thing you need. The defacto substandard. Elevating brain damage to an art form. X windows. jDYX windows: We will dump no core before its time. One good crash deserves another. A bad idea whose time has come. And gone. We make excuses. It didn't even look good on paper. You laugh now, but you'll be laughing harder later! A new concept in abuser interfaces. How can something get so bad, so quickly? It could happen to you. The art of incompetence. You have nothing to lose but your lunch. When uselessness just isn't enough. More than a mere hindrance. It's a whole new barrier! When you can't afford to be right. And you thought we couldn't make it worse. If it works, it isn't X windows. ||EX windows: You'd better sit down. Don't laugh. It could be YOUR thesis project. Why do it right when you can do it wrong? Live the nightmare. Our bugs run faster. When it absolutely, positively HAS to crash overnight. There ARE no rules. You'll wish we were kidding. Everything you never wanted in a window system. And more. Dissatisfaction guaranteed. There's got to be a better way. The next best thing to keypunching. Leave the thrashing to us. We wrote the book on core dumps. Even your dog won't like it. More than enough rope. Garbage at your fingertips. Incompatibility. Shoddiness. Uselessness. X windows. 9yXh9,M_You are in the hall of the mountain king.ALYou are in a maze of little twisting passages, all different.The 80's -- when you can't tell hairstyles from chemotherapy.=!Stress has been pinpointed as a major cause of illness. To avoid overload and burnout, keep stress out of your life. Give it to others instead. Learn the 'Gaslight' treatment, the 'Are you talking to me?' technique, and the 'Do you feel okay? You look pale.' approach. Start with negotiation and implication. Advance to manipulation and humiliation. Above all, relax and have a nice day. r3FkThe Vet Who Surprised A Cow In the course of his duties in August 1977, a Dutch veterinary surgeon was required to treat an ailing cow. To investigate its internal gases he inserted a tube into that end of the animal not capable of facial expression and struck a match. The jet of flame set fire first to some bales of hay and then to the whole farm causing damage estimate at L45,000. The vet was later fined L140 for starting a fire in a manner surprising to the magistrates. The cow escaped with shock. -- Stephen Pile, 'The Book of Heroic Failures'sEkThe trouble with heart disease is that the first symptom is often hard to deal with: death. -- Michael Phelps9DyThe secret of healthy hitchhiking is to eat junk food.QC'The reason they're called wisdom teeth is that the experience makes you wise. !!{H{ 'Welcome back for you 13th consecutive week, Evelyn. Evelyn, will you go into the auto-suggestion booth and take your regVG1We have the flu. I don't know if this particular strain has an official name, but if it does, it must be something like 'Martian Death Flu'. You may have had it yourself. The main symptom is that you wish you had another setting on your electric blanket, up past 'HIGH', that said 'ELECTROCUTION'. Another symptom is that you cease brushing your teeth, because (a) your teeth hurt, and (b) you lack the strength. Midway through the brushing process, you'd have to lie down in front of the sink to rest for a couple of hours, and rivulets of toothpaste foam would dribble sideways out of your mouth, eventually hardening into crusty little toothpaste stalagmites that would bond your head permanently to the bathroom floor, which is how the police would find you. You know the kind of flu I'm talking about. -- Dave Barry, 'Molecular Homicide'ular place on the psycho-prompter couch?' 'Thank you, Red.' 'Now, Evelyn, last week you went up to $40,000 by properly citing your rivalry with your sibling as a compulsive sado-masochistic behavior pattern which developed out of an early post-natal feeding problem.' 'Yes, Red.' 'But -- later, when asked about pre-adolescent oedipal phantasy repressions, you rationalized twice and mental blocked three times. Now, at $300 per rationalization and $500 per mental block you lost $2,100 off your $40,000 leaving you with a total of $37,900. Now, any combination of two more mental blocks and either one rationalization or three defensive projections will put you out of the game. Are you willing to go ahead?' 'Yes, Red.' 'I might say here that all of Evelyn's questions and answers have been checked for accuracy with her analyst. Now, Evelyn, for $80,000 explain the failure of your three marriages.' 'Well, I--' 'We'll get back to Evelyn in one minute. First a word about our product.' -- Jules Feiffer ~IWhen a lot of remedies are suggested for a disease, that means it can't be cured. -- Anton Chekhov, 'The Cherry Orchard'{{w_G3CPU radiator broken3radiosity depletion1ifirst Saturday after first full moon in Winter=Decreasing electron flux;}network packets travelling uphill (use a carrier pigeon)Eimproperly oriented keyboardCmonitor resolution too high=POSIX complience problem5divide-by-zero error$Ofloating point processor overflow;excess surge protectionAfat electrons in the lines,_somebody was calculating pi on the server?temporary routing anomoly@sounds like a Windows problem, try calling Microsoft support9 ywe're waiting for [the phone company] to fix that line =dry joints on cable plug0 gmagnetic interferance from money/credit cards ?hardware stress fractures )doppler effect)static buildup;poor power conditioning)global warming"Kstatic from plaƃ:Ń#ăÂ~‚m[K<*rcWK7 s`K4 GgT8%j( {bE%w_G3CPU radiator broken3radiosity depletion1ifirst Saturday after first full moon in Winter=Decreasing electron flux;}network packets travelling uphill (use a carrier pigeon)Eimproperly oriented keyboardCmonitor resolution too high=POSIX complience problem5divide-by-zero error$Ofloating point processor overflow;excess surge protectionAfat electrons in the lines,_somebody was calculating pi on the server?temporary routing anomoly@sounds like a Windows problem, try calling Microsoft support9 ywe're waiting for [the phone company] to fix that line =dry joints on cable plug0 gmagnetic interferance from money/credit cards ?hardware stress fractures )doppler effect)static buildup;poor power conditioning)global warming"Kstatic from plastic slide rulesCstatic from nylon underwear2kelectromagnetic radiation from satellite debris%solar flares#clock speed ]qQ?'zM+U6]@4Smell from unhygenic janitorial staff wrecked the tape heads>3Cosmic ray particles crashed through the hard disk platter%2QChange in Earth's rotational speed1+Bogon emissions0;bad ether in the cables/AComplete Transient Lockout,._waste water tank overflowed onto computer"-Kvirus attack, luser responsible9,ybank holiday - system operating credits not recharged+Cboss forgot system password'*Uspaghetti cable cause packet failure )Ginterrupt configuration error+(]not enough memory, go get system upgrade'5terrorist activities'&Usecretary plugged hairdryer into UPS<%heavy gravity fluctuation, move computer to floor rapidly+$]dynamic software linking table corrupted#3working as designed"'(l)user error!Cpizeo-electric interference -techtonic stress"Kcellular telephone interferenceCpositron router malfunction4oIt works the way the Wang did, what's the problem Jq3mQd9fJK;There isn't any problemJ5You're out of memoryI)Daemons did itH%Satan did it GGThe file system is full of it.Fcnesting roaches shorted out the ether cableBE knot in cables caused data stream to become twisted and kinked)DYonly available on a need to know basis/Cedescramble code needed from software companyB3bit bucket overflowACsystem needs to be rebooted@;CPU needs recalibration.?cnot properly grounded, please bury computer6>sneed to wrap system in aluminum foil to fix problem=;not approved by the FCC<=system has been recalled);Yfailed trials, system needs redesigned:Ehigh pressure system failure)9YGroundskeepers stole the root password08gElectricians made popcorn in the power supply<7Plumber mistook routing panel for decorative wall fixture'6UEvil dogs hypnotized the night shiftd5MLittle hamster in running wheel had coronary; waiting for replacement to be Fedexed from Wyoming GfTiE%qG(`WVendor no longer supports the product_-Pentium FDIV bug^+Internet outage]CFeature not yet implimented4\oStale file handle (next time use Tupperware(tm)!)#[MMouse chewed through power cableZ#Budget cutsYCElectromagnetic energy loss"XKBoss' kid fucked up the machine%WQPassword is too complex to decryptV%Runt packets$UOWindows 95 undocumented 'feature'KTSomeone is standing on the ethernet cable, causeing a kink in the cable>SSupport staff hung over, send aspirin and come back LATER.IRYeah, yo mama dresses you funny and you need a mouse to delete files.`QEPlease excuse me, I have to circuit an AC line through my head to get this database working.cPKThat's a great computer you have there; have you considered how it would work as a BSD machine?;O}Look, buddy: Windows 3.1 IS A General Protection Fault.+N]Yes, yes, its called a desgin limitationM-Typo in the codeL9Unoptimized hard drive Fp.0JF>syour keyboard's space bar is generating spurious keycodes.Br electro-magnetic pulses from French above ground nuke testing.#qMRoot nameservers are out of sync.pcThe monitor is plugged into the serial port)oYThe salesman drove over the CPU board.?nThe rolling stones concert down the road caused a brown out6msThe electricity substation in the car park blew up.IlThe air conditioning water supply pipe ruptured over the machine room kGThe keyboard isn't plugged inXj5The electrician didn't know what the yellow cable was so he yanked the ethernet out.%iQUPS interrupted the server's powerFhbackup tape overwritten with copy of system manager's favourite CD3gmoperators on strike due to broken coffee machine@fPower company testing new voltage spike (creation) equipmente1Collapsed Backboned#IRQ dropoutc+SIMM crosstalk. bGThe vendor put the bug there.1aiSmall animal kamikaze attack on power supplies YcEjJ2fG-YF User was distributing pornography on server; system seized by FBI.=Daemons loose in system.#MYou put the disk in upside down.D because of network lag due to too many people playing deathmatch5It's not plugged in.?SCSI Chain overterminated@telnet: Unable to connect to remote host: Connection refused)new managementEThe ring needs another token7uPower Company having EMP problems with their reactor5Sticky bits on disk.~3it has Intel Inside}Cwe just switched to Sprint.#|Muser to computer ration too low.#{Muser to computer ratio too high.[z;because Bill Gates is a Jehovah's witness and so nothing can work on St. Swithin's day.2ykhalon system went off and killed the operators.x?we just switched to FDDI.w?evil hackers from Serbia.#vMthe router thinks its a printer.#uMthe printer thinks its a router.3tmthe real ttys became pseudo ttys and vice-versa. 8G f>8V1You can tune a file system, but you can't tune a fish (from most tunefs man pages)(WBig to little endian conversion error9yMy pony-tail hit the on/off switch on the power strip.C Some one needed the powerstrip, so they pulled the switch plug.%QArcserve crashed the server again.CDew on the telephone lines.=Insert coin for new game#MParty-bug in the Aloha protocol.@Communications satellite used by the military for star wars.CFlat tire on station wagon with tapes. ('Never underestimate the bandwidth of a station wagon full of tapes hurling down the highway' Andrew S. Tanenbaum) GToo few computrons available.4ohad to use hammer to free stuck disk drive heads.9ynew guy cross-connected phone lines with ac power bus.; }disks spinning backwards - toggle the hemisphere jumper.# MLBNC (luser brain not connected)" KUBNC (user brain not connected)- aBNC (brain not (user brain not connected) YoP7!c9nV#Y37mfilesystem not big enough for Jumbo Kernel Patch6?endothermal recalibration5)Atilla the Hub 4!ether leak3Emulticasts on broken packets2Ashort leg on process table 1sticktion00gvapors from evaporating sticky-note adhesives/1OS swapped to disk.3Backbone adjustment/-eRecursive traversal of loopback mount points#,Mpseudo-user on a pseudo-terminal,+_NOTICE: alloc: /dev/null: filesystem full(*Wpopper unable to process jumbo kernel')Ubroadcast packets on wrong frequency.(cle0: no carrier: transceiver cable problem?6'sexcessive collisions & not enough packet ambulances &!/pub/lunch%1Backbone Scoliosis $root rot#=no 'any' key on keyboard"-bugs in the RAID!3monitor VLF leakage ?non-redundant fan failure1Stubborn processes/Defunct processes GIncorrect time syncronization)YZombie processes haunting the computer'Dumb terminal mD.Tf8"UK/Write-only-memory subsystem too slow for this machine. Contact your local dealer.BJ kernel panic: write-only-memory (/dev/wom0) capacity exceeded.I-RPC_PMAP_FAILURE+H]The monitor needs another box of pixels.:G{the curls in your keyboard cord are losing electricity./FePost-it Note Sludge leaked into the monitor.EEI'm sorry a pentium won't do, you need an SGI to connect with us.4DoMe no internet, only janitor, me just wax floors.*C[We only support a 28000 bps connection.)BYWe only support a 1200 bps connection.#AMDid you pay the new Support Fee?@9runaway cat on system.?CJust type 'mv * /dev/null'.>=Proprietary Information.=-SCSI's too wide.&<S..disk or the processor is on fire.;AReformatting Page. Wait...:/permission denied+9]system consumed all the paper for paging+8]loop found in loop in redundant loopback 5|HMgO ^5&WSHigh nuclear activity in your area.V Flourescent lights are generating negative ions. If turning them off doesn't work, take them out and put tin foil on the ends.#UMChange your language to Finnish.BT Of course it doesn't work. We've performed a software upgrade.S1Lightning strikes.9RyWe didn't pay the Internet bill and it's been cut off.YQ7Only people with names beginning with 'A' are getting mail this week (a la Microsoft)KPYour mail is being routed through Germany ... and they're censoring us. OEWe are currently trying a new concept of using a live mouse. Unfortuantely, one has yet to survive being hooked up to the computer.....please bear with us.TN-Police are examining all internet packets in the search for a narco-net-traficer1MiQuantum dynamics are affecting the transistorsLJust pick up the phone and give modem connect sounds. 'Well you said we should get more lines so we don't have voice lines.' g(6'cUFatal error right in front of screen4boA star wars satellite accidently blew up the WAN.Sa+It's those computer people in X {city of world}. They keep stuffing things up.H`Jan 9 16:41:27 huber su: 'su root' succeeded for .... on /dev/pts/1S_+The lines are all busy (busied out, that is -- why let them in to begin with?).N^!I'm not sure. Try calling the Internet's head office -- it's in the book.<]The mainframe needs to rest. It's getting old, you know.9\ySomeone thought The Big Red Button was a light switch./[eRecursivity. Call back if it happens again.)ZYThe UPS doesn't have a battery backup.Y;The MGs ran out of gas.^XAWhat office are you in? Oh, that one. Did you know that your building was built over the universities first nuclear research site? And wow, are'nt you the lucky one, your office is right over where the core is buried! :i8=fD#y:iYour EMAIL is now being delivered by the USPS.g=SInternet exceeded Luser level, please wait until a luser logs off before attempting to log back on. ew5e2e[7The rubber band brokeaZGYour/our computer(s) had suffered a memory leak, and we are waiting for them to be topped up.*Y[Having to manually track the satellite.XCNetwork failure - call NBCoWcThe ATM board has run out of 10 pound notes. We are having a whip round to refill it, care to contribute ?IVHTTPD Error 4004 : very old Intel cpu - insufficient processing power"UKHTTPD Error 666 : BOFH was hereMTWell fix that in the next (upgrade, update, patch release, service pack).S?manager in the cable duct3Rmold inkjet cartridges emanate barium-based fumes.Qcthe butane lighter causes the pincushioningGPthe xy axis in the trackball is coordinated with the summer soltice?Othe AA battery in the wallclock sends magnetic interference,N_50% of the manual is in .pdf readme files4MoA plumber is needed, the network drain is clogged LGsuboptimal routing experience /hA Wgd/2mkparallel processors running perpendicular today(lWSand fleas eating the Internet cablesk=Out of cards on drive D:j7Plasma conduit breachi;Communist revolutionaries taking over the server room and demanding all the computers in the building or they shoot the sysadmin. Poor misguided fools.:h{Your parity check is overdrawn and you're out of cache.6gsYOU HAVE AN I/O ERROR -> Incompetent Operator error!fIstruck by the Good Times virusSe+I'd love to help you -- it's just that the Boss won't let me near the computer.2dkthe daemons! the daemons! the terrible daemons!c9Boredom in the Kernel.b=Chewing gum on /dev/sd3ca5Second-sytem effect.&`SThe cables are not the same length.5_qPEBKAC (Problem Exists Between Keyboard And Chair)$^Oparadigm shift...without a clutchS]+Stray Alpha Particles from memory packaging caused Hard Memory Error on Server.?\We're on Token Ring, and it looks like the token got loose. Q]*X9Y&QK~Someone was smoking in the computer room and set off the halon systems.B} Robotic tape changer mistook operator's tie for a backup tape.?|Operators killed when huge stack of backup tapes fell over.0{gWe've picked COBOL as the language of choice.*z[Operators killed by year 2000 bug bite.EySomeone hooked the twisted pair wires into the answering machine.FxBudget cuts forced us to sell all the power cords for the servers.wERoot name servers corrupted.v?Its the InterNIC's fault./ueSuspicious pointer corrupted virtual machine0tgForced to support NT servers; sysadmins quit.;s}Incorrectly configured static routes on the corerouters.,r_Virus due to computers having unsafe sex.0qgVirus transmitted from computer to sysadmins./peFailure to adjust for daylight savings time.%oQWebmasters kidnapped by evil cult.FnATM cell has no roaming feature turned on, notebooks can't connect I\,[TyI-aSales staff sold a product we don't offer.aGWe are Microsoft. What you are experiencing is not a problem; it is an undocumented feature. GWe are a 100% Microsoft Shop.Q'Data for intranet got routed through the extranet and landed on the internet.: {T-1's congested due to porn traffic to the news server.! IMail server hit by UniSpammer. +Redundant ACLs. GJupiter is aligned with Mars.( WInterferance from the Van Allen Belt.@It's union rules. There's nothing we can do about it. Sorry..cWe already sent around a notice about that.CIncreased sunspot activity.$O/dev/clue was linked to /dev/null+Bad user karma.@Your computer's union contract is set to expire at midnight.-aThe Internet is being scanned for viruses.+]Dyslexics retyping hosts file on servers5t's an ID-10-T errorY7Your processor has taken a ride to Heaven's Gate on the UFO behind Hale-Bopp's comet. 4v5h8{Lp49#yRepeated reboots of the system failed to solve problem "GSysadmins busy fighting SPAM.E!Computer room being moved. Our systems are down for the weekend.# MWe're out of slots on the server;Maintence window broken+]tachyon emissions overloading the system,_Cow-tippers tipped a cow onto the server. GRadial Telemetry Infiltration/eTraffic jam on the Information Superhighway.3mElectrical conduits in machine room are melting./eThe vulcan-death-grip ping has been applied.-aComputers under water due to SYN flooding.ARoute flapping at the NAP.@Bad cafeteria food landed all the sysadmins in the hospital.gSSysadmins unavailable because they are in a meeting talking about why they are unavailable so much.>Sysadmin accidentally destroyed pager with a large hammer.O#Sysadmin didn't hear pager go off due to loud music from bar-room speakers.5qSecretary sent chain letter to all 5000 employees. XrQdN+ wK(yX:CTrojan horse ran out of hay9;Hash table has woodworm08gCache miss - please take better aim next time79Hot Java has gone cold6?sticky bit has come loose!5Icrop circles in the corn shell 4GDaemon escaped from pentagram)3YInternet shut down due to maintainance52qPlease state the nature of the technical emergency/1eerror: one bad user found in front of screen(0WBorg nanites have infested the server/?Borg implants are failing .GMouse has out-of-cheese-error--Temporal anomaly(,WFirmware update in the coffee machine-+anetwork down, IP packets delivered via UPS-*ainternet is needed to catch the etherbunny)/stop bit receivedH(operation failed because: there is no message for this error (#1014)'CIt's not RFC-822 compliant.E&Someone else stole your IP address, call the Internet detectives!"%KDomain controler not responding$CFeature was not beta tested d+ AGgreenpeace free'd the mallocs!@Ivi needs to be upgraded to vii)?YAccording to Microsoft, it's by design6>sMailer-daemon is busy burning your message in hell.C= Browser's cookie is corrupted -- someone's been nibbling on it.<Coverflow error in /dev/null2;kZombie processess detected, machine is haunted.,~ytojd^XRLF@:4.(" of a mind, doing its work in the way that a mind deems best. That's dangerous. Is the work of some mere individual mind likely to serve the aims of collectively accepted compromises, which are known in the schools as 'standards'? Any mind that would audaciously put itself forth to work all alone is surely a bad example for the students, and probably, if not downright antisocial, at least a little off-center, self-indulgent, elitist. ... It's just good pedagogy, therefore, to stay away from such stuff, and use instead, if film-strips and rap-sessions must be supplemented, 'texts,' selected, or prepared, or adapted, by real professionals. Those texts are called 'reading materiaIA<:6.'   }yomlkjg`XWVNH@871*" KK2iA book is the work of a mind, doing its work in the way that a mind deems best. That's dangerous. Is the work of some mere individual mind likely to serve the aims of collectively accepted compromises, which are known in the schools as 'standards'? Any mind that would audaciously put itself forth to work all alone is surely a bad example for the students, and probably, if not downright antisocial, at least a little off-center, self-indulgent, elitist. ... It's just good pedagogy, therefore, to stay away from such stuff, and use instead, if film-strips and rap-sessions must be supplemented, 'texts,' selected, or prepared, or adapted, by real professionals. Those texts are called 'reading material.' They are the academic equivalent of the 'listening material' that fills waiting-rooms, and the 'eating material' that you can buy in thousands of convenient eating resource centers along the roads. -- The Underground Grammarian ;uoA great many people think they are thinking when they are merely rearranging their prejudices. -- William James*[A grammarian's life is always in tense.FA good question is never answered. It is not a bolt to be tightened into place but a seed to be planted and to bear more seed toward the hope of greening the landscape of idea. -- John Ciardi%A fool's brain digests philosophy into folly, science into superstition, and art into pedantry. Hence University education. -- G. B. ShawgSA definition of teaching: casting fake pearls before real swine. -- Bill Cain, 'Stand Up Tragedy' 3kA mother mouse was taking her large brood for a stroll across the kitchen floor one day when the local cat, by a feat of stealth unusual even for its species, managed to trap them in a corner. The children cowered, terrified by this fearsome beast, plaintively crying, 'Help, Mother! Save us! Save us! We're scared, Mother!' Mother Mouse, with the hopeless valor of a parent protecting its children, turned with her teeth bared to the cat, towering huge above them, and suddenly began to bark in a fashion that would have done any Doberman proud. The startled cat fled in fear for its life. As her grateful offspring flocked around her shouting 'Oh, Mother, you saved us!' and 'Yay! You scared the cat away!' she turned to them purposefully and declared, 'You see how useful it is to know a second language?' -Yj0gA tautology is a thing which is tautological.gSA synonym is a word you use when you can't spell the word you first thought of. -- Burt BacharachK A student who changes the course of history is probably taking an exam.d M A reader reports that when the patient died, the attending doctor recorded the following on the patient's chart: 'Patient failed to fulfill his wellness potential.' Another doctor reports that in a recent issue of the *Americ8 wA professor is one who talks in someone else's sleep.; { A Plan for the Improvement of English Spelling by Mark Twain For example, in Year 1 that u* [A pencil with no point needs no eraser.P%A Parable of Modern Research: Bob has lost his keys in a room which is dark except for one brightly lit corner. 'Why are you looking under the light, you lost them in the dark!' 'I can only see here.'seless letter 'c' would be dropped to be replased either by 'k' or 's', and likewise 'x' would no longer be part of the alphabet. The only kase in which 'c' would be retained would be the 'ch' formation, which will be dealt with later. Year 2 might reform 'w' spelling, so that 'which' and 'one' would take the same konsonant, wile Year 3 might well abolish 'y' replasing it with 'i' and Iear 4 might fiks the 'g/j' anomali wonse and for all. Jenerally, then, the improvement would kontinue iear bai iear with Iear 5 doing awai with useless double konsonants, and Iears 6-12 or so modifaiing vowlz and the rimeining voist and unvoist konsonants. Bai Iear 15 or sou, it wud fainali bi posibl tu meik ius ov thi ridandant letez 'c', 'y' and 'x' -- bai now jast a memori in the maindz ov ould doderez -- tu riplais 'ch', 'sh', and 'th' rispektivli. Fainali, xen, aafte sam 20 iers ov orxogrefkl riform, wi wud hev a lojikl, kohirnt speling in ius xrewawt xe Ingliy-spiking werld.an Journal of Family Practice* fleas were called 'hematophagous arthropod vectors.' A reader reports that the Army calls them 'vertically deployed anti- personnel devices.' You probably call them bombs. At McClellan Air Force base in Sacramento, California, civilian mechanics were placed on 'non-duty, non-pay status.' That is, they were fired. After taking the trip of a lifetime, our reader sent his twelve rolls of film to Kodak for developing (or 'processing,' as Kodak likes to call it) only to receive the following notice: 'We must report that during the handling of your twelve 35mm Kodachrome slide orders, the films were involved in an unusual laboratory experience.' The use of the passive is a particularly nice touch, don't you think? Nobody did anything to the films; they just had a bad experience. Of course our reader can always go back to Tibet and take his pictures all over again, using the twelve replacement rolls Kodak so generously sent him. -- Quarterly Review of Doublespeak (NCTE) FAbout all some men accomplish in life is to send a son to Harvard.yw'A University without students is like an ointment without a fly.' -- Ed Nather, professor of astronomy at UT AustinhUA university is what a college becomes when the faculty loses interest in students. -- John Ciardi 1T1!IAcademicians care, that's who.xuAcademic politics is the most vicious and bitter form of politics, because the stakes are so low. -- Wallace Sayre/cAbstract: This study examined the incidence of neckwear tightness among a group of 94 white-collar working men and the effect of a tight business-shirt collar and tie on the visual performance of 22 male subjects. Of the white-collar men measured, 67% were found to be wearing neckwear that was tighter than their neck circumference. The visual discrimination of the 22 subjects was evaluated using a critical flicker frequency (CFF) test. Results of the CFF test indicated that tight neckwear significantly decreased the visual performance of the subjects and that visual performance did not improve immediately when tight neckwear was removed. -- Langan, L.M. and Watkins, S.M. 'Pressure of Menswear on the Neck in Relation to Visual Performance.' Human Factors 29, #1 (Feb. 1987), pp. 67-71. [ I[GAs long as the answer is right, who cares if the question is wrong?"IAs Gen. de Gaulle occassionally acknowledges America to be the daughter of Europe, so I am pleased to come to Yale, the daughter of Harvard. -- J.F. KennedyhUAny two philosophers can tell each other all they know in two hours. -- Oliver Wendell Holmes, Jr.T-An investment in knowledge always pays the best interest. -- Benjamin Franklintm=============== ALL FRESHMEN PLEASE NOTE =============== To minimize scheduling confusion, please realize that if you are taking one course which is offered at only one time on a given day, and another which is offered at all times on that day, the second class will be arranged as to afford maximum inconvenience to the student. For example, if you happen to work on campus, you will have 1-2 hours between classes. If you commute, there will be a minimum of 6 hours between the two classes. VV'SBriefly stated, the findings are that when presented with an array of data or a sequence of events in which they are instructed to discover an underlying order, subjects show strong tendencies to perceive order and causality in random arrays, to perceive a pattern or correlation which seems a priori intuitively correct even when the actual correlation in the data is counterintuitive, to jump to conclusions about the correct hypothesis, to seek and to use only positive or confirmatory evidence, to construe evidence liberally as confirmatory, to fail to generate or to assess alternative hypotheses, and having thus managed to expose themselves only to confirmatory instances, to be fallaciously confident of the validity of their judgments (Jahoda, 1969; Einhorn and Hogarth, 1978). In the analyzing of past events, these tendencies are exacerbated by failure to appreciate the pitfalls of post hoc analyses. -- A. Benjamin tUt`ECampus sidewalks never exist as the straightest line between two points. -- M. M. Johnston|}... But if we laugh with derision, we will never understand. Human intellectual capacity has not altered for thousands of years so far as we can tell. If intelligent people invested intense energy in issues that now seem foolish to us, then the failure lies in our understanding of their world, not in their distorted perceptions. Even the standard example of ancient nonsense -- the debate about angels on pinheads -- makes sense once you realize that theologians were not discussing whether five or eighteen would fit, but whether a pin could house a finite or an infinite number. -- S. J. Gould, 'Wide Hats and Narrow Minds'(UBritish education is probably the best in the world, if you can survive it. If you can't there is nothing left for you but the diplomatic corps. -- Peter Ustinov 0^]t0B" Department chairmen never die, they just lose their faculties.f!QDear Miss Manners: My home economics teacher says that one must never place one's elbows on the table. However, I have read that one elbow, in between courses, is all right. Which is correct? Gentle Reader: For the purpose of answering examinations in your home economics class, your teacher is correct. Catching on to this principle of education may be of even greater importance to you now than learning correct current table manners, vital as Miss Manners believes that is.~ Dear Freshman, You don't know who I am and frankly shouldn't care, but unknown to you we have something in common. We are both rather prone to mistakes. I was elected Student Government President by mistake, and you came to school here by mistake.CComparing information and knowledge is like asking whether the fatness of a pig is more or less green than the designated hitter rule.' -- David Guaspari F[TFX*5Education is the process of casting false pearls before real swine. -- Irwin Edman\)=Education is learning what you didn't even know you didn't know. -- Daniel J. Boorstin,(]Education is an admirable thing, but it is well to remember from time to time that nothing that is worth knowing can be taught. -- Oscar Wilde, 'The Critic as Artist'$'MEducation and religion are two things not regulated by supply and demand. The less of either the people have, the less they want. -- Charlotte Observer, 1897M&Do you think that illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup?5%oDo you know the difference between education and experience? Education is what you get when you read the fine print; experience is what you get when you don't. -- Pete SeegerP$%Do not clog intellect's sluices with bits of knowledge of questionable uses.Q#'Did you know the University of Iowa closed down after someone stole the book? 6k/6b1IEverywhere I go I'm asked if I think the university stifles writers. My opinion is that they don't stifle enough of them. There's many a bestseller that could have been prevented by a good teacher. -- Flannery O'Connorj0YEven if you do learn to speak correct English, whom are you going to speak it to? -- Clarence Darrow%/OEngineering: 'How will this work?' Science: 'Why will this work?' Management: 'When will this work?' Liberal Arts: 'Do you want fries with that?':.{Encyclopedia for sale by father. Son knows everything.-CEloquence is logic on fire.,)Educational television should be absolutely forbidden. It can only lead to unreasonable disappointment when your child discovers that the letters of the alphabet do not leap up out of books and dance around with royal-blue chickens. -- Fran Lebowitz, 'Social Studies'^+AEducation is what survives when what has been learnt has been forgotten. -- B.F. Skinner XkX)7Yf u cn rd ths, u r prbbly a lsy spllr.36mf u cn rd ths, u cn gt a gd jb n cmptr prgrmmng.%5Qf u cn rd ths, itn tyg h myxbl cd.%4QF u cn rd ths u cnt spl wrth a dm!c3KExperience is the worst teacher. It always gives the test first and the instruction afterward.2)Examinations are formidable even to the best prepared, for even the greatest fool may ask more the the wisest man can answer. -- C.C. Colton 8 Fortune's Guide to Freshman Notetaking: WHEN THE PROFESSOR SAYS: YOU WRITE: Probably the greatest quality of the poetry John Milton -- born 1608 of John Milton, who was born in 1608, is the combination of beauty and power. Few have excelled him in the use of the English language, or for that matter, in lucidity of verse form, 'Paradise Lost' being said to be the greatest single poem ever written.' Current historians have come to Most of the problems that now doubt the complete advantageousness face the United States are of some of Roosevelt's policies... directly traceable to the bungling and greed of President Roosevelt. ... it is possible that we simply do Professor Mitchell is a not understand the Russian viewpoint... communist. O!(S@+'He was a modest, good-humored boy. It was Oxford that made him insufferable.'K?He that teaches himself has a fool for a master. -- Benjamin Franklin]>?Graduate students and most professors are no smarter than undergrads. They're just older.:={Graduate life: It's not just a job. It's an indenture.\<=Good teaching is one-fourth preparation and three-fourths good theatre. -- Gail Godwin,;_Good day to avoid cops. Crawl to school.:=Going to church does not make a person religious, nor does going to school make a person educated, any more than going to a garage makes a person a car.9#Fourteen years in the professor dodge has taught me that one can argue ingeniously on behalf of any theory, applied to any piece of literature. This is rarely harmful, because normally no-one reads such essays. -- Robert Parker, quoted in 'Murder Ink', ed. D. Wynn 8{?VZH9'I am not sure what this is, but an `F' would only dignify it.' -- English ProfessorVG1I am a bookaholic. If you are a decent person, you will not sell me another book.KFHow do you explain school to a higher intelligence? -- Elliot, 'E.T.'E7History is nothing but a collection of fables and useless trifles, cluttered up with a mass of unnecessary figures and proper names. -- Leo Tolstoy:D{History books which contain no lies are extremely dull.MCHigher education helps your earning capacity. Ask any college professor.lB][He] took me into his library and showed me his books, of which he had a complete set. -- Ring LardnerEAHe who writes with no misspelled words has prevented a first suspicion on the limits of his scholarship or, in the social world, of his general education and culture. -- Julia Norton McCorkle XEp!XYN7'I have to convince you, or at least snow you ...' -- Prof. Romas Aleliunas, CS 435lM]I have made this letter longer than usual because I lack the time to make it shorter. -- Blaise PascalMLI came to MIT to get an education for myself and a diploma for my mother.$KMI came out of twelve years of college and I didn't even know how to sew. All I could do was account -- I couldn't even account for myself. -- Firesign Theatre+J[I appreciate the fact that this draft was done in haste, but some of the sentences that you are sending out in the world to do your work for you are loitering in taverns or asleep beside the highway. -- Dr. Dwight Van de Vate, Professor of Philosophy, University of Tennessee at Knoxville8IuI am returning this otherwise good typing paper to you because someone has printed gibberish all over it and put your name at the top. -- Professor Lowd, English, Ohio University dHiKdEVIf little else, the brain is an educational toy. -- Tom Robbins>UIf ignorance is bliss, why aren't there more happy people?^TAIf he had only learnt a little less, how infinitely better he might have taught much more!kS[If any man wishes to be humbled and mortified, let him become president of Harvard. -- Edward Holyoke.Ra'I'm returning this note to you, instead of your paper, because it (your paper) presently occupies the bottom of my bird cage.' -- English Professor, Providence College QI think your opinions are reasonable, except for the one about my mental instability. -- Psychology Professor, Farifield UniversityQP'I respect faith, but doubt is what gives you an education. -- Wilson Mizner5OoI heard a definition of an intellectual, that I thought was very interesting: a man who takes more words than are necessary to tell more than he knows. -- Dwight D. Eisenhower fWQIf someone had told me I would be Pope one day, I would have studied harder. -- Pope John Paul I __XAIf the colleges were better, if they really had it, you would need to get the police at the gates to keep order in the inrushing multitude. See in college how we thwart the natural love of learning by leaving the natural method of teaching what each wishes to learn, and insisting that you shall learn what you have no taste or capacity for. The college, which should be a place of delightful labor, is made odious and unhealthy, and the young men are tempted to frivolous amusements to rally their jaded spirits. I would have the studies elective. Scholarship is to be created not by compulsion, but by awakening a pure interest in knowledge. The wise instructor accomplishes this by opening to his pupils precisely the attractions the study has for himself. The marking is a system for schools, not for the college; for boys, not for men; and it is an ungracious work to put on a professor. -- Ralph Waldo Emerson 1;T'1`/If you took all the students that felt asleep in class and laid them end to end, they'd be a lot more comfortable. -- 'Graffiti in the Big Ten'\_=If you think education is expensive, try ignorance. -- Derek Bok, president of HarvardE^If you resist reading what you disagree with, how will you ever acquire deeper insights into what you believe? The things most worth reading are precisely those that challenge our convictions.+]]If you can't read this, blame a teacher.6\sIf you are too busy to read, then you are too busy.d[MIf while you are in school, there is a shortage of qualified personnel in a particular field, then by the time you graduate with the necessary qualifications, that field's employment market is glutted. -- Marguerite EmmonseZOIf we spoke a different language, we would perceive a somewhat different world. -- Wittgenstein\Y=If truth is beauty, how come no one has their hair done in the library? -- Lily Tomlin g:5goIn California, Bill Honig, the Superintendent of Public Instruction, said he thought the general public should have a voice in defining what an excellent teacher should know. 'I would not leave the definition of math,' Dr. Honig said, 'up to the mathematicians.' -- The New York Times, October 22, 1985Af In a forest a fox bumps into a little rabbit, and says, 'Hi, Junior, what are you up to?' 'I'm wr+e]Illiterate? Write today, for free help!ddMIgnorance must certainly be bliss or there wouldn't be so many people so resolutely pursuing it.HcIgnorance is when you don't know anything and somebody finds it out.b'Ignorance is never out of style. It was in fashion yesterday, it is the rage today, and it will set the pace tomorrow. -- Franklin K. DaneSa+'If you understand what you're doing, you're not learning anything.' -- A. L.iting a dissertation on how rabbits eat foxes,' said the rabbit. 'Come now, friend rabbit, you know that's impossible! No one will publish such rubbish!' 'Well, follow me and I'll show you.' They both go into the rabbit's dwelling and after a while the rabbit emerges with a satisfied expression on his face. Comes along a wolf. 'Hello, little buddy, what are we doing these days?' 'I'm writing the 2'nd chapter of my thesis, on how rabbits devour wolves.' 'Are you crazy? Where's your academic honesty?' 'Come with me and I'll show you.' As before, the rabbit comes out with a satisfied look on his face and a diploma in his paw. Finally, the camera pans into the rabbit's cave and, as everybody should have guessed by now, we see a mean-looking, huge lion, sitting, picking his teeth and belching, next to some furry, bloody remnants of the wolf and the fox. The moral: It's not the contents of your thesis that are important -- it's your PhD advisor that really counts. IjIt has been said [by Anatole France], 'it is not by amusing oneself that one learns,' and, in reply: 'it is *____only* by amusing oneself that one can learn.' -- Edward Kasner and James R. NewmanGiIowa State -- the high school after high school! -- Crow T. Robot2hiInstead of giving money to found colleges to promote learning, why don't they pass a constitutional amendment prohibiting anybody from learning anything? If it works as good as the Prohibition one did, why, in five years we would have the smartest race of people on earth. -- The Best of Will Rogers 8kuIt has long been an article of our folklore that too much knowledge or skill, or especially consummate expertise, is a bad thing. It dehumanizes those who achieve it, and makes difficult their commerce with just plain folks, in whom good old common sense has not been obliterated by mere book learning or fancy notions. This popular delusion flourishes now more than ever, for we are all infected with it in the schools, where educationists have elevated it from folklore to Article of Belief. It enhances their self-esteem and lightens their labors by providing theoretical justification for deciding that appreciation, or even simple awareness, is more to be prized than knowledge, and relating (to self and others), more than skill, in which minimum competence will be quite enough. -- The Underground Grammarian "lI It is a profoundly erroneous truism, repeated by all copy-books and by eminent people when they are making speeches, that we should cultivate the habit of thinking about what we are doing. The precise opposite is the case. Civilization advances by extending the numbers of important operations which we can perform without thinking about them. Operations of thought are like cavalry charges in battle -- they are strictly limited in number, they require fresh horses, and must only be made at decisive moments. -- Alfred North Whitehead PP-m_ It's grad exam time... COMPUTER SCIENCE Inside your desk you'll find a listing of the DEC/VMS operating system in IBM 1710 machine code. Show what changes are necessary to convert this code into a UNIX Berkeley 7 operating system. Prove that these fixes are bug free and run correctly. You should gain at least 150% efficiency in the new system. (You should take no more than 10 minutes on this question.) MATHEMATICS If X equals PI times R^2, construct a formula showing how long it would take a fire ant to drill a hole through a dill pickle, if the length-girth ratio of the ant to the pickle were 98.17:1. GENERAL KNOWLEDGE Describe the Universe. Give three examples. )%)yowIt's is not, it isn't ain't, and it's it's, not its, if you mean it is. If you don't, it's its. Then too, it's hers. It isn't her's. It isn't our's either. It's ours, and likewise yours and theirs. -- Oxford University Press, Edpress NewsXn5 It's grad exam time... MEDICINE You have been provided with a razor blade, a piece of gauze, and a bottle of Scotch. Remove your appendix. Do not suture until your work has been inspected. (You have 15 minutes.) HISTORY Describe the history of the papacy from its origins to the present day, concentrating especially, but not exclusively, on its social, political, economic, religious and philisophical impact upon Europe, Asia, America, and Africa. Be brief, concise, and specific. BIOLOGY Create life. Estimate the differences in subsequent human culture if this form of life had been created 500 million years ago or earlier, with special attention to its probable effect on the English parliamentary system. _]>2_y-No discipline is ever requisite to force attendance upon lectures which are really worth the attending. -- Adam Smith, 'The Wealth of Nations':x{Never let your schooling interfere with your education.KwNever have so many understood so little about so much. -- James BurkeqvgMy father, a good man, told me, 'Never lose your ignorance; you cannot replace it.' -- Erich Maria RemarqueJuMost seminars have a happy ending. Everyone's glad when they're over.{t{Maybe ain't ain't so correct, but I notice that lots of folks who ain't using ain't ain't eatin' well. -- Will Rogers`sELearning without thought is labor lost; thought without learning is perilous. -- Confucius>rLearning at some schools is like drinking from a firehose.EqLearned men are the cisterns of knowledge, not the fountainheads.Zp9Joe Cool always spends the first two weeks at college sailing his frisbee. -- Snoopy FYNF}Not only is this incomprehensible, but the ink is ugly and the paper is from the wrong kind of tree. -- Professor, EECS, George Washington University I'm looking forward to working with you on this next year. -- Professor, Harvard, on a senior thesis.|Normally our rules are rigid; we tend to discretion, if for no other reason than self-protection. We never recommend any of our graduates, although we cheerfully provide information as to those who have failed their courses. -- Jack Vance, 'Freitzke's Turn'9{yNo wonder you're tired! You understood so much today.jzYNo matter who you are, some scholar can show you the great idea you had was had by someone before you. fK'OK, now let's look at four dimensions on the blackboard.' -- Dr. Joy~3 `O' LEVEL COUNTER CULTURE Timewarp allowed: 3 hours. Do not scrawl situationalist graffiti in the margins or stub your rollups in the inkwells. Orange may be worn. Credit will be given to candidates who self-actualise. (1) Compare and contrast Pink Floyd with Black Sabbath and say why neither has street credibility. (2) 'Even Buddha would have been hard pushed to reach Nirvana squatting on a juggernaut route.' Consider the dialectic of inner truth and inner city. (3) Discuss degree of hassle involved in paranoia about being sucked into a black hole. (4) 'The Egomaniac's Liberation Front were a bunch of revisionist ripoff merchants.' Comment on this insult. (5) Account for the lack of references to brown rice in Dylan's lyrics. (6) 'Castenada was a bit of a bozo.' How far is this a fair summing up of western dualism? (7) Hermann Hesse was a Pisces. Discuss. Y>Princeton's taste is sweet like a strawberry tart. Harvard's is a subtle taste, like whiskey, coffee, or tobacco. It may even be a bad habit, for all I know. -- Prof. J.H. Finley '25:{Practice is the best of all instructors. -- PubliliusI'Plaese porrf raed.' -- Prof. Michael O'Longhlin, S.U.N.Y. Purchase.aPeriphrasis is the putting of things in a round-about way. 'The cost may be upwards of a figure rather below 10m#.' is a periphrasis for The cost may be nearly 10m#. 'In Paris there reigns a complete absence of really reliable news' is a periphrasis for There is no reliable news in Paris. 'Rarely d)WOne cannot make an omelette without breaking eggs -- but it is amazing how many eggs one can break without making a decent omelette. -- Professor Charles P. Issawi4oOK, so you're a Ph.D. Just don't touch anything.oes the 'Little Summer' linger until November, but at times its stay has been prolonged until quite late in the year's penultimate month' contains a periphrasis for November, and another for lingers. 'The answer is in the negative' is a periphrasis for No. 'Was made the recipient of' is a periphrasis for Was presented with. The periphrasis style is hardly possible on any considerable scale without much use of abstract nouns such as 'basis, case, character, connexion, dearth, description, duration, framework, lack, nature, reference, regard, respect'. The existence of abstract nouns is a proof that abstract thought has occurred; abstract thought is a mark of civilized man; and so it has come about that periphrasis and civilization are by many held to be inseparable. These good people feel that there is an almost indecent nakedness, a reversion to barbarism, in saying No news is good news instead of 'The absence of intelligence is an indication of satisfactory developments.' -- Fowler's English Usage  n _ CReporter: 'How did you like school when you were growing up, Yogi?' Yogi Berra: 'Closed.'7uReading is to the mind what exercise is to the body.FReading is thinking with someone else's head instead of one's own. Professor Gorden Newell threw another shutout in last week's Chem Eng. 130 midterm. Once again a student did not receive a single point on his exam. Newell has now tossed 5 shutouts this quarter. Newell's earned exam average has now dropped to a phenomenal 30%. NN. aRules for Good Grammar #4. (1) Don't use no double negatives. (2) Make each pronoun agree with their antecedents. (3) Join clauses good, like a conjunction should. (4) About them sentence fragments. (5) When dangling, watch your participles. (6) Verbs has got to agree with their subjects. (7) Just between you and i, case is important. (8) Don't write run-on sentences when they are hard to read. (9) Don't use commas, which aren't necessary. (10) Try to not ever split infinitives. (11) It is important to use your apostrophe's correctly. (12) Proofread your writing to see if you any words out. (13) Correct speling is essential. (14) A preposition is something you never end a sentence with. (15) While a transcendant vocabulary is laudable, one must be eternally careful so that the calculated objective of communication does not become ensconsed in obscurity. In other words, eschew obfuscation. y {aW The average Ph.D thesis is nothing but the transference of bones from one graveyard to another. -- J. Frank Dobie, 'A Texan in England'bIThe alarm clock that is louder than God's own belongs to the roommate with the earliest class.!GThe 'A' is for content, the 'minus' is for not typing it. Don't ever do this to my eyes again. -- Professor Ronald Brady, Philosophy, Ramapo State College5Teachers have class.Z9Suddenly, Professor Liebowitz realizes he has come to the seminar without his duck ...?Spelling is a lossed art.& S'Speed is subsittute fo accurancy.'V 1Some scholars are like donkeys, they merely carry a lot of books. -- Folk saying  Smartness runs in my family. When I went to school I was so smart my teacher was in my class for five years. -- George Burns 5J5' 'The best thing for being sad,' replied Merlin, beginning to puff and blow, 'is to learn something. That's the only thing that never fails. You may grow old and trembling in your anatomies, you may lie awake at night listening to the disorder of your veins, you may miss your only love, you may see the world about you devastated by evil lunatics, or know your honour trampled in the sewers of baser minds. There is only one thing for it then -- to learn. Learn why the world wags and what wags it. That is the only thing which the mind can never exhaust, never alienate, never be tortured by, never fear or distrust, and never dream of regretting. Learning is the only thing for you. Look what a lot of things there are to learn.' -- T.H. White, 'The Once and Future King'2iThe avocation of assessing the failures of better men can be turned into a comfortable livelihood, providing you back it up with a Ph.D. -- Nelson Algren, 'Writers at Work' ZvV!ZvqThe only thing that experience teaches us is that experience teaches us nothing. -- Andre Maurois (Emile Herzog)KThe man who has never been flogged has never been taught. -- Menander2kThe important thing is not to stop questioning.KThe future is a race between education and catastrophe. -- H.G. WellsY7The end of the world will occur at three p.m., this Friday, with symposium to follow.skThe college graduate is presented with a sheepskin to cover his intellectual nakedness. -- Robert M. HutchinsThe brain is a wonderful organ; it starts working the moment you get up in the morning, and does not stop until you get to school. //r iThe ratio of literacy to illiteracy is a constant, but nowadays the illiterates can read. -- Alberto Moravia^AThe problem with graduate students, in general, is that they have to sleep every few days.Q'The only thing we learn from history is that we learn nothing from history. -- Hegel I know guys can't learn from yesterday ... Hegel must be taking the long view. -- John Brunner, 'Stand on Zanzibar'"IThe only thing we learn from history is that we do not learn. -- Earl Warren That men do not learn very much from history is the most important of all the lessons that history has to teach. -- Aldous Huxley We learn from history that we do not learn from history. -- Georg Hegel HISTORY: Papa Hegel he say that all we learn from history is that we learn nothing from history. I know people who can't even learn from what happened this morning. Hegel must have been taking the long view. -- Chad C. Mulligan, 'The Hipcrime Vocab'  *`\ M'The Tree of Learning bears the noblest fruit, but noble fruit tastes bad.K&The three best things about going to school are June, July, and August.2%iThe test of a first-rate intelligence is the ability to hold two opposed ideas in the mind at the same time and still retain the ability to function. -- F. Scott Fitzgeraldc$KThe sunlights differ, but there is only one darkness. -- Ursula K. LeGuin, 'The Dispossessed'a#GThe sum of the intelligence of the world is constant. The population is, of course, growing.j"Y'The student in question is performing minimally for his peer group and is an emerging underachiever.'f!QThe real purpose of books is to trap the mind into doing its own thinking. -- Christopher Morley iiZi[.;Time is a great teacher, but unfortunately it kills all its pupils. -- Hector Berlioz-#Those who educate children well are more to be honored than parents, for these only gave life, those the art of living well. -- AristotleT,-This is the sort of English up with which I will not put. -- Winston Churchill;+}There are no answers, only cross-references. -- Weinerw*sThe world is full of people who have never, since childhood, met an open doorway with an open mind. -- E.B. WhiteJ)The world is coming to an end! Repent and return those library books!F(The USA is so enormous, and so numerous are its schools, colleges and religious seminaries, many devoted to special religious beliefs ranging from the unorthodox to the dotty, that we can hardly wonder at its yielding a more bounteous harvest of gobbledegook than the rest of the world put together. -- Sir Peter Medawar }2^6AUniversity politics are vicious precisely because the stakes are so small. -- C. P. Snow5+Universities are places of knowledge. The freshman each bring a little in with them, and the seniors take none away, so knowledge accumulates.S4+Trying to get an education here is like trying to get a drink from a fire hose.[3;Try not to have a good time ... This is supposed to be educational. -- Charles Schulz27To teach is to learn.21kTo teach is to learn twice. -- Joseph JoubertI0To craunch a marmoset. -- Pedro Carolino, 'English as She is Spoke'c/KTo accuse others for one's own misfortunes is a sign of want of education. To accuse oneself shows that one's education has begun. To accuse neither oneself nor others shows that one's education is complete. -- Epictetus zo:cWe're fantastically incredibly sorry for all these extremely unreasonable things we did. I can only plead that my simple, barely-sentient friend and myself are underprivileged, deprived and also college students. -- Waldo D.R. Dobbs9 We know next to nothing about virtually everything. It is not necessary to know the origin of the universe; it is necessary to want to know. Civilization depends not on any particular knowledge, but on the disposition to crave knowledge. -- George WillP8%'We demand rigidly defined areas of doubt and uncertainty!' -- Vroomfondel(7UWalt: Dad, what's gradual school? Garp: Gradual school? Walt: Yeah. Mom says her work's more fun now that she's teaching gradual school. Garp: Oh. Well, gradual school is someplace you go and gradually find out that you don't want to go to school anymore. -- The World According To Garp GGu<oWhat does education often do? It makes a straight cut ditch of a free meandering brook. -- Henry David Thoreau=; 'We're running out of adjectives to describe our situation. We had crisis, then we went into chaos, and now what do we call this?' said Nicaraguan economist Francisco Mayorga, who holds a doctorate from Yale. -- The Washington Post, February, 1988 The New Yorker's comment: At Harvard they'd call it a noun. /[/dAMWhat's page one, a preemptive strike? -- Professor Freund, Communication, Ramapo State College;@}What we do not understand we do not possess. -- Goethe? What passes for optimism is most often the effect of an intellectual error. -- Raymond Aron, 'The Opium of the Intellectuals'h>UWhat makes you think graduate school is supposed to be satisfying? -- Erica Jong, 'Fear of Flying'6=q What I Did During My Fall Semester On the first day of my fall semester, I got up. Then I went to the library to find a thesis topic. Then I hung out in front of the Dover. On the second day of my fall semester, I got up. Then I went to the library to find a thesis topic. Then I hung out in front of the Dover. On the third day of my fall semester, I got up. Then I went to the library to find a thesis topic. I found a thesis topic: How to keep people from hanging out in front of the Dover. -- Sister Mary Elephant, 'Student Statement for Black Friday' !z~1![I;You may have heard that a dean is to faculty as a hydrant is to a dog. -- Alfred KahnSH+You don't have to think too hard when you talk to teachers. -- J. D. SalingerYG7You can't expect a boy to be vicious till he's been to a good school. -- H.H. MunroIF Wouldn't the sentence 'I want to put a hyphen between the words Fish and And and And and Chips in my Fish-And-Chips sign' have been clearer if quotation marks had been placed before Fish, and between Fish and and, and and and And, and And and and, and and and And, and And and and, and and and Chips, as well as after Chips?ME'Whom are you?' said he, for he had been to night school. -- George AdeKDWhere do I find the time for not reading so many books? -- Karl Kraus[C;Whenever anyone says, 'theoretically,' they really mean, 'not really.' -- Dave ParnasB When I was in school, I cheated on my metaphysics exam: I looked into the soul of the boy sitting next to me. -- Woody Allen NN.Ja'You should, without hesitation, pound your typewriter into a plowshare, your paper into fertilizer, and enter agriculture' -- Business Professor, University of GeorgiaBB~xrlf`ZTNHB<60*$ over reality, once it is given the chance. -- Stanislaw LemZ9A cloud does not know why it moves in just such a direction and at such a speed, if feels an impulsion... this is the place to go now. But the sky knows the reasons and the patterns behind all clouds, and you will know, too, when you lift yourself high enough to see beyond horizons. -- Messiah's Handbook : Reminders for the Advanced SoulB A clash of doctrine is not a disaster -- it is an opportunity.#(1) Avoid fried meaA@?> = <;v:q8g7d6a5[4Z3R2K1C0:/8./-+,$+*) '&%s$o#l"i ed^VME=5( {u l ` X S L@7+%"   nn*n]?A dream will always triumph over reality, once it is given the chance. -- Stanislaw LemZ9A cloud does not know why it moves in just such a direction and at such a speed, if feels an impulsion... this is the place to go now. But the sky knows the reasons and the patterns behind all clouds, and you will know, too, when you lift yourself high enough to see beyond horizons. -- Messiah's Handbook : Reminders for the Advanced SoulB A clash of doctrine is not a disaster -- it is an opportunity.#(1) Avoid fried meats which angry up the blood. (2) If your stomach antagonizes you, pacify it with cool thoughts. (3) Keep the juices flowing by jangling around gently as you move. (4) Go very lightly on the vices, such as carrying on in society, as the social ramble ain't restful. (5) Avoid running at all times. (6) Don't look back, something might be gaining on you. -- S. Paige, c. 1951 kM k AA man said to the Universe: 'Sir, I exist!' 'However,' replied the Universe, 'the fact has not created in me a sense of obligation.' -- Stephen Crane{{A lot of people I know believe in positive thinking, and so do I. I believe everything positively stinks. -- Lew ColJA lifetime isn't nearly long enough to figure out what it's all about.vqA halted retreat Is nerve-wracking and dangerous. To retain people as men -- and maidservants Brings good fortune.0eA fake fortuneteller can be tolerated. But an authentic soothsayer should be shot on sight. Cassandra did not get half the kicking around she deserved. -- R.A. Heinlein  A priest advised Voltaire on his death bed to renounce the devil. Replied Voltaire, 'This is no time to make new enemies.' A neighbor came to Nasrudin, asking to borrow his donkey. 'It is out on loan,' the teacher replied. At that moment, the donkey brayed loudly inside the stable. 'But I can hear it bray, over there.' 'Whom do you believe,' asked Nasrudin, 'me or a donkey?'` EA master was asked the question, 'What is the Way?' by a curious monk. 'It is right before your eyes,' said the master. 'Why do I not see it for myself?' 'Because you are thinking of yourself.' 'What about you: do you see it?' 'So long as you see double, saying `I don't', and `you do', and so on, your eyes are clouded,' said the master. 'When there is neither `I' nor `You', can one see it?' 'When there is neither `I' nor `You', who is the one that wants to see it?' )WA sad spectacle. If they be inhabited, what a scope for misery and folly. If they be not inhabited, what a waste of space. -- Thomas Carlyle, looking at the stars[ ;A priest asked: What is Fate, Master? And the Master answered: It is that which gives a beast of burden its reason for existence. It is that which men in former times had to bear upon their backs. It is that which has caused nations to build byways from City to City upon which carts and coaches pass, and alongside which inns have come to be built to stave off Hunger, Thirst and Weariness. And that is Fate? said the priest. Fate... I thought you said Freight, responded the Master. That's all right, said the priest. I wanted to know what Freight was too. -- Kehlog Albran, 'The Profit'  y k[A thing is not necessarily true because a man dies for it. -- Oscar Wilde, 'The Portrait of Mr. W.H.' A Scholar asked his Master, 'Master, would you advise me of a proper vocation?' The Master replied, 'Some men can earn their keep with the power of their minds. Others must use thier strong backs, legs and hands. This is the same in nature as it is with man. Some animals acquire their food easily, such as rabbits, hogs and goats. Other animals must fiercely struggle for their sustenance, like beavers, moles and ants. So you see, the nature of the vocation must fit the individual. 'But I have no abilities, desires, or imagination, Master,' the scholar sobbed. Queried the Master... 'Have you thought of becoming a salesperson?' aCariAll of the true things I am about to tell you are shameless lies. -- The Book of Bokonon / Kurt Vonnegut Jr.l]All men know the utility of useful things; but they do not know the utility of futility. -- Chuang-tzu<All hope abandon, ye who enter here! -- Dante AlighieriuoAh, but a man's grasp should exceed his reach, Or what's a heaven for ? -- Robert Browning, 'Andrea del Sarto'A would-be disciple came to Nasrudin's hut on the mountain-side. Knowing that every action of such an enlightened one is significant, the seeker watched the teacher closely. 'Why do you blow on your hands?' 'To warm myself in the cold.' Later, Nasrudin poured bowls of hot soup for himself and the newcomer, and blew on his own. 'Why are you doing that, Master?' 'To cool the soup.' Unable to trust a man who uses the same process to arrive at two different results -- hot and cold -- the disciple departed. ))'S An older student came to Otis and said, 'I have been to see a great number of teachers and I have given up a great number of pleasures. I have fasted, been celibate and stayed awake nights seeking enlightenment. I have given up everything I was asked to give up and I have suffered, but I have not been enlightened. What should I do?' Otis replied, 'Give up suffering.' -- Camden Benares, 'Zen Without Zen Masters'@An idea is not responsible for the people who believe in it.3kAn idea is an eye given by God for the seeing of God. Some of these eyes we cannot bear to look out of, we blind them as quickly as possible. -- Russell Hoban, 'Pilgermann'2iAll of us should treasure his Oriental wisdom and his preaching of a Zen-like detachment, as exemplified by his constant reminder to clerks, tellers, or others who grew excited by his presence in their banks: 'Just lie down on the floor and keep calm.' -- Robert Wilson, 'John Dillinger Died for You' aG Approaching the gates of the monastery, Hakuin found Ken the Zen preaching to a group of disciples Anyway, I keep picturing all these little kids playing some game in this big field of rye and all. Thousands of little kids, and nobody's around -- nobody big, I mean -- except me. And I'm standing on the edge of some crazy cliff. What I have to do, I have to catch everybody if they start to go over the cliff -- I mean if they're running and they don't look where they're going I have to come out from somewhere and catch them. That's all I'd do all day. I'd just be the catcher in the rye. I know it; I know it's crazy, but that's the only thing I'd really like to be. I know it's crazy. -- J.D. Salinger, 'Catcher in the Rye'qgAnd ever has it been known that love knows not its own depth until the hour of separation. -- Kahlil Gibran. 'Words...' Ken orated, 'they are but an illusory veil obfuscating the absolute reality of --' 'Ken!' Hakuin interrupted. 'Your fly is down!' Whereupon the Clear Light of Illumination exploded upon Ken, and he vaporized. On the way to town, Hakuin was greeted by an itinerant monk imbued with the spirit of the morning. 'Ah,' the monk sighed, a beatific smile wrinkling across his cheeks, 'Thou art That...' 'Ah,' Hakuin replied, pointing excitedly, 'And Thou art Fat!' Whereupon the Clear Light of Illumination exploded upon the monk, and he vaporized. Next, the Governor sought the advice of Hakuin, crying: 'As our enemies bear down upon us, how shall I, with such heartless and callow soldiers as I am heir to, hope to withstand the impending onslaught?' 'US?' snapped Hakuin. Whereupon the Clear Light of Illumination exploded upon the Governor, and he vaporized. Then, a redneck went up to Hakuin and vaporized the old Master with his shotgun. 'Ha! Beat ya' to the punchline, ya' scrawny li'l geek!' b`cb[";Beauty is one of the rare things which does not lead to doubt of God. -- Jean Anouilh!!GAt the foot of the mountain, thunder: The image of Providing Nourishment. Thus the superior man is careful of his words And temperate in eating and drinking.] ?At the end of your life there'll be a good rest, and no further activities are scheduled.HAt ebb tide I wrote a line upon the sand, and gave it all my heart and all my soul. At flood tide I returned to read what I had inscribed and found my ignorance upon the shore. -- Kahlil GibranP%As failures go, attempting to recall the past is like trying to grasp the meaning of existence. Both make one feel like a baby clutching at a basketball: one's palms keep sliding off. -- Joseph Brodsky?Arrakis teaches the attitude of the knife - chopping off what's incomplete and saying: 'Now it's complete because it's ended here.' -- Muad'dib, 'Dune' &\&&%QBrahma said: Well, after hearing ten thousand explanations, a fool is no wiser. But an intelligent man needs only two thousand five hundred. -- The Mahabharata $Before you ask more questions, think about whether you really want to know the answers. -- Gene Wolfe, 'The Claw of the Conciliator'!#G Before he became a hermit, Zarathud was a young Priest, and took great delight in making fools of his opponents in front of his followers. One day Zarathud took his students to a pleasant pasture and there he confronted The Sacred Chao while She was contentedly grazing. 'Tell me, you dumb beast,' demanded the Priest in his commanding voice, 'why don't you do something worthwhile? What is your Purpose in Life, anyway?' Munching the tasty grass, The Sacred Chao replied 'MU'. (The Chinese ideogram for NO-THING.) Upon hearing this, absolutely nobody was enlightened. Primarily because nobody understood Chinese. -- Camden Benares, 'Zen Without Zen Masters' Q2M^Q + 'Cheshire-Puss,' she began, 'would you tell me, please, which way I ought to go from here?' 'That depends a good deal on where you want to get to,' said the Cat. 'I don't care much where--' said Alice. 'Then it doesn't matter which way you go,' said the Cat.l*] Chapter 1 The story so far: In the beginning the Universe was created. This has made a lot of people very angry and been widely regarded as a bad move. -- Douglas Adams, HHGG #2, (The Restaurant at the End of the Universe).W)3Chance is perhaps the work of God when He did not want to sign. -- Anatole France (Certainly the game is rigged. Don't let that stop you; if you don't bet, you can't win. -- Robert Heinlein, 'Time Enough For Love'b'ICatharsis is something I associate with pornography and crossword puzzles. -- Howard Chaykinh&UBy protracting life, we do not deduct one jot from the duration of death. -- Titus Lucretius Carus 1{V)Q177sDestiny is a good thing to accept when it's going your way. When it isn't, don't call it destiny; call it injustice, treachery, or simple bad luck. -- Joseph Heller, 'God Knows'd6MDepend on the rabbit's foot if you will, but remember, it didn't help the rabbit. -- R.E. Shay85wDepart not from the path which fate has assigned you.e4ODeath is only a state of mind. Only it doesn't leave you much time to think about anything else.53qDeath is nature's way of telling you to slow down.+2]Death is nature's way of saying `Howdy'.31mDeath is Nature's way of recycling human beings.F0Death is life's way of telling you you've been fired. -- R. Geis@/Death is God's way of telling you not to be such a wise guy.d.MDeath is a spirit leaving a body, sort of like a shell leaving the nut behind. -- Erma Bombeck8-wCoincidences are spiritual puns. -- G.K. ChestertonI,Circumstances rule men; men do not rule circumstances. -- Herodotus Gm\GR@)Do your part to help preserve life on Earth -- by trying to preserve your own._?C 'Do you think there's a God?' 'Well, ____SOMEbody's out to get me!' -- Calvin and Hobbs^>ADo what you can to prolong your life, in the hope that someday you'll learn what it's for.G=Do not take life too seriously; you will never get out of it alive.u<oDo not seek death; death will find you. But seek the road which makes death a fulfillment. -- Dag HammarskjoldN;!Do not despair of life. You have no doubt force enough to overcome your obstacles. Think of the fox prowling through wood and field in a winter night for something to satisfy his hunger. Notwithstanding cold and hounds and traps, his race survives. I do not believe any of them ever committed suicide. -- Henry David Thoreau.:cDo not believe in miracles -- rely on them.9CDitat Deus. [God enriches]A8Disease can be cured; fate is incurable. -- Chinese proverb l/KcLKDue to circumstances beyond your control, you are master of your fate and captain of your soul.$KODown with categorical imperative!gJSDoubt isn't the opposite of faith; it is an element of faith. -- Paul Tillich, German theologian.9IyDon't take life seriously, you'll never get out alive.?HDon't stop to stomp ants when the elephants are stampeding.GGDon't make a big deal out of everything; just deal with everything.LFDon't let people drive you crazy when you know it's in walking distance.GEDon't kid yourself. Little is relevant, and nothing lasts forever.KDDon't have good ideas if you aren't willing to be responsible for them.;C}Don't go to bed with no price on your head. -- BarettaCB Don't abandon hope: your Tom Mix decoder ring arrives tomorrow.MADon't abandon hope. Your Captain Midnight decoder ring arrives tomorrow. 7au07aSGEven the best of friends cannot attend each other's funeral. -- Kehlog Albran, 'The Profit'KREither I'm dead or my watch has stopped. -- Groucho Marx's last wordsGQEach of us bears his own Hell. -- Publius Vergilius Maro (Virgil)CP Each man is his own prisoner, in solitary confinement for life.ZO9Dying is one of the few things that can be done as easily lying down. -- Woody Allen NDying is a very dull, dreary affair. My advice to you is to have nothing whatever to do with it. -- W. Somerset Maughm, his last wordsM=During the voyage of life, remember to keep an eye out for a fair wind; batten down during a storm; hail all passing ships; and fly your colors proudly. [ F[MXEverything is possible. Pass the word. -- Rita Mae Brown, 'Six of One'cWKEverything in this book may be wrong. -- Messiah's Handbook : Reminders for the Advanced Soul5VqEverything ends badly. Otherwise it wouldn't end.CU Every person, all the events in your life are there because you have drawn them there. What you choose to do with them is up to you. -- Messiah's Handbook : Reminders for the Advanced SoulqTgEvery man who has reached even his intellectual teens begins to suspect that life is no farce; that it is not genteel comedy even; that it flowers and fructifies on the contrary out of the profoundest tragic depths of the essential death in which its subject's roots are plunged. The natural inheritance of everyone who is capable of spiritual life is an unsubdued forest where the wolf howls and the obscene bird of night chatters. -- Henry James Sr., writing to his sons Henry and William vC~`... 'fire' does not matter, 'earth' and 'air' and 'water' do not matter. 'I' do not matter. No word matters. But man forgets reality and remembers words. The more words he remembers, the cleverer do his fellows esteem him. He looks upon the great transformations of the world, but he does not see them as they were seen when man looked upon reality for the first time. Their names come to his lips and he smiles as he tastes them, thinking he knows them in the naming. -- Roger Zelazny, 'Lord of Light'a_GFill what's empty, empty what's full, scratch where it itches. -- Alice Roosevelt Longworth5^qFaith is under the left nipple. -- Martin LutherG]Faith goes out through the window when beauty comes in at the door.C\ Fain would I climb, yet fear I to fall. -- Sir Walter Raleigh1[iFacts are the enemy of truth. -- Don Quixote4ZoExpansion means complexity; and complexity decay.RY)Execute every act of thy life as though it were thy last. -- Marcus Aurelius =V{-=@lGetting there is only half as far as getting there and back.?kGetting into trouble is easy. -- D. Winkel and F. Prosserkj[Generally speaking, the Way of the warrior is resolute acceptance of death. -- Miyamoto Musashi, 1645LiFrom the cradle to the coffin underwear comes first. -- Bertolt Brecht"If there is a sin against life, it consists perhaps not so much in despairing of life as in hoping for another life and in eluding the implacable grandeur of this life. -- Albert Camus!/If there is a possibility of several things going wrong, the one that will cause the most damage will be the one to go wrong. If you perceive that there are four possible ways in which a procedure can go wrong, and circumvent these, then a fifth way will promptly develop. Ncm"{FN@5Immortality -- a fate worse than death. -- Edgar A. Shoaff84wIllusion is the first of all pleasures. -- Voltairew3sIf your happiness depends on what somebody else does, I guess you do have a problem. -- Richard Bach, 'Illusions'22kIf your aim in life is nothing, you can't miss.41oIf you want divine justice, die. -- Nick Seldonm0_If you wait long enough, it will go away... after having done its damage. If it was bad, it will be back.H/If you refuse to accept anything but the best you very often get it.3.mIf you put it off long enough, it might go away.S-+If you only have a hammer, you tend to see every problem as a nail. -- Maslowg,SIf you live long enough, you'll see that every victory turns into a defeat. -- Simone de Beauvoir;+}If you keep anything long enough, you can throw it away.5*qIf you have to think twice about it, you're wrong.$)OIf you have to hate, hate gently. h"ZhZ=9Instead of loving your enemies, treat your friends a little better. -- Edgar W. HoweJ<Indeed, the first noble truth of Buddhism, usually translated as `all life is suffering,' is more accurately rendered `life is filled with a sense of pervasive unsatisfactoriness.' -- M.D. Epstein);YIn the next world, you're on your own.<:In the long run we are all dead. -- John Maynard KeynesY97In spite of everything, I still believe that people are good at heart. -- Ann Frankf8QIn order to live free and happily, you must sacrifice boredom. It is not always an easy sacrifice.\7=In order to discover who you are, first learn who everybody else is; you're what's left.Z69In dwelling, be close to the land. In meditation, delve deep into the heart. In dealing with others, be gentle and kind. In speech, be true. In work, be competent. In action, be careful of your timing. -- Lao Tsu /`3V/!EGIt is said that the lonely eagle flies to the mountain peaks while the lowly ant crawls the ground, but cannot the soul of the ant soar as high as the eagle?DIt is only with the heart one can see clearly; what is essential is invisible to the eye. -- The Fox, 'The Little Prince'YC7It is only by risking our persons from one hour to another that we live at all. And often enough our faith beforehand in an uncertified result is the only thing that makes the result come true. -- William JamesuBoIt is not doing the thing we like to do, but liking the thing we have to do, that makes life blessed. -- Goethe4AoIt is Fortune, not Wisdom, that rules man's life.{@{It is easier for a camel to pass through the eye of a needle if it is lightly greased. -- Kehlog Albran, 'The Profit'C? It does not do to leave a live dragon out of your calculations.W>3Intellect annuls Fate. So far as a man thinks, he is free. -- Ralph Waldo Emerson ^XZfMQIt's very inconvenient to be mortal -- you never know when everything may suddenly stop happening.>L 'It's today!' said Piglet. 'My favorite day,' said Pooh.CK It's not reality that's important, but how you perceive things.eJOIt's hard to drive at the limit, but it's harder to know where the limits are. -- Stirling MossMIIt's easier to take it apart than to put it back together. -- Washlesky HIt will be advantageous to cross the great stream ... the Dragon is on the wing in the Sky ... the Great Man rouses himself to his Work.sGkIt is through symbols that man consciously or unconsciously lives, works and has his being. -- Thomas CarlyleFAIt is so stupid of modern civilisation to have given up believing in the devil when he is the only explanation of it. -- Ronald Knox, 'Let Dons Delight' if"vYV7Life is like a 10 speed bicycle. Most of us have gears we never use. -- C. Schultz;U}Life is knowing how far to go without crossing the line.DT Life is a grand adventure -- or it is nothing. -- Helen Keller$SOLife exists for no known purpose.ARLife can be so tragic -- you're here today and here tomorrow.dQMLet us not look back in anger or forward in fear, but around us in awareness. -- James ThurberOP#Kindness is the beginning of cruelty. -- Muad'dib [Frank Herbert, 'Dune']GOJust remember, wherever you go, there you are. -- Buckaroo BonzaiN+Joshu: What is the true Way? Nansen: Every way is the true Way. J: Can I study it? N: The more you study, the further from the Way. J: If I don't study it, how can I know it? N: The Way does not belong to things seen: nor to things unseen. It does not belong to things known: nor to things unknown. Do not seek it, study it, or name it. To find yourself on it, open yourself as wide as the sky. ^`^X^5Like, if I'm not for me, then fer shure, like who will be? And if, y'know, if I'm not like fer anyone else, then hey, I mean, what am I? And if not now, like I dunno, maybe like when? And if not Who, then I dunno, maybe like the Rolling Stones? -- Rich Rosen (Rabbi Valiel's paraphrase of famous quote attributed to Rabbi Hillel.)E]Life sucks, but death doesn't put out at all. -- Thomas J. Kopp\Life only demands from you the strength you possess. Only one feat is possible -- not to have run away. -- Dag Hammarskjold\[=Life may have no meaning, or, even worse, it may have a meaning of which you disapprove.ZELife is the urge to ecstasy.UY/Life is the living you do, Death is the living you don't do. -- Joseph Pintauro8XwLife is the childhood of our immortality. -- GoethebWILife is like a sewer. What you get out of it depends on what you put into it. -- Tom Lehrer Dkd[[Maturity consists in the discovery that] there comes a critical moment where everything is reversed, after which the point becomes to understand more and more that there is something which cannot be understood. -- S. Kierkegaard@cMan's reach must exceed his grasp, for why else the heavens?IbLong were the days of pain I have spent within its walls, and long were the nights of aloneness; and who can depart from his pain and his aloneness without regret? -- Kahlil Gibran, 'The Prophet':a{Loneliness is a terrible price to pay for independence.s`kLiving in the complex world of the future is somewhat like having bees live in your head. But, there they are.8_uLive never to be ashamed if anything you do or say is published around the world -- even if what is published is not true. -- Messiah's Handbook : Reminders for the Advanced Soul `eEMohandas K. Gandhi often changed his mind publicly. An aide once asked him how he could so freely contradict this week what he had said just last week. The great man replied that it was because this week he knew better.little seed in the plastic cup. The roots go down and the plant goes up and nobody really knows how or why, but we are all like that. Goldfish and hamsters and white mice and even the little seed in the plastic cup -- they all die. So do we. And then remember the book about Dick and Jane and the first word you learned, the biggest word of all: LOOK. Everything you need to know is in there somewhere. The Golden Rule and love and basic sanitation. Ecology and politics and sane living. Think of what a better world it would be if we all -- the whole world -- had cookies and milk about 3 o'clock every afternoon and then lay down with our blankets for a nap. Or if we had a basic policy in our nation and other nations to always put things back where we found them and cleaned up our own messes. And it is still true, no matter how old you are, when you go out into the world it is best to hold hands and stick together. -- Robert Fulghum, 'All I ever really needed to know I learned in kindergarten' %h%@iMusic in the soul can be heard by the universe. -- Lao TsuNh!Murphy's Law is recursive. Washing your car to make it rain doesn't work.g;Murphy was an optimist.fA Most of what I really need to know about how to live, and what to do, and how to be, I learned in kindergarten. Wisdom was not at the top of the graduate school mountain but there in the sandbox at nursery school. These are the things I learned: Share everything. Play fair. Don't hit people. Put things back where you found them. Clean up your own mess. Don't take things that aren't yours. Say you're sorry when you hurt someone. Wash your hands before you eat. Flush. Warm cookies and cold milk are good for you. Live a balanced life. Learn some and think some and draw and paint and sing and dance and play and work some every day. Take a nap every afternoon. When you go out into the world, watch for traffic, hold hands, and stick together. Be aware of wonder. Remember the ! 3ilWNasrudin called at a large house to collect for charity. The servant said 'My master is out.' Nasrudin replied, 'Tell your master that next time he goes out, he should not leave his face at the window. Someone might steal it.'ckKMy theology, briefly, is that the universe was dictated but not signed. -- Christopher MorleyIjMy religion consists of a humble admiration of the illimitable superior spirit who reveals himself in the slight details we are able to perceive with our frail and feeble mind. -- Albert Einstein 99o?Nasrudin walked into a teahouse and declaimed, 'The moon is more useful than the sun.' 'Why?', he was asked. 'Because at night we need the light more.'xnuNasrudin walked into a shop one day, and the owner came forward to serve him. Nasrudin said, 'First things first. Did you see me walk into your shop?' 'Of course.' 'Have you ever seen me before?' 'Never.' 'Then how do you know it was me?'&mQNasrudin returned to his village from the imperial capital, and the villagers gathered around to hear what had passed. 'At this time,' said Nasrudin, 'I only want to say that the King spoke to me.' All the villagers but the stupidest ran off to spread the wonderful news. The remaining villager asked, 'What did the King say to you?' 'What he said -- and quite distinctly, for everyone to hear -- was 'Get out of my way!'' The simpleton was overjoyed; he had heard words actually spoken by the King, and seen the very man they were spoken to. ..5soNo man is an Iland, intire of it selfe; every man is a peece of the Continent, a part of the maine; if a Clod bee washed away by the Sea, Europe is the lesse, as well as if a Promontorie were, as well as if a Mannor of thy friends or of thine owne were; any mans death diminishes me, because I am involved in Mankinde; And therefore never send to know for whom the bell tolls; It tolls for thee. -- John Donne, 'No Man is an Iland'(rUNinety percent of the time things turn out worse than you thought they would. The other ten percent of the time you had no right to expect that much. -- Augustine@qNinety percent of everything is crap. -- Theodore Sturgeon&pQNasrudin was carrying home a piece of liver and the recipe for liver pie. Suddenly a bird of prey swooped down and snatched the piece of meat from his hand. As the bird flew off, Nasrudin called after it, 'Foolish bird! You have the liver, but what can you do with it without the recipe?' )p|7H)ocOf all men's miseries, the bitterest is this: to know so much and have control over nothing. -- HerodotusP%Nothing matters very much, and few things matter at all. -- Arthur BalfourW~3Nothing is so firmly believed as that which we least know. -- Michel de MontaigneG}Nothing is ever a total loss; it can always serve as a bad example.|CNothing is but what is not.{Nothing is as simple as it seems at first Or as hopeless as it seems in the middle Or as finished as it seems in the end.Bz Nothing in life is to be feared. It is only to be understood.)yYNot every question deserves an answer.-xaNormal times may possibly be over forever.AwNonsense and beauty have close connections. -- E.M. ForsterQv'Nobody ever ruined their eyesight by looking at the bright side of something.Ou#No use getting too involved in life -- you're only here for a limited time.;t}No matter where I go, the place is always called 'here'. fMf One day it was announced that the young monk Kyogen had reached an enlightened state. Much impressed by this news, several of his peers went to speak with him. 'We have heard that you are enlightened. Is this true?' his fellow students inquired. 'It is', Kyogen answered. 'Tell us', said a friend, 'how do you feel?' 'As miserable as ever', replied the enlightened Kyogen.aGOnce you've tried to change the world you find it's a whole bunch easier to change your mind.I Once there lived a village of creatures along the bottom of a great crystal river. Each creature in its own manner clung tightly to the twigs and rocks of the river bottom, for clinging was their way of life, and resisting the current what each had learned from birth. But one creature said at last, 'I trust that the current ([;Once the toothpaste is out of the tube, it's hard to get it back in. -- H.R. Haldemanknows where it is going. I shall let go, and let it take me where it will. Clinging, I shall die of boredom.' The other creatures laughed and said, 'Fool! Let go, and that current you worship will throw you tumbled and smashed across the rocks, and you will die quicker than boredom!' But the one heeded them not, and taking a breath did let go, and at once was tumbled and smashed by the current across the rocks. Yet, in time, as the creature refused to cling again, the current lifted him free from the bottom, and he was bruised and hurt no more. And the creatures downstream, to whom he was a stranger, cried, 'See a miracle! A creature like ourselves, yet he flies! See the Messiah, come to save us all!' And the one carried in the current said, 'I am no more Messiah than you. The river delight to lift us free, if only we dare let go. Our true work is this voyage, this adventure. But they cried the more, 'Saviour!' all the while clinging to the rocks, making legends of a Saviour. -- Richard Bach SmM Only that in you which is me can hear what I'm saying. -- Baba Ram DassAOne monk said to the other, 'The fish has flopped out of the net! How will it live?' The other said, 'When you have gotten out of the net, I'll tell you.'AOne meets his destiny often on the road he takes to avoid it.@One learns to itch where one can scratch. -- Ernest BramahfQOne day the King decided that he would force all his subjects to tell the truth. A gallows was erected in front of the city gates. A herald announced, 'Whoever would enter the city must first answer the truth to a question which will be put to him.' Nasrudin was first in line. The captain of the guard asked him, 'Where are you going? Tell the truth -- the alternative is death by hanging.' 'I am going,' said Nasrudin, 'to be hanged on that gallows.' 'I don't believe you.' 'Very well, if I have told a lie, then hang me!' 'But that would make it the truth!' 'Exactly,' said Nasrudin, 'your truth.' 8mirN8IReality is just a crutch for people who can't handle science fiction.KReality is just a convenient measure of complexity. -- Alvy Ray Smith.cReality is for people who lack imagination.HReality is bad enough, why should I tell the truth? -- Patrick Sky!IReality does not exist -- yet.5qReality always seems harsher in the early morning.3mPush where it gives and scratch where it itches.9yPhilosophy will clip an angel's wings. -- John KeatsJ Perhaps the biggest disappointments were the ones you expected anyway. 5Perfection is reached, not when there is no longer anything to add, but when there is no longer anything to take away. -- Antoine de Saint-Exuperye OParadise is exactly like where you are right now ... only much, much better. -- Laurie Anderson #Only those who leisurely approach that which the masses are busy about can be busy about that which the masses take leisurely. -- Lao Tsu \``"B Sometimes you get an almost irresistible urge to go on living.;}Sometimes even to live is an act of courage. -- Seneca5qSo little time, so little to do. -- Oscar LevantD Since everything in life is but an experience perfect in being what it is, having nothing to do with good or bad, acceptance or rejection, one may well burst out in laughter. -- Long Chen PaN!Seeing is believing. You wouldn't have seen it if you hadn't believed it.<Rule of Life #1 -- Never get separated from your luggage.iWRemember, Grasshopper, falling down 1000 stairs begins by tripping over the first one. -- Confusion`E'Reality is that which, when you stop believing in it, doesn't go away'. -- Philip K. Dick>Reality is nothing but a collective hunch. -- Lily Tomlin /=/$ That, that is, is. That, that is not, is not. That, that is, is not that, that is not. That, that is not, is not that, that is.+#]That that is is that that is not is not.j"YTake your dying with some seriousness, however. Laughing on the way to your execution is not generally understood by less advanced life forms, and they'll call you crazy. -- 'Messiah's Handbook: Reminders for the Advanced Soul'h!USuperstition, idolatry, and hypocrisy have ample wages, but truth goes a-begging. -- Martin LutherS +Suffering alone exists, none who suffer; The deed there is, but no doer thereof; Nirvana is, but no one is seeking it; The Path there is, but none who travel it. -- 'Buddhist Symbolism', Symbols and ValueshUStandards are different for all things, so the standard set by man is by no means the only 'certain' standard. If you mistake what is relative for something certain, you have strayed far from the ultimate truth. -- Chuang Tzu 9w)S9+5The door is the key.4*oThe days are all empty and the nights are unreal.Y)7The chief danger in life is that you may take too many precautions. -- Alfred Adler@(The chief cause of problems is solutions. -- Eric SevareidK''The chain which can be yanked is not the eternal chain.' -- G. Fitch9&yThe best you get is an even break. -- Franklin AdamsJ%The absurd is the essential concept and the first truth. -- A. Camus ;<;D/ The first requisite for immortality is death. -- Stanislaw Lemm._The final delusion is the belief that one has lost all delusions. -- Maurice Chapelain, 'Main courante'G-The farther you go, the less you know. -- Lao Tsu, 'Tao Te Ching'@,The eye is a menace to clear sight, the ear is a menace to subtle hearing, the mind is a menace to wisdom, every organ of the senses is a menace to its own capacity. ... Fuss, the god of the Southern Ocean, and Fret, the god of the Northern Ocean, happened once to meet in the realm of Chaos, the god of the center. Chaos treated them very handsomely and they discussed together what they could do to repay his kindness. They had noticed that, whereas everyone else had seven apertures, for sight, hearing, eating, breathing and so on, Chaos had none. So they decided to make the experiment of boring holes in him. Every day they bored a hole, and on the seventh day, Chaos died. -- Chuang Tzu hP,FhF8The only difference between a rut and a grave is their dimensions.7'The most costly of all follies is to believe passionately in the palpably not true. It is the chief occupation of mankind. -- H.L. Mencken>6The moss on the tree does not fear the talons of the hawk.75uThe more you complain, the longer God lets you live.h4UThe more laws and order are made prominent, the more thieves and robbers there will be. -- Lao Tsu^3AThe mark of your ignorance is the depth of your belief in injustice and tragedy. What the caterpillar calls the end of the world, the master calls a butterfly. -- Messiah's Handbook : Reminders for the Advanced Soul?2The major sin is the sin of being born. -- Samuel Beckettf1QThe longest part of the journey is said to be the passing of the gate. -- Marcus Terentius VarroD0 The greatest griefs are those we cause ourselves. -- Sophocles :?The optimist thinks that this is the best of all possible worlds, and the pessimist knows it. -- J. Robert Oppenheimer, 'Bulletin of Atomic Scientists'o9cThe only happiness lies in reason; all the rest of the world is dismal. The highest reason, however, I see in the work of the artist, and he may experience it as such. Happiness lies in the swiftness of feeling and thinking: all the rest of the world is slow, gradual and stupid. Whoever could feel the course of a light ray would be very happy, for it is very swift. Thinking of oneself gives little happiness. If, however, one feels much happiness in this, it is because at bottom one is not thinking of oneself but of one's ideal. This is far, and only the swift shall reach it and are delighted. -- Nietzsche 9 <|9lC]The state of innocence contains the germs of all future sin. -- Alexandre Arnoux, 'Etudes et caprices'8BwThe soul would have no rainbow had the eyes no tears.!AIThe savior becomes the victim.r@iThe root of all superstition is that men observe when a thing hits, but not when it misses. -- Francis Bacons?kThe race is not always to the swift, nor the battle to the strong, but that's the way to bet. -- Damon RunyonG>The questions remain the same. The answers are eternally variable.F=The price of success in philosophy is triviality. -- C. Glymour.<The Poems, all three hundred of them, may be summed up in one of their phrases: 'Let our thoughts be correct'. -- Confuciusr;iYet creeds mean very little, Coth answered the dark god, still speaking almost gently. The optimist proclaims that we live in the best of all possible worlds; and the pessimist fears this is true. -- James Cabell, 'The Silver Stallion' i=Vi0KgThere are no winners in life, only survivors.IJThere are no accidents whatsoever in the universe. -- Baba Ram DassI!The world is your exercise-book, the pages on which you do your sums. It is not reality, although you can express reality there if you wish. You are also free to write nonsense, or lies, or to tear the pages. -- Messiah's Handbook : Reminders for the Advanced SoulYH7The truth you speak has no past and no future. It is, and that's all it needs to be.UG/The truth of a thing is the feel of it, not the think of it. -- Stanley KubrickIFThe truth is what is; what should be is a dirty lie. -- Lenny Bruce@EThe truth is rarely pure, and never simple. -- Oscar Wilde?DThe true way goes over a rope which is not stretched at any great height but just above the ground. It seems more designed to make people stumble than to be walked upon. -- Franz Kafka |1p3REThere's only one everything.xQuThere is nothing which cannot be answered by means of my doctrine,' said a monk, coming into a teahouse where Nasrudin sat. 'And yet just a short time ago, I was challenged by a scholar with an unanswerable question,' said Nasrudin. 'I could have answered it if I had been there.' 'Very well. He asked, 'Why are you breaking into my house in the middle of the night?'':P{There is no sin but ignorance. -- Christopher Marlowe`OEThere is no cure for birth and death other than to enjoy the interval. -- George Santayana[N;There is no comfort without pain; thus we define salvation through suffering. -- CatoHMThere is more to life than increasing its speed. -- Mahatma GandhiLThere are ten or twenty basic truths, and life is the process of discovering them over and over and over. -- David Nichols Q8sZkTruth never comes into the world but like a bastard, to the ignominy of him that brought her birth. -- Milton/YeTruth is hard to find and harder to obscure.\X=Truth has no special time of its own. Its hour is now -- always. -- Albert Schweitzer7WuTo lead people, you must follow behind. -- Lao TsuEVTo have died once is enough. -- Publius Vergilius Maro (Virgil)5UqTo give of yourself, you must first know yourself.-TaTo give happiness is to deserve happiness.|S}To get something clean, one has to get something dirty. To get something dirty, one does not have to get anything clean. 8[uTwo men came before Nasrudin when he was magistrate. The first man said, 'This man has bitten my ear -- I demand compensation.' The second man said, 'He bit it himself.' Nasrudin withdrew to his chambers, and spent an hour trying to bite his own ear. He succeeded only in falling over and bruising his forehead. Returning to the courtroom, Nasrudin pronounced, 'Examine the man whose ear was bitten. If his forehead is bruised, he did it himself and the case is dismissed. If his forehead is not bruised, the other man did it and must pay three silver pieces.' 9qNa!We have reason to be afraid. This is a terrible place. -- John Berrymans`kWe have only two things to worry about: That things will never get back to normal, and that they already have.I_We have nowhere else to go... this is all we have. -- Margaret Mead>^We can embody the truth, but we cannot know it. -- Yates8]wWaste not fresh tears over old griefs. -- EuripidesC\ Two men were sitting over coffee, contemplating the nature of things, with all due respect for their breakfast. 'I wonder why it is that toast always falls on the buttered side,' said one. 'Tell me,' replied his friend, 'why you say such a thing. Look at this.' And he dropped his toast on the floor, where it landed on the dry side. 'So, what have you to say for your theory now?' 'What am I to say? You obviously buttered the wrong side.'  C pdeWe're mortal -- which is to say, we're ignorant, stupid, and sinful -- but those are only handicaps. Our pride is that nevertheless, now and then, we do our best. A few times we succeed. What more dare we ask for? -- Ensign Flandry,c_We're all in this alone. -- Lily Tomlin9bwWe rarely find anyone who can say he has lived a happy life, and who, content with his life, can retire from the world like a satisfied guest. -- Quintus Horatius Flaccus (Horace) Og#Well, you know, no matter where you go, there you are. -- Buckaroo Banzai4fm Well, he thought, since neither Aristotelian Logic nor the disciplines of Science seemed to offer much hope, it's time to go beyond them... Drawing a few deep even breaths, he en9Oe#'We're not talking about the same thing,' he said. 'For you the world is weird because if you're not bored with it you're at odds with it. For me the world is weird because it is stupendous, awesome, mysterious, unfathomable; my interest has been to convince you that you must accept responsibility for being here, in this marvelous world, in this marvelous desert, in this marvelous time. I wanted to convince you that you must learn to make every act count, since you are going to be here for only a short while, in fact, too short for witnessing all the marvels of it.' -- Don Juantered a mental state practiced only by Masters of the Universal Way of Zen. In it his mind floated freely, able to rummage at will among the bits and pieces of data he had absorbed, undistracted by any outside disturbances. Logical structures no longer inhibited him. Pre-conceptions, prejudices, ordinary human standards vanished. All things, those previously trivial as well as those once thought important, became absolutely equal by acquiring an absolute value, revealing relationships not evident to ordinary vision. Like beads strung on a string of their own meaning, each thing pointed to its own common ground of existence, shared by all. Finally, each began to melt into each, staying itself while becoming all others. And Mind no longer contemplated Problem, but became Problem, destroying Subject-Object by becoming them. Time passed, unheeded. Eventually, there was a tentative stirring, then a decisive one, and Nakamura arose, a smile on his face and the light of laughter in his eyes. -- Wayfarer KRXSKOq#When the wind is great, bow before it; when the wind is heavy, yield to it.fpQWhen the speaker and he to whom he is speaks do not understand, that is metaphysics. -- VoltaireJoWhen it's dark enough you can see the stars. -- Ralph Waldo Emerson,_nCWhatever you do will be insignificant, but it is very important that you do it. -- GandhiVm1Whatever occurs from love is always beyond good and evil. -- Friedrich NietzscheGlWhat we Are is God's gift to us. What we Become is our gift to God.Uk/What sane person could live in this world and not be crazy? -- Ursula K. LeGuin]j?What makes the universe so hard to comprehend is that there's nothing to compare it with.?iWhat does not destroy me, makes me stronger. -- Nietzsche*hY'Well,' Brahma said, 'even after ten thousand explanations, a fool is no wiser, but an intelligent man requires only two thousand five hundred.' -- The Mahabharata. .K2vkWisdom is rarely found on the best-seller list.IuWisdom is knowing what to do with what you know. -- J. Winter Smith?tWho does not trust enough will not be trusted. -- Lao TsuRs)When you die, you lose a very important part of your life. -- Brooke ShieldsNr!When you are young, you enjoy a sustained illusion that sooner or later something marvelous is going to happen, that you are going to transcend your parents' limitations... At the same time, you feel sure that in all the wilderness of possibility; in all the forests of opinion, there is a vital something that can be known -- known and grasped. That we will eventually know it, and convert the whole mystery into a coherent narrative. So that then one's true life -- the point of everything -- will emerge from the mist into a pure light, into total comprehension. But it isn't like that at all. But if it isn't, where did the idea come from, to torture and unsettle us? -- Brian Aldiss, 'Helliconia Summer' XF1>XIYou can never tell which way the train went by looking at the tracks.C~ You can get *anywhere* in ten minutes if you drive fast enough.Q}'You can always pick up your needle and move to another groove. -- Tim LearyC| You are never given a wish without also being given the power to make it true. You may have to work for it, however. -- R. Bach, 'Messiah's Handbook : Reminders for the Advanced Soul'){YYes, but which self do you want to be?xzu Work Hard. Rock Hard. Eat Hard. Sleep Hard. Grow Big. Wear Glasses If You Need 'Em. -- The Webb Wilder Credoy1Wonder is the feeling of a philosopher, and philosophy begins in wonder. -- Socrates, quoting Plato [Huh? That's like Johnson quoting Boswell]9xyWith listening comes wisdom, with speaking repentance.{w{[Wisdom] is a tree of life to those laying hold of her, making happy each one holding her fast. -- Proverbs 3:18, NSV dm' }2dP %You have all eternity to be cautious in when you're dead. -- Lois Platfordx uYou climb to reach the summit, but once there, discover that all roads lead down. -- Stanislaw Lem, 'The Cyberiad'HYou can't take it with you -- especially when crossing a state line. 'You can't survive by sucking the juice from a wet mitten.' -- Charles Schulz, 'Things I've Had to Learn Over and Over and Over'%You can't run away forever, But there's nothing wrong with getting a good head start. -- Jim Steinman, 'Rock and Roll Dreams Come Through'CYou can't push on a string.?You can't mend a wristwatch while falling from an airplane.!IYou can't get there from here.C You can only live once, but if you do it right, once is enough.:{You can observe a lot just by watching. -- Yogi BerraS+You can no more win a war than you can win an earthquake. -- Jeannette Rankin j> You will always find something in the last place you look.Q ' 'You mean, if you allow the master to be uncivil, to treat you any old way he likes, and to insult your dignity, then he may deem you fit to hear his view of things?' 'Quite the contrary. You must defend your integrity, assuming you have integrity to defend. But you must defend it nobly, not by imitating his own low behavior. If you are gentle where he is rough, if you are polite where he is uncouth, then he will recognize you as potentially worthy. If he does not, then he is not a master, after all, and you may feel free to kick his ass.' -- Tom Robbins, 'Jitterbug Perfume' )You have to run as fast as you can just to stay where you are. If you want to get anywhere, you'll have to run much faster. -- Lewis Carroll ^^N!Your mind understands what you have been taught; your heart, what is true.;}Your happiness is intertwined with your outlook on life.#'You would do well not to imagine profundity,' he said. 'Anything that seems of momentous occasion should be dwelt upon as though it were of slight note. Conversely, trivialities must be attended to with the greatest of care. Because death is momentous, give it no thought; because victory is important, give it no thought; because the method of achievement and discovery is less momentous than the effect, dwell always upon the method. You will strengthen yourself in this way.' -- Jessica Salmonson, 'The Swordswoman' 5Vw-5P%We are governed not by armies and police but by ideas. -- Mona Caird, 1892Q'There is a secret person undamaged within every individual. -- Paul ShepardN!Freedom is what you do with what's been done to you. -- Jean-Paul SartreGThe universe is made of stories, not of atoms. -- Muriel Rukeyser[;You may be marching to the beat of a different drummer, but you're still in the parade.-aYour wig steers the gig. -- Lord BuckleyN!Your picture of the world often changes just before you get it into focus.&QYour only obligation in any lifetime is to be true to yourself. Being true to anyone else or anything else is not only impossible, but the mark of a fake messiah. The simplest questions are the most profound. Where were you born? Where is your home? Where are you going? What are you doing? Think about these once in awhile and watch your answers change. -- Messiah's Handbook : Reminders for the Advanced Soul r!!Q Free yourself from negative influence. Negative thoughts are the old habits that gnaw at the roots of the soul. Moses Shongo, (Seneca)LSell a country! Why not sell the air, the great sea, as well as the earth? Did not the Great Spirit make them all for the use of his children? Tecumseh, (Shawnee)#My reason tells me that land cannot be sold - nothing can be sold but such things as can be carried away. Black Hawk, (Saulk)jYNo people are all bad, just as none are all good. Tecumseh, (Shawnee) to his nephew Spemica Lawba 1790N!You must be the change you wish to see in the world. --Mahatma Gandhi The first rule of all intelligent tinkering is to keep all the parts. -- Aldo Leopold, quoted in Donald Wurster's 'Nature's Economy' $Fj:$#-The people rule.-"aI am what you will be; I was what you are.+!]The words fly away, the writings remain.* Y'Der bestirnte Himmel über mir und das moralische Gesetz in mir' that is 'The starry sky above me, and the Moral Law inside me.' - The epigraph on Kant's tombstone.6q...everything on this earth has a purpose, every disease an herb to cure it, and every person a mission. This is the Indian theory of existence. Mourning Dove, (Salish 1888-1936) QChaos is King and Magic is loose in the world./cAn ancient proverb summed it up: when a wizard is tired of looking for broken glass in his dinner, it ran, he is tired of life. -- Terry Pratchett, 'The Light Fantastic'%'A wizard cannot do everything; a fact most magicians are reticent to admit, let alone discuss with prospective clients. Still, the fact remains that there are certain objects, and people, that are, for one reason or another, completely immune to any direct magical spell. It is for this group of beings that the magician learns the subtleties of using indirect spells. It also does no harm, in dealing with these matters, to carry a large club near your person at all times.' -- The Teachings of Ebenezum, Volume VIIIhUA Thaum is the basic unit of magical strength. It has been universally established as the amount of magic needed to create one small white pigeon or three normal sized billPONMLKIH G F E y0PjQ }tablewisWtablefortunesfortunesCREATE TABLE fortunes(id INTEGER PRIMARY KEY, cooWtablefortunesfortunesCREATE TABLE fortunes(id INTEGER PRIMARY KEY, cookie TEXT)`##tabledefinitionsdefinitionsCREATE TABLE definitions(id INTEGER PRIMARY KEY, cookie TEXT)XtablepoliticspoliticsCREATE TABLE politics(id INTEGER PRIMARY KEY, cookie TEXT)[tablecomputerscomputersvCREATE TABLE computers(id INTEGER PRIMARY KEY, cookie TEXT)a##tabletranslatemetranslatemeCREATE TABLE translateme(id INTEGER PRIMARY KEY, cookie TEXT)XtablemedicinemedicineCREATE TABLE medicine(id INTEGER PRIMARY KEY, cookie TEXT)a##tablebofhexcusesbofhexcusesCREATE TABLE bofhexcuses(id INTEGER PRIMARY KEY, cookie TEXT)[tableeducationeducationCREATE TABLE education(id INTEGER PRIMARY KEY, cookie TEXT)Q }tablewisdomwisdomCREATE TABLE wisdom(id INTEGER PRIMARY KEY, cookie TEXT) P1iChaos is King and Magic is loose in the world./cAn ancient proverb summed it up: when a wizard is tired of looking for broken glass in his dinner, it ran, he is tired of life. -- Terry Pratchett, 'The Light Fantastic'%'A wizard cannot do everything; a fact most magicians are reticent to admit, let alone discuss with prospective clients. Still, the fact remains that there are certain objects, and people, that are, for one reason or another, completely immune to any direct magical spell. It is for this group of beings that the magician learns the subtleties of using indirect spells. It also does no harm, in dealing with these matters, to carry a large club near your person at all times.' -- The Teachings of Ebenezum, Volume VIIIhUA Thaum is the basic unit of magical strength. It has been universally established as the amount of magic needed to create one small white pigeon or three normal sized billiard balls. -- Terry Pratchett, 'The Light Fantastic' Pu oEight was also the Number of Bel-Shamharoth, which was why a sensible wizard would never mention the number if he could avoid it. Or you'll be eight alive, apprentices were jocularly warned. Bel-Shamharoth was especially attracted to dabblers in magic who, by being as it were beachcombers on the shores of the unnatural, were already half-enmeshed in his nets. Rincewind's room number in his hall of residence had been 7a. He hadn't been surprised. -- Terry Pratchett, 'The Sending of Eight'JDo what thou wilt shall be the whole of the Law. -- Aleister CrowleyY7'Do not meddle in the affairs of wizards, for you are crunchy and good with ketchup.'W3Do not throw cigarette butts in the urinal, for they are subtle and quick to anger.U/Do not meddle in the affairs of wizards, for they become soggy and hard to light. 1 g'How do you know she is a unicorn?' Molly demanded. 'And why were you afraid to let her touch you? I saw you. You were afraid of her.' 'I doubt that I will feel like talking for very long,' the cat replied without rancor. 'I would not waste time in foolishness if I were you. As to your first question, no cat out of its first fur can ever be deceived by appearances. Unlike human beings, who enjoy them. As for your second question --' Here he faltered, and suddenly became very interested in washing; nor would he speak until he had licked himself fluffy and then licked himself smooth again. Even then he would not look at Molly, but examined his claws. 'If she had touched me,' he said very softly, 'I would have been hers and not my own, not ever again.' -- Peter S. Beagle, 'The Last Unicorn' > It is a well known fact that warriors and wizards do not get along, because one side considers the other side to be a collection of bloodthirsty idiots who can't walk and think at the same time, while the other side is naturally suspicious of a body of men who mumble a lot and wear long dresses. Oh, say the wizards, if we're going to be like that, then, what about all those studded collars and oiled muscles down at the Young Men's Pagan Association? To which the heroes reply, that's a pretty good allegation from a bunch of wimpsoes who won't go near a woman on account, can you believe it, of their mystical power being sort of drained out. Right, say the wizards, that just about does it, you and your leather posing pouches. Oh yeah, say the the heroes, why don't you ... -- Terry Pratchett, 'The Light Fantastic' HM0eRincewind had generally been considered by his tutors to be a natural wizard in the same way that fish are natural mountaineers. He probably would have been thrown out of Unseen University anyway--he couldn't remember spells and smoking made him feel ill. -- Terry Pratchett, 'The Light Fantastic'cKNo matter how subtle the wizard, a knife in the shoulder blades will seriously cramp his style.C Magic is always the best solution -- especially reliable magic.O#Knowledge is power -- knowledge shared is power lost. -- Aleister CrowleyC  It seems there's this magician working one of the luxury cruise ships for a few years. He doesn't have to change his routines much as the audiences change over fairly often, and he's got a goodJg SIt is well known that *things* from undesirable universes are always seeking an entrance into this one, which is the psychic equivalent of handy for the buses and closer to the shops. -- Terry Pratchett, 'The Light Fantastic' life. The only problem is the ship's parrot, who perches in the hall and watches him night after night, year after year. Finally, the parrot figures out how almost every trick works and starts giving it away for the audience. For example, when the magician makes a bouquet of flowers disappear, the parrot squawks 'Behind his back! Behind his back!' Well, the magician is really annoyed at this, but there's not much he can do about it as the parrot is a ship's mascot and very popular with the passengers. One night, the ship strikes some floating debris, and sinks without a trace. Almost everyone aboard was lost, except for the magician and the parrot. For three days and nights they just drift, with the magician clinging to one end of a piece of driftwood and the parrot perched on the other end. As the sun rises on the morning of the fourth day, the parrot walks over to the magician's end of the log. With obvious disgust in his voice, he snaps 'OK, you win, I give up. Where did you hide the ship?' ./'The first rule of magic is simple. Don't waste your time waving your hands and hoping when a rock or a club will do.' -- McCloctnik the Lucid'The default Magic Word, 'Abracadabra', actually is a corruption of the Hebrew phrase 'ha-Bracha dab'ra' which means 'pronounce the blessing'.<Somewhere, just out of sight, the unicorns are gathering. //N! The seven eyes of Ningauble the Wizard floated back to his hood as he reported to Fafhrd: 'I have seen much, yet cannot explain all. The Gray Mouser is exactly twenty-five feet below the deepest cellar in the palace of Gilpkerio Kistomerces. Even though twenty-four parts in twenty-five of him are dead, he is alive. 'Now about Lankhmar. She's been invaded, her walls breached everywhere and desperate fighting is going on in the streets, by a fierce host which out-numbers Lankhamar's inhabitants by fifty to one -- and equipped with all modern weapons. Yet you can save the city.' 'How?' demanded Fafhrd. Ningauble shrugged. 'You're a hero. You should know.' -- Fritz Leiber, 'The Swords of Lankhmar' cc'There are those who claim that magic is like the tide; that it swells and fades over the surface of the earth, collecting in concentrated pools here and there, almost disappearing from other spots, leaving them parched for wonder. There are also those who believe that if you stick your fingers up your nose and blow, it will increase your intelligence. -- The Teachings of Ebenezum, Volume VII 'Then what is magic for?' Prince Lir demanded wildly. 'What use is wizardry if it cannot save a unicorn?' He gripped the magician's shoulder hard, to keep from falling. Schmendrick did not turn his head. With a touch of sad mockery in his voice, he said, 'That's what heroes are for.' ... 'Yes, of course,' he [Prince Lir] said. 'That is exactly what heroes are for. Wizards make no difference, so they say that nothing does, but heroes are meant to die for unicorns.' -- Peter Beagle, 'The Last Unicorn' uuaGUsing words to describe magic is like using a screwdriver to cut roast beef. -- Tom Robbins%OUnseen University had never admitted women, muttering something about problems with the plumbing, but the real reason was an unspoken dread that if women were allowed to mess around with magic they would probably be embarrassingly good at it ... -- Terry Pratchett, 'The Light Fantastic' 88E 'Verily and forsooth,' replied Goodgulf darkly. 'In the past year strange and fearful wonders I have seen. Fields sown with barley reap crabgrass and fungus, and even small gardens reject their artichoke hearts. There has been a hot day in December and a blue moon. Calendars are made with a month of Sundays and a blue-ribbon Holstein bore alive two insurance salesmen. The earth splits and the entrails of a goat were found tied in square knots. The face of the sun blackens and the skies have rained down soggy potato chips.' 'But what do all these things mean?' gasped Frito. 'Beats me,' said Goodgulf with a shrug, 'but I thought it made good copy.' -- Harvard Lampoon, 'Bored of the Rings' &m&EWhat is a magician but a practising theorist? -- Obi-Wan Kenobi%Watch Rincewind. Look at him. Scrawny, like most wizards, and clad in a dark red robe on which a few mystic sigils were embroidered in tarnished sequins. Some might have taken him for a mere apprentice enchanter who had run away from his master out of defiance, boredom, fear and a lingering taste for heterosexuality. Yet around his neck was a chain bearing the bronze octagon that marked him as an alumnus of Unseen University, the high school of magic whose time-and-space transcendent campus is never precisely Here or There. Graduates were usually destined for mageship at least, but Rincewind--after an unfortunate event--had left knowing only one spell and made a living of sorts around the town by capitalizing on an innate gift for languages. He avoided work as a rule, but had a quickness of wit that put his acquaintances in mind of a bright rodent. -- Terry Pratchett, 'The Colour of Magic' Z9What use is magic if it can't save a unicorn? -- Peter S. Beagle, 'The Last Unicorn'g|vpjd^XRLF@:4.(" ztnhb\VPJD>82,& /cI never thought that I'd see the day where Netscape is free s$!  zsmkjfb^ZVRMG?:50+%  {unjd`\XSOHD?91,'$ zv~r}m|f{`zWyRxLwEv?u9t4s.r&q!ponm lk~jxiqhlggf`eZdTcMbJaF`@_:^4]+\%[ZYXWV U T qq{_SN {tablemagicmagicCCREATE TABLE magic(id INTEGER PRIMARY KEY, cookie TEXT)N {tablemagicmagicCCREATE TABLE magic(id INTEGER PRIMARY KEY, cookie TEXT)X tableknghtbrdknghtbrdRCREATE TABLE knghtbrd(id INTEGER PRIMARY KEY, cookie TEXT)^ !!tableplatitudesplatitudesCREATE TABLE platitudes(id INTEGER PRIMARY KEY, cookie TEXT)K ytablepetspetsCREATE TABLE pets(id INTEGER PRIMARY KEY, cookie TEXT)KytablenewsnewsCREATE TABLE news(id INTEGER PRIMARY KEY, cookie TEXT)HwtabletaotaoCREATE TABLE tao(id INTEGER PRIMARY KEY, cookie TEXT)Hwtablelawlaw/CREATE TABLE law(id INTEGER PRIMARY KEY, cookie TEXT)KytableperlperlsCREATE TABLE perl(id INTEGER PRIMARY KEY, cookie TEXT)[tableosfortuneosfortuneCREATE TABLE osfortune(id INTEGER PRIMARY KEY, cookie TEXT)KytablefoodfoodCREATE TABLE food(id INTEGER PRIMARY KEY, cookie TEXT)^!!tableliteratureliteratureCREATE TABLE literature(id INTEGER PRIMARY KEY, cookie TEXT) jtj/cI never thought that I'd see the day where Netscape is free software and X11 is proprietary. We live in interesting times. -- Matt Kimball V1 abuse me. I'm so lame I sent a bug report to debian-devel-changesws need help: my first packet to my provider gets lost :-( sel: dont send the first one, start with #2+[* james would be more impressed if netgod's magic powers could stop the splits in the first place... * netgod notes debian developers are notoriously hard to impresscK* SynrG notes that the number of configuration questions to answer in sendmail is NON-TRIVIAL Lyo cWriting non-free software is not an ethically legitimate activity, so if people who do this run into trouble, that's good! All businesses based on non-free software ought to fail, and the sooner the better. -- Richard StallmanP% partycle: I seriously do need a vacation from this package. I actually had a DREAM about introducing a stupid new bug into xbase-preinst last night. That's a Bad Sign.C Being overloaded is the sign of a true Debian maintainer.l] Lemme make sure I'm not wasting time here... bcwhite will remove pkgs that havent been fixed that have outstanding bugs of severity 'important'. True or false? jim: 'important' or higher. True. Then we're about to lose ftp.debian.org and dpkg :) * netgod will miss dpkg -- it was occasionally useful We still have rpm.... ;8 uWe the people of the Debian GNU/Linux distribution, in order to form a more perfect operating system, establish quality, insure marketplace diversity, provide for the common needs of computer users, promote security and privacy, overthrow monopolistic forces in the computer software industry, and secure the blessings of liberty to ourselves and our posterity, do ordain and establish this Constitution for the Debian GNU/Linux System.7 s* dpkg hands stu a huge glass of vbeer * Joey takes the beer from stu, you're too young ;) * Cylord takes the beer from Joey, you're too drunk. * Cylord gives the beer to muggles.B  Microsoft DNS service terminates abnormally when it recieves a response to a DNS query that was never made. Fix Information: Run your DNS service on a different platform. -- BugTraq ]]D ... Where was Stac Electronics when Microsoft invented Doublespace? Where were Xerox and Apple when Microsoft invented the GUI? Where was Apple's QuickTime when Microsoft invented Video for Windows? Where was Spyglass Inc.'s Mosaic when Microsoft invented Internet Explorer? Where was Sun when Microsoft invented Java?$MWhile the year 2000 (y2k) problem is not an issue for us, all Linux implementations will impacted by the year 2038 (y2.038k) issue. The Debian Project is committed to working with the industry on this issue and we will have our full plans and strategy posted by the first quarter of 2020.2 i'This is the element_data structure for elements whose *element_type = FORM_TYPE_SELECT_ONE, FORM_TYPE_SELECT_MULT. */ /* * nesting deeper and deeper, harder and harder, go, go, oh, OH, OHHHHH!! * Sorry, got carried away there. */ struct lo_FormElementOptionData_struct.' -- Mozilla source code ynhyl] 'Lord grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to hide the bodies of the people I had to kill because they pissed me off.' 'slackware users don't matter. in my experience, slackware users are either clueless newbies who will have trouble even with tar, or they are rabid do-it-yourselfers who wouldn't install someone else's pre-compiled binary even if they were paid to do it.'''my biggest problem with RH (and especially RH contrib packages) is that they DON'T have anything like our policy. That's one of the main reasons why their packages are so crappy and broken. Debian has the teamwork side of building a distribution down to a fine art.'|}I'm sorry if the following sounds combative and excessively personal, but that's my general style. -- Ian Jackson ^AI sat laughing snidely into my notebook until they showed me a PC running Linux.... And did this PC choke? Did it stutter? Did it, even once, say that this program has performed an illegal operation and must be shut down? No. And this is just on the client. -- LAN TimesgSI sat laughing snidely into my notebook until they showed me a PC running Linux. And oh! It was as though the heavens opened and God handed down a client-side OS so beautiful, so graceful, and so elegant that a million Microsoft developers couldn't have invented it even if they had a hundred years and a thousand crates of Jolt cola. -- LAN TimesC* dark has changed the topic on channel #debian to: Later tonight: After months of careful refrigeration, Debian 2.0 is finally cool enough to release. g2gH'and i actually like debian 2.0 that much i completely revamped the default config of the linux systems our company sells and reinstalled any of the linux systems in the office and here at home..' you should be afraid to use KDE because RMS might come to your house and cleave your monitor with an axe or something :)9y* Culus fears perl - the language with optional errors5'Actually, the only distribution of Linux I've ever used that passed the rootshell test out of the box (hit rootshell at the time the dist is released and see if you can break the OS with scripts from there) is Debian.' -- seen on the Linux security-audit mailing listjY'I think that most debian developers are rather 'strong willed' people with a great degree of understanding and a high level of passion for what they perceive as important in development of the debian system.' --Bill Leach tmNEW YORK (CNN) -- Internet users who spend even a few hours a week online at home experience higher levels of depression and loneliness than if they had used the computer network less frequently, The New York Times reported Sunday. The result ... surprised both researchers and sponsors, which included Intel Corp., Hewlett Packard, AT&T Research and Apple Computer.? Don't come crying to me about your '30 minute compiles'!! I have to build X uphill both ways! In the snow! With bare feet! And we didn't have compilers! We had to translate the C code to mnemonics OURSELVES! And I was 18 before we even had assemblers!9w 'Let's form the Linux Standard Linux Standardization Association Board. The purpose of this board will be to standardize Linux Standardization Organizations.'m_ how bout a policy policing policy with a policy for changing the police policing policy 6%s there is 150 meg in the /tmp dir! DEAR LORDA$ 'NT 5.0. All the bugs and ten times the code size!'#1 netgod: I also have a 'Evil Inside' T-shirt (w/ Intel logo).. on the back it states: 'When the rapture comes, will you have root?'2"k can I write a unix-like kernel in perl? !Debian Linux is a solid, comprehensive product, and a genuine pleasure to use. It is also great to become involved with the Debian collective, whose friendliness and spirit recalls the early days of the Internet and its sense of openness and global cooperation.# K'What is striking, however, is the general layout and integration of the system. Debian is a truly elegant Linux distribution; great care has been taken in the preparation of packages and their placement within the system. The sheer number of packages available is also impressive....' .G.u+oWorld Domination, of course. And scantily clad females. Who cares if its twenty below? -- Linus Torvalds5*o'...It was a lot faster than I thought it was going to be, much faster than NT. If further speed increases are done to the server for the final release, Oracle is going to be able to wipe their ass with SQL SERVER and hand it back to M$ while the Oracle admins ... migrate their databases over to Linux!'h)U* boren tosses matlab across the room and hopes it breaks into a number aproaching infinite peices\(= netgod: My calculator has more registers than the x86, and -thats- sads'kNow I can finally explain to everyone why I do this. I just got $7 worth of free stuff for working on Debian !c&K netgod: what do you have in your kernel??? The compiled source for driving a space shuttle??? time to make a zip drive your floppy drive then. if the kernel doesn fit on that, the kernel is an AI (eh;(d4M if macOS is for the computer illiterate, then windoze is for the computer masochistss3k* Twilight1 will have to hang his Mozilla beanie dinosaur in effigy if Netscape sells-out to Alot Of Losers..62s does Johnie Ingram hang out here on IRC?+1] we're calling 2.2 _POTATO_??B0 Fuck, I can't compile the damn thing and I wrote it !//c'In the event of a percieved failing of the project leadership #debian is empowered to take drastic and descisive action to correct the failing, including by not limited to expelling officials, apointing new officials and generally abusing power' -- proposed amendment to Debian Constitution. 'Hey, I'm from this project called Debian... have you heard of it? Your name seems to be on a bunch of our stuff.'J- it's amazing how 'not-broken' debian is compared to slack and rhM, Win 98 Psychic edition: We'll tell you where you're going tomorrow _u~:This is the solution to Debian's problem .. and since the only real way to create more relatives of developers is to have children, we need more sex! It's a long term investment ... it's the work itself that is satisfying! -- Craig Brozefsky69q'I wonder if this is the first constitution in the history of mankind where you have to calculate a square root to determine if a motion passes. :-)' -- Seen on Slashdot8; Ben: Do you solumly swear to read you debian email once a day and do not permit people to think you are MIA? Culus: i do so swearx7u Somehow I have more respect for 14 year old Debian developers than 14 year old Certified Microsoft Serfs.n6aI can just see it now: nomination-terrorism ;-) -- Manoj haha! i nominate manoj. -- seeS5A Culus: Building a five-meter-high replica of the Empire State Building with paperclips is impressive. Doing it blindfolded is eleet. oZ":oH@ apt: !bugs !bugs are stupid apt: are stupid? what's that? dpkg: i don't know apt: Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder... i already had it that way, dpkg. ?E Studies prove that research causes cancer in 43% of laboratory rats knghtbrd- yeah, but 78% of those statistics are off by 52%...C> AIX - the Unix from the universe where Spock has a beard."=I xhost +localhost should only be done by people who would paint their hostname and root password on an interstate overpass.<% 'Hello?' 'Hi baybee' 'Are you Johnie Ingram?' 'For you I'll be anyone' 'Ermm.. Do you sell slink CD's?' 'I love slinkies'#;K dunham: You know how real numbers are constructed from rational numbers by equivalence classes of convergent sequences? marcus: yes. 72]7F cerb: we subscribed you to debian-fight as the moderator cerb: list rules are, 1) no nice emails, 2) no apologiesFEMost of us feel that marketing types are like a dangerous weapon - keep 'em unloaded and locked up in a cupboard, and only bring them out when you need them to do a job. -- Craig SandersTD-The purpose of having mailing lists rather than having newsgroups is to place a barrier to entry which protects the lists and their users from invasion by the general uneducated hordes. -- Ian JacksonC1How many months are we going to be behind them [Redhat] with a glibc release?' -- Jim Pick, 8 months before Debian 2.0 is finally released:B{ Debian - All the power, without the silly hat.KA i'm trying to convince some netcom admins i know to convert to Debian from RH, netgod, but they are DAMN stubborn why RH users so damned hard headed? it's the hat PJ% by the power of greyskull someone tell me the ban to place mrcurious: *.debian.org, *.novare.net *.debian.org. that's awesome. -- Seen on LinuxNet #linuxWI3 it has been said that redhat is the thing Marc Ewing wears on his head.sHk Thunder-: when you get { MessagesLikeThisFromYourHardDrive } Thunder-: it either means { TheDriverIsScrewy } or { YourDriveIsFlakingOut BackUpYourDataBeforeIt'sTooLate PrayToGod }oGc our local telco has admitted that someone 'backed into a button on a switch' and took the entire ATM network down hopefully now routers are designed better, so the 'network off' swtich is on the back mM_ Would it be acceptable to debian policy if we inserted a crontab by default into potato that emailed bill.gates@microsoft.com every morning with an email that read, 'Don't worry, linux is a fad...'dLM'Bruce McKinney, author of of Hardcore Visual Basic, has announced that he's fed up with VB and won't be writing a 3rd edition of his book. The best quote is at the end: 'I don't need a language designed by a focus group'.'7Ks'What does this tell me? That if Microsoft were the last software company left in the world, 13% of the US population would be scouring garage sales & Goodwill for old TRS-80s, CPM machines & Apple ]['s before they would buy Microsoft. That's not exactly a ringing endorsement.' -- Seen on Slashdot %E(%T OH MY GOD NOT A RANDOM QUOTE GENERATOR surely you didnt think that was static? how lame would that be? :-)DS anyone around? no, we're all irregular polygons:R{<_Anarchy_> Argh.. who's handing out the paper bags 8)Q/ netgod: er, are these 2.2.0 packages 2.0.0pre9 or do you have a direct line with the gods? joeyh: i have the direct lineP Since when has the purpose of debian been to appease the interests of the mass of unskilled consumers? -- Steve ShorterJO It is important to note that the primary reason the Roman Empire fail is that they had no concept of zero... thus they could not test the success or failure of their C programs.kN[* Overfiend ponders doing an NMU of asclock, in which he simply changes the extended description to 'If you bend over and put your head between your legs, you can read the time off your assclock.' Overfiend: go to bed. W|Z}acme-cannon (3.1415) unstable; urgency=low * Added safety to prevent operator dismemberment, closes: bug #98765, bug #98713, #98714. * Added manpage. closes: #98725. -- Wile E. Coyote Sun, 31 Jan 1999 07:49:57 -0600@Y anyone know if there is a version of dpkg for redhat?$XM [ ] DOGBERT [ 2 ] RICHARD STALLMAN [ 3 ] BUFFY SUMMERS [ 1 ] MANOJ SRIVASTAVA [ 4 ] NONE of the above -- Debian Project Leader 1999 ballotWE I *like* the chickenV% gcc is the best compressor ever ported to linux. it can turn 12MB of kernel source (and that's .debbed) into a 500k kernel&UQMere nonexistence is a feeble excuse for declaring a thing unseeable. You *can* see dragons. You just have to look in the right direction. -- John Hasler NUpB` Saens demonstrates no less than 3 tcp/ip bugs in 2.2.3_) you people are all insane. knight: sure, that's why we work on Debian. Knghtbrd: get in touch with your inner nutcase.n^a 'Yes, your honour, I have RSA encryption code tattood on my penis. Shall I show the jury?'s]k* Culus thinks we should go to trade shows and see how many people we can kill by throwing debian cds at themv\q* dark greets liw with a small yellow frog. * liw kisses the frog and watches it transform to a beautiful nerd girl, takes her out to ice cream, and lives happily forever after with her liw: Umm it's too late to have the frog back?/[c!netgod:*! time flies when youre using linux !doogie:*! yeah, infinite loops in 5 seconds. !Teknix:*! has anyone re-tested that with 2.2.x ? !netgod:*! yeah, 4 seconds now IrGIXg510) there is no 10, but it sounded like a nice number :) -- Wichert Akkerman@fThe software required Win95 or better, so I installed Linux.`eEI did it just to piss you off. :-P -- Branden Robinson in a message to debian-devel^dA Knghtbrd: We have lots of whatevers. dark - In Debian? Hell yeah we do!KcSoftware is like sex, it's better when it's free. -- Linus Torvalds|b} dark: caldera? rcw - that's not a distribution, it's a curse Knghtbrd: it's a cursed distribution a alexsh: Be /VERY/ cairful, you could, if your unlucky, fry your motherboards.. Mercury - sounds like fun >x>`lEWe all know Linux is great... it does infinite loops in 5 seconds. -- Linus Torvalds(kUIf we want something nice to get born in nine months, then sex has to happen. We want to have the kind of sex that is acceptable and fun for both people, not the kind where someone is getting screwed. Let's get some cross fertilization, but not someone getting screwed. -- Larry Wall*jYPersonally, I don't often talk about social good because when I hear other people talk about social good, that's when I reach for my revolver. -- Eric Raymond:i{I'm not a level-headed person... -- Bruce PerensIhEric Raymond: I want to live in a world where software doesn't suck. Richard Stallman: Any software that isn't free sucks. Linus Torvalds: I'm interested in free beer. Richard Stallman: That's okay, as long as I don't have to drink it. I don't like beer. -- LinuxWorld Expo panel, 4 March 1999 CBTCq!Every company complaining about Microsoft's business practices is simply a rose bush. They look lovely and smell nice. Once a lucky company dethrones Microsoft they will shed their petals to expose the thorns underneath. A thorn by any other name would hurt as much. pp.s. - i'm about *this* close to running around in the server room with a pair of bolt cutters, and a large wooden mallet, laughing like a maniac and cutting everything i can fit the bolt cutters around. and whacking that which i cannot. so if i seem semi-incoherent, or just really *really* nasty at times, please forgive me. stress is not a pretty thing. };P -- Phillip R. Jaenke`oE hmm, lunch does sound like a good idea would taste like a good idea toofnQ If I start writing essays about Free Software for slashdot, please shoot me.Tm-YES! YES! YES! Oh, YES! (ooops, I sound like Meg Ryan ;-) -- Ian Nandhra G:x{* lilo hereby declares OPN a virtual pain in the ass :);w{Gold, n.: A soft malleable metal relatively scarce in distribution. It is mined deep in the earth by poor men who then give it to rich men who immediately bury it back in the earth in great prisons, although gold hasn't done anything to them. -- Mike Harding, 'The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac'!vG red dye causes cancer, haven't you heard? (; fucking everything causes cancer, haven't you heard? => no, that causes aidsSu+Never underestimate the power of human stupidity. -- Robert A. HeinleinJtIndifference will certainly be the downfall of mankind, but who cares?Gs xtifr - beware of james when he's off his medication =>nraSomething must be Done This is Something Therefore, This must be Done -- The Thatcherite Syllogism 4oX4u~o* Caytln slaps Lisa catfight :P Watch it girl, I like that. :) figures :Dl}]California, n.: From Latin 'calor', meaning 'heat' (as in English 'calorie' or Spanish 'caliente'); and 'fornia'' for 'sexual intercourse' or 'fornication.' Hence: Tierra de California, 'the land of hot sex.' -- Ed MoranI| conning the most intellegent people on the planet is not easyq{g* Simunye is so happy she has her mothers gene's you better give them back before she misses them!z-'You have the right not to be an asshole. If you give up that right everything you say and do in here will be held against you. If you cannot afford to stop being an asshole then someone will be appointed to kick yours outta here.' -- Your rights as an irc addicty!'They are both businesses - if you have given them enough money, I'm sure they'll do whatever the hell you ask:->' -- David Welton t!cK* Turken thinks little kids are absolutely adorable... especialyy when they're someone elses.O# 'The currency collectors are offline.' 'I'm rerouting though the secondary couplings. If we re-align the phase manifold we should be able to use the plasma inductor matrix to manually launch a new cheesy spinoff series.' * ShadwDrgn sighs you leave my manifolds alone !'SThe X Window System: The standard UNIX graphical environment. With Linux, this is usually XFree86 (http://www.xfree86.org). You may call it X, XFree, the X Window System, XF86, or a host of other things. Call it 'XWindows' and someone will smack you and you will have deserved it._C rit/ara: There's something really demented about UNIX underwear... =TRG= 5 Ctrl+Option+Command + P + R dracus - YE GODS! That's worse than EMACS! hehehehe don't ask what that does :Pk[I have also been a huge Unix fan ever since I realized that SCO was not Unix. -- Dennis Baker) doogie: you sound highly unstable :-) jgoerzen - he is. * doogie bops Knghtbrd see? Resorting to violence =Dri* Knghtbrd unleashes a pair of double barreled snurf guns and covers jesus with snurf darts meany :Pqg Oxymorons? I saw one yesterday - the pamphlet on 'Taco Bell Nutritional Information'  media ethics is an oxymoron, much like Jumbo Shrimp and Microsoft Works. not to mention NT Security(U* Overfiend sighs Netscape sucks. It is a house of cards resting on a bed of quicksand. during an earthquake in a tornado v_ Fv:{'Now we'll have to kill you.' -- Linus Torvalds# Feanor - license issues are important. If we don't watch our arses now, someone's gonna come up and bite us later...Z9 'PLEASE RESPECT INTELLECTUAL RIGHTS!' 'Please demonstrate intellect.' ;)fQAnyone who stands out in the middle of a road looks like roadkill to me. -- Linus TorvaldsP% Feanor: u have no idea of the depth of the stupidty of american lawX 5 Kira: JOIN THE DARK SIDE, YOUNG ONE. darth, I *am* the dark side.8 w hmm, is there a --now-dammit option for exim?' S* aj thinks Kb^Zzz ought to pick different things to dream about than general resolutions and policy changes. aj - tell me about it, this is a Bad Sign] ? you are not a nutcase You obviously don't know me well enough yet. => nx(=n} Athena Desktop Environment! In your hearts, you *know* it's the right choice! :) * Knghtbrd THWAPS xtifrL is a surgical war where you go give the foreign troops nose jobs?= Europe Passes Pro-spam Law I though only Americans were that fucking stupid => apparently americans are quite naive :)H !seen god LauraDax, I don't remember seeing 'god'L heh thats a lost cause, like the correct pronounciation of 'jewelry' give it up :-) and the correct spelling of 'colour' :) heh and aluminium or nuclear weapons are you threating me yankee ? just cause we don't have the bomb... back off ya yellow belly * knghtbrd can already envision: 'Subject: [INTENT TO PREPARE TO PROPOSE FILING OF BUG REPORT] Typos in the policy document' ? damn, the autonomous mouse movement starts usually after I use a mouse button don't use a mouse button then :) yeah, right :)%O Overfiend - BTW, after we've discovered X takes all of 1.4 GIGS to build, are you willing admit that X is bloatware? => KB: there is a 16 1/2 minute gap in my answer knghtbrd: evidence exists that X is only the *2nd* worst windowing system ;) E direct brain implants :) xtifr - yah, then using computers would actually require some of these idiots to think! ;>} shaleh - unclean is just WEIRD. heh, unclean is cool Espy - and weird. yes, weird too 87!u Leave it to manoj to call procmail 'puny'` E* m2 stares at the monitor... it looks like a hamburger... m2 - that's a bad signC There are worse things than Perl....ASP comes to mindpe Yeah, well that's why it's numbered 2.3.1... it's for those of us who miss NT-like uptimesD you know, Linux needs a platform game starring Tux kinda Super Marioish, but with Tux and things like little cyber bugs and borgs and that sort of thing ... And you have to jump past billgatus and hit the key to drop him into the lava and then you see some guy that looks like a RMS or someone say 'Thank you for rescuing me Tux, but Linus Torvalds is in another castle!' 3l3L& RMS for President??? ...or ESR, he wants a new job ;)"%I no... I musn't have any more coffee !!! ;) sure yu do Phase :) you really want me bouncing off the ceiling? yesh :) bouncing off the ceiling is gewd ok, that was a silly question it's splatting on the floor that's the problem.@$ -include ../../debian/el33t.h sendmail build...strange header name :) hahaha * netgod laffs BenC: can u tell i used to maintain sendmail? :P heh :)I# Ada, the only language written to milspec. D" Manoj: well, i cant understand stuff like 's/3#$%^% {]][ @ f245 }' Crow: That is not quite legal ;-) Manoj - how would one make 's/3#$%^% {]][ @ f245 }' legal anyway? (and what would it do? hehe) Knghtbrd: You need to finish the s/// expression. oh, is that all? .)~c.K Will LINUX ever overtake sliced bread as the #1 achievement of mankind?G- I hate users you sound like a sysadmin already!^,A hardcopy is for wussies computer program listings....next, on HardCopy?+ I had a friend stick me in her closet during highschool beacuse I wouldn't believe that her boyfriend knew about foreplay... I shoulda brought popcorn. :)?*I am dyslexic of Borg. Prepare to have your ass laminated.^)A tomorrow there will be a great disturbance in the workforce -- May 18, 1999:(y Granted, RMS is a fanatic, I don't deny this. I'll even say he's a royal pain in the arse most of the time. But he's still more often right than not, and he deserves some level of credit and respect for his work. We would NOT be here today without him.0'gOh no, not again. -- Manoj Srivastava ApAn4a* wichert_ imagines master without a MTA wichert: ehm? that might hinder peformance of the BTS :p43mBasically, I want people to know that when they use binary-only modules, it's THEIR problem. I want people to know that in their bones, and I want it shouted out from the rooftops. I want people to wake up in a cold sweat every once in a while if they use binary-only modules. -- Linus Torvalds 2E lilo: well then, you are probably a responsible thinker. Welcome to a very small club. Overfiend: welcome me when you join :)U1/* Simunye is on a oc3->oc12 simmy: bite me. :) daemon: okay :)0 those apparently-bacteria-like multicolor worms coming out of microsoft's backorifice that's the backoffice logo / manoj is going nuts on the bug fixing crusade! woo woo! manoj went nuts long time ago. but the bug fixing is cool => $>x$Q9' my US geograpy is lousy...lol so's mine and I live hereK8 I can think of lots of people who need USER=ID10T someplace!t7m> >I don't really regard bible-kjv-text as a technical document, > > but... :) > It's a manual -- for living. But it hasn't been updated in a long time, many would say that it's sadly out of date, and the upstream maintainer doesn't respond to his email. :-) -- Branden Robinson, Oliver Elphick, and Chris Waters in a message to debian-policy46mDue to the closed source development model of XFree it is impossible to support, or even speculate about, features in pre- or beta releases of XFree. -- Marcus Sundberg5 Hmm... I wonder what else seperates Debian from the rest of the Linux distributions. gecko - We Don't Suck Knghtbrd: you don't say that when addressing a bunch of people FROM those distros gecko - point. " ? uh oh, what have I started :) rofl... distro nick wars. * Slackware just waits for /nick Gnome, /nick KDE, and then world war 4 to break out :oP :) no'one would dare /nick RedHat mew.->a anyone seen my 80 column card?=!Last time I had intimate contact with another human being was rather a painful experience... I rather liked it... ;) -- Brett Manz< If we're both right (I'm guessing we are) I'm Not Very Happy. * Minupla hands you the understatement of the year award.~; I really don't want much at all... Just a kind word, an attractive woman, and UNLIMITED BANDWIDTH!!Z:9Moonchild without an opinion? Satan is skating to work tomorrow! -- Brett Manz  !G%EO dhd: R you part of the secret debian overstructure? no. there is no secret debian overstructure. although, now that somebody brought it up, let's start one :-) CosmicRay - why not, sounds like a fun way to spend the afternoon =DpDe* woot smiles serenely. I don't want to seem over eager about getting into knghtbrd's siglist.dCM americans are wierd.... californians even weirder xtifr has a point ...B; RoboHak - okay, the patch isn't broken, but my brain apparently is that's nothing new (; wc - hush. =>GA aggh! MAKE IT STOP! MAKE IT STOP!!r@i im fcucking druk * Knghtbrd makes sure to log everything Crow- says tonight ... heheh He said he'd marry me! damnit!! dude no way MrBump - he's not THAT drunk Knghtbrd: I'm crushed :o) Q^}PQL/ kb: I demand integrity and honesty in those who i do business with i know my demands are unreasonable, but a guy can dream, can't he?cKK0 7 * * * echo '...Linux is just a fad' | mail billg@microsoft.com -s= 'And remember...'*J[do { : } while (!HELL_FROZEN_OVER);I?2.3.1 has been released. Folks new to this game should remember that 2.3.* releases are development kernels, with no guarantees that they will not cause your system to do horrible things like corrupt its disks, catch fire, or start running Mindcraft benchmarks. -- SlashdotcHK* o-o always like debmake because he knew exactly what it would do... o-o: you would ;-)WG3 you don't have to be insane to work here....oh wait, yes you do! :)FA these stupid head hunters want resumes in ms word format can you write shit in tex and convert it to word? converttoword{shit} *PJ*(RU'As you journey through life take a minute every now and then to give a thought for the other fellow. He could be plotting something.' -- Hagar the HorribleqQg Put *that* in you .sig and smoke it, Knghtbrd. You know he will read this :> heheheheh.HP Subject: [GR PROPOSAL] Should we vote on trivial matters?LO* Knghtktty is not going to ask how zucchini got into the discussion ...iNWKlingon function calls do not have 'parameters' -- they have 'arguments' -- and they ALWAYS WIN THEM.,M] stu: ahh that machine. Don't you think that something named stallman deserves to be an Alpha? :-) jgoerzen: no, actually, I'd prolly be more inclined to name a 386 with 4 megs of ram and a 40 meg hard drive stallman. with a big fat case that makes tons of noise and rattles the floor * Knghtbrd falls to the floor holding his sides laughing and.. double-height hard drive ttW;> > But IANAL, of course. > > IANAL either. My son is, but if I asked him I might get an answer I > wouldn't want to hear. 'Here's my invoice.' ? =DV mariab - I am a Debian developer. Red Hat is 'the enemy' or something like that I guess.. Still, typecasting RH users as idiots or their distribution as completely broken by default is complete and total FUD.)UW mariab - don't think Debian hasn't had some very stupid and obvious bugs before of course, we usually fix ours BEFORE we release =DkT[ Okay, you people have started talking about BSDM applications of network hardware... I think I'll run off and do something useful and Debianish and stay OUT of this one... (for a change)HS who gives a shit about US law anyone living in the US. 8B*^8r`i// Minor lesson: don't fuck about with something you don't fully understand -- the dosdoom source codeD_ * PerlGeek is really a space alien * Knghtktty believes PerlGeek^Perhaps Debian is concerned more about technical excellence rather than ease of use by breaking software. In the former we may excel. In the latter we have to concede the field to Microsoft. Guess where I want to go today? -- Manoj Srivastavad]M its hard being a lesbian withoutn breasts...people dont take you seriously>\* netgod opens his mailbox and immediately wishes he hadnt[<_Anarchy_> acf: maybe April 1 next year slashdot needs to run 'Rob Malda accepts new job as head of Debian project' 8)Z1There Is No Cabal.TY- 8am is an ungoldly hour to be awake :) * gorgo usually gets up at 11amdXM> Ok, I see you know what you're doing :-) Either that or I've gotten pretty good at faking it. 9X~9Bf has /usr/bin/emacs been put into /etc/shells yet? :P*e[ i figured 17G oughta be enough.)dWI stopped a long time ago to try to find anything in the bug list of dpkg. We should run for an entry in the Guinness Book of Records. -- Stephane BortzmeyerCc Gruuk: UFies are above and beyond the human race :)nba* joeyh cvs commits his home directory. Aaaaaa eeeeeeek joeyh: That is simply evil. Period.ma_ my client has been owned severely this guy got root, ran packet sniffers, installed .rhosts and backdoors, put a whole new dir in called /lib/' ', which has a full suite of smurfing and killing tools the only mistake was not deleting the logfiles question is how was root hacked, and that i couldnt tell u it is, of course, not a debian box * netgod notes the debian box is the only one left untouched by the hacker -- wonder why dOUJd4mo* bma wonders if this will make the Knghtbrd .sigilW* bma is a yank * Knghtbrd is a Knghtbrd * dhd is also a yank * Espy is evil * Knghtbrd believes Espy@k you guys are all sick! sick sick sick I tell ya ;)j* Knghtktty whispers sweet nothings to Thyla (stuff about compilers and graphics and ram upgrades and big hard drives...) oooooooooOOOOOOOOOO Knghtktty: that's positively pornographic... * Thyla goes off into fits of ecstasy...Si+Hi! I'm a .signature virus! Copy me into your ~/.signature to help me sprea= d! hE You measure your vibrators in 'characters per second'? I have bad news for you, c90, you've been masturbating with a dot-matrix printer.-g_* joeyh takes advantage of netscape's marvelous ability to crash to close 10 windows with a single keypress now that's progress! Bus error => {#3{:r{There is no snooze button on a cat who wants breakfast.5qoSince this database is not used for profit, and since entire works are not published, it falls under fair use, as we understand it. However, if any half-assed idiot decides to make a profit off of this, they will need to double check it all... -- Notes included with the default fortunes database?p where am I and what am I doing in this handbasket?lo] the increase in tension worldwide (as evidenced by crime and whatnot) over that time period looks a lot like Linux growth since 1993 ``Linux linked to worldwide crime epidemic!!''Yn7Techical solutions are not a matter of voting. Two legislations in the US states almost decided that the value of Pi be 3.14, exactly. Popular vote does not make for a correct solution. -- Manoj Srivastava o.HoUv/ is it me, or is Knghtbrd snoring? they killed knghtbrd! Kysh: wichert, gecko, joeyh, and I are in a room trying to ignore Knghtbrd netgod: Knghtbrd is hard to ignore.buI* HomeySan waits for the papa john's pizza to show up mm. papa john's. hopefully they send the cute delivery driver they dont have that here. why? you gonna eat the driver instead?t; It's a trackball for one so it's not a rodent it's a turd with a ball sticking out which you fondle constantly/scSubject: Bug#42432: debian-policy: Proposal for CTV for Draft for Proof of Concept for Draft for Proposal for Proposal for CTV for a CTV to decide on a proposal for a CTV for the CTV on whether or not we shoud have a CTV on the /usr/doc to /usr/share/doc transition now, or later. -- Ed Lang \Q7}\zCSteal this tagline. I did.6yqOperating Systems Installed: * Debian GNU/Linux 2.1 4 CD Set ($20 from www.chguy.net; price includes taxes, shipping, and a $3 donation to FSF). 2 CDs are binaries, 2 CDs complete source code; * Windows 98 Second Edition Upgrade Version ($136 through Megadepot.com, price does not include taxes/shipping). Surprisingly, no source code is included. -- Bill Stilwell, http://linuxtoday.com/stories/8794.htmlx1* Knghtbrd pelts wichert with NERF darts * wichert notes there are no ICBM nerfs yet and ignores kngtbrd wichert - just wait, after seeing the NERF gatling guns, ICBMs are not far off (just pump the damned thing for an hour or two is all...)+w[ Man, i wish knghtbrd were here to grab that for his sig list. [...several hours later...] woot don't know me vewy well, do he? muahahahaha 8Dt2v8;} be vewwy vewwy qwuiet .. I'm huntin wuntime ewwos8u java, hon, sometimes I really want to smack you. Valkyrja - he'd enjoy it too much Valkyrja: yah, go ahead and do it... beat java into cappuccino! :-)M* Espy ponders an uplad queue called 'hell' so I can do dupload --to helln~a* Knghtbrd assigns 3 to Chris * variable wonders who else is named chris besides me variable - you. => * Knghtbrd waits for variable to dramatically say 'I feel SO used!' Knghtbrd: :) * variable ++ :):}{As a computer, I find your faith in technology amusing.|#% emacs sucks, literally, not a insult, just a comment that its large enough to have a noticeable gravitational pull...8{u oh noooo, Knghtbrd's got a gun :) ^^insert music^^ bfextu - o/~ everybody is on the run o/~ o/~ run away, ruuuuun away from the pay-ay-ain o/~ r!r(U note on a dorm fridge ... 'To the person who ate the contents of the container labeled 'James' - warning, it was my biology experiment'A* TribFurry only gets spam mail from ucsd... I used to get email from myself but I decided I didn't like myself and stopped talking to me^ALucas' Law: Good will always win, because evil hires the _stupid_ engineers.&QFirst off - Quake is simply incredible. It lets you repeatedly kill your boss in the office without being arrested. :) -- Signal 11, in a slashdot comment1gRed Hat has recently released a Security Advisory (RHSA-1999:030-01) covering a buffer overflow in the vixie cron package. Debian has discovered this bug two years ago and fixed it. Therefore versions in both, the stable and the unstable, distributions of Debian are not vulnerable to this problem.. K"Kn a Bite me. * TheOne gets some salt, then proceeds to nibble on KnaraKat a little bit....c K i have 4gb for /tmp What do you do with 4G /tmp? Compile X? yesa G Knghtbrd, if we wanted a lameass remark we would have said: Hey, neckro< For every vision there is an equal and opposite revision.L But modifying dpkg is infeasible, and we've agreed to, among other things, keep the needs of our users at the forefront of our minds. And from a user's perspective, something that keeps the system tidy in the normal case, and works *now*, is much better than idealistic fantasies like a working dpkg. -- Manoj Srivastava DalNet is like the special olympics of IRC. There's a lot of drooling goin' on and everyone is a 'winner'._C Note on a chem lab fridge- 'This refrigerator is not explosion- proof'. l |I* BenC wonders why he has upgraded to 3.3.5-1 before teh X maintainer`E* joeyh wonders why everyone wants to know how tall he is joeyh: it helps the sniper  but, then I used an Atari, I was more likely to win the lottery in ten countries simultaneously than get accelerated X=Given some of the recent threads, the interactive discussions might need to be conducted on canvas, in the presence of a referee, while wearing padded gloves. ;-) -- Phil Hands? joeyh now has a terminal at the couch? That guy is wired, I swear => Knghtbrd: laptop and I don't mean the cats.%* Knghtbrd notes he has mashed potatoes for brains tonight yum, can I have some? um ... * Knghtbrd hides from Valkyrie <0Q<Z9'I am ecstatic that some moron re-invented a 1995 windows fuckup.' -- Alan Cox4mTechnology is a constand battle between manufacturers producing bigger and more idiot-proof systems and nature producing bigger and better idiots. -- Slashdot signature[;In fact.. based on this model of what the NSA is and isn't... many of the people reading this are members of the NSA... /. is afterall 'News for Nerds'. NSA MONDAY MORNING {at the coffee machine): NSA AGENT 1: Hey guys, did you check out slashdot over the weekend? AGENT 2: No, I was installing Mandrake 6.1 and I coulnd't get the darn ppp connection up.. AGENT 1: Well check it out... they're on to us. -- Chris Moyer L I wouldn't make it through 24 hours before I'd be firing up the grill and slapping a few friends on the barbie. Why would you slap friends with barbies, thats kinda kinky f]?Caveats: it's GNOME, be afraid, be very afraid of the Depends line -- James Troup]? learn to love Window Maker. a little NeXTStep is good for the soul.K ahh a gathering of geeks.... I can smell it nowH any gnome freaks around? not me, I'm just a freakJ NOTE THAT THE ABOVE IS JUST AN OPINION AND SHOULD NOT BE TAKEN TO INCLUDE ANY MEASURE OF FACTUAL INFORMATION. THE SPEAKER DISCLAIMS EVERYTHING AND EVERYONE. DEAL WITH IT.8u wow... simple maths show that Debian developers have closed more than *31* *thousand* bug reports since our BTS exists! that is about 30999 more than Microsoft ;)tmknghtbrd: there may be no spoon, but can you spot the vulnerability in eye_render_shiny_object.c? -- rcw ,o;%m,>$Gates' Law: Every 18 months, the speed of software halves.4#m I can read the bloody *manual* as if it were some sort of religious tract describing forms of enlightenment you can achieve after 10 years on a mountain :)") it's weird, when you go on a safari to Africa to catch a lion, you find it alive and it charges, and then you kill it when you go on a safari to South Bay to find a Palm Vx, you find it dead and take it home and it charges after it arrives :)U!/ when you start making only stupid mistakes that are obvious, thats when you start getting competent because you don't make fundamental misunderstanding mistakes and thats a *good* sign.X 5If you are what you eat, I guess that makes me a cheese danish. -- Anonymous  Hhhmmmmmmmm waterbeds for cows eleet Culus: why would a cow need a waterbed? cas: To be comfy warm NVN' 'Pacific Bell Customer Service, this is [..], how can I provide you with excellent customer service today?' 'HAHAHAHAHA!! That's good, I like it..' 'Um, thanks, they make us say that.' -- knghtbrd and a pacbell rep, name removed to protect her jobg&SI think irc isn't going to work though---we're running out of topic space! -- Joseph Carter<%} Solver_: add users who should be messing with sound to group audio.. Make sure the devices are all group audio (ls -l /dev/dsp will give you the fastest indication if it's probably set right) and build a kernel with sound support for your card OR optionally install alsa source and build modules for that with make-kpkg OR (not recommended) get and install evil OSS/Linux evil non-free evil binary only evil drivers---but those are evil. And did I mention that it's not recommended? B+?l,]'The difference between genius and stupidity is that genius has it's limits.' -- Albert Einsteinp+e that's a Kludge(TM) It Works(tm) AIX works(TM) no it doesn't =>v*q *snipsnip* oh dear, is that the sound of fortune-database editing? uh oh Yes =>)+ Flinny: black crontab magic kinda stuff :) Joy: does that mean people get to dance naked around bonfires chanting strange things and waving their arms about in a silly manner? knghtbrd: what do you *think* people do at novare?:(y Omnic: bloody newzealanders danpat: put a sock in it heh :) making fun of .nz'ers is different---they're all weird * knghtbrd hides hrmph TR-1_ (tinc) (ytitac) (ntinac) (it) (in) * Espy notes talking in acr^Winitialisms is scary when the other side understands you 0Reading computer manuals without the hardware is as frustrating as reading sex manuals without the software. - Arthur C Clarke~/* bma_home gropes you 'oups, wrong channel' quit groping me you know you like it. actually, it was 'grope me baby' touch my son and you die, bma ;) gecko-: but your wife is ok?a.GIf I have trouble installing Linux, something is wrong. Very wrong. -- Linus TorvaldsD- If charging someone for violation of US crypto laws would get you laughed out of court, just 'investigate' them on hte charge of TREASON! Tea, anyone? I'd rather drown politicians instead of tea :) espy: politicians have gills, duh weasels don't have gills r3~Be9O*** Topic for #redhat: ReDHaT is the answer to all your problems. It could be the start too!I8 be careful, some twit might quote you out of context...97yIt's as BAD as you think, and they ARE out to get you.D6 I'm starting to think the gene pool could use a little chlorine. 5G another .sig additionH4* knghtbrd does the ET thing anybody got a speak-n-spell?;3{ 'I installed 'Linux 6.1', doesn't that make me a unix guru?' Espy_on_crack: no, you have to install it twice before you are a guru...once to prove you can do it, the second to fix the things your broke the first time oh right, how silly of me 2 it's too bad most ancient unices are y2k compliant <|Rain|> too bad? <|Rain|> why, because people won't upgrade until 2038? .Q?' is there a special christmas pack for quake where you get to be like the santa robot on futurama? dhd: that would be a rather unbalanced game... dunham: that's the idea. ;>%>Q libc6 is not essential :|?= we need to split main into'core' and 'wtf-uses-this'z<yGuns don't kill people. It's those damn bullets. Guns just make them go really really fast. -- Jake Johanson';S JHM: I'm not putting quake in the kernel source but we should put quake in the boot floppies to one-up Caldera's tetris game.. ;>N:!* cesarb wonders if in less than a week Carmack will end up receiving in e-mail a courtesy copy of a version of the Quake source which is four times faster than what went out of his virtual hands... \M3Dk[regarding measures to prevent cheating in quake] I mean, as long as I can make my rocket launcher look like a big twinkie, I'll be happy ;) -- Qeyser C* woot is now known as woot-dinner * Knghtbrd sprinkles a little salt on woot I've never had a woot before... Hope they taste good noooo! don't eat me! * Knghtbrd decides he does not want a dinner that talks to him... hehe*B[We've upped our standards, so up yours!bAIC'mon! political protest! sheesh. Where's that anarchist spirit? ;-) -- Decklin Foster@! the problem with the GNU coding standards is they ASSUME that everyone in the world uses emacs.. If that were the case, free software would die because we would all have wrist problems like RMS by now and no longer be able to code. ;> ((]H?* Knghtbrd crosses his toes (if I crossed my fingers it would be hard to type) G CVS/Entries had the line I needed to 'alter' Knghtbrd: Was about to mention such.. Knghtbrd: Now, ready to commit? wish me luck Mercury: it's committed Mercury: and after all that, I should be too.eFO* Mercury calmly removes XT-Ream's arm.. * Mercury then proceeds to beat XT-Ream with XT-Ream's arm. wow, all this quake hacking is making Mercury violent here * mao is glad the quake forge project is in good handszEy r0bert: in short, we're moving several things the client currently is responsible for telling the server into things the server checks for itself If Neo says 'There is no spoon', The Matrix will say 'Oh yes there is---no cheating!' But he knows kung fu... Sure he does, but I have a rocket launcher. ._<.vOq well there ya go. say something stupid in irc and have it immortalised forever in someone's .sig file>N Mercury: gpm isn't a very good web browser. fix it.4Mm knght, sheesh, are you pasting my words out of context in #debian or something? ;) no, but I probably should be ;> d'oh!L5 Be warned, I have a keyboard I can use to beat luser's heads in, and then continue to use... (=:] Mercury: Oh, an IBM. :)K# If the user points the gun at his foot and pulls the trigger, it is our job to ensure the bullet gets where it's supposed to. J how are we going to pronounce '00 or '01 or '02 and so on? Say goodbye to the nineties, say hello to the naughties. :)I? there is one bad thing about having a cell phone. I can be reached at any time. :| that's why I leave mine off at all times. ;> UQVU}SI'd been hearing all sorts of gloom and doom predictions for Y2K, so I thought I'd heed some of the advice that the experts have been giving: Fill up the car's gas tank, stock up on canned goods, fill up the bathtub with water, and so on. I guess I wasn't fully awake when I completed my preparations late last night. This morning I found the kitchen shelves soaked in gasoline, water in the car's gas tank, and my bathtub filled with baked beans. -- Dan Pearl in a message to rec.humor.funny)RYWhere do you think you're going today?KQI would rather spend 10 hours reading someone else's source code than 10 minutes listening to Musak waiting for technical support which isn't. -- Dr. Greg Wettstein, Roger Maris Cancer Center+P[Microsoft is a cross between the Borg and the Ferengi. Unfortunately, they use Borg to do their marketing and Ferengi to do their programming. -- Simon Slavin v0MX it's too bad most old unices turned out y2k compliant because it means people will STILL BE RUNNING THEM in 30 years =p it would have been so much nicer if y2k effectively killed off hpux, aix, sunos, etc ;> Knghtbrd: since when are PH-UX, aches, and solartus 'old'?VW1 solaris is bsd, so it should work * Espy takes wichert's crack pipe awayiVW I generally don't use anything that has 'experimental' and 'warning' pasted all over it no, I'm not that dumb... hehe ... * darkangel considers downloading the latest unstable kernel5Uq you are baked Espy: only half soOT# hey did you fall off your pirch or something? me? heh. $\\ Trust us, we know what we're doing... We may have no idea HOW we're doing it, but we know WHAT we're doing.D[ Knghtbrd: Using -3dfx or -svga? Mercury will do something sane with it Mercury: both---svga sig11's, -3dfx sig4's Mercury: that's not good right? ;>=Z Adamel, i think the code you fixed of mine didn't work i must not have commited the working code raptor: like it's the first time THAT has ever happened =pY3* gxam wonders if all these globals are really necessary most of them at the moment yes we REALLY need to clean them up at some point gxam: the globals will have to go away as we migrate towards modularity and madness (ie, libtool) `3'Nominal fee'. What an ugly sentence. It's one of those things that implies that if you have to ask, you can't afford it. -- Linus TorvaldsY_7 LWE? Linux W?? E?? will eatyou World Expo? i see^! should a bug be marked critical if it only affects one arch? jt: rc for that arch maybe, but those kind of arch specific bugs are rare... not when it's caused by a bug in gcc jt: get gcc removed from that arch. :) ] i can upload to linux server tho i got a shell account on one Whats it running? umm apache i think Help, please help.. * Omni chuckles E=d cat /dev/random | perl ? doogie: it is also a valid sendmail.cf :) * knghtbrd hands doogie a senseless-use-of-cat award * shaleh wants to try it but is afraid,c] And don't get me started on perl! :> perl is beyond evil you don't know perl yet? gotta love a language with no definable syntaxbC* knghtbrd is each day more convinced that most C++ coders don't know what the hell they're doing, which is why C++ has such a bad rap kb: Most C coders don't know what they are doing, it just makes it easier to hide :P see for instance, proftpd :PdaM you GPL your homework? :) yah =D Anyone is permitted to use or modify my homework, but if they distribute changes they must include the full machine-readable source code ;> KL0jgConnection reset by some moron with a backhoe iThis message was written with vi! (not that anyone in the world cares) -- seen on an old message from an anon.penet.fi addressh= joeyh: I was down since midmorning yesterday and pacbell said this morning that AT&T was to blame and almost all of the state was down dunno why people insist the internet can survive a nuclear holocaust when it can't survive a backhoeMg* joeyh_ runs ps and sees 10 lines of awk code * joeyh_ recoils in horror2fi Joey: I'm on it right now.. 3 1.3Gb disks, 128M ram, dual 50Mhz (Up to quad 250Mhz) The catch is that it pulls 110v at about 12A 8> 12A! Okay, my stove is 3000W, this sun is 1320W DO YOU SEE A PROBLEM HERE a 1320W sun, that is like a hair dryer :)|e} perl < /dev/bdsm you have a /dev/bdsm? sure, it's a pseudosadomasochistic random number generator U\n=It's not usually cost effective time wise to go do it. But if something's really pissing you off, you just go find the code and fix it and that's really cool. -- John Carmack, on the advantages of open source=mMaking one brilliant decision and a whole bunch of mediocre ones isn't as good as making a whole bunch of generally smart decisions throughout the whole process. -- John Carmack(lUThe less you know about computers the more you want Microsoft! -- Microsoft ad campaign, circa 1996 (Proof that Microsoft's advertising _isn't_ dishonest!)'kSFeb 5 13:27:01 trinity lp0 on fire -- the Linux kernel, alerting me that there was some unknown problem with my printer (ie, it was out of ink) tg!-tyuw knghtbrd: QW's netcode is doing strange things to me. :P This is unusual? ;> Not really. :P:t{ i'd solve a windows key problem with fdisk :)5so Knghtbrd: we should do a quake episode :knee deep in the code': you run around shooting at bugs:) taniwha: I'll pass the idea on to OpenQuartz ;>8rwThe Unixverse ends on Tue, 19 Jan 2038 03:14:07 +0000Cq * Knghtbrd is FAR too tempted to .sig this entire discussion...Ip At that point it will compile, but segfault, as it should..Io yea it sounds useful for RE'ing USB i have a useless 3com usb camera here :( calc: 3Com could have you arrested for violating laws which don't exist 'till October ;> knghtbrd: i will hide :) ...resisting arrest too eh? knghtbrd: no i will hide before i get served Sy?{ Knghtbrd: I'd love to see support for xor crosshairs.. Mercury: you're on quack. Knghtbrd: You're the dealer... *** Knghtbrd is now known as QuackDealerfzQ*** Knghtbrd is now known as SirKewLDooD *** Mercury kicked SirKewlDooD from #quakeforge (*WHACK*)~y it's 6am. I have been up 24 hours Wake me up and risk life and limb. * Knghtbrd &; sleep Okay everyone, we wait 10 minutes and then start flooding Knghtbrd with ^G's. Someone, hack root and cat /dev/urandom >/dev/dsp.lx] i just bought MS Office 2000 for only $20!!! you got ripped off ;> i know ;):w{ shaleh: I am not, despite your implication, Godmv_ rcw: Oh yay---I haven't been involved in a good flamewar in at least ... 5 minutes! TbI* Omnic looks at his 33.6k link and then looks at Joy * Mercury cuddles his cable modem.. (=:]+~[* seeS uses knghtbrd's comments as his signature seeS: as soon as I typed them I realized I'd better snip them myself before someone else did ;>8}u eek, not another one... Seems ever developer and their mother now has a random signature using irc quotes ... WHAT HAVE I STARTED HERE??(|U* Dry-ice can't code his way out of a paper bag dry-ice: int main() { ExitPaperBag(); return 0; } Is that how that's done then? *takes notes* #G#m_ Zoid: we're nuts, but we're productive nuts:) * taniwha wonders what productive nuts taste like0e I still think you guys are nuts merging Q and QW. :P Of course we're nuts. Even John said so. => Zoid: we're nuts, but we're productive nuts:):y is it a sign of mental illness to wander aimlessly through the start map, collect your Thunderbolt, hop in the pool, and gib yourself with it just to see your head buouce when it falls through the bottom of the pool? => 'You know you're a Quake addict when ...'wsGranted, Win95's look wasn't all that new either - Apple tried to sue Microsoft for copying the Macintosh UI / trash can icon, until Microsoft pointed out that Apple got many of its Mac ideas (including the trash can icon) from Xerox ParcPlace. Xerox is probably still wondering why everyone is interested in their trash cans. -- Danny Thorpe, Borland Delphi R&R j 3Tagline, you're it!C  'Otherwise, please speak to a doctor about removing your head from your ass, I believe it would be beneficial to all involved.' -- Zephaniah E. Hull, flaming someone on a mailing list$M yeah i saw the lightning gun and where you were going, thinking you were gonna kick some ass :) didnt realise it would be your own :)oc The Unix way -- everything is a file The Linux way -- everything is a filesystem :)INothing is a problem once you debug the code. -- John CarmackK Actually, I think I'll wait for potato to be finalised before installing debian. That should be soon, I'm hoping. :) Endy: You obviously know very little about Debian.^A taniwha: Quote material :) Endy: :) Endy: I already snipped it ;uE;hU You don't have to be crazy to be a member of the project, but you will be.. <=:];It's not? Are you saying that you SHOULD allow people (other than William Wallace) to shoot lightning bolts from their arse? -- Seth Galbraith That's the funniest thing I've ever heard and I will _not_ condone it. -- DyerMaker, 17 March 2000 MegaPhone radio showN! taniwha: Have you TESTED this one? :) Endy: of course notU / gib, perl? methinks perl is the programmer's Swiss Army Chainsaw I am practicing a fine point of ethics. It is acceptable to shoot back. It is not acceptable to shoot first. -- Zed Pobre}  this is college course in formal logic knghtbrd: i hate that shit, much prefer fuzzy logic :) kev: fuzzy logic tickles. knghtbrd: lol knghtbrd: fuzzy logic is so cool, it models the world really well nj.w:nH What's this message on my screen, so blue, so blue, what could it mean? Could you, would you press Delete, Ctrl and Alt and then repeat.&Q* The_Answer_MD throws spaghetti at everyone * taniwha eats the spaghetti * Coderjoe tosses around some meatballs * Knghtbrd gets the cheese * taniwha grabs a red# heh, I never took a coding class or a graphics class or a software design class and it shows :P3k 'Java for the COBOL Programmer' who writes these things? people on crack and cobol programmers :) that's redundant.9y knghtbrd: and the meek shall inherit k-mart)* Endy needs to consult coffee :P coffee the bot person, not coffee the beverage :) consulting the beverage may help too => gTEOgv q Q. What's the difference between Batman and Bill Gates? A. When Batman fought the Penguin, he won.l] I'm a gnus person myself. It's an editor! It's a floorwax! It's a dessert topping!Z9 ok guys .. so whens the next commit :PP when they come to get meU/* CosmicRay wishes he had some strippers here.... err, wire strippers> 2fort5 sucks enough to have its own gravity ...G Culus: wanna suspend me for it? :) Overfiend: Go maliciously crack a few severs and we'll talk Culus: damn, it has to be malicious? Overfiend: Sadly, yesA I invoke Espy's law, which states that you all suck :PH come on it's a pico clone it's *meant* to be annoying^A what do you get when someone cracks your debian machine ? mashed potato... ;0M;%!=== This letter is the Honor System Virus ==== If you are running a Macintosh, OS/2, Unix, or Linux computer, please randomly delete several files from your hard disk drive and forward this message to everyone you know. ==============================================$C change all cvar->value = X to use Cvar_Set() that didn't happen in oldtree Actually, it did. yeah - two weeks later.E# QF is going to get zipfile support today heh... infozip? If I'm lucky yes knghtbrd: You're kidding, right? ;) * Deek takes away Knghtbrd's crack pipe. ;)t"mWe reject: kings, presidents, and voting. We believe in: rough consensus and working code. -- Dave ClarkL!At some point, bits have to go into packets and routers need to make decisions on them. Changes at that level is what I want to hear about, not strategic company relationships. -- John Carmack = ~+ so, how's everything in the world of Quack? just ducky excellent, fried duck is mighty fine tasty. * knghtbrd: gnome 2.0 will be out in a few months, not sure how it will compare to kde 2.0 though calc: Just as bloated, just as buggy, and every Gnome 2 app will depend on 30 libraries. knghtbrd: so what changes from 1.0 ?)7Hmm... Which would do a better job at driving physicists crazy? Travel faster than light, or a floating-point boolean value? -- Michael Mol(99 little bugs in the code, 99 bugs in the code, fix one bug, compile it again... 101 little bugs in the code....w's SGI_Multitexture is bad voodoo now ARB is good voodoo no, voodoo rush is bad voodoo :)F&* shortc wants to get in one of knghtbrd's sigs one of these days. ,n#0 knghtbrd: Eww, find a better name, the movie sucked.. Mercury: The engine is better than the movieH/ glDisable (GL_BUGS); heh Is that in 1.2? :)+.[ Exactly how much of a PITA is this in C? It's written in C++. Hence my question. I could do something like it in C. Anyone who saw the results would think I was either a genius or out of my fucking mind. They'd be right on either count. - if (cb) ((cb->obj)->*(cb->ui_func))(); tausq: who the HELL wrote that ? me :) * knghtbrd flogs tausqP,% I should probably reboot... ok brb So, what apart form avoiding virii, memory leaks, and rampant crashing does Linux reallhy offer :) reliable multitasking? P1Po5cWhy is it that all of the instruments seeking intelligent life in the universe are pointed away from Earth?l4] Damn, every time I spawn, qf-client-x11 locks hard Don't die? good incentive.e3O Yorick: no problem with indexed color palettes for images, as long as you can pick the palette Obviously the people creating quake were colour-blind but that doesn't mean you have to bet2mif (me != you) // FIXME: probably always true, delete? for (n = 0; n < who_knows_what; n++) { answer = DoSomething (withthis[n]); if (answer == foobar) { GetLost (n); break; } }j1Y What are 'bots'? <``Erik> rsg is a bot, not a human, not a human usable client, just a bot. <``Erik> about the same as a quake bot, except irc bots are (usually) built to help, not shoot your ass full of holes xIx?:Z.O.I.D.: Zombie Optimized for Infiltration and DestructionE9'I have a bone to pick, and a few to break.' -- Anonymous83 Even with overbrights, Quake's color palette is full of dull, flat colors knghtbrd: quake's palette is very vibrant unless you use gamma correction well actually I agree, it's nowhere near as vibrant as Unreal Q3 on the other hand...NEON. Q3 is just ridiculous Q3 takes the medieval church-dungeon and puts it in Vegas.(7U you know its really sad when the internic itself cant configure DNS servers right it just doesnt get any more pathetic than that36k hey, quick question, is there any way to speed up the performance of uquake-x11? rebelpacket: If you want to accelerate it, throw it harder. f{g?S 'A good programmer can write FORTRAN in any language.' knghtbrd has proven that you can write C++ in any language too. We are currently considdering if we should give him or prize, or kill him.. (Of course, by all rights, this means we should give him the prize, and then kill him.. )o>c knghtbrd: crap, SDL sure makes DGA a helluva alot easier too doesn't it? :) barneyfu: what DGA? mouse dga barneyfu: (does that answer your question?) Hahahahaha YEAH! :)t=m oh my, it's a UP P III. dos it. * joeyh runs dselect that ought to be sufficient :)q<g Overfiend: many patches on top of 4.0.1 already? Oskuro: a few only 152 megs;1 Yes, America is a country based on how pissed-off a group of taxed people can get. We exist as a country because we're cheap. hddh#GM dpkg has bugs? no way!F no! problems in M$ software? 'Thoroughly bugtested' * Dabb grins. rewrite that as 'Thoroughly buginfested'JE$you = new YOU; honk() if $you->love(perl) -- Seen on SlashdotD I like the seed code for computing masking curves. I've never seen code that made be want to drink before that...tCmA friend of mine has a barcode on his arm. He rings up as a $.35 pack of JuicyFruit. -- Seen on SlashdotB? Internet censorship. Because your children need to be protected from naked women, medical procedures, diverse cultures, and violent video games. (but information on building bombs, stealing cable, and manufacturing drugs is okay...)7AuWe must know, we will know. -- David Hilbert>@A subversive is anyone who can out-argue their government. (pPM%Change the Social Contract? BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. -- Branden Robinson4Lm CosmicRay: you complete me err... heh * BenC goes back to coding * elmo looks at benc something we should know about you and cosmicray, Ben? :) K unclean: err, the admin team do not control the archive, that's the ftp cabal get your cabals right, damn it :-P:J{* athener calls Amnesty International House of PancakesI;* knghtbrd ponders how to scare the living shit out of 87 people at once.. AHH! I can do it in 3 words!: Microsoft Visual COBOL.lH]'Debian: no hats or reptiles were harmed in the making of this distribution= .' -- Paul Slootman ] R knghtbrd: Quake should support xray vision, dammit pretzelgod: ftp://ftp.cdrom.com/pub/quake/partial_conversions/ xrated/i_am_old_enough_to_look_at_this ... you asked ... haha, that is a real directorylQ]* joeyh_ wonders if linux is supposed to lock up when you ask 100 processes to cat the entire cd driveQP'RFC 882 put the dot in .com, not Sun Microsystems -- Seen on SlashdotRO)All good ideas look like bad ideas to those who are losers. -- DilbertJN Program received signal SIGSEGV, Segmentation fault. 0x40095fb0 in memchr () from /lib/libc.so.6 (gdb) bt #0 0x40095fb0 in memchr () from /lib/libc.so.6 #1 0x0 in ?? () Well That's Really Helpful * knghtbrd trades gdb for a nice ouija board - it'll help more tcftnVa I'm getting a connection refused when connecting to port 25, anyone know where the damn log is? Myth: /var/log/damn.log? * aj wonders what that'd look like Dec 18 05:32:30 blae smtpd[123]: DAMN IT ALL TO HELL!!'US `You have been unsubscribed from the high energy personal protection devices mailing list' I dont remember getting into the mailing listNT! Mercury, isn't debugging X a little like finding perfectly bugfree code in windows ?? WildCode: Debugging X is like trying to run a straight line through a maze. You just need to bend space-time so that the corners move around you and you won't have any problems. (=:]S7 I SNEAK TO BUN HELP ME FOR TO QUACK kb: what the hell are you talking about? bwahahaha.. It's a long story. fzfbZI We are also hoping to release a version of linux where shell is replaced by perl to a large degree. Adding to that, there are a few of us who would like to see a pure perl platform.. PerlOS :) * Culus_ looks on in horror Culus_: on the up side, you can type damn near anything in at the command prompt :)Y)* wolfie ponders how many debianites it takes to screw in a lightbulb wolfie: Somewhere around 600? One screw's the bulb, and the rest flame him for doing it wrong. wolfie: is the bulb free software? Can we vote on whether to screw it or not?X-* weasel wonders how stupid one has to be to spam alt.anonymous.messages weasel: about half as stupid as one has to be to harvest it.W linux takes shit and turns it into something useful. windows takes something useful and turns it into shit <T^- why do they insist on ading -Werror... Mesa would not compile out of the box if it were done by you guys ;) Uh, Mesa DOESN'T compile out of the box most of the time. ] wow, I think I just used libtool to solve a problem -- somebody help me! :> xtifr, STEP AWAY FROM THE KEYBOARD?\ hehe, I really hate bug reports which are like calling fire department and saying: 'There is fire here, come!' :) (and hanging up) * Dabb kills off dozen bug reports.}[ LordHavoc: The reason why GL has overdraw is because it is only using HALF of the system they designed for vis. LordHavoc: Shooting itself in the foot. * Dabb looks at all those bullet holes in his shoes - damn, lots :) r}rb Windoze CEMeNT: Now with CrackGuard(TM)! Never worry about unsightly cracks in Windoze CEMeNT again! CrackGuard(TM) is so powerful that the entire thing will crumble before it will crack. Order your $200 upgrade version today! a oh, besides, whats the best approach if i want to make a Quake level designed from an existing building? Get a floorplan of Brian's office? =) Knghtbrd: im considering my school. Oh great That's ALL we need` This font is starting to come out very nicely Knghtbrd: oh dear, are you hacking up another quake font in vi? :)i_W nopcode: No, it isn't. Win32 lacks the equivalent of fork(). Deek: windoze is not meant for people who should have access to sharp objects, hence no fork() instead, you must rely on spoon() 22Yf7* knghtbrd is gone - zzz - messages will be snapped like wet towels at all of the people who have stolen the trademark knghtbrd away message ack * Coderjoe prepares to defend himself from wet messagesueo * Equivalent code is available from RSA Data Security, Inc. * This code has been tested against that, and is equivalent, * except that you don't need to include two pages of legalese * with every copy. -- public domain MD5 sourcemd_ whats wrong with rjing? it's lame :P it should NOT be possible shoving a grenade up your ass and using it as rocket propelant shouldn't be a viable technique :Pc Culus: my bug with openssh appears to be fixed in 2.5.2, but master runs 2.3.0 Don't even start I just did. You guys are going to drive me to build a huge giant robot and destroy all of texas, aren't you? gN_gtjm Someone fix it. committed Despair: Mercury? Knghtbrd: he's tired, made a mistake, wanted someone to undo it. Despair: so you had him committed? Knghtbrd: well, dedicated anyways.Ni! Alter.net seems to have replaced one of its router with a zucchini.h9'So, will the Andover party have a cash bar?' 'No, there's free beer.' 'Uh-oh, Stallman's gonna be pissed...' -- overheard at the Bazaar, 1999.gaNever underestimate the power of somebody with source code, a text editor, and the willingness to totally hose their system. -- Rob Landley }}k Knghtbrd: it's not bloat if it's used taniwha: how do you explain windoze then? Knghtbrd: most of it is used only as ballast to make sure your harddrive is full taniwha: ballast... Isn't that what makes subs sink to the bottom of the ocean? taniwha: that would explain why winboxes are always going down. ..amGThe deafening silence taught me not to ask a bunch of geeks for advice from their girlfriendsjlYinnovate /IN no vait/ vb.: 1. To appropriate third-party technology through purchase, imitation, or theft and to integrate it into a de-facto, monopoly-position product. 2. To increase in size or complexity but not in utility; to reduce compatibility or interoperability. 3. To lock-out competitors or to lock-in users. 4. To charge more money; to increase prices or costs. 5. To acquire profits from investments in other companies but not from direct product or service sales. 6. To stifle or manipulate a free market; to extend monopoly powers into new markets. 7. To evade liability for wrong-doings; to get off. 8. To purchase legislation, legislators, legislatures, or chiefs of state. 9. To mediate all transactions in a global economy; to embezzle; to co-opt power (coup d'état). Cf. innovate, English usage (antonym). -- csbruce, in a Slashdot post 3r2si 'I keep my personal gpg data in a locked, lead safe in a vault guarded by angry rednecks and their dawgs. Trespassers will be violated, and all that...'=r It is when the example source won't compile ... <``Erik> then you fucked something up Nope, I followed their instructions <``Erik> that may've been your problem :}\q= He's a about half the size of the others. But he's got a chainsaw.spk That reminds me, we'll need to buy a chainsaw for the office. 'In case of emergency, break glass'o *sigh* My todo list is like the fucking energizer bunny It keeps growing and growing and growing and ...nna'What are we going to do tonight, Bill?' 'Same thing we do every night Steve, try to take over the world!' !_!;z} There's too much blood in my caffeine system.Wy3 no BSD fans ? Elric: it's hard to be a gamer and a bsd fan :p8xw<|Rain|> #define struct union /* great space saver */w;<|Rain|> I *love* SWB!! <|Rain|> Or, press 5 to speak to a representitive.. <|Rain|> *5* <|Rain|> You are being transferred, please hold... <|Rain|> ... <|Rain|> ... <|Rain|> We're sorry, this number can not be completed as dialed. <|Rain|> Please check the number and try again.v= is that really knghtbrd? No, I'm an EVIL IMPOSTOR! An evil impostor who LIKES HYBRID! haha ok, it's him :P6us<``Erik> 18,446,744,073,709,551,616 is a big numbert% glQuakeIIIRendererMode(GL_TRUE) ExMachina: isn't that part of the extension which provides glDriverBugs(GL_FALSE); ? Knghtbrd: no, glDriverBugs() is part of EXT_help_me. which also contains glMakeItWork(GL_PLEASE); =x =><|Rain|> *nod* I'm not fond of using smarthosts, myself <|Rain|> as it relies on both the remote host and your host being smart <|Rain|> and too often you miss one of both of those goals% From all the sterotypes about Aussies, I figure you guys are really tough. ;p we'll throw koala's at youuoUnix is mature OS, windows is still in diapers and they smell badly. -- Rafael Skodlar j~Y LordHavoc: I'm already insane. damn straight. or curvy, crooked, or what have you} .net is microsofts perverted version of a java networked environment uglified for windows-specific crapL| Yeah, I looked at esd and it looked like the kind of C code that an ex-JOVIAL/Algol '60 coder who had spent the last 20 years bouncing between Fortran-IV and Fortran '77 would write..{c Culus: are you awake? no 0P0}'Since it's a foregone conclusion that Microsoft will be littering its XML with pointers to Win32-based components, the best that can be said about its adoption of XML is that it will make it easier for browsers and applications on non-Windows platforms to understand which parts of the document it must ignore.' -- Nicholas Petreley, 'Computerworld', 3 September, 2001^A* |Rain| prepares for polygon soup <|Rain|> sweet merciful crap, it works? * |Rain| faints;} Knghtbrd: irc doesn't compile c code very well ;),]The sourceforge approach is to place all of the projects in some bland 'open source surburbia', where all of the houses are alike, with only the colors and minor style variations (which building plan was used for which particular house) are allowed by the restrictive covenants and local zoning laws. Sourceforege is the open source equivalent of the subdivision in the movie 'Edward Scissorhands'. -- Terry Lambert WW 3* TwingyAFK is shopping for 17' flat panel * aav sells TwingyAFK a piece of plywood: { Look, rejects, this is #OpenGL, not #GEEKSEX. 7<|Rain|> Knghtbrd: let me give you access to the zone files oh gods - you do realize I have never played with bind right? <|Rain|> uhoh :)9<|Rain|> with sane code, maybe I could figure out the renderer :) rain: I'd probably be the one writing the renderer <|Rain|> well, er, uh coffee on an empty stomach is pretty nasy aav: time to run to the vending machine for cheetos cheetos? :)bI i understand there are some reasonable limits to free speech in america, for example I cannot scream Fire into a crowded theatre .. But can i scream fire into a theatre with only 5 or 6 poeple in it ? I?Ir iIn science it often happens that scientists say, 'You know that's a really good argument; my position is mistaken,' and then they actually change their minds and you never hear that old view from them again. They really do it. It doesn't happen as often as it should, because scientists are human and change is sometimes painful. But it happens every day. I cannot recall the last time something like that happened in politics or religion. -- Carl Sagan, 1987 CSICOP keynote address= Isn't it embarrassing when you have to go to the drugstore for some 'special items', and when you're checking out, the cashier looks at you like, 'oh, I know what YOU'RE doing tonight...' Yep, that cashier read all the signs... canned chicken soup, TheraFlu, Halls, NyQuil, the bigass bottles of OJ and grapefruit juice... he knew and I knew that I had a date with the teevee and a down comforter. Awww yeah. -- Elizabeth Kirkindall iW Kgnghtbrd: I wouldn't kow, I see no need for a spellchecker yet you were saying?J## Signoff: insurgent (razzin' frazzin' motherfu... stupid directx...)CLinux supports the notion of a command line or a shell for the same reason that only children read books with only pictures in them. Language, be it English or something else, is the only tool flexible enough to accomplish a sufficiently broad range of tasks. -- Bill Garrett/ the majority of windoze artists do not have the ability to save xpm LordHavoc: They don't have notepad? *G,D&R* Nintendo Declares GCN Most Popular Console Ever Who are they kidding? knghtbrd: Stock holders?jY add a GF2/3, a sizable hard drive, and a 15' flat panel and you've got a pretty damned portable machine. a GeForce Two-Thirds? Coderjoe: yes, a GeForce two-thirds, ie, any card from ATI. bnbE c++: the power, elegance and simplicity of a hand grenadedMNOTICE: anyone seen smoking will be assumed to be on fire and will be summarily put out.Z9 my computer was once one of the building blocks of a great pyramidzy that's *IT*. I'm never fucking attempting to install redhat again. this is like the 10th fucking machine on which the installer has imploded immediately after I went through the hell of their package selection process. Sammy: just use debian and never look back timball: debian iso's are being written at this very moment.(W liiwi: printk('CPU0 on firen');eO I'd better put the incriminating stuff into code: ahfuiovka ikperoa edfr ade 9 enbuw ejasxleme ka iena df4mesa If you can decrypt that, you're a better cryptographer than I am. =) YhU well I'm impressed win98 managed to crash X from within vmware. * gholam applauds.? Hit the monkey to win $20(*)! * knghtbrd gets out his mallet. * knghtbrd plants it firmly on DannyS' head. * knghtbrd will take his $20 now. =D3 Knghtbrd: Hey, perl has the power grace and elegance of a sledge hammer. (=:] <|Rain|> certainly the grace and elegance, anyway6s my program works if i take out the bugs..a but one sort per tab and none per list is arguably better than O(n + n**2) per tab and O(n**2) per list. OMG, someone shoot me. ? I can't believe I just used the big goose-egg to explain why my way is probably best in the long run. zczI! this is the New Overfiend, preacher of Love and Tolerance 7Libtool shared library portability is only slightly more believable than perpetual motion machines. Especially on AIX :).' -- David Leimbach7'Nvidia's OpenGL drivers are my 'gold standard', and it has been quite a while since I have had to report a problem to them, and even their brand new extensions work as documented the first time I try them. When I have a problem on an Nvidia, I assume that it is my fault. With anyone else's drivers, I assume it is their fault. This has turned out correct almost all the time.' -- John Carmack XzX$A '... you will more than likely see all kinds of compiler warnings scrolling by on the screen. These are normal and can be safely ignored.' Knghtbrd: is that a note attached to some M$ code? No, it's a note about a bunch of GNU stuff.#; so, what's the official way to get buildd to retry a package? prod it with a stick? prod neuro with a stick? yes.c"K the difference between netbsd, freebsd, and openbsd, as an insider is freebsd is interested in getting things done, and doesn't mind hurting people who get in their way. netbsd is interested in making sure nothing gets done, and doesn't mind hurting people who try to accomplish things. openbsd is interested in looking good, and doesn't hurt anyone in their own little community, but look out everybody else! mjmi)W i had something that i think was chicken that was coated with a red paste that seemed to be composed of lye based on how much of my tounge it burned away. our friend who is Indian said this is why most Indians are thin and i quote 'It doesn't take very much of this food to get you satisfied enoguh to stop eating.'H(## a_nick (nobody@c213-89-87-111.cm-upc.chello.se) has joined #python how do i add a new key to a dictionary? nm heh :) behold the problem-solving power of #python.O'# You're rewriting parts of Quake in *Python*? MUAHAHAHAo&c mmmm, multitextured donuts.... LIM: with fruit filling? knghtbrd: chocolate cream...%) knightbrd: from knightbrd.brain import * :) Oh gods if it were that easy .. from carmack.brain import OpenGL' ztnhb\VPJD>82,& 4 oA chicken is an egg's way of producing more eggs.h UA certain amount of opposition is a help, not a hindrance. Kites rise against the wind, not with it.'S A boy spent years collecting postage stamps. The girl next door bought an album too, and started her own collection. 'Dad, she buys everything I've bought, and it's taken all the fun out of it for me. I'm quitting.' Don't, son, remember, 'Imitation is the sincerest form of philately.''?A bird in the hand makes it awfully hard to blow your nose.2kA bird in the hand is worth what it will bring.?A bird in the hand is worth two in the bush. -- Cervantes>A bird in the bush usually has a friend in there with hii_RD߃2ރ#݃܃ۃڂxقi؂dׂXւKՂ=Ԃ6ӂ'҂!тЂρ{΁ń^́Oˁ?ʁ0Ɂȁǁ|lgXH<.! b"m,b4 oA chicken is an egg's way of producing more eggs.h UA certain amount of opposition is a help, not a hindrance. Kites rise against the wind, not with it.'S A boy spent years collecting postage stamps. The girl next door bought an album too, and started her own collection. 'Dad, she buys everything I've bought, and it's taken all the fun out of it for me. I'm quitting.' Don't, son, remember, 'Imitation is the sincerest form of philately.''?A bird in the hand makes it awfully hard to blow your nose.2kA bird in the hand is worth what it will bring.?A bird in the hand is worth two in the bush. -- Cervantes>A bird in the bush usually has a friend in there with him. A beginning is the time for taking the most delicate care that balances are correct. -- Princess Irulan, 'Manual of Maud'Dib'42O#(1) Everything depends. (2) Nothing is always. (3) Everything is sometimes. ExT1mC hpE)YA fool and his money are soon popular.uo A father gave his teen-age daughter an untrained pedigreed pup for her birthday. An hour later, when wandering through the house, he found her looking at a puddle in the center of the kitchen. 'My pup,' she murmured sadly, 'runneth over.'oc A farmer with extremely prolific hens posted the following sign. 'Free Chickens. Our Coop Runneth Over.'.cA farmer is a man outstanding in his field.8wA dead man cannot bite. -- Gnaeus Pompeius (Pompey)(WA day without sunshine is like night.>A day without sunshine is like a day without orange juice.>A day without sunshine is like a day without Anita Bryant.B A day without orange juice is like a day without orange juice.!IA couch is as good as a chair." KA closed mouth gathers no foot.2 kA clever prophet makes sure of the event first.R )A chronic disposition to inquiry deprives domestic felines of vital qualities. \L%h=\I!A good plan today is better than a perfect plan tomorrow. -- Patton +A good name lost is seldom regained. When character is gone, all is gone, and one of the richest jewels of life is lost forever. -- J. Hawes)YA good memory does not equal pale ink.O#A gleekzorp without a tornpee is like a quop without a fertsneet (sort of). A girl spent a couple hours on the phone talking to her two best friends, Maureen Jones, and Maureen Brown. When asked by her father why she had been on the phone so long, she responded 'I heard a funny story today and I've been telling it to the Maureens.'`EA full belly makes a dull brain. -- Ben Franklin [and the local candy machine man. Ed]%QA friend in need is a pest indeed.T-A foolish consistency is the hobgoblin of little minds. -- Ralph Waldo Emerson/eA fool must now and then be right by chance.+]A fool and your money are soon partners. MMV.?A lie in time saves nine.-EA king's castle is his home.G,A journey of a thousand miles starts under one's feet. -- Lao TsuM+A journey of a thousand miles must begin with a single step. -- Lao Tsu<*A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance..)cA hundred thousand lemmings can't be wrong!( A horse breeder has his young colts bottle-fed after they're three days old. He heard that a foal and his mummy are soon parted.I'A homeowner's reach should exceed his grasp, or what's a weekend for?4&oA hermit is a deserter from the army of humanity.@%A handful of patience is worth more than a bushel of brains.;$}A handful of friends is worth more than a wagon of gold.h#UA good scapegoat is hard to find. A guilty conscience is the mother of invention. -- Carolyn WellsG"A good reputation is more valuable than money. -- Publilius Syrus (4aW}S()<YA mushroom cloud has no silver lining.(;WA mind is a wonderful thing to waste.:EA man's house is his hassle.49oA man's house is his castle. -- Sir Edward Coke$8OA man's best friend is his dogma.[7;A man with one watch knows what time it is. A man with two watches is never quite sure.V61A man who carries a cat by its tail learns something he can learn in no other way.k5[A man gazing at the stars is proverbially at the mercy of the puddles in the road. -- Alexander SmithC4 A lost ounce of gold may be found, a lost moment of time never.T3-A little inaccuracy sometimes saves tons of explanation. -- H.H. Munro, 'Saki'E2A little inaccuracy saves a world of explanation. -- C.E. Ayres41oA little experience often upsets a lot of theory.^0AA likely impossibility is always preferable to an unconvincing possibility. -- Aristotlej/YA lie is an abomination unto the Lord and a very present help in time of trouble. -- Adlai Stevenson GbyzMG9HyA shortcut is the longest distance between two points.8GwA rolling stone gathers no moss. -- Publilius Syrus$FOA rolling stone gathers momentum./Ee'A radioactive cat has eighteen half-lives.'8DwA pound of salt will not sweeten a single cup of tea.+C]A plucked goose doesn't lay golden eggs.B1A plethora of individuals with expertise in culinary techniques contaminate the potable concoction produced by steeping certain edible nutriments.dAMA platitude is simply a truth repeated till people get tired of hearing it. -- Stanley Baldwinf@QA place for everything and everything in its place. -- Isabella Mary Beeton, 'The Book of Household Management' [Quoted in 'VMS Internals and Data Structures', V4.4, when referring to memory management system services.]U?/A pipe gives a wise man time to think and a fool something to stick in his mouth.>EA penny saved is ridiculous.$=OA penny saved has not been spent. @_^=#[@X9Above all else -- sky.9WyA word to the wise is enough. -- Miguel de Cervantes/VeA witty saying proves nothing. -- VoltaireZU9A witty saying proves nothing, but saying something pointless gets people's attention.`TEA wise person makes his own decisions, a weak one obeys public opinion. -- Chinese proverbZS9A wise man can see more from the bottom of a well than a fool can from a mountain top.ZR9A wise man can see more from a mountain top than a fool can from the bottom of a well.QEA watched clock never boils.7PuA violent man will die a violent death. -- Lao TsuOEA stitch in time saves nine."NKA song in time is worth a dime.%MQA soft drink turneth away company.ZL9A soft answer turneth away wrath; but grievous words stir up anger. -- Proverbs 15:1DK A snake lurks in the grass. -- Publius Vergilius Maro (Virgil)$JOA Smith & Wesson beats four aces.3ImA sinking ship gathers no moss. -- Donald Kaul RN_f*RBg Ain't no right way to do a wrong thing. -- The Mad DogtenderMfAim for the moon. If you miss, you may hit a star. -- W. Clement StoneCe Age before beauty; and pearls before swine. -- Dorothy Parker:d{Age and treachery will always overcome youth and skill.Qc'After the game the king and the pawn go in the same box. -- Italian proverb9byAdvice from an old carpenter: measure twice, saw once.iaWAdde parvum parvo manus acervus erit. [Add little to little and there will be a big pile.] -- Ovid6`sAd astra per aspera. [To the stars by aspiration.]M_Absolutum obsoletum. (If it works, it's out of date.) -- Stafford Beer(^WAbsence makes the heart grow frantic.<]Absence makes the heart grow fonder. -- Sextus Aurelius;\}Absence makes the heart grow fonder -- of somebody else.%[QAbsence makes the heart go wander."ZKAbsence makes the heart forget.(YWAbove all things, reverence yourself. `v-`}l-- All articles that coruscate with resplendence are not truly auriferous. -- When there are visible vapors having the prevenience in ignited carbonaceous materials, there is conflagration. -- Sorting on the part of mendicants must be interdicted. -- A plethora of individuals wither expertise in culinary techniques vitiated the potable concoction produced by steeping certain coupestibles. -- Eleemosynary deeds have their initial incidence intramurally. -- Male cadavers are incapable of yielding testimony. -- Individuals who make their abode in vitreous edifices would be well advised to refrain from catapulting projectiles.KkAll articles that coruscate with resplendence are not truly auriferous.GjAll a man needs out of life is a place to sit 'n' spit in the fire.'iUAlimony is the high cost of leaving._hCAlas, I am dying beyond my means. -- Oscar Wilde [as he sipped champagne on his deathbed] +c1r?c&r+E|An ounce of mother is worth a ton of priest. -- Spanish proverbJ{An ounce of hypocrisy is worth a pound of ambition. -- Michael Korda;z}An ounce of clear truth is worth a pound of obfuscation.)yYAn idle mind is worth two in the bush.;x}An apple every eight hours will keep three doctors away.*w[An apple a day makes 365 apples a year.jvYAn aphorism is never exactly true; it is either a half-truth or one-and-a-half truths. -- Karl Krausu7All's well that ends.(tWAll true wisdom is found on T-shirts.1siAll things being equal, you are bound to lose.HrAll things are possible, except for skiing through a revolving door.@qAll that glitters is not gold; all that wander are not lost.1piAll that glitters has a high refractive index.0ogAll is well that ends well. -- John HeywoodnEAll is fear in love and war.zmyAll I kin say is when you finds yo'self wanderin' in a peach orchard, ya don't go lookin' for rutabagas. -- Kingfish 6l kb6)YAnything is possible, unless it's not.1iAnything is possible on paper. -- Ron McAfeeQ'Any road followed to its end leads precisely nowhere. Climb the mountain just a little to test it's a mountain. From the top of the mountain, you cannot see the mountain. -- Bene Gesserit proverb, 'Dune'W3Any philosophy that can be put 'in a nutshell' belongs there. -- Sydney J. Harris@Any great truth can -- and eventually will -- be expressed as a cliche -- a cliche is a sure and certain way to dilute an idea. For instance, my grandmother used to say, 'The black cat is always the last one off the fence.' I have no idea what she meant, but at one time, it was undoubtedly true. -- Solomon ShortaGAnswer a fool according to his folly, lest he be wise in his own conceit. -- Proverbs, 26:5Z~9And tomorrow will be like today, only more so. -- Isaiah 56:12, New Standard Version6}s'An ounce of prevention is worth a pound of purge.' \Y+q^( \1iBetter living a beggar than buried an emperor.3mBetter late than never. -- Titus Livius (Livy)ABetter hope you get what you want before you stop wanting it.=Better dead than mellow.3 mBeggars should be no choosers. -- John Heywood0 gBe sure to evaluate the bird-hand/bush ratio.> Be both a speaker of words and a doer of deeds. -- Homer: {Avoid cliches like the plague. They're a dime a dozen._ CAsk not for whom the telephone bell tolls... if thou art in the bathtub, it tolls for thee.jYAsk not for whom the Bell tolls, and you will pay only the station-to-station rate. -- Howard KandelJAs well look for a needle in a bottle of hay. -- Miguel de Cervantes+]Anything worth doing is worth overdoing.#KAnything that is worth doing has been done frequently. Things hitherto undone should be given, I suspect, a wide berth. -- Max Beerbohm, 'Mainly on the Air' d\}9vd@Curiosity killed the cat, but satisfaction brought her back.A'Cogito ergo I'm right and you're wrong.' -- Blair HoughtonCogito cogito ergo cogito sum -- 'I think that I think, therefore I think that I am.' -- Ambrose Bierce, 'The Devil's Dictionary'%QCleanliness is next to impossible.U/Cleanliness becomes more important when godliness is unlikely. -- P.J. O'Rourke@Cheap things are of no value, valuable things are not cheap.ACharity begins at home. -- Publius Terentius Afer (Terence)ACall on God, but row away from the rocks. -- Indian proverb!IBeware of geeks bearing graft.1iBeware of friends who are false and deceitful.@Better tried by twelve than carried by six. -- Jeff Cooper`EBetter to light one candle than to curse the darkness. -- motto of the Christopher Society>Better to be nouveau than never to have been riche at all. Ij@]W2oI#0MFlee at once, all is discovered.$/OFlattery will get you everywhere..CFamiliarity breeds attempt.x-uExperience is a good teacher, but she sends in terrific bills. -- Minna Antrim, 'Naked Truth and Veiled Allusions'",KExpedience is the best teacher.&+SEvery solution breeds new problems.-*aEvery silver lining has a cloud around it.)AEvery path has its puddle.(3Eschew obfuscation.q'gDon't put off for tomorrow what you can do today because if you enjoy it today, you can do it again tomorrow.&EDon't get mad, get interest.`%EDon't get mad, get even. -- Joseph P. Kennedy Don't get even, get jewelry. -- Anonymous$ADon't get even -- get odd!#3Doing gets it done.""KDo, or do not; there is no try.'!UDo unto others before they undo you.B  Do not count your chickens before they are hatched. -- AesopN!Desist from enumerating your fowl prior to their emergence from the shell. 3]>lCsI3?-Have a nice day!'>UHaste makes waste. -- John Heywood"=KHappiness is the greatest good.><Happiness adds and multiplies as we divide it with others.g;SGod gave man two ears and one tongue so that we listen twice as much as we speak. -- Arab proverbP:%Given sufficient time, what you put off doing today will get done by itself.#9MGenius is pain. -- John LennonB8 Freedom from incrustation of grime is contiguous to rectitude.h7UFortune finishes the great quotations, #9 A word to the wise is often enough to start an argument._6CFortune finishes the great quotations, #3 Birds of a feather flock to a newly washed car.m5_Fortune finishes the great quotations, #12 Those who can, do. Those who can't, write the instructions.4?Fortune favors the lucky.03gFortune and love befriend the bold. -- Ovid%2QForgive and forget. -- CervantesE1For fools rush in where angels fear to tread. -- Alexander Pope Ss k&a7S:O{He who laughs last hasn't been told the terrible truth.*N[He who laughs last didn't get the joke./MeHe who laughs last -- missed the punch line.ELHe who laughs has not yet heard the bad news. -- Bertolt Brecht'KUHe who hesitates is sometimes saved.J?He who hesitates is last.$IOHe who hates vices hates mankind.|H}He who has the courage to laugh is almost as much a master of the world as he who is ready to die. -- Giacomo LeopardiBG He who has imagination without learning has wings but no feet.aIf at first you do succeed, try to hide your astonishment.%`QIf anything can go wrong, it will.L_If a fool persists in his folly he shall become wise. -- William Blake *{S Oz*M{It is a profitable thing, if one is wise, to seem foolish. -- Aeschylus/zeIt is a poor judge who cannot award a prize.@yIt doesn't matter whether you win or lose -- until you lose.#xMIntegrity has no need for rules.7wuInspiration without perspiration is usually sterile.Qv'In this world, nothing is certain but death and taxes. -- Benjamin Franklin-uaIn God we trust; all else we walk through.4toIn charity there is no excess. -- Francis BaconFsIf you would keep a secret from an enemy, tell it not to a friend.4roIf you wish to succeed, consult three old people.mq_If you wish to be happy for one hour, get drunk. If you wish to be happy for three days, get married. If you wish to be happy for a month, kill your pig and eat it. If you wish to be happy forever, learn to fish. -- Chinese Proverb8pwIf wishes were horses, then beggars would be thieves.GoIf two wrongs don't make a right, try three. -- Laurence J. Peter Uo!vxU`EIt is wise to keep in mind that neither success nor failure is ever final. -- Roger BabsoncKIt is when I struggle to be brief that I become obscure. -- Quintus Horatius Flaccus (Horace)W3It is the quality rather than the quantity that matters. -- Lucius Annaeus SenecaZ9It is sweet to let the mind unbend on occasion. -- Quintus Horatius Flaccus (Horace)?It is common sense to take a method and try it. If it fails, admit it frankly and try another. But above all, try something. -- Franklin D. Roosevelt-aIt is better to wear out than to rust out.?It is better to have loved and lost than just to have lost.6sIt is better to have loved and lost -- much better.K~It is better to have loved a short man than never to have loved a tall.<}It is bad luck to be superstitious. -- Andrew W. MathisO|#It is annoying to be honest to no purpose. -- Publius Ovidius Naso (Ovid) p`P$ sEp)YLaugh when you can; cry when you must./eLaugh at your problems; everybody else does..cLaugh and the world thinks you're an idiot.C Laugh and the world laughs with you, snore and you sleep alone.+]Knowledge without common sense is folly.)YKnowledge is power. -- Francis BaconN!Kites rise highest against the wind -- not with it. -- Winston Churchill7Keep the phase, baby.3Keep on keepin' on.)YIt's the thought, if any, that counts!C  It's not whether you win or lose, it's how you place the blame. AIt's later than you think.- aIt's better to burn out than to fade away.. cIt's better to burn out than it is to rust.F It's always darkest just before the lights go out. -- Alex Clark7uIt's always darkest just before it gets pitch black.cKIt is your concern when your neighbor's wall is on fire. -- Quintus Horatius Flaccus (Horace) Pb#&!SLook ere ye leap. -- John Heywood+ ]Look before you leap. -- Samuel Butler<Life is too short to be taken seriously. -- Oscar Wilde@'Life is too important to take seriously.' -- Corky SiegelELife is one long struggle in the dark. -- Titus Lucretius Carus/eLet your conscience be your guide. -- Pope.cLet sleeping dogs lie. -- Charles Dickens;}Left to themselves, things tend to go from bad to worse.*[Leave no stone unturned. -- EuripidesB Laugh, and the world ignores you. Crying doesn't help either. %C rM%%'QMany are cold, but few are frozen."&KMany are called, few volunteer.I%Many are called, few are chosen. Fewer still get to do the choosing.K$Mankind is poised midway between the gods and the beasts. -- Plotinus4#oMan is the measure of all things. -- Protagoras9"w-- Male cadavers are incapable of yielding testimony. -- Individuals who make their abode in vitreous edifices would be well advised to refrain from catapulting projectiles. -- Neophyte's serendipity. -- Exclusive dedication to necessitious chores without interludes of hedonistic diversion renders John a hebetudinous fellow. -- A revolving concretion of earthy or mineral matter accumulates no congeries of small, green bryophytic plant. -- Abstention from any aleatory undertaking precludes a potential escallation of a lucrative nature. -- Missiles of ligneous or osteal consistency have the potential of fracturing osseous structure, but appellations will eternally remain innocuous. >R6Io>.6cNecessity hath no law. -- Oliver Cromwell+5]Necessity has no law. -- St. Augustine+4]Mum's the word. -- Miguel de Cervantes(3WMother is the invention of necessity.P2%Moderation is a fatal thing. Nothing succeeds like excess. -- Oscar WildeC1 Moderation in all things. -- Publius Terentius Afer [Terence]20kMistrust first impulses; they are always right.;/}Mistakes are often the stepping stones to utter failure.1.iMisfortunes arrive on wings and leave on foot.R-)Misery no longer loves company. Nowadays it insists on it. -- Russell Baker:,{Misery loves company, but company does not reciprocate.H+Men freely believe that what they wish to desire. -- Julius Caesar<*May you live in uninteresting times. -- Chinese proverbx)uMay you have warm words on a cold evening, a full mooon on a dark night, and a smooth road all the way to your door.0(gMany hands make light work. -- John Heywood 6u<x6?=Never put off until tomorrow what you can do the day after.@<Never put off till tomorrow what you can avoid all together.A;Never promise more than you can perform. -- Publilius Syrus::{Never look a gift horse in the mouth. -- Saint Jerome69sNever do today what you can put off until tomorrow.k8[-- Neophyte's serendipity. -- Exclusive dedication to necessitious chores without interludes of hedonistic diversion renders John a hebetudinous fellow. -- A revolving concretion of earthy or mineral matter accumulates no congeries of small, green bryophytic plant. -- The person presenting the ultimate cachinnation possesses thereby the optimal cachinnation. -- Abstention from any aleatory undertaking precludes a potential escallation of a lucrative nature. -- Missiles of ligneous or osteal consistency have the potential of fracturing osseous structure, but appellations will eternally remain innocuous.79Necessity is a mother. wkRQ#w(KWOften things ARE as bad as they seem!~JNullum magnum ingenium sine mixtura dementiae fuit. [There is no great genius without some touch of madness.] -- SenecaI!Nothing ever becomes real till it is experienced -- even a proverb is no proverb to you till your life has illustrated it. -- John Keats.HcNothing endures but change. -- Heraclitus2GkNot everything worth doing is worth doing well.3FmNone love the bearer of bad news. -- Sophocles6EsNo good deed goes unpunished. -- Clare Booth LuceIDNo excellent soul is exempt from a mixture of madness. -- Aristotle/CeNo evil can happen to a good man. -- PlatoGBNo act of kindness, no matter how small, is ever wasted. -- AesopA3Nice guys get sick.+@]Nice guys finish last. -- Leo DurocherB? Nice guys finish last, but we get to sleep in. -- Evan Davis>ENice guys don't finish nice. ZNfY!ZCX Pereant, inquit, qui ante nos nostra dixerunt. [Confound those who have said our remarks before us.] or [May they perish who have expressed our bright ideas before us.] -- Aelius Donatus5WqPauca sed matura. [Few but excellent.] -- GaussMVPatience is the best remedy for every trouble. -- Titus Maccius PlautusU1 -- Owen Meredith2TkOut of sight is out of mind. -- Arthur CloughSEOppernockity tunes but once.KROne picture is worth more than ten thousand words. -- Chinese proverbAQOne man's Mede is another man's Persian. -- George M. Cohan2PkOne good turn usually gets most of the blanket.7OuOne good turn deserves another. -- Gaius Petronius2NkOne good turn asketh another. -- John HeywoodCM Once harm has been done, even a fool understands it. -- HomeriLWOnce a word has been allowed to escape, it cannot be recalled. -- Quintus Horatius Flaccus (Horace) l)l!zlKdRotten wood cannot be carved. -- Confucius, 'Analects', Book 5, Ch. 9cCRome wasn't burnt in a day.3bmRome was not built in one day. -- John HeywoodfaQRemoving the straw that broke the camel's back does not necessarily allow the camel to walk again.E`Remembering is for those who have forgotten. -- Chinese proverb\_=Quidquid latine dictum sit, altum viditur. [Whatever is said in Latin sounds profound.]H^Prosperity makes friends, adversity tries them. -- Publilius Syrus?]Pray to God, but keep rowing to shore. -- Russian Proverb4\oPraise the sea; on shore remain. -- John FlorioA[Practice yourself what you preach. -- Titus Maccius Plautus ZPlus ,ca change, plus c'est la m^eme chose. [The more things change, the more they remain the same.] -- Alphonse Karr, 'Les Gu^epes'EYPity the meek, for they shall inherit the earth. -- Don Marquis c7c3imSet the cart before the horse. -- John HeywoodUh/Seize the day, put no trust in the morrow! -- Quintus Horatius Flaccus (Horace)Cg Seek simplicity -- and distrust it. -- Alfred North WhiteheadFfScintillation is not always identification for an auric substance.|e}-- Scintillate, scintillate, asteroid minikin. -- Members of an avian species of identical plumage congregate. -- Surveillance should precede saltation. -- Pulchritude possesses solely cutaneous profundity. -- It is fruitless to become lachrymose over precipitately departed lacteal fluid. -- Freedom from incrustations of grime is contiguous to rectitude. -- It is fruitless to attempt to indoctrinate a superannuated canine with innovative maneuvers. -- Eschew the implement of correction and vitiate the scion. -- The temperature of the aqueous content of an unremittingly galled saucepan does not reach 212 degrees Farenheit. )o}Ky5 tQ)%xQThe early worm gets the late bird. wGThe early worm gets the bird.FvThe descent to Hades is the same from every place. -- AnaxagorasIuThe course of true anything never does run smooth. -- Samuel Butler)tYThe coast was clear. -- Lope de VegaAsSweet April showers do spring May flowers. -- Thomas TusserYr7Stop searching. Happiness is right next to you. Now, if they'd only take a bath ...6qsStop searching forever. Happiness is unattainable.:p{Stop searching forever. Happiness is just next to you./oeSmall is beautiful. -- Schumacher's Dictummn_Small change can often be found under seat cushions. -- One of Lazarus Long's most penetrating insightsmCSic Transit Gloria Thursdi.^lASic transit gloria mundi. [So passes away the glory of this world.] -- Thomas `a KempiskASic transit gloria Monday!njaSi jeunesse savait, si vieillesse pouvait. [If youth but knew, if old age but could.] -- Henri Estienne -h%Yp8-T-The only problem with seeing too much is that it makes you insane. -- PhaedrusEThe only constant is change.GThe only certainty is that nothing is certain. -- Pliny the ElderEThe more things change, the more they'll never be the same again.5qThe more things change, the more they stay insane.*[The more the merrier. -- John Heywood<The meek will inherit the earth -- if that's OK with you.zyThe man who sees, on New Year's day, Mount Fuji, a hawk, and an eggplant is forever blessed. -- Old Japanese proverb2~kThe man who runs may fight again. -- MenanderA}The light at the end of the tunnel may be an oncoming dragon.P|%The light at the end of the tunnel is the headlight of an approaching train.@{The life which is unexamined is not worth living. -- Plato[z;The greatest love is a mother's, then a dog's, then a sweetheart's. -- Polish proverb7yuThe ends justify the means. -- after Matthew Prior l"p!IThe worst is enemy of the bad. The temperature of the aqueous content of an unremittingly ogled culinary vessel will not achieve 100 degrees on the Celsius scale.3 mThe superfluous is very necessary. -- Voltaire1 iThe road to Hades is easy to travel. -- BionE The reverse side also has a reverse side. -- Japanese proverbG The proof of the pudding is in the eating. -- Miguel de CervantesM'The porcupine with the sharpest quills gets stuck on a tree more often.'AThe only reward of virtue is virtue. -- Ralph Waldo Emerson UNU7uThere is no proverb that is not true. -- Cervantes;}There is no grief which time does not lessen and soften.6sThere is no fool to the old fool. -- John HeywoodEThere are more ways of killing a cat than choking her with cream.B There are more things in heaven and earth than any place else.iW-- The writing implement is more potent than the claymore. -- All articles that coruscate with resplendence are not truly auriferous. -- When there are visible vapors having the prevenience in ignited carbonaceous materials, there is conflagration. -- Sorting on the part of mendicants must be interdicted. -- A plethora of individuals wither expertise in culinary techniques vitiated the potable concoction produced by steeping certain coupestibles. -- The person presenting the ultimate cachinnation possesses thereby the optimal cachinnation. -- Eleemosynary deeds have their initial incidence intramurally. ^~;r5C^F#Time goes, you say? Ah no! Time stays, *we* go. -- Austin Dobson8"wTime flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.:!{Time as he grows old teaches all things. -- Aeschylus! ITime and tide wait for no man.LThree may keep a secret, if two of them are dead. -- Benjamin Franklin7uThou hast seen nothing yet. -- Miguel de Cervantes-aThings fall apart; the centre cannot hold.6sThings are not always what they seem. -- Phaedrus:{Things are more like they used to be than they are now.Z9Things are more like they are today than they ever were before. -- Dwight Eisenhower%QThere's no time like the pleasant.AThere's no such thing as an original sin. -- Elvis Costello@There's no such thing as a free lunch. -- Milton Friendman4oThere's no heavier burden than a great potential.HThere's an old proverb that says just about whatever you want it to. ,ap]/y,J2Treat your friend as if he might become an enemy. -- Publilius SyrusF1To every Ph.D. there is an equal and opposite Ph.D. -- B. Duggan0-To err is humor.T/-To err is human; to forgive is simply not our policy. -- MIT Assasination Club+.]To err is human; to admit it, a blunder.P-%To err is human. To blame someone else for your mistakes is even more human.T,-To err is human, to repent, divine, to persist, devilish. -- Benjamin Franklinf+QTo err is human, to purr feline. To err is human, two curs canine. To err is human, to moo bovine."*KTo err is human, to moo bovine.')UTo err is human, to forgive unusual.9(yTo err is human, to forgive is against company policy.c'KTo err is human, but when the eraser wears out before the pencil, you're overdoing it a little.4&oTo err is human, but I can REALLY foul things up.)%YTo add insult to injury. -- Phaedrus9$yTime sure flies when you don't know what you're doing. .o9a)Q$s.BD What one fool can do, another can. -- Ancient Simian ProverbPC%What one believes to be true either is true or becomes true. -- John Lilly:B{What fools these mortals be. -- Lucius Annaeus SenecaACWhat fools these morals be!*@[Well begun is half done. -- AristotleB? We have seen the light at the end of the tunnel, and it's out.8>wWe are what we pretend to be. -- Kurt Vonnegut, Jr.=3We are what we are.<<Walking on water wasn't built in a day. -- Jack Kerouac5;qTwo wrongs don't make a right, but three lefts do.Q:'Two wrongs don't make a right, but they make a good excuse. -- Thomas Szasz/9eTwo wrongs are only the beginning. -- Kohn$8OTwo is company, three is an orgy.(7WTwo heads are more numerous than one.36mTwo heads are better than one. -- John Heywood*5[Turn the other cheek. -- Jesus Christ#4MTruth can wait; he's used to it.;3}Trust in Allah, but tie your camel. -- Arabian proverb 6>{IJm64RoWhen the sun shineth, make hay. -- John HeywoodVQ1When the only tool you have is a hammer, every problem starts to look like a nail.JPWhen the going gets weird, the weird turn pro. -- Hunter S. Thompson4OoWhen the going gets tough, the tough go shopping.9NyWhen the going gets tough, everyone leaves. -- LynchZM9When the blind lead the blind they will both fall over the cliff. -- Chinese proverbcLKWhen the ax entered the forest, the trees said, 'The handle is one of us!' -- Turkish proverb/KeWhen nothing can possibly go wrong, it will.4JoWhen in doubt, use brute force. -- Ken Thompson$IOWhen in doubt, follow your heart.bHIWhatever it is, I fear Greeks even when they bring gifts. -- Publius Vergilius Maro (Virgil)CG What you don't know won't help you much either. -- D. BennettbYou can drive a horse to water, but a pencil must be lead.*a[You buttered your bread, now lie in it.E`Would ye both eat your cake and have your cake? -- John Heywood L0=[s;You may be marching to the beat of a different drummer, but you're still in the parade.@r'MOKE DAT YIGARETTE' -- 'The Last Coin', James P. Blaylock,q]Zhizn' prozhit'--ne pole pereiti. [Life's a bitch.] [Well, okay. lit., to live through life is not as simple as crossing a field. Happy now?] -- Russian proverbppeYou k'n hide de fier, but w'at you gwine do wid de smoke? -- Joel Chandler Harris, proverbs of Uncle Remus.ocYou get what you pay for. -- Gabriel Biel;n}You cannot see the wood for the trees. -- John Heywood7muYou can't judge a book by the way it wears its hair.1liYou can't break eggs without making an omelet./keYou can never do just one thing. -- HardinKjYou can move the world with an idea, but you have to think of it first.#Any member introducing a dog into the Society's premises shall be liable to a fine of one pound. Any animal leading a blind person shall be deemed to be a cat. -- Rule 46, Oxford Union Society, London$OAll intelligent species own cats.D About the only thing on a farm that has an easy time is the dog.\= A little dog goes into a saloon in the Wild West, and beckons to the bartender. 'Hey, bartender, gimme a whiskey.' The bartender ignores him. 'Hey bartender, gimme a whiskey!' Still ignored. 'HEY BARMAN!! GIMME A WHISKEY!!' The bartender takes out his six-shooter and shoots the dog in the leg, and the dog runs out the saloon, howling in pain. Three years later, the wee dog appears again, wearing boots, jeans, chaps, a Stetson, gun belt, and guns. He ambles slowly into the saloon, goes up to the bar, leans over it, and says to the bartender, 'I'm here t'git the man that shot muh paw.'MA door is what a dog is perpetually on/' R O#Any member introducing a dog into the Society's premises shall be liable to a fine of one pound. Any animal leading a blind person shall be deemed to be a cat. -- Rule 46, Oxford Union Society, London$OAll intelligent species own cats.D About the only thing on a farm that has an easy time is the dog.\= A little dog goes into a saloon in the Wild West, and beckons to the bartender. 'Hey, bartender, gimme a whiskey.' The bartender ignores him. 'Hey bartender, gimme a whiskey!' Still ignored. 'HEY BARMAN!! GIMME A WHISKEY!!' The bartender takes out his six-shooter and shoots the dog in the leg, and the dog runs out the saloon, howling in pain. Three years later, the wee dog appears again, wearing boots, jeans, chaps, a Stetson, gun belt, and guns. He ambles slowly into the saloon, goes up to the bar, leans over it, and says to the bartender, 'I'm here t'git the man that shot muh paw.'MA door is what a dog is perpetually on the wrong side of. -- Ogden Nash CO%'Contrary to popular belief, penguins are not the salvation of modern technology. Neither do they throw parties for the urban proletariat.'S +Chihuahuas drive me crazy. I can't stand anything that shivers when it's warm.I Cats, no less liquid than their shadows, offer no angles to the wind.X 5Cats are smarter than dogs. You can't make eight cats pull a sled through the snow.e OCats are intended to teach us that not everything in nature has a function. -- Garrison Keillor1 iBreeding rabbits is a hare raising experience.jYAuribus teneo lupum. [I hold a wolf by the ears.] [Boy, it *sounds* good. But what does it *mean*?]ri 'Anything else you wish to draw to my attention, Mr. Holmes ?' 'The curious incident of the stable dog in the nighttime.' 'But the dog did nothing in the nighttime.' 'That was the curious incident.' -- A. Conan Doyle, 'Silver Blaze'Z9Anyone who considers protocol unimportant has never dealt with a cat. -- R. Heinlein "]"O#Everyone *knows* cats are on a higher level of existence. These silly humans are just to big-headed to admit their inferiority. Just think what a nicer world this would be if it were controlled by cats. You wouldn't see cats having waste disposal problems. They're neat. They don't have sexual hangups. A cat gets horny, it does something about it. They keep reasonable hours. You *never* see a cat up before noon. They know how to relax. Ever heard of a cat with an ulcer? What are the chances of a cat starting a nuclear war? Pretty neglible. It's not that they can't, they just know that there are much better things to do with ones time. Like lie in the sun and sleep. Or go exploring the world.gSDogs just don't seem to be able to tell the difference between important people and the rest of us.$ODoes the name Pavlov ring a bell?{{Did you ever walk into a room and forget why you walked in? I think that's how dogs spend their lives. -- Sue Murphy azyIf you are a police dog, where's your badge? -- Question James Thurber used to drive his German Shepherd crazy.;If anyone has seen my dog, please contact me at x2883 as soon as possible. We're offering a substantial reward. He's a sable collie, with three legs, blind in his left eye, is missing part of his right ear and the tip of his tail. He's been recently fixed. Answers to 'Lucky'.HIf a can of Alpo costs 38 cents, would it cost $2.50 in Dog Dollars?eOI love dogs, but I hate Chihuahuas. A Chihuahua isn't a dog. It's a rat with a thyroid problem.I loathe people who keep dogs. They are cowards who haven't got the guts to bite people themselves. -- August StrindbergJHi! You have reached 555-0129. None of us are here to answer the phone and the cat doesn't have opposing thumbs, so his messages are illegible. Please leave your name and message after the beep...O#For a man to truly understand rejection, he must first be ignored by a cat. H5qIn the eyes of my dog, I'm a man. -- Martin Mull=If you have received a letter inviting you to speak at the dedication of a new cat hospital, and you hate cats, your reply, declining the invitation, does not necessarily have to cover the full range of your emotions. You must make it clear that you will not attend, but you do not have to let fly at cats. The writer of the letter asked a civil question; attack cats, then, only if you can do so with good humor, good taste, and in such a way that your answer will be courteous as well as responsive. Since you are out of sympathy with cats, you may quite properly give this as a reason for not appearing at the dedication ceremonies of a cat hospital. But bear in mind that your opinion of cats was not sought, only your services as a speaker. Try to keep things straight. -- Strunk and White, 'The Elements of Style'vq'If you don't want your dog to have bad breath, do what I do: Pour a little Lavoris in the toilet.' -- Jay Leno N(@/'cSome books are to be tasted, others to be swallowed, and some few to be chewed and digested. -- Francis Bacon [As anyone who has ever owned a puppy already knows. Ed.]J&'Shelter,' what a nice name for for a place where you polish your cat.E%Raising pet electric eels is gaining a lot of current popularity.$)PENGUINICITY!!@#No one can feel as helpless as the owner of a sick goldfish. "No animal should ever jump on the dining room furniture unless absolutely certain he can hold his own in conversation. -- Fran LebowitzM!Never try to outstubborn a cat. -- Lazarus Long, 'Time Enough for Love'E Lost: gray and white female cat. Answers to electric can opener.MIt's no use crying over spilt milk -- it only makes it salty for the cat.)YIt was Penguin lust... at its ugliest.6sIt is not a good omen when goldfish commit suicide. zfAz5/qTo err is human, To purr feline. -- Robert Byrne>.There's no use in having a dog and doing your own barking.N-!There are many intelligent species in the universe, and they all own cats.X,5The only time a dog gets complimented is when he doesn't do anything. -- C. SchulzN+!The main problem I have with cats is, they're not dogs. -- Kevin Cowherdy*wThe difference between dogs and cats is that dogs come when they're called. Cats take a message and get back to you.{){Speaking of purchasing a dog, never buy a watchdog that's on sale. After all, everyone knows a bargain dog never bites!(9Sometimes when I get up in the morning, I feel very peculiar. I feel like I've just got to bite a cat! I feel like if I don't bite a cat before sundown, I'll go crazy! But then I just take a deep breath and forget about it. That's what is known as real maturity. -- Snoopy 62sWho loves me will also love my dog. -- John Donnet1mWhen the fog came in on little cat feet last night, it left these little muddy paw prints on the hood of my car.x0uWhen man calls an animal 'vicious', he usually means that it will attempt to defend itself when he tries to kill it. IA Hen Brooding Kittens A friend informs us that he saw at the Novato ranch, Marin county, a few days since, a hen actually brooding and otherwise caring for three kittens! The gentleman upon whose premises this strange event is transpiring says the hen adopted the kittens when they were but a few days old, and that she has devoted them her undivided care for several weeks past. The young felines are now of respectable size, but they nevertheless follow the hen at her cluckings, and are regularly brooded at night beneath her wings. -- Sacramento Daily Union, July 2, 1861#KA help wanted add for a photo journalist asked the rhetorical question: If you found yourself in a situation where you could either save a drowning man, or you could take a Pulitzer prize winning photograph of him drownin/)(%#   IA Hen Brooding Kittens A friend informs us that he saw at the Novato ranch, Marin county, a few days since, a hen actually brooding and otherwise caring for three kittens! The gentleman upon whose premises this strange event is transpiring says the hen adopted the kittens when they were but a few days old, and that she has devoted them her undivided care for several weeks past. The young felines are now of respectable size, but they nevertheless follow the hen at her cluckings, and are regularly brooded at night beneath her wings. -- Sacramento Daily Union, July 2, 1861#KA help wanted add for a photo journalist asked the rhetorical question: If you found yourself in a situation where you could either save a drowning man, or you could take a Pulitzer prize winning photograph of him drowning, what shutter speed and setting would you use? -- Paul Harvey NON~A Mexican newspaper reports that bored Royal Air Force pilots stationed on the Falkland Islands have devised what they consider a marvelous new game. Noting that the local penguins are fascinated by airplanes, the pilots search out a beach where the birds are gathered and fly slowly along it at the water's edge. Perhaps ten thousand penguins turn their heads in unison watching the planes go by, and when the pilots turn around and fly back, the birds turn their heads in the opposite direction, like spectators at a slow-motion tennis match. Then, the paper reports 'The pilots fly out to sea and directly to the penguin colony and overfly it. Heads go up, up, up, and ten thousand penguins fall over gently onto their backs. -- Audobon Society Magazine.a A journalist, thrilled over his dinner, asked the chef for the recipe. Retorted the chef, 'Sorry, we have the same policy as you journalists, we never reveal our sauce.' ;;[;A newspaper is a circulating library with high blood pressure. -- Arthure 'Bugs' BaereOA New Way of Taking Pills A physician one night in Wisconsin being disturbed by a burglar, and having no ball or shot for his pistol, noiselessly loaded the weapon with small, hard pills, and gave the intruder a 'prescription' which he thinks will go far towards curing the rascal of a very bad ailment. -- Nevada Morning Transcript, January 30, 1861 M 'A raccoon tangled with a 23,000 volt line today. The results blacked out 1400 homes and, of course, one raccoon.' -- Steel City News0eA prominent broadcaster, on a big-game safari in Africa, was taken to a watering hole where the life of the jungle could be observed. As he looked down from his tree platform and described the scene into his tape recorder, he saw two gnus grazing peacefully. So preoccupied were they that they failed to observe the approach of a pride of lions led by two magnificent specimens, obviously the leaders. The lions charged, killed the gnus, and dragged them into the bushes where their feasting could not be seen. A little while later the two kings of the jungle emerged and the radioman recorded on his tape: 'Well, that's the end of the gnus and here, once again, are the head lions.' G` EAdvertisements contain the only truths to be relied on in a newspaper. -- Thomas Jefferson6 qA young girl once committed suicide because her mother refused her a new bonnet. Coroner's verdict: 'Death from excessive spunk.' -- Sacramento Daily Union, September 13, 1860 BB; {After two or three weeks of this madness, you begin to feel As One with the man who said, 'No news is good news.' In twenty-eight papers, only the rarest kind of luck will turn up more than two or three articles of any interest... but even then the interest items are usually buried deep around paragraph 16 on the jump (or 'Cont. on ...') page... The Post will have a story about Muskie making a speech in Iowa. The Star will say the same thing, and the Journal will say nothing at all. But the Times might have enough room on the jump page to include a line or so that says something like: 'When he finished his speech, Muskie burst into tears and seized his campaign manager by the side of the neck. They grappled briefly, but the struggle was kicked apart by an oriental woman who seemed to be in control.' Now that's good journalism. Totally objective; very active and straight to the point. -- Hunter S. Thompson, 'Fear and Loathing '72' TO+Tna... Had this been an actual emergency, we would have fled in terror, and you would not have been informed.eOFLASH! Intelligence of mankind decreasing. Details at ... uh, when the little hand is on the ....3Everything you read in newspapers is absolutely true, except for that rare story of which you happen to have first-hand knowledge. -- Erwin KnollLEvery journalist has a novel in him, which is an excellent place for it.:{Earth Destroyed by Solar Flare -- film clips at eleven.3mAnd that's the way it is... -- Walter Cronkite5'... And remember: if you don't like the news, go out and make some of your own.' -- 'Scoop' Nisker, KFOG radio reporter Preposterous Wordsf QAn editor is one who separates the wheat from the chaff and prints the chaff. -- Adlai Stevensonw sAll newspaper editorial writers ever do is come down from the hills after the battle is over and shoot the wounded. e Isn't it conceivable to you that an intelligent person could harbor two opposing ideas in his mind? -- Adlai Stevenson, to reporters=In a medium in which a News Piece takes a minute and an 'In-Depth' Piece takes two minutes, the Simple will drive out the Complex. -- Frank MankiewiczY7If you lose your temper at a newspaper columnist, he'll get rich, or famous or both.naIf I were to walk on water, the press would say I'm only doing it because I can't swim. -- Bob StanfieldX5I really look with commiseration over the great body of my fellow citizens who, reading newspapers, live and die in the belief that they have known something of what has been passing in their time. -- H. Truman]?I read the newspaper avidly. It is my one form of continuous fiction. -- Aneurin Bevan:{I only know what I read in the papers. -- Will Rogers -(%#O'No self-respecting fish would want to be wrapped in that kind of paper.' -- Mike Royko on the Chicago Sun-Times after it was taken over by Rupert Murdoch_"C *** NEWSFLASH *** Russian tanks steamrolling through New Jersey!!!! Details at eleven!! Never offend people with style when you can offend them with substance. -- Sam Brown, 'The Washington Post', January 26, 1977n aMy father was a God-fearing man, but he never missed a copy of the New York Times, either. -- E.B. WhiteMost rock journalism is people who can't write interviewing people who can't talk for people who can't read. -- Frank ZappaLJournalism will kill you, but it will keep you alive while you're at it.;}Journalism is literature in a hurry. -- Matthew ArnoldP%Its failings notwithstanding, there is much to be said in favor of journalism in that by giving us the opinion of the uneducated, it keeps us in touch with the ignorance of the community. -- Oscar Wilde hQ%' Once Again From the Top Correction notice in the Miami Herald: 'Last Sunday, The Herald erroneously reported that original Dolphin Johnny Holmes had been an insurance salesman in Raleigh, North Carolina, that he had won the New York lottery in 1982 and lost the money in a land swindle, that he had been charged with vehicular homicide, but acquitted because his mother said she drove the car, and that he stated that the funniest thing he ever saw was Flipper spouting water on George Wilson. Each of these items was erroneous material published inadvertently. He was not an insurance salesman in Raleigh, did not win the lottery, neither he nor his mother was charged or involved in any way with vehicular homicide, and he made no comment about Flipper or George Wilson. The Herald regrets the errors.' -- 'The Progressive', March, 1987$/Of what you see in books, believe 75%. Of newspapers, believe 50%. And of TV news, believe 25% -- make that 5% if the anchorman wears a blazer. JJ(9Photographing a volcano is just about the most miserable thing you can do. -- Robert B. Goodman [Who has clearly never tried to use a PDP-10. Ed.]#'KPeople who are funny and smart and return phone calls get much better press than people who are just funny and smart. -- Howard Simons, 'The Washington Post'q&gOne of the signs of Napoleon's greatness is the fact that he once had a publisher shot. -- Siegfried Unseld ##Z)9 Reporters like Bill Greider from the Washington Post and Him Naughton of the New York Times, for instance, had to file long, detailed, and relatively complex stories every day -- while my own deadline fell every two weeks -- but neither of them ever seemed in a hurry about getting their work done, and from time to time they would try to console me about the terrible pressure I always seemed to be laboring under. Any $100-an-hour psychiatrist could probably explain this problem to me, in thirteen or fourteen sessions, but I don't have time for that. No doubt it has something to do with a deep-seated personality defect, or maybe a kink in whatever blood vessel leads into the pineal gland... On the other hand, it might be something as simple & basically perverse as whatever instinct it is that causes a jackrabbit to wait until the last possible second to dart across the road in front of a speeding car. -- Hunter S. Thompson, 'Fear and Loathing on the Campaign Trail' 11Z/9The world really isn't any worse. It's just that the news coverage is so much better..The only qualities for real success in journalism are ratlike cunning, a plausible manner and a little literary ability. The capacity to steal other people's ideas and phrases ... is also invaluable. -- Nicolas Tomalin, 'Stop the Press, I Want to Get On'-'The New York Times is read by the people who run the country. The Washington Post is read by the people who think they run the country. The National Enquirer is read by the people who think Elvis is alive and running the country ...' -- Robert J Woodheadz,yThe most important service rendered by the press is that of educating people to approach printed matter with distrust. +The American Dental Association announced today that most plaque tends to form on teeth around 4:00 PM in the afternoon. Film at 11:00.U*/The advertisement is the most truthful part of a newspaper. -- Thomas Jefferson xh-4_Warning: Listening to WXRT on April Fools' Day is not recommended for those who are slightly disoriented the first few hours after waking up. -- Chicago Reader 4/22/8339This life is a test. It is only a test. Had this been an actual life, you would have received further instructions as to what to do and where to go.2#This is a test of the Emergency Broadcast System. If this had been an actual emergency, do you really think we'd stick around to tell you?|1}This is a test of the emergency broadcast system. Had there been an actual emergency, then you would no longer be here.0 'Then you admit confirming not denying you ever said that?' 'NO! ... I mean Yes! WHAT?' 'I'll put `maybe.'' -- Bloom County/.~ytoje`[VQLGB=83.)$,]The Tao that can be told is not the eternal Tao. The name that can be named is not the eternal name. The nameless is the beginning of heaven and Earth. The named is the mother of the ten th-O,M+L*J)H(F'D&B%@$?#>"=!; 98765320-+)'&#!         QQ,]The Tao that can be told is not the eternal Tao. The name that can be named is not the eternal name. The nameless is the beginning of heaven and Earth. The named is the mother of the ten thousand things. Ever desireless, one can see the mystery. Ever desiring, one sees the manifestations. These two spring from the same source but differ in name; this appears as darkness. Darkness within darkness. The gate to all mystery. $$Not exalting the gifted prevents quarreling. Not collecting treasures prevents stealing. Not seeing desirable things prevents confusion of the heart. The wise therefore rule by emptying hearts and stuffing bellies, by weakening ambitions and strengthening bones. If men lack knowledge and desire, then clever people will not try to interfere. If nothing is done, then all will be well.Q'Under heaven all can see beauty as beauty only because there is ugliness. All can know good as good only because there is evil. Therefore having and not having arise together. Difficult and easy complement each other. Long and short contrast each other: High and low rest upon each other; Voice and sound harmonize each other; Front and back follow one another. Therefore the sage goes about doing nothing, teaching no-talking. The ten thousand things rise and fall without cease, Creating, yet not. Working, yet not taking credit. Work is done, then forgotten. Therefore it lasts forever. )WThe valley spirit never dies; It is the woman, primal mother. Her gateway is the root of heaven and Earth. It is like a veil barely seen. Use it; it will never fail.?Heaven and Earth are impartial; They see the ten thousand things as straw dogs. The wise are impartial; They see the people as straw dogs. The space between heaven and Earth is like a bellows. The shape changes but not the form; The more it moves, the more it yields. More words count less. Hold fast to the center. EThe Tao is an empty vessel; it is used, but never filled. Oh, unfathomable source of ten thousand things! Blunt the sharpness, Untangle the knot, Soften the glare, Merge with dust. Oh, hidden deep but ever present! I do not know from whence it comes. It is the forefather of the gods. lzl Better to stop short than fill to the brim. Oversharpen the blade, and the edge will soon blunt. Amass a store of gold and jade, and no one can protect it. Claim wealth and titles, and disaster will follow. Retire when the work is done. This is the way of heaven.3The highest good is like water. Water give life to the ten thousand things and does not strive. It flows in places men reject and so is like the Tao. In dwelling, be close to the land. In meditation, go deep in the heart. In dealing with others, be gentle and kind. In speech, be true. In ruling, be just. In daily life, be competent. In action, be aware of the time and the season. No fight: No blame.iWHeaven and Earth last forever. Why do heaven and Earth last forever? They are unborn, So ever living. The sage stays behind, thus he is ahead. He is detached, thus at one with all. Through selfless action, he attains fulfillment. 2 iThirty spokes share the wheel's hub; It is the center hole that makes it useful. Shape clay into a vessel; It is the space within that makes it useful. Cut doors and windows for a room; It is the holes which make it useful. Therefore benefit comes from what is there; Usefulness from what is not there.7 sCarrying body and soul and embracing the one, Can you avoid separation? Attending fully and becoming supple, Can you be as a newborn babe? Washing and cleansing the primal vision, Can you be without stain? Loving all men and ruling the country, Can you be without cleverness? Opening and closing the gates of heaven, Can you play the role of woman? Understanding and being open to all things, Are you able to do nothing? Giving birth and nourishing, Bearing yet not possessing, Working yet not taking credit, Leading yet not dominating, This is the Primal Virtue.  )Accept disgrace willingly. Accept misfortune as the human condition. What do you mean by 'Accept disgrace willingly'? Accept being unimportant. Do not be concerned with loss or gain. This is called 'accepting disgrace willingly.' What do you mean by 'Accept misfortune as the human condition'? Misfortune comes from having a body. Without a body, how could there be misfortune? Surrender yourself humbly; then you can be trusted to care for all things. Love the world as your own self; then you can truly care for all things. +The five colors blind the eye. The five tones deafen the ear. The five flavors dull the taste. Racing and hunting madden the mind. Precious things lead one astray. Therefore the sage is guided by what he feels and not by what he sees. He lets go of that and chooses this. bILook, it cannot be seen - it is beyond form. Listen, it cannot be heard - it is beyond sound. Grasp, it cannot be held - it is intangible. These three are indefinable; Therefore they are joined in one. From above it is not bright; From below it is not dark: An unbroken thread beyond description. It returns to nothingness. The form of the formless, The image of the imageless, It is called indefinable and beyond imagination. Stand before it and there is no beginning. Follow it and there is no end. Stay with the ancient Tao, Move with the present. Knowing the ancient beginning is the essence of Tao. ocThe ancient masters were subtle, mysterious, profound, responsive. The depth of their knowledge is unfathomable. Because it is unfathomable, All we can do is describe their appearance. Watchful, like men crossing a winter stream. Alert, like men aware of danger. Courteous, like visiting guests. Yielding like ice about to melt. Simple, like uncarved blocks of wood. Hollow, like caves. Opaque, like muddy pools. Who can wait quietly while the mud settles? Who can remain still until the moment of action? Observers of the Tao do not seek fulfillment. Not seeking fulfillment, they are not swayed by desire for change. YfY The very highest if barely known. Then comes that which people know and love. Then that which is feared, Then that which is despised. Who does not trust enough will not be trusted. When actions are performed Without unnecessary speech, People say, 'We did it!'3Empty yourself of everything. Let the mind become still. The ten thousand things rise and fall while the Self watches their return. They grow and flourish and then return to the source. Returning to the source is stillness, which is the way of nature. The way of nature is unchanging. Knowing constancy is insight. Not knowing constancy leads to disaster. Knowing constancy, the mind is open. With an open mind, you will be openhearted. Being openhearted, you will act royally. Being royal, you will attain the divine. Being divine, you will be at one with the Tao. Being at one with the Tao is eternal. And though the body dies, the Tao will never pass away. ))?Give up sainthood, renounce wisdom, And it will be a hundred times better for everyone. Give up kindness, renounce morality, And men will rediscover filial piety and love. Give up ingenuity, renounce profit, And bandits and thieves will disappear. These three are outward forms alone; they are not sufficient in themselves. It is more important To see the simplicity, To realize one's true nature, To cast off selfishness And temper desire.)When the great Tao is forgotten, Kindness and morality arise. When wisdom and intelligence are born, The great pretense begins. When there is no peace within the family, Filial piety and devotion arise. When the country is confused and in chaos, Loyal ministers appear. W3Give up learning, and put an end to your troubles. Is there a difference between yes and no? Is there a difference between good and evil? Must I fear what others fear? What nonsense! Other people are contented, enjoying the sacrificial feast of the ox. In spring some go to the park, and climb the terrace, But I alone am drifting, not knowing where I am. Like a newborn babe before it learns to smile, I am alone, without a place to go. Others have more than they need, but I alone have nothing. I am a fool. Oh, yes! I am confused. Others are clear and bright, But I alone am dim and weak. Others are sharp and clever, But I alone am dull and stupid. Oh, I drift like the waves of the sea, Without direction, like the restless wind. Everyone else is busy, But I alone am aimless and depressed. I am different. I am nourished by the great mother. 0?Yield and overcome; Bend and be straight; Empty and be full; Wear out and be new; Have little and gain; Have much and be confused. Therefore the wise embrace the one And set an example to all. Not putting on a display, They shine forth. Not justifying themselves, They are distinguished. Not boasting, They receive recognition. Not bragging, They never falter. They do not quarrel, So no one quarrels with them. Therefore the ancients say, 'Yield and overcome.' Is that an empty saying? Be really whole, And all things will come to you.MThe greatest Virtue is to follow Tao and Tao alone. The Tao is elusive and intangible. Oh, it is intangible and elusive, and yet within is image. Oh, it is elusive and intangible, and yet within is form. Oh, it is dim and dark, and yet within is essence. This essence is very real, and therein lies faith. From the very beginning until now its name has never been forgotten. Thus I perceive the creation. How do I know the ways of creation? Because of this. MMHe who stands on tiptoe is not steady. He who strides cannot maintain the pace. He who makes a show is not enlightened. He who is self-righteous is not respected. He who boasts achieves nothing. He who brags will not endure. According to followers of the Tao, 'These are extra food and unnecessary luggage.' They do not bring happiness. therefore followers of the Tao avoid them..aTo talk little is natural. High winds do not last all morning. Heavy rain does not last all day. Why is this? Heaven and Earth! If heaven and Earth cannot make things eternal, How is it possible for man? He who follows the Tao Is at one with the Tao. He who is virtuous Experiences Virtue. He who loses the way Is lost. When you are at one with the Tao, The Tao welcomes you. When you are at one with Virtue, The Virtue is always there. When you are at one with loss, The loss is experienced willingly. He who does not trust enough Will not be trusted. $$uoThe heavy is the root of the light. The still is the master of unrest. Therefore the sage, traveling all day, Does not lose sight of his baggage. Though there are beautiful things to be seen, He remains unattached and calm. Why should the lord of ten thousand chariots act lightly in public? To be light is to lose one's root. To be restless is to lose one's control.aGSomething mysteriously formed, Born before heaven and Earth. In the silence and the void, Standing alone and unchanging, Ever present and in motion. Perhaps it is the mother of ten thousand things. I do not know its name Call it Tao. For lack of a better word, I call it great. Being great, it flows I flows far away. Having gone far, it returns. Therefore, 'Tao is great; Heaven is great; Earth is great; The king is also great.' These are the four great powers of the universe, And the king is one of them. Man follows Earth. Earth follows heaven. Heaven follows the Tao. Tao follows what is natural. FA good walker leaves no tracks; A good speaker makes no slips; A good reckoner needs no tally. A good door needs no lock, Yet no one can open it. Good binding requires no knots, Yet no one can loosen it. Therefore the sage takes care of all men And abandons no one. He takes care of all things And abandons nothing. This is called 'following the light.' What is a good man? A teacher of a bad man. What is a bad man? A good man's charge. If the teacher is not respected, And the student not cared for, Confusion will arise, however clever one is. This is the crux of mystery. m_Know the strength of man, But keep a woman's care! Be the stream of the universe! Being the stream of the universe, Ever true and unswerving, Become as a little child once more. Know the white, But keep the black! Be an example to the world! Being an example to the world, Ever true and unwavering, Return to the infinite. Know honor, Yet keep humility. Be the valley of the universe! Being the valley of the universe, Ever true and resourceful, Return to the state of the uncarved block. When the block is carved, it becomes useful. When the sage uses it, he becomes the ruler. Thus, 'A great tailor cuts little.' vqDo you think you can take over the universe and improve it? I do not believe it can be done. The universe is sacred. You cannot improve it. If you try to change it, you will ruin it. If you try to hold it, you will lose it. So sometimes things are ahead and sometimes they are behind; Sometimes breathing is hard, sometimes it comes easily; Sometimes there is strength and sometimes weakness; Sometimes one is up and sometimes down. Therefore the sage avoids extremes, excesses, and complacency. ywWhenever you advise a ruler in the way of Tao, Counsel him not to use force to conquer the universe. For this would only cause resistance. Thorn bushes spring up wherever the army has passed. Lean years follow in the wake of a great war. Just do what needs to be done. Never take advantage of power. Achieve results, But never glory in them. Achieve results, But never boast. Achieve results, But never be proud. Achieve results, Because this is the natural way. Achieve results, But not through violence. Force is followed by loss of strength. This is not the way of Tao. That which goes against the Tao comes to an early end. 1gGood weapons are instruments of fear; all creatures hate them. Therefore followers of Tao never use them. The wise man prefers the left. The man of war prefers the right. Weapons are instruments of fear; they are not a wise man's tools. He uses them only when he has no choice. Peace and quiet are dear to his heart, And victory no cause for rejoicing. If you rejoice in victory, then you delight in killing; If you delight in killing, you cannot fulfill yourself. On happy occasions precedence is given to the left, On sad occasions to the right. In the army the general stands on the left, The commander-in-chief on the right. This means that war is conducted like a funeral. When many people are being killed, They should be mourned in heartfelt sorrow. That is why a victory must be observed like a funeral. $!MKnowing others is wisdom; Knowing the self is enlightenment. Mastering others requires force; Mastering the self needs strength. He who knows he has enough is rich. Perseverance is a sign of willpower. He who stays where he is endures. To die but not to perish is to be eternally present._ CThe Tao is forever undefined. Small though it is in the unformed state, it cannot be grasped. If kings and lords could harness it, The ten thousand things would come together And gentle rain fall. Men would need no more instruction and all things would take their course. Once the whole is divided, the parts need names. There are already enough names. One must know when to stop. Knowing when to stop averts trouble. Tao in the world is like a river flowing home to the sea. ?T?#)All men will come to him who keeps to the one, For there lie rest and happiness and peace. Passersby may stop for music and good food, But a description of the Tao Seems without substance or flavor. It cannot be seen, it cannot be heard, And yet it cannot be exhausted.)"WThe great Tao flows everywhere, both to the left and to the right. The ten thousand things depend upon it; it holds nothing back. It fulfills its purpose silently and makes no claim. It nourishes the ten thousand things, And yet is not their lord. It has no aim; it is very small. The ten thousand things return to it, Yet it is not their lord. It is very great. It does not show greatness, And is therefore truly great. \`&EA truly good man is not aware of his goodness, And is therefore good. A foolish man tries to be gooL%Tao abides in non-action, Yet nothing is left undone. If kings and lords observed this, The ten thousand things would develop naturally. If they still desired to act, They would return to the simplicity of formless substance. Without for there is no desire. Without desire there is. And in this way all things would be at peace.R$)That which shrinks Must first expand. That which fails Must first be strong. That which is cast down Must first be raised. Before receiving There must be giving. This is called perception of the nature of things. Soft and weak overcome hard and strong. Fish cannot leave deep waters, And a country's weapons should not be displayed.d, And is therefore not good. A truly good man does nothing, Yet leaves nothing undone. A foolish man is always doing, Yet much remains to be done. When a truly kind man does something, he leaves nothing undone. When a just man does something, he leaves a great deal to be done. When a disciplinarian does something and no one responds, He rolls up his sleeves in an attempt to enforce order. Therefore when Tao is lost, there is goodness. When goodness is lost, there is kindness. When kindness is lost, there is justice. When justice is lost, there ritual. Now ritual is the husk of faith and loyalty, the beginning of confusion. Knowledge of the future is only a flowery trapping of Tao. It is the beginning of folly. Therefore the truly great man dwells on what is real and not what is on the surface, On the fruit and not the flower. Therefore accept the one and reject the other. OO.'aThese things from ancient times arise from one: The sky is whole and clear. The earth is whole and firm. The spirit is whole and strong. The valley is whole and full. The ten thousand things are whole and alive. Kings and lords are whole, and the country is upright. All these are in virtue of wholeness. The clarity of the sky prevents its falling. The firmness of the earth prevents its splitting. The strength of the spirit prevents its being used up. The fullness of the valley prevents its running dry. The growth of the ten thousand things prevents their drying out. The leadership of kings and lords prevents the downfall of the country. Therefore the humble is the root of the noble. The low is the foundation of the high. Princes and lords consider themselves 'orphaned', 'widowed' and 'worthless'. Do they not depend on being humble? Too much success is not an advantage. Do not tinkle like jade Or clatter like stone chimes. oi)WThe wise student hears of the Tao and practices it diligently. The average student hears of the Tao and gives it thought now and again. The foolish student hears of the Tao and laughs aloud. If there were no laughter, the Tao would not be what it is. Hence it is said: The bright path seems dim; Going forward seems like retreat; The easy way seems hard; The highest Virtue seems empty; Great purity seems sullied; A wealth of Virtue seems inadequate; The strength of Virtue seems frail; Real Virtue seems unreal; The perfect square has no corners; Great talents ripen late; The highest notes are hard to hear; The greatest form has no shape; The Tao is hidden and without name. The Tao alone nourishes and brings everything to fulfillment.(!Returning is the motion of the Tao. Yielding is the way of the Tao. The ten thousand things are born of being. Being is born of not being. ! !|+}The softest thing in the universe Overcomes the hardest thing in the universe. That without substance can enter where there is no room. Hence I know the value of non-action. Teaching without words and work without doing Are understood by very few.]*?The Tao begot one. One begot two. Two begot three. And three begot the ten thousand things. The ten thousand things carry yin and embrace yang. They achieve harmony by combining these forces. Men hate to be 'orphaned,' 'widowed,' or 'worthless,' But this is how kings and lords describe themselves. For one gains by losing And loses by gaining. What others teach, I also teach; that is: 'A violent man will die a violent death!' This will be the essence of my teaching. UU]-?Great accomplishment seems imperfect, Yet it does not outlive its usefulness. Great fullness seems empty, Yet cannot be exhausted. Great straightness seems twisted. Great intelligence seems stupid. Great eloquence seems awkward. Movement overcomes cold. Stillness overcomes heat. Stillness and tranquillity set things in order in the universe.H,Fame or self: Which matters more? Self or wealth: Which is more precious? Gain or loss: Which is more painful? He who is attached to things will suffer much. He who saves will suffer heavy loss. A contented man is never disappointed. He who knows when to stop does not find himself in trouble. He will stay forever safe. ii60qIn the pursuit of learning, every day something is acquired. In the pursuit of Tao, every day something is dropped. Less and less is done Until non-action is achieved. When nothing is done, nothing is left undone. The world is ruled by letting things take their course. It cannot be ruled by interfering.|/}Without going outside, you may know the whole world. Without looking through the window, you may see the ways of heaven. The farther you go, the less you know. Thus the sage knows without traveling; He sees without looking; He works without doing.\.=When the Tao is present in the universe, The horses haul manure. When the Tao is absent from the universe, War horses are bred outside the city. There is no greater sin than desire, No greater curse than discontent, No greater misfortune than wanting something for oneself. Therefore he who knows that enough is enough will always have enough. 4R42;Between birth and death, Three in ten are followers of life, Three in ten are followers of death, And men just passing from birth to death also number three in ten. Why is this so? Because they live their lives on the gross level. He who knows how to live can walk abroad Without fear of rhinoceros or tiger. He will not be wounded in battle. For in him rhinoceroses can find no place to thrust their horn, Tigers no place to use their claws, And weapons no place to pierce. Why is this so? Because he has no place for death to enter.+1[The sage has no mind of his own. He is aware of the needs of others. I am good to people who are good. I am also good to people who are not good. Because Virtue is goodness. I have faith in people who are faithful. I also have faith in people who are not faithful. Because Virtue is faithfulness. The sage is shy and humble - to the world he seems confusing. Others look to him and listen. He behaves like a little child. 3All things arise from Tao. They are nourished by Virtue. They are formed from matter. They are shaped by environment. Thus the ten thousand things all respect Tao and honor Virtue. Respect of Tao and honor of Virtue are not demanded, But they are in the nature of things. Therefore all things arise from Tao. By Virtue they are nourished, Developed, cared for, Sheltered, comforted, Grown, and protected. Creating without claiming, Doing without taking credit, Guiding without interfering, This is Primal Virtue. ++c5KIf I have even just a little sense, I will walk on the main road and my only fear will be of straying from it. Keeping to the main road is easy, But people love to be sidetracked. When the court is arrayed in splendor, The fields are full of weeds, And the granaries are bare. Some wear gorgeous clothes, Carry sharp swords, And indulge themselves with food and drink; They have more possessions than they can use. They are robber barons. This is certainly not the way of Tao.l4]The beginning of the universe Is the mother of all things. Knowing the mother, on also knows the sons. Knowing the sons, yet remaining in touch with the mother, Brings freedom from the fear of death. Keep your mouth shut, Guard the senses, And life is ever full. Open your mouth, Always be busy, And life is beyond hope. Seeing the small is insight; Yielding to force is strength. Using the outer light, return to insight, And in this way be saved from harm. This is learning constancy. |6}What is firmly established cannot be uprooted. What is firmly grasped cannot slip away. It will be honored from generation to generation. Cultivate Virtue in your self, And Virtue will be real. Cultivate it in the family, And Virtue will abound. Cultivate it in the village, And Virtue will grow. Cultivate it in the nation, And Virtue will be abundant. Cultivate it in the universe, And Virtue will be everywhere. Therefore look at the body as body; Look at the family as family; Look at the village as village; Look at the nation as nation; Look at the universe as universe. How do I know the universe is like this? By looking! pp 7He who is filled with Virtue is like a newborn child. Wasps and serpents will not sting him; Wild beasts will not pounce upon him; He will not be attacked by birds of prey. His bones are soft, his muscles weak, But his grip is firm. He has not experienced the union of man and woman, but is whole. His manhood is strong. He screams all day without becoming hoarse. This is perfect harmony. Knowing harmony is constancy. Knowing constancy is enlightenment. It is not wise to rush about. Controlling the breath causes strain. If too much energy is used, exhaustion follows. This is not the way of Tao. Whatever is contrary to Tao will not last long. ss 8Those who know do not talk. Those who talk do not know. Keep your mouth closed. Guard your senses. Temper your sharpness. Simplify your problems. Mask your brightness. Be at one with the dust of the Earth. This is primal union. He who has achieved this state Is unconcerned with friends and enemies, With good and harm, with honor and disgrace. This therefore is the highest state of man. {9{Rule a nation with justice. Wage war with surprise moves. Become master of the universe without striving. How do I know that this is so? Because of this! The more laws and restrictions there are, The poorer people become. The sharper men's weapons, The more trouble in the land. The more ingenious and clever men are, The more strange things happen. The more rules and regulations, The more thieves and robbers. Therefore the sage says: I take no action and people are reformed. I enjoy peace and people become honest. I do nothing and people become rich. I have no desires and people return to the good and simple life. y;wIn caring for others and serving heaven, There is nothing like using restraint. Restraint begins with giving up one's own ideas. This depends on Virtue gathered in the past. If there is a good store of Virtue, then nothing is impossible. If nothing is impossible, then there are no limits. If a man knows no limits, then he is fit to be a ruler. The mother principle of ruling holds good for a long time. This is called having deep roots and a firm foundation, The Tao of long life and eternal vision.h:UWhen the country is ruled with a light hand The people are simple. When the country is ruled with severity, The people are cunning. Happiness is rooted in misery. Misery lurks beneath happiness. Who knows what the future holds? There is no honesty. Honesty becomes dishonest. Goodness becomes witchcraft. Man's bewitchment lasts for a long time. Therefore the sage is sharp but not cutting, Pointed but not piercing, Straightforward but not unrestrained, Brilliant but not blinding. rrO=#A great country is like low land. It is the meeting ground of the universe, The mother of the universe. The female overcomes the male with stillness, Lying low in stillness. Therefore if a great country gives way to a smaller country, It will conquer the smaller country. And if a small country submits to a great country, It can conquer the great country. Therefore those who would conquer must yield, And those who conquer do so because they yield. A great nation needs more people; A small country needs to serve. Each gets what it wants. It is fitting for a great nation to yield.9<wRuling the country is like cooking a small fish. Approach the universe with Tao, And evil is not powerful, But its power will not be used to harm others. Not only will it do no harm to others, But the sage himself will also be protected. They do not hurt each other, And the Virtue in each one refreshes both. +>[Tao is source of the ten thousand things. It is the treasure of the good man, and the refuge of the bad. Sweet words can buy honor; Good deeds can gain respect. If a man is bad, do not abandon him. Therefore on the day the emperor is crowned, Or the three officers of state installed, Do not send a gift of jade and a team of four horses, But remain still and offer the Tao. Why does everyone like the Tao so much at first? Isn't it because you find what you seek and are forgiven when you sin? Therefore this is the greatest treasure of the universe. 4?mPractice non-action. Work without doing. Taste the tasteless. Magnify the small, increase the few. Reward bitterness with care. See simplicity in the complicated. Achieve greatness in little things. In the universe the difficult things are done as if they are easy. In the universe great acts are made up of small deeds. The sage does not attempt anything very big, And thus achieved greatness. Easy promises make for little trust. Taking things lightly results in great difficulty. Because the sage always confronts difficulties, He never experiences them. RR+@[Peace is easily maintained; Trouble is easily overcome before it starts. The brittle is easily shattered; The small is easily scattered. Deal with it before it happens. Set things in order before there is confusion. A tree as great as a man's embrace springs up from a small shoot; A terrace nine stories high begins with a pile of earth; A journey of a thousand miles starts under one's feet. He who acts defeats his own purpose; He who grasps loses. The sage does not act, and so is not defeated. He does not grasp and therefore does not lose. People usually fail when they are on the verge of success. So give as much care to the end as to the beginning; Then there will be no failure. Therefore the sage seeks freedom from desire. He does not collect precious things. He learns not to hold on to ideas. He brings men back to what they have lost. He help the ten thousand things find their own nature, But refrains from action. ~Z~YB7Why is the sea king of a hundred streams? Because it lies below them. Therefore it is the king of a hundred streams. If the sage would guide the people, he must serve with humility. If he would lead them, he must follow behind. In this way when the sage rules, the people will not feel oppressed; When he stands before them, they will not be harmed. The whole world will support him and will not tire of him. Because he does not compete, He does not meet competition.#AKIn the beginning those who knew the Tao did not try to enlighten others, But kept it hidden. Why is it so hard to rule? Because people are so clever. Rulers who try to use cleverness Cheat the country. Those who rule without cleverness Are a blessing to the land. These are the two alternatives. Understanding these is Primal Virtue. Primal Virtue is deep and far. It leads all things back Toward the great oneness. 3T3DAA good soldier is not violent. A good fighter is not angry. A good winner is not vengeful A good employer is humble. This is known as the Virtue of not striving. This is known as ability to deal with people. This since ancient times has been known as the ultimate unity with heaven.)CWEveryone under heaven says that my Tao is great and beyond compare. Because it is great, it seems different. If it were not different, it would have vanished long ago. I have three treasures which I hold and keep. The first is mercy; the second is economy; The third is daring not to be ahead of others. From mercy comes courage; from economy comes generosity; From humility comes leadership. Nowadays men shun mercy, but try to be brave; They abandon economy, but try to be generous; They do not believe in humility, but always try to be first. This is certain death. Mercy brings victory in battle and strength in defense. It is the means by which heaven saves and guards. rFiMy words are easy to understand and easy to perform, Yet no man under heaven knows them or practices them. My words have ancient beginnings. My actions are disciplined. Because men do not understand, they have no knowledge of me. Those that know me are few; Those that abuse me are honored. Therefore the sage wears rough clothing and holds the jewel in his heart.EThere is a saying among soldiers: I dare not make the first move but would rather play the guest; I dare not advance an inch but would rather withdraw a foot. This is called marching without appearing to move, Rolling up your sleeves without showing your arm, Capturing the enemy without attacking, Being armed without weapons. There is no greater catastrophe than underestimating the enemy. By underestimating the enemy, I almost lost what I value. Therefore when the battle is joined, The underdog will win.  9 *HYWhen men lack a sense of awe, there will be disaster. Do not intrude in their homes. Do not harass them at work. If you do not interfere, they will not weary of you. Therefore the sage knows himself but makes no show, Has self-respect but is not arrogant. He lets go of that and chooses this.DG Knowing ignorance is strength. Ignoring knowledge is sickness. If one is sick of sickness, then one is not sick. The sage is not sick because he is sick of sickness. Therefore he is not sick. JJ!JGIf men are not afraid to die, It is no avail to threaten them with death. If men live in constant fear of dying, And if breaking the law means that a man will be killed, Who will dare to break the law? There is always an official executioner. If you try to take his place, It is like trying to be a master carpenter and cutting wood. If you try to cut wood like a master carpenter, you will only hurt your hand.I#A brave and passionate man will kill or be killed. A brave and calm man will always preserve life. Of these two which is good and which is harmful? Some things are not favored by heaven. Who knows why? Even the sage is unsure of this. The Tao of heaven does not strive, and yet it overcomes. It does not speak, and yet is answered. It does not ask, yet is supplied with all its needs. It seems to have no aim and yet its purpose is fulfilled. Heaven's net casts wide. Though its meshes are course, nothing slips through. [-L_A man is born gentle and weak. At his death he is hard and stiff. Green plants are tender and filled with sap. At their death they are withered and dry. Therefore the stiff and unbending is the disciple of death. The gentle and yielding is the disciple of life. Thus an army without flexibility never wins a battle. A tree that is unbending is easily broken. The hard and strong will fall. The soft and weak will overcome."KIWhy are the people starving? Because the rulers eat up the money in taxes. Therefore the people are starving. Why are the people rebellious? Because the rulers interfere too much. Therefore they are rebellious. Why do the people think so little of death? Because the rulers demand too much of life. Therefore the people take death lightly. Having little to live on, one knows better than to value life too much. gMSThe Tao of heaven is like the bending of a bow. The high is lowered, and the low is raised. If the string is too long, it is shortened; If there is not enough, it is made longer. The Tao of heaven is to take from those who have too much and give to those who do not have enough. Man's way is different. He takes from those who do not have enough and give to those who already have too much. What man has more than enough and gives it to the world? Only the man of Tao. Therefore the sage works without recognition. He achieves what has to be done without dwelling on it. He does not try to show his knowledge.  NO!After a bitter quarrel, some resentment must remain. What can one do about it? Therefore the sage keeps his half of the bargain But does not exact his due. A man of Virtue performs his part, But a man without Virtue requires others to fulfill their obligations. The Tao of heaven is impartial. It stays with good men all the time.tNmUnder heaven nothing is more soft and yielding than water. Yet for attacking the solid and strong, nothing is better; It has no equal. The weak can overcome the strong; The supple can overcome the stiff. Under heaven everyone knows this, Yet no one puts it into practice. Therefore the sage says: He who takes upon himself the humiliation of the people is fit to rule them. He who takes upon himself the country's disasters deserves to be king of the universe. The truth often sounds paradoxical. tt PA small country has fewer people. Though there are machines that can work ten to a hundred times faster than man, they are not needed. The people take death seriously and do not travel far. Though they have boats and carriages, no one uses them. Though they have armor and weapons, no one displays them. Men return to the knotting of rope in place of writing. Their food is plain and good, their clothes fine but simple, their homes secure; They are happy in their ways. Though they live within sight of their neighbors, And crowing cocks and barking dogs are heard across the way, Yet they leave each other in peace while they grow old and die.9r~ytoje`[VQLF@:4.(" s lawyers more than he hates his wife.'SA Dublin lawyer died in poverty and many barristers of the city subscribed to a fund for his funeral. The Lord Chief Justice of Orbury was asked to donate a shilling. 'Only a shilling?' exclaimed the man. 'Only a shilling to bury an attorney? Here's a guinea; go and bury twenty of them.'zyA doctor was stranded with a lawyer in a leaky life raft in shark-infested waters. The doctor tried to swim ashore but was eaten by the sharks. The lawyer, however, swam safely past the bloodthirsty sharks. 'Professional courtesy,' he explained.WpDoAn@l>k:j8i5g2e,d&c"b a`_^]\[ ZYX}WzVtTmSgRcQbPaO`N]MYLRKMJHIEHCGAF>E:D7C3B2A0@.>-<';#:!98765 4 32ame time, a blind snake was slithering through the same forest, with identical results. They chanced to collide head-on in a clearing. 'Please excuse me, sir, I'm blind and I bumped into you accidentally,' apologized the rabbit. 'That's quite all right,' replied the snake, 'I have the same problem!' 'All my life I've been wondering what I am,' said the rabbit, 'Do you think you could help me find out?' 'I'll try,' said the snake. He gently coiled himself around the rabbit. 'Well, you're covered with soft fur, you have a little fluffy tail and long ears. You're... hmmm... you're probably a bunny rabbit!' 'Great!' said the rabbit. 'Thanks, I really owe you one!' 'Well,' replied the snake, 'I don't know what I am, either. Do you suppose you could try and tell me?' The rabbit ran his paws all over the snake. 'Well, you're low, cold and slimey...' And, as he ran one paw underneath the snake, 'and you have no balls. You must be an attorney!'aps and occasional handouts from the bartender. One evening, emboldened by hunger, the feline attempted to follow Gabe through the back door. Regrettably, only the his body had made it through when the door slammed shut, severing the cat's tail at its base. This proved too much for the old creature, who looked sadly at Gabe and expired on the spot. Gabe put the carcass back out in the alley and went back to business. The mandatory closing time arrived and Gabe was in the process of locking up after the last customers had gone. Approaching the back door he was startled to see an apparition of the old cat mournfully holding its severed tail out, silently pleading for Gabe to put the tail back on its corpse so that it could go on to the kitty afterworld complete. Gabe shook his head sadly and said to the ghost, 'I can't. You know the law -- no retailing spirits after 2:00 AM.' C$C_CA friend of mine won't get a divorce, because he hates lawyers more than he hates his wife.'SA Dublin lawyer died in poverty and many barristers of the city subscribed to a fund for his funeral. The Lord Chief Justice of Orbury was asked to donate a shilling. 'Only a shilling?' exclaimed the man. 'Only a shilling to bury an attorney? Here's a guinea; go and bury twenty of them.'zyA doctor was stranded with a lawyer in a leaky life raft in shark-infested waters. The doctor tried to swim ashore but was eaten by the sharks. The lawyer, however, swam safely past the bloodthirsty sharks. 'Professional courtesy,' he explained.W3A countryman between two lawyers is like a fish between two cats. -- Ben FranklindMA certain old cat had made his home in the alley behind Gabe's bar for some time, subsisting on scr1+[A blind rabbit was hopping through the woods, tripping over logs and crashing into trees. At the s0 F A grade school teacher was asking students what their parents did for a living. 'Tim, you be first,' she said. 'What does your mother do all day?' Tim stood up and proudly said, 'She's a doctor.' 'That's wonderful. How about you, Amie?' Amie shyly stood up, scuffed her feet and said, 'My father is a mailman.' 'Thank you, Amie,' said the teacher. 'What about your father, Billy?' Billy proudly stood up and announced, 'My daddy plays piano in a whorehouse.' The teacher was aghast and promptly changed the subject to geography. Later that day she went to Billy's house and rang the bell. Billy's father answered the door. The teacher explained what his son had said and demanded an explanation. Billy's father replied, 'Well, I'm really an attorney. But how do you explain a thing like that to a seven-year-old child?' TTc KA jury consists of twelve persons chosen to decide who has the better lawyer. -- Robert FrostD A housewife, an accountant and a lawyer were asked to add 2 and 2. The housewife replied, 'Four!'. The accountant said, 'It's either 3 or 4. Let me run those figures through my spread sheet one more time.' The lawyer pulled the drapes, dimmed the lights and asked in a hushed voice, 'How much do you want it to be?' 669 w A Los Angeles judge ruled that 'a citizen may snore with immunity in his own home, even though he may be in possession of unusual and exceptional ability in that particular field.'8 uA Los Angeles judge ruled that 'a citizen may snore with immunity in his own home, even though he may be in possession of unusual and exceptional ability in that particular field.'P % A lawyer named Strange was shopping for a tombstone. After he had made his selection, the stonecutter asked him what inscription he would like on it. 'Here lies an honest man and a lawyer,' responded the lawyer. 'Sorry, but I can't do that,' replied the stonecutter. 'In this state, it's against the law to bury two people in the same grave. However, I could put ``here lies an honest lawyer'', if that would be okay.' 'But that won't let people know who it is' protested the lawyer. 'Certainly will,' retorted the stonecutter. 'people will read it and exclaim, 'That's Strange!' $]9GA small town that cannot support one lawyer can always support two.5A Riverside, California, health ordinance states that two persons may not kiss each other without first wiping their lips with carbolized rosewater.A New York City ordinance prohibits the shooting of rabbits from the rear of a Third Avenue street car -- if the car is in motion.D A New York City judge ruled that if two women behind you at the movies insist on discussing the probable outcome of the film, you have the right to turn around and blow a Bronx cheer at them.Y 7 A man walked into a bar with his alligator and asked the bartender, 'Do you serve lawyers here?'. 'Sure do,' replied the bartender. 'Good,' said the man. 'Give me a beer, and I'll have a lawyer for my 'gator.' m|m After 35 years, I have finished a comprehensive study of European comparative law. In Germany, under the law, everything is prohibited, except that which is permitted. In France, under the law, everything is permitted, except that which is prohibited. In the Soviet Union, under the law, everything is prohibited, including that which is permitted. And in Italy, under the law, everything is permitted, especially that which is prohibited. -- Newton Minow, Speech to the Association of American Law Schools, 1985X5According to Kentucky state law, every person must take a bath at least once a year.'SAccording to Arkansas law, Section 4761, Pope's Digest: 'No person shall be permitted under any pretext whatever, to come nearer than fifty feet of any door or window of any polling room, from the opening of the polls until the completion of the count and the certification of the returns.' +[An amendment to a motion may be amended, but an amendment to an amendment to a motion may not be amended. However, a substitute for an amendment to and amendment to a motion may be adopted and the substitute may be amended. -- The Montana legislature's contribution to the English language.# After his Ignoble Disgrace, Satan was being expelled from Heaven. As he passed through the Gates, he paused a moment in thought, and turned to God and said, 'A new creature called Man, I hear, is soon to be created.' 'This is true,' He replied. 'He will need laws,' said the Demon slyly. 'What! You, his appointed Enemy for all Time! You ask for the right to make his laws?' 'Oh, no!' Satan replied, 'I ask only that he be allowed to make his own.' It was so granted. -- Ambrose Bierce, 'The Devil's Dictionary' /xu/D Anti-trust laws should be approached with exactly that attitude.$MAnother day, another dollar. -- Vincent J. Fuller, defense lawyer for John Hinckley, upon Hinckley's acquittal for shooting President Ronald Reagan.Z9And then there was the lawyer that stepped in cow manure and thought he was melting...An English judge, growing weary of the barrister's long-winded summation, leaned over the bench and remarked, 'I've heard your arguments, Sir Geoffrey, and I'm none the wiser!' Sir Geoffrey responded, 'That may be, Milord, but at least you're better informed!'zyAn attorney was defending his client against a charge of first-degree murder. 'Your Honor, my client is accused of stuffing his lover's mutilated body into a suitcase and heading for the Mexican border. Just north of Tijuana a cop spotted her hand sticking out of the suitcase. Now, I would like to stress that my client is *___not* a murderer. A sloppy packer, maybe...' ^f^H!Between grand theft and a legal fee, there only stands a law degree.; {Being a miner, as soon as you're too old and tired and sick and stupid to do your job properly, you have to go, where the very opposite applies with the judges. -- Beyond the FringeP%Behold the warranty -- the bold print giveth and the fine print taketh away.bIBe frank and explicit with your lawyer ... it is his business to confuse the issue afterwards.Attorney General Edwin Meese III explained why the Supreme Court's Miranda decision (holding that subjects have a right to remain silent and have a lawyer present during questioning) is unnecessary: 'You don't have many suspects who are innocent of a crime. That's contradictory. If a person is innocent of a crime, then he is not a suspect.' -- U.S. News and World Report, 10/14/85Y7Atlanta makes it against the law to tie a giraffe to a telephone pole or street lamp. eb#ICarmel, New York, has an ordinance forbidding men to wear coats and trousers that don't match."5... but as records of courts and justice are admissible, it can easily be proved that powerful and malevolent magicians once existed and were a scourge to mankind. The evidence (including confession) upon which certain women were convicted of witchcraft and executed was without a flaw; it is still unimpeachable. The judges' decisions based on it were sound in logic and in law. Nothing in any existing court was ever more thoroughly proved than the charges of witchcraft and sorcery for which so many suffered death. If there were no witches, human testimony and human reason are alike destitute of value. -- Ambrose Bierce, 'The Devil's Dictionary' PP'A[District Attorneys] learn in District Attorney School that there are two sure-fire ways to get a lot of favorable publicity: (1) Go down and raid all the lo=$&MDiogenes went to look for an honest lawyer. 'How's it going?', someone asked him, after a few days. 'Not too bad', replied Diogenes. 'I still have my lantern.';%}Chicago law prohibits eating in a place that is on fire. $ECertain passages in several laws have always defied interpretation and the most inexplicable must be a matter of opinion. A judge of the Court of Session of Scotland has sent the editors of this book his candidate which reads, 'In the Nuts (unground), (other than ground nuts) Order, the expression nuts shall have reference to such nuts, other than ground nuts, as would but for this amending Order not qualify as nuts (unground) (other than ground nuts) by reason of their being nuts (unground).' -- Guiness Book of World Records, 1973ckers in the local high school and confiscate 53 marijuana cigarettes and put them in a pile and hold a press conference where you announce that they have a street value of $850 million. These raids never fail, because ALL high schools, including brand-new, never-used ones, have at least 53 marijuana cigarettes in the lockers. As far as anyone can tell, the locker factory puts them there. (2) Raid an 'adult book store' and hold a press conference where you announce you are charging the owner with 850 counts of being a piece of human sleaze. This also never fails, because you always get a conviction. A juror at a pornography trial is not about to state for the record that he finds nothing obscene about a movie where actors engage in sexual activities with live snakes and a fire extinguisher. He is going to convict the bookstore owner, and vote for the death penalty just to make sure nobody gets the wrong impression. -- Dave Barry, 'Pornography' ELsEW-3For certain people, after fifty, litigation takes the place of sex. -- Gore Vidals,kFirst there was Dial-A-Prayer, then Dial-A-Recipe, and even Dial-A-Footballer. But the south-east Victorian town of Sale has produced one to top them all. Dial-A-Wombat. It all began early yesterday when Sale police received a telephone call: 'You won't believe this, and I'm not drunk, but there's a wombat in the phone booth outside the town hall,' the caller said. N?U+/Fights between cats and dogs are prohibited by statute in Barber, North Carolina.*?Doctors and lawyers must go to school for years and years, often with little sleep and with great sacrifice to their first wives. -- Roy G. Blount, Jr.7)uDivorce is a game played by lawyers. -- Cary Grant1(gDistrict of Columbia pedestrians who leap over passing autos to escape injury, and then strike the car as they come down, are liable for any damage inflicted on the vehicle.ot firmly convinced about the caller's claim to sobriety, members of the constabulary drove to the scene, expecting to pick up a drunk. But there it was, an annoyed wombat, trapped in a telephone booth. The wombat, determined not to be had the better of again, threw its bulk into the fray. It was eventually lassoed and released in a nearby scrub. Then the officers received another message ... another wombat in another phone booth. There it was: *Another* angry wombat trapped in a telephone booth. The constables took the miffed marsupial into temporary custody and released it, too, in the scrub. But on their way back to the station they happened to pass another telephone booth, and -- you guessed it -- another imprisoned wombat. After some serious detective work, the lads in blue found a suspect, and after questioning, released him to be charged on summons. Their problem ... they cannot find a law against placing wombats in telephone booths. -- 'Newcastle Morning Herald', NSW Australia, Aug 1980. EE8.uFor three years, the young attorney had been taking his brief vacations at this country inn. The last time he'd finally managed an affair with the innkeeper's daughter. Looking forward to an exciting few days, he dragged his suitcase up the stairs of the inn, then stopped short. There sat his lover with an infant on her lap! 'Helen, why didn't you write when you learned you were pregnant?' he cried. 'I would have rushed up here, we could have gotten married, and the baby would have my name!' 'Well,' she said, 'when my folks found out about my condition, we sat up all night talkin' and talkin' and finally decided it would be better to have a bastard in the family than a lawyer.' &0&0Fortune Documents the Great Legal Decisions: We can imagine no reason why, with ordinary care, human toes could not be left out of chewing tobacco, and if toes are found in chewing tobacco, it seems to us that someone has been very careless. -- 78 So. 365.M/Fortune Documents the Great Legal Decisions: It is a rule of evidence deduced from the experience of mankind and supported by reason and authority that positive testimony is entitled to more weight than negative testimony, but by the latter term is meant negative testimony in its true sense and not positive evidence of a negative, because testimony in support of a negative may be as positive as that in support of an affirmative. -- 254 Pac. Rep. 472. b2IFortune's Law of the Week (this week, from Kentucky): No female shall appear in a bathing suit at any airport in this State unless she is escorted by two officers or unless she is armed with a club. The provisions of this statute shall not apply to females weighing less than 90 pounds nor exceeding 200 pounds, nor shall it apply to female horses.13Fortune Documents the Great Legal Decisions: We think that we may take judicial notice of the fact that the term 'bitch' may imply some feeling of endearment when applied to a female of the canine species but that it is seldom, if ever, so used when applied to a female of the human race. Coming as it did, reasonably close on the heels of two revolver shots directed at the person of whom it was probably used, we think it carries every reasonable implication of ill-will toward that person. -- Smith v. Moran, 193 N.E. 2d 466. p3eFortune's nomination for All-Time Champion and Protector of Youthful Morals goes to Representative Clare E. Hoffman of Michigan. During an impassioned House debate over a proposed bill to 'expand oyster and clam research,' a sharp-eared informant transcribed the following exchange between our hero and Rep. John D. Dingell, also of Michigan. DINGELL: There are places in the world at the present time where we are having to artificially propagate oysters and clams. HOFFMAN: You mean the oysters I buy are not nature's oysters? DINGELL: They may or may not be natural. The simple fact of the matter is that female oysters through their living habits cast out large amounts of seed and the male oysters cast out large amounts of fertilization ... HOFFMAN: Wait a minute! I do not want to go into that. There are many teenagers who read The Congressional Record. B27iFortune's Real-Life Courtroom Quote #29: THE JUDGE: Now, as we begin, I must ask you to banish all present information and prejudice from your minds, if you have any ...n6aFortune's Real-Life Courtroom Quote #25: Q: You say you had three men punching at you, kicking you, raping you, and you didn't scream? A: No ma'am. Q: Does that mean you consented? A: No, ma'am. That means I was unconscious.(5UFortune's Real-Life Courtroom Quote #19: Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people? A: All my autopsies have been performed on dead people.;4{Fortune's Real-Life Courtroom Quote #18: Q: Are you married? A: No, I'm divorced. Q: And what did your husband do before you divorced him? A: A lot of things I didn't know about. _:CFortune's Real-Life Courtroom Quote #3: Q: When he went, had you gone and had she, if she wanted to and were able, for the time being excluding all the restraints on her not to go, gone also, would he have brought you, meaning you and she, with him to the station? MR. BROOKS: Objection. That question should be taken out and shot.f9QFortune's Real-Life Courtroom Quote #37: Q: Did he pick the dog up by the ears? A: No. Q: What was he doing with the dog's ears? A: Picking them up in the air. Q: Where was the dog at this time? A: Attached to the ears.8Fortune's Real-Life Courtroom Quote #32: Q: Do you know how far pregnant you are right now? A: I will be three months November 8th. Q: Apparently then, the date of conception was August 8th? A: Yes. Q: What were you and your husband doing at that time? YQ>'Frankfort, Kentucky, makes it against the law to shoot off a policeman's tie.,=]Fortune's Real-Life Courtroom Quote #7: Q: What happened then? A: He told me, he says, 'I have to kill you because you can identify me.' Q: Did he kill you? A: No. <Fortune's Real-Life Courtroom Quote #52: Q: What is your name? A: Ernestine McDowell. Q: And what is your marital status? A: Fair.$;MFortune's Real-Life Courtroom Quote #41: Q: Now, Mrs. Johnson, how was your first marriage terminated? A: By death. Q: And by whose death was it terminated? GqGA God decided to take the devil to court and settle their differences once and for all. When Satan heard of this, he grinned and said, 'And just where do you think you're going to find a lawyer?'S@+Getting kicked out of the American Bar Association is liked getting kicked out of the Book-of-the-Month Club. -- Melvin Belli on the occcasion of his getting kicked out of the American Bar Association6?q'Gentlemen of the jury,' said the defense attorney, now beginning to warm to his summation, 'the real question here before you is, shall this beautiful young woman be forced to languish away her loveliest years in a dark prison cell? Or shall she be set free to return to her cozy little apartment at 4134 Mountain Ave. -- there to spend her lonely, loveless hours in her boudoir, lying beside her little Princess phone, 962-7873?' -CaHe is no lawyer who cannot take two sides.HBGood government never depends upon laws, but upon the personal qualities of those who govern. The machinery of government is always subordinate to the will of those who administer that machinery. The most important element of government, therefore, is the method of choosing leaders. -- Frank Herbert, 'Children of Dune' 7EE Horses are forbidden to eat fire hydrants in Marshalltown, Iowa.FD'Hi, I'm Preston A. Mantis, president of Consumers Retail Law Outlet. As you can see by my suit and the fact that I have all these books of equal height on the shelves behind me, I am a trained legal attorney. Do you have a car or a job? Do you ever walk around? If so, you probably have the makings of an excellent legal case. Although of course every case is different, I would definitely say that based on my experience and training, there's no reason why you shouldn't come out of this thing with at least a cabin cruiser. 'Remember, at the Preston A. Mantis Consumers Retail Law Outlet, our motto is: 'It is very difficult to disprove certain kinds of pain.'' -- Dave Barry, 'Pain and Suffering' {H{Humor in th Court: Q: Do you drink when you're on duty? A: I don't drink when I'm on duty, unless I come on duty drunk.PG%HR 3128. Omnibus Budget Reconciliation, Fiscal 1986. Martin, R-Ill., motion that the House recede from its disagreement to the Senate amendment making changes in the bill to reduce fiscal 1986 deficits. The Senate amendment was an amendment to the House amendment to the Senate amendment to the House amendment to the Senate amendment to the bill. The original Senate amendment was the conference agreement on the bill. Agreed to. -- Albuquerque Journal)FW How do you insult a lawyer? You might as well not even try. Consider: of all the highly trained and educated professions, law is the only one in which the prime lesson is that *winning* is more important than *truth*. Once someone has sunk to that level, what worse can you say about them? `g;M{Humor in the Court: Q. Mrs. Jones, is your appearance this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney? A. No. This is how I dress when I go to work.zLyHumor in the Court: Q. Doctor, did you say he was shot in the woods? A. No, I said he was shot in the lumbar region.K5Humor in the Court: Q. Did you ever stay all night with this man in New York? A. I refuse to answer that question. Q. Did you ever stay all night with this man in Chicago? A. I refuse to answer that question. Q. Did you ever stay all night with this man in Miami? A. No.`JEHumor in the Court: Q. And who is this person you are speaking of? A. My ex-widow said it.I?Humor in the Court: Q. And lastly, Gary, all your responses must be oral. O.K.? What school do you go to? A. Oral. Q. How old are you? A. Oral. ;U;;RHumor in the Court: Q: (Showing man picture.) That's you? A: Yes, sir. Q: And you were present when the picture was taken, right?uQoHumor in the Court: Q. What is your brother-in-law's name? A. Borofkin. Q. What's his first name? A. I can't remember. Q. He's been your brother-in-law for years, and you can't remember his first name? A. No. I tell you I'm too excited. (Rising from the witness chair and pointing to Mr. Borofkin.) Nathan, for God's sake, tell them your first name!lP]Humor in the Court: Q. Were you aquainted with the deceased? A. Yes, sir. Q. Before or after he died?)OWHumor in the Court: Q. Officer, what led you to believe the defendant was under the influence? A. Because he was argumentary and he couldn't pronunciate his words.(NUHumor in the Court: Q. Mrs. Smith, do you believe that you are emotionally unstable? A. I should be. Q. How many times have you comitted suicide? A. Four times. FdPdFoYcHumor in the Court: Q: Now, you have investigated other murders, have you not, where there was a victim?*XYHumor in the Court: Q: Did you tell your lawyer that your husband had offered you indignities? A: He didn't offer me nothing; he just said I could have the furniture.W;Humor in the Court: Q: Could you see him from where you were standing? A: I could see his head. Q: And where was his head? A: Just above his shoulders.LVHumor in the Court: Q: Are you sexually active? A: No, I just lie there.oUcHumor in the Court: Q: Are you qualified to give a urine sample? A: Yes, I have been since early childhood. TEHumor in the Court: Q: ...any suggestions as to what prevented this from being a murder trial instead of an attempted murder trial? A: The victim lived.S7Humor in the Court: Q: ...and what did he do then? A: He came home, and next morning he was dead. Q: So when he woke up the next morning he was dead? gg]+Humor in the Court: Q: What is the meaning of sperm being present? A: It indicates intercourse. Q: Male sperm? A. That is the only kind I know.=\Humor in the Court: Q: What can you tell us about the truthfulness and veracity of this defendant? A: Oh, she will tell the truth. She said she'd kill that sonofabitch--and she did!V[1Humor in the Court: Q: The truth of the matter is that you were not an unbiased, objective witness, isn't it. You too were shot in the fracas? A: No, sir. I was shot midway between the fracas and the naval.gZSHumor in the Court: Q: So, after the anesthesia, when you came out of it, what did you observe with respect to your scalp? A: I didn't see my scalp the whole time I was in the hospital. Q: It was covered? A: Yes, bandaged. Q: Then, later on.. what did you see? A: I had a skin graft. My whole buttocks and leg were removed and put on top of my head. o c`KI remember when legal used to mean lawful, now it means some kind of loophole. -- Leo KesslerM_I need another lawyer like I need another hole in my head. -- Fratianno^!Humor in the Court: Q: What is your relationship with the plaintiff? A: She is my daughter. Q: Was she your daughter on February 13, 1979? oacI suppose some of the variation between Boston drivers and the rest of the country is due to the progressive Massachusetts Driver Education Manual which I happen to have in my top desk drawer. Some of the Tips for Better Driving are worth considering, to wit: [110.13]: 'When traveling on a one-way street, stay to the right, so as not to interfere with oncoming traffic.' [22.17b]: 'Learning to change lanes takes time and patience. The best recommendation that can be made is to go to a Celtics [basketball] game; study the fast break and then go out and practice it on the highway.' [41.16]: 'Never bump a baby carriage out of a crosswalk unless the kid's really asking for it.' b!I suppose some of the variation between Boston drivers and the rest of the country is due to the progressive Massachusetts Driver Education Manual which I happen to have in my top desk drawer. Some of the Tips for Better Driving are worth considering, to wit: [131.16d]: 'Directional signals are generally not used except during vehicle inspection; however, a left-turn signal is appropriate when making a U-turn on a divided highway.' [96.7b]: 'When paying tolls, remember that it is necessary to release the quarter a full 3 seconds before passing the basket if you are traveling more than 60 MPH.' [110.13]: 'When traveling on a one-way street, stay to the right, so as not to interfere with oncoming traffic.' cI suppose some of the variation between Boston drivers and the rest of the country is due to the progressive Massachusetts Driver Education Manual which I happen to have in my top desk drawer. Some of the Tips for Better Driving are worth considering, to wit: [173.15b]: 'When competing for a section of road or a parking space, remember that the vehicle in need of the most body work has the right-of-way.' [141.2a]: 'Although it is altogether possible to fit a 6' car into a 6' parking space, it is hardly ever possible to fit a 6' car into a 5' parking space.' [105.31]: 'Teenage drivers believe that they are immortal, and drive accordingly. Nevertheless, you should avoid the temptation to prove them wrong.' 9^gAIf a man stay away from his wife for seven years, the law presumes the separation to have killed him; yet according to our daily experience, it might well prolong his life. -- Charles Darling, 'Scintillae Juris, 18773fkIf a jury in a criminal trial stays out for more than twenty-four hours, it is certain to vote acquittal, save in those instances where it votes guilty. -- Joseph C. Gouldenveq Idaho state law makes it illegal for a man to give his sweetheart a box of candy weighing less than fifty pounds.LdI value kindness to human beings first of all, and kindness to animals. I don't respect the law; I have a total irreverence for anything connected with society except that which makes the roads safer, the beer stronger, the food cheaper, and old men and women warmer in the winter, and happier in the summer. -- Brendan Behan f<fImIn Boston, it is illegal to hold frog-jumping contests in nightclubs.lIn Blythe, California, a city ordinance declares that a person must own at least two cows before he can wear cowboy boots in public. k In 'King Henry VI, Part II,' Shakespeare has Dick Butcher suggest to his fellow anti-establishmentU~jIf there were a school for, say, sheet metal workers, that after three years left its graduates as unprepared for their careers as does law school, it would be closed down in a minute, and no doubt by lawyers. -- Michael Levin, 'The Socratic Method[i;If reporters don't know that truth is plural, they ought to be lawyers. -- Tom Wickeruho'If once a man indulges himself in murder, very soon he comes to think little of robbing; and from robbing he next comes to drinking and Sabbath-breaking, and from that to incivility and procrastination.' -- Thomas De Quincey (1785 - 1859) rabble-rousers, 'The first thing we do, let's kill all the lawyers.' That action may be extreme but a similar sentiment was expressed by Thomas K. Connellan, president of The Management Group, Inc. Speaking to business executives in Chicago and quoted in Automotive News, Connellan attributed a measure of America's falling productivity to an excess of attorneys and accountants, and a dearth of production experts. Lawyers and accountants 'do not make the economic pie any bigger; they only figure out how the pie gets divided. Neither profession provides any added value to product.' According to Connellan, the highly productive Japanese society has 10 lawyers and 30 accountants per 100,000 population. The U.S. has 200 lawyers and 700 accountants. This suggests that 'the U.S. proportion of pie-bakers and pie-dividers is way out of whack.' Could Dick Butcher have been an efficiency expert? -- Motor Trend, May 1983 WT8tuIn Lowes Crossroads, Delaware, it is a violation of local law for any pilot or passenger to carry an ice cream cone in their pocket while either flying or waiting to board a plane.Ss+In Lexington, Kentucky, it's illegal to carry an ice cream cone in your pocket.orcIn Greene, New York, it is illegal to eat peanuts and walk backwards on the sidewalks when a concert is on.IqIn Devon, Connecticut, it is unlawful to walk backwards after sunset.Tp-In Denver it is unlawful to lend your vacuum cleaner to your next-door neighbor.`oEIn Corning, Iowa, it's a misdemeanor for a man to ask his wife to ride in any motor vehicle.&nQIn Columbia, Pennsylvania, it is against the law for a pilot to tickle a female flying student under her chin with a feather duster in order to get her attention. 9}`]z?In Tennessee, it is illegal to shoot any game other than whales from a moving automobile.fyQIn Seattle, Washington, it is illegal to carry a concealed weapon that is over six feet in length.x3In Pocatello, Idaho, a law passed in 1912 provided that 'The carrying of concealed weapons is forbidden, unless same are exhibited to public view.'wIn Pocataligo, Georgia, it is a violation for a woman over 200 pounds and attired in shorts to pilot or ride in an airplane.9vwIn Ohio, if you ignore an orator on Decoration day to such an extent as to publicly play croquet or pitch horseshoes within one mile of the speaker's stand, you can be fined $25.00.Du In Memphis, Tennessee, it is illegal for a woman to drive a car unless there is a man either running or walking in front of it waving a red flag to warn approaching motorists and pedestrians.   }#In West Union, Ohio, No married man can go flying without his spouse along at any time, unless he has been married for more than 12 months.s|kIn Tulsa, Oklahoma, it is against the law to open a soda bottle without the supervision of a licensed engineer.k{[In the olden days in England, you could be hung for stealing a sheep or a loaf of bread. However, if a sheep stole a loaf of bread and gave it to you, you would only be tried for receiving, a crime punishable by forty lashes with the cat or the dog, whichever was handy. If you stole a dog and were caught, you were punished with twelve rabbit punches, although it was hard to find rabbits big enough or strong enough to punch you. -- Mike Harding, 'The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac' ;x$MIt is Texas law that when two trains meet each other at a railroad crossing, each shall come to a full stop, and neither shall proceed until the other has gone. It is Mr. Mellon's credo that $200,000,000 can do no wrong. Our offense consists in doubting it. -- Justice Robert H. Jackson8wIt is illegal to say 'Oh, Boy' in Jonesboro, Georgia.]?It is illegal to drive more than two thousand sheep down Hollywood Boulevard at one time.Z9It is against the law for a monster to enter the corporate limits of Urbana, Illinois.~It has long been noticed that juries are pitiless for robbery and full of indulgence for infanticide. A question of interest, my dear Sir! The jury is afraid of being robbed and has passed the age when it could be a victim of infanticide. -- Edmond About GG5o It seems these two guys, George and Harry, set out in a Hot Air balloon to cross the United States. After forty hours in the air, George turned to Harry, and said, 'Harry, I think we've drifted off course! We need to find out where we are.' Harry cools the air in the balloon, and they descend to below the cloud cover. Slowly drifting over the countryside, George spots a man standing below them and yells out, 'Excuse me! Can you please tell me where we are?' The man on the ground yells back, 'You're in a balloon, approximately fifty feet in the air!' George turns to Harry and says, 'Well, that man *must* be a lawyer'. Replies Harry, 'How can you tell?'. 'Because the information he gave us is 100% accurate, and totally useless!' That's the end of The Joke, but for you people who are still worried about George and Harry: they end up in the drink, and make the front page of the New York Times: 'Balloonists Soaked by Lawyer'. I ] ?Kansas state law requires pedestrians crossing the highways at night to wear tail lights. Just remember: when you go to court, you are trusting your fate to twelve people that weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty!KJudges, as a class, display, in the matter of arranging alimony, that reckless generosity which is found only in men who are giving away someone else's cash. -- P.G. Wodehouse, 'Louder and Funnier'l]It's recently come to Fortune's attention that scientists have stopped using laboratory rats in favor of attorneys. Seems that there are not only more of them, but you don't get so emotionally attached. The only difficulty is that it's sometimes difficult to apply the experimental results to humans. [Also, there are some things even a rat won't do. Ed.]>It's illegal in Wilbur, Washington, to ride an ugly horse.skIt shall be unlawful for any suspicious person to be within the municipality. -- Local ordinance, Euclid Ohio e?Let us remember that ours is a nation of lawyers and order.-Legislation proposed in the Illinois State Legislature, May, 1907: 'Speed upon county roads will be limited to ten miles an hour unless the motorist sees a bailiff who does not appear to have had a drink in 30 days, when the driver will be permitted to make what he can.'[ ;Laws are like sausages. It's better not to see them being made. -- Otto von Bismarck6 sKnow how to save 5 drowning lawyers? -- No? GOOD!_ CKirkland, Illinois, law forbids bees to fly over the village or through any of its streets. HT-Loud burping while walking around the airport is prohibited in Halstead, Kansas.Y7... Logically incoherent, semantically incomprehensible, and legally ... impeccable!4mLet's say your wedding ring falls into your toaster, and when you stick your hand in to retrieve it, you suffer Pain and Suffering as well as Mental Anguish. You would sue: * The toaster manufacturer, for failure to include, in the instructions section that says you should never never never ever stick you hand into the toaster, the statement 'Not even if your wedding ring falls in there'. * The store where you bought the toaster, for selling it to an obvious cretin like yourself. * Union Carbide Corporation, which is not directly responsible in this case, but which is feeling so guilty that it would probably send you a large cash settlement anyway. -- Dave Barry F0vQ'Of ______course it's the murder weapon. Who would frame someone with a fake? New Hampshire law forbids you to tap your feet, nod your head, or in any way keep time to the music in a tavern, restaurant, or cafe.N!NEVER swerve to hit a lawyer riding a bicycle -- it might be your bicycle.fQNever put off until tomorrow what you can do today. There might be a law against it by that time.tmMinors in Kansas City, Missouri, are not allowed to purchase cap pistols; they may buy shotguns freely, however.;Men often believe -- or pretend -- that the 'Law' is something sacred, or at least a science -- an unfounded assumption very convenient to governments.6qMarijuana will be legal some day, because the many law students who now smoke pot will someday become congressmen and legalize it in order to protect themselves. -- Lenny Bruce ri Old Barlow was a crossing-tender at a junction where an express train demolished an automobile and its occupants. Being the chief witness, his testimony was vitally important. Barlow explained that the night was dark, and he waved his lantern frantically, but the driver of the car paid no attention to the signal. The railroad company won the case, and the president of the company complimented the old-timer for his story. 'You did wonderfully,' he said, 'I was afraid you would waver under testimony.' 'No sir,' exclaimed the senior, 'but I sure was afraid that durned lawyer was gonna ask me if my lantern was lit.' zazcK... Our second completely true news item was sent to me by Mr. H. Boyce Connell Jr. of Atlanta, Ga., where he is involved in a law firm. One thing I like about the South is, folks there care about tradition. If somebody gets handed a name like 'H. Boyce,' he hangs on to it, puts it on his legal stationery, even passes it to his son, rather than do what a lesser person would do, such as get it changed or kill himself. -- Dave Barry, 'This Column is Nothing but the Truth!';Once he had one leg in the White House and the nation trembled under his roars. Now he is a tinpot pope in the Coca-Cola belt and a brother to the forlorn pastors who belabor halfwits in galvanized iron tabernacles behind the railroad yards.' -- H.L. Mencken, writing of William Jennings Bryan, counsel for the supporters of Tennessee's anti-evolution law at the Scopes 'Monkey Trial' in 1925. :x::y Pittsburgh driver's test (2) A traffic light at an intersection changes from yellow to red, you should (a) stop immediately. (b) proceed slowly through the intersection. (c) blow the horn. (d) floor it. The correct answer is (d). If you said (c), you were almost right, so give yourself a half point. Pittsburgh driver's test (10) Potholes are (a) extremely dangerous. (b) patriotic. (c) the fault of the previous administration. (d) all going to be fixed next summer. The correct answer is (b). Potholes destroy unpatriotic, unamerican, imported cars, since the holes are larger than the cars. If you drive a big, patriotic, American car you have nothing to worry about. kX 5 Pittsburgh driver's test (4) Exhaust gas is (a) beneficial. (b) not harmful. (c) toxic. (d) a punk band. The correct answer is (b). The meddling Washington eco-freak communist bureaucrats who say otherwise are liars. (Message to those who answered (d). Go back to California where you came from. Your kind are not welcome here.)' Pittsburgh driver's test (3) When stopped at an intersection you should (a) watch the traffic light for your lane. (b) watch for pedestrians crossing the street. (c) blow the horn. (d) watch the traffic light for the intersecting street. The correct answer is (d). You need to start as soon as the traffic light for the intersecting street turns yellow. Answer (c) is worth a half point. `"E Pittsburgh Driver's Test (7) The car directly in front of you has a flashing right tail light but a steady left tail light. This means (a) one of the tail lights is broken; you should blow your horn to call the problem to the driver's attention. (b) the driver is signaling a right turn. (c) the driver is signaling a left turn. (d) the driver is from out of town. The correct answer is (d). Tail lights are used in some foreign countries to signal turns.R!) Pittsburgh driver's test (5) Your car's horn is a vital piece of safety equipment. How often should you test it? (a) once a year. (b) once a month. (c) once a day. (d) once an hour. The correct answer is (d). You should test your car's horn at least once every hour, and more often at night or in residential neighborhoods. QHQ&?Sho' they got to have it against the law. Shoot, ever'body git high, they wouldn't be nobody git up and feed the chickens. Hee-hee. -- Terry SouthernS%+She cried, and the judge wiped her tears with my checkbook. -- Tommy Manville$) Pittsburgh driver's test (9) Roads are salted in order to (a) kill grass. (b) melt snow. (c) help the economy. (d) prevent potholes. The correct answer is (c). Road salting employs thousands of persons directly, and millions more indirectly, for example, salt miners and rustproofers. Most important, salting reduces the life spans of cars, thus stimulating the car and steel industries.#A Pittsburgh Driver's Test (8) Pedestrians are (a) irrelevant. (b) communists. (c) a nuisance. (d) difficult to clean off the front grille. The correct answer is (a). Pedestrians are not in cars, so they are totally irrelevant to driving; you should ignore them completely. t.v,% The Arkansas legislature passed a law that states that the Arkansas River can rise no higher than to the Main Street bridge in Little Rock.j+YThe animals are not as stupid as one thinks -- they have neither doctors nor lawyers. -- L. DocquierH*Texas law forbids anyone to have a pair of pliers in his possession.)Sometimes a man who deserves to be looked down upon because he is a fool is despised only because he is a lawyer. -- Montesquieu0(eSome of the most interesting documents from Sweden's middle ages are the old county laws (well, we never had counties but it's the nearest equivalent I can find for 'landskap')f'Some men are heterosexual, and some are bisexual, and some men don't think about sex at all... they become lawyers. -- Woody Allen. These laws were written down sometime in the 13th century, but date back even down into Viking times. The oldest one is the Vastgota law which clearly has pagan influences, thinly covered with some Christian stuff. In this law, we find a page about 'lekare', which is the Old Norse word for a performing artist, actor/jester/musician etc. Here is an approximate translation, where I have written 'artist' as equivalent of 'lekare'. 'If an artist is beaten, none shall pay fines for it. If an artist is wounded, one such who goes with hurdie-gurdie or travels with fiddle or drum, then the people shall take a wild heifer and bring it out on the hillside. Then they shall shave off all hair from the heifer's tail, and grease the tail. Then the artist shall be given newly greased shoes. Then he shall take hold of the heifer's tail, and a man shall strike it with a sharp whip. If he can hold her, he shall have the animal. If he cannot hold her, he shall endure what he received, shame and wounds.' 00.(2UThe Law, in its majestic equality, forbids the rich, as well as the poor, to sleep under the bridges, to beg in the streets, and to steal bread. -- Anatole FranceW13The justifications for drug testing are part of the presently fashionable debate concerning restorih0# The judge fined the jaywalker fifty dollars and told him if he was caught again, he would be thrown in jail. Fine today, cooler tomorrow./The District of Columbia has a law forbidding you to exert pressure on a balloon and thereby cause a whistling sound on the streets.q.gThe difference between a lawyer and a rooster is that the rooster gets up in the morning and clucks defiance.L-The City of Palo Alto, in its official description of parking lot standards, specifies the grade of wheelchair access ramps in terms of centimeters of rise per foot of run. A compromise, I imagine...ng America's 'competitiveness.' Drugs, it has been revealed, are responsible for rampant absenteeism, reduced output, and poor quality work. But is drug testing in fact rationally related to the resurrection of competitiveness? Will charging the atmosphere of the workplace with the fear of excretory betrayal honestly spur productivity? Much noise has been made about rehabilitating the worker using drugs, but to date the vast majority of programs end with the simple firing or the not hiring of the abuser. This practice may exacerbate, not alleviate, the nation's productivity problem. If economic rehabilitation is the ultimate goal of drug testing, then criteria abandoning the rehabilitation of the drug-using worker is the purest of hypocrisy and the worst of rationalization. -- The concluding paragraph of 'Constitutional Law: The Fourth Amendment and Drug Testing in the Workplace,' Tim Moore, Harvard Journal of Law & Public Policy, vol. 10, No. 3 (Summer 1987), pp. 762-768. p5AThe penalty for laughing in a courtroom is six months in jail; if it were not for this penalty, the jury would never hear the evidence. -- H. L. Mencken 4The Least Successful Equal Pay Advertisement In 1976 the European Economic Community pointed out to the Irish Government that it had not yet implemented the agreed sex equality legislation. The Dublin Government immediately advertised for an equal pay enforcement officer. The advertisement offered different salary scales for men and women. -- Stephen Pile, 'The Book of Heroic Failures'{3{The lawgiver, of all beings, most owes the law allegiance. He of all men should behave as though the law compelled him. But it is the universal weakness of mankind that what we are given to administer we presently imagine we own. -- H.G. Wells n nC8 The state law of Pennsylvania prohibits singing in the bathtub.i7WThe primary requisite for any new tax law is for it to exempt enough voters to win the next election.\6=The powers not delegated to the United States by the Constitution, nor prohibited by it to the States, are reserved to the States respectively, or to the people. -- U.S. Constitution, Amendment 10. (Bill of Rights) eek:[There is a Massachusetts law requiring all dogs to have their hind legs tied during the month of April.)9WThe Worst Jury A murder trial at Manitoba in February 1978 was well advanced, when one juror revealed that he was completely deaf and did not have the remotest clue what was happening. The judge, Mr. Justice Solomon, asked him if he had heard any evidence at all and, when there was no reply, dismissed him. The excitement which this caused was only equalled when a second juror revealed that he spoke not a word of English. A fluent French speaker, he exhibited great surprised when told, after two days, that he was hearing a murder trial. The trial was abandoned when a third juror said that he suffered from both conditions, being simultaneously unversed in the English language and nearly as deaf as the first juror. The judge ordered a retrial. -- Stephen Pile, 'The Book of Heroic Failures' m;m>#There's no justice in this world. -- Frank Costello, on the prosecution of 'Lucky' Luciano by New York district attorney Thomas Dewey after Luciano had saved Dewey from assassination by Dutch Schultz (by ordering the assassination of Schultz instead)='There was an interesting development in the CBS-Westmoreland trial: both sides agreed that after the trial, Andy Rooney would be allowed to talk to the jury for three minutes about little things that annoyed him during the trial.' -- David Letterman3<kThere is no doubt that my lawyer is honest. For example, when he filed his income tax return last year, he declared half of his salary as 'unearned income.' -- Michael LaraA;There is no better way of exercising the imagination than the study of law. No poet ever interpreted nature as freely as a lawyer interprets truth. -- Jean Giraudoux, 'Tiger at the Gates' below this line. Your cancelled check is your receipt. Avoid contact with skin. Employees and their families are not eligible. Beware of dog. Driver does not carry cash. Limited time offer, call now to insure prompt delivery. Use only in well-ventilated area. Keep away from fire or flame. Some equipment shown is optional. Price does not include taxes, dealer prep, or delivery. Penalty for private use. Call toll free before digging. Some of the trademarks mentioned in this product appear for identification purposes only. All models over 18 years of age. Do not use while operating a motor vehicle or heavy equipment. Postage will be paid by addressee. Apply only to affected area. One size fits all. Many suitcases look alike. Edited for television. No solicitors. Reproduction strictly prohibited. Restaurant package, not for resale. Objects in mirror are closer than they appear. Decision of judges is final. This supersedes all previous notices. No other warranty expressed or implied. WN@!Virginia law forbids bathtubs in the house; tubs must be kept in the yard.??This product is meant for educational purposes only. Any resemblance to real persons, living or dead is purely coincidental. Void where prohibited. Some assembly may be required. Batteries not included. Contents may settle during shipment. Use only as directed. May be too intense for some viewers. If condition persists, consult your physician. No user-serviceable parts inside. Breaking seal constitutes acceptance of agreement. Not responsible for direct, indirect, incidental or consequential damages resulting from any defect, error or failure to perform. Slippery when wet. For office use only. Substantial penalty for early withdrawal. Do not writem xxA We may not like doctors, but at least they doctor. Bankers are not ever popular but at least they bank. Policeman police and undertakers take under. But lawyers do not give us law. We receive not the gladsome light of jurisprudence, but rather precedents, objections, appeals, stays, filings and forms, motions and counter-motions, all at $250 an hour. -- Nolo News, summer 1989 i*iaDGWhat do you have when you have six lawyers buried up to their necks in sand? Not enough sand.ZC9Welcome to Utah. If you think our liquor laws are funny, you should see our underwear!RB)We should realize that a city is better off with bad laws, so long as they remain fixed, then with good laws that are constantly being altered, that the lack of learning combined with sound common sense is more helpful than the kind of cleverness that gets out of hand, and that as a general rule, states are better governed by the man in the street than by intellectuals. These are the sort of people who want to appear wiser than the laws, who want to get their own way in every general discussion, because they feel that they cannot show off their intelligence in matters of greater importance, and who, as a result, very often bring ruin on their country. -- Cleon, Thucydides, III, 37 translation by Rex Warnerder 3) If hostile, kill him. Step number 3 is of particular importance. If you leave the guy alive out of misguided softheartedness, he will repay your generosity of spirit by suing you for causing his subsequent paraplegia and seek to force you to support him for the rest of his rotten life. In court he will plead that he was depressed because society had failed him, and that he was looking for Mother Teresa for comfort and to offer his services to the poor. In that lawsuit, you will lose. If, on the other hand, you kill him, the most that you can expect is that a relative will bring a wrongful death action. You will have two advantages: first, there be only your story; forget Mother Teresa. Second, even if you lose, how much could the bum's life be worth anyway? A Lot less than 50 years worth of paralysis. Don't play George Bush and Saddam Hussein. Finish the job. -- G. Gordon Liddy's 'Forbes' column on personal security IIsHkWhy does New Jersey have more toxic waste dumps and California have more lawyers? New Jersey had first choice.NG!Why does a hearse horse snicker, hauling a lawyer away? -- Carl Sandburg~FWhere it is a duty to worship the sun it is pretty sure to be a crime to examine the laws of heat. -- Christopher MorleyE7When alerted to an intrusion by tinkling glass or otherwise, 1) Calm yourself 2) Identify the intruq0ztnhb\VPJD>82,&  -- Larry Wall in stab.c from the perl source codeH: And it goes against the grain of building small tools. Innocent, Your Honor. Perl users build small tools all day long. -- Larry Wall in <1992Aug26.184221.29627@netlabs.com>'And I don't like doing silly things (except on purpose).' -- Larry Wall in <1992Jul3.191825.14435@netlabs.com>GAnd don't tell me there isn't one bit of difference between null and space, because that's exactly how much difference there is. :-) -- Larry Wall in <10209@jpl-devvax.JPL.NASA.GOV>1gAlthough the Perl Slogan is There's More Than On|uoic]XRNID?:50*% ~wqlga\XRLF~@}:|5{.z(y#xwvu t sr/* And you'll never guess what the dog had */ /* in its mouth... */ -- Larry Wall in stab.c from the perl source codeH: And it goes against the grain of building small tools. Innocent, Your Honor. Perl users build small tools all day long. -- Larry Wall in <1992Aug26.184221.29627@netlabs.com>'And I don't like doing silly things (except on purpose).' -- Larry Wall in <1992Jul3.191825.14435@netlabs.com>GAnd don't tell me there isn't one bit of difference between null and space, because that's exactly how much difference there is. :-) -- Larry Wall in <10209@jpl-devvax.JPL.NASA.GOV>1gAlthough the Perl Slogan is There's More Than One Way to Do It, I hesitate to make 10 ways to do something. :-) -- Larry Wall in <9695@jpl-devvax.JPL.NASA.GOV> All language designers are arrogant. Goes with the territory... :-) -- Larry Wall in <1991Jul13.010945.19157@netlabs.com `c`  break; /* don't do magic till later */ -- Larry Wall in stab.c from the perl source code| }Besides, REAL computers have a rename() system call. :-) -- Larry Wall in <7937@jpl-devvax.JPL.NASA.GOV>" IBesides, it's good to force C programmers to use the toolbox occasionally. :-) -- Larry Wall in <1991May31.181659.28817@jpl-devvax.jpl.nasa.gov>C  Besides, including is a fatal error on machines that don't have it yet. Bad language design, there... :-) -- Larry Wall in <1991Aug22.220929.6857@netlabs.com>B Be consistent. -- Larry Wall in the perl man pagek[Because . doesn't match n. [0-377] is the most efficient way to match everything currently. Maybe e should match everything. And E would of course match nothing. :-) -- Larry Wall in <9847@jpl-devvax.JPL.NASA.GOV> \Xtt \,]Does the same as the system call of that name. If you don't know what it does, don't worry about it. -- Larry Wall in the perl man page regarding chroot(2)gS#define SIGILL 6 /* blech */ -- Larry Wall in perl.c from the perl source code#define NULL 0 /* silly thing is, we don't even use this */ -- Larry Wall in perl.c from the perl source codesk/* dbmrefcnt--; */ /* doesn't work, rats */ -- Larry Wall in hash.c from the perl source codeaGChip Salzenberg sent me a complete patch to add System V IPC (msg, sem and shm calls), so I added them. If that bothers you, you can always undefine them in config.sh. :-) -- Larry Wall in <9384@jpl-devvax.JPL.NASA.GOV>% OBut you have to allow a little for the desire to evangelize when you think you have good news. -- Larry Wall in <1992Aug26.184221.29627@netlabs.com> F\ echo 'ICK, NOTHING WORKED!!! You may have to diddle the includes.';; -- Larry Wall in Configure from the perl distribution@echo 'Hmmm...you don't have Berkeley networking in libc.a...' echo 'but the Wollongong group seems to have hacked it in.' -- Larry Wall in Configure from the perl distributionzyecho 'Congratulations. You aren't running Eunice.' -- Larry Wall in Configure from the perl distribution(UDown that path lies madness. On the other hand, the road to hell is paved with melting snowballs. -- Larry Wall in <1992Jul2.222039.26476@netlabs.com>7sdouble value; /* or your money back! */ short changed; /* so triple your money back! */ -- Larry Wall in cons.c from the perl source code !4I!}Hey, I had to let awk be better at *something*... :-) -- Larry Wall in <1991Nov7.200504.25280@netlabs.com>1?'Help save the world!' -- Larry Wall in READMEKEven if you aren't in doubt, consider the mental welfare of the person who has to maintain the code after you, and who will probably put parens in the wrong place. -- Larry Wall in the perl man page3[End of diatribe. We now return you to your regularly scheduled programming...] -- Larry Wall in Configure from the perl distribution#else /* !STDSTDIO */ /* The big, slow, and stupid way */ -- Larry Wall in str.c from the perl source codehUecho 'Your stdio isn't very std.' -- Larry Wall in Configure from the perl distributionIecho $package has manual pages available in source form. echo 'However, you don't have nroff, so they're probably useless to you.' -- Larry Wall in Configure from the perl distribution 0CyD# If I don't document something, it's usually either for a good reason, or a bad reason. In this case it's a good reason. :-) -- Larry Wall in <1992Jan17.005405.16806@netlabs.com>G"If I allowed 'next $label' then I'd also have to allow 'goto $label', and I don't think you really want that... :-) -- Larry Wall in <1991Mar11.230002.27271@jpl-devvax.jpl.nasa.gov>g!SI dunno, I dream in Perl sometimes... -- Larry Wall in <8538@jpl-devvax.JPL.NASA.GOV> I don't know if it's what you want, but it's what you get. :-) -- Larry Wall in <10502@jpl-devvax.JPL.NASA.GOV>MI already have too much problem with people thinking the efficiency of a perl construct is related to its length. On the other hand, I'm perfectly capable of changing my mind next week... :-) --lwall 72b"(IIf you want to program in C, program in C. It's a nice language. I use it occasionally... :-) -- Larry Wall in <7577@jpl-devvax.JPL.NASA.GOV>M'If you consistently take an antagonistic approach, however, people are going to start thinking you're from New York. :-) -- Larry Wall to Dan Bernstein in <10187@jpl-devvax.JPL.NASA.GOV>&if (rsfp = mypopen('/bin/mail root','w')) { /* heh, heh */ -- Larry Wall in perl.c from the perl source code%if (instr(buf,sys_errlist[errno])) /* you don't see this */ -- Larry Wall in eval.c from the perl source codeF$'I find this a nice feature but it is not according to the documentation. Or is it a BUG?' 'Let's call it an accidental feature. :-)' -- Larry Wall in <6909@jpl-devvax.JPL.NASA.GOV> 44.1I'm sure that that could be indented more readably, but I'm scared of the awk parser. -- Larry Wall in <6849@jpl-devvax.JPL.NASA.GOV>^-AI might be able to shoehorn a reference count in on top of the numeric value by disallowing multiple references on scalars with a numeric value, but it wouldn't be as clean. I do occasionally worry about that. --lwallH,I'll say it again for the logic impaired. -- Larry Wall+!I know it's weird, but it does make it easier to write poetry in perl. :-) -- Larry Wall in <7865@jpl-devvax.JPL.NASA.GOV>}*If you want your program to be readable, consider supplying the argument. -- Larry Wall in the perl man pageu)oIf you want to see useful Perl examples, we can certainly arrange to have comp.lang.misc flooded with them, but I don't think that would help the advance of civilization. :-) -- Larry Wall in <1992Mar5.180926.19041@netlabs.com> 3^v"3U5/It's all magic. :-) -- Larry Wall in <7282@jpl-devvax.JPL.NASA.GOV>4/It is, of course, written in Perl. Translation to C is left as an exercise for the reader. :-) -- Larry Wall in <7448@jpl-devvax.JPL.NASA.GOV>R3)'It is easier to port a shell than a shell script.' -- Larry Wall25I think it's a new feature. Don't tell anyone it was an accident. :-) -- Larry Wall on s/foo/bar/eieio in <10911@jpl-devvax.JPL.NASA.GOV>U1/Interestingly enough, since subroutine declarations can come anywhere, you wouldn't have to put BEGIN {} at the beginning, nor END {} at the end. Interesting, no? I wonder if Henry would like it. :-) --lwalls0kIn general, they do what you want, unless you want consistency. -- Larry Wall in the perl man page/CIn general, if you think something isn't in Perl, try it out, because it usually is. :-) -- Larry Wall in <1991Jul31.174523.9447@netlabs.com> <<:}: I've heard that there is a shell (bourne or csh) to perl filter, does : anyone know of this or where I can get it? Yeah, you filter it through Tom Christiansen. :-) -- Larry Wall%9OIt won't be covered in the book. The source code has to be useful for something, after all... :-) -- Larry Wall in <10160@jpl-devvax.JPL.NASA.GOV>8 It's there as a sop to former Ada programmers. :-) -- Larry Wall regarding 10_000_000 in <11556@jpl-devvax.JPL.NASA.GOV>O7#> (It's sorta like sed, but not. It's sorta like awk, but not. etc.) Guilty as charged. Perl is happily ugly, and happily derivative. -- Larry Wall in <1992Aug26.184221.29627@netlabs.com>k6[It's documented in The Book, somewhere... -- Larry Wall in <10502@jpl-devvax.JPL.NASA.GOV> 2z|2@ Let's say the docs present a simplified view of reality... :-) -- Larry Wall in <6940@jpl-devvax.JPL.NASA.GOV>A?last|perl -pe '$_ x=/(..:..)...(.*)/&&''$1''ge$1&&''$1''lt$2' That's gonna be tough for Randal to beat... :-) -- Larry Wall in <1991Apr29.072206.5621@jpl-devvax.jpl.nasa.gov>k>[Just don't create a file called -rf. :-) -- Larry Wall in <11393@jpl-devvax.JPL.NASA.GOV>=!Just don't compare it with a real language, or you'll be unhappy... :-) -- Larry Wall in <1992May12.190238.5667@netlabs.com> <I won't mention any names, because I don't want to get sun4's into trouble... :-) -- Larry Wall in <11333@jpl-devvax.JPL.NASA.GOV>u;o: I've tried (in vi) 'g/[a-z]n[a-z]/s//_/'...but that doesn't : cut it. Any ideas? (I take it that it may be a two-pass sort of solution). In the first pass, install perl. :-) -- Larry Wall <6849@jpl-devvax.JPL.NASA.GOV> yByFFOOPS! You naughty creature! You didn't run Configure with sh! I will attempt to remedy the situation by running sh for you... -- Larry Wall in Configure from the perl distributionDE OK, enough hype. -- Larry Wall in the perl man pagesDk/* now make a new head in the exact same spot */ -- Larry Wall in cons.c from the perl source code)CWNo, I'm not going to explain it. If you can't figure it out, you didn't want to know anyway... :-) -- Larry Wall in <1991Aug7.180856.2854@netlabs.com>\B=Lispers are among the best grads of the Sweep-It-Under-Someone-Else's-Carpet School of Simulated Simplicity. [Was that sufficiently incendiary? :-)] -- Larry Wall in <1992Jan10.201804.11926@netlabs.comvAqLet us be charitable, and call it a misleading feature :-) -- Larry Wall in <2609@jato.Jpl.Nasa.Gov> qebCqOL#Randal said it would be tough to do in sed. He didn't say he didn't understand sed. Randal understands sed quite well. Which is why he uses Perl. :-) -- Larry Wall in <7874@jpl-devvax.JPL.NASA.GOV>KAQ. Why is this so clumsy? A. The trick is to use Perl's strengths rather than its weaknesses. -- Larry Wall in <8225@jpl-devvax.JPL.NASA.GOV>|J}pos += screamnext[pos] /* does this goof up anywhere? */ -- Larry Wall in util.c from the perl source codemI_Perl programming is an *empirical* science! -- Larry Wall in <10226@jpl-devvax.JPL.NASA.GOV>H'Perl itself is usually pretty good about telling you what you shouldn't do. :-) -- Larry Wall in <11091@jpl-devvax.JPL.NASA.GOV>G5Perl is designed to give you several ways to do anything, so consider picking the most readable one. -- Larry Wall in the perl man page ||IRstab_val(stab)->str_nok = 1; /* what a wonderful hack! */ -- Larry Wall in stab.c from the perl source code:QySorry. My testing organization is either too small, or too large, depending on how you look at it. :-) -- Larry Wall in <1991Apr22.175438.8564@jpl-devvax.jpl.nasa.gov>tPmsignal(i, SIG_DFL); /* crunch, crunch, crunch */ -- Larry Wall in doarg.c from the perl source codeuOos = (char*)(long)retval; /* ouch */ -- Larry Wall in doio.c from the perl source codeNRemember though that THERE IS NO GENERAL RULE FOR CONVERTING A LIST INTO A SCALAR. -- Larry Wall in the perl man pageMReal programmers can write assembly code in any language. :-) -- Larry Wall in <8571@jpl-devvax.JPL.NASA.GOV> Z?rZ X*** The previous line contains the naughty word '$&'.n if /(ibm|apple|awk)/; # :-) -- Larry Wall in the perl man pageW5The only disadvantage I see is that it would force everyone to get Perl. Horrors. :-) -- Larry Wall in <8854@jpl-devvax.JPL.NASA.GOV>UV/The autodecrement is not magical. -- Larry Wall in the perl man pageU/That means I'll have to use $ans to suppress newlines now. Life is ridiculous. -- Larry Wall in Configure from the perl distributionJTTactical? TACTICAL!?!? Hey, buddy, we went from kilotons to megatons several minutes ago. We don't need no stinkin' tactical nukes. (By the way, do you have change for 10 million people?) --lwall>Sstr->str_pok |= SP_FBM; /* deep magic */ s = (unsigned char*)(str->str_ptr); /* deeper magic */ -- Larry Wall in util.c from the perl source code v\\=There are still some other things to do, so don't think if I didn't fix your favorite bug that your bug report is in the bit bucket. (It may be, but don't think it. :-) Larry Wall in <7238@jpl-devvax.JPL.NASA.GOV>V[1There are probably better ways to do that, but it would make the parser more complex. I do, occasionally, struggle feebly against complexity... :-) -- Larry Wall in <7886@jpl-devvax.JPL.NASA.GOV>hZUThere are many times when you want it to ignore the rest of the string just like atof() does. Oddly enough, Perl calls atof(). How convenient. :-) -- Larry Wall in <1991Jun24.231628.14446@jpl-devvax.jpl.nasa.gov>YThere ain't nothin' in this world that's worth being a snot over. -- Larry Wall in <1992Aug19.041614.6963@netlabs.com> m$$m4am> This made me wonder, suddenly: can telnet be written in perl? Of course it can be written in Perl. Now if you'd said nroff, that would be more challenging... -- Larry Wall8`u'...this does not mean that some of us should not want, in a rather dispassionate sort of way, to put a bullet through csh's head.' Larry Wall in <1992Aug6.221512.5963@netlabs.com>F_/* This bit of chicanery makes a unary function followed by a parenthesis into a function with one argument, highest precedence. */ -- Larry Wall in toke.c from the perl source codez^y'The road to hell is paved with melting snowballs.' -- Larry Wall in <1992Jul2.222039.26476@netlabs.com>Y]7There is, however, a strange, musty smell in the air that reminds me of something...hmm...yes...I've got it...there's a VMS nearby, or I'm a Blit. -- Larry Wall in Configure from the perl distribution r4rg What about WRITING it first and rationalizing it afterwords? :-) -- Larry Wall in <8162@jpl-devvax.JPL.NASA.GOV>f/* we have tried to make this normal case as abnormal as possible */ -- Larry Wall in cmd.c from the perl source code1eg'We all agree on the necessity of compromise. We just can't agree on when it's necessary to compromise.' -- Larry Wall in <1991Nov13.194420.28091@netlabs.com>Qd'Unix is like a toll road on which you have to stop every 50 feet to pay another nickel. But hey! You only feel 5 cents poorer each time. -- Larry Wall in <1992Aug13.192357.15731@netlabs.com>ctmps_base = tmps_max; /* protect our mortal string */ -- Larry Wall in stab.c from the perl source codelb]Though I'll admit readability suffers slightly... -- Larry Wall in <2969@jato.Jpl.Nasa.Gov> %j*l#You have to admit that it's difficult to misplace the Perl sources. :-) -- Larry Wall in <1992Aug26.184221.29627@netlabs.com>k5'You can't have filenames longer than 14 chars. You can't even think about them!' -- Larry Wall in Configure from the perl distribution"jIWhen in doubt, parenthesize. At the very least it will let some poor schmuck bounce on the percent key in vi. -- Larry Wall in the perl man page8iu'What is the sound of Perl? Is it not the sound of a wall that people have stopped banging their heads against?' -- Larry Wall in <1992Aug26.184221.29627@netlabs.com>Xh5: 1. What is the possibility of this being added in the future? In the near future, the probability is close to zero. In the distant future, I'll be dead, and posterity can do whatever they like... :-) --lwall %%.qaI want to see people using Perl to glue things together creatively, not just technically but also socially. -- Larry Wall in <199702111730.JAA28598@wall.org>dpMAnyway, there's plenty of room for doubt. It might seem easy enough, but computer language design is just like a stroll in the park. Jurassic Park, that is. -- Larry Wall in <1994Jun15.074039.2654@netlabs.com>To-Well, enough clowning around. Perl is, in intent, a cleaned up and summarized version of that wonderful semi-natural language known as 'Unix'. -- Larry Wall in <1994Apr6.184419.3687@netlabs.com>n You want it in one line? Does it have to fit in 80 columns? :-) -- Larry Wall in <7349@jpl-devvax.JPL.NASA.GOV>cmKYour csh still thinks true is false. Write to your vendor today and tell them that next year Configure ought to 'rm /bin/csh' unless they fix their blasted shell. :-) -- Larry Wall in Configure from the perl distribution a\ w: But for some things, Perl just isn't the optimal choice. (yet) :-) -- Larry Wall in <199702221943.LAA20388@wall.org>vvqOdd that we think definitions are definitive. :-) -- Larry Wall in <199702221943.LAA20388@wall.org>AuAs usual, I'm overstating the case to knock a few neurons loose, but the truth is usually somewhere in the muddle, uh, middle. -- Larry Wall in <199702111639.IAA28425@wall.org>t+If someone stinks, view it as a reason to help them, not a reason to avoid them. -- Larry Wall in <199702111730.JAA28598@wall.org>ms_Unix weanies are as bad at this as anyone. -- Larry Wall in <199702111730.JAA28598@wall.org>r=The whole history of computers is rampant with cheerleading at best and bigotry at worst. -- Larry Wall in <199702111730.JAA28598@wall.org> -n2#-~I'd put my money where my mouth is, but my mouth keeps moving. -- Larry Wall in <199704051723.JAA28035@wall.org>p}eThey can always run stderr through uniq. :-) -- Larry Wall in <199704012331.PAA16535@wall.org>|!Not that I have anything much against redundancy. But I said that already. -- Larry Wall in <199702271735.JAA04048@wall.org>|{}So far we've managed to avoid turning Perl into APL. :-) -- Larry Wall in <199702251904.LAA28261@wall.org>z7Perl 5 introduced everything else, including the ability to introduce everything else. -- Larry Wall in <199702252152.NAA28845@wall.org>y?If you write something wrong enough, I'll be glad to make up a new witticism just for you. -- Larry Wall in <199702221943.LAA20388@wall.org>x#I don't like this official/unofficial distinction. It sound, er, officious. -- Larry Wall in <199702221943.LAA20388@wall.org> KbG?We question most of the mantras around here periodically, in case you hadn't noticed. :-) -- Larry Wall in <199705101952.MAA00756@wall.org>3: I used to think that this was just another demonstration of Larry's : enormous skill at pulling off what other people would fail or balk at. Well, everyone else knew it was impossible, so they didn't try. :-) -- Larry Wall in <199705101952.MAA00756@wall.org>xuI think $[ is more like a coelacanth than a mastadon. -- Larry Wall in <199705101952.MAA00756@wall.org>k[Call me bored, but don't call me boring. -- Larry Wall in <199705101952.MAA00756@wall.org>2iOf course, I reserve the right to make wholly stupid changes to Perl if I think they improve the language. :-) -- Larry Wall in <199704251604.JAA27300@wall.org> W/fQThe core is not frozen, but slushy. -- Larry Wall in <199705101952.MAA00756@wall.org>MTcl long ago fell into the Forth trap, and is now trying desperately to extricate itself (with some help from Sun's marketing department). -- Larry Wall in <199705101952.MAA00756@wall.org>W3That could certainly be done, but I don't want to fall into the Forth trap, where every running Forth implementation is really a different language. -- Larry Wall in <199705101952.MAA00756@wall.org>yw: The hierarchy is excessive. So is the anarchy. :-) -- Larry Wall in <199705101952.MAA00756@wall.org>%O(Presuming for the sake of argument that it's even *possible* to design better code in Perl than in C. :-) -- Larry Wall on core code vs. module code design 7H7V1It's the Magic that counts. -- Larry Wall on Perl's apparent uglinessn aObviously I was either onto something, or on something. -- Larry Wall on the creation of PerlD  No prisoner's dilemma here. Over the long term, symbiosis is more useful than parasitism. More fun, too. Ask any mitochondria. -- Larry Wall in <199705102042.NAA00851@wall.org>V 1Life gets boring, someone invents another necessity, and once again we turn the crank on the screwjack of progress hoping that nobody gets screwed. -- Larry Wall in <199705101952.MAA00756@wall.org>! GRandal can write one-liners again. Everyone is happy, and peace spreads over the whole Earth. -- Larry Wall in <199705101952.MAA00756@wall.org>4 mThe whole intent of Perl 5's module system was to encourage the growth of Perl culture rather than the Perl core. -- Larry Wall in <199705101952.MAA00756@wall.org> dkd+True, it returns '' for false, but '' is an even more interesting number than 0. -- Larry Wall in <199707300650.XAA05515@wall.org>=I'm sure a mathematician would claim that 0 and 1 are both very interesting numbers. :-) -- Larry Wall in <199707300650.XAA05515@wall.org>LI think you didn't get a reply because you used the terms 'correct' and 'proper', neither of which has much meaning in Perl culture. :-) -- Larry Wall in <199706251602.JAA01786@wall.org>You can prove anything by mentioning another computer language. :-) -- Larry Wall in <199706242038.NAA29853@wall.org>8uP.S. Perl's master plan (or what passes for one) is to take over the world like English did. Er, *as* English did... -- Larry Wall in <199705201832.LAA28393@wall.org>JMay you do Good Magic with Perl. -- Larry Wall's blessing ga^ABut then it's a bit odd to think that declaring something int could actually slow down the program, if it ended up forcing more conversions back to string. -- Larry Wall in <199708040319.UAA16213@wall.org>=Most places distinguish them merely by using the appropriate value. Hooray for context... -- Larry Wall in <199708040319.UAA16213@wall.org>Anybody want a binary telemetry frame editor written in Perl? -- Larry Wall in <199708012226.PAA22015@wall.org>^AWe didn't put in ^^ because then we'd have to keep telling people what it means, and then we'd have to keep telling them why it doesn't short circuit. :-/ -- Larry Wall in <199707300650.XAA05515@wall.org>/Any false value is gonna be fairly boring in Perl, mathematicians notwithstanding. -- Larry Wall in <199707300650.XAA05515@wall.org> [d 3The computer should be doing the hard work. That's what it's paid to do, after all. -- Larry Wall in <199709012312.QAA08121@wall.org>iWBut maybe we don't really need that... -- Larry Wall in <199709011851.LAA07101@wall.org>AReal theology is always rather shocking to people who already think they know what they think. I'm still shocked myself. :-) -- Larry Wall in <199708261932.MAA05218@wall.org>}Personally, I like to defiantly split my infinitives. :-) -- Larry Wall in <199708271551.IAA10211@wall.org>ywPerl has a long tradition of working around compilers. -- Larry Wall in <199708252256.PAA00105@wall.org>xuPerhaps I'm missing the gene for making enemies. :-) -- Larry Wall in <199708040319.UAA16213@wall.org>!GIt's possible that I'm just an idiot, and don't recognize a sleepy slavemaster when I see one. -- Larry Wall in <199708040319.UAA16213@wall.org> Bx>%For the run-time caching, I was going to suggest 'cached' (doh!), but perhaps 'once' is more meaningful to ordinary people. -- Larry Wall in <199709021812.LAA12571@wall.org> $Of course, this being Perl, we could always take both approaches. :-) -- Larry Wall in <199709021744.KAA12428@wall.org>(#UThere's certainly precedent for that already too. (Not claiming it's *good* precedent, mind you. :-) -- Larry Wall in <199709021744.KAA12428@wall.org> "I don't think I'm gonna agree with that. Way too much visual confusion... -- Larry Wall in <199709021627.JAA11966@wall.org>:!yThe following two statements are usually both true: There's not enough documentation. There's too much documentation. -- Larry Wall in <199709020026.RAA08431@wall.org> UU*Sometimes we choose the generalization. Sometimes we don't. -- Larry Wall in <199709032332.QAA21669@wall.org>A)Part of language design is purturbing the proposed feature in various directions to see how it might generalize in the future. -- Larry Wall in <199709032332.QAA21669@wall.org>a(GI'm serious about thinking through all the possibilities before we settle on anything. All things have the advantages of their disadvantages, and vice versa. -- Larry Wall in <199709032332.QAA21669@wall.org>q'gAt many levels, Perl is a 'diagonal' language. -- Larry Wall in <199709021854.LAA12794@wall.org>&The random quantum fluctuations of my brain are historical accidents that happen to have decided that the concepts of dynamic scoping and lexical scoping are orthogonal and should remain that way. -- Larry Wall in <199709021854.LAA12794@wall.org> JgoJ0#It would be possible to optimize some forms of goto, but I haven't bothered. -- Larry Wall in <199709041935.MAA27136@wall.org>/!I hope I'm not getting so famous that I can't think out load [sic] anymore. -- Larry Wall in <199709032332.QAA21669@wall.org>&.QAs with all the other proposals, it's basically just a list of words. You can deal with that... :-) -- Larry Wall in <199709032332.QAA21669@wall.org>-Oh, get ahold of yourself. Nobody's proposing that we parse English. -- Larry Wall in <199709032332.QAA21669@wall.org>>,It's appositival, if it's there. And it doesn't have to be there. And it's really obvious that it's there when it's there. -- Larry Wall in <199709032332.QAA21669@wall.org>+/I wouldn't ever write the full sentence myself, but then, I never use goto either. -- Larry Wall in <199709032332.QAA21669@wall.org> LDL75sYou tell it that it's indicative by appending $!. That's why we made $! such a short variable name, after all. :-) -- Larry Wall in <199709081801.LAA20629@wall.org>=4Well, that's more-or-less what I was saying, though obviously addition is a little more cosmic than the bitwise operators. -- Larry Wall in <199709051808.LAA01780@wall.org>3One of the reasons Perl is faster than certain other unnamed interpreted languages is that it binds variable names to a particular package (or scope) at compile time rather than at run time. -- Larry Wall in <199709050035.RAA29328@wall.org>t2mHow do Crays and Alphas handle the POSIX problem? -- Larry Wall in <199709050042.RAA29379@wall.org>81uA 'goto' in Perl falls into the category of hard things that should be possible, not easy things that should be easy. -- Larry Wall in <199709041935.MAA27136@wall.org> 2m}2\:=It is my job in life to travel all roads, so that some may take the road less travelled, and others the road more travelled, and all have a pleasant day. -- Larry Wall in <199709241628.JAA08908@wall.org>9;If you're going to define a shortcut, then make it the base [sic] darn shortcut you can. -- Larry Wall in <199709241628.JAA08908@wall.org>H8I guess what I'm saying is that the croak in question is requiring agreement (in the linguistic sense) that isn't buying us anything. -- Larry Wall in <199709241628.JAA08908@wall.org>l7]As someone pointed out, you could have an attribute that says 'optimize the heck out of this routine', and your definition of heck would be a parameter to the optimizer. -- Larry Wall in <199709081854.LAA20830@wall.org>6#The choice of approaches could be made the responsibility of the programmer. -- Larry Wall in <199709081901.MAA20863@wall.org> ;#U?/:-) your own self. -- Larry Wall in <199709261754.KAA23761@wall.org>k>[Oh, wait, that was Randal...nevermind... -- Larry Wall in <199709261754.KAA23761@wall.org>k=[But the possibility of abuse may be a good reason for leaving capabilities out of other computer languages, it's not a good reason for leaving capabilities out of Perl. -- Larry Wall in <199709251614.JAA15718@wall.org>7<sI was about to say, 'Avoid fame like the plague,' but you know, they can cure the plague with penicillin these days. -- Larry Wall in <199709242015.NAA10312@wall.org>A;It's getting harder and harder to think out loud. One of these days someone's gonna go off and kill Thomas a'Becket for me... -- Larry Wall in <199709242015.NAA10312@wall.org> >;>TD-I wasn't recommending that we make the links for them, only provide them with the tools to do so if they want to take the gamble (or the gambol). -- Larry Wall in <199709292259.PAA10407@wall.org>'CSAnd we can always supply them with a program that makes identical files into links to a single file. -- Larry Wall in <199709292012.NAA09616@wall.org>CB : The following (relative to AutoSplit 1.03) attempts to please everyone : and perhaps pleases no one: I think that's way cool. -- Larry Wall in <199709292015.NAA09627@wall.org>/AcMagically turning people's old scalar contexts into list contexts is a recipe for several kinds of disaster. -- Larry Wall in <199709291631.JAA08648@wall.org>A@P.S. I suppose I really should be nicer to people today, considering I'll be singing in Billy Graham's choir tonight... :-) -- Larry Wall in <199709261754.KAA23761@wall.org> J`q^IABecause the demand for it is low enough that it would be best handled as an XSUB, and the demand for it is low enough that nobody has bothered to write it as an XSUB. -- Larry Wall on in-place Perl sortingHSoitainly. I was assuming that came with the OO-ness of it. -- Larry Wall in <199710011802.LAA21692@wall.org>jGYI surely do hope that's a syntax error. -- Larry Wall in <199710011752.KAA21624@wall.org>fFQ switch (ref $@) { OverflowError => warn 'Dam needs to be drained'; DomainError => warn 'King needs to be trained'; NuclearWarError => die; } -- Larry Wall in <199709302338.QAA17037@wall.org>2EiThis has been planned for some time. I guess we'll just have to find someone with an exceptionally round tuit. -- Larry Wall in <199709302338.QAA17037@wall.org> AUaNGI *know* it's weird, but strict vars already comes very, very close to partitioning the crowd into those who can deal with local lexicals and those who can't. -- Larry Wall in <199710050130.SAA04762@wall.org> MBy rule #1, 5.005 should always allow localization of lexical @_ . . . -- Larry Wall in <199710011704.KAA21395@wall.org>uLoAnyway, my money is still on use strict vars . . . -- Larry Wall in <199710011704.KAA21395@wall.org>qKgI'm not sure whether that's actually useful... -- Larry Wall in <199710011704.KAA21395@wall.org>;J{But that looks a little too much like a declaration for my tastes, when in fact it isn't one. So forget I mentioned it. -- Larry Wall in <199710011704.KAA21395@wall.org> UZUR%It's certainly easy to calculate the average attendance for Perl conferences. -- Larry Wall in <199710071721.KAA19014@wall.org>nQaI don't think it's worth washing hogs over. -- Larry Wall in <199710060253.TAA09723@wall.org>PCThe reason I like hitching a ride on strict vars is that it cuts down the number of rarely used pragmas people have to remember, yet provides a way to get to the point where we might, just maybe, someday, make local lexicals the default for everyone, without having useless pragmas wandering around various programs, or using up another bit in $^H. -- Larry Wall in <199710050130.SAA04762@wall.org>OIf you remove stricture from a large Perl program currently, you're just installing delayed bugs, whereas with this feature, you're installing an instant bug that's easily fixed. Whoopee. -- Larry Wall in <199710050130.SAA04762@wall.org>  `XEThat wouldn't be good enough. -- Larry Wall in <199710131621.JAA14907@wall.org>WI think that's easier to read. Pardon me. Less difficult to read. -- Larry Wall in <199710120226.TAA06867@wall.org>}VJust don't make the '9' format pack/unpack numbers... :-) -- Larry Wall in <199710091434.HAA00838@wall.org>U/I knew I'd hate COBOL the moment I saw they'd used 'perform' instead of 'do'. -- Larry Wall on a not-so-popular programming language^TAHistorically Tcl has always stored all intermediate results as strings. (With 8.0 they're rethinking that. Of course, Perl rethought that from the start.) -- Larry Wall in <199710071721.KAA19014@wall.org>xSuTcl tends to get ported to weird places like routers. -- Larry Wall in <199710071721.KAA19014@wall.org> r*r]?As pointed out in a followup, Real Perl Programmers prefer things to be visually distinct. -- Larry Wall in <199710161841.LAA13208@wall.org>O\#It may be possible to get this condition from within Perl if a signal handler runs at just the wrong moment. Another point for Chip... :-) -- Larry Wall in <199710161546.IAA07885@wall.org>A[Well, you can implement a Perl peek() with unpack('P',...). Once you have that, there's only security through obscurity. :-) -- Larry Wall in <199710161537.IAA07828@wall.org>|Z}The prayer of serenity applies here. To both of us. :-) -- Larry Wall in <199710141802.LAA22443@wall.org>RY)To ordinary folks, conversion is not always automatic. It's something that may or may not require explicit assistance. See Billy Graham. :-) -- Larry Wall in <199710141738.KAA22289@wall.org> 1't1@cI was trying not to mention backtracking. Which, of course, means that yours is 'righter' than mine, in a theoretical sense. -- Larry Wall in <199710211624.JAA17833@wall.org>|b}'Course, that doesn't work when 'a' contains parentheses. -- Larry Wall in <199710211647.JAA17957@wall.org>ka[Depends on how you define 'always'. :-) -- Larry Wall in <199710211647.JAA17957@wall.org>?`That gets us out of deciding how to spell Reg[eE]xp?|RE . . . Of course, then we have to decide what ref $re returns... :-) -- Larry Wall in <199710171838.LAA24968@wall.org>_That should probably be written: no !@#$%^&*:@!semicolon -- Larry Wall in <199710161841.LAA13208@wall.org>U^/The Harvard Law states: Under controlled conditions of light, temperature, humidity, and nutrition, the organism will do as it damn well pleases. -- Larry Wall in <199710161841.LAA13208@wall.org> -Kq E-i You don't have to wait--you can have it in 5.004_54 or so. :-) -- Larry Wall in <199710221740.KAA24455@wall.org>h!Wow, I'm being shot at from both sides. That means I *must* be right. :-) -- Larry Wall in <199710211959.MAA18990@wall.org>@gSuppose you're working on an optimizer to render X unnecessary (or rather, redundant, which isn't the same thing in my book). -- Larry Wall in <199710211624.JAA17833@wall.org>efOBut you'll notice Perl has a goto. -- Larry Wall in <199710211624.JAA17833@wall.org>Ve1(To the extent that anyone but a Prolog programmer can understand X totally. (And to the extent that a Prolog programmer can understand 'cut'. :-)) -- Larry Wall in <199710211624.JAA17833@wall.org>1dgNot that I'm against sneaking some notions into people's heads upon occasion. (Or blasting them in outright.) -- Larry Wall in <199710211624.JAA17833@wall.org> xkWo3No, that'd be silly. -- Larry Wall in <199710221710.KAA24242@wall.org>KnWell, hey, let's just make everything into a closure, and then we'll have our general garbage collector, installed by 'use less memory'. -- Larry Wall in <199710221744.KAA24484@wall.org> mThe code also assumes that it's difficult to misspell 'a' or 'b'. :-) -- Larry Wall in <199710221731.KAA24396@wall.org>l-Double *sigh*. _04 is going onto thousands of CDs even as we speak, so to speak. -- Larry Wall in <199710221718.KAA24299@wall.org>rkiIt's not really a rule--it's more like a trend. -- Larry Wall in <199710221721.KAA24321@wall.org>j There's something to be said for returning the whole syntax tree. -- Larry Wall in <199710221833.LAA24741@wall.org> 5V%5u Obviously your filters are throwing away mail from Randal. :-) -- Larry Wall in <199710221937.MAA25131@wall.org>^tAThe way these things go, there are probably 6 or 8 kludgey ways to do it, and a better way that involves rethinking something that hasn't been rethunk yet. -- Larry Wall in <199710221859.LAA24889@wall.org>s Either approach may give birth to various sorts of monstrosities. -- Larry Wall in <199710221950.MAA25210@wall.org>)rWThink of prototypes as a funny markup language--the interpretation is left up to the rendering engine. -- Larry Wall in <199710221710.KAA24242@wall.org>qFor the sake of argument I'll ignore all your fighting words. -- Larry Wall in <199710221710.KAA24242@wall.org>&pQPeople who understand context would be steamed to have someone else dictating how they can call it. -- Larry Wall in <199710221710.KAA24242@wall.org> M&lM{|{Yes, we have consensus that we need 64 bit support. :-) -- Larry Wall in <199710291922.LAA07101@wall.org>{?: How would you disambiguate these situations? By shooting the person who did the latter. -- Larry Wall in <199710290235.SAA02444@wall.org>z%I suppose one could claim that an undocumented feature has no semantics. :-( -- Larry Wall in <199710290036.QAA01818@wall.org>5yoI'm afraid my gut level reaction is basically, ''proceed' is cute, but cute doesn't cut it in the emergency room.' -- Larry Wall in <199710281816.KAA29614@wall.org>jxY'Course, I haven't weighed in yet. :-) -- Larry Wall in <199710281816.KAA29614@wall.org>|w}Oh yeah. Forgot about those. Getting senile, I guess... -- Larry Wall in <199710261551.HAA17791@wall.org>Xv5Beauty? What's that? -- Larry Wall in <199710221937.MAA25131@wall.org> d\dHey, if pi == 3, and three == 0, does that make pi == 0? :-) -- Larry Wall in <199711011926.LAA25557@wall.org>7Perhaps they will have to outlaw sending random lists of words. fee fie foe foo [sic] -- Larry Wall in <199710311916.LAA19760@wall.org>ocBoss: You forgot to assign the result of your map! Hacker: Dang, I'm always forgetting my assignations... Boss: And what's that 'goto' doing there?!? Hacker: Er, I guess my finger slipped when I was typing 'getservbyport'... Boss: Ah well, accidents will happen. Maybe we should have picked APL. -- Larry Wall in <199710311732.JAA19169@wall.org>a~GMaybe it's time to break that. -- Larry Wall in <199710311718.JAA19082@wall.org> }E: - cut in regexps I don't think we reached consensus on that. We're still backtracking... -- Larry Wall in <199710291922.LAA07101@wall.org> hXh#KIf this were Ada, I suppose we'd just constant fold 1/0 into die 'Illegal division by zero' -- Larry Wall in <199711100226.SAA12549@wall.org>#KActually, it also looks like we should optimize (13,2,42,8,'hike') into a pp_padav copy as well. -- Larry Wall in <199711081945.LAA06315@wall.org>eOPortability should be the default. -- Larry Wall in <199711072201.OAA01123@wall.org>+[And other operators aren't so special syntactically, but weird in other ways, like 'scalar', and 'goto'. -- Larry Wall in <199711071749.JAA29751@wall.org>(Never thought I'd be telling Malcolm and Ilya the same thing... :-) -- Larry Wall in <199711071819.KAA29909@wall.org>$MI think you're letting your knowledge of internals interfere with your linguistic judgement here. -- Larry Wall in <199711011949.LAA25651@wall.org> nFneOPerl will always provide the null. -- Larry Wall in <199801151818.KAA14538@wall.org>m _It's hard to tune heavily tuned code. :-) -- Larry Wall in <199801141725.JAA07555@wall.org>N !Er, Tom, I hate to be the one to point this out, but your fix list is starting to resemble a feature list. You must be human or something. -- Larry Wall in <199801081824.KAA29602@wall.org>l ]Reserve your abuse for your true friends. -- Larry Wall in <199712041852.KAA19364@wall.org> There's some entertainment value in watching people juggle nitroglycerin. -- Larry Wall in <199712041747.JAA18908@wall.org>r iAlmost nothing in Perl serves a single purpose. -- Larry Wall in <199712040054.QAA13811@wall.org>qgAre you perchance running on a 64-bit machine? -- Larry Wall in <199711102149.NAA16878@wall.org> ~tmWell, I think Perl should run faster than C. :-) -- Larry Wall in <199801200306.TAA11638@wall.org>It's easy to solve the halting problem with a shotgun. :-) -- Larry Wall in <199801151836.KAA14656@wall.org>pe'The straightforward and easy path was to join the proprietary software world, signing nondisclosure agreements and promising not to help my fellow hacker....I could have made money this way, and perhaps had fun programming (if I closed my eyes to how I was treating other people). But I knew that when my career was over, I would look back on years of building walls to divide people, and feel I had made the world ugly.' -- Richard Stallman (Open Sources, 1999 O'Reilly and Associates)!'If a machine couldn't run a free operating system, we got rid of it.' -- Richard Stallman (Open Sources, 1999 O'Reilly and Associates)Q'% 'It is a relief and a joy when I see a regiment of hackers digging in to hold the line, and I realize, this city may survive--for now.' -- Richard Stallman (Ope  ,pe'The straightforward and easy path was to join the proprietary software world, signing nondisclosure agreements and promising not to help my fellow hacker....I could have made money this way, and perhaps had fun programming (if I closed my eyes to how I was treating other people). But I knew that when my career was over, I would look back on years of building walls to divide people, and feel I had made the world ugly.' -- Richard Stallman (Open Sources, 1999 O'Reilly and Associates)!'If a machine couldn't run a free operating system, we got rid of it.' -- Richard Stallman (Open Sources, 1999 O'Reilly and Associates)Q'% 'It is a relief and a joy when I see a regiment of hackers digging in to hold the line, and I realize, this city may survive--for now.' -- Richard Stallman (Open Sources, 1999 O'Reilly and Associates) 6#K'It is easy to sympathize with the MIS staffs around the world, I mean who hasn't lost work due to Windows or a Microsoft application crashing?' -- Chris DiBona, happy he's been using Linux and can avoid such things, from the introduction. (Open Sources, 1999 O'Reilly and Associates)I'The reason for the success of this somewhat communist-sounding strategy, while the failure of communism itself is visible around the world, is that the economics of information are fundamentaly different from those of other products.' -- Bruce Perens, on Open Source software. (Open Sources, 1999 O'Reilly and Associates){{'But the most reliable indication of the future of Open Source is its past: in just a few years, we have gone from nothing to a robust body of software that solves many different problems and is reaching the million-user count. There's no reason for us to slow down now.' -- Bruce Perens, on the future of Open Source software. (Open Sources, 1999 O'Reilly and Associates) t.t7 s'So right now the only vendor that does such a stupid thing is Microsoft.' -- Linus Torvalds on bad file system interface design. (Open Sources , 1999 O'Reilly and Associates.)M 'The idea of abstracting away the one thing that must be blindingly fast, the kernel, is inherently counter productive.' -- Linus Torvalds on Microkernels (Open Sources, 1999 O'Reilly & Associates)\='I'm not saying that they were knowingly dishonest, perhaps they were simply stupid. ' -- Linus Torvalds, commenting on those who really thought Microkernels were wise. (Open Sources, 1999 O'Reilly and Associates) E'So I decided that if the architecture is fundamentally sane enough, say it follows some basic rules like it supported paging , then I would be able to say, yes, Linux fundamentally supports that model.' -- Linus Torvalds on Portability (Open Sources, 1999 O'Reilly and Associates) #'Calling EMACS an editor is like calling the Earth a hunk of dirt.' -- Chris DiBona on Dirt (Open Sources, 1999 O'Reilly and Associates)m _'If you want an application to be portable, you don't necessarily create an abstraction layer like a microkernel so much as you program intelligently.' -- Linus Torvalds on Microkernels (Open Sources, 1999 O'Reilly and Associates)n a'The world is beating a path to our door' -- Bruce Perens, (Open Sources, 1999 O'Reilly and Associates) 'Eric also holds a black belt in Tae Kwon Do and shoots pistols for relaxation, His favorite gun is the classic 1911-pattern .45 semiautomatic' -- Chris DiBona on neo-renassaince Homo Heileinias Eric S. Raymond. (Open Sources, 1999 O'Reilly and Associates) ||O#'The funny thing is if you actually read those papers, you find that, while the researchers were applying thier optomizational tricks on a microkernel, in fact those same tricks could be applied to traditional kernels to accelerate thier execution.' -- Linus Torvalds on Microkernels (Open Sources, 1999 O'Reilly and Associates)/c'I am not convinced that they can write solid stable software. Proprietary software is already hobbled by it's secretive cathedral nature, but Microsoft seems to have a corner on incompetent programming as well.' -- Chris DiBona from the introduction. (Open Sources, 1999 O'Reilly and Associates) lzl/c'The open-source approach is not a magic bullet for every type of software development project.' -- Brian Behlendorf on OSS (Open Sources, 1999 O'Reilly and Associates)pe'While not obviously a business-friendly licensem there are certain aspects of the GNU license which are attractive, believe it or not, for commercial purposes.' -- Brian Behlendorf on OSS (Open Sources, 1999 O'Reilly and Associates)gS'Nature abhors a Vacuum' -- Brian Behlendorf on OSS (Open Sources, 1999 O'Reilly and Associates) 'Computers and autmation have become so ingrained and essentaial to day-to-day business that a sensible business should not rely on a single vendor to provide essential services........Thus is is always in a customers' interests to demand that the software they deploy be based on non-proprietary platforms.' -- Brian Behlendorf on OSS (Open Sources, 1999 O'Reilly and Associates) VWV6q'So here's a picture of reality: (picture of circle with lots of sqiggles in it) As we all know, reality is a mess.' -- Larry Wall (Open Sources, 1999 O'Reilly and Associates)uo'Open Standars, Open Documents, and Open Source' -- Scott Bradner (Open Sources, 1999 O'Reilly and Associates)|}'The IETF motto is 'rouch consesus and running code'' -- Scott Bradner (Open Sources, 1999 O'Reilly and Associates)P%'The basic publication series for te IETF is the RFC series. RPF once stood for 'Request for Comments,' but since documents published as RFCs have generally gone through an extensive review process before publication, RFC is now best known understood to mean 'RFC' ' -- Scott Bradner (Open Sources, 1999 O'Reilly and Associates)&Q'For something that does not exist, the Internet Engineering Task Force has has quite an impact.' -- Scott Bradner (Open Sources, 1999 O'Reilly and Associates) 1p 1l]'Of course, in Perl culture, almost nothis is prohibited. My feeling is that the rest of the world already has plenty of perfectly good prohibitions, so why invent more?' -- Larry Wall (Open Sources, 1999 O'Reilly and Associates)<}'You know, how is The Force like duct tape? Answer: it has a light side, a dark side, and it holds the universe together.' -- Larry Wall (Open Sources, 1999 O'Reilly and Associates)!'Computers may be stupid, but they're always obedient. Well, almost always.' -- Larry Wall (Open Sources, 1999 O'Reilly and Associates)ri'People get annoyed when you try to debug them.' -- Larry Wall (Open Sources, 1999 O'Reilly and Associates)'S'Suppose I want to take over the world. Simplicity says I should just take over the world by myself.' -- Larry Wall (Open Sources, 1999 O'Reilly and Associates)pe'However, complexity is not always the enemy.' -- Larry Wall (Open Sources, 1999 O'Reilly and Associates) !9'In a way they were right the basics of operating systems, and by extension the Linux kernel, were well understood by the early 70s; anything after that has been to some degree an exercise in self-gratification.' -- Linus Torvalds (Open Sources, 1999 O'Reilly and Associates) 9'There are a billion people in China. And I want them to be able to pass notes to each other written in Perl. I want them to be able to write poetry in Perl. That is my vision of the Future. My chosen perspective.' -- Larry Wall (Open Sources, 1999 O'Reilly and Associates)'*~xrlf`ZTNHB<60*O#1893 The ideal brain tonic 1900 Drink Coca-Cola -- delicious and refreshing -- 5 cents at all soda fountains 1905 Is the favorite drink for LADIES when thirsty -- weary -- despondent 1905 Refreshes the weary, brightens the intellect and clears the brain 1906 The drink of QUALITY 1907 Good to the last drop 1907 It satisfies the thirst and pleases the palate 1907 Refreshing as a summer breeze. Delightful as a Dip in the Sea 1908 The Drink that Cheers but does not inebriate 1917 There's a deliciouفD؁Aׁ>ց<Ձ4ԁ+Ӂ'ҁ&с%Ёρ΁́́ˁʁ Ɂȁǁzxpnk`\WI>94.  ..O#1893 The ideal brain tonic 1900 Drink Coca-Cola -- delicious and refreshing -- 5 cents at all soda fountains 1905 Is the favorite drink for LADIES when thirsty -- weary -- despondent 1905 Refreshes the weary, brightens the intellect and clears the brain 1906 The drink of QUALITY 1907 Good to the last drop 1907 It satisfies the thirst and pleases the palate 1907 Refreshing as a summer breeze. Delightful as a Dip in the Sea 1908 The Drink that Cheers but does not inebriate 1917 There's a delicious freshness to the taste of Coca-Cola 1919 It satisfies thirst 1919 The taste is the test 1922 Every glass holds the answer to thirst 1922 Thirst knows no season 1925 Enjoy the sociable drink -- Coca-Cola slogans &E&\= A new chef from India was fired a week after starting the job. He kept favoring curry.]?A gourmet who thinks of calories is like a tart that looks at her watch. -- James Beard`E A farm in the country side had several turkeys, it was known as the house of seven gobbles.uo A couple of kids tried using pickles instead of paddles for a Ping-Pong game. They had the volley of the Dills.A1925 With a drink so good, 'tis folly to be thirsty 1929 The high sign of refreshment 1929 The pause that refreshes 1930 It had to be good to get where it is 1932 The drink that makes a pause refreshing 1935 The pause that brings friends together 1937 STOP for a pause... GO refreshed 1938 The best friend thirst ever had 1939 Thirst stops here 1942 It's the real thing 1947 Have a Coke 1961 Zing! what a REFRESHING NEW FEELING 1963 Things go better with Coke 1969 Face Uncle Sam with a Coke in your hand 1979 Have a Coke and a smile 1982 Coke is it! -- Coca-Cola slogans  V{@^AAs he had feared, his orders had been forgotten and everyone had brought the potato salad.9 yAnything that is good and useful is made of chocolate.. cAnything is good if it's made of chocolate.m _ 'And what will you do when you grow up to be as big as me?' asked the father of his little son. 'Diet.': {Actually, my goal is to have a sandwich named after me.3 kActor: So what do you do for a living? Doris: I work for a company that makes deceptively shallow serving dishes for Chinese restaurants. -- Woody Allen, 'Without Feathers'= A wife started serving chopped meat, Monday hamburger, Tuesday meat loaf, Wednesday tartar steak, and Thursday meatballs. On Friday morning her husband snarled, 'How now, ground cow?'2kA waist is a terrible thing to mind. -- Ziggy O*mKChinese saying: 'He who speak with forked tongue, not need chopsticks.'Y7Cheese -- milk's leap toward immortality. -- Clifton Fadiman, 'Any Number Can Play':yCarob works on the principle that, when mixed with the right combination of fats and sugar, it can duplicate chocolate in color and texture. Of course, the same can be said of dirt.#MBoycott meat -- suck your thumb./eBOO! We changed Coke again! BLEAH! BLEAH!@Be careful when you bite into your hamburger. -- Derek Bok;{As with most fine things, chocolate has its season. There is a simple memory aid that you can use to determine whether it is the correct time to order chocolate dishes: any month whose name contains the letter A, E, or U is the proper time for chocolate. -- Sandra Boynton, 'Chocolate: The Consuming Passion' T-Consider the following axioms carefully: 'Everything's better when it sits on a Ritz.' and 'Everything's better with Blue Bonnet on it.' What happens if one spreads Blue Bonnet margarine on a Ritz cracker? The thought is frightening. Is this how God came into being? Try not to consider the fact that 'Things go better with Coke'. & &&QDid you hear that Captain Crunch, Sugar Bear, Tony the Tiger, and Snap, Crackle and Pop were all murdered recently... Police suspect the work of a cereal killer!8wDeath before dishonor. But neither before breakfast.tmDear Mister Language Person: I am curious about the expression, 'Part of this complete breakfast'. The way it comes up is, my 5-year-old will be watching TV cartoon shows in the morning, and they'll show a commercial for a children's compressed breakfast compound such as 'Froot Loops' or 'Lucky Charms', and they always show it sitting on a table next to some actual food such as eggs, and the announcer always says: 'Part of this complete breakfast'. Don't that really mean, 'Adjacent to this complete breakfast', or 'On the same table as this complete breakfast'? And couldn't they make essentially the same claim if, instead of Froot Loops, they put a can of shaving cream there, or a dead bat? Answer: Yes. -- Dave Barry, 'Tips for Writer's' %Wev%O #Eat as much as you like -- just don't swallow it. -- Harry Secombe's dietl] During the American Revolution, a Britisher tried to raid a farm. He stumbled across a rock on the ground and fell, whereupon an agressive Rhode Island Red hopped on top. Seeing this, the farmer commented, 'Chicken catch a Tory!'?Do you feel personally responsible for the world food shortage? Every time you go to the beach, does the tide come in? Have you ever eaten an entire moose? Can you see your neck? Do joggers take laps around you for exercise? If so, welcome to National Fat Week. This week we'll eat without guilt, and kick off our membership campaign, ...by force-feeding a box of cornstarch to a skinny person. -- GarfieldP%Do not worry about which side your bread is buttered on: you eat BOTH sides.IDo not drink coffee in early A.M. It will keep you awake until noon.1iDinner is ready when the smoke alarm goes off.)YDieters live life in the fasting lane. hO&uNChY.7Food for thought is no substitute for the real thing. -- Walt Kelly, 'Potluck Pogo'<-Fat people of the world unite, we've got nothing to lose!@,Fat Liberation: because a waist is a terrible thing to mind.+Everything is worth precisely as much as a belch, the difference being that a belch is more satisfying. -- Ingmar BergmanW*3Everything I like is either illegal, immoral or fattening. -- Alexander Woollcott/)eEvery time I lose weight, it finds me again!%(QEven a cabbage may look at a king./'eEven a blind pig stumbles upon a few acorns.C& Eating chocolate is like being in love without the aggravation.9%y'Eat, drink, and be merry, for tomorrow you may work.''$UEat right, stay fit, and die anyway.0#gEat drink and be merry, for tomorrow we diet.B" Eat drink and be merry, for tomorrow they may make it illegal.9!yEat drink and be merry! Tommorrow you may be in Utah.Pudden Race' (i.e. haggis) here is an easy to follow recipe which results in a dish remarkably similar to the above mentioned protected species. Ingredients: 1 Sheep's Pluck (heart, lungs, liver) and bag 2 teacupsful toasted oatmeal 1 teaspoonful salt 8 oz. shredded suet 2 small onions 1/2 teaspoonful black pepper Scrape and clean bag in cold, then warm, water. Soak in salt water overnight. Wash pluck, then boil for 2 hours with windpipe draining over the side of pot. Retain 1 pint of stock. Cut off windpipe, remove surplus gristle, chop or mince heart and lungs, and grate best part of liver (about half only). Parboil and chop onions, mix all together with oatmeal, suet, salt, pepper and stock to moisten. Pack the mixture into bag, allowing for swelling. Boil for three hours, pricking regularly all over. If bag not available, steam in greased basin covered by greaseproof paper and cloth for four to five hours. zo3z<4Has anyone ever tasted an 'end'? Are they really bitter?y3wGREAT MOMENTS IN HISTORY (#7): November 23, 1915 Pancake make-up is invented; most people continue to prefer syrup.:2{God must have loved calories, she made so many of them.1 Fortune's diet truths: 1: Forget what the cookbooks say, plain yogurt tastes nothing like sour cre20iFortune's Contribution of the Month to the Animal Rights Debate: I'll stay out of animals' way if they'll stay out of mine. 'Hey you, get off my plate' -- Roger Midnight!/GFor those of you who have been unfortunate enough to never have tasted the 'Great Chieftain O' the am. 2: Any recipe calling for soybeans tastes like mud. 3: Carob is not an acceptable substitute for chocolate. In fact, carob is not an acceptable substitute for anything, except, perhaps, brown shoe polish. 4: There is no such thing as a 'fun salad.' So let's stop pretending and see salads for what they are: God's punishment for being fat. 5: Fruit salad without maraschino cherries and marshmallows is about as appealing as tepid beer. 6: A world lacking gravy is a tragic place! 7: You should immediately pass up any recipes entitled 'luscious and low-cal.' Also skip dishes featuring 'lively liver.' They aren't and it isn't. 8: Wearing a blindfold often makes many diet foods more palatable. 9: Fresh fruit is not dessert. CAKE is dessert! 10: Okra tastes slightly worse than its name implies. 11: A plain baked potato isn't worth the effort involved in chewing and swallowing. _=B9 'How did you spend the weekend?' asked the pretty brunette secretary of her blonde companion. 'Fishing through the ice,' she replied. 'Fishing through the ice? Whatever for?' 'Olives.'K8Hors d'oeuvres -- a ham sandwich cut into forty pieces. -- Jack Benny97yHome on the Range was originally written in beef-flat. 6GHave a taco. -- P.S. Beagle5A Has your family tried 'em? POWDERMILK BISCUITS Heavens, they're tasty and expeditious! They're made from whole wheat, to give shy persons the strength to get up and do what needs to be done. POWDERMILK BISCUITS Buy them ready-made in the big blue box with the picture of the biscuit on the front, or in the brown bag with the dark stains that indicate freshness. WW>%I don't care for the Sugar Smacks commercial. I don't like the idea of a frog jumping on my Breakfast. -- Lowell, Chicago Reader 10/15/82=1I couldn't remember when I had been so disappointed. Except perhaps the time I found out that M&Ms really DO melt in your hand. -- Peter Oakley<7I brake for chezlogs!a;GI am so optimistic about beef prices that I've just leased a pot roast with an option to buy.}:How many hors d'oeuvres you are allowed to take off a tray being carried by a waiter at a nice party? Two, but there are ways around it, depending on the style of the hors d'oeuvre. If they're those little pastry things where you can't tell what's inside, you take one, bite off about two-thirds of it, then say: 'This is cheese! I hate cheese!' Then you put the rest of it back on the tray and bite another one and go, 'Darn it! Another cheese!' and so on. -- Dave Barry, 'The Stuff of Etiquette' 6d ()Y6!III'm hungry, time to eat lunch.cHK 'I thought you were trying to get into shape.' 'I am. The shape I've selected is a triangle.'5GqI never pray before meals -- my mom's a good cook.2FkI never met a piece of chocolate I didn't like.hEUI just ate a whole package of Sweet Tarts and a can of Coke. I think I saw God. -- B. Hathrume DukD)I have no doubt that it is a part of the destiny of the human race, in its gradual improvement, to leave off eating animals. -- ThoreaucCKI have never been one to sacrifice my appetite on the altar of appearance. -- A.M. Readyhough|B}'I don't like spinach, and I'm glad I don't, because if I liked it I'd eat it, and I just hate it.' -- Clarence DarrowWA3I don't have an eating problem. I eat. I get fat. I buy new clothes. No problem.R@)I don't even butter my bread. I consider that cooking. -- Katherine CebrianF?I don't care where I sit as long as I get fed. -- Calvin Trillin 2yGc82 2tWmIt is a hard matter, my fellow citizens, to argue with the belly, since it has no ears. -- Marcus Porcius Cato"VKIs there life before breakfast?RIf you waste your time cooking, you'll miss the next meal.iQWIf you stew apples like cranberries, they taste more like prunes than rhubarb does. -- Groucho Marx)PYIf you see an onion ring -- answer it!`OEIf you put your supper dish to your ear you can hear the sounds of a restaurant. -- SnoopyKNIf you are what you eat, does that mean Euell Gibbons really was a nut?3MmIf puns were deli meat, this would be the wurst.0LgIf food be the music of love, eat up, eat up.,K_If at first you fricasee, fry, fry again.WJ3I've been on a diet for two weeks and all I've lost is two weeks. -- Totie Fields \It's so beautifully arranged on the plate -- you know someone's fingers have been all over it. -- Julia Child on nouvelle cuisine.9[yIt's raisins that make Post Raisin Bran so raisiny ...=ZIt would be nice if the Food and Drug Administration stopped issuing warnings about toxic substances and just gave me the names of one or two things still safe to eat. -- Robert Fuoss0YgIt was a brave man that ate the first oyster..XaIT MAKES ME MAD when I go to all the trouble of having Marta cook up about a hundred drumsticks, then the guy at Marineland says, 'You can't throw that chicken to the dolphins. They eat fish.' Sure they eat fish if that's all you give them! Man, wise up. -- Jack Handley, The New Mexican, 1988. u u8`wKitchen activity is highlighted. Butter up a friend.7_uKissing don't last, cookery do. -- George Meredith!^IKilling turkeys causes winter.r]iJust a few of the perfect excuses for having some strawberry shortcake. Pick one. (1) It's less calories than two pieces of strawberry shortcake. (2) It's cheaper than going to France. (3) It neutralizes the brownies I had yesterday. (4) Life is short. (5) It's somebody's birthday. I don't want them to celebrate alone. (6) It matches my eyes. (7) Whoever said, 'Let them eat cake.' must have been talking to me. (8) To punish myself for eating dessert yesterday. (9) Compensation for all the time I spend in the shower not eating. (10) Strawberry shortcake is evil. I must help rid the world of it. (11) I'm getting weak from eating all that healthy stuff. (12) It's the second anniversary of the night I ate plain broccoli. ^c2T^>kLife without caffeine is stimulating enough. -- Sanka Ad%QSacred cows make great hamburgers. RULES OF EATING -- THE BRONX DIETER'S CREED (1) Never eat on an empty stomach. (2) Never leave the table hungry. (3) When traveling, never leave a country hungry. (4) Enjoy your food. (5) Enjoy your companion's food. (6) Really taste your food. It may take several portions to accomplish this, especially if subtly seasoned. (7) Really feel your food. Texture is important. Compare, for example, the texture of a turnip to that of a brownie. Which feels better against your cheeks? (8) Never eat between snacks, unless it's a meal. (9) Don't feel you must finish everything on your plate. You can always eat it later. (10) Avoid any wine with a childproof cap. (11) Avoid blue food. -- Richard Smith, 'The Bronx Diet'6qRemember, DESSERT is spelled with two `s's while DESERT is spelled with one, because EVERYONE wants two desserts, but NO ONE wants two deserts. -- Miss Oglethorp, Gr. 5, PS. 59  p cKSome circumstantial evidence is very strong, as when you find a trout in the milk. -- Thoreau GSo much food; so little time!JSeeing is deceiving. It's eating that's believing. -- James ThurberASave gas, don't eat beans. h UThe basic menu item, in fact the ONLY menu item, would be a food unit called the 'patty,' consisting of -- this would be guaranteed in writing -- '100 percent animal matter of some kind.' All patties would be heated up and then cooled back down in electronic devices immediately before serving. The Breakfast Patty would be a patty on a bun with lettuce, tomato, onion, egg, Ba-Ko-Bits, Cheez Whiz, a Special Sauce made by pouring ketchup out of a bottle and a little slip of paper stating: 'Inspected by Number 12.' The Lunch or Dinner Patty would be any Breakfast Patties that didn't get sold in the morning. The Seafood Lover's Patty would be any patties that were starting to emit a serious aroma. Patties that were too rank even to be Seafood Lover's Patties would be compressed into wads and sold as 'Nuggets.' -- Dave Barry, ''Mister Mediocre' Restaurants' wp wC The early bird gets the coffee left over from the night before.K  THE DAILY PLANET SUPERMAN SAVES DESSERT! Plans to 'Eat it later'b IThe cow is nothing but a machine which makes grass fit for us people to eat. -- John McNultyg SThe chicken that clucks the loudest is the one most likely to show up at the steam fitters' picnic." IThe black bear used to be one of the most commonly seen large animals because in Yosemite and Sequoia national parks they lived off of garbage and tourist handouts. This bear has learned to open car doors in Yosemite, where damage to automobiles caused by bears runs into the tens of thousands of dollars a year. Campaigns to bearproof all garbage containers in wild areas have been difficult, because as one biologist put it, 'There is a considerable overlap between the intelligence levels of the smartest bears and the dumbest tourists.' aa;The History of every major Galactic Civilization tends to pass through three distinct and recognizable phases, those of Survival, Inquiry, and Sophistication, otherwise known as the How, Why, and Where phases. For instance, the first phase is characterized by the question 'How can we eat?' the second by 'Why do we eat?' and the third by 'Where shall we have lunch?'. -- Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy Z9The men sat sipping their tea in silence. After a while the klutz said, 'Life is like a bowl of sour cream.' 'Like a bowl of sour cream?' asked the other. 'Why?' 'How should I know? What am I, a philosopher?'gSThe Kosher Dill was invented in 1723 by Joe Kosher and Sam Dill. It is the single most popular pickle variety today, enjoyed throughout the free world by man, woman and child alike. An astounding 350 billion kosher dills are eaten each year, averaging out to almost 1/4 pickle per person per day. New York Times food critic Mimi Sheraton says 'The kosher dill really changed my life. I used to enjoy eating McDonald's hamburgers and drinking Iron City Lite, and then I encountered the kosher dill pickle. I realized that there was far more to haute cuisine then I'd ever imagined. And now, just look at me.' X0eThe most remarkable thing about my mother is that for thirty years she served the family nothing but leftovers. The original meal has never been found. -- Calvin Trillin$MThe most exquisite peak in culinary art is conquered when you do right by a ham, for a ham, in the very nature of the process it has undergone since last it walked on its own feet, combines in its flavor the tang of smoky autumnal woods, the maternal softness of earthy fields delivered of their crop children, the wineyness of a late sun, the intimate kiss of fertilizing rain, and the bite of fire. You must slice it thin, almost as thin as this page you hold in your hands. The making of a ham dinner, like the making of a gentleman, starts a long, long time before the event. -- W.B. Courtney, 'Reflections of Maryland Country Ham', from 'Congress Eate It Up' YwI The scene: in a vast, painted desert, a cowboy faces his horse. Cowboy: 'Well, you've been a pretty good hoss, I guess. Hardworkin'. Not the fastest critter I ever come acrost, but...' Horse: 'No, stupid, not feed*back*. I said I wanted a feed*bag*.)WThe reason it's called 'Grape Nuts' is that it contains 'dextrose', which is also sometimes called 'grape sugar,' and also because 'Grape Nuts' is catchier, in terms of marketing, than 'A Cross Between Gerbil Food and Gravel,' which is what it tastes like. -- Dave Barry, 'Tips for Writer's'+]The only thing better than love is milk. The number of licorice gumballs you get out of a gumball machine increases in direct proportion to how much you hate licorice.Y7The number of feet in a yard is directly proportional to the success of the barbecue.#K'The National Association of Theater Concessionaires reported that in 1986, 60% of all candy sold in movie theaters was sold to Roger Ebert.' -- D. Letterman sT;sl]There are twenty-five people left in the world, and twenty-seven of them are hamburgers. -- Ed SandersV1There are times when truth is stranger than fiction and lunch time is one of them./There are three possible parts to a date, of which at least two must be offered: entertainment, food, and affection. It is customary to begin a series of dates with a great deal of entertainment, a moderate amount of food, and the merest suggestion of affection. As the amount of affection increases, the entertainment can be reduced proportionately. When the affection IS the entertainment, we no longer call it dating. Under no circumstances can the food be omitted. -- Miss Manners' Guide to Excruciatingly Correct Behaviour7uThe way to a man's stomach is through his esophagus.ocThe trouble with eating Italian food is that five or six days later you're hungry again. -- George Miller gs#Lg+%]This is National Non-Dairy Creamer Week.3$kThis is Betty Frenel. I don't know who to call but I can't reach my Food-a-holics partner. I'm at Vido's on my second pizza with sausage and mushroom. Jim, come and get me!a#GThirteen at a table is unlucky only when the hostess has only twelve chops. -- Groucho Marx@"There's nothing like the face of a kid eating a Hershey bar.-!aThere's always free cheese in a mousetrap.M There is no sincerer love than the love of food. -- George Bernard Shaw There is more simplicity in the man who eats caviar on impulse than in the man who eats Grape-Nuts on principle. -- G.K. Chesterton (&U ... This striving for excellence extends into people's personal lives as well. When '80s people buy something, they buy the best one, as determined by (1) price and (2) lack of availability. Eighties people buy imported dental floss. They buy gourmet baking soda. If an '80s couple goes to a restaurant where they have made a reservation three weeks in advance, and they are informed that their table is available, they stalk out immediately, because they know it is not an excellent restaurant. If it were, it would have an enormous crowd of excellence-oriented people like themselves waiting, their beepers going off like crickets in the night. An excellent restaurant wouldn't have a table ready immediately for anybody below the rank of Liza Minnelli. -- Dave Barry, 'In Search of Excellence'  'E To lose weight, eat less; to gain weight, eat more; if you merely wish to maintain, do whatever you were doing. The Bronx diet is a legitimate system of food therapy showing that food SHOULD be used a crutch and which food could be the most effective in promoting spiritual and emotional satisfaction. For the first time, an eater could instantly grasp the connection between relieving depression and Mallomars, and understand why a lover's quarrel isn't so bad if there's a pint of ice cream nearby. -- Richard Smith, 'The Bronx Diet' 99F+Two peanuts were walking through the New York. One was assaulted.Q*'Too Late A large number of turkies [sic] went to San Francisco yesterday by the two o'clock boats. If their object in going down was to participate in the Thanksgiving festivities of that city, they would arrive 'the day after the affair,' and of course be sadly disappointed thereby. -- Sacramento Daily Union, November 29, 1861#)MTom's hungry, time to eat lunch.(To see the butcher slap the steak, before he laid it on the block, and give his knife a sharpening, was to forget breakfast instantly. It was agreeable, too -- it really was -- to see him cut it off, so smooth and juicy. There was nothing savage in the act, although the knife was large and keen; it was a piece of art, high art; there was delicacy of touch, clearness of tone, skilful handling of the subject, fine shading. It was the triumph of mind over matter; quite. -- Dickens, 'Martin Chuzzlewit' $_E$4CWhen all else fails, EAT!!!I3When a person goes on a diet, the first thing he loses is his temper.J2What is important is food, money and opportunities for scoring off one's enemies. Give a man these three things and you won't hear much squawking out of him. -- Brian O'Nolan, 'The Best of Myles'O1#What is food to one, is to others bitter poison. -- Titus Lucretius Carus0EWhat foods these morsels be!1/iWake up and smell the coffee. -- Ann LandersT.-Waiter: 'Tea or coffee, gentlemen?' 1st customer: 'I'll have tea.' 2nd customer: 'Me, too -- and be sure the glass is clean!' (Waiter exits, returns) Waiter: 'Two teas. Which one asked for the clean glass?'--aVegetarians beware! You are what you eat.m,_Vegetables are what food eats. Fruit are vegetables that fool you by tasting good. Fish are fast moving vegetables. Mushrooms are what grows on vegetables when food's done with them. -- Meat Eater's Credo, according to Jim Williams 'W,b'8<wWhy do they call a fast a fast, when it goes so slow?G;Why do so many foods come packaged in plastic? It's quite uncanny.}:Whoever tells a lie cannot be pure in heart -- and only the pure in heart can make a good soup. -- Ludwig Van Beethoven9/While it may be true that a watched pot never boils, the one you don't keep an eye on can make an awful mess of your stove. -- Edward Stevenson88wWhere do you go to get anorexia? -- Shelley WintersT7-When you're dining out and you suspect something's wrong, you're probably right.36k 'When you wake up in the morning, Pooh,' said Piglet at last, 'what's the first thing you say to yourself?' 'What's for breakfast?' said Pooh. 'What do you say, Piglet?' 'I say, I wonder what's going to happen exciting today?' said Piglet. Pooh nodded thoughtfully. 'It's the same thing,' he said.o5cWhen my brain begins to reel from my literary labors, I make an occasional cheese dip. -- Ignatius Reilly 3>mWithout ice cream life and fame are meaningless.C= Without coffee he could not work, or at least he could not have worked in the way he did. In addition to paper and pens, he took with him everywhere as an indispensable article of equipment the coffee machine, which was no less important to him than his table or his white robe. -- Stefan Zweigs, Biography of Balzac ,R,(AUYou first parents of the human race... who ruined yourself for an apple, what might you have done for a truffled turkey? -- Brillat-savarin, 'Physiologie du Gout'w@sYou don't sew with a fork, so I see no reason to eat with knitting needles. -- Miss Piggy, on eating Chinese Food*?YYou can always tell the Christmas season is here when you start getting incredibly dense, tinfoil-and-ribbon- wrapped lumps in the mail. Fruitcakes make ideal gifts because the Postal Service has been unable to find a way to damage them. They last forever, largely because nobody ever eats them. In fact, many smart people save the fruitcakes they receive and send them back to the original givers the next year; some fruitcakes have been passed back and forth for hundreds of years. The easiest way to make a fruitcake is to buy a darkish cake, then pound some old, hard fruit into it with a mallet. Be sure to wear safety glasses. -- Dave Barry, 'Simple, Homespun Gifts' 7EDYou must dine in our cafeteria. You can eat dirt cheap there!!!!jCYYou know you're a little fat if you have stretch marks on your car. -- Cyrus, Chicago Reader 1/22/82YB7You know you have a small apartment when Rice Krispies echo. -- S. Rickly Christian #EKYou should tip the waiter $10, minus $2 if he tells you his name, another $2 if he claims it will be His Pleasure to serve you and another $2 for each 'special' he describes involving confusing terms such as 'shallots,' and $4 if the menu contains the word 'fixin's.' In many restaurants, this means the waiter will actually owe you money. If you are traveling with a child aged six months to three years, you should leave an additional amount equal to twice the bill to compensate for the fact that they will have to take the banquette out and burn it because the cracks are wedged solid with gobbets made of partially chewed former restaurant rolls saturated with baby spit. In New York, tip the taxicab driver $40 if he does not mention his hemorrhoids. -- Dave Barry, 'The Stuff of Etiquette'7|vpjd^XRLF@:4.(" as reading The Canterbury Tales one Saturday morning, when his wife asked 'What have you got there?' Replied he, 'Just my cup and Chaucer.'Z9A light wife doth make a heavy husband. -- Wm. Shakespeare, 'The Merchant of Venice'S+A kind of Batman of contemporary letters. -- Philip Larkin on Anthony Burgess$OA is for Apple. -- Hester Pryne5oA hundred years from now it is very likely that [of Twain's works] 'The Jumping Frog' alone will be remembered. -- Harry Thurston Peck (Editor of 'The Bookman'), January 1901.P%A horse! A horse! My kingdom for a horse! -- Wm|{ztngb ] U P L IC@?;:92.-,&" ~{tmge_XTMLD=93,)(#  krbk5 A man was reading The Canterbury Tales one Saturday morning, when his wife asked 'What have you got there?' Replied he, 'Just my cup and Chaucer.'Z9A light wife doth make a heavy husband. -- Wm. Shakespeare, 'The Merchant of Venice'S+A kind of Batman of contemporary letters. -- Philip Larkin on Anthony Burgess$OA is for Apple. -- Hester Pryne5oA hundred years from now it is very likely that [of Twain's works] 'The Jumping Frog' alone will be remembered. -- Harry Thurston Peck (Editor of 'The Bookman'), January 1901.P%A horse! A horse! My kingdom for a horse! -- Wm. Shakespeare, 'Henry VI'A classic is something that everyone wants to have read and nobody wants to read. -- Mark Twain, 'The Disappearance of Literature' A banker is a fellow who lends you his umbrella when the sun is shining and wants it back the minute it begins to rain. -- Mark Twain zn aA Tale of Two Cities LITE(tm) -- by Charles Dickens A lawyer who looks like a French Nobleman is executed in his place. The Metamorphosis LITE(tm) -- by Franz Kafka A man turns into a bug and his family gets annoyed. Lord of the Rings LITE(tm) -- by J.R.R. Tolkien Some guys take a long vacation to throw a ring into a volcano. Hamlet LITE(tm) -- by Wm. Shakespeare A college student on vacation with family problems, a screwy girl-friend and a mother who won't act her age.  ... A solemn, unsmiling, sanctimonious old iceberg who looked like he was waiting for a vacancy in the Trinity. -- Mark Twain B@fBY7All I know is what the words know, and dead things, and that makes a handsome little sum, with a beginning and a middle and an end, as in the well-built phrase and the long sonata of the dead. -- Samuel BeckettFAll generalizations are false, including this one. -- Mark Twainb IAlas, how love can trifle with itself! -- William Shakespeare, 'The Two Gentlemen of Verona't mAfter all, all he did was string together a lot of old, well-known quotations. -- H.L. Mencken, on Shakespeare= A Tale of Two Cities LITE(tm) -- by Charles Dickens A man in love with a girl who loves another man who looks just like him has his head chopped off in France because of a mean lady who knits. Crime and Punishment LITE(tm) -- by Fyodor Dostoevski A man sends a nasty letter to a pawnbroker, but later feels guilty and apologizes. The Odyssey LITE(tm) -- by Homer After working late, a valiant warrior gets lost on his way home. XOLsXpeAnyone who has had a bull by the tail knows five or six more things than someone who hasn't. -- Mark TwainN!And do you think (fop that I am) that I could be the Scarlet Pumpernickel?W3An honest tale speeds best being plainly told. -- William Shakespeare, 'Henry VI'iW'... an experienced, industrious, ambitious, and often quite often picturesque liar.' -- Mark Twainl]Always the dullness of the fool is the whetstone of the wits. -- William Shakespeare, 'As You Like It'Z9Always do right. This will gratify some people and astonish the rest. -- Mark TwainiWAll things that are, are with more spirit chased than enjoyed. -- Shakespeare, 'Merchant of Venice':{'... all the modern inconveniences ...' -- Mark Twain.aAll say, 'How hard it is that we have to die'--a strange complaint to come from the mouths of people who have had to live. -- Mark Twain, 'Pudd'nhead Wilson's Calendar' \B\=AWAKE! FEAR! FIRE! FOES! AWAKE! FEAR! FIRE! FOES! AWAKE! AWAKE! -- J. R. R. TolkienB At once it struck me what quality went to form a man of achievement, especially in literature, and which Shakespeare possessed so enormously -- I mean negative capability, that is, when a man is capable of being in uncertainties, mysteries, doubts, without any irritable reaching after fact and reason. -- John KeatsfQAs to the Adjective: when in doubt, strike it out. -- Mark Twain, 'Pudd'nhead Wilson's Calendar'k[As flies to wanton boys are we to the gods; they kill us for their sport. -- Shakespeare, 'King Lear'!GApril 1 This is the day upon which we are reminded of what we are on the other three hundred and sixty-four. -- Mark Twain, 'Pudd'nhead Wilson's Calendar' &x"&^#ABy trying we can easily learn to endure adversity. Another man's, I mean. -- Mark TwainW"3But, for my own part, it was Greek to me. -- William Shakespeare, 'Julius Caesar''!UBig book, big bore. -- Callimachus 3Behold, the fool saith, 'Put not all thine eggs in the one basket'--which is but a manner of saying, 'Scatter your money and your attention;' but the wise man saith, 'Put all your eggs in the one basket and--WATCH THAT BASKET.' -- Mark Twain, 'Pudd'nhead Wilson's Calendar'T-Be careful of reading health books, you might die of a misprint. -- Mark TwainAwash with unfocused desire, Everett twisted the lobe of his one remaining ear and felt the presence of somebody else behind him, which caused terror to push through his nervous system like a flash flood roaring down the mid-fork of the Feather River before the completion of the Oroville Dam in 1959. -- Grand Panjandrum's Special Award, 1984 Bulwer-Lytton bad fiction contest. DA#D(CConsider well the proportions of things. It is better to be a young June-bug than an old bird of paradise. -- Mark Twain, 'Pudd'nhead Wilson's Calendar';'}Conscience doth make cowards of us all. -- Shakespeare&?Condense soup, not books!_%CClothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society. -- Mark Twain\$=Civilization is the limitless multiplication of unnecessary necessities. -- Mark Twain NN/)cCourage is resistance to fear, mastery of fear--not absence of fear. Except a creature be part coward it is not a compliment to say it is brave; it is merely a loose misapplication of the word. Consider the flea!--incomparably the bravest of all the creatures of God, if ignorance of fear were courage. Whether you are asleep or awake he will attack you, caring nothing for the fact that in bulk and strength you are to him as are the massed armies of the earth to a sucking child; he lives both day and night and all days and nights in the very lap of peril and the immediate presence of death, and yet is no more afraid than is the man who walks the streets of a city that was threatened by an earthquake ten centuries before. When we speak of Clive, Nelson, and Putnam as men who 'didn't know what fear was,' we ought always to add the flea--and put him at the head of the procession. -- Mark Twain, 'Pudd'nhead Wilson's Calendar' hhx,uDon't go around saying the world owes you a living. The world owes you nothing. It was here first. -- Mark Twain +Delores breezed along the surface of her life like a flat stone forever skipping along smooth water, rippling reality sporadically but oblivious to it consistently, until she finally lost momentum, sank, and due to an overdose of flouride as a child which caused her to suffer from chronic apathy, doomed herself to lie forever on the floor of her life as useless as an appendix and as lonely as a five-hundred pound barbell in a steroid-free fitness center. -- Winning sentence, 1990 Bulwer-Lytton bad fiction contest. *Delay not, Caesar. Read it instantly. -- Shakespeare, 'Julius Caesar' 3,1 Here is a letter, read it at your leisure. -- Shakespeare, 'Merchant of Venice' 5,1 [Quoted in 'VMS Internals and Data Structures', V4.4, when referring to I/O system services.] ->R-v3qF.S. Fitzgerald to Hemingway: 'Ernest, the rich are different from us.' Hemingway: 'Yes. They have more money.'[2;Extreme fear can neither fight nor fly. -- William Shakespeare, 'The Rape of Lucrece'N1!Every why hath a wherefore. -- William Shakespeare, 'A Comedy of Errors'K0Every cloud engenders not a storm. -- William Shakespeare, 'Henry VI'/=Even the clearest and most perfect circumstantial evidence is likely to be at fault, after all, and therefore ought to be received with great caution. Take the case of any pencil, sharpened by any woman; if you have witnesses, you will find she did it with a knife; but if you take simply the aspect of the pencil, you will say that she did it with her teeth. -- Mark Twain, 'Pudd'nhead Wilson's Calendar'M.English literature's performing flea. -- Sean O'Casey on P.G. Wodehouseq-g'Elves and Dragons!' I says to him. 'Cabbages and potatoes are better for you and me.' -- J. R. R. Tolkien  X= 09eFor the fashion of Minas Tirith was such that it was built on seven levels, each delved into a hill, and about each was set a wall, and in each wall was a gate. -- J.R.R. Tolkien, 'The Return of the King' [Quoted in 'VMS Internals and Data Structures', V4.4, when referring to system overview.]M8For courage mounteth with occasion. -- William Shakespeare, 'King John'J7For a light heart lives long. -- Shakespeare, 'Love's Labour's Lost'~6Few things are harder to put up with than the annoyance of a good example. -- 'Mark Twain, Pudd'nhead Wilson's Calendar'@5Familiarity breeds contempt -- and children. -- Mark Twaind4MFame is a vapor; popularity an accident; the only earthly certainty is oblivion. -- Mark Twain h hX=5Gone With The Wind LITE(tm) -- by Margaret Mitchell A woman only likes men she can't have and the South gets trashed. Gift of the Magi LITE(tm) -- by O. Henry A husband and wife forget to register their gift preferences. The Old Man and the Sea LITE(tm) -- by Ernest Hemingway An old man goes fishing, but doesn't have much luck.[<;Go not to the elves for counsel, for they will say both yes and no. -- J.R.R. TolkienO;#For years a secret shame destroyed my peace-- I'd not read Eliot, Auden or MacNiece. But now I think a thought that brings me hope: Neither had Chaucer, Shakespeare, Milton, Pope. -- Justin Richardson. :For there are moments when one can neither think nor feel. And if one can neither think nor feel, she thought, where is one? -- Virginia Woolf, 'To the Lighthouse' [Quoted in 'VMS Internals and Data Structures', V4.4, when referring to powerfail recovery.] Ud!UMDHaving nothing, nothing can he lose. -- William Shakespeare, 'Henry VI'{C{Have a place for everything and keep the thing somewhere else; this is not advice, it is merely custom. -- Mark TwainABHarp not on that string. -- William Shakespeare, 'Henry VI' AHain't we got all the fools in town on our side? And hain't that a big enough majority in any town? -- Mark Twain, 'Huckleberry Finn'@?Habit is habit, and not to be flung out of the window by any man, but coaxed down-stairs a step at a time. -- Mark Twain, 'Pudd'nhead Wilson's Calendar?Grief can take care of itself; but to get the full value of a joy you must have somebody to divide it with. -- Mark Twaini>WGratitude and treachery are merely the two extremities of the same procession. You have seen all of it that is worth staying for when the band and the gaudy officials have gone by. -- Mark Twain, 'Pudd'nhead Wilson's Calendar' w%%YRL)Hell is empty and all the devils are here. -- Wm. Shakespeare, 'The Tempest'bKIHe was part of my dream, of course -- but then I was part of his dream too. -- Lewis CarrollfJQHe that is giddy thinks the world turns round. -- William Shakespeare, 'The Taming of the Shrew'bIIHe that breaks a thing to find out what it is has left the path of wisdom. -- J.R.R. TolkienYH7He jests at scars who never felt a wound. -- Shakespeare, 'Romeo and Juliet, II. 2'?GHe is now rising from affluence to poverty. -- Mark TwainPF%He hath eaten me out of house and home. -- William Shakespeare, 'Henry IV'EHe draweth out the thread of his verbosity finer than the staple of his argument. -- William Shakespeare, 'Love's Labour's Lost' TT)MWHis followers called him Mahasamatman and said he was a god. He preferred to drop the Maha- and the -atman, however, and called himself Sam. He never claimed to be a god. But then, he never claimed not to be a god. Circum- stances being what they were, neither admission could be of any benefit. Silence, though, could. It was in the days of the rains that their prayers went up, not from the fingering of knotted prayer cords or the spinning of prayer wheels, but from the great pray-machine in the monastery of Ratri, goddess of the Night. The high-frequency prayers were directed upward through the atmosphere and out beyond it, passing into that golden cloud called the Bridge of the Gods, which circles the entire world, is seen as a bronze rainbow at night and is the place where the red sun becomes orange at midday. Some of the monks doubted the orthodoxy of this prayer technique... -- Roger Zelazny, 'Lord of Light' $Wq$ TI must have a prodigious quantity of mind; it takes me as much as a week sometimes to make it up. -- Mark Twain, 'The Innocents Abroad'NS!I have never let my schooling interfere with my education. -- Mark TwainkR[I fell asleep reading a dull book, and I dreamt that I was reading on, so I woke up from sheer boredom.RQ)I dote on his very absence. -- William Shakespeare, 'The Merchant of Venice'P#I don't know half of you half as well as I should like; and I like less than half of you half as well as you deserve. -- J. R. R. TolkienVO1I do desire we may be better strangers. -- William Shakespeare, 'As You Like It'ON#How apt the poor are to be proud. -- William Shakespeare, 'Twelfth-Night' WOW8XuI will honour Christmas in my heart, and try to keep it all the year. I will live in the Past, the Present, and the Future. The Spirits of all Three shall strive within me. I will not shut out the lessons that they teach. Oh, tell me that I may sponge away the writing on this stone! -- Charles DickenscWKI was gratified to be able to answer promptly, and I did. I said I didn't know. -- Mark TwainVV1I think we are in Rats' Alley where the dead men lost their bones. -- T.S. Eliot.UaI reverently believe that the maker who made us all makes everything in New England, but the weather. I don't know who makes that, but I think it must be raw apprentices in the weather-clerks factory who experiment and learn how, in New England, for board and clothes, and then are promoted to make weather for countries that require a good article, and will take their custom elsewhere if they don't get it. -- Mark Twain <mR_)If you laid all of our laws end to end, there would be no end. -- Mark TwainY^7If two people love each other, there can be no happy end to it. -- Ernest Hemingwayr]iIf one cannot enjoy reading a book over and over again, there is no use in reading it at all. -- Oscar Wildeu\oIf more of us valued food and cheer and song above hoarded gold, it would be a merrier world. -- J.R.R. TolkienZ[9I've touch'd the highest point of all my greatness; And from that full meridian of my glory I haste now to my setting. I shall fall, Like a bright exhalation in the evening And no man see me more. -- Shakespeare/ZeI'll burn my books. -- Christopher MarloweU"/'Speak, thou vast and venerable head,' muttered Ahab, 'which, though ungarnished with a beard, yet here and there lookest hoary with mosses; speak, mighty head, and tell us the secret thing that is in thee. Of all divers, thou has dived the deepest. That head upon which the upper sun now gleams has moved amid the world's foundations. Wh! Sometimes I wonder if I'm in my right mind. Then it passes off and I'm as intelligent as ever. -- Samuel Beckett, 'Endgame'@ Something's rotten in the state of Denmark. -- ShakespeareqgSoap and education are not as sudden as a massacre, but they are more deadly in the long run. -- Mark TwainSo so is good, very good, very excellent good: and yet it is not; it is but so so. -- William Shakespeare, 'As You Like It'ere unrecorded names and navies rust, and untold hopes and anchors rot; where in her murderous hold this frigate earth is ballasted with bones of millions of the drowned; there, in that awful water-land, there was thy most familiar home. Thou hast been where bell or diver never went; has slept by many a sailer's side, where sleepless mothers would give their lives to lay them down. Thou saw'st the locked lovers when leaping from their flaming ship; heart to heart they sank beneath the exulting wave; true to each other, when heaven seemed false to them. Thou saw'st the murdered mate when tossed by pirates from the midnight deck; for hours he fell into the deeper midnight of the insatiate maw; and his murderers still sailed on unharmed -- while swift lightnings shivered the neighboring ship that would have borne a righteous husband to outstretched, longing arms. O head! thou has seen enough to split the planets and make an infidel of Abraham, and not one syllable is thine!' -- H. Melville, 'Moby Dick' $\$p&eSwerve me? The path to my fixed purpose is laid with iron rails, whereon my soul is grooved to run. Over unsounded gorges, through the rifled hearts of mountains, under torrents' beds, unerringly I rush! -- Captain Ahab, 'Moby Dick'A%Suspicion always haunts the guilty mind. -- Wm. Shakespeare $Stop! There was first a game of blindman's buff. Of course there was. And I no more believe Topper was really blind than I believe he had eyes in his boots. My opinion is, that it was a done thing between him and Scrooge's nephew; and that the Ghost of Christmas Present knew it. The way he went after that plump sister in the lace tucker, was an outrage on the credulity of human nature.#%Steady movement is more important than speed, much of the time. So long as there is a regular progression of stimuli to get your mental hooks into, there is room for lateral movement. Once this begins, its rate is a matter of discretion. -- Corwin, Prince of Amber 3X 3P,%The better part of valor is discretion. -- William Shakespeare, 'Henry IV'+'The bay-trees in our country are all wither'd And meteors fright the fixed stars of heaven; The pale-faced moon looks bloody on the earth And lean-look'd prophets whisper fearful change. These signs forerun the death or fall of kings. -- Wm. Shakespeare, 'Richard II'l*]The abuse of greatness is when it disjoins remorse from power. -- William Shakespeare, 'Julius Caesar'K)Tempt not a desperate man. -- William Shakespeare, 'Romeo and Juliet'_(CTell the truth or trump--but get the trick. -- Mark Twain, 'Pudd'nhead Wilson's Calendar'C' Talkers are no good doers. -- William Shakespeare, 'Henry VI' "-IThe bone-chilling scream split the warm summer night in two, the first half being before the scream when it was fairly balmy and calm and pleasant, the second half still balmy and quite pleasant for those who hadn't heard the scream at all, but not calm or balmy or even very nice for those who did hear the scream, discounting the little period of time during the actual scream itself when your ears might have been hearing it but your brain wasn't reacting yet to let you know. -- Winning sentence, 1986 Bulwer-Lytton bad fiction contest. ll.%The Bulwer-Lytton fiction contest is held ever year at San Jose State Univ. by Professor Scott Rice. It is held in memory of Edward George Earle Bulwer-Lytton (1803-1873), a rather prolific and popular (in his time) novelist. He is best known today for having written 'The Last Days of Pompeii.' Whenever Snoopy starts typing his novel from the top of his doghouse, beginning 'It was a dark and stormy night...' he is borrowing from Lord Bulwer-Lytton. This was the line that opened his novel, 'Paul Clifford,' written in 1830. The full line reveals why it is so bad: It was a dark and stormy night; the rain fell in torrents -- except at occasional intervals, when it was checked by a violent gust of wind which swept up the streets (for it is in London that our scene lies), rattling along the housetops, and fiercely agitating the scanty flame of the lamps that struggled against the darkness. @!@w2sThe difference between a Miracle and a Fact is exactly the difference between a mermaid and a seal. -- Mark Twaind1MThe devil can cite Scripture for his purpose. -- William Shakespeare, 'The Merchant of Venice'j0YThe countdown had stalled at 'T' minus 69 seconds when Desiree, the first female ape to go up in space, winked at me slyly and pouted her thick, rubbery lips unmistakably -- the first of many such advances during what would prove to be the longest, and most memorable, space voyage of my career. -- Winning sentence, 1985 Bulwer-Lytton bad fiction contest.m/_The camel died quite suddenly on the second day, and Selena fretted sullenly and, buffing her already impeccable nails -- not for the first time since the journey begain -- pondered snidely if this would dissolve into a vignette of minor inconveniences like all the other holidays spent with Basil. -- Winning sentence, 1983 Bulwer-Lytton bad fiction contest. nm\9=The last thing one knows in constructing a work is what to put first. -- Blaise Pascal}8The human race is a race of cowards; and I am not only marching in that procession but carrying a banner. -- Mark TwainY77The human race has one really effective weapon, and that is laughter. -- Mark TwainT6-The holy passion of Friendship is of so sweet and steady and loyal and enduring a nature that it will last through a whole lifetime, if not asked to lend money. -- Mark Twain, 'Pudd'nhead Wilson's Calendar'`5EThe first thing we do, let's kill all the lawyers. -- Wm. Shakespeare, 'Henry VI', Part IVg4SThe fashion wears out more apparel than the man. -- William Shakespeare, 'Much Ado About Nothing'3!The difference between the right word and the almost right word is the difference between lightning and the lightning bug. -- Mark Twainpardon, Mr. Pope, but there is something in that passage that does not quite please me.' Pope was rendered speechless, as this fine critic suggested sizeable and unwise emendations to his latest masterpiece. 'Be so good as to mark the place and consider at your leisure. I'm sure you can give it a better turn.' After the reading, a good friend of Lord Halifax, a certain Dr. Garth, took the stunned Pope to one side. 'There is no need to touch the lines,' he said. 'All you need do is leave them just as they are, call on Lord Halifax two or three months hence, thank him for his kind observation on those passages, and then read them to him as altered. I have known him much longer than you have, and will be answerable for the event.' Pope took his advice, called on Lord Halifax and read the poem exactly as it was before. His unique critical faculties had lost none of their edge. 'Ay', he commented, 'now they are perfectly right. Nothing can be better.' -- Stephen Pile, 'The Book of Heroic Failures' ^:AThe Least Perceptive Literary Critic The most important critic in our field of study is Lord Halifax. A most individual judge of poetry, he once invited Alexander Pope round to give a public reading of his latest poem. Pope, the leading poet of his day, was greatly surprised when Lord Halifax stopped him four or five times and said, 'I beg your  11K;The Least Successful Collector Betsy Baker played a central role in the history of collecting. She was employed as a servant in the house of John Warburton (1682-1759) who had amassed a fine collection of 58 first edition plays, including most of the works of Shakespeare. One day Warburton returned home to find 55 of them charred beyond legibility. Betsy had either burned them or used them as pie bottoms. The remaining three folios are now in the British Museum. The only comparable literary figure was the maid who in 1835 burned the manuscript of the first volume of Thomas Carlyle's 'The Hisory of the French Revolution', thinking it was wastepaper. -- Stephen Pile, 'The Book of Heroic Failures' ~`_?CThe naked truth of it is, I have no shirt. -- William Shakespeare, 'Love's Labour's Lost'>9The man who sets out to carry a cat by its tail learns something that will always be useful and which never will grow dim or doubtful. -- Mark Twain}=The lunatic, the lover, and the poet, Are of imagination all compact... -- Wm. Shakespeare, 'A Midsummer Night's Dream'~<The lovely woman-child Kaa was mercilessly chained to the cruel post of the warrior-chief Beast, with his barbarian tribe now stacking wood at her nubile feet, when the strong clear voice of the poetic and heroic Handsomas roared, 'Flick your Bic, crisp that chick, and you'll feel my steel through your last meal!' -- Winning sentence, 1984 Bulwer-Lytton bad fiction contest. z@y '...The name of the song is called 'Haddocks' Eyes'!' 'Oh, that's the name of the song, is it?' Alice said, trying to feel interested. 'No, you don't understand,' the Knight said, looking a little vexed. 'That's what the name is called. The name really is, 'The Aged Aged Man.'' 'Then I ought to have said 'That's what the song is called'?' Alice corrected herself. 'No, you oughtn't: that's quite another thing! The song is called 'Ways and Means': but that's only what it is called you know!' 'Well, what is the song then?' said Alice, who was by this time completely bewildered. 'I was coming to that,' the Knight said. 'The song really is 'A-sitting on a Gate': and the tune's my own invention.' --Lewis Carroll, 'Through the Looking Glass'  CThe only way to keep your health is to eat what you don't want, drink what you don't like, and do what you'd rather not. -- Mark Twain!BGThe only people for me are the mad ones -- the ones who are mad to live, mad to talk, mad to be saved, desirous of everything at the same time, the ones who never yawn or say a commonplace thing, but burn, burn, burn like fabulous yellow Roman candles. -- Jack Kerouac, 'On the Road'VA1The notes blatted skyward as they rose over the Canada geese, feathered rumps mooning the day, webbed appendages frantically pedaling unseen bicycles in their search for sustenance, driven by cruel Nature's maxim, 'Ya wanna eat, ya gotta work,' and at last I knew Pittsburgh. -- Winning sentence, 1987 Bulwer-Lytton bad fiction contest. (~3u(JIThe surest protection against temptation is cowardice. -- Mark TwainVH1The smallest worm will turn being trodden on. -- William Shakespeare, 'Henry VI'bGIThe secret source of humor is not joy but sorrow; there is no humor in Heaven. -- Mark TwainHFThe ripest fruit falls first. -- William Shakespeare, 'Richard II':E{The Public is merely a multiplied 'me.' -- Mark TwainAD The Priest's grey nimbus in a niche where he dressed discreetly. I will not sleep here tonight. Home also I cannot go. A voice, sweetened and sustained, called to him from the sea. Turning the curve he waved his hand. A sleek brown head, a seal's, far out on the water, round. Usurper. -- James Joyce, 'Ulysses' #}LThere are more things in heaven and earth, Horatio, than are dreamt of in your philosophy. -- Wm. Shakespeare, 'Hamlet']K?The very ink with which all history is written is merely fluid prejudice. -- Mark TwainyJwThe true Southern watermelon is a boon apart, and not to be mentioned with commoner things. It is chief of the world's luxuries, king by the grace of God over all the fruits of the earth. When one has tasted it, he knows what the angels eat. It was not a Southern watermelon that Eve took; we know it because she repented. -- Mark Twain, 'Pudd'nhead Wilson's Calendar' OHP)There is an old time toast which is golden for its beauty. 'When you ascend the hill of prosperity may you not meet a friend.' -- Mark TwainO There is always one thing to remember: writers are always selling somebody out. -- Joan Didion, 'Slouching Towards Bethlehem'}NThere is a great discovery still to be made in Literature: that of paying literary men by the quantity they do NOT write.-M_There are three infallible ways of pleasing an author, and the three form a rising scale of compliment: 1, to tell him you have read one of his books; 2, to tell him you have read all of his books; 3, to ask him to let you read the manuscript of his forthcoming book. No. 1 admits you to his respect; No. 2 admits you to his admiration; No. 3 carries you clear into his heart. -- Mark Twain, 'Pudd'nhead Wilson's Calendar' xcUxyUwThey have been at a great feast of languages, and stolen the scraps. -- William Shakespeare, 'Love's Labour's Lost'^TAThere's small choice in rotten apples. -- William Shakespeare, 'The Taming of the Shrew'-S_There is no hunting like the hunting of man, and those who have hunted armed men long enough and liked it, never care for anything else thereafter. -- Ernest HemingwayZR9There is no distinctly native American criminal class except Congress. -- Mark TwainQ7There is no character, howsoever good and fine, but it can be destroyed by ridicule, howsoever poor and witless. Observe the ass, for instance: his character is about perfect, he is the choicest spirit among all the humbler animals, yet see what ridicule has brought him to. Instead of feeling complimented when we are called an ass, we are left in doubt. -- Mark Twain, 'Pudd'nhead Wilson's Calendar' f~"-Qf-]_Training is everything. The peach was once a bitter almond; cauliflower is nothing but cabbage with a college education. -- Mark Twain, 'Pudd'nhead Wilson's Calendar'7\uToo much is just enough. -- Mark Twain, on whiskey[To be or not to be. -- Shakespeare To do is to be. -- Nietzsche To be is to do. -- Sartre Do be do be do. -- SinatraUZ/This was the most unkindest cut of all. -- William Shakespeare, 'Julius Caesar'dYMThis night methinks is but the daylight sick. -- William Shakespeare, 'The Merchant of Venice' XThis is the first age that's paid much attention to the future, which is a little ironic since we may not have one. -- Arthur ClarkeYW7Things past redress and now with me past care. -- William Shakespeare, 'Richard II'VThey spell it 'da Vinci' and pronounce it 'da Vinchy'. Foreigners always spell better than they pronounce. -- Mark Twain Db=We know all about the habits of the ant, we know all about the habits of the bee, but we know nothing at all about the habits of the oyster. It seems almost certain that we have been choosing the wrong time for studying the oyster. -- Mark Twain, 'Pudd'nhead Wilson's Calendar'Ca Water, taken in moderation cannot hurt anybody. -- Mark Twain;`}Wagner's music is better than it sounds. -- Mark Twain^_AUnless hours were cups of sack, and minutes capons, and clocks the tongues of bawds, and dials the signs of leaping houses, and the blessed sun himself a fair, hot wench in flame-colored taffeta, I see no reason why thou shouldst be so superfluous to demand the time of the day. I wasted time and now doth time waste me. -- William ShakespeareW^3Truth is the most valuable thing we have -- so let us economize it. -- Mark Twain d d:g{What I tell you three times is true. -- Lewis CarrolltfmWhat good is an obscenity trial except to popularize literature? -- Nero Wolfe, 'The League of Frightened Men'geSWell, anyway, I was reading this James Bond book, and right away I realized that like most books, it had too many words. The plot was the same one that all James Bond books have: An evil person tries to blow up the world, but Jame7dsWe were young and our happiness dazzled us with its strength. But there was also a terrible betrayal that lay within me like a Merle Haggard song at a French restaurant. [...] I cou.caWe should be careful to get out of an experience only the wisdom that is in it - and stay there, lest we be like the cat that sits down on a hot stove-lid. She will never sit down on a hot stove-lid again - and that is well; but also she will never sit down on a cold one any more. -- Mark Twainld not tell the girl about the woman of the tollway, of her milk white BMW and her Jordache smile. There had been a fight. I had punched her boyfriend, who fought the mechanical bulls. Everyone told him, 'You ride the bull, senor. You do not fight it.' But he was lean and tough like a bad rib-eye and he fought the bull. And then he fought me. And when we finished there were no winners, just men doing what men must do. [...] 'Stop the car,' the girl said. There was a look of terrible sadness in her eyes. She knew about the woman of the tollway. I knew not how. I started to speak, but she raised an arm and spoke with a quiet and peace I will never forget. 'I do not ask for whom's the tollway belle,' she said, 'the tollway belle's for thee.' The next morning our youth was a memory, and our happiness was a lie. Life is like a bad margarita with good tequila, I thought as I poured whiskey onto my granola and faced a new day. -- Peter Applebome, International Imitation Hemingway Competitions Bond kills him and his henchmen and makes love to several attractive women. There, that's it: 24 words. But the guy who wrote the book took *thousands* of words to say it. Or consider 'The Brothers Karamazov', by the famous Russian alcoholic Fyodor Dostoyevsky. It's about these two brothers who kill their father. Or maybe only one of them kills the father. It's impossible to tell because what they mostly do is talk for nearly a thousand pages. If all Russians talk as much as the Karamazovs did, I don't see how they found time to become a major world power. I'm told that Dostoyevsky wrote 'The Brothers Karamazov' to raise the question of whether there is a God. So why didn't he just come right out and say: 'Is there a God? It sure beats the heck out of me.' Other famous works could easily have been summarized in a few words: * 'Moby Dick' -- Don't mess around with large whales because they symbolize nature and will kill you. * 'A Tale of Two Cities' -- French people are crazy. -- Dave Barry P'iQPtnmWhen you are about to die, a wombat is better than no company at all. -- Roger Zelazny, 'Doorways in the Sand'Sm+When one burns one's bridges, what a very nice fire it makes. -- Dylan Thomas1liWhen in doubt, tell the truth. -- Mark Twaink-When I was younger, I could remember anything, whether it had happened or not; but my faculties are decaying now and soon I shall be so I cannot remember any but the things that never happened. It is sad to go to pieces like this but we all have to do it. -- Mark Twain:jyWhen I reflect upon the number of disagreeable people who I know who have gone to a better world, I am moved to lead a different life. -- Mark Twain, 'Pudd'nhead Wilson's Calendar'ciKWhen angry, count four; when very angry, swear. -- Mark Twain, 'Pudd'nhead Wilson's Calendar'pheWhat no spouse of a writer can ever understand is that a writer is working when he's staring out the window. E EKtWrinkles should merely indicate where smiles have been. -- Mark Twain}sWork consists of whatever a body is obliged to do. Play consists of whatever a body is not obliged to do. -- Mark Twain rEWhy is it that we rejoice at a birth and grieve at a funeral? It is because we are not the person involved. -- Mark Twain, 'Pudd'nhead Wilson's Calendar'hqUWhoever has lived long enough to find out what life is, knows how deep a debt of gratitude we owe to Adam, the first great benefactor of our race. He brought death into the world. -- Mark Twain, 'Pudd'nhead Wilson's Calendar'epOWhenever you find that you are on the side of the majority, it is time to reform. -- Mark TwainqogWhenever the literary German dives into a sentence, that is the last you are going to see of him until he emerges on the other side of his Atlantic with his verb in his mouth. -- Mark Twain 'A Connecticut Yankee in King Arthur's Court' 9u)&9izWYou mentioned your name as if I should recognize it, but beyond the obvious facts that you are a bachelor, a solicitor, a freemason, and an asthmatic, I know nothing whatever about you. -- Sherlock Holmes, 'The Norwood Builder'yYou may my glories and my state dispose, But not my griefs; still am I king of those. -- William Shakespeare, 'Richard II'x3 'You have heard me speak of Professor Moriarty?' 'The famous scientific criminal, as famous among crooks as --' 'My blushes, Watson,' Holmes murmured, in a deprecating voice. 'I was about to say 'as he is unknown to the public.'' -- A. Conan Doyle, 'The Valley of Fear'awG'You have been in Afghanistan, I perceive.' -- Sir Arthur Conan Doyle, 'A Study in Scarlet'IvWriting is turning one's worst moments into money. -- J.P. DonleavyuWriting is easy; all you do is sit staring at the blank sheet of paper until drops of blood form on your forehead. -- Gene Fowler f{QYou never have to change anything you got up in the middle of the night to write. -- Saul Bellow $$X|5You see, I consider that a man's brain originally is like a little empty attic, and you have to stock it with such furniture as you choose. A fool takes in all the lumber of every sort he comes across, so that the knowledge which might be useful to him gets crowded out, or at best is jumbled up with a lot of other things, so that he has difficulty in laying his hands upon it. Now the skilful workman is very careful indeed as to what he takes into his brain-attic. He will have nothing but the tools which may help him in doing his work, but of these he has a large assortment, and all in the most perfect order. It is a mistake to think that that little room has elastic walls and can distend to any extent. Depend upon it there comes a time when for every addition of knowledge you forget something that you knew before. It is of the highest importance, therefore, not to have useless facts elbowing out the useful ones. -- Sir Arthur Conan Doyle, 'A Study in Scarlet' MXI'I understand this is your first dead client,' Sabian was saying. The absurdity of the statement made me want to laugh but they don't call me Deadpan Allie and lie. -- Pat Cadigan, 'Mindplayers'jYThe mind is its own place, and in itself Can make a Heav'n of Hell, a Hell of Heav'n. -- John Milton Zounds! I was never so bethumped with words since I first called my brother's father dad. -- William Shakespeare, 'Kind John'3Your manuscript is both good and original, but the part that is good is not original and the part that is original is not good. -- Samuel JohnsonM~ You will remember, Watson, how the dreadful business of the Abernetty family was first brought to my notice by the depth which the parsley had sunk into the butter upon a hot day. -- Sherlock HolmesD} You tread upon my patience. -- William Shakespeare, 'Henry IV' una'What's this? Trix? Aunt! Trix? You? You're after the prize! What is it?' He picked up the box and studied the back. 'A glow-in-the-dark squid! Have you got it out of there yet?' He tilted the box, angling the little colored balls of cereal so as to see the bottom, and nearly spilling them onto the table top. 'Here it is!' He hauled out a little cream-colored, glitter-sprinkled squid, three-inches long and made out of rubbery plastic. -- James P. Blaylock, 'The Last Coin'A morgue is a morgue is a morgue. They can paint the walls with aggressively cheerful primary colors and splashy bold graphics, but it's still a holding place for the dead until they can be parted out to organ banks. Not that I would have cared normally but my viewpoint was skewed. The relentless pleasance of the room I sat in seemed only grotesque. -- Pat Cadigan, 'Mindplayers'* Dysmga[UOIC=71+% Imitate a WOUNDED SEAL pleading for a PARKING SPACE!!I All this time I've been VIEWING a RUSSIAN MIDGET SODOMIZE a HOUSECAT!K All right, you degenerates! I want this place evacuated in 20 seconds!1iAll of life is a blur of Republicans and meat!5All of a sudden, I want to THROW OVER my promising ACTING CAREER, grow a LONG BLACK BEARD and wear a BASEBALL HAT!! ... Although I don't know WHY!!|}All I can think of is a platter of organic PRUNE CRISPS being trampled by an army of swarthy, Italian LOUNGE SINGERS ...6sActually, what I'd like is a little toy spaceship!! A wide-eyed, innocent UNICORN, poised delicately in a MEADOW filled with LILACS, LOCBAx@k?]>R=E<:;0:%9876}5s4i3Z2R1F0;/-. -,+|*l)\(P'@&1%#$#"y!m cUH:. L?{b/LI Alright, you!! Imitate a WOUNDED SEAL pleading for a PARKING SPACE!!I All this time I've been VIEWING a RUSSIAN MIDGET SODOMIZE a HOUSECAT!K All right, you degenerates! I want this place evacuated in 20 seconds!1iAll of life is a blur of Republicans and meat!5All of a sudden, I want to THROW OVER my promising ACTING CAREER, grow a LONG BLACK BEARD and wear a BASEBALL HAT!! ... Although I don't know WHY!!|}All I can think of is a platter of organic PRUNE CRISPS being trampled by an army of swarthy, Italian LOUNGE SINGERS ...6sActually, what I'd like is a little toy spaceship!! A wide-eyed, innocent UNICORN, poised delicately in a MEADOW filled with LILACS, LOLLIPOPS & small CHILDREN at the HUSH of twilight??B A shapely CATHOLIC SCHOOLGIRL is FIDGETING inside my costume../eA dwarf is passing out somewhere in Detroit!JA can of ASPARAGUS, 73 pigeons, some LIVE ammo, and a FROZEN DAQUIRI!! <F dJ4u<7uAs President I have to go vacuum my coin collection!CAre you still an ALCOHOLIC?D Are you selling NYLON OIL WELLS?? If so, we can use TWO DOZEN!!'UAre you mentally here at Pizza Hut??.cAre we THERE yet? My MIND is a SUBMARINE!!/Are we THERE yet?7Are we on STRIKE yet?;Are we live or on tape?1iAre the STEWED PRUNES still in the HAIR DRYER?U/ANN JILLIAN'S HAIR makes LONI ANDERSON'S HAIR look like RICARDO MONTALBAN'S HAIR!:{And furthermore, my bowling average is unimpeachable!!!9yAn Italian is COMBING his hair in suburban DES MOINES!JAn INK-LING? Sure -- TAKE one!! Did you BUY any COMMUNIST UNIFORMS??1iAn air of FRENCH FRIES permeates my nostrils!! America!! I saw it all!! Vomiting! Waving! JERRY FALWELLING into your void tube of UHF oblivion!! SAFEWAY of the mind .../Am I SHOPLIFTING?EAm I in GRADUATE SCHOOL yet? /Am I elected yet?, _Am I accompanied by a PARENT or GUARDIAN? Y,cR*YE.Catsup and Mustard all over the place! It's the Human Hamburger!-?Can you MAIL a BEAN CAKE?&,SCan I have an IMPULSE ITEM instead?B+ But was he mature enough last night at the lesbian masquerade?&*SBut they went to MARS around 1953!!H)Boys, you have ALL been selected to LEAVE th' PLANET in 15 minutes!!#(MBoy, am I glad it's only 1971...'=Bo Derek ruined my life!5&q... bleakness ... desolation ... plastic forks ...L%BI-BI-BI-BI-BI-BI-BI-BI-BI-BI-BI-BI-BI-BI-BI-BI-BI-BI-BI-BI-BI-BI-BI-BI-!$IBELA LUGOSI is my co-pilot ...D# Being a BALD HERO is almost as FESTIVE as a TATTOOED KNOCKWURST.^"ABARRY ... That was the most HEART-WARMING rendition of 'I DID IT MY WAY' I've ever heard!!y!wBarbie says, Take quaaludes in gin and go to a disco right away! But Ken says, WOO-WOO!! No credit at 'Mr. Liquor'!!& SBARBARA STANWYCK makes me nervous!!/eAwright, which one of you hid my PENIS ENVY? E9ggEE8:wDid YOU find a DIGITAL WATCH in YOUR box of VELVEETA?95Did I SELL OUT yet??*8[Did I say I was a sardine? Or a bus??? 7GDid I do an INCORRECT THING??]6?Did an Italian CRANE OPERATOR just experience uninhibited sensations in a MALIBU HOT TUB? 5GCould I have a drug overdose?s4kContent: 80% POLYESTER, 20% DACRONi ... The waitress's UNIFORM sheds TARTAR SAUCE like an 8' by 10' GLOSSY ...3CONGRATULATIONS! Now should I make thinly veiled comments about DIGNITY, self-esteem and finding TRUE FUN in your RIGHT VENTRICLE??O2#Concentrate on th'cute, li'l CARTOON GUYS! Remember the SERIAL NUMBERS!! Follow the WHIPPLE AVE. EXIT!! Have a FREE PEPSI!! Turn LEFT at th'HOLIDAY INN!! JOIN the CREDIT WORLD!! MAKE me an OFFER!!!L1Clear the laundromat!! This whirl-o-matic just had a nuclear meltdown!!30mCivilization is fun! Anyway, it keeps me busy!!B/ CHUBBY CHECKER just had a CHICKEN SANDWICH in downtown DULUTH! RFL\)kRH5Don't SANFORIZE me!!.GcDon't hit me!! I'm in the Twilight Zone!!! FDON'T go!! I'm not HOWARD COSELL!! I know POLISH JOKES ... WAIT!! Don't go!! I AM Howard Cosell! ... And I DON'T know Polish jokes!!1Eidoes your DRESSING ROOM have enough ASPARAGUS?CD Does someone from PEORIA have a SHORTER ATTENTION span than me?BC Do you think the 'Monkees' should get gas on odd or even days? BGDo you like 'TENDER VITTLES'?CA Do you have exactly what I want in a plaid poindexter bar bat???@Do you guys know we just passed thru a BLACK HOLE in space??ADo I have a lifestyle yet?>3Disco oil bussing will create a throbbing naugahide pipeline running straight to the tropics from the rug producing regions and devalue the dollar!<=Didn't I buy a 1951 Packard from you last March in Cairo?9<yDIDI ... is that a MARTIAN name, or, are we in ISRAEL??;Did you move a lot of KOREAN STEAK KNIVES this trip, Dingy? :>)qY:UAfor ARTIFICIAL FLAVORING!!ITFOOLED you! Absorb EGO SHATTERING impulse rays, polyester poltroon!!tSmFirst, I'm going to give you all the ANSWERS to today's test ... So just plug in your SONY WALKMANS and relax!!UR/Finally, Zippy drives his 1958 RAMBLER METROPOLITAN into the faculty dining room.$QOFEELINGS are cascading over me!!!YP7Excuse me, but didn't I tell you there's NO HOPE for the survival of OFFSET PRINTING?5OqEverywhere I look I see NEGATIVITY and ASPHALT ...UN/Everybody is going somewhere!! It's probably a garage sale or a disaster Movie!!MEEverybody gets free BORSCHT!4LoEither CONFESS now or we go to 'PEOPLE'S COURT'!!bB I am deeply CONCERNED and I want something GOOD for BREAKFAST!HI am covered with pure vegetable oil and I am writing a best seller!II am a traffic light, and Alan Ginzberg kidnapped my laundry in 1927!+]I am a jelly donut. I am a jelly donut.2kI always have fun because I'm out of my mind!!!B HUMAN REPLICAS are inserted into VATS of NUTRITIONAL YEAST ...EHUGH BEAUMONT died in 1982!!I~hubub, hubub, HUBUB, hubub, hubub, hubub, HUBUB, hubub, hubub, hubub.7}uHow's the wife? Is she at home enjoying capitalism?/|eHow's it going in those MODULAR LOVE UNITS??^{AHow many retured bricklayers from FLORIDA are out purchasing PENCIL SHARPENERS right NOW??azGHow do you explain Wayne Newton's POWER over millions? It's th' MOUSTACHE ... Have you ever noticed th' way it radiates SINCERITY, HONESTY & WARMTH? It's a MOUSTACHE you want to take HOME and introduce to NANCY SINATRA! #tAgOl]#7uI don't understand the HUMOUR of the THREE STOOGES!!2k... I don't like FRANK SINATRA or his CHILDREN.\=I don't know WHY I said that ... I think it came from the FILLINGS in my rear molars ...xu... I don't know why but, suddenly, I want to discuss declining I.Q. LEVELS with a blue ribbon SENATE SUB-COMMITTEE!5I don't believe there really IS a GAS SHORTAGE.. I think it's all just a BIG HOAX on the part of the plastic sign salesmen -- to sell more numbers!!D  I didn't order any WOO-WOO ... Maybe a YUBBA ... But no WOO-WOO! 1I demand IMPUNITY!s kI can't think about that. It doesn't go with HEDGES in the shape of LITTLE LULU -- or ROBOTS making BRICKS ...a GI can't decide which WRONG TURN to make first!! I wonder if BOB GUCCIONE has these problems!0 gI brought my BOWLING BALL -- and some DRUGS!!0gI appoint you ambassador to Fantasy Island!!!1I am NOT a nut....>I am having FUN... I wonder if it's NET FUN or GROSS FUN? -?6pJ'~W-'#U... I have read the INSTRUCTIONS ...$"OI have many CHARTS and DIAGRAMS..*![I have accepted Provolone into my life!H I have a VISION! It's a RANCID double-FISHWICH on an ENRICHED BUN!!.cI have a very good DENTAL PLAN. Thank you. GI have a TINY BOWL in my HEAD#MI had pancake makeup for brunch!6sI had a lease on an OEDIPUS COMPLEX back in '81 ...B I guess you guys got BIG MUSCLES from doing too much STUDYING!EI guess it was all a DREAM ... or an episode of HAWAII FIVE-O ...5I fill MY industrial waste containers with old copies of the 'WATCHTOWER' and then add HAWAIIAN PUNCH to the top ... They look NICE in the yard ...!II feel partially hydrogenated!FI feel like I'm in a Toilet Bowl with a thumbtack in my forehead!!EI feel like I am sharing a ``CORN-DOG'' with NIKITA KHRUSCHEV ...-aI feel like a wet parking meter on Darvon!*[I feel better about world problems now!9I feel ... JUGULAR ... J<a)>gJ1;I just had a NOSE JOB!!R0)I just got my PRINCE bumper sticker ... But now I can't remember WHO he is ...//eI just forgot my whole philosophy of life!!!*.[I joined scientology at a garage sale!! -GI invented skydiving in 1989!^,AI hope you millionaires are having fun! I just invested half your life savings in yeast!!7+uI hope the ``Eurythmics'' practice birth control ...M*I hope something GOOD came in the mail today so I have a REASON to live!!5)qI hope I bought the right relish ... zzzzzzzzz ...h(UI haven't been married in over six years, but we had sexual counseling every day from Oral Roberts!!m'_I HAVE to buy a new 'DODGE MISER' and two dozen JORDACHE JEANS because my viewscreen is 'USER-FRIENDLY'!!E&I have the power to HALT PRODUCTION on all TEENAGE SEX COMEDIES!!Z%9I have seen these EGG EXTENDERS in my Supermarket ... I have read the INSTRUCTIONS ...$?-- I have seen the FUN -- ;\-\#;D@ I once decorated my apartment entirely in ten foot salad forks!!P?%I need to discuss BUY-BACK PROVISIONS with at least six studio SLEAZEBALLS!!K>I love ROCK 'N ROLL! I memorized the all WORDS to 'WIPE-OUT' in 1965!![=;-- I love KATRINKA because she drives a PONTIAC. We're going away now. I fed the cat.<CI like your SNOOPY POSTER!!K;I like the way ONLY their mouths move ... They look like DYING OYSTERS%:QI left my WALLET in the BATHROOM!!A9I know things about TROY DONAHUE that can't even be PRINTED!!78uI know th'MAMBO!! I have a TWO-TONE CHEMISTRY SET!!%7QI know how to do SPECIAL EFFECTS!!6+I Know A Joke!!W53I KAISER ROLL?! What good is a Kaiser Roll without a little COLE SLAW on the SIDE?,4_I just remembered something about a TOAD!b3II just heard the SEVENTIES were over!! And I was just getting in touch with my LEISURE SUIT!!<2I just had my entire INTESTINAL TRACT coated with TEFLON! )fIOO-J)PCI want a WESSON OIL lease!!9OyI want a VEGETARIAN BURRITO to go ... with EXTRA MSG!!1Ni... I want a COLOR T.V. and a VIBRATING BED!!!pMeI used to be a FUNDAMENTALIST, but then I heard about the HIGH RADIATION LEVELS and bought an ENCYCLOPEDIA!!LEI think my career is ruined!iKWI think I'll KILL myself by leaping out of this 14th STORY WINDOW while reading ERICA JONG'S poetry!!\J=... I think I'd better go back to my DESK and toy with a few common MISAPPREHENSIONS ...2IkI think I am an overnight sensation right now!!6HsI smell like a wet reducing clinic on Columbus Day!GAI smell a RANCID CORN DOG!HFI selected E5 ... but I didn't hear 'Sam the Sham and the Pharoahs'!EA... I see TOILET SEATS ...3DmI request a weekend in Havana with Phil Silvers!C;I represent a sardine!!UB/I put aside my copy of 'BOWLING WORLD' and think about GUN CONTROL legislation...?AI own seven-eighths of all the artists in downtown Burbank! #}r*f o#I\I was born in a Hostess Cupcake factory before the sexual revolution![5I want you to organize my PASTRY trays ... my TEA-TINS are gleaming in formation like a ROW of DRUM MAJORETTES -- please don't be FURIOUS with me --XZ5I want you to MEMORIZE the collected poems of EDNA ST VINCENT MILLAY ... BACKWARDS!!7YuI want to so HAPPY, the VEINS in my neck STAND OUT!!DX I want to read my new poem about pork brains and outer space ...@W... I want to perform cranial activities with Tuesday Weld!!EVI want to kill everyone here with a cute colorful Hydrogen Bomb!!_UCI want to dress you up as TALLULAH BANKHEAD and cover you with VASELINE and WHEAT THINS ...HTI want the presidency so bad I can already taste the hors d'oeuvres.[S;... I want FORTY-TWO TRYNEL FLOATATION SYSTEMS installed within SIX AND A HALF HOURS!!!NR!I want EARS! I want two ROUND BLACK EARS to make me feel warm 'n secure!!/QeI want another RE-WRITE on my CEASAR SALAD!! <ELm1a<"lKI'm also against BODY-SURFING!!IkI'm a nuclear submarine under the polar ice cap and I need a Kleenex!KjI'm a GENIUS! I want to dispute sentence structure with SUSAN SONTAG!!3imI'm a fuschia bowling ball somewhere in Brittany9hyI'll show you MY telex number if you show me YOURS ...)gYI'll eat ANYTHING that's BRIGHT BLUE!!>fI'd like some JUNK FOOD ... and then I want to be ALONE --2ekI'd like MY data-base JULIENNED and stir-fried!:d{I would like to urinate in an OVULAR, porcelain pool --0cgI wonder if there's anything GOOD on tonight?.bcI wonder if I should put myself in ESCROW!!Sa+I wonder if I ought to tell them about my PREVIOUS LIFE as a COMPLETE STRANGER?<`I wonder if I could ever get started in the credit world?C_ I wish I was on a Cincinnati street corner holding a clean dog!C^ I wish I was a sex-starved manicurist found dead in the Bronx!!,]_I was making donuts and now I'm on a bus! /6fr. W/%|QI'm having an emotional outburst!!F{I'm having a tax-deductible experience! I need an energy crunch!!Dz I'm having a RELIGIOUS EXPERIENCE ... and I don't take any DRUGS yGI'm having a MID-WEEK CRISIS!!xII'm having a BIG BANG THEORY!!AwI'm gliding over a NUCLEAR WASTE DUMP near ATLANTA, Georgia!!6vsI'm GLAD I remembered to XEROX all my UNDERSHIRTS!!5uqI'm encased in the lining of a pure pork sausage!!9tyI'm EMOTIONAL now because I have MERCHANDISING CLOUT!!Ds I'm dressing up in an ill-fitting IVY-LEAGUE SUIT!! Too late...arGI'm DESPONDENT ... I hope there's something DEEP-FRIED under this miniature DOMED STADIUM ...qEI'm definitely not in Omaha!GpI'm continually AMAZED at th'breathtaking effects of WIND EROSION!!boII'm changing the CHANNEL ... But all I get is commercials for 'RONCO MIRACLE BAMBOO STEAMERS'!&nSI'm ANN LANDERS!! I can SHOPLIFT!!9myI'm also pre-POURED pre-MEDITATED and pre-RAPHAELITE!! ;cKH#U/I'm pretending that we're all watching PHIL SILVERS instead of RICARDO MONTALBAN!EI'm pretending I'm pulling in a TROUT! Am I doing it correctly??"KI'm not available for comment..7uI'm not an Iranian!! I voted for Dianne Feinstein!!k[I'm mentally OVERDRAWN! What's that SIGNPOST up ahead? Where's ROD STERLING when you really need him?X5I'm meditating on the FORMALDEHYDE and the ASBESTOS leaking into my PERSONAL SPACE!!1I'm into SOFTWARE!9yI'm in direct contact with many advanced fun CONCEPTS.X5... I'm IMAGINING a sensuous GIRAFFE, CAVORTING in the BACK ROOM of a KOSHER DELI -->I'm having fun HITCHHIKING to CINCINNATI or FAR ROCKAWAY!!c~KI'm having BEAUTIFUL THOUGHTS about the INSIPID WIVES of smug and wealthy CORPORATE LAWYERS ...\}=I'm having an EMOTIONAL OUTBURST!! But, uh, WHY is there a WAFFLE in my PAJAMA POCKET?? 5wAyf5HI'm ZIPPY the PINHEAD and I'm totally committed to the festive mode.O#I'm young ... I'm HEALTHY ... I can HIKE THRU CAPT GROGAN'S LUMBAR REGIONS!3I'm wet! I'm wild!7I'm wearing PAMPERS!!]?I'm using my X-RAY VISION to obtain a rare glimpse of the INNER WORKINGS of this POTATO!!Q'I'm totally DESPONDENT over the LIBYAN situation and the price of CHICKEN ...[;I'm thinking about DIGITAL READ-OUT systems and computer-generated IMAGE FORMATIONS ...^AI'm sitting on my SPEED QUEEN ... To me, it's ENJOYABLE ... I'm WARM ... I'm VIBRATORY ...EI'm shaving!! I'M SHAVING!!R )I'm reporting for duty as a modern person. I want to do the Latin Hustle now!N !I'm RELIGIOUS!! I love a man with a HAIRPIECE!! Equip me with MISSILES!!3 mI'm receiving a coded message from EUBIE BLAKE!! /I'm rated PG-34!!o cI'm QUIETLY reading the latest issue of 'BOWLING WORLD' while my wife and two children stand QUIETLY BY ... P^9\PD  If I had a Q-TIP, I could prevent th' collapse of NEGOTIATIONS!!B If I felt any more SOPHISTICATED I would DIE of EMBARRASSMENT!}If I am elected, the concrete barriers around the WHITE HOUSE will be replaced by tasteful foam replicas of ANN MARGARET!D If I am elected no one will ever have to do their laundry again!S+If elected, Zippy pledges to each and every American a 55-year-old houseboy ...$MIf a person is FAMOUS in this country, they have to go on the ROAD for MONTHS at a time and have their name misspelled on the SIDE of a GREYHOUND SCENICRUISER!!-... ich bin in einem dusenjet ins jahr 53 vor chr ... ich lande im antiken Rom ... einige gladiatoren spielen scrabble ... ich rieche PIZZA ..."KI've read SEVEN MILLION books!!bII've got an IDEA!! Why don't I STARE at you so HARD, you forget your SOCIAL SECURITY NUMBER!!:{I've got a COUSIN who works in the GARMENT DISTRICT ... MfE\$gsM#-MIs it clean in other dimensions?X,5Is it 1974? What's for SUPPER? Can I spend my COLLEGE FUND in one wild afternoon??+/Is he the MAGIC INCA carrying a FROG on his shoulders?? Is the FROG his GUIDELIGHT?? It is curious that a DOG runs already on the ESCALATOR ...S*+Is a tattoo real, like a curb or a battleship? Or are we suffering in Safeway?)EInside, I'm already SOBBING!B( INSIDE, I have the same personality disorder as LUCY RICARDO!!5'qIn Newark the laundromats are open 24 hours a day!^&AIn 1962, you could buy a pair of SHARKSKIN SLACKS, with a 'Continental Belt,' for $10.99!!Q%'If Robert Di Niro assassinates Walter Slezak, will Jodie Foster marry Bonzo??1$iIf our behavior is strict, we do not need fun!#Cif it GLISTENS, gobble it!!F"If I pull this SWITCH I'll be RITA HAYWORTH!! Or a SCIENTOLOGIST!N!!... If I had heart failure right now, I couldn't be a more fortunate man!! ._.^D n?r.A;It's the RINSE CYCLE!! They've ALL IGNORED the RINSE CYCLE!!):YIt's OKAY -- I'm an INTELLECTUAL, too.9?It's OBVIOUS ... The FURS never reached ISTANBUL ... You were an EXTRA in the REMAKE of 'TOPKAPI' ... Go home to your WIFE ... She's making FRENCH TOAST!,8_It's NO USE ... I've gone to 'CLUB MED'!!C7 It's a lot of fun being alive ... I wonder if my bed is made?!?T6-It was a JOKE!! Get it?? I was receiving messages from DAVID LETTERMAN!! YOW!!65sIt don't mean a THING if you ain't got that SWING!!45Isn't this my STOP?!3Is this the line for the latest whimsical YUGOSLAVIAN drama which also makes you want to CRY and reconsider the VIETNAM WAR?27Is this TERMINAL fun?.1cIs this going to involve RAW human ecstasy?.0cIs this an out-take from the 'BRADY BUNCH'?9/yIs something VIOLENT going to happen to a GARBAGE CAN?b.IIs it NOUVELLE CUISINE when 3 olives are struggling with a scallop in a plate of SAUCE MORNAY? Cd<fC;F}Let's send the Russians defective lifestyle accessories!IELet's all show human CONCERN for REVERAND MOON's legal difficulties!!0DgLet me do my TRIBUTE to FISHNET STOCKINGS ...C7Leona, I want to CONFESS things to you ... I want to WRAP you in a SCARLET ROBE trimmed with POLYVINYL CHLORIDE ... I want to EMPTY your ASHTRAYS ...1BiLBJ, LBJ, how many JOKES did you tell today??!A'Laundry is the fifth dimension!! ... um ... um ... th' washing machine is a black hole and the pink socks are bus drivers who just fell in!!w@sKids, the seven basic food groups are GUM, PUFF PASTRY, PIZZA, PESTICIDES, ANTIBIOTICS, NUTRA-SWEET and MILK DUDS!!Y?7Kids, don't gross me off ... 'Adventures with MENTAL HYGIENE' can be carried too FAR!%>QJesus is my POSTMASTER GENERAL .../=eJesuit priests are DATING CAREER DIPLOMATS!!g<SJAPAN is a WONDERFUL planet -- I wonder if we'll ever reach their level of COMPARATIVE SHOPPING ... sCXi+'RUMMM-MM!! So THIS is BIO-NEBULATION!#QMMERYL STREEP is my obstetrician!;P}Maybe we could paint GOLDIE HAWN a rich PRUSSIAN BLUE --bOIMary Tyler Moore's SEVENTH HUSBAND is wearing my DACRON TANK TOP in a cheap hotel in HONOLULU!+N]Make me look like LINDA RONSTADT again!!YM7LOOK!! Sullen American teens wearing MADRAS shorts and 'Flock of Seagulls' HAIRCUTS!>LLook! A ladder! Maybe it leads to heaven, or a sandwich!KKLook into my eyes and try to forget that you have a Macy's charge card!YJ7Look DEEP into the OPENINGS!! Do you see any ELVES or EDSELS ... or a HIGHBALL?? ...-IaLoni Anderson's hair should be LEGALIZED!!LHLike I always say -- nothing can beat the BRATWURST here in DUSSELDORF!!;G}Life is a POPULARITY CONTEST! I'm REFRESHINGLY CANDID!! !gI!%ZQMy haircut is totally traditional!LYMy face is new, my license is expired, and I'm under a doctor's care!!!!X1My EARS are GONE!!PW%My CODE of ETHICS is vacationing at famed SCHROON LAKE in upstate New York!!aVGMy BIOLOGICAL ALARM CLOCK just went off ... It has noiseless DOZE FUNCTION and full kitchen!!AUMy Aunt MAUREEN was a military advisor to IKE & TINA TURNER!!eTOMr and Mrs PED, can I borrow 26.7% of the RAYON TEXTILE production of the INDONESIAN archipelago?iSWMmmmmm-MMMMMM!! A plate of STEAMING PIECES of a PIG mixed with the shreds of SEVERAL CHICKENS!! ... Oh BOY!! I'm about to swallow a TORN-OFF section of a COW'S LEFT LEG soaked in COTTONSEED OIL and SUGAR!! ... Let's see ... Next, I'll have the GROUND-UP flesh of CUTE, BABY LAMBS fried in the MELTED, FATTY TISSUES from a warm-blooded animal someone once PETTED!! ... YUM!! That was GOOD!! For DESSERT, I'll have a TOFU BURGER with BEAN SPROUTS on a stone-ground, WHOLE WHEAT BUN!! WrD`W;i}NEWARK has been REZONED!! DES MOINES has been REZONED!!kh[NATHAN ... your PARENTS were in a CARCRASH!! They're VOIDED -- They COLLAPSED They had no CHAINSAWS ... They had no MONEY MACHINES ... They did PILLS in SKIMPY GRASS SKIRTS ... Nathan, I EMULATED them ... but they were OFF-KEY ...#gMNANCY!! Why is everything RED?!f?My vaseline is RUNNING...HeMy uncle Murray conquered Egypt in 53 B.C. And I can prove it too!!IdMy polyvinyl cowboy wallet was made in Hong Kong by Montgomery Clift!@cMy pants just went to high school in the Carlsbad Caverns!!!Rb)... My pants just went on a wild rampage through a Long Island Bowling Alley!!a-My NOSE is NUMB!3`mMy nose feels like a bad Ronald Reagan movie ...+_]My mind is making ashtrays in Dayton ... ^GMy mind is a potato field ...]AMy life is a patio of fun!&\SMy LESLIE GORE record is BROKEN ...[EMY income is ALL disposable! ZkO+$ZzsyNow my EMOTIONAL RESOURCES are heavily committed to 23% of the SMELTING and REFINING industry of the state of NEVADA!!JrNow KEN and BARBIE are PERMANENTLY ADDICTED to MIND-ALTERING DRUGS ...-q_Now I'm having INSIPID THOUGHTS about the beatiful, round wives of HOLLYWOOD MOVIE MOGULS encased in PLEXIGLASS CARS and being approached by SMALL BOYS selling FRUIT ...Sp+Now I'm concentrating on a specific tank battle toward the end of World War II!eoONow I'm being INVOLUNTARILY shuffled closer to the CLAM DIP with the BROKEN PLASTIC FORKS in it!!3nmNow I understand the meaning of 'THE MOD SQUAD'!m Now I think I just reached the state of HYPERTENSION that comes JUST BEFORE you see the TOTAL at the SAFEWAY CHECKOUT COUNTER!l9Now I am depressed ...Tk-Not SENSUOUS ... only 'FROLICSOME' ... and in need of DENTAL WORK ... in PAIN!!!;j}Nipples, dimples, knuckles, NICKLES, wrinkles, pimples!! $S$$ }On the other hand, life can be an endless parade of TRANSSEXUAL QUILTING BEES aboard a cruise ship to DISNEYWORLD if only we let it!!p|eOn SECOND thought, maybe I'll heat up some BAKED BEANS and watch REGIS PHILBIN ... It's GREAT to be ALIVE!!n{aOMNIVERSAL AWARENESS?? Oh, YEH!! First you need four GALLONS of JELL-O and a BIG WRENCH!! ... I think you drop th'WRENCH in the JELL-O as if it was a FLAVOR, or an INGREDIENT ... ... or ... I ... um ... WHERE'S the WASHING MACHINES?gzSOKAY!! Turn on the sound ONLY for TRYNEL CARPETING, FULLY-EQUIPPED R.V.'S and FLOATATION SYSTEMS!!_yCOkay ... I'm going home to write the 'I HATE RUBIK's CUBE HANDBOOK FOR DEAD CAT LOVERS' ...4xoOh, I get it!! 'The BEACH goes on', huh, SONNY??7wuOh my GOD -- the SUN just fell into YANKEE STADIUM!!Cv Of course, you UNDERSTAND about the PLAIDS in the SPIN CYCLE --#uMNow, let's SEND OUT for QUICHE!!>tNow that I have my 'APPLE', I comprehend COST ACCOUNTING!! Y:Y]?ONE: I will donate my entire 'BABY HUEY' comic book collection to the downtown PLASMA CENTER ... TWO: I won't START a BAND called 'KHADAFY & THE HIT SQUAD' ... THREE: I won't ever TUMBLE DRY my FOX TERRIER again!!T-ONE LIFE TO LIVE for ALL MY CHILDREN in ANOTHER WORLD all THE DAYS OF OUR LIVES.=One FISHWICH coming up!!_COnce, there was NO fun ... This was before MENU planning, FASHION statements or NAUTILUS equipment ... Then, in 1985 ... FUN was completely encoded in this tiny MICROCHIP ... It contain 14,768 vaguely amusing SIT-COM pilots!! We had to wait FOUR BILLION years but we finally got JERRY LEWIS, MTV and a large selection of creme-filled snack cakes!1Once upon a time, four AMPHIBIOUS HOG CALLERS attacked a family of DEFENSELESS, SENSITIVE COIN COLLECTORS and brought DOWN their PROPERTY VALUES!!Q~'On the road, ZIPPY is a pinhead without a purpose, but never without a POINT. *sL]*0gQuick, sing me the BUDAPEST NATIONAL ANTHEM!!-aPUNK ROCK!! DISCO DUCK!! BIRTH CONTROL!!>Psychoanalysis?? I thought this was a nude rap session!!!0gPlease come home with me ... I have Tylenol!!| }Place me on a BUFFER counter while you BELITTLE several BELLHOPS in the Trianon Room!! Let me one of your SUBSIDIARIES! PIZZA!! EPeople humiliating a salami!J PEGGY FLEMMING is stealing BASKET BALLS to feed the babies in VERMONT.M Pardon me, but do you know what it means to be TRULY ONE with your BOOTH!$OPARDON me, am I speaking ENGLISH?S+OVER the underpass! UNDER the overpass! Around the FUTURE and BEYOND REPAIR!!4oover in west Philadelphia a puppy is vomiting ...)WOur father who art in heaven ... I sincerely pray that SOMEBODY at this table will PAY for my SHREDDED WHAT and ENGLISH MUFFIN ... and also leave a GENEROUS TIP ....P%... or were you driving the PONTIAC that HONKED at me in MIAMI last Tuesday? !,!+[So, if we convert SUPPLY-SIDE SOYABEAN FUTURES into HIGH-YIELD T-BILL INDICATORS, the PRE-INFLATIONARY risks will DWINDLE to a rate of 2 SHOPPING SPREES per EGGPLANT!!3mSo this is what it feels like to be potato salad/Sign my PETITION.!Should I start with the time I SWITCHED personalities with a BEATNIK hair stylist or my failure to refer five TEENAGERS to a good OCULIST?P%Should I get locked in the PRINCICAL'S OFFICE today -- or have a VASECTOMY??'UShould I do my BOBBIE VINTON medley?]?SHHHH!! I hear SIX TATTOOED TRUCK-DRIVERS tossing ENGINE BLOCKS into empty OIL DRUMS ...Q'Send your questions to ``ASK ZIPPY'', Box 40474, San Francisco, CA 94140, USA#KSANTA CLAUS comes down a FIRE ESCAPE wearing bright blue LEG WARMERS ... He scrubs the POPE with a mild soap or detergent for 15 minutes, starring JANE FONDA!!/RHAPSODY in Glue!N!Remember, in 2039, MOUSSE & PASTA will be available ONLY by prescription!!#RELATIVES!! -lQ-?% Talking Pinhead Blues: Oh, I LOST my ``HELLO KITTY'' DOLL and I get BAD reception on channel TWENTY-SIX!! Th'HOSTESS FACTORY is closin' down and I just heard ZASU PITTS has been DEAD for YEARS.. (sniff) My PLATFORM SHOE collection was CHEWED up by th' dog, ALEXANDER HAIG won't let me take a SHOWER 'til Easter ... (snurf) So I went to the kitchen, but WALNUT PANELING whup me upside mah HAID!! (on no, no, no.. Heh, heh)$=TAILFINS!! ... click ...@#Spreading peanut butter reminds me of opera!! I wonder why?U"/Somewhere in Tenafly, New Jersey, a chiropractor is viewing 'Leave it to Beaver'!r!iSomewhere in suburban Honolulu, an unemployed bellhop is whipping up a batch of illegal psilocybin chop suey!!K Somewhere in DOWNTOWN BURBANK a prostitute is OVERCOOKING a LAMB CHOP!!GSometime in 1993 NANCY SINATRA will lead a BLOODLESS COUP on GUAM!!GSomeone in DAYTON, Ohio is selling USED CARPETS to a SERBO-CROATIAN ^@n$^?0... the MYSTERIANS are in here with my CORDUROY SOAP DISH!!%/QThe Korean War must have been fun.Y.7... the HIGHWAY is made out of LIME JELLO and my HONDA is a barbequeued OYSTER! Yum!G-The FALAFEL SANDWICH lands on my HEAD and I become a VEGETARIAN ...j,YThe fact that 47 PEOPLE are yelling and sweat is cascading down my SPINAL COLUMN is fairly enjoyable!!b+IThe entire CHINESE WOMEN'S VOLLEYBALL TEAM all share ONE personality -- and have since BIRTH!!z*yThe appreciation of the average visual graphisticator alone is worth the whole suaveness and decadence which abounds!!()WThank god!! ... It's HENNY YOUNGMAN!!+(]Th' MIND is the Pizza Palace of th' SOULj'YTex SEX! The HOME of WHEELS! The dripping of COFFEE!! Take me to Minnesota but don't EMBARRASS me!!z&yTAPPING? You POLITICIANS! Don't you realize that the END of the 'Wash Cycle' is a TREASURED MOMENT for most people?! +e<y+K:They collapsed ... like nuns in the street ... they had no teen appeal!?9These PRESERVES should be FORCE-FED to PENTAGON OFFICIALS!!L8 'These are DARK TIMES for all mankind's HIGHEST VALUES!' 'These are DARK TIMES for FREEDOM and PROSPERITY!' 'These are GREAT TIMES to put your money on BAD GUY to kick the CRAP out of MEGATON MAN!'>7There's enough money here to buy 5000 cans of Noodle-Roni!m6_There's a little picture of ED MCMAHON doing BAD THINGS to JOAN RIVERS in a $200,000 MALIBU BEACH HOUSE!!5 There is no TRUTH. There is no REALITY. There is no CONSISTENCY. There are no ABSOLUTE STATEMENTS. I'm very probably wrong.I4The SAME WAVE keeps coming in and COLLAPSING like a rayon MUU-MUU ...S3+The PINK SOCKS were ORIGINALLY from 1952!! But they went to MARS around 1953!!I2The PILLSBURY DOUGHBOY is CRYING for an END to BURT REYNOLDS movies!!L1The Osmonds! You are all Osmonds!! Throwing up on a freeway at dawn!!! =Ng+p=]E?Today, THREE WINOS from DETROIT sold me a framed photo of TAB HUNTER before his MAKEOVER!_DCThousands of days of civilians ... have produced a ... feeling for the aesthetic modules --nCaThose aren't WINOS -- that's my JUGGLER, my AERIALIST, my SWORD SWALLOWER, and my LATEX NOVELTY SUPPLIER!!zByThis TOPS OFF my partygoing experience! Someone I DON'T LIKE is talking to me about a HEART-WARMING European film ...;A}This PORCUPINE knows his ZIPCODE ... And he has 'VISA'!!9@yThis PIZZA symbolizes my COMPLETE EMOTIONAL RECOVERY!!>?... this must be what it's like to be a COLLEGE GRADUATE!!f>QThis MUST be a good party -- My RIB CAGE is being painfully pressed up against someone's MARTINI!!:={This is a NO-FRILLS flight -- hold th' CANADIAN BACON!!b<I'This is a job for BOB VIOLENCE and SCUM, the INCREDIBLY STUPID MUTANT DOG.' -- Bob ViolenceJ;This ASEXUAL PIG really BOILS my BLOOD ... He's so ... so ... URGENT!! ?UTU#??RWas my SOY LOAF left out in th'RAIN? It tastes REAL GOOD!!KQWait ... is this a FUN THING or the END of LIFE in Petticoat Junction??QP'Vote for ME -- I'm well-tapered, half-cocked, ill-conceived and TAX-DEFERRED!/OeVICARIOUSLY experience some reason to LIVE!!(NWUsed staples are good with SOY SAUCE!;M}UH-OH!! We're out of AUTOMOBILE PARTS and RUBBER GOODS!%LQUh-oh!! I'm having TOO MUCH FUN!!kK[UH-OH!! I think KEN is OVER-DUE on his R.V. PAYMENTS and HE'S having a NERVOUS BREAKDOWN too!! Ha ha.PJ%UH-OH!! I put on 'GREAT HEAD-ON TRAIN COLLISIONS of the 50's' by mistake!!!8IwUh-oh!! I forgot to submit to COMPULSORY URINALYSIS!pHeUh-oh -- WHY am I suddenly thinking of a VENERABLE religious leader frolicking on a FORT LAUDERDALE weekend?/GeTONY RANDALL! Is YOUR life a PATIO of FUN??vFqToes, knees, NIPPLES. Toes, knees, nipples, KNUCKLES ... Nipples, dimples, knuckles, NICKLES, wrinkles, pimples!! ?\Kn?,]_What GOOD is a CARDBOARD suitcase ANYWAY?I\What a COINCIDENCE! I'm an authorized 'SNOOTS OF THE STARS' dealer!!9[yWere these parsnips CORRECTLY MARINATED in TACO SAUCE?RZ)Well, O.K. I'll compromise with my principles because of EXISTENTIAL DESPAIR!UY/Well, I'm INVISIBLE AGAIN ... I might as well pay a visit to the LADIES ROOM ...sXkWell, I'm a classic ANAL RETENTIVE!! And I'm looking for a way to VICARIOUSLY experience some reason to LIVE!!,W]Well, here I am in AMERICA.. I LIKE it. I HATE it. I LIKE it. I HATE it. I LIKE it. I HATE it. I LIKE it. I HATE it. I LIKE ... EMOTIONS are SWEEPING over me!!V#We place two copies of PEOPLE magazine in a DARK, HUMID mobile home. 45 minutes later CYNDI LAUPER emerges wearing a BIRD CAGE on her head!(UWWe just joined the civil hair patrol!'TUWe have DIFFERENT amounts of HAIR --LSWe are now enjoying total mutual interaction in an imaginary hot tub ... QsN)i.'Q.kcWhere's the Coke machine? Tell me a joke!!#jMWhere's th' DAFFY DUCK EXHIBIT??i7Where's SANDY DUNCAN?#hMWhere does it go when you flush?;g}Where do your SOCKS go when you lose them in th' WASHER?;f{When you said 'HEAVILY FORESTED' it reminded me of an overdue CLEANING BILL ... Don't you SEE? O'Grogan SWALLOWED a VALUABLE COIN COLLECTION and HAD to murder the ONLY MAN who KNEW!!EeWhen you get your PH.D. will you get able to work at BURGER KING?8dwWhen this load is DONE I think I'll wash it AGAIN ...{c{When I met th'POPE back in '58, I scrubbed him with a MILD SOAP or DETERGENT for 15 minutes. He seemed to enjoy it ...?bWhat's the MATTER Sid? ... Is your BEVERAGE unsatisfactory?"aKWhat UNIVERSE is this, please??"`KWhat PROGRAM are they watching?H_What I want to find out is -- do parrots know much about Astro-Turf??^What I need is a MATURE RELATIONSHIP with a FLOPPY DISK ... ]LjG}]xAWorld War III? No thanks!?wWith YOU, I can be MYSELF ... We don't NEED Dan Rather ...Dv Will this never-ending series of PLEASURABLE EVENTS never cease?>uWill the third world war keep 'Bosom Buddies' off the air? tGWill it improve my CASH FLOW?Ys7Why is it that when you DIE, you can't take your HOME ENTERTAINMENT CENTER with you??+r]Why is everything made of Lycra Spandex?Uq/Why don't you ever enter any CONTESTS, Marvin?? Don't you know your own ZIPCODE?6psWhy are these athletic shoe salesmen following me??To-WHOA!! Ken and Barbie are having TOO MUCH FUN!! It must be the NEGATIVE IONS!!1niWHO sees a BEACH BUNNY sobbing on a SHAG RUG?!mWhile you're chewing, think of STEVEN SPIELBERG'S bank account ... his will have the same effect as two 'STARCH BLOCKERS'!kl[While my BRAINPAN is being refused service in BURGER KING, Jesuit priests are DATING CAREER DIPLOMATS!! ;p76~^E;Yow!N!Youth of today! Join me in a mass rally for traditional mental attitudes!N!Your CHEEKS sit like twin NECTARINES above a MOUTH that knows no BOUNDS --tmYOU!! Give me the CUTEST, PINKEST, most charming little VICTORIAN DOLLHOUSE you can find!! An make it SNAPPY!!AYou were s'posed to laugh!R)You should all JUMP UP AND DOWN for TWO HOURS while I decide on a NEW CAREER!!"KYOU PICKED KARL MALDEN'S NOSE!!;}You mean you don't want to watch WRESTLING from ATLANTA?j~YYou mean now I can SHOOT YOU in the back and further BLUR th' distinction between FANTASY and REALITY?6}sYou can't hurt me!! I have an ASSUMABLE MORTGAGE!!X|5Yes, but will I see the EASTER BUNNY in skintight leather at an IRON MAIDEN concert?6{sXerox your lunch and file it under 'sex offenders'!8zwWow! Look!! A stray meatball!! Let's interview it!Ry)World War Three can be averted by adherence to a strictly enforced dress code! K{Z?{VYKEYow! Maybe I should have asked for my Neutron Bomb in PAISLEY --IYow! It's some people inside the wall! This is better than mopping!5qYow! It's a hole all the way to downtown Burbank!?Yow! Is this sexual intercourse yet?? Is it, huh, is it??-aYow! Is my fallout shelter termite proof?:{Yow! I'm imagining a surfer van filled with soy sauce!Q'Yow! I'm having a quadrophonic sensation of two winos alone in a steel mill!9yYow! I want to mail a bronzed artichoke to Nicaragua!"KYow! I want my nose in lights!!IYow! I threw up on my window!,_Yow! I just went below the poverty line!@ Yow! Did something bad happen or am I in a drive-in movie??+ ]Yow! Are you the self-frying president? 7Yow! Are we wet yet? CYow! Are we laid back yet?D  Yow! And then we could sit on the hoods of cars at stop lights!=Yow! Am I in Milwaukee?AYow! Am I having fun yet? 7e :W7#AYOW!!! I am having fun!!! "YOW!! What should the entire human race DO?? Consume a fifth of CHIVAS REGAL, ski NUDE down MT. EVEREST, and have a wild SEX WEEKEND!'!UYOW!! Up ahead! It's a DONUT HUT!!' UYOW!! The land of the rising SONY!!O#YOW!! Now I understand advanced MICROBIOLOGY and th' new TAX REFORM laws!!;}YOW!! I'm in a very clever and adorable INSANE ASYLUM!!,_YOW!! Everybody out of the GENETIC POOL!$OYow! We're going to a new disco!B Yow! Those people look exactly like Donnie and Marie Osmond!!&SYow! Now we can become alcoholics!ocYow! Now I get to think about all the BAD THINGS I did to a BOWLING BALL when I was in JUNIOR HIGH SCHOOL!,y~ysmga[UOIC=71+%pe'A power so great, it can only be used for Good or Evil!' -- Firesign Theatre, 'The Giant Rat of Summatra'MA possum must be himself, and being himself he is honest. -- Walt Kelly! A MODERN FABLE Aesop's fables and other traditional children's stories involve allegory far too subtle for the youth of today. Children neeH]?A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me. I'm afraid of widths. -- Steven WrightpeA large spider in an old house built a beautiful web in which to catch flies. Every time a fly landG$MA friend of mine is intx?w7v2u)t&s$r!qponmlih gfe}dxcwbrai`d_a^^]\\X[QZJYDXBV?U9T3R-Q$P!ONMLKJ I >JSFTtablK[tablehumoristshumoristsECREATE TABLE humorists(id INTEGER PRIN{tablezippyzippyCREATE TABLE zippy(id INTEGER PRIMARY KEY, cookie TEXT)[tablehumoristshumoristsECREATE TABLE humorists(id INTEGER PRIMARY KEY, cookie TEXT)g'' tablemiscellaneousmiscellaneouszCREATE TABLE miscellaneous(id INTEGER PRIMARY KEY, cookie TEXT)KytableworkworkCREATE TABLE work(id INTEGER PRIMARY KEY, cookie TEXT)Ttableriddlesriddles1CREATE TABLE riddles(id INTEGER PRIMARY KEY, cookie TEXT)^!!tablehitchhikerhitchhikerJCREATE TABLE hitchhiker(id INTEGER PRIMARY KEY, cookie TEXT)Q}tableshortsshortshCREATE TABLE shorts(id INTEGER PRIMARY KEY, cookie TEXT)TtablesciencescienceCREATE TABLE science(id INTEGER PRIMARY KEY, cookie TEXT)Kytablekidskids CCREATE TABLE kids(id INTEGER PRIMARY KEY, cookie TEXT)^!!tablesongspoemssongspoems fCREATE TABLE songspoems(id INTEGER PRIMARY KEY, cookie TEXT)ed on the web and was entangled in it the spider devoured him, so that when another fly came along he would think the web was a safe and quiet place in which to rest. One day a fairly intelligent fly buzzed around above the web so long without lighting that the spider appeared and said, 'Come on down.' But the fly was too clever for him and said, 'I never light where I don't see other flies and I don't see any other flies in your house.' So he flew away until he came to a place where there were a great many other flies. He was about to settle down among them when a bee buzzed up and said, 'Hold it, stupid, that's flypaper. All those flies are trapped.' 'Don't be silly,' said the fly, 'they're dancing.' So he settled down and became stuck to the flypaper with all the other flies. Moral: There is no safety in numbers, or in anything else. -- James Thurber, 'The Fairly Intelligent Fly'd an updated message with contemporary circumstance and plot line, and short enough to suit today's minute attention span. The Troubled Aardvark Once upon a time, there was an aardvark whose only pleasure in life was driving from his suburban bungalow to his job at a large brokerage house in his brand new 4x4. He hated his manipulative boss, his conniving and unethical co-workers, his greedy wife, and his snivelling, spoiled children. One day, the aardvark reflected on the meaning of his life and his career and on the unchecked, catastrophic decline of his nation, its pathetic excuse for leadership, and the complete ineffectiveness of any personal effort he could make to change the status quo. Overcome by a wave of utter depression and self-doubt, he decided to take the only course of action that would bring him greater comfort and happiness: he drove to the mall and bought imported consumer electronics goods. MORAL OF THE STORY: Invest in foreign consumer electronics manufacturers. -- Tom Annau (@pe'A power so great, it can only be used for Good or Evil!' -- Firesign Theatre, 'The Giant Rat of Summatra'MA possum must be himself, and being himself he is honest. -- Walt Kelly! A MODERN FABLE Aesop's fables and other traditional children's stories involve allegory far too subtle for the youth of today. Children neeH]?A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me. I'm afraid of widths. -- Steven WrightpeA large spider in an old house built a beautiful web in which to catch flies. Every time a fly landG$MA friend of mine is into Voodoo Acupuncture. You don't have to go. You'll just be walking down the street and... Ooohh, that's much better. -- Steven WrightbIA black cat crossing your path signifies that the animal is going somewhere. -- Groucho Marx PKP- aAnd now for something completely the same.. cAnd now for something completely different.7 sAll of the people in my building are insane. The guy above me designs synthetic hairballs for ceramic cats. The lady across the hall tried to rob a department store... with a pricing gun... She said, 'Give me all of the money in the vault, or I'm marking down everything in the store.' -- Steven Wright` EAll men are mortal. Socrates was mortal. Therefore, all men are Socrates. -- Woody Allen2i Accidents cause History. If Sigismund Unbuckle had taken a walk in 1426 and met Wat Tyler, the Peasant's Revolt would never have happened and the motor car would not have been invented until 2026, which would have meant that all the oil could have been used for lamps, thus saving the electric light bulb and the whale, and nobody would have caught Moby Dick or Billy Budd. -- Mike Harding, 'The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac' {c<'Boy, life takes a long time to live.' -- Steven WrightBernard Shaw is an excellent man; he has not an enemy in the world, and none of his friends like him either. -- Oscar Wilde Being Ymor's right-hand man was like being gently flogged to death with scented bootlaces. -- Terry Pratchett, 'The Colour of Magic'As the poet said, 'Only God can make a tree' -- probably because it's so hard to figure out how to get the bark on. -- Woody Allen  'Are you sure you're not an encyclopedia salesman?' No, Ma'am. Just a burglar, come to ransack the flat.' -- Monty Python >&^>C'But I don't like Spam!!!!'EBut I always fired into the nearest hill or, failing that, into blackness. I meant no harm; I just liked the explosions. And I was careful never to kill more than I could eat. -- Raoul DukeW3Bozo is the Brotherhood of Zips and Others. Bozos are people who band together for fun and profit. They have no jobs. Anybody who goes on a tour is a Bozo. Why does a Bozo cross the street? Because there's a Bozo on the other side. It comes from the phrase vos otros, meaning others. They're the huge, fat, middle waist. The archetype is an Irish drunk clown with red hair and nose, and pale skin. Fields, William Bendix. Everybody tends to drift toward Bozoness. It has Oz in it. They mean well. They're straight-looking except they've got inflatable shoes. They like their comforts. The Bozos have learned to enjoy their free time, which is all the time. -- Firesign Theatre, 'If Bees Lived Inside Your Head' 8Q'Comedy, like Medicine, was never meant to be practiced by the general public.EBypasses are devices that allow some people to dash from point A to point B very fast while other people dash from point B to point A very fast. People living at point C, being a point directly in between, are often given to wonder what's so great about point A that so many people from point B are so keen to get there and what's so great about point B that so many people from point A are so keen to get _____there. They often wish that people would just once and for all work out where the hell they wanted to be. -- Douglas Adams, 'The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy'E 'But I don't want to go on the cart...' 'Oh, don't be such a baby!' 'But I'm feeling much better...' 'No you're not... in a moment you'll be stone dead!' -- Monty Python, 'The Holy Grail' I5IuoDo you think that when they asked George Washington for ID that he just whipped out a quarter? -- Steven WrightskDecorate your home. It gives the illusion that your life is more interesting than it really is. -- C. SchulzHDeath didn't answer. He was looking at Spold in the same way as a dog looks at a bone, only in this case things were more or less the other way around. -- Terry Pratchett, 'The Colour of Magic' AApeDon't worry about the world coming to an end today. It's already tomorrow in Australia. -- Charles SchulzN!Don't take life so serious, son, it ain't nohow permanent. -- Walt Kellyzy'Don't come back until you have him', the Tick-Tock Man said quietly, sincerely, extremely dangerously. They used dogs. They used probes. They used cardio plate crossoffs. They used teepers. They used bribery. They used stick tites. They used intimidation. They used torment. They used torture. They used finks. They used cops. They used search and seizure. They used fallaron. They used betterment incentives. They used finger prints. They used the bertillion system. They used cunning. They used guile. They used treachery. They used Raoul-Mitgong but he wasn't much help. They used applied physics. They used techniques of criminology. And what the hell, they caught him. -- Harlan Ellison, 'Repent, Harlequin, said the Tick-Tock Man' 5t!mEver since prehistoric times, wise men have tried to understand what, exactly, make people laugh. That's why they were called 'wise men.' All the other prehistoric people were out puncturing each other with spears, and the wise men were back in the cave saying: 'How about: Would you please take my wife? No. How about: Here is my wife, please take her right now. No How about: Would you like to take something? My wife is available. No. How about ...' -- Dave Barry, 'Why Humor is Funny'W 3Eternity is a terrible thought. I mean, where's it going to end? -- Tom StoppardT-Eternal nothingness is fine if you happen to be dressed for it. -- Woody AllenskEarly to rise, early to bed, makes a man healthy, wealthy and dead. -- Terry Pratchett, 'The Light Fantastic' D m$_First, a few words about tools. Basically, a tool is an object that enables you to take advantage of the laws of physics and mechanics in such a way that you can seriously injure yourself. Today, people tend to take tools for granted. If you're ever walking down the street and you notice some people who look particularly smug, the odds are that they are taking tools for granted. If I were you, I'd walk right up and smack them in the face. -- Dave Barry, 'The Taming of the Screw'6#sFaster, faster, you fool, you fool! -- Bill Cosby9"wFar out in the uncharted backwaters of the unfashionable end of the Western Spiral arm of the Galaxy lies a small unregarded yellow sun. Orbiting this at a distance of roughly ninety-eight million miles is an utterly insignificant little blue-green planet whose ape-descended life forms are so amazingly primitive that they still think digital watches are a pretty neat idea ... -- Douglas Adams, 'The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy' =u%<=B- Humorists always sit at the children's table. -- Woody AllenK,'Humor is a drug which it's the fashion to abuse.' -- William Gilbertd+MHigh Priest: Armaments Chapter One, verses nine through twenty-seven: Bro. Maynard: And Saint AttilSq*gHey, what do you expect from a culture that *drives* on *parkways* and *parks* on *driveways*? -- Gallaghert)m'Here's something to think about: How come you never see a headline like `Psychic Wins Lottery'?' -- Jay Leno_(CHe asked me if I knew what time it was -- I said yes, but not right now. -- Steven WrightA'God is a comic playing to an audience that's afraid to laugh.)&WFrom the moment I picked your book up until I put it down I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it. -- Groucho Marx, from 'The Book of Insults'%For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier... I put them in the same room and let them fight it out. -- Steven Wrighta raised the Holy Hand Grenade up on high saying, 'Oh Lord, Bless us this Holy Hand Grenade, and with it smash our enemies to tiny bits.' And the Lord did grin, and the people did feast upon the lambs, and stoats, and orangutans, and breakfast cereals, and lima bean- High Priest: Skip a bit, brother. Bro. Maynard: And then the Lord spake, saying: 'First, shalt thou take out the holy pin. Then shalt thou count to three. No more, no less. *Three* shall be the number of the counting, and the number of the counting shall be three. *Four* shalt thou not count, and neither count thou two, excepting that thou then goest on to three. Five is RIGHT OUT. Once the number three, being the third number be reached, then lobbest thou thy Holy Hand Grenade towards thy foe, who, being naughty in my sight, shall snuff it. Amen. All: Amen. -- Monty Python, 'The Holy Hand Grenade' `p|QQ`C3 I base my fashion taste on what doesn't itch. -- Gilda Radner)2W 'I assure you the thought never even crossed my mind, lord.' 'Indeed? Then if I were you I'd sue my face for slander.' -- Terry Pratchett, 'The Colour of Magic'}1I argue very well. Ask any of my remaining friends. I can win an argument on any topic, against any opponent. People know this, and steer clear of me at parties. Often, as a sign of their great respect, they don't even invite me. -- Dave Barry)0YI am two with nature. -- Woody Allenq/gI am getting into abstract painting. Real abstract -- no brush, no canvas, I just think about it. I just went to an art museum where all of the art was done by children. All the paintings were hung on refrigerators. -- Steven Wright .I am a conscientious man, when I throw rocks at seabirds I leave no tern unstoned. -- Ogden Nash, 'Everybody's Mind to Me a Kingdom Is' |=|9;I don't get no respect.e8OI don't deserve this award, but I have arthritis and I don't deserve that either. -- Jack Benny 7I could dance with you till the cows come home. On second thought, I'd rather dance with the cows till you come home. -- Groucho Marx,6]'I changed my headlights the other day. I put in strobe lights instead! Now when I drive at night, it looks like everyone else is standing still ...' -- Steven Wrightn5aI cannot overemphasize the importance of good grammar. What a crock. I could easily overemphasize the importance of good grammar. For example, I could say: 'Bad grammar is the leading cause of slow, painful death in North America,' or 'Without good grammar, the United States would have lost World War II.' -- Dave Barry, 'An Utterly Absurd Look at Grammar'P4%I bought some used paint. It was in the shape of a house. -- Steven Wright `9Q?'I got this powdered water -- now I don't know what to add. -- Steven Wright`>EI got my driver's license photo taken out of focus on purpose. Now when I get pulled over the cop looks at it (moving it nearer and farther, trying to see it clearly)... and says, 'Here, you can go.' -- Steven Wright(=U'I got into an elevator at work and this man followed in after me... I pushed '1' and he just stoodWw<sI finally went to the eye doctor. I got contacts. I only need them to read, so I got flip-ups. -- Steven Wright[;;I don't want to live on in my work, I want to live on in my apartment. -- Woody Allen:?I don't kill flies, but I like to mess with their minds. I hold them above globes. They freak out and yell 'Whooa, I'm *way* too high.' -- Bruce Baum there... I said 'Hi, where you going?' He said, 'Phoenix.' So I pushed Phoenix. A few seconds later the doors opened, two tumbleweeds blew in... we were in downtown Phoenix. I looked at him and said 'You know, you're the kind of guy I want to hang around with.' We got into his car and drove out to his shack in the desert. Then the phone rang. He said 'You get it.' I picked it up and said 'Hello?'... the other side said 'Is this Steven Wright?'... I said 'Yes...' The guy said 'Hi, I'm Mr. Jones, the student loan director from your bank... It seems you have missed your last 17 payments, and the university you attended said that they received none of the $17,000 we loaned you... we would just like to know what happened to the money?' I said, 'Mr. Jones, I'll give it to you straight. I gave all of the money to my friend Slick, and with it he built a nuclear weapon... and I would appreciate it if you never called me again.' -- Steven Wright 22yBwI hate it when my foot falls asleep during the day cause that means it's going to be up all night. -- Steven WrightoAcI had no shoes and I pitied myself. Then I met a man who had no feet, so I took his shoes. -- Dave Barry_@CI got tired of listening to the recording on the phone at the movie theater. So I bought the album. I got kicked out of a theater the other day for bringing my own food in. I argued that the concession stand prices were outrageous. Besides, I hadn't had a barbecue in a long time. I went to the theater and the sign said adults $5 children $2.50. I told them I wanted 2 boys and a girl. I once took a cab to a drive-in movie. The movie cost me $95. -- Steven Wright yHDI have a dog; I named him Stay. So when I'd go to call him, I'd say, 'Here, Stay, here...' but he got wise to that. Now when I call him he ignores me and just keeps on typing. -- Steven WrightC I have a box of telephone rings under my bed. Whenever I get lonely, I open it up a little bit, and I get a phone call. One day I dropped the box all over the floor. The phone wouldn't stop ringing. I had to get it disconnected. So I got a new phone. I didn't have much money, so I had to get an irregular. It doesn't have a five. I ran into a friend of mine on the street the other day. He said why don't you give me a call. I told him I can't call everybody I want to anymore, my phone doesn't have a five. He asked how long had it been that way. I said I didn't know -- my calendar doesn't have any sevens. -- Steven Wright Z4Z]J?I have an existential map. It has 'You are here' written all over it. -- Steven Wright[I;I have a switch in my apartment that doesn't do anything. Every once in a while I turn it on and off. On and off. On and off. One day I got a call from a woman in France who said 'Cut it out!' -- Steven WrightKHI have a rock garden. Last week three of them died. -- Richard DiranG;I have a map of the United States. It's actual size. I spent last summer folding it. People ask me where I live, and I say, 'E6'. -- Steven Wright/FcI have a hobby. I have the world's largest collection of sea shells. I keep it scattered on beaches all over the world. Maybe you've seen some of it. -- Steven WrightIEI have a friend whose a billionaire. He invented Cliff's notes. When I asked him how he got such a great idea he said, 'Well first I... I just... to make a long story short...' -- Steven Wright ~.GQI poured spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone. -- Steven WrightUP/I never forget a face, but in your case I'll make an exception. -- Groucho MarxO+I met my latest girl friend in a department store. She was looking at clothes, and I was putting Slinkys on the escalators. -- Steven Wright7Ns'I love Saturday morning cartoons, what classic humour! This is what entertainment is all about ... Idiots, explosives and falling anvils.' -- Calvin and Hobbes, Bill Watterson~MI look at life as being cruise director on the Titanic. I may not get there, but I'm going first class. -- Art BuchwaldL1I know the answer! The answer lies within the heart of all mankind! The answer is twelve? I think I'm in the wrong building. -- Charles SchulzgKSI just got out of the hospital after a speed reading accident. I hit a bookmark. -- Steven Wright :b(:vXqI stayed up all night playing poker with tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died. -- Steven WrighttWmI sold my memoirs of my love life to Parker Brothers -- they're going to make a game out of it. -- Woody AllenuVoI should have been a country-western singer. After all, I'm older than most western countries. -- George BurnsWU3I saw a subliminal advertising executive, but only for a second. -- Steven Wright T 'I said I hope it is a good party,' said Galder, loudly. 'AT THE MOMENT IT IS,' said Death levelly. 'I THINK IT MIGHT GO DOWNHILL VERY QUICKLY AT MIDNIGHT.' 'Why?' 'THAT'S WHEN THEY THINK I'LL BE TAKING MY MASK OFF.' -- Terry Pratchett, 'The Light Fantastic'XS5I put instant coffee in a microwave and almost went back in time. -- Steven WrightR;I put contact lenses in my dog's eyes. They had little pictures of cats on them. Then I took one out and he ran around in circles. -- Steven Wright iK i\CI thought there was something fishy about the butler. Probably a Pisces, working for scale. -- Firesign Theatre, 'The Further Adventures of Nick Danger'>[I think we're all Bozos on this bus. -- Firesign TheatreXZ5I tell ya, gambling never agreed with me. Last week I went to the track and they shot my horse with the opening gun. Well, just last week I was at a Chinese restaurant and when I opened my fortune cookie I found the guy's check sitting at the next table. I said, 'Hey, buddy, I got your check', he said, 'Thanks.' -- Rodney DangerfieldWY3I suggest you locate your hot tub outside your house, so it won't do too much damage if it catches fire or explodes. First you decide which direction your hot tub should face for maximum solar energy. After much trial and error, I have found that the best direction for a hot tub to face is up. -- Dave Barry, 'The Taming of the Screw' ^%I turned my air conditioner the other way around, and it got cold out. The weatherman said 'I don't understand it. I was supposed to be 80 degrees today,' and I said 'Oops.' In my house on the ceilings I have paintings of the rooms above... so I never have to go upstairs. I just bought a microwave fireplace... You can spend an evening in front of it in only eight minutes. -- Steven Wright]I took a course in speed reading and was able to read War and Peace in twenty minutes. It's about Russia. -- Woody Allen a I was at this restaurant. The sign said 'Breakfast Anytime.' So I ordered French Toast in the Rennaissance. -- Steven Wrightl`]I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't park anywhere near the place. -- Steven Wright_I used to live in a house by the freeway. When I went anywhere, I had to be going 65 MPH by the end of my driveway. I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights. Now it looks like I'm the only one moving. I was pulled over for speeding today. The officer said, 'Don't you know the speed limit is 55 miles an hour?' And I said, 'Yes, but I wasn't going to be out that long.' I put a new engine in my car, but didn't take the old one out. Now my car goes 500 miles an hour. -- Steven Wright d!I was in Vegas last week. I was at the roulette table, having a lengthy argument about what I considered an Odd number. -- Steven Wrightc I was in a bar and I walked up to a beautiful woman and said, 'Do you live around here often?' She said, 'You're wearing two different-color socks.' I said, 'Yes, but to me they're the same because I go by thickness.' She said, 'How do you feel?' And I said, 'You know when you're sitting on a chair and you lean back so you're just on two legs and you lean too far so you almost fall over but at the last second you catch yourself? I feel like that all the time...' -- Steven Wright, 'Gentlemen's Quarterly'Gb'I was drunk last night, crawled home across the lawn. By accident I put the car key in the door lock. The house started up. So I figured what the hell, and drove it around the block a few times. I thought I should go park it in the middle of the freeway and yell at everyone to get off my driveway.' -- Steven Wright ul)u'iSI woke up this morning and discovered that everything in my apartment had been stolen and replaced with an exact replica. I told my roommate, 'Isn't this amazing? Everything in the apartment has been stolen and replaced with an exact replica.' He said, 'Do I know you?' -- Steven Wrighth'I went to the museum where they had all the heads and arms from the statues that are in all the other museums.' -- Steven Wright@g'I went to a job interview the other day, the guy asked me if I had any questions , I said yes, just one, if you're in a car traveling at the speed of light and you turn your headlights on, does anything happen? He said he couldn't answer that, I told him sorry, but I couldn't work for him then. -- Steven WrightbfI'I went into a general store, and they wouldn't sell me anything specific'. -- Steven Wright.ecI was the best I ever had. -- Woody Allen `h.ag`^rAI'm not afraid of death -- I just don't want to be there when it happens. -- Woody AllenBq I'm going to live forever, or die trying! -- Spider RobinsonapGI'm going to give my psychoanalyst one more year, then I'm going to Lourdes. -- Woody AllenPo%I'm going to Boston to see my doctor. He's a very sick man. -- Fred AllenJnI'll be comfortable on the couch. Famous last words. -- Lenny BruceZm9I'd never join any club that would have the likes of me as a member. -- Groucho MarxJlI'D LIKE TO BE BURIED INDIAN-STYLE, where they put you up on a high rack, above the ground. That way, you could get hit by meteorites and not even feel it. -- Jack Handley, The New Mexican, 1988.8kwI'd horsewhip you if I had a horse. -- Groucho Marxj/I worked in a health food store once. A guy came in and asked me, 'If I melt dry ice, can I take a bath without getting wet?' -- Steven Wright ,UwIf you live to the age of a hundred you have it made because very few people die past the age of a hundred. -- George Burns vIf only God would give me some clear sign! Like making a large deposit in my name at a Swiss bank. -- Woody Allen, 'Without Feathers'FuIf only Dionysus were alive! Where would he eat? -- Woody Allen~tIf God had wanted us to be concerned for the plight of the toads, he would have made them cute and furry. -- Dave BarryRs)I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it. -- Groucho Marx DD9xwIf you throw a New Year's Party, the worst thing that you can do would be to throw the kind of party where your guests wake up today, and call you to say they had a nice time. Now you'll be be expected to throw another party next year. What you should do is throw the kind of party where your guest wake up several days from now and call their lawyers to find out if they've been indicted for anything. You want your guests to be so anxious to avoid a recurrence of your party that they immediately start planning parties of their own, a year in advance, just to prevent you from having another one ... If your party is successful, the police will knock on your door, unless your party is very successful in which case they will lob tear gas through your living room window. As host, your job is to make sure that they don't arrest anybody. Or if they're dead set on arresting someone, your job is to make sure it isn't you ... -- Dave Barry c1<}Is it weird in here, or is it just me? -- Steven Wright0|gIn like a dimwit, out like a light. -- Pogor{iIn America today ... we have Woody Allen, whose humor has become so sophisticated that nobody gets it any more except Mia Farrow. All those who think Mia Farrow should go back to making movies where the devil gets her pregnant and Woody Allen should go back to dressing up as a human sperm, please raise your hands. Thank you. -- Dave Barry, 'Why Humor is Funny'Uz/If you've done six impossible things before breakfast, why not round it off with dinner at Milliway's, the restaurant at the end of the universe? -- Douglas Adams, 'The Restaurant at the End of the Universe'Ny!If you want to make God laugh, tell him about your plans. -- Woody Allen EEaGIt isn't necessary to have relatives in Kansas City in order to be unhappy. -- Groucho MarxcKIt is impossible to experience one's death objectively and still carry a tune. -- Woody Alleno~cIt is an important and popular fact that things are not always what they seem. For instance, on the planet Earth, man had always assumed that he was more intelligent than dolphins because he had achieved so much -- the wheel, New York, wars and so on -- whilst all the dolphins had ever done was muck about in the water having a good time. But conversely, the dolphins had always believed that they were far more intelligent than man -- for precisely the same reasons. Curiously enough, the dolphins had long known of the impending destruction of the of the planet Earth and had made many attempts to alert mankind to the danger; but most of their communications were misinterpreted ... -- Douglas Admas 'The Hitchhikers' Guide To The Galaxy' bJ4bW3Life is divided into the horrible and the miserable. -- Woody Allen, 'Annie Hall'HLast year we drove across the country... We switched on the driving... every half mile. We had one cassette tape to listen to on the entire trip. I don't remember what it was. -- Steven Wright(ULast night the power went out. Good thing my camera had a flash.... The neighbors thought it was lightning in my house, so they called the cops. -- Steven WrightdMIt's not that I'm afraid to die. I just don't want to be there when it happens. -- Woody AllenV1It's hard to get ivory in Africa, but in Alabama the Tuscaloosa. -- Groucho MarxS+It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to have to paint it. -- Steven Wright2iIt looked like something resembling white marble, which was probably what it was: something resembling white marble. -- Douglas Adams, 'The Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy' XXO #Like you, I am frequently haunted by profound questions related to man's place in the Scheme of Things. Here are just a few: Q -- Is there life after death? A -- Definitely. I speak from personal experience here. On New Year's Eve, 1970, I drank a full pitcher of a drink called 'Black Russian', then crawled out on the lawn and died within a matter of minutes, which was fine with me because I had come to realize that if I had lived I would have spent the rest of my life in the grip of the most excruciatingly painful headache. Thanks to the miracle of modern orange juice, I was brought back to life several days later, but in the interim I was definitely dead. I guess my main impression of the afterlife is that it isn't so bad as long as you keep the television turned down and don't try to eat any solid foods. -- Dave BarryR)Life is wasted on the living. -- The Restaurant at the Edge of the Universe. pB|}My friend has a baby. I'm writing down all the noises he makes so later I can ask him what he meant. -- Steven Wright& QMy brother sent me a postcard the other day with this big satellite photo of the entire earth on it. On the back it said: 'Wish you were here'. -- Steven Wright 'Many years ago in a period commonly know as Next Friday Afternoon, there lived a King who was very Gloomy on Tuesday mornings because he was so Sad thinking about how Unhappy he had been on Monday and how completely Mournful he would be on Wednesday.... -- Walt Kelly ' 'Many have seen Topaxci, God of the Red Mushroom, and they earn the name of shaman,' he said. Somj Man 1: Ask me the what the most important thing about telling a good joke is. Man 2: OK, what is the most impo -- Man 1: ______TIMING!e have seen Skelde, spirit of the smoke, and they are called sorcerers. A few have been privileged to see Umcherrel, the soul of the forest, and they are known as spirit masters. But none have seen a box with hundreds of legs that looked at them without eyes, and they are known as idio--' The interruption was caused by a sudden screaming noise and a flurry of snow and sparks that blew the fire across the dark hut; there was a brief blurred vision and then the opposite wall was blasted aside and the apparition vanished. There was a long silence. Then a slightly shorter silence. Then the old shaman said carefully, 'You didn't just see two men go through upside down on a broomstick, shouting and screaming at each other, did you?' The boy looked at him levelly. 'Certainly not,' he said. The old man heaved a sigh of relief. 'Thank goodness for that,' he said. 'Neither did I.' -- Terry Pratchett, 'The Light Fantastic', and back in bed by 7:00. Pretty soon we were back in bed by 6:30. Now Africa is full of big game. The first day I shot two bucks. That was the biggest game we had. Africa is primerally inhabited by Elks, Moose and Knights of Pithiests. The elks live up in the mountains and come down once a year for their annual conventions. And you should see them gathered around the water hole, which they leave immediately when they discover it's full of water. They weren't looking for a water hole. They were looking for an alck hole. One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas, how he got in my pajamas, I don't know. Then we tried to remove the tusks. That's a tough word to say, tusks. As I said we tried to remove the tusks, but they were imbedded so firmly we couldn't get them out. But in Alabama the Tuscaloosa, but that is totally irrelephant to what I was saying. We took some pictures of the native girls, but they weren't developed. So we're going back in a few years... -- Julius H. Marx [Groucho] 2 u2@Now is the time for all good men to come to. -- Walt Kelly*[NOBODY EXPECTS THE SPANISH INQUISITION!fQNirvana? That's the place where the powers that be and their friends hang out. -- Zonker Harris*YNietzsche says that we will live the same life, over and over again. God -- I'll have to sit through the Ice Capades again. -- Woody Allen, 'Hannah and Her Sisters';{ My friends, I am here to tell you of the wonderous continent known as Africa. Well we left New York drunk and early on the morning of February 31. We were 15 days on the water, and 3 on the boat when we finally arrived in Africa. Upon our arrival we immediately set up a rigorous schedule: Up at 6:00, breakfastk |3k[Outside of a dog, a book is a man's best friend. Inside a dog it's too dark to read. -- Groucho MarxFOne doesn't have a sense of humor. It has you. -- Larry Gelbart Obviously the subject of death was in the air, but more as something to be avoided than harped upon. Possibly the horror that Zaphod experienced at the prospect of being reunited with his deceased relatives led on to the thought that they might just feel the same way about him and, what's more, be able to do something about helping to postpone this reunion. -- Douglas Adams ll^ARomeo wasn't bilked in a day. -- Walt Kelly, 'Ten Ever-Lovin' Blue-Eyed Years With Pogo'R)Rincewind formed a mental picture of some strange entity living in a castle made of teeth. It was the kind of mental picture you tried to forget. Unsuccessfully. -- Terry Pratchett, 'The Light Fantastic'S+'Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time.' -- Steven Wright Puns are little 'plays on words' that a certain breed of person loves to spring on you and then look at you in a certain self-satisfied way to indicate that he thinks that you must think that he is by far the cleverest person on Earth now that Benjamin Franklin is dead, when in fact what you are thinking is that if this person ever ends up in a lifeboat, the other passengers will hurl him overboard by the end of the first day even if they have plenty of food and water. -- Dave Barry, 'Why Humor is Funny' *.cShowing up is 80% of life. -- Woody AllenR)Sharks are as tough as those football fans who take their shirts off during games in Chicago in January, only more intelligent. -- Dave Barry, 'Sex and the Single Amoeba: What Every Teen Should Know' >Some of you ... may have decided that, this year, you're going to celebrate it the old-fashioned way, with your family sitting around stringing cranberries and exchanging humble, handmade gifts, like on 'The Waltons'. Well, you can forget it. If everybody pulled that kind of subversive stunt, the economy would collapse overnight. The government would have to intervene: it would form a cabinet-level Department of Holiday Gift-Giving, which would spend billions and billions of tax dollars to buy Barbie dolls and electronic games, which it would drop on the populace from Air Force jets, killing and maiming thousands. So, for the good of the nation, you should go along with the Holiday Program. This means you should get a large sum of money and go to a mall. -- Dave Barry, 'Christmas Shopping: A Survivor's Guide' _CThank goodness modern convenience is a thing of the remote future. -- Pogo, by Walt Kelly_CSOMETIMES THE BEAUTY OF THE WORLD is so overwhelming, I just want to throw back my head and gargle. Just gargle and gargle and I don't care who hears me because I am beautiful. -- Jack Handley, The New Mexican, 1988. 55K!The best cure for insomnia is to get a lot of sleep. -- W. C. Fieldsy wThe basic idea behind malls is that they are more convenient than cities. Cities contain streets, which are dangerous and crowded and difficult to park in. Malls, on the other hand, have parking lots, which are also dangerous and crowded and difficult to park in, but -- here is the big difference -- in mall parking lots, THERE ARE NO RULES. You're allowed to do anything. You can drive as fast as you want in any direction you want. I was once driving in a mall parking lot when my car was struck by a pickup truck being driven backward by a squat man with a tattoo that said 'Charlie' on his forearm, who got out and explained to me, in great detail, why the accident was my fault, his reasoning being that he was violent and muscular, whereas I was neither. This kind of reasoning is legally valid in mall parking lots. -- Dave Barry, 'Christmas Shopping: A Survivor's Guide'   $CThe grand leap of the whale up the Fall of Niagara is esteemed, by all who have seen it, as one of the finest spectacles in nature. -- Benjamin Franklin.N#!The buffalo isn't as dangerous as everyone makes him out to be. Statistics prove that in the United States more Americans are killed in automobile accidents than are killed by buffalo. -- Art Buchwaldh"UThe best way to make a fire with two sticks is to make sure one of them is a match. -- Will Rogers A&The other day I... uh, no, that wasn't me. -- Steven Wrightn%a The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy has a few things to say on the subject of towels. Most importantly, a towel has immense psychological value. For some reason, if a non-hitchhiker discovers that a hitchhiker has his towel with him, he will automatically assume that he is also in possession of a toothbrush, washcloth, flask, gnat spray, space suit, etc., etc. Furthermore, the non-hitchhiker will then happily lend the hitchhiker any of these or a dozen other items that he may have 'lost'. After all, any man who can hitch the length and breadth of the Galaxy, struggle against terrible odds, win through and still know where his towel is, is clearly a man to be reckoned with. -- Douglas Adams, 'The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy' +?+)There comes a time in the affairs of a man when he has to take the bull by the tail and face the situation. -- W.C. Fields ( The Three Major Kind of Tools * Tools for hittings things to make them loose or to tighten them up or jar their many complex, sophisticated electrical parts in such a manner that they function perfectly. (These are your hammers, maces, bludgeons, and truncheons.) * Tools that, if dropped properly, can penetrate your foot. (Awls) * Tools that nobody should ever use because the potential danger is far greater than the value of any project that could possibly result. (Power saws, power drills, power staplers, any kind of tool that uses any kind of power more advanced than flashlight batteries.) -- Dave Barry, 'The Taming of the Screw'=' 'The pyramid is opening!' 'Which one?' 'The one with the ever-widening hole in it!' -- Firesign Theater, 'How Can You Be In Two Places At Once When You're Not Anywhere At All' _ )0_O2#We is confronted with insurmountable opportunities. -- Walt Kelly, 'Pogo'71uWe have met the enemy, and he is us. -- Walt KellyB0 Twenty Percent of Zero is Better than Nothing. -- Walt Kelly/;TOO BAD YOU CAN'T BUY a voodoo globe so that you could make the earth spin real fast and freak everybody out. -- Jack Handley, The New Mexican, 1988.W.3Time is an illusion, lunchtime doubly so. -- The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy -This land is full of trousers! this land is full of mausers! And pussycats to eat them when the sun goes down! -- Firesign TheaterP,%Things will get better despite our efforts to improve them. -- Will Rogersy+wThere's so much plastic in this culture that vinyl leopard skin is becoming an endangered synthetic. -- Lily Tomlinx*uThere's no easy quick way out, we're gonna have to live through our whole lives, win, lose, or draw. -- Walt Kelly jS:7{What's another word for 'thesaurus'? -- Steven Wright6! 'What shall we do?' said Twoflower. 'Panic?' said Rincewind hopefully. He always held that panic was the best means of survival; back in the olden days, his theory went, people faced with hungry sabretoothed tigers could be divided very simply into those who panicked and those who stood there saying 'What a magnificent brute!' and 'Here, pussy.' -- Terry Pratchett, 'The Light Fantastic'i5WWhat is comedy? Comedy is the art of making people laugh without making them puke. -- Steve Martin'4SWhat if nothing exists and we're all in somebody's dream? Or what's worse, what if only that fat guy in the third row exists? -- Woody Allen, 'Without Feathers'3)What if everything is an illusion and nothing exists? In that case, I definitely overpaid for my carpet. -- Woody Allen, 'Without Feathers' &m`z&Q?'Would you *______really* want to get on a non-stop flight? -- George Carlinb>IWinny and I lived in a house that ran on static electricity... If you wanted to run the blender, you had to rub balloons on your head... if you wanted to cook, you had to pull off a sweater real quick... -- Steven Wright=AWill Rogers never met you.V<1Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song? -- Steven Wright#;KWhere humor is concerned there are no standards -- no one can say what is good or bad, although you can be sure that everyone will. -- John Kenneth Galbraith:When I woke up this morning, my girlfriend asked if I had slept well. I said, 'No, I made a few mistakes.' -- Steven Wrighte9OWhen I was little, I went into a pet shop and they asked how big I'd get. -- Rodney Dangerfield8#When I was crossing the border into Canada, they asked if I had any firearms with me. I said, 'Well, what do you need?' -- Steven Wright ZQGZiDWYou're a good example of why some animals eat their young. -- Jim Samuels to a heckler Ah, yes. I remember my first beer. -- Steve Martin to a heckler When your IQ rises to 28, sell. -- Professor Irwin Corey to a heckler3CkYou'd better beat it. You can leave in a taxi. If you can't get a taxi, you can leave in a huff. If that's too soon, you can leave in a minute and a huff. -- Groucho MarxPB%You may already be a loser. -- Form letter received by Rodney Dangerfield.^AA 'You know, it's at times like this when I'm trapped in a Vogon airlock with a man from Betelgeuse and about to die of asphyxiation in deep space that I really wish I'd listened to what my mother told me when I was young!' 'Why, what did she tell you?' 'I don't know, I didn't listen.' -- Douglas Adams, 'The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy'J@You can't have everything. Where would you put it? -- Steven Wright5|vpjd^XRLF@:4.(" FA log may float in a river, but that does not mao_QA7* }p_UNC2#{jf[L;4,"zieUG9(qh\J=/~}| { YFA log may float in a river, but that does not make it a crocodile.wsA furore Normanorum libera nos, O Domine! [From the fury of the norsemen deliver us, O Lord!] -- Medieval prayer[; A crow perched himself on a telephone wire. He was going to make a long-distance caw.#M40 isn't old. If you're a tree.#$3,000,000.-1 bulls, 3 cows. .h.8 wA squeegee by any other name wouldn't sound as funny.o c A reverend wanted to telephone another reverend. He told the operator, 'This is a parson to parson call.'>A prediction is worth twenty explanations. -- K. BrecherdMA pickup with three guys in it pulls into the lumber yard. One of the men gets out and goes into the office. 'I need some four-by-two's,' he says. 'You must mean two-by-four's' replies the clerk. The man scratches his head. 'Wait a minute,' he says, 'I'll go check.' Back, after an animated conversation with the other occupants of the truck, he reassures the clerk, that, yes, in fact, two-by-fours would be acceptable. 'OK,' says the clerk, writing it down, 'how long you want 'em?' The guy gets the blank look again. 'Uh... I guess I better go check,' he says. He goes back out to the truck, and there's another animated conversation. The guy comes back into the office. 'A long time,' he says, 'we're building a house'. f|f/Adults die young.[ ;According to my best recollection, I don't remember. -- Vincent 'Jimmy Blue Eyes' Alo/ c A young girl, Carmen Cohen, was called by her last name by her father, and her first name by her mother. By the time she was ten, didn't know if she was Carmen or Cohen.s kA vacuum is a hell of a lot better than some of the stuff that nature replaces it with. -- Tennessee Williams @qgAhhhhhh... the smell of cuprinol and mahogany. It excites me to... acts of passion... acts of... ineptitude..cAh, the Tsar's bazaar's bizarre beaux-arts!2kAgree with them now, it will save so much time.T-Age is a tyrant who forbids, at the penalty of life, all the pleasures of youth.=African violet: Such worth is rare Apple blossom: Preference Bachelor's button: Celibacy Bay leaf: I change but in death Camelia: Reflected loveliness Chrysanthemum, red: I love Chrysanthemum, white: Truth Chrysanthemum, other: Slighted love Clover: Be mine Crocus: Abuse not Daffodil: Innocence Forget-me-not: True love Fuchsia: Fast Gardenia: Secret, untold love Honeysuckle: Bonds of love Ivy: Friendship, fidelity, marriage Jasmine: Amiablity, transports of joy, sensuality Leaves (dead): Melancholy Lilac: Youthful innocence Lilly: Purity, sweetness Lilly of the valley: Return of happiness Magnolia: Dignity, perseverance * An upside-down blossom reverses the meaning. 3c-j23MAny time things appear to be going better, you have overlooked something.Any stone in your boot always migrates against the pressure gradient to exactly the point of most pressure. -- Milt Barber+]And I alone am returned to wag the tail.6s... and furthermore ... I don't like your trousers.S+An atom-blaster is a good weapon, but it can point both ways. -- Isaac Asimov>Amnesia used to be my favorite word, but then I forgot it. AMAZING BUT TRUE ... There is so much sand in Northern Africa that if it were spread out it would completely cover the Sahara Desert.?AMAZING BUT TRUE ... If all the salmon caught in Canada in one year were laid end to end across the Sahara Desert, the smell would be absolutely awful.4oAm I ranting? I hope so. My ranting gets raves.^AAll the really good ideas I ever had came to me while I was milking a cow. -- Grant Wood;}All phone calls are obscene. -- Karen Elizabeth Gordon <+RW)R<//Boy! Eucalyptus!S.+Blue paint today. [Funny to Jack Slingwine, Guy Harris and Hal Pierson. Ed.]Q-'Blessed are they who Go Around in Circles, for they Shall be Known as Wheels.-,aBlame Saint Andreas -- it's all his fault.,+_Bizarreness is the essence of the exotic.)*YBiggest security gap -- an open mouth.f)QBelieve everything you hear about the world; nothing is too impossibly bad. -- Honor'e de Balzacf(QBeing frustrated is disagreeable, but the real disasters in life begin when you get what you want.A'Before I knew the best part of my life had come, it had gone.G&BE ALOOF! (There has been a recent population explosion of lerts.)/%eBE ALERT!!!! (The world needs more lerts...)$;Batteries not included.j#YBare feet magnetize sharp metal objects so they point upward from the floor -- especially in the dark."7BAD CRAZINESS, MAN!!!!Avec!/ eAs Zeus said to Narcissus, 'Watch yourself.'+Are we not men? 7{9R7=9Death to all fanatics!Z<9 'Whatever the missing mass of the universe is, I hope it's not cockroaches!' -- Mom;ECuster committed Siouxicide.H:Culture is the habit of being pleased with the best and knowing why.9Congratulations are in order for Tom Reid. He says he just found out he is the winner of the 2021 Psychic of the Year award.68sConfucius say too much. -- Recent Chinese Proverb)7YColorless green ideas sleep furiously.>6 Chapter VIII Due to the convergence of forces beyond his comprehension, Salvatore Quanucci was suddenly squirted out of the universe like a watermelon seed, and never heard from again.05gCF&C stole it, fair and square. -- Tim HahnD4 By perseverance the snail reached the Ark. -- Charles Spurgeon@3But like the Good Book says... There's BIGGER DEALS to come!12i 'But Huey, you PROMISED!' 'Tell 'em I lied.',1_Bushydo -- the way of the shrub. Bonsai!"0KBoy, that crayon sure did hurt! myavEm*J[Do students of Zen Buddhism do Om-work?/IeDo people know you have freckles everywhere?yHwDo not use that foreign word 'ideals'. We have that excellent native word 'lies'. -- Henrik Ibsen, 'The Wild Duck'/GeDo not underestimate the power of the Force.F)Dime is money.AEDignity is like a flag. It flaps in a storm. -- Roy MengotD)'Die? I should say not, dear fellow. No Barrymore would allow such a conventional thing to happen to him.' -- John Barrymore's dying words9CyDid you know ... That no-one ever reads these things?RB)Did you hear about the model who sat on a broken bottle and cut a nice figure?ADid it ever occur to you that fat chance and slim chance mean the same thing? Or that we drive on parkways and park on driveways?@7Did I say 2? I lied.H?Deprive a mirror of its silver and even the Czar won't see his face.!>IDepart in pieces, i.e., split. v`38k_9 v\/Drop that pickle!@[Dreams are free, but there's a small charge for alterations.:Z{Drawing on my fine command of language, I said nothing.-YaDr. Livingston? Dr. Livingston I. Presume?$XODr. Jekyll had something to Hyde. WDouble!OV#Don't worry if you're a kleptomaniac; you can always take something for it.@UDon't worry -- the brontosaurus is slow, stupid, and placid.8TwDon't speak about Time, until you have spoken to him.OS#Don't quit now, we might just as well lock the door and throw away the key.(RWDon't let your status become too quo!Q/Don't I know you?2PkDon't guess -- check your security regulations.4OoDon't force it, get a larger hammer. -- Anthony+N]Does a one-legged duck swim in a circle?&MSDo YOU have redeeming social value?L7Do you have lysdexia?\K= 'Do you believe in intuition?' 'No, but I have a strange feeling that someday I will.' Ji/.7'I don't mind going nowhere as long as it's an interesting path.' -- Ronald MabbittY=7I don't have any solution but I certainly admire the problem. -- Ashleigh Brilliant<<I despise the pleasure of pleasing people whom I despise.6;sI couldn't possibly fail to disagree with you less.(:WI can resist anything but temptation. 1Hm7}01[U;'I only touch base with reality on an as-needed basis!' -- Royal Floyd Mengot (Klaus)"TKI never did it that way before.?SI love treason but hate a traitor. -- Gaius Julius Caesar7RuI live the way I type; fast, with a lot of mistakes.JQI know you're in search of yourself, I just haven't seen you anywhere.|P}I know you think you thought you knew what you thought I said, but I'm not sure you understood what you thought I meant.8OwI know it all. I just can't remember it all at once.3NmI hear what you're saying but I just don't care.XM5I hear the sound that the machines make, and feel my heart break, just for a moment.:L{I haven't lost my mind; I know exactly where I left it.@KI have seen the Great Pretender and he is not what he seems.8JwI have more hit points that you can possible imagine.'IUI have become me without my consent.PH%I have a terrible headache, I was putting on toilet water and the lid fell.ost random vegetables, but excluding yams, as I am absolutely terrified of yams... Actually, I think my fear of yams began in my early youth, when many of my young comrades pelted me with same for singing songs of far-off lands and deep blue seas in a language closely resembling that of the common sow. My psychosis was further impressed into my soul as I reached adolescence, when, while skipping through a field of yams, light-heartedly tossing flowers into the stratosphere, a great yam-picking machine tore through the fields, pursuing me to the edge of the great plantation, where I escaped by diving into a great ditch filled with a mixture of water and pig manure, which may explain my tendency to scream, 'Here come the Martians! Hide the eggs!' every time I have pork. But I digress. The fact remains that I cannot rationally deal with yams, and pigs are terrible conversationalists. ^TOL^@eI wouldn't be so paranoid if you weren't all out to get me!!d9I will not forget you.c=I will never lie to you.8bwI will make you shorter by the head. -- Elizabeth I3amI will always love the false image I had of you.?`I want to reach your mind -- where is it currently located?>_I used to think I was indecisive, but now I'm not so sure.E^I used to get high on life but lately I've built up a resistance.5]qI used to be an agnostic, but now I'm not so sure.U\/I understand why you're confused. You're thinking too much. -- Carole Wallach.$[OI thought YOU silenced the guard!Z/I smell a wumpus.-YaI saw what you did and I know who you are.WJoin the march to save individuality!,=_Joe's sister puts spaghetti in her shoes!m<_It's pretty hard to tell what does bring happiness; poverty and wealth have both failed. -- Kim Hubbard AR[w2A[Live fast, die young, and leave a flat patch of fur on the highway! -- The Squirrels' Motto (The 'Hell's Angels of Nature')+Z]Littering is dumb. -- Ronald Macdonald;Y}Like winter snow on summer lawn, time past is time gone.BX Life would be tolerable but for its amusements. -- G.B. ShawW?Life is not for everyone.V=Life is like an analogy.U9Life is like a simile.FTLife is just a bowl of cherries, but why do I always get the pits??SLife is fraught with opportunities to keep your mouth shut.-RaLife is both difficult and time-consuming.CQ Life being what it is, one dreams of revenge. -- Paul GauguinPELife -- Love It or Leave It.\O=Let's remind ourselves that last year's fresh idea is today's cliche. -- Austen BriggsaNGLet others praise ancient times; I am glad I was born in these. -- Ovid (43 B.C. - A.D. 18)GMLet me put it this way: today is going to be a learning experience. _\?,f_Man who sleep in beer keg wake up sticky.IeMan who falls in vat of molten optical glass makes spectacle of self.Bd Man who falls in blast furnace is certain to feel overwrought.c;Madness takes its toll.HbLuck can't last a lifetime, unless you die young. -- Russell Banks3amLove the sea? I dote upon it -- from the beach.0`gLost interest? It's so bad I've lost apathy.L_Losing your drivers' license is just God's way of saying 'BOOGA, BOOGA!'>^Lookie, lookie, here comes cookie... -- Stephen SondheimA]Look! Before our very eyes, the future is becoming the past.\9Look out! Behind you! $ a$:j{May the fleas of a thousand camels infest your armpits.@iMay a Misguided Platypus lay its Eggs in your Jockey Shorts.yhwMay a hundred thousand midgets invade your home singing cheesy lounge-lizard versions of songs from The Wizard of Oz.\g=Marigold: Jealousy Mint: Virute Orange blossom: Your purity equals your loveliness Orchid: Beauty, magnificence Pansy: Thoughts Peach blossom: I am your captive Petunia: Your presence soothes me Poppy: Sleep Rose, any color: Love Rose, deep red: Bashful shame Rose, single, pink: Simplicity Rose, thornless, any: Early attachment Rose, white: I am worthy of you Rose, yellow: Decrease of love, rise of jealousy Rosebud, white: Girlhood, and a heart ignorant of love Rosemary: Remembrance Sunflower: Haughtiness Tulip, red: Declaration of love Tulip, yellow: Hopeless love Violet, blue: Faithfulness Violet, white: Modesty Zinnia: Thoughts of absent friends * An upside-down blossom reverses the meaning. 3vMY"y'u3?{Must be getting close to town -- we're hitting more people.3zmMount St. Helens should have used earth control.Zy9Mother is far too clever to understand anything she does not like. -- Arnold Bennettx?Mother Earth is not flat!Ow#Most general statements are false, including this one. -- Alexander Dumas9vyMost burning issues generate far more heat than light.No matter how cynical you get, it's impossible to keep up.1No guts, no glory.MNo bird soars too high if he soars with his own wings. -- William BlakeINietzsche is pietzsche, but Schiller is killer, and Goethe is moethe.hUNew members are urgently needed in the Society for Prevention of Cruelty to Yourself. Apply within..cNever volunteer for anything. -- Lackland~Never use 'etc.' -- it makes people think there is more where there is not or that there is not space to list it all, etc.ANever be afraid to tell the world who you are. -- Anonymous-~_'Naomi, sex at noon taxes.' I moan. Never odd or even. A man, a plan, a canal, Panama. Madam, I'm Adam. Sit on a potato pan, Otis. Sit on Otis. -- The Mad Palindromist-}aMy, how you've changed since I've changed.W|3My interest is in the future because I am going to spend the rest of my life there. )g6i@)NOTICE: -- THE ELEVATORS WILL BE OUT OF ORDER TODAY -- (The nearest working elevator is in the building across the street.)2kNothing lasts forever. Where do I find nothing?Z9Nothing is so often irretrievably missed as a daily opportunity. -- Ebner-EschenbachW3Nothing is so firmly believed as that which we least know. -- Michel de MontaigneINothing cures insomnia like the realization that it's time to get up./eNothing can be done in one trip. -- SniderN!Not to laugh, not to lament, not to curse, but to understand. -- Spinoza&SNostalgia isn't what it used to be.- aNostalgia is living life in the past lane.( WNon-sequiturs make me eat lampshades.F Non-Determinism is not meant to be reasonable. -- M.J. 0'Donnell. cNobody ever died from oven crude poisoning., _No yak too dirty; no dumpster too hollow.gSNo small art is it to sleep: it is necessary for that purpose to keep awake all day. -- Nietzsche @{Hi P@#Over the years, I've developed my sense of deja vu so acutely that now I can remember things that *have* happened before ...W"3Our problems are so serious that the best way to talk about them is lightheartedly./!eOur houseplants have a good sense of humous.; }Operator, please trace this call and tell me where I am.;Onward through the fog.Q'Once I finally figured out all of life's answers, they changed the questions.COh, wow! Look at the moon!FOh, well, I guess this is just going to be one of those lifetimes.HOh yeah? Well, I remember when sex was dirty and the air was clean.4oOdets, where is thy sting? -- George S. Kaufman#O.K., fine.IO imitators, you slavish herd! -- Quintus Horatius Flaccus (Horace)0gNudists are people who wear one-button suits.Now there's a violent movie titled, 'The Croquet Homicide,' or 'Murder With Mallets Aforethought.' -- Shelby Friedman, WSJ. 5p9S?p582wPunning is the worst vice, and there's no vice versa.I1Progress was all right. Only it went on too long. -- James ThurberW03Progress might have been all right once, but it's gone on too long. -- Ogden Nash&/SPreserve the old, but know the new.K.Prediction is very difficult, especially of the future. -- Niels Bohr,-_Predestination was doomed from the start.Q,'Please remain calm, it's no use both of us being hysterical at the same time.@+Please help keep the world clean: others may wish to use it.*=Plastic... Aluminum... These are the inheritors of the Universe! Flesh and Blood have had their day... and that day is past! -- Green Lantern Comics")KPiece of cake! -- G.S. Koblas(CPhone call for chucky-pooh.4'oPeace be to this house, and all that dwell in it.!&IPaul Revere was a tattle-tale.%=Pardon me while I laugh.K$Paranoid Club meeting this Friday. Now ... just try to find out where! @?{KI@NC!Sailors in ships, sail on! Even while we died, others rode out the storm.B'Safety Third.$AORubber bands have snappy endings!@;Ring around the collar.^?AResisting temptation is easier when you think you'll probably get another chance later on.S>+Remember, drive defensively! And of course, the best defense is a good offense!"=KRemember the... the... uhh.....P<%Remember that there is an outside world to see and enjoy. -- Hans Liepmann1;iReality -- what a concept! -- Robin Williams-:aRainy days and Mondays always get me down.79uRainy days and automatic weapons always get me down.Y87Quod erat demonstrandum. [Thus it is proven. For those who wondered WTF QED means.]+7]Quick!! Act as if nothing has happened!q6gQuestion: Is it better to abide by the rules until they're changed or help speed the change by breaking them?5;Quack! Quack!! Quack!!4QED.#3MPyros of the world... IGNITE !!! CP;o% CBN 'Sheriff, we gotta catch Black Bart.' 'Oh, yeah? What's he look like?' 'Well, he's wearin' a paper hat, a paper shirt, paper pants and paper boots.' 'What's he wanted for?' 'Rustling.'M9She's genuinely bogus.GLShe has an alarm clock and a phone that don't ring -- they applaud.rKiSee, these two penguins walked into a bar, which was really stupid, 'cause the second one should have seen it.+J]Save the whales. Collect the whole set.&ISSave the Whales -- Harpoon a Honda.H+Save the bales!0GgSatire does not look pretty upon a tombstone.9FySanta's elves are just a bunch of subordinate Clauses.E=Santa Claus is watching! DGSank heaven for leetle curls. !xMlE!!UISmear the road with a runner!!$TOSleep is for the weak and sickly.TS-Slang is language that takes off its coat, spits on its hands, and goes to work.,R_Silence is the only virtue you have left.XQ5Silence is the element in which great things fashion themselves. -- Thomas Carlyle(PWSight is a faculty; seeing is an art.O Shirley MacLaine died today in a freak psychic collision today. Two freaks in a van [Oh no!! It's the Copyright Police!!] Her aura-charred body was laid to rest after a eulogy by Jackie Collins, fellow member of SAFE [Society of Asinine Flake Entertainers]. Excerpted from some of his more quotable comments: 'Truly a woman of the times. These times, those times...' 'A Renaissance woman. Why in 1432...' 'A man for all seasons. Really...' After the ceremony, Shirley thanked her mourners and explained how delightful it was to 'get it together' again, presumably referring to having her now dead body join her long dead brain. 6QN&k62_kSometimes, too long is too long. -- Joe CroweB^ Somehow, the world always affects you more than you affect it.s]kSomehow I reached excess without ever noticing when I was passing through satisfaction. -- Ashleigh Brilliant\\=Someday, Weederman, we'll look back on all this and laugh... It will probably be one of those deep, eerie ones that slowly builds to a blood-curdling maniacal scream... but still it will be a laugh. -- Mister BoffoE[Someday you'll get your big chance -- or have you already had it?VZ1Someday we'll look back on this moment and plow into a parked car. -- Evan DavisHYSome people live life in the fast lane. You're in oncoming traffic.\X=Some parts of the past must be preserved, and some of the future prevented at all costs.`WESome changes are so slow, you don't notice them. Others are so fast, they don't notice you.IVSolipsists of the World... you are already united. -- Kayvan Sylvan =GSD(=Qp'The adjective is the banana peel of the parts of speech. -- Clifton Fadimano7That's what she said.Dn That's odd. That's very odd. Wouldn't you say that's very odd?2mkThank you for observing all safety precautions.l9Tempt me with a spoon!@kTake what you can use and let the rest go by. -- Ken Kesey"jKTake it easy, we're in a hurry.EiSupport the Girl Scouts! (Today's Brownie is tomorrow's Cookie!) hGStop me, before I kill again!9gyStealing a rhinoceros should not be attempted lightly.MfStanding on head makes smile of frown, but rest of face also upside down.e5Stamp out philately.AdStability itself is nothing else than a more sluggish motion.c/Sorry. Nice try.,b_Sorry. I forget what I was going to say.haUSooner or later you must pay for your sins. (Those who have already paid may disregard this cookie).K`Somewhere, something incredible is waiting to be known. -- Carl Sagan ,<SR,a}GThe future not being born, my friend, we will abstain from baptizing it. -- George Meredith|9The future lies ahead.8{wThe future isn't what it used to be. (It never was.).zc... the flaw that makes perfection perfect.7yuThe fact that it works is immaterial. -- L. OgbornZx9The executioner is, I hear, very expert, and my neck is very slender. -- Anne BoleynKwThe eagle may soar, but the weasel never gets sucked into a jet engine.Sv+The difference between this place and yogurt is that yogurt has a live culture.EuThe day after tomorrow is the third day of the rest of your life.t?The day advanced as if to light some work of mine; it was morning, and lo! now it is evening, and nothing memorable is accomplished. -- H.D. ThoreauVs1The cart has no place where a fifth wheel could be used. -- Herbert von Fritzlar.rcThe best prophet of the future is the past.7quThe beauty of a pun is in the 'Oy!' of the beholder. uZx=CuU /The one good thing about repeating your mistakes is that you know when to cringe.?The most important things, each person must do for himself.1iThe mosquito exists to keep the mighty humble.D The Martian Canals were clearly the Martian's last ditch effort!@The luck that is ordained for you will be coveted by others.IThe last person who said that (God rest his soul) lived to regret it.!IThe Killer Ducks are coming!!!8w 'The jig's up, Elman.' 'Which jig?' -- Jeff ElmanHThe important thing to remember about walking on eggs is not to hop.+The hearing ear is always found close to the speaking tongue, a custom whereof the memory of man runneth not howsomever to the contrary, nohow.[;The groundhog is like most other prophets; it delivers its message and then disappears.E~The grass is always greener on the other side of your sunglasses. l<SlO#The sky is blue so we know where to stop mowing. -- Judge Harold T. StoneMThe sixth sheik's sixth sheep's sick. [so say said sentence sextuply...]B The shortest distance between any two puns is a straight line.6sThe sheep that fly over your head are soon to land.CThe sheep died in the wool.>The rose of yore is but a name, mere names are left to us.KThe reader this message encounters not failing to understand is cursed.j YThe problem with any unwritten law is that you don't know where to go to erase it. -- Glaser and Wayl ]The pollution's at that awkward stage. Too thick to navigate and too thin to cultivate. -- Doug Sneyde OThe philosopher's treatment of a question is like the treatment of an illness. -- Wittgenstein.} The past always looks better than it was. It's only pleasant because it isn't here. -- Finley Peter Dunne (Mr. Dooley) rP^0NriWThere are three things I always forget. Names, faces -- the third I can't remember. -- Italo Svevom_There are no rules for March. March is spring, sort of, usually, March means maybe, but don't bet on it.^AThen, gently touching my face, she hesitated for a moment as her incredible eyes poured forth into mine love, joy, pain, tragedy, acceptance, and peace. ''Bye for now,' she said warmly. -- Thea Alexander, '2150 A.D.'+]The worst part of valor is indiscretion.7uThe world wants to be deceived. -- Sebastian BrantZ9The world really isn't any worse. It's just that the news coverage is so much better.X5The whole world is a scab. The point is to pick it constructively. -- Peter Beard\=The whole earth is in jail and we're plotting this incredible jailbreak. -- Wavy GravyN!The tree in which the sap is stagnant remains fruitless. -- Hosea Ballou /Ew(<Y/'*UThink big. Pollute the Mississippi.()WThey just buzzed and buzzed...buzzed.>(They finally got King Midas, I hear. Gild by association.t'mThere's nothing very mysterious about you, except that nobody really knows your origin, purpose, or destination.V&1There's no real need to do housework -- after four years it doesn't get any worse.?%There seems no plan because it is all plan. -- C.S. LewisN$!There is nothing new except what has been forgotten. -- Marie AntoinetteL#There is no such thing as a problem without a gift for you in its hands.L"There is always something new out of Africa. -- Gaius Plinius Secundus3!mThere is always someone worse off than yourself.F There is a natural hootchy-kootchy to a goldfish. -- Walt DisneyW3There has been an alarming increase in the number of things you know nothing about.^AThere are two kinds of pedestrians... the quick and the dead. -- Lord Thomas Rober Dewar BK^B(BG7Tis man's perdition to be safe, when for the truth he ought to die.P6%Time will end all my troubles, but I don't always approve of Time's methods.F5Time is but the stream I go a-fishing in. -- Henry David Thoreau 4Three o'clock in the afternoon is always just a little too late or a little too early for anything you want to do. -- Jean-Paul Sartre3Three minutes' thought would suffice to find this out; but thought is irksome and three minutes is a long time. -- A.E. Houseman29This sentence no verb.K1This sentence does in fact not have the property it claims not to have.W03This sentence contradicts itself -- no actually it doesn't. -- Douglas HofstadterB/ This must be morning. I never could get the hang of mornings.L.This is the tomorrow you worried about yesterday. And now you know why.-7This is NOT a repeat.",KThink sideways! -- Ed De Bono#+MThink honk if you're a telepath. My,#;iMA9Use a pun, go to jail.7@uTwo cars in every pot and a chicken in every garage.?-True to our past we work with an inherited, observed, and accepted vision of personal futility, and of the beauty of the world. -- David Mamet7>sTrouble strikes in series of threes, but when working around the house the next job after a series of three is not the fourth job -- it's the start of a brand new series of three.*=[Trouble always comes at the wrong time.<Topologists are just plane folks. Pilots are just plane folks. Carpenters are just plane folks. Midwest farmers are just plain folks. Musicians are just playin' folks. Whodunit readers are just Spillane folks. Some Londoners are just P. Lane folks.J;'To vacillate or not to vacillate, that is the question ... or is it?':ETo see you is to sympathize.)9YTo love is good, love being difficult.68sTo generalize is to be an idiot. -- William Blake 0uJoV9S'0TQ-What excuses stand in your way? How can you eliminate them? -- Roger von Oech:P{What does 'it' mean in the sentence 'What time is it?'?`OE 'What did you do when the ship sank?' 'I grabbed a cake of soap and washed myself ashore.')NYWhat color is a chameleon on a mirror?0MgWhat causes the mysterious death of everyone?rLiWell, we'll really have a party, but we've gotta post a guard outside. -- Eddie Cochran, 'Come On Everybody';K}Well, the handwriting is on the floor. -- Joe E. LewisJ;Well thaaaaaaat's okay.I3Welcome to the Zoo!9HyWe'll cross that bridge when we come back to it later.FGWe must die because we have known them. -- Ptah-hotep, 2000 B.C.SF+We have lingered long enough on the shores of the Cosmic Ocean. -- Carl Sagan(EWWe have ears, earther...FOUR OF THEM!/DeWasting time is an important part of living.C/Wanna buy a duck??BWait for that wisest of all counselors, Time. -- Pericles Xa$dNX5_qWhen a cow laughs, does milk come out of its nose?A^When a camel flies, no one laughs if it doesn't get very far!$]OWhatever became of eternal truth?P\%'What's the use of a good quotation if you can't change it?' -- The Doctor[-What's so funny?Z?What's all this brouhaha?*Y[What!? Me worry? -- Alfred E. NewmanPX%What you want, what you're hanging around in the world waiting for, is for something to occur to you. -- Robert Frost [Quoted in 'VMS Internals and Data Structures', V4.4, when referring to AST's.]LWWhat will you do if all your problems aren't solved by the time you die?NV!What we cannot speak about we must pass over in silence. -- Wittgenstein:U{ 'What time is it?' 'I don't know, it keeps changing.'2TkWhat soon grows old? Gratitude. -- Aristotle*S[What is the sound of one hand clapping?:R{What happens when you cut back the jungle? It recedes. .D `!]7\@.o%Who are you?n9Whip it, whip it good!@mWhich is worse: ignorance or apathy? Who knows? Who cares?KlWhereof one cannot speak, thereof one must be silent. -- WittgensteinGkWhere will it all end? Probably somewhere near where it all began.#jMWhere am I? Who am I? Am I? I$iOWhen your memory goes, forget it!HhWhen you're ready to give up the struggle, who can you surrender to?Og#When you're down and out, lift up your voice and shout, 'I'M DOWN AND OUT'!;43,*% | z o h b ^UMG<851' unkbWTPGB>3/'%! wn߁cށ\݁RہLځFف<؁2ׁ*ց$ՁԁӁҁ Ёzokge^SOGFA@;76,'&%  ee5(1) Office employees will daily sweep the floors, dust the furniture, shelves, and showcases. (2) Each day fill lamps, clean chimneys, and trim wicks. Wash the windows once a week. (3) Each clerk will bring a bucket of water and a scuttle of coal for the day's business. (4) Make your pens carefully. You may whittle nibs to your individual taste. (5) This office will open at 7 a.m. and close at 8 p.m. except on the Sabbath, on which day we will remain closed. Each employee is expected to spend the Sabbath by attending church and contributing liberally to the cause of the Lord. -- 'Office Worker's Guide', New England Carriage Works, 1872 ##Z9(6) Men employees will be given time off each week for courting purposes, or two evenings a week if they go regularly to church. (7) After an employee has spent his thirteen hours of labor in the office, he should spend the remaining time reading the Bible and other good books. (8) Every employee should lay aside from each pay packet a goodly sum of his earnings for his benefit during his declining years, so that he will not become a burden on society or his betters. (9) Any employee who smokes Spanish cigars, uses alcoholic drink in any form, frequents pool tables and public halls, or gets shaved in a barber's shop, will give me good reason to suspect his worth, intentions, integrity and honesty. (10) The employee who has performed his labours faithfully and without a fault for five years, will be given an increase of five cents per day in his pay, providing profits from the business permit it. -- 'Office Worker's Guide', New England Carriage Works, 1872 <v@CF< A consultant is a person who borrows your watch, tells you what time it is, pockets the watch, and sends you a bill for it.* [A company is known by the men it keeps.[ ;A commune is where people join together to share their lack of wealth. -- R. Stallman A committee takes root and grows, it flowers, wilts and dies, scattering the seed from which other committees will bloom. -- Parkinsonl]A committee is a life form with six or more legs and no brain. -- Lazarus Long, 'Time Enough For Love'T-A committee is a group that keeps the minutes and loses hours. -- Milton BerleLA businessman is a hybrid of a dancer and a calculator. -- Paul ValeryW3A budget is just a method of worrying before you spend money, as well as afterward.4oA boss with no humor is like a job that's no fun.A bank is a place where they lend you an umbrella in fair weather and ask for it back the when it begins to rain. -- Robert Frost .w2}Q0gA mouse is an elephant built by the Japanese.*[A motion to adjourn is always in order.bIA memorandum is written not to inform the reader, but to protect the writer. -- Dean AchesonO#A meeting is an event at which the minutes are kept and the hours are lost.C A man is known by the company he organizes. -- Ambrose BierceiWA holding company is a thing where you hand an accomplice the goods while the policeman searches you.JA good supervisor can step on your toes without messing up your shine.^AA freelance is one who gets paid by the word -- per piece or perhaps. -- Robert Benchley$MA feed salesman is on his way to a farm. As he's driving along at forty m.p.h., he looks out his c"IA cow is a completely automated milk-manufacturing machine. It is encased in untanned leather and mounted on four vertical, movable supports, one at each corner. U /A continuing flow of paper is sufficient to continue the flow of paper. -- Dyer The front end of the machine, or input, contains the cutting and grinding mechanism, utilizing a unique feedback device. Here also are the headlights, air inlet and exhaust, a bumper and a foghorn. At the rear, the machine carries the milk-dispensing equipment as well as a built-in flyswatter and insect repeller. The central portion houses a hydro- chemical-conversion unit. Briefly, this consists of four fermentation and storage tanks connected in series by an intricate network of flexible plumbing. This assembly also contains the central heating plant complete with automatic temperature controls, pumping station and main ventilating system. The waste disposal apparatus is located to the rear of this central section. Cows are available fully-assembled in an assortment of sizes and colors. Production output ranges from 2 to 20 tons of milk per year. In brief, the main external visible features of the cow are: two lookers, two hookers, four stander-uppers, four hanger-downers, and a swishy-wishy.ar window and sees a three-legged chicken running alongside him, keeping pace with his car. He is amazed that a chicken is running at forty m.p.h. So he speeds up to forty-five, fifty, then sixty m.p.h. The chicken keeps right up with him the whole way, then suddenly takes off and disappears into the distance. The man pulls into the farmyard and says to the farmer, 'You know, the strangest thing just happened to me; I was driving along at at least sixty miles an hour and a chicken passed me like I was standing still!' 'Yeah,' the farmer replies, 'that chicken was ours. You see, there's me, and there's Ma, and there's our son Billy. Whenever we had chicken for dinner, we would all want a drumstick, so we'd have to kill two chickens. So we decided to try and breed a three-legged chicken so each of us could have a drumstick.' 'How do they taste?' said the farmer. 'Don't know,' replied the farmer. 'We haven't been able to catch one yet.' _E_P%A verbal contract isn't worth the paper it's written on. -- Samuel GoldwynnaA traveling salesman was driving past a farm when he saw a pig with three wooden legs executing a mR)... a thing called Ethics, whose nature was confusing but if you had it you were a High-Class Realtor and if you hadn't you were a shyster, a piker and a fly-by-night. These virtues awakened Confidence and enabled you to handle Bigger Propositions. But they didn't imply that you were to be impractical and refuse to take twice the value for a house if a buyer was such an idiot that he didn't force you down on the asking price. -- Sinclair Lewis, 'Babbitt'O#A rock store eventually closed down; they were taking too much for granite.8uA new supply of round tuits has arrived and are available from Mary. Anyone who has been putting off work until they got a round tuit now has no excuse for further procrastination.agnificent series of backflips and cartwheels. Intrigued, he drove up to the farmhouse, where he found an old farmer sitting in the yard watching the pig. 'That's quite a pig you have there, sir' said the salesman. 'Sure is, son,' the farmer replied. 'Why, two years ago, my daughter was swimming in the lake and bumped her head and damned near drowned, but that pig swam out and dragged her back to shore.' 'Amazing!' the salesman exlaimed. 'And that's not the only thing. Last fall I was cuttin' wood up on the north forty when a tree fell on me. Pinned me to the ground, it did. That pig run up and wiggled underneath that tree and lifted it off of me. Saved my life.' 'Fantastic! the salesman said. But tell me, how come the pig has three wooden legs?' The farmer stared at the newcomer in amazement. 'Mister, when you got an amazin' pig like that, you don't eat him all at once.' 88Z9According to all the latest reports, there was no truth in any of the earlier reports.According to a recent and unscientific national survey, smiling is something everyone should do at least 6 times a day. In an effort to increase the national average (the US ranks third among the world's superpowers in smiling), Xerox has instructed all personnel to be happy, effervescent, and most importantly, to smile. Xerox employees agree, and even feel strongly that they can not only meet but surpass the national average... except for Tubby Ackerman. But because Tubby does such a fine job of racing around parking lots with a large butterfly net retrieving floating IC chips, Xerox decided to give him a break. If you see Tubby in a parking lot he may have a sheepish grin. This is where the expression, 'Service with a slightly sheepish grin' comes from._CAbout the time we think we can make ends meet, somebody moves the ends. -- Herbert Hoover b LB% All I ask is a chance to prove that money can't make me happy.a$GAfter any salary raise, you will have less money at the end of the month than you did before.G#After all is said and done, a hell of a lot more is said than done.u"oAdvertising may be described as the science of arresting the human intelligence long enough to get money from it.T!-Advertising is the rattling of a stick inside a swill bucket. -- George Orwell ;Advertising is a valuable economic factor because it is the cheapest way of selling goods, particularly if the goods are worthless. -- Sinclair Lewis **S&+All the big corporations depreciate their possessions, and you can, too, provided you use them for business purposes. For example, if you subscribe to the Wall Street Journal, a business-related newspaper, you can deduct the cost of your house, because, in the words of U.S. Supreme Court Chief Justice Warren Burger in a landmark 1979 tax decision: 'Where else are you going to read the paper? Outside? What if it rains?' -- Dave Barry, 'Sweating Out Taxes' ll''All this big deal about white collar crime -- what's WRONG with white collar crime? Who enjoys his job today? You? Me? Anybody? The only satisfying part of any job is coffee break, lunch hour and quitting time. Years ago there was at least the hope of improvement -- eventual promotion -- more important jobs to come. Once you can be sold the myth that you may make president of the company you'll hardly ever steal stamps. But nobody believes he's going to be president anymore. The more people change jobs the more they realize that there is a direct connection between working for a living and total stupefying boredom. So why NOT take revenge? You're not going to find ME knocking a guy because he pads an expense account and his home stationery carries the company emblem. Take away crime from the white collar worker and you will rob him of his last vestige of job interest. -- J. Feiffer mw!m-,_An office party is not, as is sometimes supposed the Managing Director's chance to kiss the tea-girl. It is the tea-girl's chance to kiss the Managing Director (however bizarre an ambition this may seem to anyone who has seen the Managing Director face on). -- Katherine Whitehorn, 'Roundabout'O+#American business long ago gave up on demanding that prospective employees be honest and hardworking. It has even stopped hoping for employees who are educated enough that they can tell the difference between the men's room and the women's room without having little pictures on the doors. -- Dave Barry, 'Urine Trouble, Mister'0*gAmerica works less, when you say 'Union Yes!'T)-All warranty and guarantee clauses become null and void upon payment of invoice.(All this wheeling and dealing around, why, it isn't for money, it's for fun. Money's just the way we keep score. -- Henry Tyroon 8 x6=Been Transferred Lately?S5+Be sociable. Speak to the person next to you in the unemployment line tomorrow.o4cAt work, the authority of a person is inversely proportional to the number of pens that person is carrying.V31At these prices, I lose money -- but I make it up in volume. -- Peter G. Alaquon92y'At least they're ___________EXPERIENCED incompetents'+1[Anything labeled 'NEW' and/or 'IMPROVED' isn't. The label means the price went up. The label 'ALL NEW', 'COMPLETELY NEW', or 'GREAT NEW' means the price went way up..0cAnything free is worth what you pay for it.M/Anyone can make an omelet with eggs. The trick is to make one with none.E.Anyone can hold the helm when the sea is calm. -- Publius Syrus-Anyone can do any amount of work provided it isn't the work he is supposed to be doing at the moment. -- Robert Benchley ii7-... before I could come to any conclusion it occurred to me that my speech or my silence, indeed any action of mine, would be a mere futility. What did it matter what anyone knew or ignored? What did it matter who was manager? One gets sometimes such a flash of insight. The essentials of this affair lay deep under the surface, beyond my reach, and beyond my power of meddling. -- Joseph Conrad v*v%;QBody by Nautilus, Brain by Mattel.:)Biz is better.x9uBeware of all enterprises that require new clothes, and not rather a new wearer of clothes. -- Henry David ThoreauS8+Between 1950 and 1952, a bored weatherman, stationed north of Hudson Bay, left a monument that neither government nor time can eradicate. Using a bulldozer abandoned by the Air Force, he spent two years and great effort pushing boulders into a single word. It can be seen from 10,000 feet, silhouetted against the snow. Government officials exchanged memos full of circumlocutions (no Latin equivalent exists) but failed to word an appropriation bill for the destruction of this cairn, that wouldn't alert the press and embarrass both Parliament and Party. It stands today, a monument to human spirit. If life exists on other planets, this may be the first message received from us. -- The Realist, November, 1964. rY8r;@{But the greatest Electrical Pioneer of them all was Thomas Edison, who was a brilliant inventor despite the fact that he had little formal education and lived in New Jersey. Edison's firP?%'But don't you worry, its for a cause -- feeding global corporations' paws.'A>Business will be either better or worse. -- Calvin Coolidge =Business is a good game -- lots of competition and minimum of rules. You keep score with money. -- Nolan Bushnell, founder of Atari$<MBullwinkle: You just leave that to my pal. He's the brains of the outfit. General: What does that make YOU? Bullwinkle: What else? An executive. -- Jay Wardst major invention in 1877, was the phonograph, which could soon be found in thousands of American homes, where it basically sat until 1923, when the record was invented. But Edison's greatest achievement came in 1879, when he invented the electric company. Edison's design was a brilliant adaptation of the simple electrical circuit: the electric company sends electricity through a wire to a customer, then immediately gets the electricity back through another wire, then (this is the brilliant part) sends it right back to the customer again. This means that an electric company can sell a customer the same batch of electricity thousands of times a day and never get caught, since very few customers take the time to examine their electricity closely. In fact the last year any new electricity was generated in the United States was 1937; the electric companies have been merely re-selling it ever since, which is why they have so much free time to apply for rate increases. -- Dave Barry, 'What is Electricity?' iiA- By the middle 1880's, practically all the roads except those in the South, were of the present standard gauge. The southern roads were still five feet between rails. It was decided to change the gauge of all southern roads to standard, in one day. This remarkable piece of work was carried out on a Sunday in May of 1886. For weeks beforehand, shops had been busy pressing wheels in on the axles to the new and narrower gauge, to have a supply of rolling stock which could run on the new track as soon as it was ready. Finally, on the day set, great numbers of gangs of track layers went to work at dawn. Everywhere one rail was loosened, moved in three and one-half inches, and spiked down in its new position. By dark, trains from anywhere in the United States could operate over the tracks in the South, and a free interchange of freight cars everywhere was possible. -- Robert Henry, 'Trains', 1957 @F9Chairman of the Bored.nEaCarelessly planned projects take three times longer to complete than expected. Carefully planned projects take four times longer to complete than expected, mostly because the planners expect their planning to reduce the time it takes.LDCan anything be sadder than work left unfinished? Yes, work never begun.KCCan anyone remember when the times were not hard, and money not scarce?qBgBy working faithfully eight hours a day, you may eventually get to be boss and work twelve. -- Robert Frost ;;BG Column 1 Column 2 Column 3 0. integrated 0. management 0. options 1. total 1. organizational 1. flexibility 2. systematized 2. monitored 2. capability 3. parallel 3. reciprocal 3. mobility 4. functional 4. digital 4. programming 5. responsive 5. logistical 5. concept 6. optional 6. transitional 6. time-phase 7. synchronized 7. incremental 7. projection 8. compatible 8. third-generation 8. hardware 9. balanced 9. policy 9. contingency The procedure is simple. Think of any three-digit number, then select the corresponding buzzword from each column. For instance, number 257 produces 'systematized logistical projection,' a phrase that can be dropped into virtually any report with that ring of decisive, knowledgeable authority. 'No one will have the remotest idea of what you're talking about,' says Broughton, 'but the important thing is that they're not about to admit it.' -- Philip Broughton, 'How to Win at Wordsmanship' D#|D\O=Credit ... is the only enduring testimonial to man's confidence in man. -- James BlishaNGConsultants are mystical people who ask a company for a number and then give it back to them.M Consider the postage stamp: its usefulness consists in the ability to stick to one thing till it gets there. -- Josh BillingscLK'Consequences, Schmonsequences, as long as I'm rich.' -- 'Ali Baba Bunny' [1957, Chuck Jones] K... [concerning quotation marks] even if we *___did* quote anybody in this business, it probably would be gibberish. -- Thom McLeod$JMCompetitive fury is not always anger. It is the true missionary's courage and zeal in facing the possibility that one's best may not be enough. -- Gene ScottqIgCompetence, like truth, beauty, and contact lenses, is in the eye of the beholder. -- Dr. Laurence J. PeterhHUCommittees have become so important nowadays that subcommittees have to be appointed to do the work. 6lj61SgDear Mister Language Person: What is the purpose of the apostrophe? Answer: The apostrophe is used mainly in hand-lettered small business signs to alert the reader than an 'S' is coming up at the end of a word, as in: WE DO NOT EXCEPT PERSONAL CHECK'S, or: NOT RESPONSIBLE FOR ANY ITEM'S. Another important grammar concept to bear in mind when creating hand- lettered small-business signs is that you should put quotation marks around random words for decoration, as in 'TRY' OUR HOT DOG'S, or even TRY 'OUR' HOT DOG'S. -- Dave Barry, 'Tips for Writer's'jRYDear Lord: I just want *___one* one-armed manager so I never have to hear 'On the other hand', again.Q+Dealing with the problem of pure staff accumulation, all our researches ... point to an average increase of 5.75% per year. -- C.N. ParkinsonP'Dealing with failure is easy: Work hard to improve. Success is also easy to handle: You've solved the wrong problem. Work hard to improve. -O]=-c^KEver notice that even the busiest people are never too busy to tell you just how busy they are?m]_Ernest asks Frank how long he has been working for the company. 'Ever since they threatened to fire me.':\{Earn cash in your spare time -- blackmail your friends.[CDrilling for oil is boring.;Z}Dreams are free, but you get soaked on the connect time.ZY9'Don't tell me I'm burning the candle at both ends -- tell me where to get more wax!!'WX3Don't tell me how hard you work. Tell me how much you get done. -- James J. LingaWGDon't steal; thou'lt never thus compete successfully in business. Cheat. -- Ambrose BierceLVDon't be irreplaceable, if you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.0Ue 'Do you think what we're doing is wrong?' 'Of course it's wrong! It's illegal!' 'I've never done anything illegal before.' 'I thought you said you were an accountant!'KTDespite all appearances, your boss is a thinking, feeling, human being. Z} +ZgeSEvery young man should have a hobby: learning how to handle money is the best one. -- Jack HurleyfdQEvery successful person has had failures but repeated failure is no guarantee of eventual success.c-'Every morning, I get up and look through the 'Forbes' list of the richest people in America. If I'm not there, I go to work' -- Robert OrbenHbEvery morning in Africa, a gazelle wakes up. It knows it must run faster than the fastest lion or it will be killed. Every morning a lion wakes up. It knows it must outrun the slowest gazelle or it will starve to death. It doesn't matter whether you are a lion or a gazelle: when the sun comes up, you'd better be running.naaEvery man thinks God is on his side. The rich and powerful know that he is. -- Jean Anouilh, 'The Lark'-`a'Every man has his price. Mine is $3.95.'R_)Every cloud has a silver lining; you should have sold it, and bought titanium. LgEverybody likes a kidder, but nobody lends him money. -- Arthur Millerf1Everybody but Sam had signed up for a new company pension plan that called for a small employee contribution. The company was paying all the rest. Unfortunately, 100% employee participation was needed; otherwise the plan was off. Sam's boss and his fellow workers pleaded and cajoled, but to no avail. Sam said the plan would never pay off. Finally the company president called Sam into his office. 'Sam,' he said, 'here's a copy of the new pension plan and here's a pen. I want you to sign the papers. I'm sorry, but if you don't sign, you're fired. As of right now.' Sam signed the papers immediately. 'Now,' said the president, 'would you mind telling me why you couldn't have signed earlier?' 'Well, sir,' replied Sam, 'nobody explained it to me quite so clearly before.' n!nhkUExecutive ability is deciding quickly and getting somebody else to do the work. -- John G. Pollardj Excerpt from a conversation between a customer support person and a customer working for a well-known military-affiliated research lab: Support: 'You're not our only customer, you know.' Customer: 'But we're one of the few with tactical nuclear weapons.'@iExceptions prove the rule, and wreck the budget. -- Miller\h=Everyone who comes in here wants three things: (1) They want it quick. (2) They want it good. (3) They want it cheap. I tell 'em to pick two and call me back. -- sign on the back wall of a small printing company pO3omFear is the greatest salesman. -- Robert KleinnEFast, cheap, good: pick two.HmFailure is more frequently from want of energy than want of capital.Cl Exxon's 'Universe of Energy' tends to the peculiar rather than the humorous ... After [an incomprehensible film montage about wind and sun and rain and strip mines and] two or three minutes of mechanical confusion, the seats locomote through a short tunnel filled with clock-work dinosaurs. The dinosaurs are depicted without accuracy and too close to your face. 'One of the few real novelties at Epcot is the use of smell to aggravate illusions. Of course, no one knows what dinosaurs smelled like, but Exxon has decided they smelled bad. 'At the other end of Dino Ditch ... there's a final, very addled message about facing challengehood tomorrow-wise. I dozed off during this, but the import seems to be that dinosaurs don't have anything to do with energy policy and neither do you.' -- P.J. O'Rourke, 'Holidays in Hell' bS&]b%zQHappiness is a positive cash flow.KyGood salesmen and good repairmen will never go hungry. -- R.E. Schenk*x[Good day to avoid cops. Crawl to work.Yw7God helps them that help themselves. -- Benjamin Franklin, 'Poor Richard's Almanac'AvGod help those who do not help themselves. -- Wilson Mizneru 'Given the choice between accomplishing something and just lying around, I'd rather lie around. No contest.' -- Eric Clapton~tGetting the job done is no excuse for not following the rules. Corollary: Following the rules will not get the job done.FsGenius is ten percent inspiration and fifty percent capital gains.crKGenius is one percent inspiration and ninety-nine percent perspiration. -- Thomas Alva EdisonbqIFor every bloke who makes his mark, there's half a dozen waiting to rub it out. -- Andy CappGpFeel disillusioned? I've got some great new illusions, right here! VNyV GHire the morally handicapped.wsHideously disfigured by an ancient Indian curse? WE CAN HELP! Call (511) 338-0959 for an immediate appointment. E 'Hey, Sam, how about a loan?' 'Whattaya need?' 'Oh, about $500.' 'Whattaya got for collateral?' 'Whattaya need?' 'How about an eye?' -- Sam Giancanauo'Here at the Phone Company, we serve all kinds of people; from Presidents and Kings to the scum of the earth ...'<He who steps on others to reach the top has good balance.5qHe who is content with his lot probably has a lot.A~He who has but four and spends five has no need for a wallet.J}He has not acquired a fortune; the fortune has acquired him. -- Bion|3Have you ever noticed that the people who are always trying to tell you `there's a time for work and a time for play' never find the time for play?P{%Hard work never killed anybody, but why take a chance? -- Charlie McCarthyenience of being able to shop for lumber, hardware, and toasters all in one location. Notice I say 'shop for,' as opposed to 'obtain.' This is the major drawback of home centers: they are always out of everything except artificial Christmas trees. The home center employees have no time to reorder merchandise because they are too busy applying little price stickers to every object -- every board, washer, nail and screw -- in the entire store ... Let's say a piece in your toilet tank breaks, so you remove the broken part, take it to the home center, and ask an employee if he has a replacement. The employee, who has never is his life even seen the inside of a toilet tank, will peer at the broken part in very much the same way that a member of a primitive Amazon jungle tribe would look at an electronic calculator, and then say, 'We're expecting a shipment of these sometime around the middle of next week.' -- Dave Barry, 'The Taming of the Screw' IBl*IJ Human resources are human first, and resources second. -- J. Garbers3 m 'How many people work here?' 'Oh, about half.'[ ;How come financial advisors never seem to be as wealthy as they claim they'll make you?? How come everyone's going so slow if it's called rush hour?vqHotels are tired of getting ripped off. I checked into a hotel and they had towels from my house. -- Mark GuidoZ9Honesty pays, but it doesn't seem to pay enough to suit some people. -- F.M. HubbardLHonesty is for the most part less profitable than dishonesty. -- Plato)W Home centers are designed for the do-it-yourselfer who's willing to pay higher prices for the conv Ol*OI consider a new device or technology to have been culturally accepted when it has been used to commit a murder. -- M. GallaherO#I cannot draw a cart, nor eat dried oats; If it be man's work I will do it.+[I BET WHAT HAPPENED was they discovered fire and invented the wheel on the same day. Then that night, they burned the wheel. -- Jack Handley, The New Mexican, 1988.#I attribute my success to intelligence, guts, determination, honesty, ambition, and having enough money to buy people with those qualities.FI am more bored than you could ever possibly be. Go back to work.G 'I am convinced that the manufacturers of carpet odor removing powder have included encapsulated time released cat urine in their products. This technology must be what prevented its distribution during my mom's reign. My carpet smells like piss, and I don't have a cat. Better go buy some more.' -- timw@zeb.USWest.COM 4)4T-I go on working for the same reason a hen goes on laying eggs. -- H.L. Mencken= I for one cannot protest the recent M.T.A. fare hike and the accompanying promises that this would in no way improve service. For the transit system, as it now operates, has hidden advantages that can't be measured in monetary terms. Personally, I feel that it is well worth 75 cents or even $1 to have that unimpeachable excuse whenever I am late to anything: 'I came by subway.' Those four words have such magic in them that if Godot should someday show up and mumble them, any audience would instantly understand his long delay.{{I don't want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve immortality through not dying. -- Woody Allen I don't have any use for bodyguards, but I do have a specific use for two highly trained certified public accountants. -- Elvis PresleyC I don't do it for the money. -- Donald Trump, Art of the Deal 4Rs4qgI was in this prematurely air conditioned supermarket and there were all these aisles and there were these bathing caps you could buy that had these kind of Fourth of July plumes on them that were red and yellow and blue and I wasn't tempted to buy one but I was reminded of the fact that I had been avoiding the beach. -- Lucinda Childs 'Einstein On The Beach'-aI owe the public nothing. -- J.P. Morgan1I never cheated an honest man, only rascals. They wanted something for nothing. I gave them nothing for something. -- Joseph 'Yellow Kid' WeilFI like work; it fascinates me; I can sit and look at it for hours.II just need enough to tide me over until I need more. -- Bill HoestGI just asked myself... what would John DeLorean do? -- Raoul DukeR)I have ways of making money that you know nothing of. -- John D. RockefellerV1I have the simplest tastes. I am always satisfied with the best. -- Oscar Wilde )T$-I've got all the money I'll ever need if I die by 4 o'clock. -- Henny Youngmanh#UI'm always looking for a new idea that will be more productive than its cost. -- David RockefellerJ"I'd rather just believe that it's done by little elves running around.4!oI'd rather be led to hell than managed to heavan.d MI was part of that strange race of people aptly described as spending their lives doing things they detest to make money they don't want to buy things they don't need to impress people they dislike. -- Emile Henry Gauvreay NiNQ*'If bankers can count, how come they have eight windows and only four tellers?+)]If all else fails, lower your standards.H(If a thing's worth having, it's worth cheating for. -- W.C. FieldsK'If a thing's worth doing, it is worth doing badly. -- G.K. Chesterton&3If a subordinate asks you a pertinent question, look at him as if he had lost his senses. When he looks down, paraphrase the question back at him.x%uI: The best way to make a silk purse from a sow's ear is to begin with a silk sow. The same is true of money. II: If today were half as good as tomorrow is supposed to be, it would probably be twice as good as yesterday was. III: There are no lazy veteran lion hunters. IV: If you can afford to advertise, you don't need to. V: One-tenth of the participants produce over one-third of the output. Increasing the number of participants merely reduces the average output. -- Norman Augustine 7QwAp2eIf we could sell our experiences for what they cost us, we would all be millionaires. -- Abigail Van BurenF1If money can't buy happiness, I guess you'll just have to rent it.30mIf it's worth doing, it's worth doing for money. /If I were a grave-digger or even a hangman, there are some people I could work for with a great deal of enjoyment. -- Douglas JerroldH.If I want your opinion, I'll ask you to fill out the necessary form. -IF I HAD A MINE SHAFT, I don't think I would just abandon it. There's got to be a better way. -- Jack Handley, The New Mexican, 1988.S,+If God had not given us sticky tape, it would have been necessary to invent it.E+If ever the pleasure of one has to be bought by the pain of the other, there better be no trade. A trade by which one gains and the other loses is a fraud. -- Dagny Taggart, 'Atlas Shrugged' FrP'FM<If you didn't have to work so hard, you'd have more time to be depressed.D; If you can't learn to do it well, learn to enjoy doing it badly.G:If you can't get your work done in the first 24 hours, work nights.U9/If you can count your money, you don't have a billion dollars. -- J. Paul GettyQ8'If you aren't rich you should always look useful. -- Louis-Ferdinand Celinez7yIf you are shooting under 80 you are neglecting your business; over 80 you are neglecting your golf. -- Walter HagenZ69If you are over 80 years old and accompanied by your parents, we will cash your check.f5QIf you are good, you will be assigned all the work. If you are real good, you will get out of it.Y47If you always postpone pleasure you will never have it. Quit work and play for once! 3If what they've been doing hasn't solved the problem, tell them to do something else. -- Gerald Weinberg, 'The Secrets of Consulting' ZT,]0ZkF[If you want to know what god thinks of money, just look at the people he gave it to. -- Dorthy ParkereEOIf you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments. -- Earl Wilson*D[If you suspect a man, don't employ him.C-If you sell diamonds, you cannot expect to have many customers. But a diamond is a diamond even if there are no customers. -- Swami PrabhupadaB3If you hype something and it succeeds, you're a genius -- it wasn't a hype. If you hype it and it fails, then it was just a hype. -- Neil Bogart:A{If you have to ask how much it is, you can't afford it.\@=If you had better tools, you could more effectively demonstrate your total incompetence.%?QIf you fail to plan, plan to fail.^>AIf you don't have time to do it right, where are you going to find the time to do it over?H=If you do something right once, someone will ask you to do it again. g[yLwIn a consumer society there are inevitably two kinds of slaves: the prisoners of addiction and the prisoners of envy.zKyIn 1914, the first crossword puzzle was printed in a newspaper. The creator received $4000 down ... and $3000 across.J=Important letters which contain no errors will develop errors in the mail. Corresponding errors will show up in the duplicate while the Boss is reading it. Vital papers will demonstrate their vitality by spontaneously moving from where you left them to where you can't find them.I If you're like most homeowners, you're afraid that many repairs around your home are too difficultRH)If you would know the value of money, go try to borrow some. -- Ben FranklinAGIf you want to put yourself on the map, publish your own map. to tackle. So, when your furnace explodes, you call in a so-called professional to fix it. The 'professional' arrives in a truck with lettering on the sides and deposits a large quantity of tools and two assistants who spend the better part of the week in your basement whacking objects at random with heavy wrenches, after which the 'professional' returns and gives you a bill for slightly more money than it would cost you to run a successful campaign for the U.S. Senate. And that's why you've decided to start doing things yourself. You figure, 'If those guys can fix my furnace, then so can I. How difficult can it be?' Very difficult. In fact, most home projects are impossible, which is why you should do them yourself. There is no point in paying other people to screw things up when you can easily screw them up yourself for far less money. This article can help you. -- Dave Barry, 'The Taming of the Screw' 5h r59RwIn the middle of a wide field is a pot of gold. 100 feet to the north stands a smart manager. 100 feet to the south stands a dumb manager. 100 feet to the east is the Easter Bunny, and 100 feet to the west is Santa Claus. Q: Who gets to the pot of gold first? A: The dumb manager. All the rest are myths.BQ In order to get a loan you must first prove you don't need it.QP'In every hierarchy the cream rises until it sours. -- Dr. Laurence J. PeterZO9In case of injury notify your superior immediately. He'll kiss it and make it better.KNIn case of atomic attack, all work rules will be temporarily suspended.FMIn a hierarchy every employee tends to rise to his level of incompetence ... in time every post tends to be occupied by an employee who is incompetent to carry out its duties ... Work is accomplished by those employees who have not yet reached their level of incompetence. -- Dr. Laurence J. Peter, 'The Peter Principle' EGS4\oIt is much harder to find a job than to keep one.n[aIt is impossible to enjoy idling thoroughly unless one has plenty of work to do. -- Jerome Klapka Jerome5ZoIt is imperative when flying coach that you restrain any tendency toward the vividly imaginative. For although it may momentarily appear to be the case, it is not at all likely that the cabin is entirely inhabited by crying babies smoking inexpensive domestic cigars. -- Fran Lebowitz, 'Social Studies'GYIt is difficult to soar with the eagles when you work with turkeys.W^W>FwMake headway at work. Continue to let things deteriorate at home.IvLuck, that's when preparation and opportunity meet. -- P.E. TrudeauuLove may laugh at locksmiths, but he has a profound respect for money bags. -- Sidney Paternoster, 'The Folly of the Wise'ItLots of folks confuse bad management with destiny. -- Frank Hubbard7ssLook, we trade every day out there with hustlers, deal-makers, shysters, con-men. That's the way businesses get started. That's the way this country was built. -- Hubert Allen rLonesome? Like a change? Like a new job? Like excitement? Like to meet new and interesting people? JUST SCREW-UP ONE MORE TIME!!!!!!!gqSLoan-department manager: 'There isn't any fine print. At these interest rates, we don't need it.'JpLo! Men have become the tool of their tools. -- Henry David ThoreauYo7Living on Earth may be expensive, but it includes an annual free trip around the Sun. .9`*i.bIMen of lofty genius when they are doing the least work are most active. -- Leonardo da Vinci)YMcDonald's -- Because you're worth it.N!Maybe you can't buy happiness, but these days you can certainly charge it.V1Maternity pay? Now every Tom, Dick and Harry will get pregnant. -- Malcolm SmithE~Mater artium necessitas. [Necessity is the mother of invention].A}Many people write memos to tell you they have nothing to say.2|kMany people are unenthusiastic about your work.3{mMany people are unenthusiastic about their work.MzManagement: How many feet do mice have? Reply: Mice have four feet. M: Elaborate! R: Mice have five appendages, and four of them are feet. M: No discussion of fifth appendage! R: Mice have five appendagesGyMan must shape his tools lest they shape him. -- Arthur R. MillerzxyMan is an animal that makes bargains: no other animal does this-- no dog exchanges bones with another. -- Adam Smith; four of them are feet; one is a tail. M: What? Feet with no legs? R: Mice have four legs, four feet, and one tail per unit-mouse. M: Confusing -- is that a total of 9 appendages? R: Mice have four leg-foot assemblies and one tail assembly per body. M: Does not fully discuss the issue! R: Each mouse comes equipped with four legs and a tail. Each leg is equipped with a foot at the end opposite the body; the tail is not equipped with a foot. M: Descriptive? Yes. Forceful NO! R: Allotment of appendages for mice will be: Four foot-leg assemblies, one tail. Deviation from this policy is not permitted as it would constitute misapportionment of scarce appendage assets. M: Too authoritarian; stifles creativity! R: Mice have four feet; each foot is attached to a small leg joined integrally with the overall mouse structural sub-system. Also attached to the mouse sub-system is a thin tail, non-functional and ornamental in nature. M: Too verbose/scientific. Answer the question! R: Mice have four feet. e,^X%e# MMoney is the root of all wealth.6 sMoney is the root of all evil, and man needs roots. =Money is its own reward.@ Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons.0 gMoney doesn't talk, it swears. -- Bob Dylan.cMoney cannot buy love, nor even friendship.\=Money can't buy love, but it improves your bargaining position. -- Christopher MarloweskMoney can't buy happiness, but it can make you awfully comfortable while you're being miserable. -- C.B. LuceJMental power tended to corrupt, and absolute intelligence tended to corrupt absolutely, until the victim eschewed violence entirely in favor of smart solutions to stupid problems. -- Piers Anthony?Men's skin is different from women's skin. It is usually bigger, and it has more snakes tattooed obIMen take only their needs into consideration -- never their abilities. -- Napoleon Bonaparten it. Also, if you examine a woman's skin very closely, inch by inch, starting at her shapely ankles, then gently tracing the slender curve of her calves, then moving up to her ... [EDITOR'S NOTE: To make room for news articles about important world events such as agriculture, we're going to delete the next few square feet of the woman's skin. Thank you.] ... until finally the two of you are lying there, spent, smoking your cigarettes, and suddenly it hits you: Human skin is actually made up of billions of tiny units of protoplasm, called 'cells'! And what is even more interesting, the ones on the outside are all dying! This is a fact. Your skin is like an aggressive modern corporation, where the older veteran cells, who have finally worked their way to the top and obtained offices with nice views, are constantly being shoved out the window head first, without so much as a pension plan, by younger hotshot cells moving up from below. -- Dave Barry, 'Saving Face' |;s c!|!GMy problem lies in reconciling my gross habits with my net income. -- Errol Flynn Any man who has $10,000 left when he dies is a failure. -- Errol Flynn?My idea of roughing it turning the air conditioner too low.7uMy idea of roughing it is when room service is late.jYMundus vult decipi decipiatur ergo. -- Xaviera Hollander [The world wants to be cheated, so cheat.]fQMost people will listen to your unreasonable demands, if you'll consider their unacceptable offer.9yMoneyliness is next to Godliness. -- Andries van DamP%Money will say more in one moment than the most eloquent lover can in years.6sMoney may buy friendship but money cannot buy love.eOMoney isn't everything -- but it's a long way ahead of what comes next. -- Sir Edmond StockdaleZ9Money is truthful. If a man speaks of his honor, make him pay cash. -- Lazarus Long 2\% k;2V!1Never let someone who says it cannot be done interrupt the person who is doing it.T -Never keep up with the Joneses. Drag them down to your level. -- Quentin CrispV1Never invest your money in anything that eats or needs repainting. -- Billy Rose-aNever call a man a fool. Borrow from him.eONever buy what you do not want because it is cheap; it will be dear to you. -- Thomas Jefferson3mNever buy from a rich salesman. -- Goldenstern Never ask two questions in a business letter. The reply will discuss the one you are least interested, and say nothing about the other.Never appeal to a man's 'better nature.' He may not have one. Invoking his self-interest gives you more leverage. -- Lazarus Long4oNeckties strangle clear thinking. -- Lin Yutang E'Necessity is the mother of invention' is a silly proverb. 'Necessity is the mother of futile dodges' is much nearer the truth. -- Alfred North Whitehead oox%uNever try to teach a pig to sing. It wastes your time and annoys the pig. -- Lazarus Long, 'Time Enough for Love'2$kNever trust anyone who says money is no object.#!Never tell people how to do things. Tell them WHAT to do and they will surprise you with their ingenuity. -- Gen. George S. Patton, Jr.L"Never say you know a man until you have divided an inheritance with him. 'Nitwit ideas are for emergencies. You use them when you've got nothing else to try. If they work, they go in the Book. Otherwise you follow the Book, which is largely a collection of nitwit ideas that worked. -- Larry Niven, 'The Mote in God's Eye'^&A NEW YORK-- Kraft Foods, Inc. announced today that its board of directors unanimously rejected the $11 billion takeover bid by Philip Morris and Co. A Kraft spokesman stated in a press conference that the offer was rejected because the $90-per-share bid did not reflect the true value of the company. Wall Street insiders, however, tell quite a different story. Apparently, the Kraft board of directors had all but signed the takeover agreement when they learned of Philip Morris' marketing plans for one of their major Middle East subsidiaries. To a person, the board voted to reject the bid when they discovered that the tobacco giant intended to reorganize Israeli Cheddar, Ltd., and name the new company Cheeses of Nazareth. -y!./cNo spitting on the Bus! Thank you, The Mgt.'.UNo skis take rocks like rental skis!7-uNo problem is so large it can't be fit in somewhere.U,/No problem is so formidable that you can't just walk away from it. -- C. Schulz<+No problem is insoluble in all conceivable circumstances."*KNo one gets sick on Wednesdays.M)'No job too big; no fee too big!' -- Dr. Peter Venkman, 'Ghost-busters'O(#No committee could ever come up with anything as revolutionary as a camel -- anything as practical and as perfectly designed to perform effectively under such difficult conditions. -- Laurence J. Peter Lf0L3 Nothing is more admirable than the fortitude with which millionaires tolerate the disadvantages of their wealth. -- Nero WolfeY27Nothing is impossible for the man who doesn't have to do it himself. -- A.H. Weiler31mNothing is finished until the paperwork is done.01None of our men are 'experts.' We have most unfortunately found it necessary to get rid of a man as soon as he thinks himself an expert -- because no one ever considers himself expert if he really knows his job. A man who knows a job sees so much more to be done than he has done, that he is always pressing forward and never gives up an instant of thought to how good and how efficient he is. Thinking always ahead, thinking always of trying to do more, brings a state of mind in which nothing is impossible. The moment one gets into the 'expert' state of mind a great number of things become impossible. -- From Henry Ford Sr., 'My Life and Work' Uh0u#KU<>Of course there's no reason for it, it's just our policy.3=kOf all possible committee reactions to any given agenda item, the reaction that will occur is the one which will liberate the greatest amount of hot air. -- Thomas L. Martin < Now, you might ask, 'How do I get one of those complete home tool sets for under $4?' An excellentf;QNothing will ever be attempted if all possible objections must be first overcome. -- Dr. JohnsonO:#Nothing will dispel enthusiasm like a small admission fee. -- Kim HubbardK9Nothing succeeds like the appearance of success. -- Christopher Lascl68sNothing succeeds like success. -- Alexandre Dumas17iNothing succeeds like excess. -- Oscar Wilde56qNothing recedes like success. -- Walter WinchellR5)Nothing motivates a man more than to see his boss put in an honest day's work.@4Nothing makes a person more productive than the last minute. question. Go to one of those really cheap discount stores where they sell plastic furniture in colors visible from the planet Neptune and where they have a food section specializing in cardboard cartons full of Raisinets and malted milk balls manufactured during the Nixon administration. In either the hardware or housewares department, you'll find an item imported from an obscure Oriental country and described as 'Nine Tools in One', consisting of a little handle with interchangeable ends representing inscrutable Oriental notions of tools that Americans might use around the home. Buy it. This is the kind of tool set professionals use. Not only is it inexpensive, but it also has a great safety feature not found in the so-called quality tools sets: The handle will actually break right off if you accidentally hit yourself or anything else, or expose it to direct sunlight. -- Dave Barry, 'The Taming of the Screw' = 4BmOne man's brain plus one other will produce one half as many ideas as one man would have produced alone. These two plus two more will produce half again as many ideas. These four plus four more begin to represent a creative meeting, and the ratio changes to one quarter as many ... -- Anthony Chevins-AaOne good suit is worth a thousand resumes.H@ One fine day, the bus driver went to the bus garage, started his bus, and drove off along the route. No problems for the first few stops -- a few people got on, a few got off, and things went generally well. At the next stop, however, a big hulk of a guy got on. Six feet eight, built like a wrestler, arms hanging down to tl?]Once it hits the fan, the only rational choice is to sweep it up, package it, and sell it as fertilizer.he ground. He glared at the driver and said, 'Big John doesn't pay!' and sat down at the back. Did I mention that the driver was five feet three, thin, and basically meek? Well, he was. Naturally, he didn't argue with Big John, but he wasn't happy about it. Well, the next day the same thing happened -- Big John got on again, made a show of refusing to pay, and sat down. And the next day, and the one after that, and so forth. This grated on the bus driver, who started losing sleep over the way Big John was taking advantage of him. Finally he could stand it no longer. He signed up for bodybuilding courses, karate, judo, and all that good stuff. By the end of the summer, he had become quite strong; what's more, he felt really good about himself. So on the next Monday, when Big John once again got on the bus and said 'Big John doesn't pay!,' the driver stood up, glared back at the passenger, and screamed, 'And why not?' With a surprised look on his face, Big John replied, 'Big John has a bus pass.' .ZAGOnly through hard work and perseverance can one truly suffer.SF+One way to make your old car run better is to look up the price of a new model.rEiOne promising concept that I came up with right away was that you could manufacture personal air bags, then get a uDoOne possible reason that things aren't going according to plan is that there never was a plan in the first place.VC1One of your most ancient writers, a historian named Herodotus, tells of a thief who was to be executed. As he was taken away he made a bargain with the king: in one year he would teach the king's favorite horse to sing hymns. The other prisoners watched the thief singing to the horse and laughed. 'You will not succeed,' they told him. 'No one can.' To which the thief replied, 'I have a year, and who knows what might happen in that time. The king might die. The horse might die. I might die. And perhaps the horse will learn to sing. -- 'The Mote in God's Eye', Niven and Pournellelaw passed requiring that they be installed on congressmen to keep them from taking trips. Let's say your congressman was trying to travel to Paris to do a fact-finding study on how the French government handles diseases transmitted by sherbet. Just when he got to the plane, his mandatory air bag, strapped around his waist, would inflate -- FWWAAAAAAPPPP -- thus rendering him too large to fit through the plane door. It could also be rigged to inflate whenever the congressman proposed a law. ('Mr. Speaker, people ask me, why should October be designated as Cuticle Inspection Month? And I answer that FWWAAAAAAPPPP.') This would save millions of dollars, so I have no doubt that the public would violently support a law requiring airbags on congressmen. The problem is that your potential market is very small: there are only around 500 members of Congress, and some of them, such as House Speaker 'Tip' O'Neil, are already too large to fit on normal aircraft. -- Dave Barry, ''Mister Mediocre' Restaurants' a?Dda:P{People are always available for work in the past tense.+O]Owe no man any thing... -- Romans 13:8,N_Overdrawn? But I still have checks left!fMQOur policy is, when in doubt, do the right thing. -- Roy L. Ash, ex-president, Litton IndustrieskL[Our country has plenty of good five-cent cigars, but the trouble is they charge fifteen cents for them.oKcOur business in life is not to succeed but to continue to fail in high spirits. -- Robert Louis StevensonwJsOr you or I must yield up his life to Ahrimanes. I would rather it were you. I should have no hesitation in sacrificing my own life to spare yours, but we take stock next week, and it would not be fair on the company. -- J. Wellington WellsaIGOptimism is the content of small men in high places. -- F. Scott Fitzgerald, 'The Crack Up'ZH9Opportunities are usually disguised as hard work, so most people don't recognize them. qTgPlease try to limit the amount of 'this room doesn't have any bazingas' until you are told that those rooms are 'punched out.' Once punched out, we have a right to complain about atrocities, missing bazingas, and such. -- N. MeyrowitzESPlease keep your hands off the secretary's reproducing equipment.5RqPeople will buy anything that's one to a customer.`QEPeople seem to think that the blanket phrase, 'I only work here,' absolves them utterly from any moral obligation in terms of the public -- but this was precisely Eichmann's excuse for his job in the concentration camps. zzQW'Possessions increase to fill the space available for their storage. -- Ryan?VPorsche: there simply is no substitute. -- Risky BusinesslU] Plumbing is one of the easier of do-it-yourself activities, requiring only a few simple tools and a willingness to stick your arm into a clogged toilet. In fact, you can solve many home plumbing problems, such as annoying faucet drip, merely by turning up the radio. But before we get into specific techniques, let's look at how plumbing works. A plumbing system is very much like your electrical system, except that instead of electricity, it has water, and instead of wires, it has pipes, and instead of radios and waffle irons, it has faucets and toilets. So the truth is that your plumbing systems is nothing at all like your electrical system, which is good, because electricity can kill you. -- Dave Barry, 'The Taming of the Screw' pS}5Kp1biRecent investments will yield a slight profit.#aKReceiving a million dollars tax free will make you feel better than being flat broke and having a stomach ache. -- Dolph Sharp, 'I'm O.K., You're Not So Hot'<`Real wealth can only increase. -- R. Buckminster FullerJ_Quantity is no substitute for quality, but its the only one we've got.[^;Put your Nose to the Grindstone! -- Amalgamated Plastic Surgeons and Toolmakers, Ltd.E]Put your best foot forward. Or just call in and say you're sick.<\Put not your trust in money, but put your money in trust.Q['Promptness is its own reward, if one lives by the clock instead of the sword.@ZPromising costs nothing, it's the delivering that kills you.5YqPromise her anything, but give her Exxon unleaded.rXiPractical people would be more practical if they would take a little more time for dreaming. -- J. P. McEvoy rI}kSave a little money each month and at the end of the year you'll be surprised at how little you have. -- Ernest Haskinsj/Rule #7: Silence is not acquiescence. Contrary to what you may have heard, silence of those present is not necessarily consent, even the reluctant variety. They simply may sit in stunned silence and figure ways of sabotaging the plan after they regain their composure.2ikRiches cover a multitude of woes. -- Menander^hARetirement means that when someone says 'Have a nice day', you actually have a shot at it.AgRemember, even if you win the rat race -- you're still a rat.-faRemember to say hello to your bank teller.:e{Remember -- only 10% of anything can be in the top 10%.udoRegardless of whether a mission expands or contracts, administrative overhead continues to grow at a steady rate. cRecent research has tended to show that the Abominable No-Man is being replaced by the Prohibitive Procrastinator. -- C.N. Parkinson vv8nu 'Seven years and six months!' Humpty Dumpty repeated thoughtfully. 'An uncomfortable sort of age. Now if you'd asked MY advice, I'd have said 'Leave off at seven' -- but it's too late now.' 'I never ask advice about growing,' Alice said indignantly. 'Too proud?' the other enquired. Alice felt even more indignant at this suggestion. 'I mean,' she said, 'that one can't help growing older.' 'ONE can't, perhaps,' said Humpty Dumpty; 'but TWO can. With proper assistance, you might have left off at seven.' -- Lewis Carroll, 'Through the Looking-Glass'0mgServing coffee on aircraft causes turbulence.l7Sears has everything. K)`,KeuOSome people manage by the book, even though they don't know who wrote the book or even what book.vtqSome people have a great ambition: to build something that will last, at least until they've finished building it.1siSome people carve careers, others chisel them.Qr'So... did you ever wonder, do garbagemen take showers before they go to work?rqiSo you think that money is the root of all evil. Have you ever asked what is the root of money? -- Ayn Rand`pEShow me a man who is a good loser and I'll show you a man who is playing golf with his boss.poeSeveral years ago, some smart businessmen had an idea: Why not build a big store where a do-it-yourselfer could get everything he needed at reasonable prices? Then they decided, nah, the hell with that, let's build a home center. And before long home centers were springing up like crabgrass all over the United States. -- Dave Barry, 'The Taming of the Screw' (~k*Q(&SSurprise due today. Also the rent.HSupport your local church or synagogue. Worship at Bank of America.>Suggest you just sit there and wait till life gets easier.J~Success is something I will dress for when I get there, and not until.p}eSuburbia is where the developer bulldozes out the trees, then names the streets after them. -- Bill Vaughn-|aSomeone is unenthusiastic about your work.,{_Someday your prints will come. -- Kodaklz]Someday somebody has got to decide whether the typewriter is the machine, or the person who operates it.ryiSomebody ought to cross ball point pens with coat hangers so that the pens will multiply instead of disappear.x9Some people say a front-engine car handles best. Some people say a rear-engine car handles best. I say a rented car handles best. -- P.J. O'Rourke@wSome people pray for more than they are willing to work for."The decision doesn't have to be logical; it was unanimous.K!The cost of living is going up, and the chance of living is going down.5 qThe cost of living hasn't affected its popularity.3mThe cost of feathers has risen, even down is up!naThe confusion of a staff member is measured by the length of his memos. -- New York Times, Jan. 20, 1981vqThe closest to perfection a person ever comes is when he fills out a job application form. -- Stanley J. Randalls. 'My predecessor did this for me, and I'll pass the tradition along to you,' he said. 'At the first sign of trouble, open the first envelope. Any further difficulties, open the second envelope. Then, if problems continue, open the third envelope. Good luck.' The new manager returned to his office and tossed the envelopes into a drawer. Six months later, costs soared and earnings plummeted. Shaken, the young man opened the first envelope, which said, 'Blame it all on me.' The next day, he held a press conference and did just that. The crisis passed. Six months later, sales dropped precipitously. The beleagured manager opened the second envelope. It said, 'Reorganize.' He held another press conference, announcing that the division would be restructured. The crisis passed. A year later, everything went wrong at once and the manager was blamed for all of it. The harried executive closed his office door, sank into his chair, and opened the third envelope. 'Prepare three envelopes...' it said. Qw|BUQJ1The flush toilet is the basis of Western civilization. -- Alan CoultV01The first rule of intelligent tinkering is to save all the parts. -- Paul Erlich[/;The first Rotarian was the first man to call John the Baptist 'Jack.' -- H.L. Mencken. The first myth of management is that it exists. The second myth of management is that success equals skill. -- Robert Hellerc-KThe first 90% of a project takes 90% of the time, the last 10% takes the other 90% of the time.7,uThe finest eloquence is that which gets things done.:+{The faster I go, the behinder I get. -- Lewis Carroll:*yThe error of youth is to believe that intelligence is a substitute for experience, while the error of age is to believe experience is a substitute for intelligence. -- Lyman Bryson')UThe end of labor is to gain leisure.\(=The easiest way to figure the cost of living is to take your income and add ten percent. TeT(5UThe hieroglyphics are all unreadable except for a notation on the back, which reads 'Genuine authentic Egyptian papyrus. Guaranteed to be at least 5000 years old.'b4IThe hardest part of climbing the ladder of success is getting through the crowd at the bottom.L3The greatest productive force is human selfishness. -- Robert HeinleinI2The gent who wakes up and finds himself a success hasn't been asleep. a78uThe idle man does not know what it is to enjoy rest.7;The ideal voice for radio may be defined as showing no substance, no sex, no owner, and a message of importance for every housewife. -- Harry V. Wade6;The idea there was that consumers would bring their broken electronic devices, such as television sets and VCR's, to the destruction centers, where trained personnel would whack them (the devices) with sledgehammers. With their devices thus permanently destroyed, consumers would then be free to go out and buy new devices, rather than have to fritter away years of their lives trying to have the old ones repaired at so-called 'factory service centers,' which in fact consist of two men named Lester poking at the insides of broken electronic devices with cheap cigars and going, 'Lookit all them WIRES in there!' -- Dave Barry, ''Mister Mediocre' Restaurants' H":Hn<aThe King and his advisor are overlooking the battle field: King: 'How goes the battle plan?' Advisor: 'See those little black specks running to the right?' K: 'Yes.' A: 'Those are their guys. And all those little red specks running to the left are our guys. Then when they collide we wait till the dust clears.' K: 'And?' A: 'If there are more red specks left than black specks, we win.' K: 'But what about the ^#!!$% battle plan?' A: 'So far, it seems to be going according to specks.'o;cThe IQ of the group is the lowest IQ of a member of the group divided by the number of people in the group.s:kThe intelligence of any discussion diminishes with the square of the number of participants. -- Adam WalinskyZ99The individual choice of garnishment of a burger can be an important point to the consumer in this day when individualism is an increasingly important thing to people. -- Donald N. Smith, president of Burger King 3n7`CS|3FGThe more crap you put up with, the more crap you are going to get.lF]The more cordial the buyer's secretary, the greater the odds that the competition already has the order.eEOThe meek shall inherit the earth; but by that time there won't be anything left worth inheriting.PD%The meek shall inherit the Earth. (But they're gonna have to fight for it.)SC+The meek shall inherit the earth, but *not* its mineral rights. -- J.P. GettyDB The meek shall inherit the earth -- they are too weak to refuse.A;The meek don't want it.p@eThe means-and-ends moralists, or non-doers, always end up on their ends without any means. -- Saul Alinskya?GThe major difference between bonds and bond traders is that the bonds will eventually mature.4>oThe longer the title, the less important the job.=!The last person that quit or was fired will be held responsible for everything that goes wrong -- until the next person quits or is fired. Oo\M=The only problem with being a man of leisure is that you can never stop and take a rest.ELThe one day you'd sell your soul for something, souls are a glut.K-The most difficult thing in the world is to know how to do a thing and to watch someone else doing it wrong, without commenting. -- T.H. WhiteJThe most delightful day after the one on which you buy a cottage in the country is the one on which you resell it. -- J. Brecheux=IThe more pretentious a corporate name, the smaller the organization. (For instance, The Murphy Center for Codification of Human and Organizational Law, contrasted to IBM, GM, AT&T ...)bHIThe more I want to get something done, the less I call it work. -- Richard Bach, 'Illusions' ,]s,DU The person who makes no mistakes does not usually make anything.]T?The person who can smile when something goes wrong has thought of someone to blame it on.SEThe other line moves faster.eROThe opulence of the front office door varies inversely with the fundamental solvency of the firm.?QThe optimum committee has no members. -- Norman AugustineXP5The opossum is a very sophisticated animal. It doesn't even get up until 5 or 6 PM.[O;The only really good place to buy lumber is at a store where the lumber has already been cut and attached together in the form of furniture, finished, and put inside boxes. -- Dave Barry, 'The Taming of the Screw'#NKThe only promotion rules I can think of are that a sense of shame is to be avoided at all costs and there is never any reason for a hustler to be less cunning than more virtuous men. Oh yes ... whenever you think you've got something really great, add ten per cent more. -- Bill Veeck "`R{"V^1The rich get rich, and the poor get poorer. The haves get more, the have-nots die.D] The reward of a thing well done is to have done it. -- Emerson1\iThe reward for working hard is more hard work.Y[7The reason why worry kills more people than work is that more people worry than work.ZThe problem that we thought was a problem was, indeed, a problem, but not the problem we thought was the problem. -- Mike SmithYThe primary cause of failure in electrical appliances is an expired warranty. Often, you can get an appliance running again simply by changing the warranty expiration date with a 15/64-inch felt-tipped marker. -- Dave Barry, 'The Taming of the Screw'}XThe price one pays for pursuing any profession, or calling, is an intimate knowledge of its ugly side. -- James BaldwinVW1The possession of a book becomes a substitute for reading it. -- Anthony BurgessDV The person who's taking you to lunch has no intention of paying. EGhbUThe secret of success is sincerity. Once you can fake that, you've got it made. -- Jean GiraudouxzayThe salary of the chief executive of the large corporation is not a market award for achievement. It is frequently in the nature of a warm personal gesture by the individual to himself. -- John Kenneth Galbraith, 'Annals of an Abiding Liberal'k`[The road to ruin is always in good repair, and the travellers pay the expense of it. -- Josh BillingsI_The rights and interests of the laboring man will be protected and cared for not by our labor agitators, but by the Christian men to whom God in his infinite wisdom has given control of property interests of the country, and upon the successful management of which so much remains. -- George F. Baer, railroad industrialist ZfZkh[The superior man understands what is right; the inferior man understands what will sell. -- Confucius*g[The star of riches is shining upon you.nfaThe sooner you make your first 5000 mistakes, the sooner you will be able to correct them. -- NicolaidesCe The sooner you fall behind, the more time you have to catch up.Ud/The shortest distance between two points is under construction. -- Noelie AlitoxcuThe seven deadly sins ... Food, clothing, firing, rent, taxes, respectability and children. Nothing can lift those seven milestones from man's neck but money; and the spirit cannot soar until the milestones are lifted. -- George Bernard Shaw )^)joYThe trouble with doing something right the first time is that nobody appreciates how difficult it was._nCThe trouble with being punctual is that people think you have nothing more important to do.cmKThe trouble with being punctual is that nobody's there to appreciate it. -- Franklin P. JonesBl The trouble with being poor is that it takes up all your time.Ok#The trouble with a lot of self-made men is that they worship their creator. jThe time spent on any item of the agenda [of a finance committee] will be in inverse proportion to the sum involved. -- C.N. ParkinsonwisThe term 'fire' brings up visions of violence and mayhem and the ugly scene of shooting employees who make mistakes. We will now refer to this process as 'deleting' an employee (much as a file is deleted from a disk). The employee is simply there one instant, and gone the next. All the terrible temper tantrums, crying, and threats are eliminated. -- Kenny's Korner bC| z1Them as has, gets.Wy3Their idea of an offer you can't refuse is an offer... and you'd better not refuse.rxiThe Worst Car Hire Service When David Schwartz left university in 1972, he set up Rent-a-wreck as _wCThe way to make a small fortune in the commodities market is to start with a large fortune.#vMThe wages of sin are unreported.*Veni, Vidi, VISA: I came, I saw, I did a little shopping.G)Two can Live as Cheaply as One for Half as Long. -- Howard Kandel((WTruth is free, but information costs.7'uToo much of everything is just enough. -- Bob Wier&;Too much is not enough. kk0,gVests are to suits as seat-belts are to cars.^+AVery few things actually get manufactured these days, because in an infinitely large Universe, such as the one in which we live, most things one could possibly imagine, and a lot of things one would rather not, grow somewhere. A forest was discovered recently in which most of the trees grew ratchet screwdrivers as fruit. The life cycle of the ratchet screwdriver is quite interesting. Once picked it needs a dark dusty drawer in which it can lie undisturbed for years. Then one night it suddenly hatches, discards its outer skin that crumbles into dust, and emerges as a totally unidentifiable little metal object with flanges at both ends and a sort of ridge and a hole for a screw. This, when found, will get thrown away. No one knows what the screwdriver is supposed to gain from this. Nature, in her infinite wisdom, is presumably working on it. $Bx$Q3'We are not a loved organization, but we are a respected one. -- John FisherN2!We all live in a state of ambitious poverty. -- Decimus Junius JuvenalisG1We all like praise, but a hike in our pay is the best kind of ways.,0_Waste not, get your budget cut next year.L/ WARNING TO ALL PERSONNEL: Firings will continue until morale improves..Vital papers will demonstrate their vitality by spontaneously moving from where you left them to where you can't find them.i-WVI: A hungry dog hunts best. A hungrier dog hunts even better. VII: Decreased business base increases overhead. So does increased business base. VIII: The most unsuccessful four years in the education of a cost-estimator is fifth grade arithmetic. IX: Acronyms and abbreviations should be used to the maximum extent possible to make trivial ideas profound. Q.E.D. X: Bulls do not win bull fights; people do. People do not win people fights; lawyers do. -- Norman Augustine PP,4] We have some absolutely irrefutable statistics to show exactly why you are so tired. There are not as many people actually working as you may have thought. The population of this country is 200 million. 84 million are over 60 years of age, which leaves 116 million to do the work. People under 20 years of age total 75 million, which leaves 41 million to do the work. There are 22 million who are employed by the government, which leaves 19 million to do the work. Four million are in the Armed Services, which leaves 15 million to do the work. Deduct 14,800,000, the number in the state and city offices, leaving 200,000 to do the work. There are 188,000 in hospitals, insane asylums, etc., so that leaves 12,000 to do the work. Now it may interest you to know that there are 11,998 people in jail, so that leaves just 2 people to carry the load. That is you and me, and brother, I'm getting tired of doing everything myself! 9 R9;/What I mean (and everybody else means) by the word QUALITY cannot be broken down into subjects and predicates. This is not because Quality is so mysterious but because Quality is so simple, immediate, and direct. -- R. Pirsig, 'Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance'K:What good is a ticket to the good life, if you can't find the entrance?9;Weekend, where are you?M8We're living in a golden age. All you need is gold. -- D.W. Robertson.w7sWe were so poor we couldn't afford a watchdog. If we heard a noise at night, we'd bark ourselves. -- Crazy JimmyG6We were so poor that we thought new clothes meant someone had died.+5['We maintain that the very foundation of our way of life is what we call free enterprise,' said Cash McCall, 'but when one of our citizens show enough free enterprise to pile up a little of that profit, we do our best to make him feel that he ought to be ashamed of himself.' -- Cameron Hawley 7v7<>What the large print giveth, the small print taketh away.>=What sin has not been committed in the name of efficiency?F<What is worth doing is worth the trouble of asking somebody to do. %?OWhat they said: What they meant: 'I recommend this candidate with no qualifications whatsoever.' (Yes, that about sums it up.) 'The amount of mathematics she knows will surprise you.' (And I recommend not giving that school a dime...) 'I simply can't say enough good things about him.' (What a screw-up.) 'I am pleased to say that this candidate is a former colleague of mine.' (I can't tell you how happy I am that she left our firm.) 'When this person left our employ, we were quite hopeful he would go a long way with his skills.' (We hoped he'd go as far as possible.) 'You won't find many people like her.' (In fact, most people can't stand being around her.) 'I cannot reccommend him too highly.' (However, to the best of my knowledge, he has never committed a felony in my presence.) a@GWhat they said: What they meant: 'If you knew this person as well as I know him, you would think as much of him as I do.' (Or as little, to phrase it slightly more accurately.) 'Her input was always critical.' (She never had a good word to say.) 'I have no doubt about his capability to do good work.' (And it's nonexistent.) 'This candidate would lend balance to a department like yours, which already has so many outstanding members.' (Unless you already have a moron.) 'His presentation to my seminar last semester was truly remarkable: one unbelievable result after another.' (And we didn't believe them, either.) 'She is quite uniform in her approach to any function you may assign her.' (In fact, to life in general...) >;B{What they say: What they mean: A major technological breakthrough... Back to the drawing board.">AWhat they said: What they meant: 'You will be fortunate if you can get him to work for you.' (We certainly never succeeded.) There is no other employee with whom I can adequately compare him. (Well, our rats aren't really employees...) 'Success will never spoil him.' (Well, at least not MUCH more.) 'One usually comes away from him with a good feeling.' (And such a sigh of relief.) 'His dissertation is the sort of work you don't expect to see these days; in it he has definitely demonstrated his complete capabilities.' (And his IQ, as well.) 'He should go far.' (The farther the better.) 'He will take full advantage of his staff.' (He even has one of them mowing his lawn after work.) Developed after years of research Discovered by pure accident. Project behind original schedule due We're working on something else. to unforseen difficulties Designs are within allowable limits We made it, stretching a point or two. Customer satisfaction is believed So far behind schedule that they'll be assured grateful for anything at all. Close project coordination We're gonna spread the blame, campers! Test results were extremely gratifying It works, and boy, were we surprised! The design will be finalized... We haven't started yet, but we've got to say something. The entire concept has been rejected The guy who designed it quit. We're moving forward with a fresh We hired three new guys, and they're approach kicking it around. A number of different approaches... We don't know where we're going, but we're moving. Preliminary operational tests are Blew up when we turned it on. inconclusive Modifications are underway We're starting over. GG5CoWhat they say: What they mean: New Different colors from previous version. All New Not compatible with previous version. Exclusive Nobody else has documentation. Unmatched Almost as good as the competition. Design Simplicity The company wouldn't give us any money. Fool-proof Operation All parameters are hard-coded. Advanced Design Nobody really understands it. Here At Last Didn't get it done on time. Field Tested We don't have any simulators. Years of Development Finally got one to work. Unprecedented Performance Nothing ever ran this slow before. Revolutionary Disk drives go 'round and 'round. Futuristic Only runs on a next generation supercomputer. No Maintenance Impossible to fix. Performance Proven Worked through Beta test. Meets Tough Quality Standards It compiles without errors. Satisfaction Guaranteed We'll send you another pack if it fails. Stock Item We shipped it before and can do it again. {w>{~IWhatever is not nailed down is mine. Whatever I can pry up is not nailed down. -- Collis P. Huntingdon, railroad tycoon{H{What we need in this country, instead of Daylight Savings Time, which nobody really understands anyway, is a new concept called Weekday Morning Time, whereby at 7 a.m. every weekday we go into a space-launch-style 'hold' for two to three hours, during which it just remains 7 a.m. This way we could all wake up via a civilized gradual process of stretching and belching and scratching, and it would still be only 7 a.m. when we were ready to actually emerge from bed. -- Dave Barry, '$#$%#^%!^%&@%@!'@GWhat this country needs is a good five dollar plasma weapon.6FsWhat this country needs is a good five cent nickel.8EwWhat this country needs is a good five cent ANYTHING!KDWhat this country needs is a dime that will buy a good five-cent bagel. )4_QCWhen the bosses talk about improving productivity, they are never talking about themselves.TP-When properly administered, vacations do not diminish productivity: for every week you're away and get nothing done, there's another when your boss is away and you get twice as much done. -- Daniel B. LutenXO5When it is not necessary to make a decision, it is necessary not to make a decision.aNGWhen in doubt, mumble; when in trouble, delegate; when in charge, ponder. -- James H. Boren]M?When I works, I works hard. When I sits, I sits easy. And when I thinks, I goes to sleep..LcWhen all else fails, read the instructions.mK_When a fellow says, 'It ain't the money but the principle of the thing,' it's the money. -- Kim HubbarddJMWhen a Banker jumps out of a window, jump after him--that's where the money is. -- Robespierre cNt&cZ[9While money can't buy happiness, it certainly lets you choose your own form of misery.4ZoWhere there's a will, there's an Inheritance Tax.,Y_Where there's a will, there's a relative.KXWhen your work speaks for itself, don't interrupt. -- Henry J. KaisergWSWhen you make your mark in the world, watch out for guys with erasers. -- The Wall Street Journal2VkWhen you go out to buy, don't show your silver.8UwWhen you don't know what you are doing, do it neatly.?TWhen you don't know what to do, walk fast and look worried.?SWhen you are working hard, get up and retch every so often.*RY When the lodge meeting broke up, Meyer confided to a friend. 'Abe, I'm in a terrible pickle! I'm strapped for cash and I haven't the slightest idea where I'm going to get it from!' 'I'm glad to hear that,' answered Abe. 'I was afraid you might have some idea that you could borrow from me!' nC5yfwWork without a vision is slavery, Vision without work is a pipe dream, But vision with work is the hope of the world.?7=0:+9%8"765432 XMF/FORTUNE PROVIDES QUESTIONS FOR THE GREAT ANSWERS: #4 A: Go west, young man, go west! Q: What do wabbits do when they get tiwed of wunning awound?FORTUNE PROVIDES QUESTIONS FOR THE GREAT ANSWERS: #31 A: Chicken Teriyaki. Q: What is the name of the world's oldest kamikaze pilot?zyFORTUNE PROVIDES QUESTIONS FOR THE GREAT ANSWERS: #21 A: Dr. Livingston I. Presume. Q: What's Dr. Presume's full name?tmFORTUNE PROVIDES QUESTIONS FOR THE GREAT ANSWERS: #19 A: To be or not to be. Q: What is the square root of 4b^2?)FORTUNE PROVIDES QUESTIONS FOR THE GREAT ANSWERS: #15 A: The Royal Canadian Mounted Police. Q: What was the greatest achievement in taxidermy?%OFORTUNE PROVIDES QUESTIONS FOR THE GREAT ANSWERS: #13 A: Doc, Happy, Bashful, Dopey, Sneezy, Sleepy, & Grumpy Q: Who were the Democratic presidential candidates? WXTvWnaQ: How did you get into artificial intelligence? A: Seemed logical -- I didn't have any real intelligence.R)Q: How can you tell when a Burroughs salesman is lying? A: When his lips move.Y 7Q: Heard about the who couldn't spell? A: He spent the night in a warehouse.I Q: Do you know what the death rate around here is? A: One per person.& SQ: Are we not men? A: We are Vaxen.i WQ: 'What is the burning question on the mind of every dyslexic existentialist?' A: 'Is there a dog?'$ MKnucklehead: 'Knock, knock' Pee Wee: 'Who's there?' Knucklehead: 'Little ol' lady.' Pee Wee: 'Liddle ol' lady who?' Knucklehead: 'I didn't know you could yodel'[;Knock, knock! Who's there? Sam and Janet. Sam and Janet who? Sam and Janet Evening...%OFORTUNE PROVIDES QUESTIONS FOR THE GREAT ANSWERS: #5 A: The Halls of Montezuma and the Shores of Tripoli. Q: Name two families whose kids won't join the Marines. aZ[ |}Q: How does a hacker fix a function which doesn't work for all of the elements in its domain? A: He changes the domain.P%Q: How do you stop an elephant from charging? A: Take away his credit cards.<}Q: How do you shoot a blue elephant? A: With a blue-elephant gun. Q: How do you shoot a pink elephant? A: Twist its trunk until it turns blue, then shoot it with a blue-elephant gun.>Q: How do you save a drowning lawyer? A: Throw him a rock.Q: How do you play religious roulette? A: You stand around in a circle and blaspheme and see who gets struck by lightning first.}Q: How do you know when you're in the section of Vermont? A: The maple sap buckets are hanging on utility poles.*[Q: How do you keep a moron in suspense?qgQ: How do you catch a unique rabbit? A: Unique up on it! Q: How do you catch a tame rabbit? A: The tame way! }A}AQ: How many bureaucrats does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Two. One to assure everyone that everything possible is being done while the other screws the bulb into the water faucet.7sQ: How many Bell Labs Vice Presidents does it take to change a light bulb? A: That's proprietary information. Answer available from AT&T on payment of license fee (binary only). Q: How does the Polish Constitution differ from the American? A: Under the Polish Constitution citizens are guaranteed freedom of speech, but under the United States constitution they are guaranteed freedom after speech. -- being told in Poland, 1987 g,]Q: How many DEC repairman does it take to fix a flat? A: Five; four to hold the car up and one to swap tires. Q: How long does it take? A: It's indeterminate. It will depend upon how many flats they've brought with them. Q: What happens if you've got TWO flats? A: They replace your generator.~Q: How many college football players does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Only one, but he gets three credits for it.1Q: How many Californians does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Five. One to screw in the light bulb and four to share the experience. (Actually, Californians don't screw in light bulbs, they screw in hot tubs.) Q: How many Oregonians does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Three. One to screw in the light bulb and two to fend off all those Californians trying to share the experience. +[Q: How many existentialists does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Two. One to screw it in and one to observe how the light bulb itself symbolizes a single incandescent beacon of subjective reality in a netherworld of endless absurdity reaching out toward a maudlin cosmos of nothingness.hUQ: How many elephants can you fit in a VW Bug? A: Four. Two in the front, two in the back. Q: How can you tell if an elephant is in your refrigerator? A: There's a footprint in the mayo. Q: How can you tell if two elephants are in your refrigerator? A: There's two footprints in the mayo. Q: How can you tell if three elephants are in your refrigerator? A: The door won't shut. Q: How can you tell if four elephants are in your refrigerator? A: There's a VW Bug in your driveway. II "Q: How many Harvard MBA's does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Just one. He grasps it firmly and the universe revolves around him.3!kQ: How many hardware engineers does it take to change a light bulb? A: None. We'll fix it in software. Q: How many system programmers does it take to change a light bulb? A: None. The application can work around it. Q: How many software engineers does it take to change a light bulb? A: None. We'll document it in the manual. Q: How many tech writers does it take to change a light bulb? A: None. The user can figure it out.o cQ: How many gradual (sorry, that's supposed to be 'graduate') students does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: 'I'm afraid we don't know, but make my stipend tax-free, give my advisor a $30,000 grant of the taxpayer's money, and I'm sure he can tell me how to do the shit work for him so he can take the credit for answering this incredibly vital question.'  %Q: How many IBM types does it take to change a light bulb? A: Fifteen. One to do it, and fourteen to write document number GC7500439-0001, Multitasking Incandescent Source System Facility, of which 10% of the pages state only 'This page intentionally left blank', and 20% of the definitions are of the form 'A:..... consists of sequences of non-blank characters separated by blanks'.{${Q: How many IBM CPU's does it take to do a logical right shift? A: 33. 1 to hold the bits and 32 to push the register.u#oQ: How many IBM 370's does it take to execute a job? A: Four, three to hold it down, and one to rip its head off. ++R+)Q: How many Martians does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: One and a half.n*aQ: How many marketing people does it take to change a light bulb? A: I'll have to get back to you on that.3)kQ: How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb? A: You won't find a lawyer who can change a light bulb. Now, if you're looking for a lawyer to screw a light bulb...u(oQ: How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb? A: Whereas the party of the first part, al;n'aQ: How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb? A: One. Only it's his light bulb when he's done.z&yQ: How many journalists does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Three. One to report it as an inspired government program to bring light to the people, one to report it as a diabolical government plot to deprive the poor of darkness, and one to win a Pulitzer prize for reporting that Electric Company hired a light bulb-assassin to break the bulb in the first place."-IQ: How many mathematicians does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: One. He gives it to six Californians, thereby reducing the problem to the earlier joke., Q: How many Marxists does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: None: The light bulb contains the seeds of its own revolution. a doctor, not an electrician). Scotty, after checking around, realizes that they have no more new light bulbs, and complains that he 'canna' see in the dark. Kirk will make an emergency stop at the next uncharted planet, Alpha Regula IV, to procure a light bulb from the natives, who, are friendly, but seem to be hiding something. Kirk, Spock, Bones, Yeoman Rand and two red shirt security officers beam down to the planet, where the two security officers are promply killed by the natives, and the rest of the landing party is captured. As something begins to develop between the Captain and Yeoman Rand, Scotty, back in orbit, is attacked by a Klingon destroyer and must warp out of orbit. Although badly outgunned, he cripples the Klingon and races back to the planet in order to rescue Kirk et. al. who have just saved the natives' from an awful fate and, as a reward, been given all light bulbs they can carry. The new bulb is then inserted and the Enterprise continues on its five year mission. uP~F71Q: Know what the difference between your latest project and putting wings on an elephant is? A: Who knows? The elephant *might* fly, heh, heh...66sQ: How was Thomas J. Watson buried? A: 9 edge down.:5{Q: How much does it cost to ride the Unibus? A: 2 bits.4+Q: How many Zen masters does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: None. The Universe spins the bulb, and the Zen master stays out of the way.B3 Q: How many WASPs does it take to change a light bulb? A: One.^2AQ: How many surrealists does it take to change a light bulb? A: Two, one to hold the giraffe, and the other to fill the bathtub with brightly colored machine tools. [Surrealist jokes just aren't my cup of fur. Ed.]1Q: How many supply-siders does it take to change a light bulb? A: None. The darkness will cause the light bulb to change by itself. sSbs\>=Q: What do Winnie the Pooh and John the Baptist have in common? A: The same middle name.K=Q: What do they call the alphabet in Arkansas? A: The impossible dream.s<kQ: What do monsters eat? A: Things. Q: What do monsters drink? A: Coke. (Because Things go better with Coke.)g;SQ: What do little WASPs want to be when they grow up? A: The very best person they can possibly be.d:MQ: What do agnostic, insomniac dyslexics do at night? A: Stay awake and wonder if there's a dog.n9aQ: What did Tarzan say when he saw the elephants coming over the hill? A: 'The elephants are coming over the hill.' Q: What did he say when saw them coming over the hill wearing sunglasses? A: Nothing, for he didn't recognize them.*8YQ: Minnesotans ask, 'Why aren't there more pharmacists from Alabama?' A: Easy. It's because they can't figure out how to get the little bottles into the typewriter. 4ov-?4 FQ: What do you call the money you pay to the government when you ride into the country on the back of an elephant? A: A howdah duty.}EQ: What do you call a WASP who doesn't work for his father, isn't a lawyer, and believes in social causes? A: A failure.D-Q: What do you call a principal female opera singer whose high C is lower than those of other principal female opera singers? A: A deep C diva.UC/Q: What do you call a half-dozen Indians with Asian flu? A: Six sick Sikhs (sic).GBQ: What do you call a boomerang that doesn't come back? A: A stick.SA+Q: What do you call a blind, deaf-mute, quadraplegic Virginian? A: Trustworthy.!@GQ: What do you call a blind pre-historic animal? A: Diyathinkhesaurus. Q: What do you call a blind pre-historic animal with a dog? A: Diyathinkhesaurus Rex.?!Q: What do you call 15 blondes in a circle? A: A dope ring. Q: Why do blondes put their hair in ponytails? A: To cover up the valve stem. `;^`{M{Q: What does friendship among Soviet nationalities mean? A: It means that the Armenians take the Russians by the hand; the Russians take the Ukrainians by the hand; the Ukranians take the Uzbeks by the hand; and they all go and beat up the Jews.LQ: What does a WASP Mom make for dinner? A: A crisp salad, a hearty soup, a lovely entree, followed by a delicious dessert.XK5Q: What do you say to a New Yorker with a job? A: Big Mac, fries and a Coke, please!aJGQ: What do you have when you have a lawyer buried up to his neck in sand? A: Not enough sand.gISQ: What do you get when you cross the Godfather with an attorney? A: An offer you can't understand.H-Q: What do you get when you cross a mobster with an international standard? A: You get someone who makes you an offer that you can't understand!`GEQ: What do you call the scratches that you get when a female sheep bites you? A: Ewe nicks. hNr9W#hjYYQ: What looks like a cat, flies like a bat, brays like a donkey, and plays like a monkey? A: Nothing.MXQ: What lies on the bottom of the ocean and twitches? A: A nervous wreck.2WkQ: What is the sound of one cat napping? A: Mu.NV!Q: What is the difference between Texas and yogurt? A: Yogurt has culture.JUQ: What is the difference between a duck? A: One leg is both the same.DT Q: What is purple and concord the world? A: Alexander the Grape.7SuQ: What is purple and commutes? A: An Abelian grape.UR/Q: What is printed on the bottom of beer bottles in Minnesota? A: Open other end.FQQ: What is orange and goes 'click, click?' A: A ball point carrot.;P}Q: What is green and lives in the ocean? A: Moby Pickle.XO5Q: What happens when four WASPs find themselves in the same room? A: A dinner party.VN1Q: What does it say on the bottom of Coke cans in North Dakota? A: Open other end. 3_Q: What's the difference betweeen USL and the Graf Zeppelin? A: The Graf Zeppelin represented cutting edge technology for its time.K^Q: What's the contour integral around Western Europe? A: Zero, because all the Poles are in Eastern Europe! Addendum: Actually, there ARE some Poles in Western Europe, but they are removable! Q: An English mathematician (I forgot who) was asked by his very religious colleague: Do you believe in one God? A: Yes, up to isomorphism! Q: What is a compact city? A: It's a city that can be guarded by finitely many near-sighted policemen! -- Peter LaxG]Q: What's tan and black and looks great on a lawyer? A: A doberman.K\Q: What's hard going in and soft and sticky coming out? A: Chewing gum.1[iQ: What's buried in Grant's tomb? A: A corpse.KZQ: What's a light-year? A: One-third less calories than a regular year. $u9$bgIQ: What's tiny and yellow and very, very, dangerous? A: A canary with the super-user password.Tf-Q: What's the difference between USL and the Titanic? A: The Titanic had a band._eCQ: What's the difference between the 1950's and the 1980's? A: In the 80's, a man walks into a drugstore and states loudly, 'I'd like some condoms,' and then, leaning over the counter, whispers, 'and some cigarettes.'wdsQ: What's the difference between Bell Labs and the Boy Scouts of America? A: The Boy Scouts have adult supervision.[c;Q: What's the difference between an Irish wedding and an Irish wake? A: One less drunk.xbuQ: What's the difference between a Mac and an Etch-a-Sketch? A: You don't have to shake the Mac to clear the screen.caKQ: What's the difference between a duck and an elephant? A: You can't get down off an elephant.`Q: What's the difference between a dead dog in the road and a dead lawyer in the road? A: There are skid marks in front of the dog. kOkXp5Q: Why did the lone ranger kill Tonto? A: He found out what 'kimosabe' really means.KoQ: Why did the germ cross the microscope? A: To get to the other slide.n7Q: Why did the chicken cross the road? A: To see his friend Gregory peck. Q: Why did the chicken cross the playground? A: To get to the other slide.JmQ: Why did the chicken cross the road? A: He was giving it last rites.Sl+Q: Why did the astrophysicist order three hamburgers? A: Because he was hungry.IkQ: Why did Menachem Begin invade Lebanon? A: To impress Jodie Foster.;j}Q: Who cuts the grass on Walton's Mountain? A: Lawn Boy.Wi3Q: Where's the Lone Ranger take his garbage? A: To the dump, to the dump, to the dump dump dump! Q: What's the Pink Panther say when he steps on an ant hill? A: Dead ant, dead ant, dead ant dead ant dead ant...MhQ: What's yellow, and equivalent to the Axiom of Choice? A: Zorn's Lemon. Sa@yQ: Why do WASPs play golf ? A: So they can dress like pimps.x5Q: Why do the police always travel in threes? A: One to do the reading, one to do the writing, and the other keeps an eye on the two intellectuals.$wMQ: Why do people who live near Niagara Falls have flat foreheads? A: Because every morning they wake up thinking 'What *is* that noise? Oh, right, *of course*!jvYQ: Why do mountain climbers rope themselves together? A: To prevent the sensible ones from going home.pueQ: Why do firemen wear red suspenders? A: To conform with departmental regulations concerning uniform dress. tQ: Why do ducks have big flat feet? A: To stamp out forest fires. Q: Why do elephants have big flat feet? A: To stamp out flaming ducks.@sQ: Why did the WASP cross the road? A: To get to the middle.Or#Q: Why did the tachyon cross the road? A: Because it was on the other side.Zq9Q: Why did the programmer call his mother long distance? A: Because that was her name. q @= Q: Why is it that Mexico isn't sending anyone to the '84 summer games? A: Anyone in Mexico who can run, swim or jump is already in LA.~ Q: Why is Christmas just like a day at the office? A: You do all of the work and the fat guy in the suit gets all the credit.|}}Q: Why haven't you graduated yet? A: Well, Dad, I could have finished years ago, but I wanted my dissertation to rhyme.]|?Q: Why don't Scotsmen ever have coffee the way they like it? A: Well, they like it with two lumps of sugar. If they drink it at home, they only take one, and if they drink it while visiting, they always take three.O{#Q: Why don't lawyers go to the beach? A: The cats keep trying to bury them. zQ: Why does Washington have the most lawyers per capita and New Jersey the most toxic waste dumps? A: God gave New Jersey first choice. [R Q: Why should you always serve a Southern Carolina football man soup in a plate? A: 'Cause if you give him a bowl, he'll throw it away.Q: Why is Poland just like the United States? A: In the United States you can't buy anything for zlotys and in Poland you can't either, while in the U.S. you can get whatever you want for dollars, just as you can in Poland. -- being told in Poland, 1987!GQ: Why is it that the more accuracy you demand from an interpolation function, the more expensive it becomes to compute? A: That's the Law of Spline Demand.tg~ytuo'`Time is an illusion. Lunchtime doubly so.' `Very deep,' said Arthur, `you should send that in to the 'Reader's Digest'. They've got a page for people like you.'' - Ford convincing Arthur to drink three pints in ten minutes at lunchtime. '`...You hadn't exactly gone out of your way to call attention to them had you? I mean like actually telling anyone or anything.' `But the plans were on display...' `On display? I eventually had to go down to the cellar to find them.' `That's the display department.' `With a torch.' `Ah, well the lights had probably gone.' `So had the stairs.' `But look you found the notice didn't you?' `Yes,' said Arthur, `yes I did. It was on display in the bottom of a locked filing cabinet stuck in a disused fUeMdJcEbBa>`;_8^4]2\/[,Z*Y'X%W#V!UTSRQPON MLK |t|uo'`Time is an illusion. Lunchtime doubly so.' `Very deep,' said Arthur, `you should send that in to the 'Reader's Digest'. They've got a page for people like you.'' - Ford convincing Arthur to drink three pints in ten minutes at lunchtime. '`...You hadn't exactly gone out of your way to call attention to them had you? I mean like actually telling anyone or anything.' `But the plans were on display...' `On display? I eventually had to go down to the cellar to find them.' `That's the display department.' `With a torch.' `Ah, well the lights had probably gone.' `So had the stairs.' `But look you found the notice didn't you?' `Yes,' said Arthur, `yes I did. It was on display in the bottom of a locked filing cabinet stuck in a disused lavatory with a sign on the door saying 'Beware of The Leopard'.'' - Arthur singing the praises of the local council planning department. QEQqg'Pages one and two [of Zaphod's presidential speech] had been salvaged by a Damogran Frond Crested Eagle and had already become incorporated into an extraordinary new form of nest which the eagle had invented. It was constructed largely of papier mache and it was virtually impossible for a newly hatched baby eagle to break out of it. The Damogran Frond Crested Eagle had heard of the notion of survival of the species but wanted no truck with it.' - An example of Damogran wildlife.8u'`This must be Thursday,' said Arthur to himself, sinking low over his beer, `I never could get the hang of Thursdays.'' - Arthur, on what was to be his last Thursday on Earth. TeO'`You'd better be prepared for the jump into hyperspace. It's unpleasently like being drunk.' `What's so unpleasent about being drunk?' `You ask a glass of water.'' - Arthur getting ready for his first jump into hyperspace.3'`The best way to get a drink out of a Vogon is to stick your finger down his throat...'' - The Book, on one of the Vogon's social inadequacies.)W'`How do you feel?' he asked him. `Like a military academy,' said Arthur, `bits of me keep passing out.'' .... `We're safe,' he said. `Oh good,' said Arthur. `We're in a small galley cabin,' said Ford, `in one of the spaceships of the Vogon Constructor Fleet.' `Ah,' said Arthur, `this is obviously some strange usage of the word 'safe' that I wasn't previously aware of.' - Arthur after his first ever teleport ride. ggj Y'`If there's anything more important than my ego around, I want it caught and shot now.'' - Zaphod.F '`I think you ought to know that I'm feeling very depressed.'' '`Life, don't talk to me about life.'' '`Here I am, brain the size of a planet and they ask me to take you down to the bridge. Call that 'job satisfaction'? 'Cos I don't.'' '`I've got this terrible pain in all the diodes down my left side.'' - Guess who.m _'`Ford, you're turning into a penguin. Stop it.'' - Arthur experiences the improbability drive at work.ri'`You know,' said Arthur, `it's at times like this, when I'm trapped in a Vogon airlock with a man from Betelgeuse, and about to die from asphyxiation in deep space that I really wish I'd listened to what my mother told me when I was young.' `Why, what did she tell you?' `I don't know, I didn't listen.'' - Arthur coping with certain death as best as he could. " p"L'Oh no, not again.' - A bowl of petunias on it's way to certain death.-_'And wow! Hey! What's this thing coming towards me very fast? Very very fast. So big and flat and round, it needs a big wide sounding word like... ow... ound... round... ground! That's it! That's a good name - ground! I wonder if it will be friends with me?' - For the sperm whale, it wasn't.g S'`Hey this is terrific!' Zaphod said. `Someone down there is trying to kill us!' `Terrific,' said Arthur. `But don't you see what this means?' `Yes. We are going to die.' `Yes, but apart from that.' `APART from that?' `It means we must be on to something!' `How soon can we get off it?'' - Zaphod and Arthur in a certain death situation over Magrathea.s k'`In those days spirits were brave, the stakes were high, men were REAL men, women were REAL women, and small furry creatures from Alpha Centauri were REAL small furry creatures from Aplha Centauri.'' - The Book getting all nostalgic. %'`Right,' said Ford, `I'm going to have a look.' He glanced round at the others. `Is no one going to say, 'No you can't possibly, let me go instead'?' They all shook their heads. `Oh well.'' - Ford attempting to be heroic whilst being seiged by Shooty and Bangbang.jY'There are of course many problems connected with life, of which some of the most popular are `Why are people born?' `Why do they die?' `Why do they spend so much of the intervening time wearing digital watches?'' - The Book.T-'`Er, hey Earthman...' `Arthur,' said Arthur. `Yeah, could you just sort of keep this robot with you and guard this end of the passageway. OK?' `Guard?' said Arthur. `What from? You just said there's no one here.' `Yeah, well, just for safety, OK?' said Zaphod. `Whose? Yours or mine?'' - Arthur drawing the short straw on Magrathea.  '`You ARE Zaphod Beeblebrox?' `Yeah,' said Zaphod, `but don't shout it out or they'll all want one.' `THE Zaphod Beeblebrox?' `No, just A Zaphod Bebblebrox, didn't you hear I come in six packs?' `But sir,' it squealed, `I just heard on the sub-ether radio report. It said you were dead...' `Yeah, that's right, I just haven't stopped moving yet.'' - Zaphod and the Guide's receptionist.Y7'In the beginning the Universe was created. This has made a lot of people very angry and been widely regarded as a bad move.' - The Book just racapping what happened in the last book. '`I am so amazingly cool you could keep a side of meat in me for a month. I am so hip I have difficulty seeing over my pelvis.'' - Zaphod being cool. oc'Zaphod grinned two manic grins, sauntered over to the bar and bought most of it.' - Zaphod in paradise.9w'`...and the Universe,' continued the waiter, determined not to be deflected on his home stretch, `will explode later for your pleasure.' Ford's head swivelled slowly towards him. He spoke with feeling. `Wow,' he said, `What sort of drinks do you serve in this place?' The waiter laughed a polite little waiter's laugh. `Ah,' he said, `I think sir has perhaps misunderstood me.' `Oh, I hope not,' breathed Ford.' - Ford in paradise.@'The fronting for the eighty-yard long marble-topped bar had been made by stitching together nearly twenty thousand Antarean Mosaic Lizard skins, despite the fact that the twenty thousand lizards concerned had needed them to keep their insides in.' - The Book decribing Milliways' politically incorrect decor. RM'The main reception foyer was almost empty but Ford nevertheless weaved his way through it.' - Ford making his way out of Milliways whilst under the influence of enough alchol to make a rhino sing.aG'`Hand me the rap-rod, Plate Captain.' The little waiter's eyebrows wandered about his forehead in confusion. `I beg your pardon, sir?' he said. `The phone, waiter,' said Zaphod, grabbing it off him. `Shee, you guys are so unhip it's a wonder your bums don't fall off.'' - Zaphod discovers that waiters are the least hip people in the Universe.+['`Maybe somebody here tipped off the Galactic Police,' said Trillian. `Everybody saw you come in.' `You mean they want to arrest me over the phone?' said Zaphod, `Could be. I'm a pretty dangerous dude when I'm cornered.' `Yeah,' said a voice from under the table [Ford's now completely rat- arsed at this point], `you go to pieces so fast people get hit by the shrapnel.'' - Zaphod getting paranoid over a phone call. {{L'`Incidentally,' he said, `what does teleport mean?' Another moment passed. Slowly, the others turned to face him. `Probably the wrong moment to ask,' said Arthur, `It's just I remember you use the word a short while ago and I only bring it up because...' `Where,' said Ford quietly, `does it say teleport?' `Well, just over here in fact,' said Arthur, pointing at a dark control box in the rear of the cabin, `Just under the word 'emergency', above the word 'system' and beside the sign saying 'out of order'.'' - Arthur finding an escape route from a certain death situation.3k'`The first ten million years were the worst,' said Marvin, `and the second ten million, they were the worst too. The third ten million I didn't enjoy at all. After that I went into a bit of a decline.'' - Marvin reflecting back on his 576,000,003,579 year career as Milliways' car park attendent. ,a, E'`We've got to find out what people want from fire, how they relate to it, what sort of image it has for them.' The crowd were tense. They were expecting something wonderful from Ford. `Stick it up your nose,' he said. `Which is precisely the sort of thing we need to know,' insisted the girl, `Do people want fire that can be fitted nasally?'' - Ford 'debating' what to do with fire with a marketing girl.#'Anyone who is capable of getting themselves made President should on no account be allowed to do the job.' - Some wisdom from The Book.='I teleported home one night With Ron and Sid and Meg. Ron stole Meggie's heart away And I got Sidney's leg.' - A poem about matter transference beams. vv%!OBOOK Meanwhile, the starship has landed on the surface of Magrathea and Trillian is about to make one of the most important statements of her life. Its importance is not immediately recognised by her companions. TRILL. Hey, my white mice have escaped. ZAPHOD Nuts to your white mice._ C'The story goes that I first had the idea for THHGTTG while lying drunk in a field in Innsbruck (or `Spain' as the BBC TV publicity department authorititively has it, probably because it's easier to spell).' - Foreward by DNA. FORD Six pints of bitter. And quickly please, the world's about to end. BARMAN Oh yes, sir? Nice weather for it. VV>#ARTHUR What is an Algolian Zylatburger anyway? FORD They're a kind of meatburger made from the most unpleasant parts of a creature well known for its total lack of any pleasant parts. ARTHUR So you mean that the Universe does actually end not with a bang but with a Wimpy? - Cut dialogue from Fit the Fifth.f"QBOOK ...Man had always assumed that he was more intelligent than dolphins because he had achieved so much... the wheel, New York, wars, and so on, whilst all the dolphins had ever done was muck about in the water having a good time. But conversely the dolphins believed themselves to be more intelligent than man for precisely the same reasons. '%SFORD Tell me Arthur... ARTHUR Yes? FORD This boulder we're stuck under, how big would you say it was? Roughly? ARTHUR Oh, about the size of Coventry Cathedral. FORD Do you think we could move it? (Arthur doesn't reply) Just asking. - Ford and Arthur in a tricky situation, Fit the Eighth.G$BOOK There is a theory which states that if ever anyone discovers exactly what the Universe is for and why it is here, it will instantly disappear and be replaced by something even more bizarrely inexeplicable. There is another theory which states that this has already happened. - Introduction to Fit the Seventh. `'EZAPHOD Hey, this rock... FORD Marble... ZAPHOD Marble... FORD Ice-covered marble... ZAPHOD Right... it's as slippery as... as... What's the slipperiest thing you can think of? FORD At the moment? This marble. ZAPHOD Right. This marble is as slippery as this marble. - Zaphod and Ford trying to get a grip on things in Brontitall, Fit the Tenth.e&OBOOK What to do if you find yourself stuck in a crack in the ground underneath a giant boulder you can't move, with no hope of rescue. Consider how lucky you are that life has been good to you so far. Alternatively, if life hasn't been good to you so far, which given your current circumstances seems more likely, consider how lucky you are that it won't be troubling you much longer. - Comforting advice for Ford and Arthur in this current situation, Fit the Eighth. Q*7'He stood up straight and looked the world squarely in the fields and hills. To add weight to his words he stuck the rabbit bone in his hair. He spread his arms out wide. `I will go mad!' he announced.' - Arthur discovering a way of coping with life on Prehistoric Earth. )ARTHUR It probably seems a terrible thing to say, but you know what I sometimes think would be useful in these situations? LINT. What? ARTHUR A gun of some sort. LINT.2 Will this help? ARTHUR What is it? LINT.2 A gun of some sort. ARTHUR Oh, that'll help. Can you make it fire? LINT. Er... F/X DEAFENING ROAR LINT. Yes. - Arthur and the Lintillas gaining the upper hand, Fit the Twelfth.,(]ARTHUR It's not a question of whose habitat it is, it's a question of how hard you hit it. - Arthur pointing out one of the disadvantages of gravity, Fit the Tenth. (,U'`Eddies,' said Ford, `in the space-time continuum.' `Ah,' nodded Arthur, `is he? Is he?'' - Arthur failing in his first lesson of galactic physics in four years.b+I'`... then I decided that I was a lemon for a couple of weeks. I kept myself amused all that time jumping in and out of a gin and tonic.' Arthur cleared his throat, and then did it again. `Where,' he said, `did you...?' `Find a gin and tonic?' said Ford brightly. `I found a small lake that thought it was a gin and tonic, and jumped in and out of that. At least, I think it thought it was a gin and tonic.' `I may,' he addded with a grin which would have sent sane men scampering into the trees, `have been imagining it.'' - Ford updating Arthur about what he's been doing for the past four years. R/)'Arthur's consciousness approached his body as from a great distance, and reluctantly. It had had some bad times in there. Slowly, nervously, it entered and settled down into its accustomed position. Arthur sat up. `Where am I?' he said. `Lord's Cricket Ground,' said Ford. `Fine,' said Arthur, and his consciousness stepped out again for a quick breather. His body flopped back on the grass.' - Arthur coping with his return to Earth as best as he could..%'...[Arthur] leapt to his feet like an author hearing the phone ring...' - Who says that the character of Arthur isn't autobiographical?d-M'Ford grabbed him by the lapels of his dressing gown and spoke to him as slowly and distinctly and patiently as if he were somebody from a telephone company accounts department.' - Ford trying to rectify that situation. F2'Trillian did a little research in the ship's copy of THHGTTG. It had some advice to offer on drunkenness. `Go to it,' it said, `and good luck.' It was cross-referenced to the entry concerning the size of the Universe and ways of coping with that.' - One of the more preferable pieces of advice contained in the Guide.g1S'`My doctor says that I have a malformed public-duty gland and a natural deficiency in moral fibre, and that I am therefore excused from saving Universes.'' - Ford's last ditch attempt to get out of helping Slartibartfast.80u'`A curse,' said Slartibartfast, `which will engulf the Galaxy in fire and destruction, and possibly bring the Universe to a premature doom. I mean it,' he added. `Sounds like a bad time,' said Ford, `with luck I'll be drunk enough not to notice.'' - Ford ensuring everyone knew where his priorities lay. 4A'Arthur yawed wildly as his skin tried to jump one way and his skeleton the other, whilst his brain tried to work out which of his ears it most wanted to crawl out of. `Bet you weren't expecting to see me again,' said the monster, which Arthur couldn't help thinking was a strange remark for it to make, seeing as he had never met the creature before. He could tell that he hadn't met the creature before from the simple fact that he was able to sleep at nights.' - Arthur discovering who had diverted him from going to a party.y3w'His eyes seemed to be popping out of his head. He wasn't certain if this was because they were trying to see more clearly, or if they simply wanted to leave at this point.' - Arthur trying to see who had diverted him from going to a party. `' ~`8;'`...we might as well start with where your hand is now.' Arthur said, `So which way do I go?' `Down,' said Fenchurch, `on this occaision.' He moved his hand. `Down,' she said, `is in fact the other way.' `Oh yes.'' - Arthur trying to discover which part of Fenchurch is wrong. 7'`Credit?' he said. `Aaaargggh...' These two words are usually coupled together in the Old Pink Dog Bar.' - Ford in a spot of bother.65'Arthur hoped and prayed that there wasn't an afterlife. Then he realised there was a contradiction there and merely hoped that there wasn't an afterlife.' - Arthur realising that he's in a certain death situation with a supernova bomb that is shaped like a cricket ball.V51'`That young girl is one of the least benightedly unintelligent organic life forms it has been my profound lack of pleasure not to be able to avoid meeting.'' - Marvin's first ever compliment about anybody. mN;!'`What's been happening here?' he demanded. `Oh just the nicest things, sir, just the nicest things. can I sit on your lap please?'' '`Colin, I am going to abandon you to your fate.' `I'm so happy.'' '`It will be very, very nasty for you, and that's just too bad. Got it?' `I gurgle with pleasure.'' - Ford and Colin the robot.U:/'The last time anybody made a list of the top hundred character attributes of New Yorkers, common sense snuck in at number 79. .... When it's fall in New York, the air smells as if someone's been frying goats in it, and if you are keen to breathe the best plan is to open a window and stick your head in a building.' - Nuff said??9%'There was a point to this story, but it has temporarily escaped the chronicler's mind.' - This line perhaps best sums up the whole book. >)'`You know they've reintroduced the death penalty for insurance company directors?' `Really?' said Arthur. `No I didn't. For what offence?' Trillian frowned. `What do you mean, offence?' `I see.'' - Evidence that there will be some justice in the Universe eventually.=C'The major difference between a thing that might go wrong and a thing that cannot possibly go wrong is that when a thing that cannot possibly go wrong goes wrong it usually turns out to be impossible to get at or repair.' - One of the laws of computers and programming revealed.<'What the hell, he thought, you're only young once, and threw himself out of the window. That would at least keep the element of surprise on his side.' - Ford outwitting a Vogon with a rocket launcher by going into another certain death situation. uQudBM'I don't know, ' said the voice on the PA, 'apathetic bloody planet, I've no sympathy at all. 'tAm'Ah, ' said Arthur, 'this is obviously some strange usage of the word safe that I wasn't previously aware of. '@''Far out in the uncharted backwaters of the unfashionable end of the western spiral arm of the Galaxy lies a small unregarded yellow sun. '?5'`She hit me on the head with the rock again.' `I think I can confirm that that was my daughter.' `Sweet kid.' `You have to get to know her,' said Arthur. `She eases up does she?' `No,' said Arthur, `but you get a better sense of when to duck.'' - Ford and Arthur on Random. *[E;'OK, so ten out of ten for style, but minus several million for good thinking, yeah? 'DC'Prostetnic Vogon Jeltz smiled very slowly. This was done not so much for effect as because he was trying to remember the sequence of muscle movements. '1Cg'Now it is such a bizarrely improbable coincidence that anything so mindboggingly useful could have evolved purely by chance that some thinkers have chosen to see it as the final and clinching proof of the non-existence of God. 'The argument goes something like this: `I refuse to prove that I exist,' says God, `for proof denies faith, and without faith I am nothing.' '`But,' says Man, `The Babel fish is a dead giveaway, isn't it? It could not have evolved by chance. It proves you exist, and so therefore, by your own arguments, you don't. QED.' o/ohJU'He dropped his voice still lower. In the stillness, a fly would not have dared cleat its throat. '1Ig'The suit into which the man's body had been stuffed looked as if it's only purpose in life was to demonstrate how difficult it was to get this sort of body into a suit. '=H(aikamuotojen kytt aikamatkustuksessa) 'You can arrive (mayan arivan on-when) for any sitting you like without prior (late fore-when) reservation because you can book retrospectively, as it were when you return to your own time. (you can have on-book haventa forewhen presooning returningwenta retrohome.) '`GE'For a moment, nothing happened. Then, after a second or so, nothing continued to happen. 'NF!'In those days spirits were brave, the stakes were high, men were real men, women were real women, and small furry creatures from Alpha Centauri were real small furry creatures from Alpha Centauri. ' /DM;'You're very sure of your facts, ' he said at last, 'I couldn't trust the thinking of a man who takes the Universe - if there is one - for granted. 'hLU'As he came into the light they could see his black and gold uniform on which the buttons were so highly polished that they shone with an intensity that would have made an approaching motorist flash his lights in annoyance. 'NK!'And finally, ' said Max, quieting the audience down and putting on his solemn face, 'finally I believe we have with us here tonight, a party of believers, very devout believers, from the Church of the Second Coming of the Great Prophet Zarquon. ' ... 'There they are, ' said Max, 'sitting there, patiently. He said he'd come again, and he's kept you waiting a long time, so let's hope he's hurrying fellas, because he's only got eight minutes left! ' O+K%UOArthur said, 'So which way do I go? ' 'Down, ' said Fenchurch, 'on this occasion. ' He moved his hand. 'Down, ' she said, 'is in fact the other way. ' 'Oh yes. ''TS'It was real. At least, if it wasn't real, it did support them, and as that is what sofas are supposed to do, this, by any test that mattered, was a real sofa. 'S-'He expanded his chest to make it totally clear that here was the sort of man you only dared to cross if you had a team of Sherpas with you. '/Re'Another world, another day, another dawn. '+Q]'One's never alone with a rubber duck. '?P'Does it worry you that you don't talk any kind of sense? '"OK'Rome wasn't burned in a day. '.Na'What are you talking about? ' 'Never mind, eat the fruit. ' 'You know, this place almost looks like the Garden of Eden. ' 'Eat the fruit. ' 'Sounds quite like it too. ' "qYg'Arthur felt at a bit of a loss. There was a whole Galaxy of stuff out there for him, and he wondered if it was churlish of him to complain to himself that it lacked just two things: the world he was born on and the woman he loved. 'zXy'Ford had his own code of ethics. It wasn't much of one, but it was his and he stuck by it, more or less. One rule he made was never to buy his own drinks. He wasn't sure if that counted as an ethic, but you have to go with what you've got. '^WA'Yes, it's the right planet, all right, ' he said again. 'Right planet, wrong universe. '[V;'You're one hundred percent positive that the ship which is crashed on the bottom of this ocean is the ship which you said you were one hundred percent positive could one hundred percent positively never crash? '\ztnhb\VPJD>82,& ~xrlf`ZTNHB<60*$ |vpjd^XRLF@:4.(" and I}l_M@1"ߎލxݍi܍ZۍLڍ<ٍ,؍׍ ֌|ՌoԌaӌQҌ@ь.ЌόΌ͋s̋eˋUʋEɋ5ȋ"NjƋŊtĊeÊWŠI:* vgXI8'o^SG=1'zcO?-uaN8'iS=*}gM<."{l_QE6+ yi\M?2'~}|w{kz^ySxFw9v.u!tsr{qnpboVnHTkq, rCLgr6 s does Johnie Ingram hang out here on IRC?+ ] we're calling 2.2 _POTATO_??B  Fuck, I can't compile the damn thing and I wrote it !J  it's amazing how 'not-broken' debian is compared to slack and rhM  Win 98 Psychic edition: We'll tell you where you're going tomorrow\= netgod: My calculator has more registers than the x86, and -thats- sad6s there is 150 meg in the /tmp dir! DEAR LORDA 'NT 5.0. All the bugs and ten times the code size!'2k can I write a unix-like kernel in perl?9y* Culus fears perl - the language with optional errorsC Being overloaded is the sign of a true Debian maintainer.V1 abuse me. I'm so lame I sent a bug report to debian-devel-changescK* SynrG notes that the number of configuration questions to answer in sendmail is NON-TRIVIAL FU>JF@The software required Win95 or better, so I installed Linux.`EI did it just to piss you off. :-P -- Branden Robinson in a message to debian-devel^A Knghtbrd: We have lots of whatevers. dark - In Debian? Hell yeah we do!KSoftware is like sex, it's better when it's free. -- Linus TorvaldsB Saens demonstrates no less than 3 tcp/ip bugs in 2.2.3@ anyone know if there is a version of dpkg for redhat?E I *like* the chickenD anyone around? no, we're all irregular polygons:{<_Anarchy_> Argh.. who's handing out the paper bags 8)W3 it has been said that redhat is the thing Marc Ewing wears on his head.:{ Debian - All the power, without the silly hat.C AIX - the Unix from the universe where Spock has a beard.dM if macOS is for the computer illiterate, then windoze is for the computer masochists wjJSwI% conning the most intellegent people on the planet is not easy:${* lilo hereby declares OPN a virtual pain in the ass :)S#+Never underestimate the power of human stupidity. -- Robert A. HeinleinJ"Indifference will certainly be the downfall of mankind, but who cares?G! xtifr - beware of james when he's off his medication =>` E hmm, lunch does sound like a good idea would taste like a good idea toofQ If I start writing essays about Free Software for slashdot, please shoot me.T-YES! YES! YES! Oh, YES! (ooops, I sound like Meg Ryan ;-) -- Ian Nandhra`EWe all know Linux is great... it does infinite loops in 5 seconds. -- Linus Torvalds:{I'm not a level-headed person... -- Bruce PerensX510) there is no 10, but it sounded like a nice number :) -- Wichert Akkerman ]:G1]L0 is a surgical war where you go give the foreign troops nose jobs?H/ !seen god LauraDax, I don't remember seeing 'god':.{'Now we'll have to kill you.' -- Linus TorvaldsZ-9 'PLEASE RESPECT INTELLECTUAL RIGHTS!' 'Please demonstrate intellect.' ;)f,QAnyone who stands out in the middle of a road looks like roadkill to me. -- Linus TorvaldsP+% Feanor: u have no idea of the depth of the stupidty of american lawX*5 Kira: JOIN THE DARK SIDE, YOUNG ONE. darth, I *am* the dark side.8)w hmm, is there a --now-dammit option for exim?](? you are not a nutcase You obviously don't know me well enough yet. =>c'K* Turken thinks little kids are absolutely adorable... especialyy when they're someone elses._&C rit/ara: There's something really demented about UNIX underwear... OY UT OU</* Simunye is on a oc3->oc12 simmy: bite me. :) daemon: okay :)c;K Will LINUX ever overtake sliced bread as the #1 achievement of mankind?G: I hate users you sound like a sysadmin already!^9A hardcopy is for wussies computer program listings....next, on HardCopy?8I am dyslexic of Borg. Prepare to have your ass laminated.^7A tomorrow there will be a great disturbance in the workforce -- May 18, 199906gOh no, not again. -- Manoj SrivastavaL5 RMS for President??? ...or ESR, he wants a new job ;)I4 Ada, the only language written to milspec. 73u Leave it to manoj to call procmail 'puny'`2E* m2 stares at the monitor... it looks like a hamburger... m2 - that's a bad signC1 There are worse things than Perl....ASP comes to mind ?`&h<?HH Subject: [GR PROPOSAL] Should we vote on trivial matters?LG* Knghtktty is not going to ask how zucchini got into the discussion ...cFK0 7 * * * echo '...Linux is just a fad' | mail billg@microsoft.com -s= 'And remember...'*E[do { : } while (!HELL_FROZEN_OVER);cDK* o-o always like debmake because he knew exactly what it would do... o-o: you would ;-)WC3 you don't have to be insane to work here....oh wait, yes you do! :)dBM americans are wierd.... californians even weirder xtifr has a point ...GA aggh! MAKE IT STOP! MAKE IT STOP!!-@a anyone seen my 80 column card?Z?9Moonchild without an opinion? Satan is skating to work tomorrow! -- Brett ManzQ>' my US geograpy is lousy...lol so's mine and I live hereK= I can think of lots of people who need USER=ID10T someplace! 4P=Bu4?V where am I and what am I doing in this handbasket?4Uo* bma wonders if this will make the Knghtbrd .sig@T you guys are all sick! sick sick sick I tell ya ;)SS+Hi! I'm a .signature virus! Copy me into your ~/.signature to help me sprea= d!BR has /usr/bin/emacs been put into /etc/shells yet? :P*Q[ i figured 17G oughta be enough.CP Gruuk: UFies are above and beyond the human race :)DO * PerlGeek is really a space alien * Knghtktty believes PerlGeekdNM its hard being a lesbian withoutn breasts...people dont take you seriously>M* netgod opens his mailbox and immediately wishes he hadntL1There Is No Cabal.TK- 8am is an ungoldly hour to be awake :) * gorgo usually gets up at 11amdJM> Ok, I see you know what you're doing :-) Either that or I've gotten pretty good at faking it.HI who gives a shit about US law anyone living in the US. hh|zhIb* BenC wonders why he has upgraded to 3.3.5-1 before teh X maintainer`aE* joeyh wonders why everyone wants to know how tall he is joeyh: it helps the sniperc`K i have 4gb for /tmp What do you do with 4G /tmp? Compile X? yesa_G Knghtbrd, if we wanted a lameass remark we would have said: Hey, neckro<^For every vision there is an equal and opposite revision._]C Note on a chem lab fridge- 'This refrigerator is not explosion- proof'.^\ALucas' Law: Good will always win, because evil hires the _stupid_ engineers.;[} be vewwy vewwy qwuiet .. I'm huntin wuntime ewwosMZ* Espy ponders an uplad queue called 'hell' so I can do dupload --to hell:Y{As a computer, I find your faith in technology amusing.XCSteal this tagline. I did.:W{There is no snooze button on a cat who wants breakfast. 7Z OL}7Dn I'm starting to think the gene pool could use a little chlorine. mG another .sig additionHl* knghtbrd does the ET thing anybody got a speak-n-spell?akGIf I have trouble installing Linux, something is wrong. Very wrong. -- Linus TorvaldsgjSI think irc isn't going to work though---we're running out of topic space! -- Joseph Carter>iGates' Law: Every 18 months, the speed of software halves.Xh5If you are what you eat, I guess that makes me a cheese danish. -- Anonymous]g?Caveats: it's GNOME, be afraid, be very afraid of the Depends line -- James Troup]f? learn to love Window Maker. a little NeXTStep is good for the soul.Ke ahh a gathering of geeks.... I can smell it nowHd any gnome freaks around? not me, I'm just a freakZc9'I am ecstatic that some moron re-invented a 1995 windows fuckup.' -- Alan Cox qzG|QqV{1 solaris is bsd, so it should work * Espy takes wichert's crack pipe away5zq you are baked Espy: only half soOy# hey did you fall off your pirch or something? me? heh.)xYWhere do you think you're going today?>w Mercury: gpm isn't a very good web browser. fix it.]v?* Knghtbrd crosses his toes (if I crossed my fingers it would be hard to type)*u[We've upped our standards, so up yours!btIC'mon! political protest! sheesh. Where's that anarchist spirit? ;-) -- Decklin Foster%sQ libc6 is not essential :|?r we need to split main into'core' and 'wtf-uses-this'eqO*** Topic for #redhat: ReDHaT is the answer to all your problems. It could be the start too!Ip be careful, some twit might quote you out of context...9oyIt's as BAD as you think, and they ARE out to get you. JV$XucJ3Tagline, you're it!INothing is a problem once you debug the code. -- John Carmack^A taniwha: Quote material :) Endy: :) Endy: I already snipped itbI* Omnic looks at his 33.6k link and then looks at Joy * Mercury cuddles his cable modem.. (=:]fQ*** Knghtbrd is now known as SirKewLDooD *** Mercury kicked SirKewlDooD from #quakeforge (*WHACK*):{ shaleh: I am not, despite your implication, God:{ i'd solve a windows key problem with fdisk :)8wThe Unixverse ends on Tue, 19 Jan 2038 03:14:07 +0000C * Knghtbrd is FAR too tempted to .sig this entire discussion...I At that point it will compile, but segfault, as it should..0~gConnection reset by some moron with a backhoeM}* joeyh_ runs ps and sees 10 lines of awk code * joeyh_ recoils in horrorY|7 LWE? Linux W?? E?? will eatyou World Expo? i see YWo+5YE'I have a bone to pick, and a few to break.' -- AnonymousH glDisable (GL_BUGS); heh Is that in 1.2? :)F* shortc wants to get in one of knghtbrd's sigs one of these days.Z9 ok guys .. so whens the next commit :PP when they come to get meU/* CosmicRay wishes he had some strippers here.... err, wire strippers> 2fort5 sucks enough to have its own gravity ...A I invoke Espy's law, which states that you all suck :PH  come on it's a pico clone it's *meant* to be annoying^ A what do you get when someone cracks your debian machine ? mashed potato...9 y knghtbrd: and the meek shall inherit k-martN ! taniwha: Have you TESTED this one? :) Endy: of course notU / gib, perl? methinks perl is the programmer's Swiss Army Chainsaw J}C@FJ6!s<``Erik> 18,446,744,073,709,551,616 is a big number\ = He's a about half the size of the others. But he's got a chainsaw.aGThe deafening silence taught me not to ask a bunch of geeks for advice from their girlfriendsN! Alter.net seems to have replaced one of its router with a zucchini.Q'RFC 882 put the dot in .com, not Sun Microsystems -- Seen on SlashdotR)All good ideas look like bad ideas to those who are losers. -- DilbertP%Change the Social Contract? BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. -- Branden Robinson:{* athener calls Amnesty International House of Pancakes#M dpkg has bugs? no way!J$you = new YOU; honk() if $you->love(perl) -- Seen on Slashdot7uWe must know, we will know. -- David Hilbert>A subversive is anyone who can out-argue their government.?Z.O.I.D.: Zombie Optimized for Infiltration and Destruction Bk-] yNBE. c++: the power, elegance and simplicity of a hand grenaded-MNOTICE: anyone seen smoking will be assumed to be on fire and will be summarily put out.Z,9 my computer was once one of the building blocks of a great pyramid(+W liiwi: printk('CPU0 on firen');J*## Signoff: insurgent (razzin' frazzin' motherfu... stupid directx...)W)3* TwingyAFK is shopping for 17' flat panel * aav sells TwingyAFK a piece of plywood:({ Look, rejects, this is #OpenGL, not #GEEKSEX.^'A* |Rain| prepares for polygon soup <|Rain|> sweet merciful crap, it works? * |Rain| faints;&} Knghtbrd: irc doesn't compile c code very well ;).%c Culus: are you awake? no;$} There's too much blood in my caffeine system.W#3 no BSD fans ? Elric: it's hard to be a gamer and a bsd fan :p8"w<|Rain|> #define struct union /* great space saver */ X{)}.s X_9CA great empire, like a great cake, is most easily diminished at the edges. -- B. FranklinP8%A free society is one where it is safe to be unpopular. -- Adlai Stevensonc7KA fanatic is one who can't change his mind and won't change the subject. -- Winston Churchilld6MA diplomat's life consists of three things: protocol, Geritol, and alcohol. -- Adlai StevensonQ5'A diplomat is a man who can convince his wife she'd look stout in a fur coat.L4A Difficulty for Every Solution. -- Motto of the Federal Civil Serviceg3SA bureaucrat's idea of cleaning up his files is to make a copy of everything before he destroys it.?21st graffitiist: QUESTION AUTHORITY! 2nd graffitiist: Why?O1# You're rewriting parts of Quake in *Python*? MUAHAHAHAI0 this is the New Overfiend, preacher of Love and Tolerance6/s my program works if i take out the bugs. Uk0uA}&U?FAlea iacta est. [The die is cast] -- Gaius Julius CaesarDE Abraham Lincoln didn't die in vain. He died in Washington, D.C.EDA straw vote only shows which way the hot air blows. -- O'HenryTC-A statesman is a politician who's been dead 10 or 15 years. -- Harry S. Truman`BEA right is not what someone gives you; it's what no one can take from you. -- Ramsey Clark^AAA real patriot is the fellow who gets a parking ticket and rejoices that the system works.1@iA penny saved kills your career in government."?KA penny saved is a penny taxed.)>YA nuclear war can ruin your whole day.g=SA national debt, if it is not excessive, will be to us a national blessing. -- Alexander Hamilton8<wA long memory is the most subversive idea in America.6;sA lack of leadership is no substitute for inaction.Y:7A great nation is any mob of people which produces at least one honest man a century. J|%=v9JXS5Blessed are the young, for they shall inherit the national debt. -- Herbert Hoover'RUBedfellows make strange politicians.gQSBe it our wealth, our jobs, or even our homes; nothing is safe while the legislature is in session.:P{Ban the bomb. Save the world for conventional warfare.HOAudacity, and again, audacity, and always audacity. -- G.J. Danton-NaAny excuse will serve a tyrant. -- AesopIMAnother such victory over the Romans, and we are undone. -- PyrrhusXL5'...and the fully armed nuclear warheads, are, of course, merely a courtesy detail.'^KAAnarchy may not be a better form of government, but it's better than no government at all.)JYAmerica: born free and taxed to death.TI-All people are born alike -- except Republicans and Democrats. -- Groucho Marx3HmAll kings is mostly rapscallions. --Mark TwainKGAll diplomacy is a continuation of war by other means. -- Chou En Lai 5r*v\5\^=Diplomacy is the art of saying 'nice doggie' until you can find a rock. -- Wynn Catlin[];Diplomacy is the art of letting the other party have things your way. -- Daniele Vareg\SDemocracy means simply the bludgeoning of the people by the people for the people. -- Oscar Wildea[GDemocracy is the name we give the people whenever we need them. -- Arman de Caillavet, 1913YZ7Democracy is good. I say this because other systems are worse. -- Jawaharlal NehruWY3Democracy is a government where you can say what you think even if you don't think.\X=Democracy becomes a government of bullies, tempered by editors. -- Ralph Waldo EmersonRW)Demand the establishment of the government in its rightful home at Disneyland.EVCrime does not pay ... as well as politics. -- Alfred E. Newman5UqConquering Russia should be done steppe by steppe.ST+Census Taker to Housewife: Did you ever have the measles, and, if so, how many? rd#|PjrDk Fear and loathing, my man, fear and loathing. -- H.S. ThompsoncjKEverything is controlled by a small evil group to which, unfortunately, no one we know belongs.HiEvery country has the government it deserves. -- Joseph De MaistreKhEver wonder if taxation without representation might have been cheaper?0ggEach person has the right to take the subway.bfIDue to a shortage of devoted followers, the production of great leaders has been discontinued.)eYDon't vote -- it only encourages them!aDon't be humble ... you're not that great. -- Golda MeirD` Disclose classified information only when a NEED TO KNOW exists.R_)Diplomacy is to do and say, the nastiest thing in the nicest way. -- Balfour I9W]I@w'Give me enough medals, and I'll win any war.' -- NapoleonbvIGive all orders verbally. Never write anything down that might go into a 'Pearl Harbor File'.!uIGeorge Orwell was an optimist.EtGeorge Orwell 1984. Northwestern 0. -- Chicago Reader 10/15/82gsSFreedom's just another word for nothing left to lose. -- Kris Kristofferson, 'Me and Bobby McGee';r}Freedom of the press is for those who happen to own one.Oq#Freedom is slavery. Ignorance is strength. War is peace. -- George OrwellCp Freedom is nothing else but the chance to do better. -- Camus>oFreedom begins when you tell Mrs. Grundy to go fly a kite.Xn5Free Speech Is The Right To Shout 'Theater' In A Crowded Fire. -- A Yippie Proverb\m=Fraud is the homage that force pays to reason. -- Charles Curtis, 'A Commonplace Book'elOForgive him, for he believes that the customs of his tribe are the laws of nature! -- G.B. Shaw $f|?O|$U/How can you govern a nation which has 246 kinds of cheese? -- Charles de GaulleFHistory is on our side (as long as we can control the historians).JHere comes the orator, with his flood of words and his drop of reason.:{He's just a politician trying to save both his faces...B He who slings mud generally loses ground. -- Adlai Stevenson^AHe thinks the Gettysburg Address is where Lincoln lived. -- Wanda, 'A Fish Called Wanda'G~He that would govern others, first should be the master of himself.:}{He is the best of men who dislikes power. -- Mohammed/|eGrub first, then ethics. -- Bertolt BrechtT{-Government lies, and newspapers lie, but in a democracy they are different lies.^zAGovernment [is] an illusion the governed should not encourage. -- John Updike, 'Couples'Xy5Govern a great nation as you would cook a small fish. Don't overdo it. -- Lao TsuCLiberty is always dangerous, but it is the safest thing we have. -- Harry Emerson Fosdick^=ALiberty don't work as good in practice as it does in speeches. -- The Best of Will Rogers`<ELet us never negotiate out of fear, but let us never fear to negotiate. -- John F. Kennedy,;_Let no guilty man escape. -- U.S. Grant0:gLawful Dungeon Master -- and they're MY laws!D9 Law stands mute in the midst of arms. -- Marcus Tullius Cicero68sL'etat c'est moi. [I am the state.] -- Louis XIV37mKnow thyself. If you need help, call the C.I.A.6CKeep your laws off my body!a5GJoin the Navy; sail to far-off exotic lands, meet exciting interesting people, and kill them.S4+Join the army, see the world, meet interesting, exciting people, and kill them.f3Q 'It's a summons.' 'What's a summons?' 'It means summon's in trouble.' -- Rocky and Bullwinkle F;7 gF6MsNational security is in your hands - guard it well.UL/My folks didn't come over on the Mayflower, but they were there to meet the boat.5KqMy father was a saint, I'm not. -- Indira GandhiUJ/Most people want either less corruption or more of a chance to participate in it.UI/Military justice is to justice what military music is to music. -- Groucho MarxHHMilitary intelligence is a contradiction in terms. -- Groucho Marx*G[Mickey Mouse wears a Spiro Agnew watch.FFMessage will arrive in the mail. Destroy, before the FBI sees it.8EwMassachusetts has the best politicians money can buy.DD Many a bum show has been saved by the flag. -- George M. Cohan6CsMan is by nature a political animal. -- AristotleVB1Man is a military animal, glories in gunpowder, and loves parade. -- P.J. BaileyCA Majorities, of course, start with minorities. -- Robert Moses#@MLove America -- or give it back. <?}&zl<-\aOne seldom sees a monument to a committee.[AOne planet is all you get.Z;One organism, one vote.,Y_One nuclear bomb can ruin your whole day.:X{Once you've seen one nuclear war, you've seen them all.bWIOnce is happenstance, Twice is coincidence, Three times is enemy action. -- Auric Goldfinger*V[Old soldiers never die. Young ones do.>U'Nuclear war would really set back cable.' -- Ted Turner;T}Now and then an innocent man is sent to the legislature.TS-Nothing is illegal if one hundred businessmen decide to do it. -- Andrew Young)RYNihilism should commence with oneself.GQ'Never underestimate the power of a small tactical nuclear weapon.'IPNever trust an automatic pistol or a D.A.'s deal. -- John DillingerdOMNemo me impune lacessit. [No one provokes me with impunity] -- Motto of the Crown of ScotlandWN3Neglect of duty does not cease, by repetition, to be neglect of duty. -- Napoleon V]nQL VeiOPoverty must have its satisfactions, else there would not be so many poor people. -- Don Heroldh;Poverty begins at home./gePostmen never die, they just lose their zip.5Victory uber allies!M=Veni, vidi, vici. [I came, I saw, I conquered]. -- Gaius Julius Caesar_<CUsually, when a lot of men get together, it's called a war. -- Mel Brooks, 'The Listener':;{Under every stone lurks a politician. -- Aristophanese:OUnder capitalism, man exploits man. Under communism, it's just the opposite. -- J.K. Galbraith_9CTreaties are like roses and young girls -- they last while they last. -- Charles DeGaulleB8 Travel important today; Internal Revenue men arrive tomorrow.@7Today is a good day to bribe a high-ranking public official. !Pw$*y!UQ/What a strange game. The only winning move is not to play. -- WOP, 'War Games'QP'We totally deny the allegations, and we're trying to identify the allegators.ZO9We have not inherited the earth from our parents, we've borrowed it from our children.ZN9We cannot do everything at once, but we can do something at once. -- Calvin CoolidgeOM#We are all worms. But I do believe I am a glowworm. -- Winston ChurchillHLWe are all born equal... just some of us are more equal than others.PK%Washington, D.C: Fifty square miles almost completely surrounded by reality.tBrandy-and-water spoils two good things. -- Charles Lamb7suBooze is the answer. I don't remember the question.Xr5Beggar to well-dressed businessman: 'Could you spare $20.95 for a fifth of Chivas?'/qeBeer -- it's not just for breakfast anymore.-paBeer & Pretzels -- Breakfast of Champions.oCBecause the wine remembers.\n=... at least I thought I was dancing, 'til somebody stepped on my hand. -- J. B. WhitebmIAnd you can't get any Watney's Red Barrel, because the bars close every time you're thirsty... +Y)p.9q+C I may not be able to walk, but I drive from a sitting position.[;I have to think hard to name an interesting man who does not drink. -- Richard BurtongSI gave up Smoking, Drinking and Sex. It was the most *__________horrifying* 20 minutes of my life!EI drink to make other people interesting. -- George Jean NathanMI don't drink, I don't like it, it makes me feel too good. -- K. CoatesZ9I can't die until the government finds a safe place to bury my liver. -- Phil Harris?'Hey! Who took the cork off my lunch??!' -- W. C. Fields?He's just like Capistrano, always ready for a few swallows.B He knew the tavernes well in every toun. -- Geoffrey Chaucer/eHaving a wonderful wine, wish you were beer.-~aHalley's Comet: It came, we saw, we drank.Z}9Fishing, with me, has always been an excuse to drink in the daytime. -- Jimmy CannonG|Excellent day for drinking heavily. Spike the office water cooler. R?.ERY7In a whiskey it's age, in a cigarette it's taste and in a sports car it's impossible..cIn a bottle, the neck is always at the top.4oIf you drink, don't park. Accidents make people.,_If you don't drink it, someone else will.P%If God had intended Men to Smoke, He would have put Chimneys in their Heads.D If God had intended Man to Smoke, He would have set him on Fire.LI've never been drunk, but often I've been overserved. -- George GobelP%I'd like to meet the guy who invented beer and see what he's working on now.) YI wish you were a Scotch on the rocks.< I used to have a drinking problem. Now I love the stuff.P %I never take work home with me; I always leave it in some bar along the way.d MI never said all Democrats were saloonkeepers; what I said was all saloonkeepers were Democrats.W 3I must get out of these wet clothes and into a dry Martini. -- Alexander Woolcott ojo7Qo@"Never drink from your finger bowl -- it contains only water.L!Never delay the ending of a meeting or the beginning of a cocktail hour.M My uncle was the town drunk -- and we lived in Chicago. -- George Gobel:{My mother drinks to forget she drinks. -- Crazy Jimmy[;'Mind if I smoke?' 'Yes, I'd like to see that, does it come out of your ears or what?'H'Mind if I smoke?' 'I don't care if you burst into flames and die!'5qLife, like beer, is merely borrowed. -- Don Reed/eKissing a smoker is like licking an ashtray.+]Kiss a non-smoker; taste the difference.3mKeep America beautiful. Swallow your beer cans.bIIt's the same old story; boy meets beer, boy drinks beer... boy gets another beer. -- CheersW3It's gonna be alright, It's almost midnight, And I've got two more bottles of wine.9yIn vino veritas. [In wine there is truth.] -- Pliny -RWq5-_.CSmoking is, as far as I'm concerned, the entire point of being an adult. -- Fran LebowitzL-Smoking is one of the leading causes of statistics. -- Fletcher KnebelT,-Sleep -- the most beautiful experience in life -- except drink. -- W.C. Fields9+yShow respect for age. Drink good Scotch for a change.X*5Riffle West Virginia is so small that the Boy Scout had to double as the town drunk.+)]Preserve Wildlife! Throw a party today!Z(9One difference between a man and a machine is that a machine is quiet when well oiled./'eOld Grandad is dead but his spirits live on.^&ANOTICE: Anyone seen smoking will be assumed to be on fire and will be summarily put out.e%ONot drinking, chasing women, or doing drugs won't make you live longer -- it just seems that way.O$#Not all men who drink are poets. Some of us drink because we aren't poets.Y#7No, I don't have a drinking problem. I drink, I get drunk, I fall down. No problem! $k-O n:p$I<To be intoxicated is to feel sophisticated but not be able to say it.O;#They took some of the Van Goghs, most of the jewels, and all of the Chivas!9:yThere is nothing wrong with abstinence, in moderation.99yThere are only two kinds of tequila. Good and better.18iThere are more old drunkards than old doctors.H7'The whole world is about three drinks behind.' -- Humphrey BogartP6%The cost of living has just gone up another dollar a quart. -- W.C. Fields@5The Celts invented two things, Whiskey and self-destruction.[4;The best audience is intelligent, well-educated and a little drunk. -- Maurice Baring!3ITake me drunk, I'm home again!Y27Sometimes I simply feel that the whole world is a cigarette and I'm the only ashtray.;1}Some people have no respect for age unless it's bottled.U0/So, is the glass half empty, half full, or just twice as large as it needs to be?:/{Smoking Prohibited. Absolutely no ifs, ands, or butts. 3XO`$yX3"MKstatic from plastic slide rulesLCstatic from nylon underwear2Kkelectromagnetic radiation from satellite debrisJ%solar flaresaIGYou're not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on. -- Dean Martin clock speed9HyYou're not an alcoholic unless you go to the meetings. GGYou can't fall off the floor.AFWork is the curse of the drinking classes. -- Mike Romanoff>EWonderful day. Your hangover just makes it seem terrible.DD Who needs friends when you can sit alone in your room and drink?7CuWhen the going gets tough, the tough go grab a beer.(BWWhen the cup is full, carry it level.AAWhat scoundrel stole the cork from my lunch? -- J.D. Farley]@?We don't smoke and we don't chew, and we don't go with girls that do. -- Walter SummersS?+Vermouth always makes me brilliant unless it makes me idiotic. -- E.F. Benson3>mToothpaste never hurts the taste of good scotch.=9Too ripped. Gotta go. LU7jJ-M/qL"gKcellular telephone interferencefCpositron router malfunction4eoIt works the way the Wang did, what's the problemd3CPU radiator brokenc3radiosity depletion1bifirst Saturday after first full moon in Wintera=Decreasing electron flux;`}network packets travelling uphill (use a carrier pigeon)_Eimproperly oriented keyboard^Cmonitor resolution too high]=POSIX complience problem\5divide-by-zero error$[Ofloating point processor overflowZ;excess surge protectionYAfat electrons in the lines,X_somebody was calculating pi on the serverW?temporary routing anomoly@Vsounds like a Windows problem, try calling Microsoft support9Uywe're waiting for [the phone company] to fix that lineT=dry joints on cable plug0Sgmagnetic interferance from money/credit cardsR?hardware stress fracturesQ)doppler effectP)static buildupO;poor power conditioningN)global warming [o0qPnF[d}MLittle hamster in running wheel had coronary; waiting for replacement to be Fedexed from Wyoming@|Smell from unhygenic janitorial staff wrecked the tape heads>{Cosmic ray particles crashed through the hard disk platter%zQChange in Earth's rotational speedy+Bogon emissionsx;bad ether in the cableswAComplete Transient Lockout,v_waste water tank overflowed onto computer"uKvirus attack, luser responsible9tybank holiday - system operating credits not rechargedsCboss forgot system password'rUspaghetti cable cause packet failure qGinterrupt configuration error+p]not enough memory, go get system upgradeo5terrorist activities'nUsecretary plugged hairdryer into UPSSupport staff hung over, send aspirin and come back LATER.IYeah, yo mama dresses you funny and you need a mouse to delete files.`EPlease excuse me, I have to circuit an AC line through my head to get this database working.cKThat's a great computer you have there; have you considered how it would work as a BSD machine?;}Look, buddy: Windows 3.1 IS A General Protection Fault. .I}Zg6T.#=Mthe printer thinks its a router.3<mthe real ttys became pseudo ttys and vice-versa.>;your keyboard's space bar is generating spurious keycodes.B: electro-magnetic pulses from French above ground nuke testing.#9MRoot nameservers are out of sync.8cThe monitor is plugged into the serial port)7YThe salesman drove over the CPU board.?6The rolling stones concert down the road caused a brown out65sThe electricity substation in the car park blew up.I4The air conditioning water supply pipe ruptured over the machine room 3GThe keyboard isn't plugged inX25The electrician didn't know what the yellow cable was so he yanked the ethernet out.%1QUPS interrupted the server's powerF0backup tape overwritten with copy of system manager's favourite CD3/moperators on strike due to broken coffee machine@.Power company testing new voltage spike (creation) equipment-1Collapsed Backbone,#IRQ dropout++SIMM crosstalk. Tg i/ }6yT"SKUBNC (user brain not connected)-RaBNC (brain not (user brain not connected)FQUser was distributing pornography on server; system seized by FBI.P=Daemons loose in system.#OMYou put the disk in upside down.DN because of network lag due to too many people playing deathmatchM5It's not plugged in.L?SCSI Chain overterminated@Ktelnet: Unable to connect to remote host: Connection refusedJ)new managementIEThe ring needs another token7HuPower Company having EMP problems with their reactorG5Sticky bits on disk.F3it has Intel InsideECwe just switched to Sprint.#DMuser to computer ration too low.#CMuser to computer ratio too high.[B;because Bill Gates is a Jehovah's witness and so nothing can work on St. Swithin's day.2Akhalon system went off and killed the operators.@?we just switched to FDDI.??evil hackers from Serbia.#>Mthe router thinks its a printer. Q`)^60gQi-bugs in the RAIDh3monitor VLF leakageg?non-redundant fan failuref1Stubborn processese/Defunct processes dGIncorrect time syncronization)cYZombie processes haunting the computerb'Dumb terminalVa1You can tune a file system, but you can't tune a fish (from most tunefs man pages)(`WBig to little endian conversion error9_yMy pony-tail hit the on/off switch on the power strip.C^ Some one needed the powerstrip, so they pulled the switch plug.%]QArcserve crashed the server again.\CDew on the telephone lines.[=Insert coin for new game#ZMParty-bug in the Aloha protocol.@YCommunications satellite used by the military for star wars. XGToo few computrons available.4Wohad to use hammer to free stuck disk drive heads.9Vynew guy cross-connected phone lines with ac power bus.;U}disks spinning backwards - toggle the hemisphere jumper.#TMLBNC (luser brain not connected) HsBfM5n8 |fH=Proprietary Information.-SCSI's too wide.&S..disk or the processor is on fire.AReformatting Page. Wait.../permission denied+]system consumed all the paper for paging+]loop found in loop in redundant loopback3~mfilesystem not big enough for Jumbo Kernel Patch}?endothermal recalibration|)Atilla the Hub {!ether leakzEmulticasts on broken packetsyAshort leg on process table xsticktion0wgvapors from evaporating sticky-note adhesivesv1OS swapped to disku3Backbone adjustment/teRecursive traversal of loopback mount points#sMpseudo-user on a pseudo-terminal,r_NOTICE: alloc: /dev/null: filesystem full(qWpopper unable to process jumbo kernel'pUbroadcast packets on wrong frequency.ocle0: no carrier: transceiver cable problem?6nsexcessive collisions & not enough packet ambulances m!/pub/lunchl1Backbone Scoliosis kroot rotj=no 'any' key on keyboard @qD V(uA@Y7Only people with names beginning with 'A' are getting mail this week (a la Microsoft)KYour mail is being routed through Germany ... and they're censoring us.T-Police are examining all internet packets in the search for a narco-net-traficer1iQuantum dynamics are affecting the transistorsU/Write-only-memory subsystem too slow for this machine. Contact your local dealer.B kernel panic: write-only-memory (/dev/wom0) capacity exceeded.-RPC_PMAP_FAILURE+]The monitor needs another box of pixels.:{the curls in your keyboard cord are losing electricity./ ePost-it Note Sludge leaked into the monitor.E I'm sorry a pentium won't do, you need an SGI to connect with us.4 oMe no internet, only janitor, me just wax floors.* [We only support a 28000 bps connection.) YWe only support a 1200 bps connection.#MDid you pay the new Support Fee?9runaway cat on system.CJust type 'mv * /dev/null'. UgAa"{0yU!'Iwrong polarity of neutron flow'&UFatal error right in front of screen4%oA star wars satellite accidently blew up the WAN.S$+It's those computer people in X {city of world}. They keep stuffing things up.H#Jan 9 16:41:27 huber su: 'su root' succeeded for .... on /dev/pts/1S"+The lines are all busy (busied out, that is -- why let them in to begin with?).N!!I'm not sure. Try calling the Internet's head office -- it's in the book.< The mainframe needs to rest. It's getting old, you know.9ySomeone thought The Big Red Button was a light switch./eRecursivity. Call back if it happens again.)YThe UPS doesn't have a battery backup.;The MGs ran out of gas.&SHigh nuclear activity in your area.#MChange your language to Finnish.B Of course it doesn't work. We've performed a software upgrade.1Lightning strikes.9yWe didn't pay the Internet bill and it's been cut off. ?b2|,Z0 m?+8]Too much radiation coming from the soil.T7-It must have been the lightning storm we had (yesterdy) (last week) (last month)C6 The Borg tried to assimilate your system. Resistance is futile.#5MYour cat tried to eat the mouse.'4UThe computer fletely, mouse and all.<3Software uses US measurements, but the OS is in metric...2C_Rosin_ core solder? But...1CCPU needs bearings repacked0EYou did wha... oh _dear_....,/_Plate voltage too low on demodulator tubeM.Fanout dropping voltage too much, try cutting some of those little tracesU-/The new frame relay network hasn't bedded down the software loop transmitter yet.[,;Someone is broadcasting pigmy packets and the router dosn't know how to deal with them.-+aTCP/IP UDP alarm threshold is set too low.'*UIonisation from the air-conditioning@)We had to turn off that service to comply with the CDA Bill..(cLusers learning curve appears to be fractal MP1 R{_8 qM!NIThe kernel license has expired,M_Someone has messed up the kernel pointersL3Melting hard drives&KSNeutrino overload on the nameserverJ7The UPS is on strike. IGAll of the packets are empty.H1The mouse escaped.$GOYour modem doesn't speak English.F9It's stuck in the Web.,E_Our POP server was kidnapped by a weasel.!DIThe Usenet news is out of dateC?We're upgrading /dev/nullbBISomeone's tie is caught in the printer, and if anything else gets printed, he'll be in it too./AeThat's easy to fix, but I can't be bothered.3@mThat would be because the software doesn't work.)?YYou need to install an RTFM interface.!>IStanding room only on the bus.$=OInterference from lunar radiation<?We've run out of licensesC; Our ISP is having {switching,routing,SMDS,frame relay} problems4:oProcesses running slowly due to weak power supply09gProgram load too heavy for processor to lift. f?}.j24aoDue to the CDA, we no longer have a root account.1`iThe CPU has shifted, and become decentralized.3_mInterference between the keyboard and the chair.5^qHard drive sleeping. Let it wake up on it's own...&]STelecommunications is downshifting.%\QTelecommunications is downgrading.#[MTelecommunications is upgrading.Z7Electrons on a bender/YeLawn mower blade in your fan need sharpeningLXThe co-locator cannot verify the frame-relay gateway to the ISDN server.[W;Traceroute says that there is a routing problem in the backbone. It's not our problem.1ViThe static electricity routing is acting up...-UaThe Dilithium Cyrstals need to be rotated.$TOYour Flux Capacitor has gone bad.S3U.S. Postal Service RBit rot#QMIt was OK before you touched it.1PiThe cord jumped over and hit the power switch.O5Netscape has crashed Bt[Tx?hB#uMtransient bus protocol violationtAasynchronous inode failures9firewall needs cooling$rOCD-ROM server needs recalibrationq?emissions from GSM-phonesRp)CPU-angle has to be adjusted because of vibrations coming from the nearby road6osIRQ-problems with the Un-Interruptable-Power-Supply%nQrouting problems on the neural net)mYfractal radiation jamming the backboneKlmicroelectronic Riemannian curved-space fault in write-only file system7kuappears to be a Slow/Narrow SCSI-0 Interface problem4joDigital Manipulator exceeding velocity parameters1iiThe data on your hard drive is out of balance.h7Not enough interruptsg3Too many interrupts&fSThe hardware bus needs a new token. Incompetent Operator error!!Istruck by the Good Times virusS +I'd love to help you -- it's just that the Boss won't let me near the computer.2kthe daemons! the daemons! the terrible daemons!9Boredom in the Kernel.=Chewing gum on /dev/sd3c5Second-sytem effect.&SThe cables are not the same length.5qPEBKAC (Problem Exists Between Keyboard And Chair) A|Zi'8}hA$?O/dev/clue was linked to /dev/null>+Bad user karma.@=Your computer's union contract is set to expire at midnight.-<aThe Internet is being scanned for viruses.+;]Dyslexics retyping hosts file on servers:5t's an ID-10-T errorY97Your processor has taken a ride to Heaven's Gate on the UFO behind Hale-Bopp's comet.K8Someone was smoking in the computer room and set off the halon systems.B7 Robotic tape changer mistook operator's tie for a backup tape.?6Operators killed when huge stack of backup tapes fell over.05gWe've picked COBOL as the language of choice.*4[Operators killed by year 2000 bug bite.E3Someone hooked the twisted pair wires into the answering machine.F2Budget cuts forced us to sell all the power cords for the servers.1ERoot name servers corrupted.0?Its the InterNIC's fault.//eSuspicious pointer corrupted virtual machine0.gForced to support NT servers; sysadmins quit. gk@S0dggOSSysadmins unavailable because they are in a meeting talking about why they are unavailable so much.>NSysadmin accidentally destroyed pager with a large hammer.OM#Sysadmin didn't hear pager go off due to loud music from bar-room speakers.5LqSecretary sent chain letter to all 5000 employees.-KaSales staff sold a product we don't offer.aJGWe are Microsoft. What you are experiencing is not a problem; it is an undocumented feature. IGWe are a 100% Microsoft Shop.QH'Data for intranet got routed through the extranet and landed on the internet.:G{T-1's congested due to porn traffic to the news server.!FIMail server hit by UniSpammer.E+Redundant ACLs. DGJupiter is aligned with Mars.(CWInterferance from the Van Allen Belt.@BIt's union rules. There's nothing we can do about it. Sorry..AcWe already sent around a notice about that.@CIncreased sunspot activity. Xm;S6iH#oXc/stop bit receivedHboperation failed because: there is no message for this error (#1014)aCIt's not RFC-822 compliant.E`Someone else stole your IP address, call the Internet detectives!"_KDomain controler not responding^CFeature was not beta tested9]yRepeated reboots of the system failed to solve problem \GSysadmins busy fighting SPAM.E[Computer room being moved. Our systems are down for the weekend.#ZMWe're out of slots on the serverY;Maintence window broken+X]tachyon emissions overloading the system,W_Cow-tippers tipped a cow onto the server. VGRadial Telemetry Infiltration/UeTraffic jam on the Information Superhighway.3TmElectrical conduits in machine room are melting./SeThe vulcan-death-grip ping has been applied.-RaComputers under water due to SYN flooding.QARoute flapping at the NAP.@PBad cafeteria food landed all the sysadmins in the hospital. Du_<\9i4hD!zIvi needs to be upgraded to vii)yYAccording to Microsoft, it's by design6xsMailer-daemon is busy burning your message in hell.Cw Browser's cookie is corrupted -- someone's been nibbling on it.vCoverflow error in /dev/null2ukZombie processess detected, machine is haunted.tCTrojan horse ran out of hays;Hash table has woodworm0rgCache miss - please take better aim next timeq9Hot Java has gone coldp?sticky bit has come loose!oIcrop circles in the corn shell nGDaemon escaped from pentagram)mYInternet shut down due to maintainance5lqPlease state the nature of the technical emergency/keerror: one bad user found in front of screen(jWBorg nanites have infested the serveri?Borg implants are failing hGMouse has out-of-cheese-errorg-Temporal anomaly(fWFirmware update in the coffee machine-eanetwork down, IP packets delivered via UPS-dainternet is needed to catch the etherbunny hGNW h_CBe valiant, but not too venturous. Let thy attire be comely, but not costly. -- John Lyly<April is the cruellest month... -- Thomas Stearns EliotKAngels we have heard on High Tell us to go out and Buy. -- Tom Lehrer4oAnd miles to go before I sleep. -- Robert FrostU/All who joy would win Must share it -- Happiness was born a twin. -- Lord ByroneOAlive without breath, As cold as death; Never thirsty, ever drinking, All in mail never clinking.]?A truth that's told with bad intent Beats all the lies you can invent. -- William BlakeEA robin redbreast in a cage Puts all Heaven in a rage. -- BlakeN~!A man who fishes for marlin in ponds will put his money in Etruscan bonds.]}?A box without hinges, key, or lid, Yet golden treasure inside is hid. -- J.R.R. Tolkien3|mA bit of talcum Is always walcum -- Ogden Nash {Ggreenpeace free'd the mallocs 1ba?1O#Every man is as God made him, ay, and often worse. -- Miguel de CervantesR)Every love's the love before In a duller dress. -- Dorothy Parker, 'Summary'dMEuch ist bekannt, was wir beduerfen; Wir wollen stark Getraenke schluerfen. -- Goethe, 'Faust'Q'Don't wake me up too soon... Gonna take a ride across the moon... You and me.d MDon't lose Your head To gain a minute You need your head Your brains are in it. -- Burma Shaved MDeclared guilty... of displaying feelings of an almost human nature. -- Pink Floyd, 'The Wall'R )Come, muse, let us sing of rats! -- From a poem by James Grainger, 1721-1767Z 9Charlie was a chemist, But Charlie is no more. For what he thought was H2O, Was H2SO4.L Catch a wave and you're sitting on top of the world. -- The Beach Boys8wBy the yard, life is hard. By the inch, it's a cinch.`EBig M, Little M, many mumbling mice Are making midnight music in the moonlight, Mighty nice! pI>b pX5I don't know what Descartes' got, But booze can do what Kant cannot. -- Mike Cross>I can't complain, but sometimes I still do. -- Joe WalshS+I can live without Someone I love But not without Someone I need. -- 'Safety'9yI B M U B M We all B M For I B M!!!! -- H.A.R.L.I.E.LHow can you have any pudding if you don't eat your meat? -- Pink FloydN!...his disciples lead him in; he just does the rest. -- The Who, 'Tommy'cKHERE LIES LESTER MOORE SHOT 4 TIMES WITH A .44 NO LES NO MOORE -- tombstone, in Tombstone, AZX5He who invents adages for others to peruse takes along rowboat when going on cruise.GHanging on in quiet desperation is the English way. -- Pink FloydX5For gin, in cruel Sober truth, Supplies the fuel For flaming youth. -- Noel CowardY7Finality is death. Perfection is finality. Nothing is perfect. There are lumps in it. lEt7#lZ'9It's Like This Even the samurai have teddy bears, and even the teddy bears get drunk.W&3It's gonna be alright, It's almost midnight, And I've got two more bottles of wine.Y%7In this vale Of toil and sin Your head grows bald But not your chin. -- Burma Shave]$?If I promised you the moon and the stars, would you believe it? -- Alan Parsons ProjectU#/I/O, I/O, It's off to disk I go, A bit or byte to read or write, I/O, I/O, I/O...:"{I'm free -- and freedom tastes of reality. -- The WhoC! I'll see you... on the dark side of the moon... -- Pink Floyd\ =I would like to know What I was fencing in And what I was fencing out. -- Robert Frost)YI owe, I owe, It's off to work I go...T-I have that old biological urge, I have that old irresistible surge, I'm hungry.aGI don't wanna argue, and I don't wanna fight, But there will definitely be a party tonight... k9ne kf1QOh, give me a home, Where the buffalo roam, And I'll show you a house with a really messy kitchen.40oOh, by the way, which one's Pink? -- Pink FloydW/3No sooner had Edger Allen Poe Finished his old Raven, then he started his Old Crow.`.ENo rock so hard but that a little wave May beat admission in a thousand years. -- TennysonT--New York's got the ways and means; Just won't let you be. -- The Grateful DeadL,Neuroses are red, Melancholia's blue. I'm schizophrenic, What are you?^+ALisp, Lisp, Lisp Machine, Lisp Machine is Fun. Lisp, Lisp, Lisp Machine, Fun for everyone.g*SLife is what happens to you while you're busy making other plans. -- John Lennon, 'Beautiful Boy'a)GLife is like a tin of sardines. We're, all of us, looking for the key. -- Beyond the Fringe`(ELatin is a language, As dead as can be. First it killed the Romans, And now it's killing me. ?Q%X5?U=/Sweet sixteen is beautiful Bess, And her voice is changing -- from 'No' to 'Yes'.F<Spring is here, spring is here, Life is skittles and life is beer.R;)Shift to the left, Shift to the right, Mask in, mask out, BYTE, BYTE, BYTE !!!O:#SHIFT TO THE LEFT! SHIFT TO THE RIGHT! POP UP, PUSH DOWN, BYTE, BYTE, BYTE!9EShe blinded me with science!c8KShe asked me, 'What's your sign?' I blinked and answered 'Neon,' I thought I'd blow her mind...F7Roses are red; Violets are blue. I'm schizophrenic, And so am I.b6IPower, like a desolating pestilence, Pollutes whate'er it touches... -- Percy Bysshe Shelleye5OPlanet Claire has pink hair. All the trees are red. No one ever dies there. No one has a head....)4YParsley is gharsley. -- Ogden NashB3 One thing about the past. It's likely to last. -- Ogden Nashg2SOh, yeah, life goes on, long after the thrill of livin' is gone. -- John Cougar, 'Jack and Diane' 7O'Y7ZG9The trouble with a kitten is that When it grows up, it's always a cat -- Ogden Nash.bFIThe thrill is here, but it won't last long You'd better have your fun before it moves along...]E?The makers may make and the users may use, but the fixers must fix with but minimal cluesfDQThe hope that springs eternal Springs right up your behind. -- Ian Drury, 'This Is What We Find'bCIThe grave's a fine and private place, but none, I think, do there embrace. -- Andrew MarvellWB3The difference between us is not very far, cruising for burgers in daddy's new car.cAKThe Bird of Time has but a little way to fly ... and the bird is on the wing. -- Omar Khayyame@OThe all-softening overpowering knell, The tocsin of the soul, -- the dinner bell. -- Lord Byron\?=That money talks, I'll not deny, I heard it once, It said 'Good-bye. -- Richard ArmourO>#That feeling just came over me. -- Albert DeSalvo, the 'Boston Strangler' A\$e7<A]S?What has roots as nobody sees, Is taller than trees, Up, up it goes, And yet never grows?>RWhat awful irony is this? We are as gods, but know it not.WQ3We gotta get out of this place, If it's the last thing we ever do. -- The AnimalsQP'We don't need no education, we don't need no thought control. -- Pink FloydSO+Wad some power the giftie gie us To see oursels as others see us. -- R. BurnsNN!Voiceless it cries, Wingless flutters, Toothless bites, Mouthless mutters.+M]Try not. Do. Or do not. There is no try.SL+Too cool to calypso, Too tough to tango, Too weird to watusi -- The Only OnesfKQTo err is human, to purr feline. To err is human, two curs canine. To err is human, to moo bovine.5JqTo err is human, To purr feline. -- Robert ByrneFITime goes, you say? Ah no! Time stays, *we* go. -- Austin DobsonXH5The truth you speak has no past and no future. It is, and that's all it needs to be. Uy rUf^QYou may be right, I may be crazy, But it just may be a lunatic you're looking for! -- Billy JoelX]5Yea from the table of my memory I'll wipe away all trivial fond records. -- HamletV\1With/Without - and who'll deny it's what the fighting's all about? -- Pink Floyde[OWho to himself is law no law doth need, offends no law, and is a king indeed. -- George ChapmanCZ Whip it, baby. Whip it right. Whip it, baby. Whip it all night!`YEWhere's the man could ease a heart Like a satin gown? -- Dorothy Parker, 'The Satin Dress'BX When in trouble or in doubt, run in circles, scream and shout.DW When in panic, fear and doubt, Drink in barrels, eat, and shout.gVSWhen a lion meets another with a louder roar, the first lion thinks the last a bore. -- G.B. Shaw:U{What's love but a second-hand emotion? -- Tina TurnerGTWhat we Are is God's gift to us. What we Become is our gift to God. S-rYHS4ooA visit to a fresh place will bring strange work.5nqA tall, dark stranger will have more fun than you.Qm'A long-forgotten loved one will appear soon. Buy the negatives at any price./leA gift of a flower will soon be made to you.5kqA few hours grace before the madness begins again.j;sillema sillema nika su5iqSEMPER UBI SUB UBI!!!! [ Always wear underwater ]h1semper en excretus,g_Quid me anxius sum? [ What? Me, worry? ]:f{Mieux vaut tard que jamais! [ Better late than never ]e3Klatu barada nikto.dCHoni soit la vache qui rit.GcHodie natus est radici frater. [ Unto the root is born a brother ]b;Ego sum ens omnipotens.0agAliquid melius quam pessimum optimum non est.g`S'Nature abhors a Vacuum' -- Brian Behlendorf on OSS (Open Sources, 1999 O'Reilly and Associates)f_QYour wise men don't know how it feels To be thick as a brick. -- Jethro Tull, 'Thick As A Brick' ;Yl)|?f;(WAre you sure the back door is locked?.cAre you making all this up as you go along?S~+Are you ever going to do the dishes? Or will you change your major to biology?}/Are you a turtle?8|wAnother good night not to sleep in a eucalyptus tree.:{{An exotic journey in downtown Newark is in your future.@zAn avocado-tone refrigerator would look good on your resume.+y]Among the lucky, you are the chosen one.9xyAll the troubles you have will pass away very quickly.@wAlimony and bribes will engage a large share of your wealth.LvAfternoon very favorable for romance. Try a single person for a change.@uAfter your lover has gone you will still have PEANUT BUTTER!t=Advancement in position.:s{Accent on helpful side of your nature. Drain the moat.;r}Abandon the search for Truth; settle for a good fantasy./qeA vivid and creative mind characterizes you.4poA visit to a strange place will bring fresh work. DhGX<X yD2kBeware of a tall black man with one blond shoe./eBeware of a dark-haired man with a loud tie._CBetter hope the life-inspector doesn't come around while you have your life in such a mess.HBest of all is never to have been born. Second best is to die soon.J Beauty and harmony are as necessary to you as the very breath of life.9 yBe security conscious -- National defense is at stake.X 5Be free and open and breezy! Enjoy! Things won't get any better so get used to it. 9Be different: conform.F Be cheerful while you are alive. -- Phathotep, 24th Century B.C.%QBe cautious in your daily affairs.)YBe careful! UGLY strikes 9 out of 10!!IBe careful! Is it classified?+]Bank error in your favor. Collect $200.CAvoid reality at all costs.)YAvoid gunfire in the bathroom tonight.6sAvert misunderstanding by calm, poise, and balance.0gArtistic ventures highlighted. Rob a museum. FlQ W"i6 FB' Do nothing unless you must, and when you must act -- hesitate.-&aDo not sleep in a eucalyptus tree tonight.%CDo not overtax your powers.+$]Day of inquiry. You will be subpoenaed.)#YCourage is your greatest present need.0"gCommunicate! It can't make things any worse.!9Cold hands, no gloves. ?Chicken Little was right.,_Chicken Little only has to be right once.)Chess tonight.8wCheer Up! Things are getting worse at a slower rate.2kChange your thoughts and you change your world.ACelebrate Hannibal Day this year. Take an elephant to lunch.*[Caution: Keep out of reach of children.6sCaution: breathing may be hazardous to your health.?Bridge ahead. Pay troll..cBreak into jail and claim police brutality.7Blow it out your ear.ABeware the one behind you.$OBeware of low-flying butterflies.1Beware of Bigfoot!2kBeware of a tall blond man with one black shoe. S_={L=SE8Don't relax! It's only your tension that's holding you together.%7QDon't read everything you believe.56qDon't read any sky-writing for the next two weeks.?5Don't plan any hasty moves. You'll be evicted soon anyway.J4Don't look now, but there is a multi-legged creature on your shoulder.?3Don't look now, but the man in the moon is laughing at you.42oDon't look back, the lemmings are gaining on you.F1Don't let your mind wander -- it's too little to be let out alone.,0_Don't kiss an elephant on the lips today.9/yDon't hate yourself in the morning -- sleep till noon.0.gDon't go surfing in South Dakota for a while.-9Don't get to bragging.4,oDon't get stuck in a closet -- wear yourself out.+EDon't feed the bats tonight.+*]Domestic happiness and faithful friends.B) Do what comes naturally. Seethe and fume and throw a tantrum.+(]Do something unusual today. Pay a bill. ATHQ$A?IFine day to work off excess energy. Steal something heavy.+H]Fine day for friends. So-so day for you./GeExpect the worst, it's the least you can do.>FExpect a letter from a friend who will ask a favor of you.*E[Exercise caution in your daily affairs.2DkExecutive ability is prominent in your make-up.-CaExcellent time to become a missing person.&BSExcellent day to have a rotten day.6AsExcellent day for putting Slinkies on an escalator.-@aEverything will be just tickety-boo today.G?Everything that you know is wrong, but you can be straightened out.:>{Don't you wish you had more energy... or less ambition?F=Don't you feel more like you do now than you did when you came in?9<yDon't worry. Life's too long. -- Vincent Sardi, Jr.);YDon't Worry, Be Happy. -- Meher Baba2:kDon't worry so loud, your roommate can't think.H9Don't tell any big lies today. Small ones can be just as effective. 0c SRd01XiHope that the day after you die is a nice day.QW'Green light in A.M. for new projects. Red light in P.M. for traffic tickets.TV-Good night to spend with family, but avoid arguments with your mate's new lover.@UGood news. Ten weeks from Friday will be a pretty good day.7TuGood news from afar can bring you a welcome visitor.2SkGood day to let down old friends who need help.RR)Good day to deal with people in high places; particularly lonely stewardesses.:Q{Good day for overcoming obstacles. Try a steeplechase.>PGood day for a change of scene. Repaper the bedroom wall.0OgGo to a movie tonight. Darkness becomes you.@NGive your very best today. Heaven knows it's little enough.VM1Give thought to your reputation. Consider changing name and moving to a new town.LCGive him an evasive answer.8KwGenerosity and perfection are your everlasting goals.>JFuture looks spotty. You will spill soup in late evening. Kq8e)PKSg+It's lucky you're going so slowly, because you're going in the wrong direction.!fIIt's all in the mind, ya know.Pe%It's a very *__UN*lucky week in which to be took dead. -- Churchy La Femme5dqIt was all so different before everything changed.AcIt may or may not be worthwhile, but it still has to be done.b?Is this really happening?+a]Is that really YOU that is reading this?E`Increased knowledge will help you now. Have mate's phone bugged.9_yIn the stairway of life, you'd best take the elevator.4^oIf your life was a horse, you'd have to shoot it.R])If you think last Tuesday was a drag, wait till you see what happens tomorrow!D\ If you stand on your head, you will get footprints in your hair.6[sIf you sow your wild oats, hope for a crop failure._ZCIf you learn one useless thing every day, in a single year you'll learn 365 useless things.*Y[If you can read this, you're too close. UC Dj{U#vMMake a wish, it might come true.Bu Love is in the offing. Be affectionate to one who adores you.0tgLook afar and see the end from the beginning.!sILong life is in store for you.Pr%Living your life is a task so difficult, it has never been attempted before.jKeep emotionally active. Cater to your favorite neurosis.iAJust to have it is enough.Yh7Just because the message may never be received does not mean it is not worth sending. @V=G~\<f@# MSomeone is speaking well of you."KSo you're back... about time...&SSo this is it. We're going to die.9Snow Day -- stay home. GSlow day. Practice crawling.FShips are safe in harbor, but they were never meant to stay there.ASave energy: be apathetic.EReply hazy, ask again later.-aQuestionable day. Ask somebody something.B Perfect day for scrubbing the floor and other exciting things.Q'People are beginning to notice you. Try dressing before you leave the house.5~qOf course you have a purpose -- to find a purpose.g}SNext Friday will not be your lucky day. As a matter of fact, you don't have a lucky day this year.#|MNever reveal your best argument.+{]Never look up when dragons fly overhead.z3Never give an inch!7yuNever commit yourself! Let someone else commit you./xeNever be led astray onto the path of virtue.;w}Many changes of mind and mood; do not hesitate too long. Od8#rJ(y-O5qTime to be aggressive. Go after a tattooed Virgo.N!This will be a memorable month -- no matter how hard you try to forget it.R)This life is yours. Some of it was given to you; the rest, you made yourself.IThink twice before speaking, but don't say 'think think click click'.IThings will be bright in P.M. A cop will shine a light in your face.;}There will be big changes for you but you will be happy."KThere was a phone call for you.EThere is a fly on your nose.%QThere is a 20% chance of tomorrow.T-The whole world is a tuxedo and you are a pair of brown shoes. -- George Gobel)YThe time is right to make new friends.+]That secret you've been guarding, isn't.+Stay the curse.) YStay away from hurricanes for a while.' UStay away from flying saucers today.; }Someone whom you reject today, will reject you tomorrow.1 iSomeone is speaking well of you. How unusual! B]-H$ABB* Try to have as good a life as you can under the circumstances.7)uTry to get all of your posthumous medals in advance.6(sTry the Moo Shu Pork. It is especially good today.D' Truth will out this morning. (Which may really mess things up.)`&ETroubled day for virgins over 16 who are beautiful and wealthy and live in eucalyptus trees.3%mTonight's the night: Sleep in a eucalyptus tree.G$Tonight you will pay the wages of sin; Don't forget to leave a tip.!#ITomorrow, you can be anywhere.6"sTomorrow will be cancelled due to lack of interest.G!Today's weirdness is tomorrow's reason why. -- Hunter S. Thompson' UToday is what happened to yesterday.5qToday is the tomorrow you worried about yesterday.-aToday is the last day of your life so far.3mToday is the first day of the rest of your life.2kToday is the first day of the rest of the mess.5qToday is National Existential Ennui Awareness Day. 0M}:w]>0f:QYou are destined to become the commandant of the fighting men of the department of transportation.>9You are deeply attached to your friends and acquaintances.38mYou are confused; but this is your normal state.+7]You are capable of planning your future.6?You are as I am with You.55You are always busy.H4You are a very redundant person, that's what kind of person you are.B3 You are a fluke of the universe; you have no right to be here.02gYou are a bundle of energy, always on the go.@1Write yourself a threatening letter and pen a defiant reply.e0OWhile you recently had your problems on the run, they've regrouped and are making another attack.-/aWhat happened last night can happen again.5.qTuesday is the Wednesday of the rest of your life.6-sTuesday After Lunch is the cosmic time of the week.6,sTry to value useful qualities in one who loves you.>+Try to relax and enjoy the crisis. -- Ashleigh Brilliant ?i>R4IoYou are the only person to ever get this message.-HaYou are taking yourself far too seriously.GEYou are standing on my toes.>FYou are so boring that when I see you my feet go to sleep.BE You are sick, twisted and perverted. I like that in a person.]D?You are scrupulously honest, frank, and straightforward. Therefore you have few friends.DC You are only young once, but you can stay immature indefinitely.(BWYou are number 6! Who is number one?8AwYou are not dead yet. But watch for further reports.$@OYou are magnetic in your bearing.+?]You are going to have a new love affair.C> You are fighting for survival in your own sweet and gentle way.O=#You are farsighted, a good planner, an ardent lover, and a faithful friend.'<UYou are fairminded, just and loving.B; You are dishonest, but never to the point of hurting a friend. ZHb=ZDW You get along very well with everyone except animals and people.VCYou fill a much-needed gap.LUYou feel a whole lot more like you do now than you did when you used to.)TYYou enjoy the company of other people.ESYou don't become a failure until you're satisfied with being one.:R{You display the wonderful traits of charm and courtesy.Q-You dialed 5483.7PuYou definitely intend to start living sometime soon.MOYou could live a better life, if you had a better mind and a better body..NcYou can rent this space for only $5 a week.\M=You can do very well in speculation where land or anything to do with dirt is concerned.SL+You can create your own opportunities this week. Blackmail a senior executive.SK+You attempt things that you do not even plan because of your extreme stupidity._JCYou are wise, witty, and wonderful, but you spend too much time reading this sort of trash. ag0f:ia5eqYou have Egyptian flu: you're going to be a mummy./deYou have been selected for a secret mission.McYou have an unusual understanding of the problems of human relationships.KbYou have an unusual equipment for success. Be sure to use it properly.Ba You have an ambitious nature and may make a name for yourself.6`sYou have an ability to sense and know higher truth.P_%You have a will that can be influenced by all with whom you come in contact.)^YYou have a truly strong individuality.M]You have a strong desire for a home and your family interests come first.8\wYou have a strong appeal for members of your own sex.<[You have a strong appeal for members of the opposite sex.4ZoYou have a deep interest in all that is artistic.6YsYou have a deep appreciation of the arts and music.]X?You had some happiness once, but your parents moved away, and you had to leave it behind. xyA"R i*xPt%You may be gone tomorrow, but that doesn't mean that you weren't here today.2skYou love your home and want it to be beautiful.r+You love peace.q+You look tired.fYou have had a long-term stimulation relative to business. 7w4L k7GYou recoil from the crude; you tend naturally toward the exquisite.O#You prefer the company of the opposite sex, but are well liked by your own.AYou possess a mind not merely twisted, but actually sprained.Q'You plan things that you do not even attempt because of your extreme caution..~cYou own a dog, but you can only feed a cat.};You now have Asian Flu.Q|'You never know how many friends you have until you rent a house on the beach.<{You never hesitate to tackle the most difficult problems.Rz)You need no longer worry about the future. This time tomorrow you'll be dead.4yoYou need more time; and you probably always will.Yx7You may worry about your hair-do today, but tomorrow much peanut butter will be sold.@wYou may get an opportunity for advancement today. Watch it!%vQYou may be recognized soon. Hide.^uAYou may be infinitely smaller than some things, but you're infinitely larger than others. -!oKg-7uYou will be audited by the Internal Revenue Service.MYou will be aided greatly by a person whom you thought to be unimportant.KYou will be advanced socially, without any special effort on your part.C You will be a winner today. Pick a fight with a four-year-old.? You will attract cultured and artistic people to your home.; }You will always have good luck in your personal affairs.L You will always get the greatest recognition for the job you least like.R )You two ought to be more careful--your love could drag on for years and years." KYou too can wear a nose mitten..cYou teach best what you most need to learn.@You single-handedly fought your way into this hopeless mess.3You should go home.\=You should emulate your heros, but don't carry it too far. Especially if they are dead..cYou shall be rewarded for a dastardly deed.LYou seek to shield those you love and you like the role of the provider. +G w%f:d+6"sYou will be singled out for promotion in your work.!!IYou will be run over by a bus.( WYou will be run over by a beer truck.EYou will be reincarnated as a toad; and you will be much happier.<You will be recognized and honored as a community leader.)YYou will be misunderstood by everyone.%QYou will be married within a year.?You will be married within a year, and divorced within two.R)You will be imprisoned for contributing your time and skill to a bank robbery.O#You will be honored for contributing your time and skill to a worthy cause./eYou will be held hostage by a radical group.8wYou will be given a post of trust and responsibility.&SYou will be divorced within a year.7uYou will be called upon to help a friend in trouble.>You will be awarded the Nobel Peace Prize... posthumously.(WYou will be awarded some great honor.JYou will be awarded a medal for disregarding safety in saving someone. QT%r;e9 uQ!5IYou will get what you deserve.,4_You will gain money by an immoral action.,3_You will gain money by an illegal action.32mYou will gain money by a speculation or lottery.-1aYou will gain money by a fattening action.)0YYou will forget that you ever knew me../cYou will feel hungry again in another hour.C. You will experience a strong urge to do good; but it will pass.5-qYou will engage in a profitable business activity.$,OYou will contract a rare disease.4+oYou will become rich and famous unless you don't.2*kYou will be winged by an anti-aircraft battery.3)mYou will be traveling and coming into a fortune.E(You will be Told about it Tomorrow. Go Home and Prepare Thyself.,'_You will be the victim of a bizarre joke.1&iYou will be the last person to buy a Chrysler.$%OYou will be surrounded by luxury.)$YYou will be surprised by a loud noise."#KYou will be successful in love. 0>X-| t0AEYou will obey or molten silver will be poured into your ears.6DsYou will not be elected to public office this year.CCYou will never know hunger.OB#You will meet an important person who will help you advance professionally.YA7You will lose your present job and have to become a door to door mayonnaise salesman.+@]You will live to see your grandchildren.E?You will live a long, healthy, happy life and make bags of money.8>wYou will inherit some money or a small piece of land.(=WYou will inherit millions of dollars.C< You will hear good news from one you thought unfriendly to you.';UYou will have long and healthy life.7:uYou will have good luck and overcome many hardships.99yYou will have domestic happiness and faithful friends.H8You will have a long and unpleasant discussion with your supervisor.(7WYou will have a long and boring life.I6You will give someone a piece of your mind, which you can ill afford. >yb!k3w>6UsYou will win success in whatever calling you adopt..TcYou will visit the Dung Pits of Glive soon.$SOYou will triumph over your enemy.aRGYou will stop at nothing to reach your objective, but only because your brakes are defective.5QqYou will step on the night soil of many countries.MPYou will soon meet a person who will play an important role in your life.OAYou will soon forget this.CN You will remember something that you should not have forgotten.>MYou will receive a legacy which will place you above want.MLYou will reach the highest possible point in your business or profession.8KwYou will probably marry after a very brief courtship.-JaYou will pioneer the first Martian colony.YI7You will pay for your sins. If you have already paid, please disregard this message.#HMYou will pass away very quickly.7GuYou will overcome the attacks of jealous associates.$FOYou will outgrow your usefulness. 5Uu^)5Oe#You're currently going through a difficult transition period called 'Life.'Cd You're being followed. Cut out the hanky-panky for a few days.'cUYou're at the end of the road again./beYou're almost as happy as you think you are.2akYou're a card which will have to be dealt with.V`1You'll wish that you had done some of the hard things when they were easier to do.+_]You'll never be the man your mother was!5^qYou'll feel much better once you've given up hope.U]/You'll feel devilish tonight. Toss dynamite caps under a flamenco dancer's heel.\1You'll be sorry...N[!You'll be called to a post requiring ability in handling groups of people.kYou've been leading a dog's life. Stay off the furniture.Dj You're working under a slight handicap. You happen to be human.1iiYou're ugly and your mother dresses you funny.GhYou're not my type. For that matter, you're not even my species!!!_gCYou're growing out of some of your problems, but there are others that you're growing into.Rf)You're definitely on their list. The question to ask next is what list it is. HlA~Rc5HQ'Your mode of life will be changed for the better because of new developments.O#Your mode of life will be changed for the better because of good news soon.D Your lucky number is 3552664958674928. Watch for it everywhere.+]Your lucky number has been disconnected.CYour lucky color has faded.+~]Your lover will never wish to leave you.)}YYour love life will be... interesting./|eYour love life will be happy and harmonious.?{Your life would be very empty if you had nothing to regret.)zYYour ignorance cramps my conversation.By Your heart is pure, and your mind clear, and your soul devout.@xYour goose is cooked. (Your current chick is burned up too!)8wwYour fly might be open (but don't check it just now).(vWYour domestic life may be harmonious.IuYour depth of comprehension may tend to make you lax in worldly ways.EtYour business will go through a period of considerable expansion. dV =V*d1iChaos is King and Magic is loose in the world.S+Your temporary financial embarrassment will be relieved in a surprising manner.9yYour talents will be recognized and suitably rewarded.)YYour supervisor is thinking about you.& SYour step will soil many countries.B  Your society will be sought by people of taste and refinement.- aYour sister swims out to meet troop ships.F Your reasoning powers are good, and you are a fairly good planner.S +Your reasoning is excellent -- it's only your basic assumptions that are wrong.)YYour present plans will be successful.GYour own qualities will help prevent your advancement in the world.JYour object is to save the world, while still leading a pleasant life.>Your nature demands love and your happiness depends on it.fQYour motives for doing whatever good deed you may have in mind will be misinterpreted by somebody. -NS h_-/eA dwarf is passing out somewhere in Detroit!Z9What use is magic if it can't save a unicorn? -- Peter S. Beagle, 'The Last Unicorn'EWhat is a magician but a practising theorist? -- Obi-Wan KenobiaGUsing words to describe magic is like using a screwdriver to cut roast beef. -- Tom Robbins<Somewhere, just out of sight, the unicorns are gathering.cKNo matter how subtle the wizard, a knife in the shoulder blades will seriously cramp his style.C Magic is always the best solution -- especially reliable magic.O#Knowledge is power -- knowledge shared is power lost. -- Aleister CrowleyJDo what thou wilt shall be the whole of the Law. -- Aleister CrowleyY7'Do not meddle in the affairs of wizards, for you are crunchy and good with ketchup.'W3Do not throw cigarette butts in the urinal, for they are subtle and quick to anger.U/Do not meddle in the affairs of wizards, for they become soggy and hard to light. FNh9"h,cF.;Are we live or on tape?1-iAre the STEWED PRUNES still in the HAIR DRYER?U,/ANN JILLIAN'S HAIR makes LONI ANDERSON'S HAIR look like RICARDO MONTALBAN'S HAIR!:+{And furthermore, my bowling average is unimpeachable!!!9*yAn Italian is COMBING his hair in suburban DES MOINES!J)An INK-LING? Sure -- TAKE one!! Did you BUY any COMMUNIST UNIFORMS??1(iAn air of FRENCH FRIES permeates my nostrils!!'/Am I SHOPLIFTING?&EAm I in GRADUATE SCHOOL yet?%/Am I elected yet?,$_Am I accompanied by a PARENT or GUARDIAN?I#Alright, you!! Imitate a WOUNDED SEAL pleading for a PARKING SPACE!!I"All this time I've been VIEWING a RUSSIAN MIDGET SODOMIZE a HOUSECAT!K!All right, you degenerates! I want this place evacuated in 20 seconds!1 iAll of life is a blur of Republicans and meat!6sActually, what I'd like is a little toy spaceship!!B A shapely CATHOLIC SCHOOLGIRL is FIDGETING inside my costume.. ks, v[#k&@SBut they went to MARS around 1953!!H?Boys, you have ALL been selected to LEAVE th' PLANET in 15 minutes!!#>MBoy, am I glad it's only 1971...==Bo Derek ruined my life!5<q... bleakness ... desolation ... plastic forks ...L;BI-BI-BI-BI-BI-BI-BI-BI-BI-BI-BI-BI-BI-BI-BI-BI-BI-BI-BI-BI-BI-BI-BI-BI-!:IBELA LUGOSI is my co-pilot ...D9 Being a BALD HERO is almost as FESTIVE as a TATTOOED KNOCKWURST.^8ABARRY ... That was the most HEART-WARMING rendition of 'I DID IT MY WAY' I've ever heard!!&7SBARBARA STANWYCK makes me nervous!!/6eAwright, which one of you hid my PENIS ENVY?75uAs President I have to go vacuum my coin collection!4CAre you still an ALCOHOLIC?D3 Are you selling NYLON OIL WELLS?? If so, we can use TWO DOZEN!!'2UAre you mentally here at Pizza Hut??.1cAre we THERE yet? My MIND is a SUBMARINE!!0/Are we THERE yet?/7Are we on STRIKE yet? \s+a>t9|\QADo I have a lifestyle yet?I am having FUN... I wonder if it's NET FUN or GROSS FUN?B I am deeply CONCERNED and I want something GOOD for BREAKFAST!HI am covered with pure vegetable oil and I am writing a best seller!II am a traffic light, and Alan Ginzberg kidnapped my laundry in 1927!+ ]I am a jelly donut. I am a jelly donut.2 kI always have fun because I'm out of my mind!!!B  HUMAN REPLICAS are inserted into VATS of NUTRITIONAL YEAST ... M?E GMZ,9I have seen these EGG EXTENDERS in my Supermarket ... I have read the INSTRUCTIONS ...+?-- I have seen the FUN --'*U... I have read the INSTRUCTIONS ...$)OI have many CHARTS and DIAGRAMS..*([I have accepted Provolone into my life!H'I have a VISION! It's a RANCID double-FISHWICH on an ENRICHED BUN!!.&cI have a very good DENTAL PLAN. Thank you. %GI have a TINY BOWL in my HEAD#$MI had pancake makeup for brunch!6#sI had a lease on an OEDIPUS COMPLEX back in '81 ...B" I guess you guys got BIG MUSCLES from doing too much STUDYING!E!I guess it was all a DREAM ... or an episode of HAWAII FIVE-O ...! II feel partially hydrogenated!FI feel like I'm in a Toilet Bowl with a thumbtack in my forehead!!EI feel like I am sharing a ``CORN-DOG'' with NIKITA KHRUSCHEV ...-aI feel like a wet parking meter on Darvon!*[I feel better about world problems now!9I feel ... JUGULAR ... 70rEbt_7%<QI know how to do SPECIAL EFFECTS!!;+I Know A Joke!!W:3I KAISER ROLL?! What good is a Kaiser Roll without a little COLE SLAW on the SIDE?,9_I just remembered something about a TOAD!b8II just heard the SEVENTIES were over!! And I was just getting in touch with my LEISURE SUIT!!<7I just had my entire INTESTINAL TRACT coated with TEFLON!6;I just had a NOSE JOB!!R5)I just got my PRINCE bumper sticker ... But now I can't remember WHO he is .../4eI just forgot my whole philosophy of life!!!*3[I joined scientology at a garage sale!! 2GI invented skydiving in 1989!^1AI hope you millionaires are having fun! I just invested half your life savings in yeast!!70uI hope the ``Eurythmics'' practice birth control ...M/I hope something GOOD came in the mail today so I have a REASON to live!!5.qI hope I bought the right relish ... zzzzzzzzz ...E-I have the power to HALT PRODUCTION on all TEENAGE SEX COMEDIES!! -Z ?c M-LAI smell a RANCID CORN DOG!HKI selected E5 ... but I didn't hear 'Sam the Sham and the Pharoahs'!JA... I see TOILET SEATS ...3ImI request a weekend in Havana with Phil Silvers!H;I represent a sardine!!UG/I put aside my copy of 'BOWLING WORLD' and think about GUN CONTROL legislation...?FI own seven-eighths of all the artists in downtown Burbank!DE I once decorated my apartment entirely in ten foot salad forks!!PD%I need to discuss BUY-BACK PROVISIONS with at least six studio SLEAZEBALLS!!KCI love ROCK 'N ROLL! I memorized the all WORDS to 'WIPE-OUT' in 1965!![B;-- I love KATRINKA because she drives a PONTIAC. We're going away now. I fed the cat.ACI like your SNOOPY POSTER!!K@I like the way ONLY their mouths move ... They look like DYING OYSTERS%?QI left my WALLET in the BATHROOM!!A>I know things about TROY DONAHUE that can't even be PRINTED!!7=uI know th'MAMBO!! I have a TWO-TONE CHEMISTRY SET!! g3NTg@Z... I want to perform cranial activities with Tuesday Weld!!EYI want to kill everyone here with a cute colorful Hydrogen Bomb!!_XCI want to dress you up as TALLULAH BANKHEAD and cover you with VASELINE and WHEAT THINS ...HWI want the presidency so bad I can already taste the hors d'oeuvres.[V;... I want FORTY-TWO TRYNEL FLOATATION SYSTEMS installed within SIX AND A HALF HOURS!!!NU!I want EARS! I want two ROUND BLACK EARS to make me feel warm 'n secure!!/TeI want another RE-WRITE on my CEASAR SALAD!!SCI want a WESSON OIL lease!!9RyI want a VEGETARIAN BURRITO to go ... with EXTRA MSG!!1Qi... I want a COLOR T.V. and a VIBRATING BED!!!PEI think my career is ruined!\O=... I think I'd better go back to my DESK and toy with a few common MISAPPREHENSIONS ...2NkI think I am an overnight sensation right now!!6MsI smell like a wet reducing clinic on Columbus Day! E$cW$qE)iYI'll eat ANYTHING that's BRIGHT BLUE!!>hI'd like some JUNK FOOD ... and then I want to be ALONE --2gkI'd like MY data-base JULIENNED and stir-fried!:f{I would like to urinate in an OVULAR, porcelain pool --0egI wonder if there's anything GOOD on tonight?.dcI wonder if I should put myself in ESCROW!!Sc+I wonder if I ought to tell them about my PREVIOUS LIFE as a COMPLETE STRANGER?I'm having fun HITCHHIKING to CINCINNATI or FAR ROCKAWAY!!cKI'm having BEAUTIFUL THOUGHTS about the INSIPID WIVES of smug and wealthy CORPORATE LAWYERS ...\=I'm having an EMOTIONAL OUTBURST!! But, uh, WHY is there a WAFFLE in my PAJAMA POCKET??%~QI'm having an emotional outburst!!F}I'm having a tax-deductible experience! I need an energy crunch!!D| I'm having a RELIGIOUS EXPERIENCE ... and I don't take any DRUGS {GI'm having a MID-WEEK CRISIS!!zII'm having a BIG BANG THEORY!!AyI'm gliding over a NUCLEAR WASTE DUMP near ATLANTA, Georgia!! R`ImK8RO#I'm young ... I'm HEALTHY ... I can HIKE THRU CAPT GROGAN'S LUMBAR REGIONS!3I'm wet! I'm wild!7I'm wearing PAMPERS!!]?I'm using my X-RAY VISION to obtain a rare glimpse of the INNER WORKINGS of this POTATO!!Q'I'm totally DESPONDENT over the LIBYAN situation and the price of CHICKEN ...[;I'm thinking about DIGITAL READ-OUT systems and computer-generated IMAGE FORMATIONS ...^AI'm sitting on my SPEED QUEEN ... To me, it's ENJOYABLE ... I'm WARM ... I'm VIBRATORY ...EI'm shaving!! I'M SHAVING!!R )I'm reporting for duty as a modern person. I want to do the Latin Hustle now!N !I'm RELIGIOUS!! I love a man with a HAIRPIECE!! Equip me with MISSILES!!3 mI'm receiving a coded message from EUBIE BLAKE!! /I'm rated PG-34!!U /I'm pretending that we're all watching PHIL SILVERS instead of RICARDO MONTALBAN!EI'm pretending I'm pulling in a TROUT! Am I doing it correctly?? xQ t+ Q"'If Robert Di Niro assassinates Walter Slezak, will Jodie Foster marry Bonzo??1!iIf our behavior is strict, we do not need fun! Cif it GLISTENS, gobble it!!FIf I pull this SWITCH I'll be RITA HAYWORTH!! Or a SCIENTOLOGIST!N!... If I had heart failure right now, I couldn't be a more fortunate man!!D If I had a Q-TIP, I could prevent th' collapse of NEGOTIATIONS!!B If I felt any more SOPHISTICATED I would DIE of EMBARRASSMENT!D If I am elected no one will ever have to do their laundry again!S+If elected, Zippy pledges to each and every American a 55-year-old houseboy ..."KI've read SEVEN MILLION books!!bII've got an IDEA!! Why don't I STARE at you so HARD, you forget your SOCIAL SECURITY NUMBER!!:{I've got a COUSIN who works in the GARMENT DISTRICT ...HI'm ZIPPY the PINHEAD and I'm totally committed to the festive mode. ag"O)W& aT1-It was a JOKE!! Get it?? I was receiving messages from DAVID LETTERMAN!! YOW!!60sIt don't mean a THING if you ain't got that SWING!!/5Isn't this my STOP?!.7Is this TERMINAL fun?.-cIs this going to involve RAW human ecstasy?.,cIs this an out-take from the 'BRADY BUNCH'?9+yIs something VIOLENT going to happen to a GARBAGE CAN?b*IIs it NOUVELLE CUISINE when 3 olives are struggling with a scallop in a plate of SAUCE MORNAY?#)MIs it clean in other dimensions?X(5Is it 1974? What's for SUPPER? Can I spend my COLLEGE FUND in one wild afternoon??S'+Is a tattoo real, like a curb or a battleship? Or are we suffering in Safeway?&EInside, I'm already SOBBING!B% INSIDE, I have the same personality disorder as LUCY RICARDO!!5$qIn Newark the laundromats are open 24 hours a day!^#AIn 1962, you could buy a pair of SHARKSKIN SLACKS, with a 'Continental Belt,' for $10.99!! M_WH }M-@aLoni Anderson's hair should be LEGALIZED!!L?Like I always say -- nothing can beat the BRATWURST here in DUSSELDORF!!;>}Life is a POPULARITY CONTEST! I'm REFRESHINGLY CANDID!!;=}Let's send the Russians defective lifestyle accessories!I<Let's all show human CONCERN for REVERAND MOON's legal difficulties!!0;gLet me do my TRIBUTE to FISHNET STOCKINGS ...1:iLBJ, LBJ, how many JOKES did you tell today??!Y97Kids, don't gross me off ... 'Adventures with MENTAL HYGIENE' can be carried too FAR!%8QJesus is my POSTMASTER GENERAL .../7eJesuit priests are DATING CAREER DIPLOMATS!!g6SJAPAN is a WONDERFUL planet -- I wonder if we'll ever reach their level of COMPARATIVE SHOPPING ...A5It's the RINSE CYCLE!! They've ALL IGNORED the RINSE CYCLE!!)4YIt's OKAY -- I'm an INTELLECTUAL, too.,3_It's NO USE ... I've gone to 'CLUB MED'!!C2 It's a lot of fun being alive ... I wonder if my bed is made?!? 5V&05PM%My CODE of ETHICS is vacationing at famed SCHROON LAKE in upstate New York!!aLGMy BIOLOGICAL ALARM CLOCK just went off ... It has noiseless DOZE FUNCTION and full kitchen!!AKMy Aunt MAUREEN was a military advisor to IKE & TINA TURNER!!eJOMr and Mrs PED, can I borrow 26.7% of the RAYON TEXTILE production of the INDONESIAN archipelago?'IUMMM-MM!! So THIS is BIO-NEBULATION!#HMMERYL STREEP is my obstetrician!;G}Maybe we could paint GOLDIE HAWN a rich PRUSSIAN BLUE --bFIMary Tyler Moore's SEVENTH HUSBAND is wearing my DACRON TANK TOP in a cheap hotel in HONOLULU!+E]Make me look like LINDA RONSTADT again!!YD7LOOK!! Sullen American teens wearing MADRAS shorts and 'Flock of Seagulls' HAIRCUTS!>CLook! A ladder! Maybe it leads to heaven, or a sandwich!KBLook into my eyes and try to forget that you have a Macy's charge card!YA7Look DEEP into the OPENINGS!! Do you see any ELVES or EDSELS ... or a HIGHBALL?? ... yqO&i:y;_}Nipples, dimples, knuckles, NICKLES, wrinkles, pimples!!;^}NEWARK has been REZONED!! DES MOINES has been REZONED!!#]MNANCY!! Why is everything RED?!\?My vaseline is RUNNING...H[My uncle Murray conquered Egypt in 53 B.C. And I can prove it too!!IZMy polyvinyl cowboy wallet was made in Hong Kong by Montgomery Clift!@YMy pants just went to high school in the Carlsbad Caverns!!!RX)... My pants just went on a wild rampage through a Long Island Bowling Alley!!W-My NOSE is NUMB!3VmMy nose feels like a bad Ronald Reagan movie ...+U]My mind is making ashtrays in Dayton ... TGMy mind is a potato field ...SAMy life is a patio of fun!&RSMy LESLIE GORE record is BROKEN ...QEMY income is ALL disposable!%PQMy haircut is totally traditional!LOMy face is new, my license is expired, and I'm under a doctor's care!!!!N1My EARS are GONE!! bWL e.bglSOKAY!! Turn on the sound ONLY for TRYNEL CARPETING, FULLY-EQUIPPED R.V.'S and FLOATATION SYSTEMS!!_kCOkay ... I'm going home to write the 'I HATE RUBIK's CUBE HANDBOOK FOR DEAD CAT LOVERS' ...4joOh, I get it!! 'The BEACH goes on', huh, SONNY??7iuOh my GOD -- the SUN just fell into YANKEE STADIUM!!Ch Of course, you UNDERSTAND about the PLAIDS in the SPIN CYCLE --#gMNow, let's SEND OUT for QUICHE!!>fNow that I have my 'APPLE', I comprehend COST ACCOUNTING!!JeNow KEN and BARBIE are PERMANENTLY ADDICTED to MIND-ALTERING DRUGS ...Sd+Now I'm concentrating on a specific tank battle toward the end of World War II!ecONow I'm being INVOLUNTARILY shuffled closer to the CLAM DIP with the BROKEN PLASTIC FORKS in it!!3bmNow I understand the meaning of 'THE MOD SQUAD'!a9Now I am depressed ...T`-Not SENSUOUS ... only 'FROLICSOME' ... and in need of DENTAL WORK ... in PAIN!!! +7W0qd1|+N}!Remember, in 2039, MOUSSE & PASTA will be available ONLY by prescription!!|#RELATIVES!!0{gQuick, sing me the BUDAPEST NATIONAL ANTHEM!!-zaPUNK ROCK!! DISCO DUCK!! BIRTH CONTROL!!>yPsychoanalysis?? I thought this was a nude rap session!!!0xgPlease come home with me ... I have Tylenol!! wPIZZA!!vEPeople humiliating a salami!JuPEGGY FLEMMING is stealing BASKET BALLS to feed the babies in VERMONT.MtPardon me, but do you know what it means to be TRULY ONE with your BOOTH!$sOPARDON me, am I speaking ENGLISH?Sr+OVER the underpass! UNDER the overpass! Around the FUTURE and BEYOND REPAIR!!4qoover in west Philadelphia a puppy is vomiting ...Pp%... or were you driving the PONTIAC that HONKED at me in MIAMI last Tuesday?To-ONE LIFE TO LIVE for ALL MY CHILDREN in ANOTHER WORLD all THE DAYS OF OUR LIVES.n=One FISHWICH coming up!!Qm'On the road, ZIPPY is a pinhead without a purpose, but never without a POINT. w5 k!1w( WThank god!! ... It's HENNY YOUNGMAN!!+ ]Th' MIND is the Pizza Palace of th' SOUL =TAILFINS!! ... click ...@ Spreading peanut butter reminds me of opera!! I wonder why?U/Somewhere in Tenafly, New Jersey, a chiropractor is viewing 'Leave it to Beaver'!KSomewhere in DOWNTOWN BURBANK a prostitute is OVERCOOKING a LAMB CHOP!!GSometime in 1993 NANCY SINATRA will lead a BLOODLESS COUP on GUAM!!GSomeone in DAYTON, Ohio is selling USED CARPETS to a SERBO-CROATIAN3mSo this is what it feels like to be potato salad/Sign my PETITION.P%Should I get locked in the PRINCICAL'S OFFICE today -- or have a VASECTOMY??'UShould I do my BOBBIE VINTON medley?]?SHHHH!! I hear SIX TATTOOED TRUCK-DRIVERS tossing ENGINE BLOCKS into empty OIL DRUMS ...Q'Send your questions to ``ASK ZIPPY'', Box 40474, San Francisco, CA 94140, USA~/RHAPSODY in Glue! 0Q<N }0JThis ASEXUAL PIG really BOILS my BLOOD ... He's so ... so ... URGENT!!KThey collapsed ... like nuns in the street ... they had no teen appeal!?These PRESERVES should be FORCE-FED to PENTAGON OFFICIALS!!>There's enough money here to buy 5000 cans of Noodle-Roni!IThe SAME WAVE keeps coming in and COLLAPSING like a rayon MUU-MUU ...S+The PINK SOCKS were ORIGINALLY from 1952!! But they went to MARS around 1953!!IThe PILLSBURY DOUGHBOY is CRYING for an END to BURT REYNOLDS movies!!LThe Osmonds! You are all Osmonds!! Throwing up on a freeway at dawn!!!?... the MYSTERIANS are in here with my CORDUROY SOAP DISH!!%QThe Korean War must have been fun.Y7... the HIGHWAY is made out of LIME JELLO and my HONDA is a barbequeued OYSTER! Yum!GThe FALAFEL SANDWICH lands on my HEAD and I become a VEGETARIAN ...b IThe entire CHINESE WOMEN'S VOLLEYBALL TEAM all share ONE personality -- and have since BIRTH!!pjjoty~ &,28>DJPV\bhntz "(.4:@FLRX^djpv|i jk%l0m<nHoVpbqnr{stu!v.w9xFyi jk%l0m<nHoVpbqnr{stu!v.w9xFySz^{k|w}~'2?M\iy +6EQ_l{".<Mg}*=Si'8Nau-?Ocz'1=GS^o'8IXgv *:ŠIÊWĊeŊtƋNjȋ"ɋ5ʋEˋŰe͋sΌόЌь.Ҍ@ӌQԌaՌo֌|׍ ؍ofKflrx~ &,28>DJPV\bhntz "(.4:@FLRX^djpv|ڍ<ۍL܍Zݍiލxߎ"1@M_l} ڍ<ۍL܍Zݍiލxߎ"1@M_l} '6GXix+8ER^jy!/<JXft & 4 C Q ] jv '9J\m{ ,=L]n| !"%#6$G%W&g'w()**+8,J-X.f/r012"324B5P6\7h8v9:;<*=6>B?O@[AiBwCDE F.G;HGIUJb '^x:xF R'('WUsed staples are good with SOY SAUCE!;&}UH-OH!! We're out of AUTOMOBILE PARTS and RUBBER GOODS!%%QUh-oh!! I'm having TOO MUCH FUN!!P$%UH-OH!! I put on 'GREAT HEAD-ON TRAIN COLLISIONS of the 50's' by mistake!!!8#wUh-oh!! I forgot to submit to COMPULSORY URINALYSIS!/"eTONY RANDALL! Is YOUR life a PATIO of FUN??]!?Today, THREE WINOS from DETROIT sold me a framed photo of TAB HUNTER before his MAKEOVER!_ CThousands of days of civilians ... have produced a ... feeling for the aesthetic modules --;}This PORCUPINE knows his ZIPCODE ... And he has 'VISA'!!9yThis PIZZA symbolizes my COMPLETE EMOTIONAL RECOVERY!!>... this must be what it's like to be a COLLEGE GRADUATE!!fQThis MUST be a good party -- My RIB CAGE is being painfully pressed up against someone's MARTINI!!:{This is a NO-FRILLS flight -- hold th' CANADIAN BACON!!bI'This is a job for BOB VIOLENCE and SCUM, the INCREDIBLY STUPID MUTANT DOG.' -- Bob Violence 0z,qF]U0"6KWhat PROGRAM are they watching?H5What I want to find out is -- do parrots know much about Astro-Turf??4What I need is a MATURE RELATIONSHIP with a FLOPPY DISK ...,3_What GOOD is a CARDBOARD suitcase ANYWAY?I2What a COINCIDENCE! I'm an authorized 'SNOOTS OF THE STARS' dealer!!91yWere these parsnips CORRECTLY MARINATED in TACO SAUCE?R0)Well, O.K. I'll compromise with my principles because of EXISTENTIAL DESPAIR!U//Well, I'm INVISIBLE AGAIN ... I might as well pay a visit to the LADIES ROOM ...(.WWe just joined the civil hair patrol!'-UWe have DIFFERENT amounts of HAIR --L,We are now enjoying total mutual interaction in an imaginary hot tub ...?+Was my SOY LOAF left out in th'RAIN? It tastes REAL GOOD!!K*Wait ... is this a FUN THING or the END of LIFE in Petticoat Junction??Q)'Vote for ME -- I'm well-tapered, half-cocked, ill-conceived and TAX-DEFERRED!/(eVICARIOUSLY experience some reason to LIVE!! 6^q@ |$w6>GWill the third world war keep 'Bosom Buddies' off the air? FGWill it improve my CASH FLOW?YE7Why is it that when you DIE, you can't take your HOME ENTERTAINMENT CENTER with you??+D]Why is everything made of Lycra Spandex?UC/Why don't you ever enter any CONTESTS, Marvin?? Don't you know your own ZIPCODE?6BsWhy are these athletic shoe salesmen following me??TA-WHOA!! Ken and Barbie are having TOO MUCH FUN!! It must be the NEGATIVE IONS!!1@iWHO sees a BEACH BUNNY sobbing on a SHAG RUG?!.?cWhere's the Coke machine? Tell me a joke!!#>MWhere's th' DAFFY DUCK EXHIBIT??=7Where's SANDY DUNCAN?#<MWhere does it go when you flush?;;}Where do your SOCKS go when you lose them in th' WASHER?E:When you get your PH.D. will you get able to work at BURGER KING?89wWhen this load is DONE I think I'll wash it AGAIN ...?8What's the MATTER Sid? ... Is your BEVERAGE unsatisfactory?"7KWhat UNIVERSE is this, please?? 8wW3B"vV8X=Yow! Am I in Milwaukee?WAYow! Am I having fun yet?VYow!NU!Youth of today! Join me in a mass rally for traditional mental attitudes!NT!Your CHEEKS sit like twin NECTARINES above a MOUTH that knows no BOUNDS --SAYou were s'posed to laugh!RR)You should all JUMP UP AND DOWN for TWO HOURS while I decide on a NEW CAREER!!"QKYOU PICKED KARL MALDEN'S NOSE!!;P}You mean you don't want to watch WRESTLING from ATLANTA?6OsYou can't hurt me!! I have an ASSUMABLE MORTGAGE!!XN5Yes, but will I see the EASTER BUNNY in skintight leather at an IRON MAIDEN concert?6MsXerox your lunch and file it under 'sex offenders'!8LwWow! Look!! A stray meatball!! Let's interview it!RK)World War Three can be averted by adherence to a strictly enforced dress code!JAWorld War III? No thanks!?IWith YOU, I can be MYSELF ... We don't NEED Dan Rather ...DH Will this never-ending series of PLEASURABLE EVENTS never cease? `}O XU`&iSYow! Now we can become alcoholics!EhYow! Maybe I should have asked for my Neutron Bomb in PAISLEY --IgYow! It's some people inside the wall! This is better than mopping!5fqYow! It's a hole all the way to downtown Burbank!?eYow! Is this sexual intercourse yet?? Is it, huh, is it??-daYow! Is my fallout shelter termite proof?:c{Yow! I'm imagining a surfer van filled with soy sauce!Qb'Yow! I'm having a quadrophonic sensation of two winos alone in a steel mill!9ayYow! I want to mail a bronzed artichoke to Nicaragua!"`KYow! I want my nose in lights!!_IYow! I threw up on my window!,^_Yow! I just went below the poverty line!@]Yow! Did something bad happen or am I in a drive-in movie??+\]Yow! Are you the self-frying president?[7Yow! Are we wet yet?ZCYow! Are we laid back yet?DY Yow! And then we could sit on the hoods of cars at stop lights! Ge'a**GUx/A continuing flow of paper is sufficient to continue the flow of paper. -- Dyer*w[A company is known by the men it keeps.[v;A commune is where people join together to share their lack of wealth. -- R. StallmanTu-A committee is a group that keeps the minutes and loses hours. -- Milton BerleLtA businessman is a hybrid of a dancer and a calculator. -- Paul ValeryWs3A budget is just a method of worrying before you spend money, as well as afterward.4roA boss with no humor is like a job that's no fun.qAYOW!!! I am having fun!!!'pUYOW!! Up ahead! It's a DONUT HUT!!'oUYOW!! The land of the rising SONY!!On#YOW!! Now I understand advanced MICROBIOLOGY and th' new TAX REFORM laws!!;m}YOW!! I'm in a very clever and adorable INSANE ASYLUM!!,l_YOW!! Everybody out of the GENETIC POOL!$kOYow! We're going to a new disco!Bj Yow! Those people look exactly like Donnie and Marie Osmond!! :R U(P:T-Advertising is the rattling of a stick inside a swill bucket. -- George OrwellZ9According to all the latest reports, there was no truth in any of the earlier reports._CAbout the time we think we can make ends meet, somebody moves the ends. -- Herbert HooverP%A verbal contract isn't worth the paper it's written on. -- Samuel GoldwynO#A rock store eventually closed down; they were taking too much for granite.0gA mouse is an elephant built by the Japanese.*~[A motion to adjourn is always in order.b}IA memorandum is written not to inform the reader, but to protect the writer. -- Dean AchesonO|#A meeting is an event at which the minutes are kept and the hours are lost.C{ A man is known by the company he organizes. -- Ambrose BierceJzA good supervisor can step on your toes without messing up your shine.^yAA freelance is one who gets paid by the word -- per piece or perhaps. -- Robert Benchley 1R ;~%u1ABusiness will be either better or worse. -- Calvin Coolidge%QBody by Nautilus, Brain by Mattel.)Biz is better.=Been Transferred Lately?S+Be sociable. Speak to the person next to you in the unemployment line tomorrow.V1At these prices, I lose money -- but I make it up in volume. -- Peter G. Alaquon9 y'At least they're ___________EXPERIENCED incompetents'. cAnything free is worth what you pay for it.M Anyone can make an omelet with eggs. The trick is to make one with none.E Anyone can hold the helm when the sea is calm. -- Publius Syrus0 gAmerica works less, when you say 'Union Yes!'T-All warranty and guarantee clauses become null and void upon payment of invoice.B All I ask is a chance to prove that money can't make me happy.aGAfter any salary raise, you will have less money at the end of the month than you did before.GAfter all is said and done, a hell of a lot more is said than done. p_*}.pW3Don't tell me how hard you work. Tell me how much you get done. -- James J. LingaGDon't steal; thou'lt never thus compete successfully in business. Cheat. -- Ambrose BierceLDon't be irreplaceable, if you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.KDespite all appearances, your boss is a thinking, feeling, human being.\=Credit ... is the only enduring testimonial to man's confidence in man. -- James BlishaGConsultants are mystical people who ask a company for a number and then give it back to them.cK'Consequences, Schmonsequences, as long as I'm rich.' -- 'Ali Baba Bunny' [1957, Chuck Jones]9Chairman of the Bored.LCan anything be sadder than work left unfinished? Yes, work never begun.KCan anyone remember when the times were not hard, and money not scarce?P%'But don't you worry, its for a cause -- feeding global corporations' paws.' JeDLIlJ+EFast, cheap, good: pick two.H*Failure is more frequently from want of energy than want of capital.@)Exceptions prove the rule, and wreck the budget. -- MillerL(Everybody likes a kidder, but nobody lends him money. -- Arthur Millerg'SEvery young man should have a hobby: learning how to handle money is the best one. -- Jack Hurleyf&QEvery successful person has had failures but repeated failure is no guarantee of eventual success.-%a'Every man has his price. Mine is $3.95.'R$)Every cloud has a silver lining; you should have sold it, and bought titanium.c#KEver notice that even the busiest people are never too busy to tell you just how busy they are?:"{Earn cash in your spare time -- blackmail your friends.!CDrilling for oil is boring.; }Dreams are free, but you get soaked on the connect time.Z9'Don't tell me I'm burning the candle at both ends -- tell me where to get more wax!!' El(Q)EA8He who has but four and spends five has no need for a wallet.J7He has not acquired a fortune; the fortune has acquired him. -- BionP6%Hard work never killed anybody, but why take a chance? -- Charlie McCarthy%5QHappiness is a positive cash flow.K4Good salesmen and good repairmen will never go hungry. -- R.E. Schenk*3[Good day to avoid cops. Crawl to work.Y27God helps them that help themselves. -- Benjamin Franklin, 'Poor Richard's Almanac'A1God help those who do not help themselves. -- Wilson MiznerF0Genius is ten percent inspiration and fifty percent capital gains.c/KGenius is one percent inspiration and ninety-nine percent perspiration. -- Thomas Alva Edisonb.IFor every bloke who makes his mark, there's half a dozen waiting to rub it out. -- Andy CappG-Feel disillusioned? I've got some great new illusions, right here!3,mFear is the greatest salesman. -- Robert Klein _fxN_TE-I go on working for the same reason a hen goes on laying eggs. -- H.L. MenckenCD I don't do it for the money. -- Donald Trump, Art of the DealOC#I cannot draw a cart, nor eat dried oats; If it be man's work I will do it.FBI am more bored than you could ever possibly be. Go back to work.JAHuman resources are human first, and resources second. -- J. Garbers3@m 'How many people work here?' 'Oh, about half.'[?;How come financial advisors never seem to be as wealthy as they claim they'll make you??>How come everyone's going so slow if it's called rush hour?Z=9Honesty pays, but it doesn't seem to pay enough to suit some people. -- F.M. HubbardL<Honesty is for the most part less profitable than dishonesty. -- Plato ;GHire the morally handicapped.<:He who steps on others to reach the top has good balance.59qHe who is content with his lot probably has a lot. MRsC hMQR'If bankers can count, how come they have eight windows and only four tellers?+Q]If all else fails, lower your standards.HPIf a thing's worth having, it's worth cheating for. -- W.C. FieldsKOIf a thing's worth doing, it is worth doing badly. -- G.K. ChestertonTN-I've got all the money I'll ever need if I die by 4 o'clock. -- Henny YoungmanJMI'd rather just believe that it's done by little elves running around.4LoI'd rather be led to hell than managed to heavan.-KaI owe the public nothing. -- J.P. MorganFJI like work; it fascinates me; I can sit and look at it for hours.III just need enough to tide me over until I need more. -- Bill HoestGHI just asked myself... what would John DeLorean do? -- Raoul DukeRG)I have ways of making money that you know nothing of. -- John D. RockefellerVF1I have the simplest tastes. I am always satisfied with the best. -- Oscar Wilde 1_)j1M^If you didn't have to work so hard, you'd have more time to be depressed.D] If you can't learn to do it well, learn to enjoy doing it badly.G\If you can't get your work done in the first 24 hours, work nights.U[/If you can count your money, you don't have a billion dollars. -- J. Paul GettyQZ'If you aren't rich you should always look useful. -- Louis-Ferdinand CelineZY9If you are over 80 years old and accompanied by your parents, we will cash your check.fXQIf you are good, you will be assigned all the work. If you are real good, you will get out of it.YW7If you always postpone pleasure you will never have it. Quit work and play for once!FVIf money can't buy happiness, I guess you'll just have to rent it.3UmIf it's worth doing, it's worth doing for money.HTIf I want your opinion, I'll ask you to fill out the necessary form.SS+If God had not given us sticky tape, it would have been necessary to invent it. cT,cbcQj'In every hierarchy the cream rises until it sours. -- Dr. Laurence J. PeterZi9In case of injury notify your superior immediately. He'll kiss it and make it better.KhIn case of atomic attack, all work rules will be temporarily suspended.Rg)If you would know the value of money, go try to borrow some. -- Ben FranklinAfIf you want to put yourself on the map, publish your own map.eeOIf you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments. -- Earl Wilson*d[If you suspect a man, don't employ him.:c{If you have to ask how much it is, you can't afford it.\b=If you had better tools, you could more effectively demonstrate your total incompetence.%aQIf you fail to plan, plan to fail.^`AIf you don't have time to do it right, where are you going to find the time to do it over?H_If you do something right once, someone will ask you to do it again. PR =G PKyLavish spending can be disastrous. Don't buy any lavishes for a while..xcKeep your boss's boss off your boss's back.;w}Keep up the good work! But please don't ask me to help.7vuJust because he's dead is no reason to lay off work.Zu9It's fabulous! We haven't seen anything like it in the last half an hour! -- Macy's0tgIt's been a business doing pleasure with you.,s_It's a poor workman who blames his tools.4roIt is much harder to find a job than to keep one.GqIt is difficult to soar with the eagles when you work with turkeys.QOur policy is, when in doubt, do the right thing. -- Roy L. Ash, ex-president, Litton Industriesa=GOptimism is the content of small men in high places. -- F. Scott Fitzgerald, 'The Crack Up' bUu1Mb1XiSome people carve careers, others chisel them.QW'So... did you ever wonder, do garbagemen take showers before they go to work?`VEShow me a man who is a good loser and I'll show you a man who is playing golf with his boss.0UgServing coffee on aircraft causes turbulence.T7Sears has everything.2SkRiches cover a multitude of woes. -- Menander^RARetirement means that when someone says 'Have a nice day', you actually have a shot at it.AQRemember, even if you win the rat race -- you're still a rat.-PaRemember to say hello to your bank teller.:O{Remember -- only 10% of anything can be in the top 10%.1NiRecent investments will yield a slight profit._Suggest you just sit there and wait till life gets easier.J^Success is something I will dress for when I get there, and not until.-]aSomeone is unenthusiastic about your work.,\_Someday your prints will come. -- Kodak@[Some people pray for more than they are willing to work for.oThe decision doesn't have to be logical; it was unanimous.KnThe cost of living is going up, and the chance of living is going down.5mqThe cost of living hasn't affected its popularity.3lmThe cost of feathers has risen, even down is up!Yk7The biggest mistake you can make is to believe that you are working for someone else.Pj%The best way to avoid responsibility is to say, 'I've got responsibilities.'6isThe best things in life go on sale sooner or later.)hYThe best things in life are for a fee.LgThe best laid plans of mice and men are held up in the legal department. -#lJ-;The meek don't want it.aGThe major difference between bonds and bond traders is that the bonds will eventually mature.4oThe longer the title, the less important the job.7~uThe idle man does not know what it is to enjoy rest.b}IThe hardest part of climbing the ladder of success is getting through the crowd at the bottom.L|The greatest productive force is human selfishness. -- Robert HeinleinI{The gent who wakes up and finds himself a success hasn't been asleep.JzThe flush toilet is the basis of Western civilization. -- Alan CoultVy1The first rule of intelligent tinkering is to save all the parts. -- Paul Erlich[x;The first Rotarian was the first man to call John the Baptist 'Jack.' -- H.L. MenckencwKThe first 90% of a project takes 90% of the time, the last 10% takes the other 90% of the time.7vuThe finest eloquence is that which gets things done.:u{The faster I go, the behinder I get. -- Lewis Carroll ,c_SN, EThe other line moves faster.e OThe opulence of the front office door varies inversely with the fundamental solvency of the firm.? The optimum committee has no members. -- Norman AugustineX 5The opossum is a very sophisticated animal. It doesn't even get up until 5 or 6 PM.\ =The only problem with being a man of leisure is that you can never stop and take a rest.EThe one day you'd sell your soul for something, souls are a glut.bIThe more I want to get something done, the less I call it work. -- Richard Bach, 'Illusions'FThe more crap you put up with, the more crap you are going to get.eOThe meek shall inherit the earth; but by that time there won't be anything left worth inheriting.P%The meek shall inherit the Earth. (But they're gonna have to fight for it.)S+The meek shall inherit the earth, but *not* its mineral rights. -- J.P. GettyD The meek shall inherit the earth -- they are too weak to refuse. 'Y])1l'B The trouble with being poor is that it takes up all your time.O#The trouble with a lot of self-made men is that they worship their creator.*[The star of riches is shining upon you.C The sooner you fall behind, the more time you have to catch up.U/The shortest distance between two points is under construction. -- Noelie AlitoV1The rich get rich, and the poor get poorer. The haves get more, the have-nots die.D The reward of a thing well done is to have done it. -- Emerson1iThe reward for working hard is more hard work.Y7The reason why worry kills more people than work is that more people worry than work.V1The possession of a book becomes a substitute for reading it. -- Anthony BurgessD The person who's taking you to lunch has no intention of paying.D The person who makes no mistakes does not usually make anything.]?The person who can smile when something goes wrong has thought of someone to blame it on. e8> eF&There is never time to do it right, but always time to do it over.%1Them as has, gets.W$3Their idea of an offer you can't refuse is an offer... and you'd better not refuse._#CThe way to make a small fortune in the commodities market is to start with a large fortune.#"MThe wages of sin are unreported.BVeni, Vidi, VISA: I came, I saw, I did a little shopping.GATwo can Live as Cheaply as One for Half as Long. -- Howard Kandel(@WTruth is free, but information costs.7?uToo much of everything is just enough. -- Bob Wier>;Too much is not enough.H=To thine own self be true. (If not that, at least make some money.))<YTo the landlord belongs the doorknobs.!;ITo stay youthful, stay useful.b:ITo spot the expert, pick the one who predicts the job will take the longest and cost the most.<9To see a need and wait to be asked, is to already refuse.G8To save a single life is better than to build a seven story pagoda.a7GTo restore a sense of reality, I think Walt Disney should have a Hardluckland. -- Jack Paar36mTo get back on your feet, miss two car payments.C5 To do two things at once is to do neither. -- Publilius Syrus <8IEw<8QwWhat this country needs is a good five cent ANYTHING!KPWhat this country needs is a dime that will buy a good five-cent bagel.NWhat sin has not been committed in the name of efficiency?FMWhat is worth doing is worth the trouble of asking somebody to do.KLWhat good is a ticket to the good life, if you can't find the entrance?K;Weekend, where are you?MJWe're living in a golden age. All you need is gold. -- D.W. Robertson.GIWe were so poor that we thought new clothes meant someone had died.QH'We are not a loved organization, but we are a respected one. -- John FisherNG!We all live in a state of ambitious poverty. -- Decimus Junius JuvenalisGFWe all like praise, but a hike in our pay is the best kind of ways.,E_Waste not, get your budget cut next year.LD WARNING TO ALL PERSONNEL: Firings will continue until morale improves. w(k)w2]kWhen you go out to buy, don't show your silver.8\wWhen you don't know what you are doing, do it neatly.?[When you don't know what to do, walk fast and look worried.?ZWhen you are working hard, get up and retch every so often._YCWhen the bosses talk about improving productivity, they are never talking about themselves.XX5When it is not necessary to make a decision, it is necessary not to make a decision.aWGWhen in doubt, mumble; when in trouble, delegate; when in charge, ponder. -- James H. Boren]V?When I works, I works hard. When I sits, I sits easy. And when I thinks, I goes to sleep..UcWhen all else fails, read the instructions.dTMWhen a Banker jumps out of a window, jump after him--that's where the money is. -- Robespierre@SWhat this country needs is a good five dollar plasma weapon.6RsWhat this country needs is a good five cent nickel. [H5<[ riel: if it were a vax, gcc would probably be an opcode - excerpt from #kernelnewbiesQ'Step #1 in programming: understand people. - Linus Torvalds on linux-kernelLLet's _not_ bring that into this thread, OK? - Al Viro on linux-kernelfQIt's a mistake to think that a directory has to be a directory. - Linus Torvalds on linux-kernelS+Sysadmin and editors. The holy wars of UNIX. - Linus Torvalds on linux-kernel_Cif (!cost_analysis) goto darwinism; - Mike Galbraith explaining economics on linux-kernel (S Zaq(FA log may float in a river, but that does not make it a crocodile.[; A crow perched himself on a telephone wire. He was going to make a long-distance caw.#M40 isn't old. If you're a tree.#$3,000,000.X5There is a word for that and that word is 'crap'. - Alexander Viro on linux-kernel_CSorry about off-topic. I thought I was posting to Usenet. - William Park on linux-kernelP%'scanf is tough' --- programmer Barbie... - Alexander Viro on linux-kernelANumbers talk, bullshit walks. - Dave Miller on linux-kernel\=Carrots work on rabbits, they don't work on hungry weasels. - Alan Cox on linux-kernelQ' 'scanf is tough' -- programmer Barbie... - Al Viro on #kernelnewbiesC I don't suffer from stallmanellosis - Al Viro on linux-kernelT -But hey, at the end of the day, numbers rule. - Linus Torvalds on linux-kernelS +You're so full of shit that it's incredible. - Linus Torvalds on linux-kernel .&R|;~.M'Any time things appear to be going better, you have overlooked something.+&]And I alone am returned to wag the tail.6%s... and furthermore ... I don't like your trousers.S$+An atom-blaster is a good weapon, but it can point both ways. -- Isaac Asimov>#Amnesia used to be my favorite word, but then I forgot it.4"oAm I ranting? I hope so. My ranting gets raves.^!AAll the really good ideas I ever had came to me while I was milking a cow. -- Grant Wood; }All phone calls are obscene. -- Karen Elizabeth Gordon.cAh, the Tsar's bazaar's bizarre beaux-arts!2kAgree with them now, it will save so much time.T-Age is a tyrant who forbids, at the penalty of life, all the pleasures of youth./Adults die young.[;According to my best recollection, I don't remember. -- Vincent 'Jimmy Blue Eyes' Alo8wA squeegee by any other name wouldn't sound as funny.>A prediction is worth twenty explanations. -- K. Brecher DvDMYsD,9_Bushydo -- the way of the shrub. Bonsai!"8KBoy, that crayon sure did hurt!7/Boy! Eucalyptus!S6+Blue paint today. [Funny to Jack Slingwine, Guy Harris and Hal Pierson. Ed.]Q5'Blessed are they who Go Around in Circles, for they Shall be Known as Wheels.-4aBlame Saint Andreas -- it's all his fault.,3_Bizarreness is the essence of the exotic.)2YBiggest security gap -- an open mouth.f1QBelieve everything you hear about the world; nothing is too impossibly bad. -- Honor'e de Balzacf0QBeing frustrated is disagreeable, but the real disasters in life begin when you get what you want.A/Before I knew the best part of my life had come, it had gone.G.BE ALOOF! (There has been a recent population explosion of lerts.)/-eBE ALERT!!!! (The world needs more lerts...),;Batteries not included.+7BAD CRAZINESS, MAN!!!*Avec!/)eAs Zeus said to Narcissus, 'Watch yourself.'(+Are we not men? QB_=U:eQJ)Dime is money.AIDignity is like a flag. It flaps in a storm. -- Roy Mengot9HyDid you know ... That no-one ever reads these things?RG)Did you hear about the model who sat on a broken bottle and cut a nice figure?F7Did I say 2? I lied.HEDeprive a mirror of its silver and even the Czar won't see his face.!DIDepart in pieces, i.e., split.C9Death to all fanatics!ZB9 'Whatever the missing mass of the universe is, I hope it's not cockroaches!' -- MomAECuster committed Siouxicide.H@Culture is the habit of being pleased with the best and knowing why.6?sConfucius say too much. -- Recent Chinese Proverb)>YColorless green ideas sleep furiously.0=gCF&C stole it, fair and square. -- Tim HahnD< By perseverance the snail reached the Ark. -- Charles Spurgeon@;But like the Good Book says... There's BIGGER DEALS to come!1:i 'But Huey, you PROMISED!' 'Tell 'em I lied.' jog2c j-\aDr. Livingston? Dr. Livingston I. Presume?$[ODr. Jekyll had something to Hyde. ZDouble!OY#Don't worry if you're a kleptomaniac; you can always take something for it.@XDon't worry -- the brontosaurus is slow, stupid, and placid.8WwDon't speak about Time, until you have spoken to him.OV#Don't quit now, we might just as well lock the door and throw away the key.(UWDon't let your status become too quo!T/Don't I know you?2SkDon't guess -- check your security regulations.4RoDon't force it, get a larger hammer. -- Anthony+Q]Does a one-legged duck swim in a circle?&PSDo YOU have redeeming social value?O7Do you have lysdexia?\N= 'Do you believe in intuition?' 'No, but I have a strange feeling that someday I will.'*M[Do students of Zen Buddhism do Om-work?/LeDo people know you have freckles everywhere?/KeDo not underestimate the power of the Force. nitV2n/n9myEvery time I think I know where it's at, they move it.JlEvery day it's the same thing -- variety. I want something different.5kqEvery absurdity has a champion who will defend it.I feel sorry for your brain... all alone in that great big head... @e&`(]'o@,]_I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous.@\I wouldn't be so paranoid if you weren't all out to get me!![9I will not forget you.Z=I will never lie to you.8YwI will make you shorter by the head. -- Elizabeth I3XmI will always love the false image I had of you.?WI want to reach your mind -- where is it currently located?>VI used to think I was indecisive, but now I'm not so sure.EUI used to get high on life but lately I've built up a resistance.5TqI used to be an agnostic, but now I'm not so sure.US/I understand why you're confused. You're thinking too much. -- Carole Wallach.$ROI thought YOU silenced the guard!Q/I smell a wumpus.-PaI saw what you did and I know who you are.aLife is both difficult and time-consuming.C= Life being what it is, one dreams of revenge. -- Paul Gauguin<ELife -- Love It or Leave It.\;=Let's remind ourselves that last year's fresh idea is today's cliche. -- Austen Briggsa:GLet others praise ancient times; I am glad I was born in these. -- Ovid (43 B.C. - A.D. 18)G9Let me put it this way: today is going to be a learning experience.A8Let he who takes the plunge remember to return it by Tuesday.,7_Lemmings don't grow older, they just die. /{,x[Xh/6WsMemory should be the starting point of the present.&VSMeester, do you vant to buy a duck?ZU9May your Tongue stick to the Roof of your Mouth with the Force of a Thousand Caramels.*T[May your camel be as swift as the wind.:S{May the fleas of a thousand camels infest your armpits.@RMay a Misguided Platypus lay its Eggs in your Jockey Shorts.,Q_Man who sleep in beer keg wake up sticky.IPMan who falls in vat of molten optical glass makes spectacle of self.BO Man who falls in blast furnace is certain to feel overwrought.N;Madness takes its toll.HMLuck can't last a lifetime, unless you die young. -- Russell Banks3LmLove the sea? I dote upon it -- from the beach.0KgLost interest? It's so bad I've lost apathy.LJLosing your drivers' license is just God's way of saying 'BOOGA, BOOGA!'>ILookie, lookie, here comes cookie... -- Stephen SondheimAHLook! Before our very eyes, the future is becoming the past. QEeaQAgNever be afraid to tell the world who you are. -- Anonymous-faMy, how you've changed since I've changed.We3My interest is in the future because I am going to spend the rest of my life there.?dMust be getting close to town -- we're hitting more people.3cmMount St. Helens should have used earth control.Zb9Mother is far too clever to understand anything she does not like. -- Arnold Bennetta?Mother Earth is not flat!O`#Most general statements are false, including this one. -- Alexander Dumas9_yMost burning issues generate far more heat than light.<^Monday is an awful way to spend one seventh of your life.+]]Moebius always does it on the same side.4\oMoebius strippers never show you their back side.Q['Mirrors should reflect a little before throwing back images. -- Jean Cocteau!ZIMicrobiology Lab: Staph Only!YCMetermaids eat their young.XEMene, mene, tekel, upharsen. @3< h8@IwNothing cures insomnia like the realization that it's time to get up./veNothing can be done in one trip. -- SniderNu!Not to laugh, not to lament, not to curse, but to understand. -- Spinoza&tSNostalgia isn't what it used to be.-saNostalgia is living life in the past lane.(rWNon-sequiturs make me eat lampshades.FqNon-Determinism is not meant to be reasonable. -- M.J. 0'Donnell.pcNobody ever died from oven crude poisoning.,o_No yak too dirty; no dumpster too hollow.gnSNo small art is it to sleep: it is necessary for that purpose to keep awake all day. -- Nietzsche1miNo matter how much you do you never do enough.>lNo matter how cynical you get, it's impossible to keep up.k1No guts, no glory.MjNo bird soars too high if he soars with his own wings. -- William BlakeIiNietzsche is pietzsche, but Schiller is killer, and Goethe is moethe..hcNever volunteer for anything. -- Lackland ]IMD']W3Our problems are so serious that the best way to talk about them is lightheartedly./eOur houseplants have a good sense of humous.;}Operator, please trace this call and tell me where I am.;Onward through the fog.Q'Once I finally figured out all of life's answers, they changed the questions.COh, wow! Look at the moon!FOh, well, I guess this is just going to be one of those lifetimes.HOh yeah? Well, I remember when sex was dirty and the air was clean.4~oOdets, where is thy sting? -- George S. Kaufman}#O.K., fine.I|O imitators, you slavish herd! -- Quintus Horatius Flaccus (Horace)0{gNudists are people who wear one-button suits.2zkNothing lasts forever. Where do I find nothing?Zy9Nothing is so often irretrievably missed as a daily opportunity. -- Ebner-EschenbachWx3Nothing is so firmly believed as that which we least know. -- Michel de Montaigne Zp9\-\Z+]Quick!! Act as if nothing has happened!;Quack! Quack!! Quack!!QED.#MPyros of the world... IGNITE !!!8wPunning is the worst vice, and there's no vice versa.IProgress was all right. Only it went on too long. -- James ThurberW3Progress might have been all right once, but it's gone on too long. -- Ogden Nash&SPreserve the old, but know the new.KPrediction is very difficult, especially of the future. -- Niels Bohr,_Predestination was doomed from the start.Q'Please remain calm, it's no use both of us being hysterical at the same time.@ Please help keep the world clean: others may wish to use it." KPiece of cake! -- G.S. Koblas CPhone call for chucky-pooh.4 oPeace be to this house, and all that dwell in it.! IPaul Revere was a tattle-tale.=Pardon me while I laugh.KParanoid Club meeting this Friday. Now ... just try to find out where! Aj:8/ jA&*SSave the Whales -- Harpoon a Honda.)+Save the bales!0(gSatire does not look pretty upon a tombstone.9'ySanta's elves are just a bunch of subordinate Clauses.&=Santa Claus is watching! %GSank heaven for leetle curls.N$!Sailors in ships, sail on! Even while we died, others rode out the storm.#'Safety Third.$"ORubber bands have snappy endings!!;Ring around the collar.^ AResisting temptation is easier when you think you'll probably get another chance later on.S+Remember, drive defensively! And of course, the best defense is a good offense!"KRemember the... the... uhh.....P%Remember that there is an outside world to see and enjoy. -- Hans Liepmann1iReality -- what a concept! -- Robin Williams-aRainy days and Mondays always get me down.7uRainy days and automatic weapons always get me down.Y7Quod erat demonstrandum. [Thus it is proven. For those who wondered WTF QED means.] clA`9fcV81Someday we'll look back on this moment and plow into a parked car. -- Evan DavisH7Some people live life in the fast lane. You're in oncoming traffic.\6=Some parts of the past must be preserved, and some of the future prevented at all costs.`5ESome changes are so slow, you don't notice them. Others are so fast, they don't notice you.I4Solipsists of the World... you are already united. -- Kayvan Sylvan!3ISmear the road with a runner!!$2OSleep is for the weak and sickly.T1-Slang is language that takes off its coat, spits on its hands, and goes to work.,0_Silence is the only virtue you have left.X/5Silence is the element in which great things fashion themselves. -- Thomas Carlyle(.WSight is a faculty; seeing is an art.-9She's genuinely bogus.G,She has an alarm clock and a phone that don't ring -- they applaud.++]Save the whales. Collect the whole set. :s>fLU0U:J7That's what she said.DI That's odd. That's very odd. Wouldn't you say that's very odd?2HkThank you for observing all safety precautions.G9Tempt me with a spoon!@FTake what you can use and let the rest go by. -- Ken Kesey"EKTake it easy, we're in a hurry.EDSupport the Girl Scouts! (Today's Brownie is tomorrow's Cookie!) CGStop me, before I kill again!9ByStealing a rhinoceros should not be attempted lightly.MAStanding on head makes smile of frown, but rest of face also upside down.@5Stamp out philately.A?Stability itself is nothing else than a more sluggish motion.>/Sorry. Nice try.,=_Sorry. I forget what I was going to say.K<Somewhere, something incredible is waiting to be known. -- Carl Sagan2;kSometimes, too long is too long. -- Joe CroweB: Somehow, the world always affects you more than you affect it.E9Someday you'll get your big chance -- or have you already had it? 1rAJe4y1EXThe grass is always greener on the other side of your sunglasses.aWGThe future not being born, my friend, we will abstain from baptizing it. -- George MeredithV9The future lies ahead.8UwThe future isn't what it used to be. (It never was.).Tc... the flaw that makes perfection perfect.7SuThe fact that it works is immaterial. -- L. OgbornZR9The executioner is, I hear, very expert, and my neck is very slender. -- Anne BoleynKQThe eagle may soar, but the weasel never gets sucked into a jet engine.SP+The difference between this place and yogurt is that yogurt has a live culture.EOThe day after tomorrow is the third day of the rest of your life.VN1The cart has no place where a fifth wheel could be used. -- Herbert von Fritzlar.McThe best prophet of the future is the past.7LuThe beauty of a pun is in the 'Oy!' of the beholder.QK'The adjective is the banana peel of the parts of speech. -- Clifton Fadiman <Wi"T]<fCThe sheep died in the wool.>eThe rose of yore is but a name, mere names are left to us.KdThe reader this message encounters not failing to understand is cursed.ecOThe philosopher's treatment of a question is like the treatment of an illness. -- Wittgenstein.Ub/The one good thing about repeating your mistakes is that you know when to cringe.?aThe most important things, each person must do for himself.1`iThe mosquito exists to keep the mighty humble.D_ The Martian Canals were clearly the Martian's last ditch effort!@^The luck that is ordained for you will be coveted by others.I]The last person who said that (God rest his soul) lived to regret it.!\IThe Killer Ducks are coming!!!8[w 'The jig's up, Elman.' 'Which jig?' -- Jeff ElmanHZThe important thing to remember about walking on eggs is not to hop.[Y;The groundhog is like most other prophets; it delivers its message and then disappears. U20x>UWr3There has been an alarming increase in the number of things you know nothing about.^qAThere are two kinds of pedestrians... the quick and the dead. -- Lord Thomas Rober Dewar+p]The worst part of valor is indiscretion.7ouThe world wants to be deceived. -- Sebastian BrantZn9The world really isn't any worse. It's just that the news coverage is so much better.Xm5The whole world is a scab. The point is to pick it constructively. -- Peter Beard\l=The whole earth is in jail and we're plotting this incredible jailbreak. -- Wavy GravyNk!The tree in which the sap is stagnant remains fruitless. -- Hosea BallouOj#The sky is blue so we know where to stop mowing. -- Judge Harold T. StoneMiThe sixth sheik's sixth sheep's sick. [so say said sentence sextuply...]Bh The shortest distance between any two puns is a straight line.6gsThe sheep that fly over your head are soon to land. g2Pa;gB This must be morning. I never could get the hang of mornings.LThis is the tomorrow you worried about yesterday. And now you know why.7This is NOT a repeat."~KThink sideways! -- Ed De Bono#}MThink honk if you're a telepath.'|UThink big. Pollute the Mississippi.({WThey just buzzed and buzzed...buzzed.>zThey finally got King Midas, I hear. Gild by association.Vy1There's no real need to do housework -- after four years it doesn't get any worse.?xThere seems no plan because it is all plan. -- C.S. LewisNw!There is nothing new except what has been forgotten. -- Marie AntoinetteLvThere is no such thing as a problem without a gift for you in its hands.LuThere is always something new out of Africa. -- Gaius Plinius Secundus3tmThere is always someone worse off than yourself.FsThere is a natural hootchy-kootchy to a goldfish. -- Walt Disney IX<VUtI(WWe have ears, earther...FOUR OF THEM!/eWasting time is an important part of living./Wanna buy a duck??Wait for that wisest of all counselors, Time. -- Pericles9Use a pun, go to jail.7 uTwo cars in every pot and a chicken in every garage.* [Trouble always comes at the wrong time.J 'To vacillate or not to vacillate, that is the question ... or is it?' ETo see you is to sympathize.) YTo love is good, love being difficult.6sTo generalize is to be an idiot. -- William BlakeGTis man's perdition to be safe, when for the truth he ought to die.P%Time will end all my troubles, but I don't always approve of Time's methods.FTime is but the stream I go a-fishing in. -- Henry David Thoreau9This sentence no verb.KThis sentence does in fact not have the property it claims not to have.W3This sentence contradicts itself -- no actually it doesn't. -- Douglas Hofstadter .a% ~R[.N"!What we cannot speak about we must pass over in silence. -- Wittgenstein:!{ 'What time is it?' 'I don't know, it keeps changing.'2 kWhat soon grows old? Gratitude. -- Aristotle*[What is the sound of one hand clapping?:{What happens when you cut back the jungle? It recedes.T-What excuses stand in your way? How can you eliminate them? -- Roger von Oech:{What does 'it' mean in the sentence 'What time is it?'?`E 'What did you do when the ship sank?' 'I grabbed a cake of soap and washed myself ashore.')YWhat color is a chameleon on a mirror?0gWhat causes the mysterious death of everyone?;}Well, the handwriting is on the floor. -- Joe E. Lewis;Well thaaaaaaat's okay.3Welcome to the Zoo!9yWe'll cross that bridge when we come back to it later.FWe must die because we have known them. -- Ptah-hotep, 2000 B.C.S+We have lingered long enough on the shores of the Cosmic Ocean. -- Carl Sagan (eOY fz(O2#When you're down and out, lift up your voice and shout, 'I'M DOWN AND OUT'!<1When you dial a wrong number you never get a busy signal.X05When things go well, expect something to explode, erode, collapse or just disappear.O/#When the English language gets in my way, I walk over it. -- Billy Sunday4.oWhen pleasure remains, does it remain a pleasure?H-When eating an elephant take one bite at a time. -- Gen. C. Abrams ,GWhen does later become never?K+When a fly lands on the ceiling, does it do a half roll or a half loop?5*qWhen a cow laughs, does milk come out of its nose?A)When a camel flies, no one laughs if it doesn't get very far!$(OWhatever became of eternal truth?P'%'What's the use of a good quotation if you can't change it?' -- The Doctor&-What's so funny?%?What's all this brouhaha?*$[What!? Me worry? -- Alfred E. NewmanL#What will you do if all your problems aren't solved by the time you die? chq_$cFBWhy is it taking so long for her to bring out all the good in you?7AuWhy is it called a funny bone when it hurts so much?;@}Why does a ship carry cargo and a truck carry shipments?e?OWhy do seagulls live near the sea? 'Cause if they lived near the bay, they'd be called baygulls.!>IWhy are you so hard to ignore?5=qWho will take care of the world after you're gone?)<YWho messed with my anti-paranoia shot?H;Who dat who say 'who dat' when I say 'who dat'? -- Hattie McDaniel:%Who are you?99Whip it, whip it good!@8Which is worse: ignorance or apathy? Who knows? Who cares?K7Whereof one cannot speak, thereof one must be silent. -- WittgensteinG6Where will it all end? Probably somewhere near where it all began.#5MWhere am I? Who am I? Am I? I$4OWhen your memory goes, forget it!H3When you're ready to give up the struggle, who can you surrender to? p?q4(G`PEAdvertisements contain the only truths to be relied on in a newspaper. -- Thomas Jefferson[O;A newspaper is a circulating library with high blood pressure. -- Arthure 'Bugs' BaerbNICrito, I owe a cock to Asclepius; will you remember to pay the debt? -- Socrates' last wordsM=Zeus gave Leda the bird.DL You can get there from here, but why on earth would you want to?K/You auto buy now. JWRONG!:I{Would you care to view the ruins of my good intentions?5HqWould you care to drift aimlessly in my direction??GWould that my hand were as swift as my tongue. -- AlfieriQF'Without adventure, civilization is in full decay. -- Alfred North Whitehead.EcWhy would anyone want to be called 'Later'?EIf you find a solution and become attached to it, the solution may become your next problem.@=If you can survive death, you can probably survive anything.F<If we don't survive, we don't do anything else. -- John SinclairR;)If we do not change our direction we are likely to end up where we are headed.P:%If the path be beautiful, let us not ask where it leads. -- Anatole FranceT9-If the master dies and the disciple grieves, the lives of both have been wasted.d8MIf a man has a strong faith he can indulge in the luxury of skepticism. -- Friedrich Nietzscheg7SI know not how I came into this, shall I call it a dying life or a living death? -- St. Augustine F@ Sv rF)OYIn the next world, you're on your own.W 'It's today!' said Piglet. 'My favorite day,' said Pooh.CV It's not reality that's important, but how you perceive things.eUOIt's hard to drive at the limit, but it's harder to know where the limits are. -- Stirling MossMTIt's easier to take it apart than to put it back together. -- Washlesky4SoIt is Fortune, not Wisdom, that rules man's life.CR It does not do to leave a live dragon out of your calculations.WQ3Intellect annuls Fate. So far as a man thinks, he is free. -- Ralph Waldo EmersonZP9Instead of loving your enemies, treat your friends a little better. -- Edgar W. Howe VNO;sVi;Murphy was an optimist.@hMan's reach must exceed his grasp, for why else the heavens?:g{Loneliness is a terrible price to pay for independence.EfLife sucks, but death doesn't put out at all. -- Thomas J. Kopp\e=Life may have no meaning, or, even worse, it may have a meaning of which you disapprove.dELife is the urge to ecstasy.Uc/Life is the living you do, Death is the living you don't do. -- Joseph Pintauro8bwLife is the childhood of our immortality. -- GoethebaILife is like a sewer. What you get out of it depends on what you put into it. -- Tom LehrerY`7Life is like a 10 speed bicycle. Most of us have gears we never use. -- C. Schultz;_}Life is knowing how far to go without crossing the line.D^ Life is a grand adventure -- or it is nothing. -- Helen Keller$]OLife exists for no known purpose.A\Life can be so tragic -- you're here today and here tomorrow. 5l3k?5Ww3Nothing is so firmly believed as that which we least know. -- Michel de MontaigneGvNothing is ever a total loss; it can always serve as a bad example.uCNothing is but what is not.Bt Nothing in life is to be feared. It is only to be understood.)sYNot every question deserves an answer.-raNormal times may possibly be over forever.AqNonsense and beauty have close connections. -- E.M. ForsterQp'Nobody ever ruined their eyesight by looking at the bright side of something.Oo#No use getting too involved in life -- you're only here for a limited time.;n}No matter where I go, the place is always called 'here'.@mNinety percent of everything is crap. -- Theodore SturgeonclKMy theology, briefly, is that the universe was dictated but not signed. -- Christopher Morley@kMusic in the soul can be heard by the universe. -- Lao TsuNj!Murphy's Law is recursive. Washing your car to make it rain doesn't work. FOd_#FHReality is bad enough, why should I tell the truth? -- Patrick Sky!IReality does not exist -- yet.5qReality always seems harsher in the early morning.3mPush where it gives and scratch where it itches.9yPhilosophy will clip an angel's wings. -- John KeatsJPerhaps the biggest disappointments were the ones you expected anyway.e~OParadise is exactly like where you are right now ... only much, much better. -- Laurie AndersonM}Only that in you which is me can hear what I'm saying. -- Baba Ram DassA|One meets his destiny often on the road he takes to avoid it.@{One learns to itch where one can scratch. -- Ernest BramahazGOnce you've tried to change the world you find it's a whole bunch easier to change your mind.[y;Once the toothpaste is out of the tube, it's hard to get it back in. -- H.R. HaldemanPx%Nothing matters very much, and few things matter at all. -- Arthur Balfour A5RFAK'The chain which can be yanked is not the eternal chain.' -- G. Fitch9yThe best you get is an even break. -- Franklin AdamsJThe absurd is the essential concept and the first truth. -- A. Camus+]That that is is that that is not is not.B Sometimes you get an almost irresistible urge to go on living.; }Sometimes even to live is an act of courage. -- Seneca5 qSo little time, so little to do. -- Oscar LevantN !Seeing is believing. You wouldn't have seen it if you hadn't believed it.< Rule of Life #1 -- Never get separated from your luggage.` E'Reality is that which, when you stop believing in it, doesn't go away'. -- Philip K. Dick>Reality is nothing but a collective hunch. -- Lily TomlinIReality is just a crutch for people who can't handle science fiction.KReality is just a convenient measure of complexity. -- Alvy Ray Smith.cReality is for people who lack imagination. 6a*8S6G The questions remain the same. The answers are eternally variable.FThe price of success in philosophy is triviality. -- C. Glymour.FThe only difference between a rut and a grave is their dimensions.>The moss on the tree does not fear the talons of the hawk.7uThe more you complain, the longer God lets you live.?The major sin is the sin of being born. -- Samuel BeckettfQThe longest part of the journey is said to be the passing of the gate. -- Marcus Terentius VarroD The greatest griefs are those we cause ourselves. -- SophoclesD The first requisite for immortality is death. -- Stanislaw LemGThe farther you go, the less you know. -- Lao Tsu, 'Tao Te Ching'5The door is the key.4oThe days are all empty and the nights are unreal.Y7The chief danger in life is that you may take too many precautions. -- Alfred Adler@The chief cause of problems is solutions. -- Eric Sevareid D^^6tD-.aTo give happiness is to deserve happiness.-EThere's only one everything.:,{There is no sin but ignorance. -- Christopher Marlowe`+EThere is no cure for birth and death other than to enjoy the interval. -- George Santayana[*;There is no comfort without pain; thus we define salvation through suffering. -- CatoH)There is more to life than increasing its speed. -- Mahatma Gandhi0(gThere are no winners in life, only survivors.I'There are no accidents whatsoever in the universe. -- Baba Ram DassY&7The truth you speak has no past and no future. It is, and that's all it needs to be.U%/The truth of a thing is the feel of it, not the think of it. -- Stanley KubrickI$The truth is what is; what should be is a dirty lie. -- Lenny Bruce@#The truth is rarely pure, and never simple. -- Oscar Wilde8"wThe soul would have no rainbow had the eyes no tears.!!IThe savior becomes the victim. yFz9my];?What makes the universe so hard to comprehend is that there's nothing to compare it with.?:What does not destroy me, makes me stronger. -- NietzscheO9#Well, you know, no matter where you go, there you are. -- Buckaroo Banzai,8_We're all in this alone. -- Lily TomlinN7!We have reason to be afraid. This is a terrible place. -- John BerrymanI6We have nowhere else to go... this is all we have. -- Margaret Mead>5We can embody the truth, but we cannot know it. -- Yates84wWaste not fresh tears over old griefs. -- Euripides/3eTruth is hard to find and harder to obscure.\2=Truth has no special time of its own. Its hour is now -- always. -- Albert Schweitzer71uTo lead people, you must follow behind. -- Lao TsuE0To have died once is enough. -- Publius Vergilius Maro (Virgil)5/qTo give of yourself, you must first know yourself. G^VFG9GyWith listening comes wisdom, with speaking repentance.2FkWisdom is rarely found on the best-seller list.IEWisdom is knowing what to do with what you know. -- J. Winter Smith?DWho does not trust enough will not be trusted. -- Lao TsuRC)When you die, you lose a very important part of your life. -- Brooke ShieldsOB#When the wind is great, bow before it; when the wind is heavy, yield to it.fAQWhen the speaker and he to whom he is speaks do not understand, that is metaphysics. -- VoltaireJ@When it's dark enough you can see the stars. -- Ralph Waldo Emerson,_?CWhatever you do will be insignificant, but it is very important that you do it. -- GandhiV>1Whatever occurs from love is always beyond good and evil. -- Friedrich NietzscheG=What we Are is God's gift to us. What we Become is our gift to God.U</What sane person could live in this world and not be crazy? -- Ursula K. LeGuin q:[Cq;U}Your happiness is intertwined with your outlook on life.>TYou will always find something in the last place you look.PS%You have all eternity to be cautious in when you're dead. -- Lois PlatfordHRYou can't take it with you -- especially when crossing a state line.QCYou can't push on a string.?PYou can't mend a wristwatch while falling from an airplane.!OIYou can't get there from here.CN You can only live once, but if you do it right, once is enough.:M{You can observe a lot just by watching. -- Yogi BerraSL+You can no more win a war than you can win an earthquake. -- Jeannette RankinIKYou can never tell which way the train went by looking at the tracks.CJ You can get *anywhere* in ten minutes if you drive fast enough.QI'You can always pick up your needle and move to another groove. -- Tim Leary)HYYes, but which self do you want to be? e^.5=eabGA little suffering is good for the soul. -- Kirk, 'The Corbomite Maneuver', stardate 1514.0a-The people rule.-`aI am what you will be; I was what you are.+_]The words fly away, the writings remain.N^!You must be the change you wish to see in the world. --Mahatma GandhiP]%We are governed not by armies and police but by ideas. -- Mona Caird, 1892Q\'There is a secret person undamaged within every individual. -- Paul ShepardN[!Freedom is what you do with what's been done to you. -- Jean-Paul SartreGZThe universe is made of stories, not of atoms. -- Muriel Rukeyser[Y;You may be marching to the beat of a different drummer, but you're still in the parade.-XaYour wig steers the gig. -- Lord BuckleyNW!Your picture of the world often changes just before you get it into focus.NV!Your mind understands what you have been taught; your heart, what is true. :uI)f:bqIExtreme feminine beauty is always disturbing. -- Spock, 'The Cloud Minders', stardate 5818.4]p?Every living thing wants to survive. -- Spock, 'The Ultimate Computer', stardate 4731.3doMEmotions are alien to me. I'm a scientist. -- Spock, 'This Side of Paradise', stardate 3417.3+n]Deflector shields just came on, Captain.emODeath, when unnecessary, is a tragic thing. -- Flint, 'Requiem for Methuselah', stardate 5843.7*l[Dammit Jim, I'm an actor, not a doctor.Sk+Conquest is easy. Control is not. -- Kirk, 'Mirror, Mirror', stardate unknown&jSCaptain's Log, star date 21:34.5...:i{But Captain -- the engines can't take this much longer! hGBones: 'The man's DEAD, Jim!'>gBeam me up, Scotty, there's no intelligent life down here!)fYBeam me up, Scotty! It ate my phaser!e3Beam me up, Scotty!#dMAhead warp factor one, Mr. Sulu.IcA woman should have compassion. -- Kirk, 'Catspaw', stardate 3018.2 %8[3%a|GIt would be illogical to kill without reason. -- Spock, 'Journey to Babel', stardate 3842.4N{!It is necessary to have purpose. -- Alice #1, 'I, Mudd', stardate 4513.3Vz1Insufficient facts always invite danger. -- Spock, 'Space Seed', stardate 3141.9cyKImmortality consists largely of boredom. -- Zefrem Cochrane, 'Metamorphosis', stardate 3219.8exOIf I can have honesty, it's easier to overlook mistakes. -- Kirk, 'Space Seed', stardate 3141.9Ww3History tends to exaggerate. -- Col. Green, 'The Savage Curtain', stardate 5906.4HvHe's dead, Jim. -- McCoy, 'The Devil in the Dark', stardate 3196.1%uQHailing frequencies open, Captain.gtSFirst study the enemy. Seek weakness. -- Romulan Commander, 'Balance of Terror', stardate 1709.2[s;Fascinating, a totally parochial attitude. -- Spock, 'Metamorphosis', stardate 3219.8grSFascinating is a word I use for the unexpected. -- Spock, 'The Squire of Gothos', stardate 2124.5 {]vx${LMind your own business, Spock. I'm sick of your halfbreed interference.W3Men of peace usually are [brave]. -- Spock, 'The Savage Curtain', stardate 5906.5Q'Many Myths are based on truth -- Spock, 'The Way to Eden', stardate 5832.3]?Love sometimes expresses itself in sacrifice. -- Kirk, 'Metamorphosis', stardate 3220.3C Live long and prosper. -- Spock, 'Amok Time', stardate 3372.7U/Landru! Guide us! -- A Beta 3-oid, 'The Return of the Archons', stardate 3157.4V1Knowledge, sir, should be free to all! -- Harry Mudd, 'I, Mudd', stardate 4513.3IKlingon phaser attack from front!!!!! 100% Damage to life support!!!!?Kirk to Enterprise -- beam down yeoman Rand and a six-pack.J~Killing is wrong. -- Losira, 'That Which Survives', stardate unknownS}+Killing is stupid; useless! -- McCoy, 'A Private Little War', stardate 4211.8 cUQ3cMPower is danger. -- The Centurion, 'Balance of Terror', stardate 1709.2%QPhasers locked on target, Captain.U/Peace was the way. -- Kirk, 'The City on the Edge of Forever', stardate unknowncKOur way is peace. -- Septimus, the Son Worshiper, 'Bread and Circuses', stardate 4040.7.eOOnly a fool fights in a burning house. -- Kank the Klingon, 'Day of the Dove', stardate unknownM One does not thank logic. -- Sarek, 'Journey to Babel', stardate 3842.4X 5No problem is insoluble. -- Dr. Janet Wallace, 'The Deadly Years', stardate 3479.4C  No one wants war. -- Kirk, 'Errand of Mercy', stardate 3201.7` ENo one can guarantee the actions of another. -- Spock, 'Day of the Dove', stardate unknown@ No more blah, blah, blah! -- Kirk, 'Miri', stardate 2713.6eOMost legends have their basis in facts. -- Kirk, 'And The Children Shall Lead', stardate 5029.5 om43oS+There are always alternatives. -- Spock, 'The Galileo Seven', stardate 2822.3S+The man on tops walks a lonely street; the 'chain' of command is often a noose.dMThe idea of male and female are universal constants. -- Kirk, 'Metamorphosis', stardate 3219.8aGThe heart is not a logical organ. -- Dr. Janet Wallace, 'The Deadly Years', stardate 3479.4JThe best diplomat I know is a fully activated phaser bank. -- ScottyX5Superior ability breeds superior ambition. -- Spock, 'Space Seed', stardate 3141.9-Star Trek Lives!<Spock: We suffered 23 casualties in that attack, Captain.N!Spock: The odds of surviving another attack are 13562190123 to 1, Captain.6sShe won' go Warp 7, Cap'n! The batteries are dead!;}Schshschshchsch. -- The Gorn, 'Arena', stardate 3046.2R)Respect is a rational process -- McCoy, 'The Galileo Seven', stardate 2822.3 G0.}\)=War isn't a good life, but it's life. -- Kirk, 'A Private Little War', stardate 4211.8M(War is never imperative. -- McCoy, 'Balance of Terror', stardate 1709.2^'AWait! You have not been prepared! -- Mr. Atoz, 'Tomorrow is Yesterday', stardate 3113.2V&1Vulcans worship peace above all. -- McCoy, 'Return to Tomorrow', stardate 4768.3L%Vulcans never bluff. -- Spock, 'The Doomsday Machine', stardate 4202.1W$3Vulcans do not approve of violence. -- Spock, 'Journey to Babel', stardate 3842.4f#QVulcans believe peace should not depend on force. -- Amanda, 'Journey to Babel', stardate 3842.3L"Virtue is a relative term. -- Spock, 'Friday's Child', stardate 3499.1\!=Totally illogical, there was no chance. -- Spock, 'The Galileo Seven', stardate 2822.3[ ;To live is always desirable. -- Eleen the Capellan, 'Friday's Child', stardate 3498.9X5There are some things worth dying for. -- Kirk, 'Errand of Mercy', stardate 3201.7 Dq.:.D^5AThere's coffee in that nebula! -- Capt. Kathryn Janeway, Star Trek: Voyager, 'The Cloud'E4You're dead, Jim. -- McCoy, 'The Tholian Web', stardate unknown>3You're dead, Jim. -- McCoy, 'Amok Time', stardate 3372.7]2?You! What PLANET is this! -- McCoy, 'The City on the Edge of Forever', stardate 3134.0S1+You canna change the laws of physics, Captain; I've got to have thirty minutes!S0+You can't evaluate a man by logic alone. -- McCoy, 'I, Mudd', stardate 4513.3e/OWithout followers, evil cannot spread. -- Spock, 'And The Children Shall Lead', stardate 5029.5X.5Witch! Witch! They'll burn ya! -- Hag, 'Tomorrow is Yesterday', stardate unknown.-cWell, Jim, I'm not much of an actor either.@,We'll pivot at warp 2 and bring all tubes to bear, Mr. Sulu!`+EWe have phasers, I vote we blast 'em! -- Bailey, 'The Corbomite Maneuver', stardate 1514.2)*YWarp 7 -- It's a law we can live with. m7Nt'mdAMI love you more than anything in this world. I don't expect that will last. -- Elvis CostelloP@%I don't want people to love me. It makes for obligations. -- Jean AnouilhJ?I am two fools, I know, for loving, and for saying so. -- John Donne;>}How much does she love you? Less than you'll ever know.:={His heart was yours from the first moment that you met.\<=Hearts will never be practical until they can be made unbreakable. -- The Wizard of Oz:;{God is love, but get it in writing. -- Gypsy Rose LeeI:Give me chastity and continence, but not just now. -- St. Augustine]9?Falling in love is a lot like dying. You never get to do it enough to become good at it.I8Don't despair; your ideal lover is waiting for you around the corner.-7aBondage maybe, discipline never! -- T.K.J6A woman was in love with fourteen soldiers. It was clearly platoonic. 'U/4s'IM'I'd love to go out with you, but I'm having all my plants neutered.'ZL9'I'd love to go out with you, but I'm doing door-to-door collecting for static cling.'aKG'I'd love to go out with you, but I'm converting my calendar watch from Julian to Gregorian.'SJ+'I'd love to go out with you, but I'm attending the opening of my garage door.'QI''I'd love to go out with you, but I want to spend more time with my blender.'NH!'I'd love to go out with you, but I never go out on days that end in `Y.''NG!'I'd love to go out with you, but I have to stay home and see if I snore.'>F'I'd love to go out with you, but I have to floss my cat.'VE1'I'd love to go out with you, but I did my own thing and now I've got to undo it.'8DwI used to be Snow White, but I drifted. -- Mae WestFCI never loved another person the way I loved myself. -- Mae West_BCI love you, not only for what you are, but for what I am when I am with you. -- Roy Croft VQgWVPX%If Love Were Oil, I'd Be About A Quart Low -- Book title by Lewis GrizzardLWIf love is the answer, could you rephrase the question? -- Lily Tomlin\V=I'd love to kiss you, but I just washed my hair. -- Bette Davis, 'Cabin in the Cotton'aUG'I'd love to go out with you, but there are important world issues that need worrying about.'ST+'I'd love to go out with you, but the man on television told me to stay tuned.'SS+'I'd love to go out with you, but the last time I went out, I never came back.'GR'I'd love to go out with you, but my favorite commercial is on TV.'HQ'I'd love to go out with you, but it's my parakeet's bowling night.'RP)'I'd love to go out with you, but I've been scheduled for a karma transplant.'JO'I'd love to go out with you, but I'm taking punk totem pole carving.'_NC'I'd love to go out with you, but I'm staying home to work on my cottage cheese sculpture.' 2PMA2\d=Love at first sight is one of the greatest labor-saving devices the world has ever seen.3cmLove and scandal are the best sweeteners of tea.9byLove -- the last of the serious diseases of childhood.;a}Lonely is a man without love. -- Englebert HumperdinckS`+Let's not complicate our relationship by trying to communicate with each other.R_)Let's just be friends and make no special effort to ever see each other again.^^ALet us live!!! Let us love!!! Let us share the deepest secrets of our souls!!! You first.K]It is far better to be deceived than to be undeceived by those we love.J\In love, she who gives her portrait promises the original. -- Brutone[OIf you love someone, set them free. If they don't come back, then call them up when you're drunk.OZ#If you can't be good, be careful. If you can't be careful, give me a call.[Y;If only you knew she loved you, you could face the uncertainty of whether you love her. 4N_@M}4FsLove is what you've been through with somebody. -- James Thurber&rSLove IS what it's cracked up to be.LqLove is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. -- H. L. MenckenUp/Love is the process of my leading you gently back to yourself. -- Saint ExuperyXo5Love is the only game that is not called on account of darkness. -- M. HirschfieldGnLove is staying up all night with a sick child, or a healthy adult.mELove is sentimental measles.)lYLove is not enough, but it sure helps.k?Love is never asking why?Qj'Love is like the measles; we all have to go through it. -- Jerome K. Jerome3imLove is in the offing. -- The Homicidal Maniac2hkLove is being stupid together. -- Paul Valery-gaLove is a grave mental disease. -- Plato`fELove conquers all things; let us too surrender to love. -- Publius Vergilius Maro (Virgil)LeLove cannot be much younger than the lust for murder. -- Sigmund Freud 8< :j58R)The giraffe you thought you offended last week is willing to be nuzzled today.(WSupport wildlife -- vote for an orgy.-aSorry never means having your say to love.JSometimes love ain't nothing but a misunderstanding between two fools.2~kReally?? What a coincidence, I'm shallow too!!H}People think love is an emotion. Love is good sense. -- Ken Kesey@|One expresses well the love he does not feel. -- J.A. Karr?{Of all forms of caution, caution in love is the most fatal.Cz Nature abhors a virgin -- a frozen asset. -- Clare Booth Luce(yWMy cup hath runneth'd over with love.\x=Most people don't need a great deal of love nearly so much as they need a steady supply./weMay your SO always know when you need a hug.Dv Love tells us many things that are not so. -- Krainian Proverb There's so much to say but your eyes keep interrupting me.^ AThere is only one way to be happy by means of the heart -- to have none. -- Paul Bourget@ There is no fear in love; but perfect love casteth out fear.A The way to love anything is to realize that it might be lost.\ =The seven year itch comes from fooling around during the fourth, fifth, and sixth years.KThe person you rejected yesterday could make you happy, if you say yes.T-The perfect lover is one who turns into a pizza at 4:00 A.M. -- Charles Pierce]?The magic of our first love is our ignorance that it can ever end. -- Benjamin DisraeliaGThe little pieces of my life I give to you, with love, to make a quilt to keep away the cold.)YThe heart is wiser than the intellect.O#The heart has its reasons which reason knows nothing of. -- Blaise Pascal NK)JtN#MBoycott meat -- suck your thumb./eBOO! We changed Coke again! BLEAH! BLEAH!@Be careful when you bite into your hamburger. -- Derek Bok^AAs he had feared, his orders had been forgotten and everyone had brought the potato salad.9yAnything that is good and useful is made of chocolate..cAnything is good if it's made of chocolate.:{Actually, my goal is to have a sandwich named after me.2kA waist is a terrible thing to mind. -- Ziggy\= A new chef from India was fired a week after starting the job. He kept favoring curry.]?A gourmet who thinks of calories is like a tart that looks at her watch. -- James Beard`E A farm in the country side had several turkeys, it was known as the house of seven gobbles.2kTrue happiness will be found only in true love.?Total strangers need love, too; and I'm stranger than most.;}To be loved is very demoralizing. -- Katharine Hepburn 8VoIj8/+eEven a blind pig stumbles upon a few acorns.C* Eating chocolate is like being in love without the aggravation.9)y'Eat, drink, and be merry, for tomorrow you may work.''(UEat right, stay fit, and die anyway.0'gEat drink and be merry, for tomorrow we diet.B& Eat drink and be merry, for tomorrow they may make it illegal.9%yEat drink and be merry! Tommorrow you may be in Utah.O$#Eat as much as you like -- just don't swallow it. -- Harry Secombe's dietP#%Do not worry about which side your bread is buttered on: you eat BOTH sides.I"Do not drink coffee in early A.M. It will keep you awake until noon.1!iDinner is ready when the smoke alarm goes off.) YDieters live life in the fasting lane.8wDeath before dishonor. But neither before breakfast.KChinese saying: 'He who speak with forked tongue, not need chopsticks.'Y7Cheese -- milk's leap toward immortality. -- Clifton Fadiman, 'Any Number Can Play' (L n1E}(R:)I don't even butter my bread. I consider that cooking. -- Katherine CebrianF9I don't care where I sit as long as I get fed. -- Calvin Trillin87I brake for chezlogs!a7GI am so optimistic about beef prices that I've just leased a pot roast with an option to buy.K6Hors d'oeuvres -- a ham sandwich cut into forty pieces. -- Jack Benny95yHome on the Range was originally written in beef-flat. 4GHave a taco. -- P.S. Beagle<3Has anyone ever tasted an 'end'? Are they really bitter?:2{God must have loved calories, she made so many of them.Y17Food for thought is no substitute for the real thing. -- Walt Kelly, 'Potluck Pogo'<0Fat people of the world unite, we've got nothing to lose!@/Fat Liberation: because a waist is a terrible thing to mind.W.3Everything I like is either illegal, immoral or fattening. -- Alexander Woollcott/-eEvery time I lose weight, it finds me again!%,QEven a cabbage may look at a king. 9@ mIW z9>HIf you waste your time cooking, you'll miss the next meal.)GYIf you see an onion ring -- answer it!`FEIf you put your supper dish to your ear you can hear the sounds of a restaurant. -- SnoopyKEIf you are what you eat, does that mean Euell Gibbons really was a nut?3DmIf puns were deli meat, this would be the wurst.0CgIf food be the music of love, eat up, eat up.,B_If at first you fricasee, fry, fry again.WA3I've been on a diet for two weeks and all I've lost is two weeks. -- Totie Fields!@II'm hungry, time to eat lunch.c?K 'I thought you were trying to get into shape.' 'I am. The shape I've selected is a triangle.'5>qI never pray before meals -- my mom's a good cook.2=kI never met a piece of chocolate I didn't like.c<KI have never been one to sacrifice my appetite on the altar of appearance. -- A.M. ReadyhoughW;3I don't have an eating problem. I eat. I get fat. I buy new clothes. No problem. ){<Jkj)>XLife without caffeine is stimulating enough. -- Sanka Ad Q: How do you save a drowning lawyer? A: Throw him a rock.* [Q: How do you keep a moron in suspense?R )Q: How can you tell when a Burroughs salesman is lying? A: When his lips move.Y 7Q: Heard about the who couldn't spell? A: He spent the night in a warehouse.IQ: Do you know what the death rate around here is? A: One per person.&SQ: Are we not men? A: We are Vaxen.[;Knock, knock! Who's there? Sam and Janet. Sam and Janet who? Sam and Janet Evening...EYou must dine in our cafeteria. You can eat dirt cheap there!!!!Y7You know you have a small apartment when Rice Krispies echo. -- S. Rickly Christian `IQ aGQ: What do you have when you have a lawyer buried up to his neck in sand? A: Not enough sand.gSQ: What do you get when you cross the Godfather with an attorney? A: An offer you can't understand.`EQ: What do you call the scratches that you get when a female sheep bites you? A: Ewe nicks.U/Q: What do you call a half-dozen Indians with Asian flu? A: Six sick Sikhs (sic).GQ: What do you call a boomerang that doesn't come back? A: A stick.S+Q: What do you call a blind, deaf-mute, quadraplegic Virginian? A: Trustworthy.\=Q: What do Winnie the Pooh and John the Baptist have in common? A: The same middle name.KQ: What do they call the alphabet in Arkansas? A: The impossible dream.gSQ: What do little WASPs want to be when they grow up? A: The very best person they can possibly be.dMQ: What do agnostic, insomniac dyslexics do at night? A: Stay awake and wonder if there's a dog.6sQ: How was Thomas J. Watson buried? A: 9 edge down. nLjDnM'Q: What lies on the bottom of the ocean and twitches? A: A nervous wreck.2&kQ: What is the sound of one cat napping? A: Mu.N%!Q: What is the difference between Texas and yogurt? A: Yogurt has culture.J$Q: What is the difference between a duck? A: One leg is both the same.D# Q: What is purple and concord the world? A: Alexander the Grape.7"uQ: What is purple and commutes? A: An Abelian grape.U!/Q: What is printed on the bottom of beer bottles in Minnesota? A: Open other end.F Q: What is orange and goes 'click, click?' A: A ball point carrot.;}Q: What is green and lives in the ocean? A: Moby Pickle.X5Q: What happens when four WASPs find themselves in the same room? A: A dinner party.V1Q: What does it say on the bottom of Coke cans in North Dakota? A: Open other end.X5Q: What do you say to a New Yorker with a job? A: Big Mac, fries and a Coke, please! 6~0"f6S3+Q: Why did the astrophysicist order three hamburgers? A: Because he was hungry.I2Q: Why did Menachem Begin invade Lebanon? A: To impress Jodie Foster.;1}Q: Who cuts the grass on Walton's Mountain? A: Lawn Boy.M0Q: What's yellow, and equivalent to the Axiom of Choice? A: Zorn's Lemon.b/IQ: What's tiny and yellow and very, very, dangerous? A: A canary with the super-user password.T.-Q: What's the difference between USL and the Titanic? A: The Titanic had a band.[-;Q: What's the difference between an Irish wedding and an Irish wake? A: One less drunk.c,KQ: What's the difference between a duck and an elephant? A: You can't get down off an elephant.G+Q: What's tan and black and looks great on a lawyer? A: A doberman.K*Q: What's hard going in and soft and sticky coming out? A: Chewing gum.1)iQ: What's buried in Grant's tomb? A: A corpse.K(Q: What's a light-year? A: One-third less calories than a regular year. &e [0Z&1@iWindows 95: Proof that P. T. Barnum was right.W?3'Windows for Dummies' is much more than a book title, it's a Microsoft way of life!>>Windows 95 is not a virus. Viruses actually do something.8=wAre you scared of speed? If so, then try Windows 95.P<%Choose two: (A) Fast (B) Efficient (C) Stable (D) Windows 95 (counts as two)O;#Q: Why don't lawyers go to the beach? A: The cats keep trying to bury them.@:Q: Why do WASPs play golf ? A: So they can dress like pimps.@9Q: Why did the WASP cross the road? A: To get to the middle.O8#Q: Why did the tachyon cross the road? A: Because it was on the other side.Z79Q: Why did the programmer call his mother long distance? A: Because that was her name.X65Q: Why did the lone ranger kill Tonto? A: He found out what 'kimosabe' really means.K5Q: Why did the germ cross the microscope? A: To get to the other slide.J4Q: Why did the chicken cross the road? A: He was giving it last rites. 2KUp92aPGWindows 95 really does have pre-emptive multitasking: It can boot and crash at the same time.IOWindows 2000 will be released as soon as Windows 98 finishes loading.,N_Windows 98: New look, same multicrashing.%MQBugs come in through open Windows.4LoTurn your Pentium into a Gameboy: Type WIN at C:>'KUSome Windows were made to be broken.BJ Windows 95 is crash compatible with Windows 1.0, 2.x, and 3.x.6IsFavorite Windows game: 'Guess what this icon does?':H{This is an air conditioned room -- do not open Windows!+G]Double your drive space: Delete Windows!>FBang on the LEFT side of your computer to restart Windows.KEIf Windows is so user-friendly, then why do you need a 678-page manual?6DsWindows is the best $89 solitaire game you can buy.BC Windows is the only solitaire game that requires 16 MB of RAM.DEL *.* I feel better now.6xs'A copy of Windows 95 and 4x4 MB of SIMMs, please.',w_Friends don't let friends use Windows 95.@vDogs crawl under fences... software crawls under Windows 95.'uUWindows: XT emulator for an Pentium./teWindows: an Unrecoverable Acquisition Error!;s}Windows: The answer to a question nobody has ever asked.5rqWindows NT: Vaporware of the desperate and scared. Zp8G(WZbIQ: What's another name for the 'Intel Inside' sticker they put on Pentiums? A: Warning label.P%Q: Why did Bill Gates cross the road? A: To avoid the Department of Justice.B  Q: What does the CE in Windows CE stand for? A: Caveat Emptor.> Q: How do you make Windows run faster? A: Throw it harder!W 3Please insert the floppy disk labeled Windows NT Installation CD-ROM into Drive A:.3 mWindows found - Remove? (Y)es (S)ure (F)ine (O)K ?Better dead than Redmond.O#The memory management in Windows 95 can be used to frighten small children.`EMS-DOS didn't get as bad as it is overnight -- it took over ten years of careful development9yThe Microsoft Motto: 'We're the leaders, wait for us!'5qIf at first you don't succeed, work for Microsoft.>Shell to DOS... Come in DOS, do you copy? Shell to DOS...LBill Gates to his broker: 'You idiot, I said $150 million on SNAPPLE!!!'sNNTZ`flrx~ &,28>DJPV\bhntz "(.4:@FLRX^djpv|[:\H]X^h_t`abc'd3e@L|MNOP)Q5RASMTXUdVsWXYZ+[:\H]X^h_t`abc'd3e@fPgahqijlm,n9oEpPq[rfsqt{uvw x-y:zG{W|e}t~ 2DVft.>Oao+:JZky +7CO]iu)6DR^jw)4@KWco|)5CQ`n{ rC C^-r@A Linux machine! because a 486 is a terrible thing to waste!+]Linux. Where do you want to go tomorrow?GIf Bill Gates is the Devil then Linus Torvalds must be the Messiah..cThe linuX Files -- The Source is Out There.B Linux: The OS people choose without $200,000,000 of persuasionN!We are using Linux daily to UP our productivity -- so UP yours, Microsoft!LLinux: the operating system with a CLUE... Command Line User Environment<Linux, DOS, Windows NT -- The Good, the Bad, and the UglyC Microsoft gives you Windows... Linux gives you the whole house.?Never trust an operating system you don't have sources for.6sWhat's good for Standard Oil is good for Microsoft.V1Q: What do Windows NT and frozen pizza have in common? A: They're both half baked.aGQ: What do you call 50 Microsoft products at the bottom of the ocean? A: A darned good start. 7>W? Pp76,sLinux: Because rebooting is for adding new hardwareL+Fatal Error: Found MS-Windows System -> Repartitioning Disk for Linux...**[Why use Windows, since there is a door?,)_Linux, the way to get rid of boot viruses2(kWindows NT, from the people who invented EDLIN!4'oLinux: Because a PC is a terrible thing to waste.:&{Type cat vmlinuz > /dev/audio to hear the Voice of God.C% Linux, because we don't need no steenkin' Blue Screen of Death!2$kLinux -- Have you administered a real OS today?#1Vini, vidi, Linux!*"[Linux: Where Don't We Want To Go Today?[!;We all know Linux is great...it does infinite loops in 5 seconds. -- Linus TorvaldsY 7By golly, I'm beginning to think Linux really *is* the best thing since sliced bread.AGoing from DOS to Linux is like trading a glider for an F117.(WLinux: The choice of a GNU generationP%Microsoft is not the answer. Microsoft is the question. Linux is the answer. ;m=y/h5;O9#Linux - because software problems should not cost money. -- Shlomi FishI8Get it up, keep it up... LINUX: Viagra for the PC. -- Chris AbbeyY77My Beowulf cluster will beat your Windows NT network any day. -- wbogardt@gte.net06gAt Microsoft, quality is job 1.1 - Use Linux!a5GDo you remember when you only had to pay for windows when *you* broke them? -- Noel Maddy`4EI have replaced NT with Linux. Linux -- heir of the byte that dogged me. -- Allan WillisG3Linux. When you want to get there today! -- Jeremy HinegardnerD2 My computer, my documents, my briefcase, my ASS! -- Ben Cook>1Failure is not an option -- it comes bundled with Windows.90yAnother name for a Windows tutorial is 'crash course'.-/aIn a world without fences who needs Gates?4.oWindows: Microsoft's tax on computer illiterates.Y-7Computers are like air conditioners -- they stop working properly if you open WINDOWS F`R1F]E?Market share leadership is a tenuous thing, Mr. Gates: ask IBM ;-) -- Laurent SzysterKAre you tired of being a crash test dummy for Microsoft? Discover Linux. -- Gareth BarnardL='Microsoft technology' -- isn't that an oxymoron? -- Gareth BarnardV<1I will never trust someone called GATES that sells WINDOWS. -- Federico RomnW;3If your OS needs a virus detector... RUN!!! ...Out and buy Linux! -- Tim WrightC: Double your disk space - delete Windows! -- Albert Dorofeev obf(oMPWhere do you want Bill Gates to go today? -- From a Slashdot.org postfOQWindows NT source code now available... download WIN2000.BAS now! -- From a Slashdot.org postTN-Linux - It is now safe to turn on your computer. -- From a Slashdot.org postEMLinux! Works great, less filling. -- From a Slashdot.org postNL!Oh My God! They Killed init! You Bastards! -- From a Slashdot.org postKKMicrosoft DOS/NT (doesn't) provide the means to WIN! -- Ewout StamOJ#Linux: Where do you want to GO... Oh, I'm already there! -- Ewout StamHIThere's the light at the end of the the Windows. -- Havlik Denis\H=Reset button? Which reset button? - Linux, the OS that never sleeps. -- Havlik DenisIGUS Navy uses NT. Saddam, Gadafi, it's party time! -- Havlik DenisOF#MS and Y2K: Windows 95, 98, ... and back again to 01 -- Laurent Szyster kENBkR[)Carpe Daemon -- Seize the background process! -- From a Slashdot.org postAZLinux: the dot in 'dot org'. -- From a Slashdot.org post;Y}Linux: Fast Pane Relief -- From a Slashdot.org postUX/Microsoft Zen - Become one with the blue screen. -- From a Slashdot.org post]W?It's ten o'clock. Do you know where your source code is? -- From a Slashdot.org postQV'To segfault is human; to bluescreen moronic. -- From a Slashdot.org postWU3I'm not a programmer, but I play one at Microsoft. -- From a Slashdot.org postYT7If Microsoft were to vanish, who would we hate next? -- From a Slashdot.org post>SWindows 2000, Users Zilch -- From a Slashdot.org postYR7C:WINDOWSRUN C:WINDOWSCRASH C:MEFDISK /usr/src/linux -- From a Slashdot.org post\Q=Microsoft does have a Y2K problem... it's called Linux! -- From a Slashdot.org post Md45McfKBesides, I think Slackware sounds better than 'Microsoft,' don't you? -- Patrick VolkerdingLeGet it up, keep it up... LINUX: Viagra for the PC. -- Chris Abbey0dgWe are Linux. Resistance is measured in ohms.IcMicrosoft: Re-inventing square wheels -- From a Slashdot.org postcbKMicrosoft: You've got questions. We've got a dancing paperclip. -- From a Slashdot.org postJaUnix: Where /sbin/init is still Job 1. -- From a Slashdot.org postb`IHelp Microsoft stamp out piracy. Give Linux to a friend today! -- From a Slashdot.org postc_KThe Information Revolution will be fought on the command line. -- From a Slashdot.org postb^IThe best Windows accelerator is that which works at 9.81 m/s2 -- From a Slashdot.org post7]uIt's all GNU to me. -- From a Slashdot.org post_\CGates' Law: Every 18 months, the speed of software halves. -- From a Slashdot.org post LQZfLVq1It's the Magic that counts. -- Larry Wall on Perl's apparent uglinessfpQThe core is not frozen, but slushy. -- Larry Wall in <199705101952.MAA00756@wall.org>Uo/The autodecrement is not magical. -- Larry Wall in the perl man pageDn OK, enough hype. -- Larry Wall in the perl man pageUm/It's all magic. :-) -- Larry Wall in <7282@jpl-devvax.JPL.NASA.GOV>Rl)'It is easier to port a shell than a shell script.' -- Larry WallHkI'll say it again for the logic impaired. -- Larry WallgjSI dunno, I dream in Perl sometimes... -- Larry Wall in <8538@jpl-devvax.JPL.NASA.GOV>?i'Help save the world!' -- Larry Wall in READMEghS#define SIGILL 6 /* blech */ -- Larry Wall in perl.c from the perl source codeBg Be consistent. -- Larry Wall in the perl man page K[6wKY{7A gambler's biggest thrill is winning a bet. His next biggest thrill is losing a bet.ezOPerl will always provide the null. -- Larry Wall in <199801151818.KAA14538@wall.org>eyOPortability should be the default. -- Larry Wall in <199711072201.OAA01123@wall.org>axGMaybe it's time to break that. -- Larry Wall in <199710311718.JAA19082@wall.org>Xw5Beauty? What's that? -- Larry Wall in <199710221937.MAA25131@wall.org>Wv3No, that'd be silly. -- Larry Wall in <199710221710.KAA24242@wall.org>euOBut you'll notice Perl has a goto. -- Larry Wall in <199710211624.JAA17833@wall.org>`tEThat wouldn't be good enough. -- Larry Wall in <199710131621.JAA14907@wall.org>Us/:-) your own self. -- Larry Wall in <199709261754.KAA23761@wall.org>JrMay you do Good Magic with Perl. -- Larry Wall's blessing YoiSYaGHorse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on people. -- W. C. Fields>Go directly to jail. Do not pass Go, do not collect $200.R)Give me a fish and I will eat today. Teach me to fish and I will eat forever.cKFrom 0 to 'what seems to be the problem officer' in 8.3 seconds. -- Ad for the new VW CorradoV1Football is a game designed to keep coalminers off the streets. -- Jimmy BreslinT-Every creature has within him the wild, uncontrollable urge to punt. -- Snoopy_CEver feel like you're the head pin on life's bowling alley, and everyone's rolling strikes?JEver feel like life was a game and you had the wrong instruction book?T~-Bill Dickey is learning me his experience. -- Yogi Berra in his rookie season.T}-[Babe] Ruth made a big mistake when he gave up pitching. -- Tris Speaker, 19217|uA nickel ain't worth a dime anymore. -- Yogi Berra ah}{^ aW3If you sit down at a poker game and don't see a sucker, get up. You're the sucker.LIf you don't know what game you're playing, don't ask what the score is.Q'If swimming is so good for your figure, how come whales look the way they do?;I've only got 12 cards.5qI'd rather push my Harley than ride a rice burner.g SI would rather say that a desire to drive fast sports cars is what sets man apart from the animals.] ?I never met a man I didn't want to fight. -- Lyle Alzado, professional football lineman4 oI like your game but we have to change the rules.a GI just know I'm a better manager when I have Joe DiMaggio in center field. -- Casey StengelM I guess the Little League is even littler than we thought. -- D. CavettS+I can't decide whether to commit suicide or go bowling. -- Florence Henderson?How can you think and hit at the same time? -- Yogi Berra b[(Mo2b, _Never play pool with anyone named 'Fats'.7uNadia Comaneci, simple perfection. -- '76 OlympicsdMMy way of joking is to tell the truth. That's the funniest joke in the world. -- Muhammad Ali:{Most people's favorite way to end a game is by winning.)YLove means nothing to a tennis player.9yLife is a yo-yo, and mankind ties knots in the string.>Life is a game of bridge -- and you've just been finessed.2kKeep grandma off the streets -- legalize bingo.IIt's not whether you win or lose, it's how you look playing the game.U/It's not whether you win or lose but how you played the game. -- Grantland Rice4oIt's like deja vu all over again. -- Yogi Berra0gIt gets late early out there. -- Yogi BerraD If you're carrying a torch, put it down. The Olympics are over.[;If you want to see card tricks, you have to expect to take cards. -- Harry Blackstone d`v(N dC- The real problem with hunting elephants is carrying the decoys.],?The one sure way to make a lazy man look respectable is to put a fishing rod in his hand.A+Teamwork is essential -- it allows you to blame someone else./*eSupport Bingo, keep Grandma off the streets.Q)'So I'm ugly. So what? I never saw anyone hit with his face. -- Yogi BerraQ('Sailing is fun, but scrubbing the decks is aardvark. -- Heard on Noahs' arkK'Rube Walker: 'Hey, Yogi, what time is it?' Yogi Berra: 'You mean now?'&P-K44%oOne way to stop a runaway horse is to bet on him.>$One thought driven home is better than three left on base.e#OOn Thanksgiving Day all over America, families sit down to dinner at the same moment -- halftime.4"oNothing increases your golf score like witnesses.f!QNEWS FLASH!! Today the East German pole-vault champion became the West German pole-vault champion. `X+oOl/`e:O[A computer is] like an Old Testament god, with a lot of rules and no mercy. -- Joseph Campbelld9MA complex system that works is invariably found to have evolved from a simple system that works.:8{A bug in the hand is better than one as yet undetected.77uA bug in the code is worth two in the documentation."6K1: No code table for op: ++postG5Winning isn't everything. It's the only thing. -- Vince Lombardi74uWinning isn't everything, but losing isn't anything.3AWhen in doubt, lead trump.Z29Trust everybody, but cut the cards. -- Finlay Peter Dunne, 'Mr. Dooley's Philosophy'\1=To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and, whatever you hit, call it the target.*0[They also surf who only stand on waves.Q/'The whole of life is futile unless you consider it as a sporting proposition.Q.'The surest way to remain a winner is to win once, and then not play any more. pKIF'p!GIA rolling disk gathers no MOS.^FAA programming language is low level when its programs require attention to the irrelevant./EeA nasty looking dwarf throws a knife at you.D?A modem is a baudy house.@CA list is only as strong as its weakest link. -- Don Knuth^BAA LISP programmer knows the value of everything, but the cost of nothing. -- Alan Perlis\A=A language that doesn't affect the way you think about programming is not worth knowing.>@A hacker does for love what others would not do for money.7?uA Fortran compiler is the hobgoblin of little minis.G>A formal parsing algorithm should not always be used. -- D. Gries:={A CONS is an object which cares. -- Bernie Greenberg.g<SA computer without COBOL and Fortran is like a piece of chocolate cake without ketchup and mustard.H;A computer scientist is someone who fixes things that aren't broken. 0D"pk)_0,W_Any program which runs right is obsolete.0VgAny given program, when running, is obsolete.:U{Any given program will expand to fill available memory.TCAnother megabytes the dust.6SsAnd on the seventh day, He exited from append mode.?RAn engineer is someone who does list processing in FORTRAN.3QmAn elephant is a mouse with an operating system.S/sv">[e;Asynchronous inputs are at the root of our race problems. -- D. Winker and F. Prosser*d[Ask not for whom the tolls.cCASHes to ASHes, DOS to DOS.5bqASCII a stupid question, you get an EBCDIC answer.Qa'As Will Rogers would have said, 'There is no such things as a free variable.'<`As of next week, passwords will be entered in Morse code.Y_7As of next Tuesday, C will be flushed in favor of COBOL. Please update your programs._^CAs of next Thursday, UNIX will be flushed in favor of TOPS-10. Please update your programs.S]+As far as we know, our computer has never had an undetected error. -- Weisert:\{As a computer, I find your faith in technology amusing.&[SAre we running light with overbyte?!ZIAPL hackers do it in the quad.YY7Any sufficiently advanced bug is indistinguishable from a feature. -- Rich KulawiecNX!Any programming language is at its best before it is implemented and used. '>d1q'GtBreadth-first search is the bulldozer of science. -- Randy GoebelsABrain fried -- Core dumpedr3BLISS is ignorance.Oq#Blinding speed can compensate for a lot of deficiencies. -- David Nicholsp=Beware the new TTY code!boIBeware of the Turing Tar-pit in which everything is possible but nothing of interest is easy.HnBeware of Programmers who carry screwdrivers. -- Leonard BrandweindmMBeware of bugs in the above code; I have only proved it correct, not tried it. -- Donald Knuth0lgBell Labs Unix -- Reach out and grep someone.9kyBehind every great computer sits a skinny little geek.HjBe careful when a loop exits to the same place from side and bottom.Pi%BASIC is to computer programming as QWERTY is to typing. -- Seymour PapertIhBASIC is the Computer Science equivalent of `Scientific Creationism'.AgBasic is a high level languish. APL is a high level anguish./feAvoid strange women and temporary variables. =G c9u=5qCan't open /usr/share/games/fortunes/fortunes.dat.LCan't open /usr/share/games/fortunes/fortunes. Lid stuck on cookie jar..cCalm down, it's *____only* ones and zeroes.AC++ is the best example of second-system effect since OS/360.]?C'est magnifique, mais ce n'est pas l'Informatique. -- Bosquet [on seeing the IBM 4341]~+C for yourself.2}kC Code. C Code Run. Run, Code, RUN! PLEASE!!!!|/Byte your tongue.f{QBYTE editors are people who separate the wheat from the chaff, and then carefully print the chaff.Oz#'But what we need to know is, do people want nasally-insertable computers?'.ycBus error -- please leave by the rear door. xGBus error -- driver executed.;w}Building translators is good clean fun. -- T. CheathamPv%Build a system that even a fool can use and only a fool will want to use it.cuKBringing computers into the home won't change either one, but may revitalize the corner saloon. C\/FcCeOCounting in octal is just like counting in decimal--if you don't use your thumbs. -- Tom LehrereOCounting in binary is just like counting in decimal -- if you are all thumbs. -- Glaser and WayMComputers don't actually think. You just think they think. (We think.)N!Computers are useless. They can only give you answers. -- Pablo Picasso< Computers are not intelligent. They only think they are.P %Computer Science is merely the post-Turing decline in formal systems theory.> Computer programs expand so as to fill the core available.I Computer programmers never die, they just get lost in the processing.+ ]Computer programmers do it byte by byte.+]Cobol programmers are down in the dumps.*[COBOL is for morons. -- E.W. Dijkstra#MCenter meeting at 4pm in 2C-543.FCCI Power 6/40: one board, a megabyte of cache, and an attitude...2kCChheecckk yyoouurr dduupplleexx sswwiittcchh.. \j(W`D\- aDo not use the blue keys on this terminal.cKDo not simplify the design of a program if a way can be found to make it complex and wonderful.O#Do not meddle in the affairs of troff, for it is subtle and quick to anger.9Disks travel in packs. GDisk crisis, please clean up!gSDisclaimer: 'These opinions are my own, though for a small fee they be yours too.' -- Dave Haynie$ODisc space -- the final frontier!@Digital circuits are made from analog parts. -- Don Vonada?Different all twisty a of in maze are you, passages little.X5Did you know that for the price of a 280-Z you can buy two Z-80's? -- P.J. Plauger1iDeliver yesterday, code today, think tomorrow.?DEC diagnostics would run on a dead whale. -- Mel Ferentz!IDebug is human, de-fix divine.C %DCL-MEM-BAD, bad memory VMS-F-PDGERS, pudding between the ears)YCrazee Edeee, his prices are INSANE!!! 2~S^$ ^x2C2 Excessive login or logout messages are a sure sign of senility.P1%Evolution is a million line computer program falling into place by accident.J0Everybody needs a little love sometime; stop hacking and fall in love!C/ Every program is a part of some other program, and rarely fits.*.[Even bytes get lonely for a little bit.-E<<<<< EVACUATION ROUTE <<<<<,CError in operator: add beer+9Equal bytes for women.*?/earth: file system full.)7Earth is a beta site.7(u/earth is 98% full ... please delete anyone you can.N'!Each new user of a new system uncovers a new class of bugs. -- Kernighan&+E Pluribus UnixK%Due to lack of disk space, this fortune database has been discontinued.>$Don't sweat it -- it's only ones and zeros. -- P. Skelly(#WDon't hit the keys so hard, it hurts.<"Don't compare floating point numbers solely for equality.@!Do you guys know what you're doing, or are you just hacking? Uk&GWA"U?DGod made machine language; all the rest is the work of man.(CWGod is real, unless declared integer."BK//GO.SYSIN DD *, DOODAH, DOODAH8AwGIVE: Support the helpless victims of computer error.@?Garbage In -- Gospel Out.?-Function reject.<>Frankly, Scarlett, I don't have a fix. -- Rhett Buggler=1fortune: not found%<Qfortune: No such file or directory?;fortune: cpu time/usefulness ratio too high -- core dumped.,:_fortune: cannot execute. Out of cookies.c9K[FORTRAN] will persist for some time -- probably for at least the next decade. -- T. Cheatham.8cFORTRAN rots the brain. -- John McQuillinE7FORTRAN is the language of Powerful Computers. -- Steven FeinerB6 FORTRAN is for pipe stress freaks and crystallography weenies.51FORTH IF HONK THENU4/Feeling amorous, she looked under the sheets and cried, 'Oh, no, it's Microsoft!'"3KFACILITY REJECTED 100044200000; L_"]&s:xL)VYHOST SYSTEM RESPONDING, PROBABLY UP...IUHOST SYSTEM NOT RESPONDING, PROBABLY DOWN. DO YOU WANT TO WAIT? (Y/N)T#HOLY MACRO!bSIHeuristics are bug ridden by definition. If they didn't have bugs, then they'd be algorithms.6RsHELP!!!! I'm being held prisoner in /usr/games/lib!%QQHelp! I'm trapped in a PDP 11/70!4PoHelp! I'm trapped in a Chinese computer factory!QO'Help stamp out Mickey-Mouse computer interfaces -- Menus are for Restaurants!4NoHelp me, I'm a prisoner in a Fortune cookie file!,M_HEAD CRASH!! FILES LOST!! Details at 11.+L]Have you reconsidered a computer career?KCHappiness is twin floppies.J?Happiness is a hard disk.%IQ/* Halley */ (Halley's comment.):H{Hacking's just another word for nothing left to kludge.GEHackers of the world, unite!GFHackers are just a migratory lifeform with a tropism for computers.2Ekgrep me no patterns and I'll tell you no lines. )K~4V)*f[I wish you humans would leave me alone./eeI must have slipped a disk -- my pack hurts!?dI haven't lost my mind -- it's backed up on tape somewhere. cGI have not yet begun to byte!Db I have a very small mind and must live with it. -- E. DijkstraHaI do not fear computers. I fear the lack of them. -- Isaac Asimov+`]I came, I saw, I deleted all your files.8_wI bet the human brain is a kludge. -- Marvin Minsky4^oI am the wandering glitch -- catch me if you can.\]=I am not now, nor have I ever been, a member of the demigodic party. -- Dennis Ritchie\#I am NOMAD!S[+I am a computer. I am dumber than any human and smarter than any administrator.cZKI *____knew* I had some reason for not logging you off... If I could just remember what it was.HYHow much net work could a network work, if a network could net work?3Xm'How do I love thee? My accumulator overflows.'1WiHow can you work when the system's so crowded? aDq"b aCt If it's worth hacking on well, it's worth hacking on for money.1siIf it's not in the computer, it doesn't exist.,r_If it has syntax, it isn't user friendly.Uq/If graphics hackers are so smart, why can't they get the bugs out of fresh paint?KpIf God had intended Man to program, we'd be born with serial I/O ports.1oiIf God had a beard, he'd be a UNIX programmer.;n}If at first you don't succeed, you must be a programmer.LmIf a train station is a place where a train stops, what's a workstation?Ql'If a listener nods his head when you're explaining your program, wake him up.8kwI've noticed several design suggestions in your code.AjI've looked at the listing, and it's right! -- Joel HalpernEiI'm still waiting for the advent of the computer science groupie.LhI'm all for computer dating, but I wouldn't want one to marry my sister."gKI'm a Lisp variable -- bind me! ,hl f",U/In the long run, every program becomes rococco, and then rubble. -- Alan Perlis:{In every non-trivial program there is at least one bug.^~AIn English, every word can be verbed. Would that it were so in our programming languages.A}In computing, the mean time to failure keeps getting shorter.e|OIgnorance is bliss. -- Thomas Gray Fortune updates the great quotes, #42: BLISS is ignorance.O{#If you think the system is working, ask someone who's waiting for a prompt.IzIf you have a procedure with 10 parameters, you probably missed some.6ysIf this is timesharing, give me my share right now.Zx9If the code and the comments disagree, then both are probably wrong. -- Norm SchryercwK'If that makes any sense to you, you have a big problem.' -- C. Durance, Computer Science 234@vIf Machiavelli were a programmer, he'd have worked for AT&T.Ru)If Machiavelli were a hacker, he'd have worked for the CSSG. -- Phil Lapsley &X<dz7G&CKiss your keyboard goodbye!GKeep the number of passes in a compiler to a minimum. -- D. Griesf QJust go with the flow control, roll with the crunches, and, when you get a prompt, type like hell.: {It's ten o'clock; do you know where your processes are?@ 'It's not just a computer -- it's your ass.' -- Cal KeeganX 5'It runs like _x, where _x is something unsavory' -- Prof. Romas Aleliunas, CS 435> [It is] best to confuse only one issue at a time. -- K&RKIt is now pitch dark. If you proceed, you will likely fall into a pit.MIt is easier to write an incorrect program than understand a correct one.P%It is easier to change the specification to fit the program than vice versa.2kIs your job running? You'd better go catch it!9: is not an identifier9yIs a computer language with goto's totally Wirth-less?;IOT trap -- core dumpedLIntel CPUs are not defective, they just act that way. -- Henry Spencer Ba7nv-BaGMarvelous! The super-user's going to boot me! What a finely tuned response to the situation!/eMake sure your code does nothing gracefully.R)Machines that have broken down will work perfectly when the repairman arrives.FMAC user's dynamic debugging list evaluator? Never heard of that.9Loose bits sink chips.C Long computations which yield zero are probably all for naught.<Logic doesn't apply to the real world. -- Marvin MinskyT-Lisp Users: Due to the holiday next Monday, there will be no garbage collection.7uLine Printer paper is strongest at the perforations.0gLike punning, programming is a play on words.Y7Life would be so much easier if we could just look at the source code. -- Dave Olson'ULeveraging always beats prototyping.bILet the machine do the dirty work. -- 'Elements of Programming Style', Kernighan and Ritchie#M((lambda (foo) (bar foo)) (baz)))Know Thy User. }m7]W}(.WMultics is security spelled sideways.B- MSDOS is not dead, it just smells that way. -- Henry Spencer",KMOUNT TAPE U1439 ON B3, NO RINGB+ Most public domain software is free, at least at first glance.2*kMommy, what happens to your files when you die?O)#Modeling paged and segmented memories is tricky business. -- P.J. Denning1(iMessage from Our Sponsor on ttyTV at 13:58 ...H'MESSAGE ACKNOWLEDGED -- The Pershing II missiles have been launched.A&Memory fault -- core...uh...um...core... Oh dammit, I forget!%CMemory fault -- brain fried$AMemory fault - where am I?R#)Maybe Computer Science should be in the College of Theology. -- R. S. Barton3"mMay the bluebird of happiness twiddle your bits.6!sMay Euell Gibbons eat your only copy of the manual!! IMay all your PUSHes be POPped.3m** MAXIMUM TERMINALS ACTIVE. TRY AGAIN LATER ** ;9\6^;E>My little brother got this fortune: nohup rm -fr /& So he did...1=iNobody said computers were going to be polite.e<ONo wonder Clairol makes so much money selling shampoo. Lather, Rinse, Repeat is an infinite loop!<;No man is an island if he's on at least one mailing list.!:INo line available at 300 baud.>9No extensible language will be universal. -- T. Cheatham8'No directory.7%news: gotcha%6QNew systems generate new problems.#5MNew crypt. See /usr/news/crypt.#4MNever trust an operating system.43oNever trust a computer you can't repair yourself.R2)Never test for an error condition you don't know how to handle. -- SteinbachN1!Never put off till run-time what you can do at compile-time. -- D. Griesf0QNever make anything simple and efficient when a way can be found to make it complex and wonderful.[/;My sister opened a computer store in Hawaii. She sells C shells down by the seashore. BV; ]"c1 uB0OgOverload -- core meltdown sequence initiated.6NsOverflow on /dev/null, please empty the bit bucket.ZM9Over the shoulder supervision is more a need of the manager than the programming task.#LMOne picture is worth 128K words./KeOne person's error is another person's data.HJ'One Architecture, One OS' also translates as 'One Egg, One Basket'.DI On the Internet, nobody knows you're a dog. -- Cartoon caption*H[On the eighth day, God created FORTRAN.8GwOn a clear disk you can seek forever. -- P. DenningAFOld programmers never die, they just hit account block limit.AEOld programmers never die, they just branch to a new address.8DwOld programmers never die, they just become managers.C7Old mail has arrived.B7Oh, so there you are!CA 'Nuclear war can ruin your whole compile.' -- Karl Lehenbauer@-Nothing happens.K?Not only is UNIX dead, it's starting to smell really bad. -- Rob Pike I}E"zeR pI$aOPut no trust in cryptic comments.`+PURGE COMPLETE.#_MProgramming is an unnatural act. ^GProgrammers do it bit by bit.;]}Profanity is the one language all programmers know best.C\ Premature optimization is the root of all evil. -- D.E. Knuth['PLUG IT IN!!!Z+Please go away.MYPlay Rogue, visit exotic locations, meet strange creatures and kill them.UX/Per buck you get more computing action with the small computer. -- R.W. Hamming WGPause for storage relocation.7VuPasswords are implemented as a result of insecurity.`UE'Pascal is Pascal is Pascal is dog meat.' -- M. Devine and P. Larson, Computer Science 340:T{Pascal is not a high-level language. -- Steven Feiner[S;Pascal is a language for children wanting to be naughty. -- Dr. Kasi AnanthanarayananREpanic: kernel trap (ignored)EQpanic: kernel segmentation violation. core dumped (only kidding)P3panic: can't find / V+s. =~V%oQReal Users never use the Help key.dnMReal Users never know what they want, but they always know when your program doesn't deliver it..mcReal Users know your home telephone number.$lOReal Users hate Real Programmers.dkMReal Users find the one combination of bizarre input values that shuts down the system for days.cjKReal Users are afraid they'll break the machine -- but they're never afraid to break your face.!iIReal programs don't eat cache.Bh Real Programmers think better when playing Adventure or Rogue.LgReal Programmers don't eat quiche. They eat Twinkies and Szechwan food.ffQReal programmers don't comment their code. It was hard to write, it should be hard to understand.geSReal computer scientists like having a computer on their desk, else how could they read their mail?dEReactor error - core dumped!cARAM wasn't built in a day.&bSRADIO SHACK LEVEL II BASIC READY >_ 0w?j?|`s0@Slowly and surely the unix crept up on the Nintendo user ...aGSimulations are like miniskirts, they show a lot and hide the essentials. -- Hubert Kirrman ~GShe sells cshs by the cshore.c}KSendmail may be safely run set-user-id to root. -- Eric Allman, 'Sendmail Installation Guide'|9Send some filthy mail."{KSecurity check: INTRUDER ALERT!Cz Science is to computer science as hydrodynamics is to plumbing.Uy/SCCS, the source motel! Programs check in and never check out! -- Ken Thompson(xWSay 'twenty-three-skiddoo' to logout.'wUSave yourself! Reboot in 5 seconds!!vISave gas, don't use the shell.'uUSave energy: Drive a smaller shell.5tqRow, row, row your bits, gently down the stream..."sKRemember: use logout to logout.5rqRemember, UNIX spelled backwards is XINU. -- Mt.5qqRemember the good old days, when CPU was singular?Np!Recursion is the root of computation since it trades description for time. eo7EheC The 'cutting edge' is getting rather dull. -- Andy Purshottam9That does not compute.O #Testing can show the presense of bugs, but not their absence. -- DijkstraL Systems programmers are the high priests of a low cult. -- R.S. BartonO # *** System shutdown message from root *** System going down in 60 seconds ASystem restarting, wait..." KSystem going down in 5 minutes.C System going down at 5 this afternoon to install scheduler bug.?System going down at 1:45 this afternoon for disk crashing.CSystem checkpoint complete.(WSwap read error. You lose your mind.aGStinginess with privileges is kindness in disguise. -- Guide to VAX/VMS Security, Sep. 19845qStaff meeting in the conference room in 3 minutes.6sStaff meeting in the conference room in %d minutes.U/Somebody's terminal is dropping bits. I found a pile of them over in the corner. \7~Ds KThe nicest thing about the Alto is that it doesn't run faster at night.;}The moving cursor writes, and having written, blinks on.eOThe most important early product on the way to developing a good product is an imperfect version.1iThe Macintosh is Xerox technology at its best.5qThe less time planning, the more time programming.-aThe first version always gets thrown away.2kThe disks are getting full; purge a file today.7uThe debate rages on: Is PL/I Bachtrian or Dromedary?JThe computing field is always in need of new cliches. -- Alan Perlis G'The Computer made me do it.'FThe clothes have no emperor. -- C.A.R. Hoare, commenting on ADA."KThe bogosity meter just pegged.Q'The best way to accelerate a Macintoy is at 9.8 meters per second per second.MThe absence of labels [in ECL] is probably a good thing. -- T. Cheatham Zl2j0>Z&+SThe world is not octal despite DEC.2*kThe world is coming to an end. Please log off.9)yThe world is coming to an end ... SAVE YOUR BUFFERS!!!G(The value of a program is proportional to the weight of its output.c'KThe trouble with computers is that they do what you tell them, not what you want. -- D. CohenC& The system will be down for 10 days for preventive maintenance.C% The system was down for backups from 5am to 10am last Saturday.7$uThe steady state of disks is full. -- Ken Thompson>#The road to hell is paved with NAND gates. -- J. GoodingG"The reason computer chips are so small is computers don't eat much.:!{The program isn't debugged until the last user is dead.7 uThe only thing worse than X Windows: (X Windows) - X0gThe only thing cheaper than hardware is talk.^AThe number of arguments is unimportant unless some of them are correct. -- Ralph Hartley EwB%5RxE0:gThis file will self-destruct in five minutes.A9This dungeon is owned and operated by Frobozz Magic Co., Ltd.P8%Think of your family tonight. Try to crawl home after the computer crashes.@7Think of it! With VLSI we can pack 100 ENIACs in 1 sq. cm.!Z69They are relatively good but absolutely terrible. -- Alan Kay, commenting on Apollos65sThere's got to be more to life than compile-and-go.J4There is no distinction between any AI program and some existent game.N3!There are two ways to write error-free programs; only the third one works.92yThere are three kinds of people: men, women, and unix.81wThere are running jobs. Why don't you go chase them?%0QThere are no games on this system./;There are new messages.2.kThere are never any bugs you haven't found yet.O-#THEGODDESSOFTHENETHASTWISTINGFINGERSANDHERVOICEISLIKEAJAVELININTHENIGHTDUDE4,oThe world will end in 5 minutes. Please log out. (uJY0=j(?JTo iterate is human, to recurse, divine. -- Robert HellerJITo err is human, to forgive, beyond the scope of the Operating System.AHTo err is human -- to blame it on a computer is even more so.?GTo communicate is the beginning of understanding. -- AT&TRF)To be a kind of moral Unix, he touched the hem of Nature's shift. -- Shelley`EETime-sharing is the junk-mail part of the computer business. -- H.R.J. Grosch (attributed)8DwTime sharing: The use of many people by the computer.&CSThrashing is just virtual crashing.]B?Those who do not understand Unix are condemned to reinvent it, poorly. -- Henry Spencer(AWThose who can't write, write manuals..@c* * * * * THIS TERMINAL IS IN USE * * * * *2?kThis system will self-destruct in five minutes.(>WThis screen intentionally left blank.=AThis login session: $13.992<kThis login session: $13.76, but for you $11.88.3;mThis is an unauthorized cybernetic announcement. hU_?lR h.Zc* UNIX is a Trademark of Bell Laboratories.NY!Unix is a Registered Bell of AT&T Trademark Laboratories. -- Donn SeeleyX?UNIX enhancements aren't.FW U X e dUdX, e dX, cosine, secant, tangent, sine, 3.14159...V5Type louder, please.HUTrying to establish voice contact ... please ____yell into keyboard. Ttry again(SWTry `stty 0' -- it works much better.KRTruly simple systems... require infinite testing. -- Norman AugustineQATrap full -- please empty.,P_TRANSACTION CANCELLED - FARECARD RETURNED6OsTomorrow's computers some time next month. -- DEC6NsToday is the first day of the rest of your lossage.RM)Today is a good day for information-gathering. Read someone else's mail file.MLTo understand a program you must become both the machine and the program.XK5To the systems programmer, users and applications serve only to provide a test load. VU7kU-fV k!<< WAIT >>j3VMS version 2.0 ==>)iYVMS is like a nightmare about RXS-11M.$hOVitamin C deficiency is apauling.Fg'Virtual' means never knowing where your next byte is coming from.f%Vax Vobiscum%eQVariables don't; constants aren't.d-/usr/news/gotchaLcUsing TSO is like kicking a dead whale down the beach. -- S.C. Johnsonb'User hostile.gaSUSENET would be a better laboratory if there were more labor and less oratory. -- Elizabeth HaleyQ`'Usage: fortune -P [] -a [xsz] [Q: [file]] [rKe9] -v6[+] dataspec ... inputdirC_ Usage: fortune -P [-f] -a [xsz] Q: file [rKe9] -v6[+] file1 ...B^ Unix will self-destruct in five seconds... 4... 3... 2... 1...<]Unix soit qui mal y pense [Unix to him who evil thinks?]S\+Unix is the worst operating system; except for all others. -- Berry KerchevalR[)UNIX is many things to many people, but it's never been everything to anybody. AYCw9xA4yoWithin a computer, natural language is unnatural.x;With your bare hands?!?Nw!Why do we want intelligent terminals when there are so many stupid users?Pv%Why did the Roman Empire collapse? What is the Latin for office automation?;u}Whom computers would destroy, they must first drive mad.KtWhen we write programs that 'learn', it turns out we do and they don't.:s{When Dexter's on the Internet, can Hell be far behind?'>rWhat this country needs is a good five cent microcomputer.Rq)[We] use bad software and bad machines for the wrong things. -- R.W. HammingGpWe don't really understand it, so we'll give it to the programmers.o3We are not a clone.[n;We are Microsoft. Unix is irrelevant. Openness is futile. Prepare to be assimilated.FmWe are experiencing system trouble -- do not adjust your terminal.[l;We are drowning in information but starved for knowledge. -- John Naisbitt, Megatrends ^{K[,lG,^8 wYou had mail. Paul read it, so ask him what it said.< You had mail, but the super-user read it, and deleted it!Q'You don't have to know how the computer works, just how to work the computer.7You do not have mail."KYou can't take damsel here now.2k'You can't make a program without broken egos.'1iYou can't go home again, unless you set $HOME.(WYou can be replaced by this computer.)YYou are lost in the Swamps of Despair.,_You are in the hall of the mountain king.AYou are in a maze of little twisting passages, all different.<You are in a maze of little twisting passages, all alike.~3You are false data.Q}'You are an insult to my intelligence! I demand that you log off immediately.-|aWriting software is more fun than working.<{Would you people stop playing these stupid games?!?!?!!!!Cz Work continues in this area. -- DEC's SPR-Answering-Automaton WT;' tImDWJYour files are now being encrypted and thrown into the bit bucket. EOF?Your fault -- core dumped@Your computer account is overdrawn. Please see Big Brother.;}Your computer account is overdrawn. Please reauthorize.&SYour code should be more efficient!=You've been Berkeley'ed!(WYou're using a keyboard! How quaint!!IYou're not Dave. Who are you?7You're at Witt's End.&SYou're already carrying the sphere!(WYou will lose an important tape file.(WYou will lose an important disk file..cYou will have many recoverable tape errors.3mYou will have a head crash on your private pack./eYou scratch my tape, and I'll scratch yours.5You might have mail.)You have mail.3You have junk mail.C  You have a tendency to feel you are superior to most computers.( WYou have a message from the operator.8 wYou have a massage (from the Swedish prime minister). ct0vZ cD+ A fair exterior is a silent recommendation. -- Publilius Syrus`*EA cynic is a person searching for an honest man, with a stolen lantern. -- Edgar A. ShoaffJ)A compliment is something like a kiss through a veil. -- Victor HugoX(5A city is a large community where people are lonesome together -- Herbert Prochnowd'MA bore is someone who persists in holding his own views after we have enlightened him with ours.W&3A bore is a man who talks so much about himself that you can't talk about yourself.R%)A 'full' life in my experience is usually full only of other people's demands.b$I'Don't fear the pen. When in doubt, draw a pretty picture.' --Baker's Third Law of Design.A#Your program is sick! Shoot it and put it out of its memory.&"SYour password is pitifully obvious./!eYour mode of life will be changed to EBCDIC.. cYour mode of life will be changed to ASCII. }vE\<}\7=A prig is a fellow who is always making you a present of his opinions. -- George Eliot]6?A pessimist is a man who has been compelled to live with an optimist. -- Elbert HubbardE5A person is just about as big as the things that make them angry.54qA person forgives only when they are in the wrong.Q3' 'A penny for your thoughts?' 'A dollar for your death.' -- The Odd CoupleI2A pat on the back is only a few centimeters from a kick in the pants.X15A paranoid is a man who knows a little of what's going on. -- William S. BurroughsH0A narcissist is someone better looking than you are. -- Gore Vidal@/A man with 3 wings and a dictionary is cousin to the turkey...cA man who turns green has eschewed protein.<-A man who keeps stealing mopeds is an obvious cycle-path.H,A friend is a present you give yourself. -- Robert Louis Stevenson #;B8#YC7After living in New York, you trust nobody, but you believe everything. Just in case.XB5After all, it is only the mediocre who are always at their best. -- Jean Giraudoux[A;Advice to young men: Be ascetic, and if you can't be ascetic, then at least be aseptic.J@Advice is a dangerous gift; be cautious about giving and receiving it.P?%According to the obituary notices, a mean and unimportant person never dies.?>Accept people for what they are -- completely unacceptable.%=QA well-known friend is a treasure.[<;A well adjusted person is one who makes the same mistake twice without getting nervous.^;AA truly great man will neither trample on a worm nor sneak to an emperor. -- B. Franklin7:uA sadist is a masochist who follows the Golden Rule.[9;A real person has two reasons for doing anything ... a good reason and the real reason.d8MA private sin is not so prejudicial in the world as a public indecency. -- Miguel de Cervantes ?z(\ G?LOAlways borrow money from a pessimist; he doesn't expect to be paid back.YN7All the world's a stage and most of us are desperately unrehearsed. -- Sean O'CaseyZM9All possibility of understanding is rooted in the ability to say no. -- Susan SontagZL9All of the animals except man know that the principal business of life is to enjoy it.dKM'All my life I wanted to be someone; I guess I should have been more specific.' -- Jane WagnerNJ!All my friends and I are crazy. That's the only thing that keeps us sane.@IAll most people want is a little more than they'll ever get.*H[All men have the right to wait in line.YG7All I want is a warm bed and a kind word and unlimited power. -- Ashleigh BrilliantOF#All I ask of life is a constant and exaggerated sense of my own importance.HEAh, sweet Springtime, when a young man lightly turns his fancy over!8DwAh say, son, you're about as sharp as a bowlin' ball. 4] MU&v4?]Anybody can win, unless there happens to be a second entry.W\3Any man who hates dogs and babies can't be all bad. -- Leo Rosten, on W.C. FieldsS[+Any clod can have the facts, but having opinions is an art. -- Charles McCabe,Z_Anger kills as surely as the other vices.*Y[Anger is momentary madness. -- Horace*X[And on the eighth day, we bulldozed it.MWAn optimist is a guy that has never had much experience. -- Don MarquisKVAn intellectual is someone whose mind watches itself. -- Albert CamusSU+An idealist is one who helps the other fellow to make a profit. -- Henry Ford#TMAn evil mind is a great comfort.ASAn effective way to deal with predators is to taste terrible.MRAmerica's best buy for a quarter is a telephone call to the right person.[Q;Ambition is a poor excuse for not having sense enough to be lazy. -- Charlie McCarthyBP Always remember that you are unique. Just like everyone else. K[[RKEiBacon's not the only thing that's cured by hanging from a string.ehOBack when I was a boy, it was 40 miles to everywhere, uphill both ways and it was always snowing.Tg-Ask yourself whether you are happy and you cease to be so. -- John Stuart MillUf/Ask not what's inside your head, but what your head's inside of. -- J.J. GibsonUe/As crazy as hauling timber into the woods. -- Quintus Horatius Flaccus (Horace)Vd1'Arguments with furniture are rarely productive.' -- Kehlog Albran, 'The Profit'.ccAppearances often are deceiving. -- Aesop1bi'Apathy is not the problem, it's the solution'Na!Apathy Club meeting this Friday. If you want to come, you're not invited.G`Anyone stupid enough to be caught by the police is probably guilty.I_Anybody with money to burn will easily find someone to tend the fire.V^1Anybody who doesn't cut his speed at the sight of a police car is probably parked. 9\xN9cuKBefore destruction a man's heart is haughty, but humility goes before honour. -- Psalms 18:12]t?Before borrowing money from a friend, decide which you need more. -- Addison H. HallockLsBeauty may be skin deep, but ugly goes clear to the bone. -- Redd Foxx_rCBe valiant, but not too venturous. Let thy attire be comely, but not costly. -- John Lyly/qeBe self-reliant and your success is assured.9pyBe open to other people -- they may enrich your dream.Wo3Be not anxious about what you have, but about what you are. -- Pope St. Gregory IbnIBe nice to people on the way up, because you'll meet them on your way down. -- Wilson Mizner1miBe independent. Insult a rich relative today.HlBe incomprehensible. If they can't understand, they can't disagree.ckKBe careful how you get yourself involved with persons or situations that can't bear inspection.;j}Be braver -- you can't cross a chasm in two small jumps. >3^#`>>But Officer, I stopped for the last one, and it was green!4oBuck-passing usually turns out to be a boomerang.FBounders get bound when they are caught bounding. -- Ralph Lewin^ABlessed is he who expects nothing, for he shall never be disappointed. -- Alexander Pope_~CBlessed is he who expects no gratitude, for he shall not be disappointed. -- W.C. Bennett^}ABlessed are the forgetful: for they get the better even of their blunders. -- Nietzsche8|wBirthdays are like busses, never the number you want.?{Birds are entangled by their feet and men by their tongues.?zBEWARE! People acting under the influence of human nature.Ny!Beware of the man who knows the answer before he understands the question.]x?Beware of self-styled experts: an ex is a has-been, and a spurt is a drip under pressure."wKBeing ugly isn't illegal. Yet.EvBeing popular is important. Otherwise people might not like you. E6GZE_CCommon sense is the collection of prejudices acquired by age eighteen. -- Albert EinsteinL Common sense is instinct, and enough of it is genius. -- Josh Billingsa GComing together is a beginning; keeping together is progress; working together is success.- aCloning is the sincerest form of flattery. 9Clones are people two.Z 9Charm is a way of getting the answer 'Yes' -- without having asked any clear question.ACharacter is what you are in the dark! -- Lord John WhorfinW3Calling you stupid is an insult to stupid people! -- Wanda, 'A Fish Called Wanda'[;By nature, men are nearly alike; by practice, they get to be wide apart. -- Confucius4oBy failing to prepare, you are preparing to fail.^ABy doing just a little every day, you can gradually let the task completely overwhelm you.fQ'But officer, I was only trying to gain enough speed so I could coast to the nearest gas station.' <{Bn~<?Creativity is no substitute for knowing what you are doing.#MCourage is grace under pressure.-aCourage is fear that has said its prayers.B Correction does much, but encouragement does more. -- GoetheR)Conversation enriches the understanding, but solitude is the school of genius..cConvention is the ruler of all. -- Pindar]?Conscious is when you are aware of something and conscience is when you wish you weren't.@Conscience is what hurts when everything else feels so good.LConscience is a mother-in-law whose visit never ends. -- H. L. Mencken1iConformity is the refuge of the unimaginative.KConfidence is the feeling you have before you understand the situation.eOConfessions may be good for the soul, but they are bad for the reputation. -- Lord Thomas Dewar;}Confession is good for the soul, but bad for the career.D Conceit causes more conversation than wit. -- LaRouchefoucauld b6F jb?)Do not think by infection, catching an opinion like a cold.K(Do more than anyone expects, and pretty soon everyone will expect more.'9Do clones have navels?Y&7Distance doesn't make you any smaller, but it does make you part of a larger picture.@%Dishonor will not trouble me, once I am dead. -- Euripides]$?Did you know that clones never use mirrors? -- Ambrose Bierce, 'The Devil's Dictionary'6#sDelay is preferable to error. -- Thomas JeffersonX"5Defeat is worse than death because you have to live with defeat. -- Bill Musselman5!qDeath rays don't kill people, people kill people!!Z 9Dear Lord: Please make my words sweet and tender, for tomorrow I may have to eat them.Y7Dave Mack: 'Your stupidity, Allen, is simply not up to par.' Allen Gwinn: 'Yours is.'/eDare to be naive. -- R. Buckminster Fuller9yCriticism comes easier than craftsmanship. -- Zeuxis Hd(%]-HA6Don't say 'yes' until I finish talking. -- Darryl F. Zanuck85wDon't remember what you can infer. -- Harry Tennantc4KDon't put too fine a point to your wit for fear it should get blunted. -- Miguel de Cervantes-3aDon't interfere with the stranger's style.;2}Don't hit a man when he's down -- kick him; it's easier.O1#Don't expect people to keep in step--it's hard enough just staying in line.50qDon't ever slam a door; you might want to go back.`/EDon't despise your poor relations, they may become suddenly rich one day. -- Josh BillingsR.)Don't confuse things that need action with those that take care of themselves.H-Don't change the reason, just change the excuses! -- Joe Cointment9,yDon't believe everything you hear or anything you say.7+uDon't be overly suspicious where it's not warranted._*CDo you mean that you not only want a wrong answer, but a certain wrong answer? -- Tobaben Bm kF|PB:D{Even God lends a hand to honest boldness. -- Menander'CUEven a hawk is an eagle among crows.MBEtiquette is for those with no breeding; fashion for those with no taste.TA-Envy is a pain of mind that successful men cause their neighbors. -- Onasander)@YEnjoy yourself while you're still old.@?Enjoy your life; be pleasant and gay, like the birds in May.(>WElevators smell different to midgets.Y=7Early to bed and early to rise and you'll be groggy when everyone else is wide awake."<KDrive defensively. Buy a tank.M;Doubt is not a pleasant condition, but certainty is absurd. -- Voltaireb:IDon't you wish that all the people who sincerely want to help you could agree with each other?J9Don't try to have the last word -- you might get it. -- Lazarus LongJ8Don't tell me what you dreamed last night for I've been reading Freud.C7 Don't shoot until you're sure you both aren't on the same side. ;Si"n-;CR Everyone is more or less mad on one point. -- Rudyard Kipling&QSEveryone is entitled to my opinion.SP+Everyone is a genius. It's just that some people are too stupid to realize it.*O[Everyone hates me because I'm paranoid.>NEveryone complains of his memory, no one of his judgement.[I've already told you more than I know.M=I'm successful because I'm lucky. The harder I work, the luckier I get.4<oI'm sorry, but my karma just ran over your dogma.<;I'm sorry if the correct way of doing things offends you.?:I'm so miserable without you, it's almost like you're here.W93'I'm really enjoying not talking to you ... Let's not talk again ____REAL soon ...'f8QI'm not the person your mother warned you about... her imagination isn't that good. -- Amy Gorin;7}I'll pretend to trust you if you'll pretend to trust me.L6I waited and waited and when no message came I knew it must be from you.^5AI think I'm schizophrenic. One half of me's paranoid and the other half's out to get him. HKkb HdKMIf man is only a little lower than the angels, the angels should reform. -- Mary Wilson LittleWJ3If I'm over the hill, why is it I don't recall ever being on top? -- Jerry MuschaVI1If he should ever change his faith, it'll be because he no longer thinks he's God.MHIf God wanted us to be brave, why did he give us legs? -- Marvin KitmanaGGIf God hadn't wanted you to be paranoid, He wouldn't have given you such a vivid imagination.RF)If God had wanted you to go around nude, He would have given you bigger hands.JEIf God had meant for us to be naked, we would have been born that way.BD If God had intended Man to Walk, He would have given him Feet.KCIf a man has talent and cannot use it, he has failed. -- Thomas WolfeZB9Ideas don't stay in some minds very long because they don't like solitary confinement.UA/'I've seen, I SAY, I've seen better heads on a mug of beer' -- Senator Claghorn Yi.<@YCW 'If we were meant to fly, we wouldn't keep losing our luggage.'LVIf things don't improve soon, you'd better ask them to stop helping you.OU#If there was any justice in the world, 'trust' would be a four-letter word._TCIf there is a wrong way to do something, then someone will do it. -- Edward A. Murphy Jr.BS If someone says he will do something 'without fail', he won't.RR)If some people didn't tell you, you'd never know they'd been away on vacation.BQ If practice makes perfect, and nobody's perfect, why practice?\P=If people see that you mean them no harm, they'll never hurt you, nine times out of ten!KOIf opportunity came disguised as temptation, one knock would be enough.8NwIf only you had a personality instead of an attitude.BM If only I could be respected without having to be respectable.OL#If one studies too zealously, one easily loses his pants. -- A. Einstein. R^ h3GRUc/If you don't have a nasty obituary you probably didn't matter. -- Freeman DysonUb/If you don't go to other men's funerals they won't go to yours. -- Clarence DayBa If you don't do the things that are not worth doing, who will?V`1If you don't do it, you'll never know what would have happened if you had done it.8_wIf you don't care where you are, then you ain't lost.U^/If you didn't have most of your friends, you wouldn't have most of your problems.2]kIf you didn't get caught, did you really do it?5\qIf you continually give you will continually have.f[QIf you can't say anything good about someone, sit right here by me. -- Alice Roosevelt LongworthRZ)If you are honest because honesty is the best policy, your honesty is corrupt.JYIf you are a fatalist, what can you do about it? -- Ann Edwards-DuffRX)If we were meant to get up early, God would have created us with alarm clocks. Af^PAcoKIf you think things can't get worse it's probably only because you lack sufficient imagination.\n=If you think the problem is bad now, just wait until we've solved it. -- Arthur KasspeGmIf you think before you speak the other guy gets his joke in first.glSIf you talk to God, you are praying; if God talks to you, you have schizophrenia. -- Thomas Szasz[k;If you notice that a person is deceiving you, they must not be deceiving you very well.Cj If you mess with a thing long enough, it'll break. -- Schmidt-iaIf you had any brains, you'd be dangerous.Uh/If you go out of your mind, do it quietly, so as not to disturb those around you./geIf you flaunt it, expect to have it trashed.KfIf you explain so clearly that nobody can misunderstand, somebody will.Xe5If you don't say anything, you won't be called on to repeat it. -- Calvin Coolidge5Many people feel that if you won't let them make you happy, they'll make you suffer./=eMany people are secretly interested in life.%<QMany a family tree needs trimming.,;_Man's horizons are bounded by his vision.P:%Man invented language to satisfy his deep need to complain. -- Lily Tomlin<9Man has never reconciled himself to the ten commandments.?8Man has made his bedlam; let him lie in it. -- Fred Allen?7Man belongs wherever he wants to go. -- Wernher von Braun\6=Make no little plans; they have no magic to stir men's blood. -- Daniel Hudson Burnham 8?eH8ZQ9Most people have two reasons for doing anything -- a good reason, and the real reason.;P}Most people have a mind that's open by appointment only.@OMost people feel that everyone is entitled to their opinion./NeMost people deserve each other. -- ShirleyLMMost people can do without the essentials, but not without the luxuries.ALMost people are too busy to have time for anything important.*K[Most of your faults are not your fault.ZJ9Most of our lives are about proving something, either to ourselves or to someone else.UI/More people are flattered into virtue than bullied out of vice. -- R.S. Surtees@HMore are taken in by hope than by cunning. -- VauvenarguesGl?[6 f>%<QSay no, then negotiate. -- Helga<;Sanity is the trademark of a weak mind. -- Mark Harrold0:gSanity and insanity overlap a fine grey line.29kRudeness is a weak man's imitation of strength.&8SRevenge is a meal best served cold."7KRevenge is a form of nostalgia.Q6'Remember: Silly is a state of Mind, Stupid is a way of Life. -- Dave Butler?5Rarely do people communicate; they just take turns talking.K4Questions are never indiscreet, answers sometimes are. -- Oscar Wilde*3[Put your trust in those who are worthy.@2Put your brain in gear before starting your mouth in motion.11iPretend to spank me -- I'm a pseudo-masochist!a0GPractically perfect people never permit sentiment to muddle their thinking. -- Mary PoppinsV/1Please forgive me if, in the heat of battle, I sometimes forget which side I'm on.].?Please don't recommend me to your friends-- it's difficult enough to cope with you alone. +f%vSzV[+-KaSinners can repent, but stupid is forever.LJSince we're all here, we must not be all there. -- Bob 'Mountain' BeckbIISince we have to speak well of the dead, let's knock them while they're alive. -- John SloanDH Sin has many tools, but a lie is the handle which fits them all.!GISin boldly. -- Martin LutherIFShow your affection, which will probably meet with pleasant response.#EMShort people get rained on last.dDMShe often gave herself very good advice (though she very seldom followed it). -- Lewis Carroll CGSerenity through viciousness.ZB9Sentimentality -- that's what we call the sentiment we don't share. -- Graham GreeneOA#'See - the thing is - I'm an absolutist. I mean, kind of ... in a way ...'>@Screw up your courage! You've screwed up everything else.#?MSchizophrenia beats being alone.,>_Scenery is here, wish you were beautiful.B= Say something you'll be sorry for, I love receiving apologies. >Y%t&l>@XSpeak softly and own a big, mean Doberman. -- Dave Millman0WgSpeak softly and carry a +6 two-handed sword.QV'Sometimes I worry about being a success in a mediocre world. -- Lily TomlinaUGSomething unpleasant is coming when men are anxious to tell the truth. -- Benjamin Disraeli,T_Someone will try to honk your nose today.,S_Some rise by sin and some by virtue fall.YR7Some people have parts that are so private they themselves have no knowledge of them.KQSome people cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go.SP+Some people around here wouldn't recognize subtlety if it hit them on the head.XO5Some of the things that live the longest in peoples' memories never really happened.1NiSome men are discovered; others are found out.KMSome don't prefer the pursuit of happiness to the happiness of pursuit.VL1So live that you wouldn't be ashamed to sell the family parrot to the town gossip. T^4_#TEfSuicide is the sincerest form of self-criticism. -- Donald Kaul1eiSuicide is simply a case of mistaken identity.Pd%Such a fine first dream! But they laughed at me; they said I had made it up.9cySuccumb to natural tendencies. Be hateful and boring.AbSuccess is in the minds of Fools. -- William Wrenshaw, 1578HaSuccess is getting what you want; happiness is wanting what you get.+`]Success is a journey, not a destination.d_MSubtlety is the art of saying what you think and getting out of the way before it is understood.J^Style may not be the answer, but at least it's a workable alternative.]EStupidity is its own reward.?\Stupidity got us into this mess -- why can't it get us out?'[UStay together, drag each other down.QZ'Start the day with a smile. After that you can be your nasty old self again.KYStart every day off with a smile and get it over with. -- W.C. Fields VDIn VFsThat must be wonderful: I don't understand it at all. -- MoliereLr'That boy's about as sharp as a pound of wet liver' -- Foghorn Leghornq=Tell me what to think!!!_pCTalking much about oneself can also be a means to conceal oneself. -- Friedrich NietzscheAoTalk sense to a fool and he calls you foolish. -- Euripides6nsTalk is cheap because supply always exceeds demand.[m;Take a lesson from the whale; the only time he gets speared is when he raises to spout.>lTact is the art of making a point without making an enemy.Yk7Tact is the ability to tell a man he has an open mind when he has a hole in his head.[j;Tact in audacity is knowing how far you can go without going too far. -- Jean Cocteau8iwSurly to bed, surly to rise, makes you about average.Bh Sure he's sharp as a razor ... he's a two-dimensional pinhead!9gySupport your local Search and Rescue unit -- get lost. W\9u)W5qThe discerning person is always at a disadvantage.N!The difference between genius and stupidity is that genius has its limits.F~The difference between a good haircut and a bad one is seven days.I}The bland leadeth the bland and they both shall fall into the kitsch.P|%The biggest problem with communication is the illusion that it has occurred.,{_The bigger they are, the harder they hit.?zThe best way to keep your friends is not to give them away.EyThe best way to get rid of worries is to let them die of neglect.IxThe best thing about growing older is that it takes such a long time.KwThe best laid plans of mice and men are usually about equal. -- Blair>vThe average nutritional value of promises is roughly zero.Uu/The angry man always thinks he can do more than he can. -- Albertano of BresciaItThat which is not good for the swarm, neither is it good for the bee. F`3GgFb IThe last time I saw him he was walking down Lover's Lane holding his own hand. -- Fred Allen` EThe knowledge that makes us cherish innocence makes innocence unattainable. -- Irving HoweV 1The kind of danger people most enjoy is the kind they can watch from a safe place.2 kThe important thing is not to stop questioning.D The idle mind knows not what it is it wants. -- Quintus EnniusaGThe human race never solves any of its problems. It merely outlives them. -- David GerroldP%The help people need most urgently is help in admitting that they need help.G... the heat come 'round and busted me for smiling on a cloudy day.LThe hatred of relatives is the most violent. -- Tacitus (c.55 - c.117)*[The greatest remedy for anger is delay.5qThe greatest of faults is to be conscious of none.eOThe Golden Rule is of no use to you whatever unless you realize it is your move. -- Frank Crane [Bvk"[.cThe only rose without thorns is friendship.HThe only really decent thing to do behind a person's back is pat it.HThe older a man gets, the farther he had to walk to school as a boy.FThe odds are a million to one against your being one in a million.dMThe nice thing about egotists is that they don't talk about other people. -- Lucille S. HarperJThe most hopelessly stupid man is he who is not aware that he is wise.T-The more we disagree, the more chance there is that at least one of us is right.P%The more I see of men the more I admire dogs. -- Mme De Sevigne, 1626-16960gThe more I know men the more I like my horse.C The minute a man is convinced that he is interesting, he isn't.V1The man who raises a fist has run out of ideas. -- H.G. Wells, 'Time After Time'b IThe louder he talked of his honour, the faster we counted our spoons. -- Ralph Waldo Emerson b^ LS bV$1The truth about a man lies first and foremost in what he hides. -- Andre MalrauxL#The things that interest people most are usually none of their business.F"The strong give up and move away, while the weak give up and stay.U!/The shifts of Fortune test the reliability of friends. -- Marcus Tullius Cicero; }The secret of happiness is total disregard of everybody.(WThe second best policy is dishonesty.5q'The Schizophrenic: An Unauthorized Autobiography'\=The probability of someone watching you is proportional to the stupidity of your action.\=The people sensible enough to give good advice are usually sensible enough to give none.Q'The part of the world that people find most puzzling is the part called 'Me'.O#The only way to get rid of a temptation is to yield to it. -- Oscar WildeMThe only way to amuse some people is to slip and fall on an icy pavement. a;k},a_/CThere are few people more often in the wrong than those who cannot endure to be thought so.f.QThe worst part of having success is trying to find someone who is happy for you. -- Bette MidlerN-!The worst is not so long as we can say 'This is the worst.' -- King LearH,The worst cliques are those which consist of one man. -- G.B. Shaw;+}The world needs more people like us and fewer like them.b*IThe wonderful thing about a dancing bear is not how well he dances, but that he dances at all.?)The wise shepherd never trusts his flock to a smiling wolf.:({The way to a man's heart is through the left ventricle.N'!The way some people find fault, you'd think there was some kind of reward.^&AThe way of the world is to praise dead saints and prosecute live ones. -- Nathaniel Howea%GThe very remembrance of my former misfortune proves a new one to me. -- Miguel de Cervantes LfjMLS;+There's a fine line between courage and foolishness. Too bad it's not a fence.U:/There is nothing stranger in a strange land than the stranger who comes to visit.P9%There is nothing more silly than a silly laugh. -- Gaius Valerius CatullusL8There is no substitute for good manners, except, perhaps, fast reflexes.37mThere is no statute of limitations on stupidity.36mThere is no sadder sight than a young pessimist._5CThere is no delight the equal of dread. As long as it is somebody else's. --Clive BarkerW43There is brutality and there is honesty. There is no such thing as brutal honesty.J3There comes a time to stop being angry. -- A Small Circle of FriendsR2)There are only two kinds of men -- the dead and the deadly. -- Helen Rowland31mThere are no emotional victims, only volunteers.a0GThere are more dead people than living, and their numbers are increasing. -- Eugene Ionesco LN@U{L,I_To be is to be related. -- C.J. Keyser.@HTo be great is to be misunderstood. -- Ralph Waldo EmersonNG!To any truly impartial person, it would be obvious that I am always right.CF Those who in quarrels interpose, must often wipe a bloody nose.;E}Those who don't know, talk. Those who don't talk, know.XD5Those who cannot remember the past are condemned to repeat it. -- George SantayanaOC#Those of you who think you know everything are annoying those of us who do.]B?'They're unfriendly, which is fortunate, really. They'd be difficult to like.' -- Avon0AgThey're only trying to make me LOOK paranoid!9@y'They told me I was gullible ... and I believed them!'There's no such thing as pure pleasure; some anxiety always goes with it.+=]There's no saint like a reformed sinner.1<iThere's a lot to be said for not saying a lot. I97{7I7WuTry to divide your time evenly to keep others happy.LVTry to be the best of whatever you are, even if what you are is no good.bUITruly great madness can not be achieved without significant intelligence. -- Henrik TikkanenATTroglodytism does not necessarily imply a low cultural level.&SSToo clever is dumb. -- Ogden Nash,R_To refuse praise is to seek praise twice.(QWTo make an enemy, do someone a favor.6PsTo laugh at men of sense is the privilege of fools.KOTo keep your friends treat them kindly; to kill them, treat them often.TN-To find a friend one must close one eye; to keep him -- two. -- Norman DouglasZM9To criticize the incompetent is easy; it is more difficult to criticize the competent.UL/To be wise, the only thing you really need to know is when to say 'I don't know.'/KeTo be who one is, is not to be someone else.:J{To be trusted is a greater compliment than to be loved. HY}<$HWd3We are all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars. -- Oscar Wilde@cWe are all dying -- and we're gonna be dead for a long time.]Walk softly and carry a big stick. -- Theodore Roosevelt$\OWalk softly and carry a BFG-9000.P[%Virtue would go far if vanity did not keep it company. -- La Rochefoucauld_ZCVirtue is not left to stand alone. He who practices it will have neighbors. -- ConfuciusMYUnless you love someone, nothing else makes any sense. -- e.e. cummingsTX-Trying to define yourself is like trying to bite your own teeth. -- Alan Watts /ad aV/$pOWe read to say that we have read.JoWe promise according to our hopes, and perform according to our fears.Sn+We prefer to speak evil of ourselves rather than not speak of ourselves at all.emOWe may not return the affection of those who like us, but we always respect their good judgement.;l}We lie loudest when we lie to ourselves. -- Eric HoffergkSWe have more to fear from the bungling of the incompetent than from the machinations of the wicked.Xj5We give advice, but we cannot give the wisdom to profit by it. -- La RochefoucauldWi3We are so fond of each other because our ailments are the same. -- Jonathan SwiftPh%We are each only one drop in a great ocean -- but some of the drops sparkle!MgWe ARE as gods and might as well get good at it. -- Whole Earth Catalog?fWe are anthill men upon an anthill world. -- Ray BradburyZe9We are all so much together and yet we are all dying of loneliness. -- A. Schweitzer sA/ s*{[When among apes, one must play the ape.9zyWhen all other means of communication fail, try words.AyWhatever you want to do, you have to do something else first.]x?What, after all, is a halo? It's only one more thing to keep clean. -- Christopher FryEwWhat we see depends on mainly what we look for. -- John LubbockdvMWhat on earth would a man do with himself if something did not stand in his way? -- H.G. Wells]u?What good is it if you talk in flowers, and they think in pastry? -- Ashleigh BrilliantKtWell, I'm disenchanted too. We're all disenchanted. -- James ThurberasGWe seldom repent talking too little, but very often talking too much. -- Jean de la BruyereTr-We secure our friends not by accepting favors but by doing them. -- ThucydideseqOWe really don't have any enemies. It's just that some of our best friends are trying to kill us. ci%u+ncX5While most peoples' opinions change, the conviction of their correctness never does.EWhile having never invented a sin, I'm trying to perfect several.eOWhile anyone can admit to themselves they were wrong, the true test is admission to someone else.fQWhenever someone tells you to take their advice, you can be pretty sure that they're not using it.Q'Whenever people agree with me I always feel I must be wrong. -- Oscar WildeGWhenever I feel like exercise, I lie down until the feeling passes.]?When you try to make an impression, the chances are that is the impression you will make.MWhen you dig another out of trouble, you've got a place to bury your own.A~When people say nothing, they don't necessarily mean nothing.>}When it comes to helping you, some people stop at nothing.S|+When God endowed human beings with brains, He did not intend to guarantee them. Lp$|qHLeOYield to Temptation ... it may not pass your way again. -- Lazarus Long, 'Time Enough for Love'GYes, but every time I try to see things your way, I get a headache.GWrite a wise saying and your name will live forever. -- Anonymous&SWords must be weighed, not counted.AWith clothes the new are best, with friends the old are best.c KWill your long-winded speeches never end? What ails you that you keep on arguing? -- Job 16:3^ AWhy, every one as they like; as the good woman said when she kissed her cow. -- Rabelais< Why was I born with such contemporaries? -- Oscar Wildef QWhy did the Lord give us so much quickness of movement unless it was to avoid responsibility with?I Why be difficult when, with a bit of effort, you could be impossible?0gWhoever would lie usefully should lie seldom.Z9While we are sleeping, two-thirds of the world is plotting to do us in. -- Dean Rusk (F1P%You can't play your friends like marks, kid. -- Henry Gondorf, 'The Sting'V1You can't hold a man down without staying down with him. -- Booker T. WashingtonLYou can't have your cake and let your neighbor eat it too. -- Ayn RandIYou can't erase a dream, you can only wake me up. -- Peter Frampton4oYou can't cross a large chasm in two small jumps.@You can't carve your way to success without cutting remarks.JYou can destroy your now by worrying about tomorrow. -- Janis JoplinV1You can bear anything if it isn't your own fault. -- Katharine Fullerton Gerould9yYou can always tell luck from ability by its duration.[;You are absolute plate-glass. I see to the very back of your mind. -- Sherlock HolmesB You are a wish to be here wishing yourself. -- Philip Whalen2kYou ain't learning nothing when you're talking. ISZG(II+You know it's Monday when you wake up and it's Tuesday. -- GarfieldQ*'You know how to win a victory, Hannibal, but not how to use it. -- Maharbal<)You just wait, I'll sin till I blow up! -- Dylan Thomas(?You humans are all alike.Y'7You have not converted a man because you have silenced him. -- John Viscount MorleyL&You don't have to explain something you never said. -- Calvin Coolidgee%OYou could get a new lease on life -- if only you didn't need the first and last month in advance.1$iYou cannot use your friends and have them too.C# You cannot shake hands with a clenched fist. -- Indira GandhiG"You cannot propel yourself forward by patting yourself on the back.2!kYou cannot kill time without injuring eternity.D  You cannot achieve the impossible without attempting the absurd.cK'You can't teach people to be lazy - either they have it, or they don't.' -- Dagwood Bumstead S3N 6S:7{You won't skid if you stay in a rut. -- Frank Hubbardf6QYou want to know why I kept getting promoted? Because my mouth knows more than my brain. -- W.G.:5{You should avoid hedging, at least that's what I think.V41You shall judge of a man by his foes as well as by his friends. -- Joseph Conrad.3cYou never learn anything by doing it right.]2?You never know what is enough until you know what is more than enough. -- William Blake+1]You never go anywhere without your soul.<0You never get a second chance to make a first impression.F/You never gain something but that you lose something. -- ThoreauZ.9You may easily play a joke on a man who likes to argue -- agree with him. -- Ed Howec-KYou know you are getting old when you think you should drive the speed limit. -- E.A. Gilliamd,MYou know what they say -- the sweetest word in the English language is revenge. -- Peter Beard PAW0PEBA child of five could understand this! Fetch me a child of five.KAA baby is God's opinion that the world should go on. -- Carl SandburgG@Youth is a disease from which we all recover. -- Dorothy Fuldheima?GYouth is a blunder, manhood a struggle, old age a regret. -- Benjamin Disraeli, 'Coningsby']>?Your conscience never stops you from doing anything. It just stops you from enjoying it.`=EYoung men, hear an old man to whom old men hearkened when he was young. -- Augustus Caesar`<EYoung men think old men are fools; but old men know young men are fools. -- George ChapmanI;You've always made the mistake of being yourself. -- Eugene Ionesco8:wYou're never too old to become younger. -- Mae WestT9-You're either part of the solution or part of the problem. -- Eldridge Cleavere8OYou'd better smile when they watch you, smile like you're in control. -- Smile, 'Was (Not Was)' {c!1T {/NeGive your child mental blocks for Christmas.\M=Give a small boy a hammer and he will find that everything he encounters needs pounding.ELGet Revenge! Live long enough to be a problem for your children!MKFor children with short attention spans: boomerangs that don't come back..JcFor adult education nothing beats children.YI7Fertility is hereditary. If your parents didn't have any children, neither will you.RH)Do not handicap your children by making their lives easy. -- Robert Heinlein1GiCatproof is an oxymoron, childproof nearly so.dFMBecause we don't think about future generations, they will never forget us. -- Henrik Tikkanen?EBeat your son every day; you may not know why, but he will.eDOAdopted kids are such a pain -- you have to teach them how to look like you ... -- Gilda Radner2CkA kid'll eat the middle of an Oreo, eventually. vO^Cv>YIt is better to remain childless than to father an orphan.6XsInsanity is hereditary. You get it from your kids.PW%If your mother knew what you're doing, she'd probably hang her head and cry.^VAIf you have never been hated by your child, you have never been a parent. -- Bette DavisTU-If the very old will remember, the very young will listen. -- Chief Dan George`TEIf pregnancy were a book they would cut the last two chapters. -- Nora Ephron, 'Heartburn'NS!If parents would only realize how they bore their children. -- G.B. ShawfRQI love children. Especially when they cry -- for then someone takes them away. -- Nancy Mitford4QoI hate babies. They're so human. -- H.H. MunroOP#How sharper than a serpent's tooth is a sister's 'See?' -- Linus Van Pelt\O=Having children is like having a bowling alley installed in your brain. -- Martin Mull 4HA]<4Og#My mother wants grandchildren, so I said, 'Mom, go for it!' -- Sue MurphybfIMy mother loved children -- she would have given anything if I had been one. -- Groucho MarxNe!My family history begins with me, but yours ends with you. -- IphicratesdCMicrowaves frizz your heir.0cgMay you have many handsome and obedient sons.6bsMay you have many beautiful and obedient daughters.EaMaturity is only a short break in adolescence. -- Jules Feiffer-`aLife is like a diaper -- short and loaded.?_Life is a sexually transmitted disease with 100% mortality.F^Lies! All lies! You're all lying against my boys! -- Ma BarkerE]Kids always brighten up a house; mostly by leaving the lights on.1\iIt's never too late to have a happy childhood.N[!It now costs more to amuse a child than it once did to educate his father.dZMIt is no wonder that people are so horrible when they start life as children. -- Kingsley Amis Fq3v>l4F]t?Snow and adolescence are the only problems that disappear if you ignore them long enough.\s=Reinhart was never his mother's favorite -- and he was an only child. -- Thomas Berger,r_Please, Mother! I'd rather do it myself!5qqOut of the mouths of babes does often come cereal.4poOnly adults have difficulty with childproof caps.HoOne father is more than a hundred schoolmasters. -- George HerbertMnNo house is childproofed unless the little darlings are in straitjackets.5mqNever trust a child farther than you can throw it.flQNever raise your hand to your children -- it leaves your midsection unprotected. -- Robert OrbenQk'Never lend your car to anyone to whom you have given birth. -- Erma Bombeck;j}Never have children, only grandchildren. -- Gore VidalHiMy parents went to Niagara Falls and all I got was this crummy life.AhMy mother was a test tube; my father was a knife. -- Friday <>Qf,u<6sWhen you were born, a big chance was taken for you.IWhen childhood dies, its corpses are called adults. -- Brian Aldiss4oWhat's done to children, they will do to society.1iWe are the people our parents warned us about.7~uTroubles are like babies; they only grow by nursing.9}yToddlers are the stormtroopers of the Lord of Entropy.R|)There's nothing wrong with teenagers that reasoning with them won't aggravate.W{3There's no point in being grown up if you can't be childish sometimes. -- Dr. WhoAzThe problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.]y?The modern child will answer you back before you've said anything. -- Laurence J. PeterFxThe idea is to die young as late as possible. -- Ashley MontagueRw)The future is a myth created by insurance salesmen and high school counselors. Acceptance testing: An unsuccessful attempt to find bugs.[ ;Absent, adj.: Exposed to the attacks of friends and acquaintances; defamed; slandered.# M667: The neighbor of the beast.aG3rd Law of Computing: Anything that can go wr fortune: Segmentation violation -- Core dumpedG186,282 miles per second: It isn't just a good idea, it's the law!%QYouth is the trustee of posterity.dMYouth is such a wonderful thing. What a crime to waste it on children. -- George Bernard Shaw+]You can't hug a child with nuclear arms.GWhy do they call it baby-SITTING when all you do is run after them? gW6r4egEAntonym, n.: The opposite of the word you're trying to think of.AAnthony's Law of Force: Don't force it; get a larger hammer.AAndrophobia: Fear of men.O#Amoebit: Amoeba/rabbit cross; it can multiply and divide at the same time.8wAmbiguity: Telling the truth when you don't mean to.O#Alone, adj.: In bad company. -- Ambrose Bierce, 'The Devil's Dictionary'?Allen's Axiom: When all else fails, read the instructions.;}All new: Parts not interchangeable with previous model.-aalimony, n: Having an ex you can bank on.4oalgorithm, n.: Trendy dance for hip programmers.Z9Albrecht's Law: Social innovations tend to the level of minimum tolerable well-being.CAlaska: A prelude to 'No.'V1Air Force Inertia Axiom: Consistency is always easier to defend than correctness.MAgnes' Law: Almost everything in life is easier to get into than out of. sS(x>s8+wBachelor: A man who chases women and never Mrs. one.6*sBachelor: A guy who is footloose and fiancee-free.T)-Automobile, n.: A four-wheeled vehicle that runs up hills and down pedestrians.7(uAuthentic: Indubitably true, in somebody's opinion.M'audophile, n: Someone who listens to the equipment instead of the music.%&QAuction: A gyp off the old block.5%qAtlanta: An entire city surrounded by an airport.Y$7Arnold's Addendum: Anything not fitting into these categories causes cancer in rats.9#yArmor's Axiom: Virtue is the failure to achieve vice.6"sArmadillo: To provide weapons to a Spanish pickle.W!3Arithmetic: An obscure art no longer practiced in the world's developed countries.W 3Applause, n: The echo of a platitude from the mouth of a fool. -- Ambrose BierceP%Appendix: A portion of a book, for which nobody yet has discovered any use. QJRu4Q?7Bing's Rule: Don't try to stem the tide -- move the beach.H6Binary, adj.: Possessing the ability to have friends of both sexes.S5+Bilbo's First Law: You cannot count friends that are all packed up in barrels.>4Benson's Dogma: ASCII is our god, and Unix is his profit.,3_belief, n: Something you do not believe.A2Beauty: What's in your eye when you have a bee in your hand.g1SBeauty, n.: The power by which a woman charms a lover and terrifies a husband. -- Ambrose BierceU0/Baruch's Observation: If all you have is a hammer, everything looks like a nail.F/Barker's Proof: Proofreading is more effective after publication.T.-Barach's Rule: An alcoholic is a person who drinks more than his own physician.R-)Banectomy, n.: The removal of bruises on a banana. -- Rich Hall, 'Sniglets'^,ABackward conditioning: Putting saliva in a dog's mouth in an attempt to make a bell ring. _<9D_1BiBower's Law: Talent goes where the action is.bAIBore, n.: A guy who wraps up a two-minute idea in a two-hour vocabulary. -- Walter WinchellI@Booker's Law: An ounce of application is worth a ton of abstraction.F?Boob's Law: You always find something in the last place you look.T>-Bombeck's Rule of Medicine: Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.R=)Boling's postulate: If you're feeling good, don't worry. You'll get over it.X<5Blutarsky's Axiom: Nothing is impossible for the man who will not listen to reason.W;3Blore's Razor: Given a choice between two theories, take the one which is funnier.K:Bloom's Seventh Law of Litigation: The judge's jokes are always funny.c9Kbirth, n: The first and direst of all disasters. -- Ambrose Bierce, 'The Devil's Dictionary'[8;Bipolar, adj.: Refers to someone who has homes in Nome, Alaska, and Buffalo, New York. *,y4"t*GObureaucracy, n: A method for transforming energy into solid waste.DN Bunker's Admonition: You cannot buy beer; you can only rent it.dMMBumper sticker: All the parts falling off this car are of the very finest British manufacture.ZL9Bugs, pl. n.: Small living things that small living boys throw on small living girls.KCbug, n: A son of a glitch.BJ Bucy's Law: Nothing is ever accomplished by a reasonable man.LIBrook's Law: Adding manpower to a late software project makes it later.BH brokee, n: Someone who buys stocks on the advice of a broker.fGQBrogan's Constant: People tend to congregate in the back of the church and the front of the bus.GFbroad-mindedness, n: The result of flattening high-mindedness out.SE+briefcase, n: A trial where the jury gets together and forms a lynching party.$DOboy, n: A noise with dirt on it.TC-Bowie's Theorem: If an experiment works, you must be using the wrong equipment. 8A3H8H]Chemicals, n.: Noxious substances from which modern foods are made.,\_Chef, n.: Any cook who swears in French.F[Charity, n.: A thing that begins at home and usually stays there.JZcharacter density, n.: The number of very weird people in the office.gYSChamberlain's Laws: (1) The big guys always win. (2) Everything tastes more or less like chicken.,X_Cat, n.: Lapwarmer with built-in buzzer.OW#Carson's Observation on Footwear: If the shoe fits, buy the other one too.gVSCarson's Consolation: Nothing is ever a complete failure. It can always be used as a bad example.9UyCampbell's Law: Nature abhors a vacuous experimenter.>TCahn's Axiom: When all else fails, read the instructions.$SObyob, v: Believing Your Own Bull?Rbuzzword, n: The fly in the ointment of computer literacy./Qebureaucrat, n: A politician who has tenure.HPBureaucrat, n.: A person who cuts red tape sideways. -- J. McCabe ]U p]]EjConfirmed bachelor: A man who goes through life without a hitch.[i;Concept, n.: Any 'idea' for which an outside consultant billed you more than $25,000.Wh3Compliment, n.: When you say something to another which everyone knows isn't true.Bg Complex system: One with real problems and imaginary profits.GfCollege: The fountains of knowledge, where everyone goes to drink.&eSCole's Law: Thinly sliced cabbage.Xd5Cold, adj.: When the politicians walk around with their hands in their own pockets.-caCohen's Law: There is no bottom to worse.6bsCOBOL: Completely Over and Beyond reason Or Logic.0agCOBOL: An exercise in Artificial Inelegance.F`Clay's Conclusion: Creativity is great, but plagiarism is faster.^_AClarke's Conclusion: Never let your sense of morals interfere with doing the right thing.G^Cheops' Law: Nothing ever gets built on schedule or within budget. Pm(UDP Elephant, n.: A mouse built to government specifications.N !Electrocution, n.: Burning at the stake with all the modern improvements.; }Duty, n: What one expects from others. -- Oscar WildeQ'drug, n: A substance that, injected into a rat, produces a scientific paper.aGDow's Law: In a hierarchical organization, the higher the level, the greater the confusion.cKDocumentation: Instructions translated from Swedish by Japanese for English speaking persons. nAQ 9n\=First Law of Bicycling: No matter which way you ride, it's uphill and against the wind.2kFinster's Law: A closed mouth gathers no feet.4oFine's Corollary: Functionality breeds Contempt.R)Finagle's Seventh Law: The perversity of the universe tends toward a maximum.KFinagle's First Law: If an experiment works, something has gone wrong.AFinagle's Creed: Science is true. Don't be misled by facts..cfilibuster, n.: Throwing your wait around.EFile cabinet: A four drawer, manually activated trash compactor.KFidelity, n.: A virtue peculiar to those who are about to be betrayed.W3Ferguson's Precept: A crisis is when you can't say 'let's forget the whole thing.'Y7Famous, adj.: Conspicuously miserable. -- Ambrose Bierce, 'The Devil's Dictionary'`EFamous quotations: ' ' -- Charlie Chaplin ' ' -- Harpo Marx ' ' -- Marcel Marceau :eu Z+:^+AGordon's first law: If a research project is not worth doing, it is not worth doing well.^*AGoldenstern's Rules: (1) Always hire a rich attorney (2) Never buy from a rich salesman.,)_Gold's Law: If the shoe fits, it's ugly.,(_genlock, n.: Why he stays in the bottle.V'1Genius, n.: A chemist who discovers a laundry additive that rhymes with 'bright.'V&1Fudd's First Law of Opposition: Push something hard enough and it will fall over.f%QFuch's Warning: If you actually look like your passport photo, you aren't well enough to travel.Q$'Fresco's Discovery: If you knew what you were doing you'd probably be bored.5#qFoolproof Operation: No provision for adjustment.a"GFirst Rule of History: History doesn't repeat itself -- historians merely repeat each other.DJPV\bhntz "(.4:@FLRX^djpv| YAۨgܨtݩީߩ+7BO]j!¦-æ<ĦKŦXƦfǦsȧɧ ʧ˧$̧/ͧ;ΧIϧWЧdѧpҧ{ӨԨը֨+ר7بB٨NڨYۨgܨtݩީߩ+7BO]jw+6CN\iu)5BO^jw,8FR^lz! . ; I U `m{)4?JWcq &3A P!]"i#u$%&',(8)C*O+Z,g-u./01*283H Nw6:M6Griffin's Thought: When you starve with a tiger, the tiger starves last.e5OGrelb's Reminder: Eighty percent of all people consider themselves to be above average drivers.F4Greener's Law: Never argue with a man who buys ink by the barrel.]3?Green's Law of Debate: Anything is possible if you don't know what you're talking about.P2%Great American Axiom: Some is good, more is better, too much is just right.>1Gravity: What you get when you eat too much and too fast.M0grasshopotomaus: A creature that can leap to tremendous heights... once.I/Grabel's Law: 2 is not equal to 3 -- not even for large values of 2.8.wGovernment's Law: There is an exception to all laws.U-/gossip, n.: Hearing something you like about someone you don't. -- Earl WilsonW,3Gordon's Law: If you think you have the solution, the question was poorly phrased. Wi0YKWdCMHawkeye's Conclusion: It's not easy to play the clown when you've got to run the whole circus.VB1Harrison's Postulate: For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.1AiHarris's Lament: All the good ones are taken.E@Hardware, n.: The parts of a computer system that can be kicked.`?Ehard, adj.: The quality of your own data; also how it is to believe those of other people.`>EHanlon's Razor: Never attribute to malice that which is adequately explained by stupidity.&=Shangover, n.: The wrath of grapes.&<SHangover, n.: The burden of proof.;Ehacker, n.: A master byter.`:EHacker's Quicky #313: Sour Cream -n- Onion Potato Chips Microwave Egg Roll Chocolate Milk69sguru, n: A computer owner who can read the manual.-8aGuillotine, n.: A French chopping center.d7MGrinnell's Law of Labor Laxity: At all times, for any task, you have not got enough done today. 3fl^3YN7HOW YOU CAN TELL THAT IT'S GOING TO BE A ROTTEN DAY: #15 Your pet rock snaps at you.fMQHOW YOU CAN TELL THAT IT'S GOING TO BE A ROTTEN DAY: #1040 Your income tax refund cheque bounces.cLKHousehold hint: If you are out of cream for your coffee, mayonnaise makes a dandy substitute.VK1Horngren's Observation: Among economists, the real world is often a special case.UJ/Horner's Five Thumb Postulate: Experience varies directly with equipment ruined.ZI9honeymoon, n.: A short period of doting between dating and debting. -- Ray C. BandyFHHollerith, v.: What thou doest when thy phone is on the fritzeth.`GEHildebrant's Principle: If you don't know where you are going, any road will get you there.KFHerth's Law: He who turns the other cheek too far gets it in the neck.XE5Hempstone's Question: If you have to travel on the Titanic, why not go first class?_'One size fits all': Doesn't fit anyone.F=Once, adv.: Enough. -- Ambrose Bierce, 'The Devil's Dictionary'Z<9On-line, adj.: The idea that a human being should always be accessible to a computer.X;5Olmstead's Law: After all is said and done, a hell of a lot more is said than done.V:1Oliver's Law: Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.X95Old timer, n.: One who remembers when charity was a virtue and not an organization.Q8'Ogden's Law: The sooner you fall behind, the more time you have to catch up.B7 O'Toole's commentary on Murphy's Law: Murphy was an optimist.E6O'Reilly's Law of the Kitchen: Cleanliness is next to impossible {l!3T>Ophilosophy: Unintelligible answers to insoluble problems.RN)philosophy: The ability to bear with calmness the misfortunes of our friends.7Muperfect guest: One who makes his host feel at home..Lcpension: A federally insured chain letter.NK!Peers's Law: The solution to a problem changes the nature of the problem.ZJ9pediddel: A car with only one working headlight. -- 'Sniglets', Rich Hall & FriendscIKPecor's Health-Food Principle: Never eat rutabaga on any day of the week that has a 'y' in it.-HaPaul's Law: You can't fall off the floor.UG/Paul's Law: In America, it's not how much an item costs, it's how much you save.HFpatent: A method of publicizing inventions so others can copy them. EPassword:IDparanoia, n.: A healthy understanding of the way the universe works.6CsPandora's Rule: Never open a box you didn't close. (.dqd(9^yProgramming Department: Mistakes made while you wait..]cproblem drinker, n.: A man who never buys.;\}Price's Advice: It's all a game -- play it to have fun.A[Preudhomme's Law of Window Cleaning: It's on the other side.WZ3Prejudice: A vagrant opinion without visible means of support. -- Ambrose Bierce:Y{prairies, n.: Vast plains covered by treeless forests.JXPower, n.: The only narcotic regulated by the SEC instead of the FDA.fWQPositive, adj.: Mistaken at the top of one's voice. -- Ambrose Bierce, 'The Devil's Dictionary'+V]Portable, adj.: Survives system reboot.U9polygon: Dead parrot.MTPollyanna's Educational Constant: The hyperactive child is never absent.-Sapoisoned coffee, n.: Grounds for divorce.OR#Pohl's law: Nothing is so good that somebody, somewhere, will not hate it.Q/Please take note:fPQPickle's Law: If Congress must do a painful thing, the thing must be done in an odd-number year. CE[ :CQj'QOTD: 'He's on the same bus, but he's sure as hell got a different ticket.'GiQOTD: 'He eats like a bird... five times his own weight each day.'Vh1QOTD: 'Everything I am today I owe to people, whom it is now to late to punish.'Xg5QOTD: 'Every morning I read the obituaries; if my name's not there, I go to work.'7fuQOTD: 'Even the Statue of Liberty shaves her pits.'7euQOTD: 'East is east... and let's keep it that way.'Od#QOTD: 'Don't let your mind wander -- it's too little to be let out alone.'IcQOTD: 'Do you smell something burning or is it me?' -- Joan of ArcPb%QOTD: 'A university faculty is 500 egotists with a common parking problem.'HaQOTD: 'A child of 5 could understand this! Fetch me a child of 5.'N`!QOTD: 'It's not the despair... I can stand the despair. It's the hope.'g_SPryor's Observation: How long you live has nothing to do with how long you are going to be dead. U?q,.UFwQOTD: 'I used to jog, but the ice kept bouncing out of my glass.'X\"Z9QOTD: 'It seems to me that your antenna doesn't bring in too many stations anymore.'JQOTD: 'In the shopping mall of the mind, he's in the toy department.'O#QOTD: 'If you keep an open mind people will throw a lot of garbage in it.';}QOTD: 'If I'm what I eat, I'm a chocolate chip cookie.'P%QOTD: 'If I could walk that way, I wouldn't need the cologne, now would I?'O#QOTD: 'If he learns from his mistakes, pretty soon he'll know everything.'T~-QOTD: 'I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing trivial.'W}3QOTD: 'I've got one last thing to say before I go; give me back all of my stuff.'>|QOTD: 'I'm on a seafood diet -- I see food and I eat it.'H{QOTD: 'I'm not really for apathy, but I'm not against it either...'(zWQOTD: 'I'm just a boy named 'su'...':y{QOTD: 'I'll listen to reason when it comes out on CD.'Wx3QOTD: 'I won't say he's untruthful, but his wife has to call the dog for dinner.' AM Ci,AGQOTD: 'Oh, no, no... I'm not beautiful. Just very, very pretty.'FQOTD: 'Of course there's no reason for it, it's just our policy.'U/QOTD: 'Of course it's the murder weapon. Who would frame someone with a fake?':{QOTD: 'My shampoo lasts longer than my relationships.'D  QOTD: 'My life is a soap opera, but who gets the movie rights?'7 uQOTD: 'Like this rose, our love will wilt and die.'V 1QOTD: 'Lack of planning on your part doesn't consitute an emergency on my part.'F QOTD: 'Just how much can I get away with and still go to heaven?'K QOTD: 'It's been real and it's been fun, but it hasn't been real fun.',_QOTD: 'It's been Monday all week today.'AQOTD: 'It's a cold bowl of chili, when love don't work out.'N!QOTD: 'It wouldn't have been anything, even if it were gonna be a thing.'_CQOTD: 'It was so cold last winter that I saw a lawyer with his hands in his own pockets.' +[ kdf+8wQOTD: 'Who? Me? No, no, NO!! But I do sell rugs.'5qQOTD: 'When she hauled ass, it took three trips.'aGQOTD: 'What women and psychologists call `dropping your armor', we call 'baring your neck.'_CQOTD: 'What I like most about myself is that I'm so understanding when I mess things up.'`EQOTD: 'What do you mean, you had the dog fixed? Just what made you think he was broken!'KQOTD: 'Unlucky? If I bought a pumpkin farm, they'd cancel Halloween.'S+QOTD: 'This is a one line proof... if we start sufficiently far to the left.'GQOTD: 'There may be no excuse for laziness, but I'm sure looking.'Q'QOTD: 'The elder gods went to Suggoth and all I got was this lousy T-shirt.'O#QOTD: 'Sure, I turned down a drink once. Didn't understand the question.')YQOTD: 'She's about as smart as bait.'HQOTD: 'Overweight is when you step on your dog's tail and it dies.'+]QOTD: 'Our parents were never our age.' (UG9v(K,QOTD: Money isn't everything, but at least it keeps the kids in touch.K+QOTD: If you're looking for trouble, I can offer you a wide selection.+*]QOTD: If it's too loud, you're too old.D) QOTD: I've heard about civil Engineers, but I've never met one.b(IQOTD: I'm not bald -- I'm 'hair challenged'. [I thought that was 'differently haired'. Ed.]6'sQOTD: I'm not a nerd -- I'm 'socially challenged'.8&wQOTD: I love your outfit, does it come in your size?2%kQOTD: How can I miss you if you won't go away?]$?QOTD: Flash! Flash! I love you! ...but we only have fourteen hours to save the earth!0#gQOTD: All I want is more than my fair share.9"yQOTD: All I want is a little more than I'll ever get.